F is For Family (2015) s02e04 Episode Script
Night Shift
1 Fucking evil Kraut.
Always trying to trick me by saying nice things to me.
Oh.
Are you's the new postman? Delivering joy in every package.
I've got a special delivery [boom.]
[screams.]
Oh, man! Oh, man! Oh, man! Oh, man! Serves you right, you little Scheisse.
Are you serious, Vic? You never work on Saturdays.
I know, but this is an emergency, Cutie Pie.
There's a big problem and the station needs me to fix it.
But we're supposed to get naked and make cupcakes.
And we will.
Now, go put on your crotchless apron, turn on Scooby Doo, and I'll be right back to hop in your Mystery Machine.
[car engine starts.]
[girls chanting.]
We want Corey! We want Corey! We want Corey! [girl.]
Where is he? [girl 2.]
Where is Corey? It's been, like, two hours.
[man.]
I ain't playing this shit! - Fuck you! - Fuck you! - [man.]
I don't give a shit! - Oh, man.
For the last time, I ain't playing this record.
It's a piece of bubblegum shit.
Fuck you! I paid your station a boatload of money to play his song.
- That's your fucking problem! - Calm down.
Calm down.
Uncle Vic's here to throw a little "nice" on the fire.
Your DJ is disrespecting my artist.
Duane Allman is an artist.
This kid fell out of Donny Osmond's pussy.
Did not! Now, hold on.
Hold on.
Nobody fell out of anybody's yow-yow.
Hank, you and me are gonna have a little rap session.
Look, brother, you and I both know this record sucks, but things are tight, and I need you to play ball.
I won't do it, Vic! I got a reputation to uphold! Oh, fuck your reputation! Play the fucking record! How about I fuck your mother, you fucking hippie? How about that? You like that, you fucking cunt? Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Who stuck your pubes in a zipper? I'm so sorry.
I don't do stress well.
[chuckles.]
Our ratings are slipping, the suits are coming down on me I ain't playing this shit.
Hank, my man, you care about the purity of music, as do I, but sometimes you got to play the game.
The only way to make it less painful for us is a little tooter of Bolivian Agreement Powder.
I love you, Vic.
I love this record.
Seeing a momma gorilla carry her baby gorilla makes me cry! Let's do it! [girls chanting.]
We want Corey! Ooh, I can feel my heartbeat through my forehead and I've got the righteous teen sensation you've been waiting to see.
Corey Mars with "It's A Puppy Dog, Cotton Candy Day"! I hate myself! - [girls cheering.]
- # All I wanna do is play # It's a puppy dog cotton candy day All I wanna do is play It's a puppy dog cotton candy day This song sounds like cats fucking.
Can you believe that shit? He bribed him with drugs.
They're compromising the integrity of the music business! There's no beauty in this world.
Pardon me.
I'd like to get to the Kay Kyser records.
Oh! You had your time, just die already! [Redbone's "Come and Get Your Love" playing.]
Come and get your love Come and get your love Come and get your love Come and get your love Come and get your love Come and get your love Come and get your love now Come and get your love Come and get your love Come and get your love now [grunts.]
Ah! Come and get your love Come and get your love Come and get your love now Come and get your love Come and get your love Come and get your love now Our top story this Wednesday.
Police are searching for a Rustland City woman who's been missing since last week.
Her disappearance was reported by her distraught pimp, who goes by the name "International Touch.
" What's a pimp? You watch Colt Luger.
It's a black guy.
No, it's not that.
Well, it is that, but it's complicated.
Did you take this macaroni from the counter? - Yeah? - Ah! I needed it for supper! I'm sorry.
I love you, Daddy.
- Nah, you don't.
Nobody does.
- [phone rings.]
Shit.
I'll never get this done.
We don't want any! - Hey, Frank.
- Oh, hey, Rosie.
You ready for your first night in the vending machine business? - Oh, thank you for this job, Rosie.
- Now, don't thank me yet.
This is just a one night tryout to see if Smokey likes you.
I know.
But you still got me in the door.
God, I have been going crazy sitting around like a bum.
I would've killed myself, but I don't want to haunt my own house.
Well, you're better off there than down here.
All hands on deck! This is not a drill! We are being invaded! Scoop, these are all friendly planes.
They're supposed to land here.
Again, this is an airport.
Now, give me the flare gun.
I better let you go, Frank.
Good luck tonight.
Smokey said he's coming over to pick you up at 6:00.
What? I thought I was gonna meet him at the warehouse.
He's coming here? To my street? - You got a problem with that? - No, no, it's just I know what it's "just.
" I vouched for you, Frank.
Damn it! Just don't make me look bad.
[water running.]
Oh, great! Come and get your slop! [groans.]
Not Hamburger Assistant again.
Why can't Mom make dinner? Ask her.
She's the one who abandoned her post.
Now, after doing all the lady work, I got to leave to go do some man work.
And is anybody gonna get me flowers and tell me I'm beautiful? No! No one's out there marching for old Frank Murphy! He just watches the sands of his miserable life gather at his feet, while his wife, the "modern woman" throws on a pantsuit every morning and just There's my worker bee! So, the pressure's on my bosses to invent a new product to save the company.
Oh, boy, those clowns are quick with the insults, but when it comes time for ideas their brains take a three-hour nap.
Slow down, Frank.
This isn't prison.
It kind of is.
Look, I'm sorry I got to leave so early.
It's okay.
I'm just so happy you're working.
Well, it's not ideal, but it's the best job I could get right now.
Right.
Of all the many, many jobs you applied for at the employment office? Watch it.
Oh, I watched it.
I watched it all.
Lies.
Kevin, what are you talking about? No, no, no, no.
Let him go.
Let him go.
It's just some wizard slang nobody understands.
Frank, honey, when you wash the lettuce, you need to dry it too, with paper towels.
Oh, I get it.
Say what you really mean, Sue! You're embarrassed of my new job.
Why don't you just get a bumper sticker for your car, "Ask me about my loser husband's shit job"? I don't feel like that! But is that how you feel? Don't you put my own words in my mouth! You think it's beneath me! Honey, I'm proud of you! We need the money, no matter No matter how little I make! I knew it! Yeah, I'll be stocking vending machines at night for $1.
60 an hour if I'm lucky enough to even get the job! But I'm still a man, and I want to provide for my family by working, not laying around some commie hippie pad, feeling all groovy, eating government cheese.
I've got my pride! And I'm gonna - [horn honks.]
- [exhaust backfires.]
Which house is Frank Murphy at? I'm picking him up for work! Oh, shit.
That looks like that ice cream truck that made the news and doesn't come around anymore.
Hey, you're black.
I work with a guy who knows Hank Aaron's niece.
Okay, show's over.
Nothing to see here.
Did somebody get shot? I saw a black guy in a truck! Nobody got shot, Babe! Go back inside, you fucking busybodies! Hi, Smokey, I'm Frank.
Look like your name's Larry.
Now grab a crate and try not to fall out.
Whoa! What did I just say? Pay attention! Have fun, Frank.
And nice to meet you, brother! That one creepy-ass motherfucker.
And the lie was That his face was young But it couldn't hide His weathered soul - # Weather # - # Weather # Gentlemen, we have produced an instant masterpiece.
It's too good.
Like, how can we ever top it? Oh, I think I hear the sound of a thousand panties dropping at once.
We're never gonna get chicks.
What about Haircut Girl? She doesn't exist! It's a lie, just like everything else! Let's face it, we'll never get our music heard.
You saw that bullshit at the mall.
The only way to make it is to bribe DJs with cocaine.
Well, if a little blow is all it takes, then let's get some and give it to that DJ.
- We can't do that.
- Sure we can! I know where to get drugs, and we can borrow my mom's car.
The other day, I told her I was 16, and she totally bought it.
Oh, come on, what's the point? It'll never work.
It's all a fucking pipe dream.
Whoa! Man, you sound like your dad.
Don't you ever say that.
I am not my father! Take it easy, man.
Oh, you need to hit the baby.
- [doll.]
Dada? - This calls for something special.
Oregon Gold - dipped in Columbia River salmon piss.
- [doll.]
Dada? - Let's write another song.
- Oh, yeah.
It's probably a good idea for us to be prolific.
[Bolo.]
Whoa! He's sucking the shit out of that baby.
[coughing.]
Dada? Dada? [distored voice.]
Dada? Dada? Dada? [screams.]
What the fuck is wrong with you? Maybe if you didn't cut class, you'd know how to rearrange a face! Ah! I hate you! I will not turn into my father.
Let's get that coke and change the world! Oh, good.
You're still alive.
We were about to toss you out in front of the hospital.
Let's get those drugs! [radio DJ.]
That was Little Blind Peg Leg Ernie with "I Don't Need Your Damn Help.
" What's the matter, you never seen the inside of a truck before? - No, it's just, that - I know what you thinking.
You're too good for this job.
That's why I didn't want to hire you in the first place.
You used to being a big shot.
Now you're riding in this hoopty, next to a motherfucker that smell like cigars, got diabetes, and got a wife that fucks another man while he's home because she know good and damn well he too tired to come up them stairs.
Oh, I wasn't thinking that.
Yeah, but now you are.
You see? All you people are the same.
Now, here's the deal, Frank Murphy.
You got one night to prove to me that you can do the job.
Don't worry, Smokey.
I can do this.
I used to run an airport.
Alrighty then, Mr.
Lindenbergh, but remember, you do the job right, you're hired.
You don't, you and that weird-ass neighbor can stay home and fuck each other! Now pay attention! Your job depends on it.
The first thing you do is open up the machine, put in the crackers, then the cookies, then the fruit pies.
Not the fruit cakes, the fruit pies.
Take out the cash box, empty it into your coin sack, shove your coin sack into the front of your pants.
Sack to sack.
Say it.
Sack to sack.
Coin to loin.
Don't improvise.
This ain't jazz, motherfucker! Check the change for slugs.
People try to put all kind of shit in these machines.
One time I took out a big old toenail on a string.
Slick motherfucker got me for five Clark bars and a Nutter Butter.
Now, Hershey bars are different.
They're the queen bitch of the whole operation.
They're delicate.
You got to be careful when you're loading them.
Pay attention.
You slide the bars in.
Like this? Don't shove them in like an animal! Slide 'em in.
Like you're making love to your woman.
You got to slide 'em in.
Got to slide 'em in.
- You got that? - Got it.
Goddamn it, Frank Murphy.
Maybe you can leave doors open in your neighborhood, but not around here.
Sorry.
Sorry.
That's your first strike.
One more and you're out.
Don't you get three strikes? Not in American Legion co-ed softball, only league I recognize! Now watch and learn.
Shove it, slam it, twist the lock.
Stick the key inside your sock.
Why can't the key just be on the key ring? Because, the rhyme came first, system came later.
All right, I landed on Colt.
[Colt Luger on recording.]
Got you, dirtbag.
Go to the San Cortez Regional Correctional Institute for kids! - Oh, man.
- My turn.
You just smacked a broad.
Roll again.
Ahh.
This is just what I've needed.
A nice, quiet night with my kids.
My turn.
[machine rumbling.]
Oh, washing machine.
Your father said he was gonna fix it.
He also said he was gonna take me to the eye doctor.
[gasps.]
- Is it happening again? - No.
No.
[sighs.]
Well, shine my shoes! At least the spin cycle works now.
[chuckles.]
We should've put your father's soggy lettuce in there.
[chuckles.]
Good one, Mom! [Bill.]
Mom? [Tracy.]
Plast-A-Ware's in trouble! [Gene.]
Everyone think up an exciting, new product! [Dana.]
Everybody except Sue! [laughter.]
[Tracy.]
I'd like to be in her fantasy! [man.]
It spin dries lettuce.
- [woman.]
Unbelievable! - [man.]
What an invention! - [man 2.]
That's incredible! - [man 3.]
I've never seen anything so great! [woman.]
She's a genius! [man 4.]
Oh, my God, what an incredible invention! [applause.]
Eat that, you fuckers.
Mommy, your smile is scaring me.
[radio DJ.]
Ooh, that was American Flag with "Winnipeg Rock," and you are listening to Howlin' Hank's all night throbbing e-rock-tion.
- Are you sure we can score coke here? - Totally.
This neighborhood's always on the news: "Drug Dealer Murdered", "Toddler Washed Away By Open Hydrant", "Three Teens in Mother's Car Killed in Drug Buy Gone Wrong.
" Wow, that could be us.
That could be us! One way or another, we're getting famous tonight! Immortality forever! Okay, Frank Murphy.
So far, so shitty.
But at least you're doing better than the last two guys I tried out on this route.
You ain't quit after a half an hour, and I ain't shot you.
I'm not gonna quit.
I need this too much.
I already lied to my wife about how I got this job, I don't know what lie I'd tell her if I lost it.
Youse a desperate motherfucker.
I like that! - Catch! - What's this? The second-best thing about this job.
You get to keep the damaged ones and the stales.
Ugh! This soda is as flat as your ass, but it's free.
There was a mouse in mine.
Get ready to be a hero, Frank Murphy.
What's happening, everybody? It's the rubber man! - [woman.]
All right! - [man.]
Rubber man is here! [cheering.]
- [man.]
Fill it up so I can fill it up! - [man 2.]
This one's ribbed for my pleasure.
[woman.]
Where the fuck were you last week? How about that guy? - He looks like a drug dealer.
- No.
He's not wearing a vest with no shirt.
- How about that guy? - No.
He only has one gold tooth.
You're too chicken to do this, man.
Pull over here.
I'll show you how it's done.
First of all, I am sorry for the loss of Dr.
King.
You idiot! You don't talk to them like that.
It's cool.
It's cool.
You boys looking for something? Something to make you feel good? - Shit yes.
- Now we're talking.
- You looking for that white stuff? - Yes, sir.
- Ten dollars.
- Deal! [whistles.]
Bring it over! All right, Murph! What a bargain! Hey, boys.
If you got a sandwich bag, I'll fuck all y'all.
[all scream.]
Fucking queers! Don't you mess with "International Touch"! Oh, damn.
I can't keep this titty in to save my life.
Bitch, get out of the street! [Colt Luger on recording.]
You just killed a civilian.
Plant a gun on him and go eat a steak.
It's your turn, Mom.
- [Maureen.]
Mom? - Kids, Mom's gonna do a little drawing.
Just watch TV.
Uh, even though it's almost bed time? Don't tell her that, you narc! - You can stay up a little later.
- Yay! My visit to the Sag Harbor Nudist Colony revealed that this philosophy is shared by people of all ages.
[man.]
Well, this tattoo used to be my wife's face.
[both scream.]
- All set.
- Good job, Frank Murphy.
Thanks, Smokey.
You know, Frank Murphy, you all right.
You're gonna like this job.
Captain of your own ship.
Ain't nobody telling you what to do.
Not even stop signs.
Fuck you, sign! Yep, just the romance of the road.
Does that mean I got the job? Well, I was gonna make you beg for it just a little bit, but let's just say Oh, shit! The money sacks! Told you to latch the fucking door! That's a whole night's take! Strike two! You failed! No, I can't! Get back in the damn truck! No! I'm gonna make this right! Then fuck the pennies, grab them quarters! [screams.]
[radio DJ.]
Ooh, I swear I'm addicted to this next song! - [sniffs.]
Here's Corey Mars with - Turn that fucker off! What a disaster.
Our money's gone, our careers are over before they even started.
Well, I guess we won't ever be rockers.
We'll have to get boring jobs, like being a dentist.
Or the guy who knocks cows out.
Things could be worse.
We could be that guy.
Dad? Yeah! I got a nickel! No fucking way is that gonna be me! Bolo, we're going to that radio station.
- Turn this car around! - Aye-aye, captain! - [all shout.]
- [honks horn.]
[Kevin.]
I meant wait until it was safe to do so! [Bolo.]
That ain't rock 'n' roll! Just one more to go! - You're gonna get yourself killed! - I'm not losing this job! I did it, Smokey! I got 'em all! - [growling.]
- [screams.]
Fuck! Fuck! Go, go, go! Shove! Slam! Twist the lock! Fuck you, you [screams.]
I won't come back until that fucking DJ has listened to our song.
Into the flames, rock god! Hey! Where you going, kid? - To claim my destiny! - Oh, okay.
Why are our ratings so low? People aren't listening to the station.
Well, there's got to be another reason! Here's the new one from Tin Chicken.
I need you to play this tape! Whoa, kid, demo tapes go in the lobby trash can.
No way! We spent almost three hours working on this! Hold on there, star child.
Kevin, you don't belong here.
No.
You don't belong here, and you don't belong here, you fucking sellouts! You said you care about the purity of music? Well, if that's true and you have one shred of self-respect left in your souls, you will listen to the future of rock! Wait.
Hang on, play this side.
The other side's my oral report on Johnny Tremain.
Kevin, when you've been in this business as long as I have, it's easy to lose sight of what's important.
Thank you for reminding me that it's what's in your soul that really counts.
Well, buddy, you got your balls in the door.
Let's see if those balls can sing.
This is Kevin Murphy with Merlin's Monocle and this is our first single, "Weathered Souls.
" On a desert road Sand storms and dunes Sat a weathered soul Who needed his own room Weather [radio DJ.]
Classes resumed after the snakes were shot.
What are we listening for? It's just the news.
Vic said to listen exactly at 12:06.
He promised.
It's 12:06 o'KWOCK.
That means it's time for the # Weather # Overnight lows in the mid-20's tonight.
Did they just play two seconds of our song as their weather jingle? I think they did.
Are you fucking kidding me? We are fucking gods! - Yes! We're rich! - Yes! - Eat me, Dad! - [Bolo.]
Yeah! Fuck your dad! Frank Murphy, there's a term us Snack Jacks use.
It's called "it.
" And you got "it.
" And I'm gonna put "it" in this truck five nights a week.
Take her home.
You start tomorrow.
Thanks, Smokey.
I won't let you down.
That's the last time we touch, okay? [engine turns over.]
Loving for me Just like a natural man Like a natural man Like a natural man Just like a natural man - [Frank.]
Oh! - # Just like a natural man # Just like a natural man - # My feet are on the ground # - # Just like a natural man # - # My soul is searching for the sky # - # Just like a natural man # - # Like a natural man # - # Just like a natural man # - # Just like a natural man # - # Just like a natural man # My feet are on the ground [Sue.]
Oh, Frank! Oh, Frank! - # Like a natural man # - # Just like a natural man # - # Just like a natural man # - # Just like a natural man # - # My feet are on the ground # - # Just like a natural man # - # My soul is searching for the sky # - # Just like a natural man # - # Like a natural man # - # Just like a natural man # - # No more "Yes, sir" # - # Just like a natural man # - # No more "Yes, ma'am" # - # Just like a natural man #
Always trying to trick me by saying nice things to me.
Oh.
Are you's the new postman? Delivering joy in every package.
I've got a special delivery [boom.]
[screams.]
Oh, man! Oh, man! Oh, man! Oh, man! Serves you right, you little Scheisse.
Are you serious, Vic? You never work on Saturdays.
I know, but this is an emergency, Cutie Pie.
There's a big problem and the station needs me to fix it.
But we're supposed to get naked and make cupcakes.
And we will.
Now, go put on your crotchless apron, turn on Scooby Doo, and I'll be right back to hop in your Mystery Machine.
[car engine starts.]
[girls chanting.]
We want Corey! We want Corey! We want Corey! [girl.]
Where is he? [girl 2.]
Where is Corey? It's been, like, two hours.
[man.]
I ain't playing this shit! - Fuck you! - Fuck you! - [man.]
I don't give a shit! - Oh, man.
For the last time, I ain't playing this record.
It's a piece of bubblegum shit.
Fuck you! I paid your station a boatload of money to play his song.
- That's your fucking problem! - Calm down.
Calm down.
Uncle Vic's here to throw a little "nice" on the fire.
Your DJ is disrespecting my artist.
Duane Allman is an artist.
This kid fell out of Donny Osmond's pussy.
Did not! Now, hold on.
Hold on.
Nobody fell out of anybody's yow-yow.
Hank, you and me are gonna have a little rap session.
Look, brother, you and I both know this record sucks, but things are tight, and I need you to play ball.
I won't do it, Vic! I got a reputation to uphold! Oh, fuck your reputation! Play the fucking record! How about I fuck your mother, you fucking hippie? How about that? You like that, you fucking cunt? Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Who stuck your pubes in a zipper? I'm so sorry.
I don't do stress well.
[chuckles.]
Our ratings are slipping, the suits are coming down on me I ain't playing this shit.
Hank, my man, you care about the purity of music, as do I, but sometimes you got to play the game.
The only way to make it less painful for us is a little tooter of Bolivian Agreement Powder.
I love you, Vic.
I love this record.
Seeing a momma gorilla carry her baby gorilla makes me cry! Let's do it! [girls chanting.]
We want Corey! Ooh, I can feel my heartbeat through my forehead and I've got the righteous teen sensation you've been waiting to see.
Corey Mars with "It's A Puppy Dog, Cotton Candy Day"! I hate myself! - [girls cheering.]
- # All I wanna do is play # It's a puppy dog cotton candy day All I wanna do is play It's a puppy dog cotton candy day This song sounds like cats fucking.
Can you believe that shit? He bribed him with drugs.
They're compromising the integrity of the music business! There's no beauty in this world.
Pardon me.
I'd like to get to the Kay Kyser records.
Oh! You had your time, just die already! [Redbone's "Come and Get Your Love" playing.]
Come and get your love Come and get your love Come and get your love Come and get your love Come and get your love Come and get your love Come and get your love now Come and get your love Come and get your love Come and get your love now [grunts.]
Ah! Come and get your love Come and get your love Come and get your love now Come and get your love Come and get your love Come and get your love now Our top story this Wednesday.
Police are searching for a Rustland City woman who's been missing since last week.
Her disappearance was reported by her distraught pimp, who goes by the name "International Touch.
" What's a pimp? You watch Colt Luger.
It's a black guy.
No, it's not that.
Well, it is that, but it's complicated.
Did you take this macaroni from the counter? - Yeah? - Ah! I needed it for supper! I'm sorry.
I love you, Daddy.
- Nah, you don't.
Nobody does.
- [phone rings.]
Shit.
I'll never get this done.
We don't want any! - Hey, Frank.
- Oh, hey, Rosie.
You ready for your first night in the vending machine business? - Oh, thank you for this job, Rosie.
- Now, don't thank me yet.
This is just a one night tryout to see if Smokey likes you.
I know.
But you still got me in the door.
God, I have been going crazy sitting around like a bum.
I would've killed myself, but I don't want to haunt my own house.
Well, you're better off there than down here.
All hands on deck! This is not a drill! We are being invaded! Scoop, these are all friendly planes.
They're supposed to land here.
Again, this is an airport.
Now, give me the flare gun.
I better let you go, Frank.
Good luck tonight.
Smokey said he's coming over to pick you up at 6:00.
What? I thought I was gonna meet him at the warehouse.
He's coming here? To my street? - You got a problem with that? - No, no, it's just I know what it's "just.
" I vouched for you, Frank.
Damn it! Just don't make me look bad.
[water running.]
Oh, great! Come and get your slop! [groans.]
Not Hamburger Assistant again.
Why can't Mom make dinner? Ask her.
She's the one who abandoned her post.
Now, after doing all the lady work, I got to leave to go do some man work.
And is anybody gonna get me flowers and tell me I'm beautiful? No! No one's out there marching for old Frank Murphy! He just watches the sands of his miserable life gather at his feet, while his wife, the "modern woman" throws on a pantsuit every morning and just There's my worker bee! So, the pressure's on my bosses to invent a new product to save the company.
Oh, boy, those clowns are quick with the insults, but when it comes time for ideas their brains take a three-hour nap.
Slow down, Frank.
This isn't prison.
It kind of is.
Look, I'm sorry I got to leave so early.
It's okay.
I'm just so happy you're working.
Well, it's not ideal, but it's the best job I could get right now.
Right.
Of all the many, many jobs you applied for at the employment office? Watch it.
Oh, I watched it.
I watched it all.
Lies.
Kevin, what are you talking about? No, no, no, no.
Let him go.
Let him go.
It's just some wizard slang nobody understands.
Frank, honey, when you wash the lettuce, you need to dry it too, with paper towels.
Oh, I get it.
Say what you really mean, Sue! You're embarrassed of my new job.
Why don't you just get a bumper sticker for your car, "Ask me about my loser husband's shit job"? I don't feel like that! But is that how you feel? Don't you put my own words in my mouth! You think it's beneath me! Honey, I'm proud of you! We need the money, no matter No matter how little I make! I knew it! Yeah, I'll be stocking vending machines at night for $1.
60 an hour if I'm lucky enough to even get the job! But I'm still a man, and I want to provide for my family by working, not laying around some commie hippie pad, feeling all groovy, eating government cheese.
I've got my pride! And I'm gonna - [horn honks.]
- [exhaust backfires.]
Which house is Frank Murphy at? I'm picking him up for work! Oh, shit.
That looks like that ice cream truck that made the news and doesn't come around anymore.
Hey, you're black.
I work with a guy who knows Hank Aaron's niece.
Okay, show's over.
Nothing to see here.
Did somebody get shot? I saw a black guy in a truck! Nobody got shot, Babe! Go back inside, you fucking busybodies! Hi, Smokey, I'm Frank.
Look like your name's Larry.
Now grab a crate and try not to fall out.
Whoa! What did I just say? Pay attention! Have fun, Frank.
And nice to meet you, brother! That one creepy-ass motherfucker.
And the lie was That his face was young But it couldn't hide His weathered soul - # Weather # - # Weather # Gentlemen, we have produced an instant masterpiece.
It's too good.
Like, how can we ever top it? Oh, I think I hear the sound of a thousand panties dropping at once.
We're never gonna get chicks.
What about Haircut Girl? She doesn't exist! It's a lie, just like everything else! Let's face it, we'll never get our music heard.
You saw that bullshit at the mall.
The only way to make it is to bribe DJs with cocaine.
Well, if a little blow is all it takes, then let's get some and give it to that DJ.
- We can't do that.
- Sure we can! I know where to get drugs, and we can borrow my mom's car.
The other day, I told her I was 16, and she totally bought it.
Oh, come on, what's the point? It'll never work.
It's all a fucking pipe dream.
Whoa! Man, you sound like your dad.
Don't you ever say that.
I am not my father! Take it easy, man.
Oh, you need to hit the baby.
- [doll.]
Dada? - This calls for something special.
Oregon Gold - dipped in Columbia River salmon piss.
- [doll.]
Dada? - Let's write another song.
- Oh, yeah.
It's probably a good idea for us to be prolific.
[Bolo.]
Whoa! He's sucking the shit out of that baby.
[coughing.]
Dada? Dada? [distored voice.]
Dada? Dada? Dada? [screams.]
What the fuck is wrong with you? Maybe if you didn't cut class, you'd know how to rearrange a face! Ah! I hate you! I will not turn into my father.
Let's get that coke and change the world! Oh, good.
You're still alive.
We were about to toss you out in front of the hospital.
Let's get those drugs! [radio DJ.]
That was Little Blind Peg Leg Ernie with "I Don't Need Your Damn Help.
" What's the matter, you never seen the inside of a truck before? - No, it's just, that - I know what you thinking.
You're too good for this job.
That's why I didn't want to hire you in the first place.
You used to being a big shot.
Now you're riding in this hoopty, next to a motherfucker that smell like cigars, got diabetes, and got a wife that fucks another man while he's home because she know good and damn well he too tired to come up them stairs.
Oh, I wasn't thinking that.
Yeah, but now you are.
You see? All you people are the same.
Now, here's the deal, Frank Murphy.
You got one night to prove to me that you can do the job.
Don't worry, Smokey.
I can do this.
I used to run an airport.
Alrighty then, Mr.
Lindenbergh, but remember, you do the job right, you're hired.
You don't, you and that weird-ass neighbor can stay home and fuck each other! Now pay attention! Your job depends on it.
The first thing you do is open up the machine, put in the crackers, then the cookies, then the fruit pies.
Not the fruit cakes, the fruit pies.
Take out the cash box, empty it into your coin sack, shove your coin sack into the front of your pants.
Sack to sack.
Say it.
Sack to sack.
Coin to loin.
Don't improvise.
This ain't jazz, motherfucker! Check the change for slugs.
People try to put all kind of shit in these machines.
One time I took out a big old toenail on a string.
Slick motherfucker got me for five Clark bars and a Nutter Butter.
Now, Hershey bars are different.
They're the queen bitch of the whole operation.
They're delicate.
You got to be careful when you're loading them.
Pay attention.
You slide the bars in.
Like this? Don't shove them in like an animal! Slide 'em in.
Like you're making love to your woman.
You got to slide 'em in.
Got to slide 'em in.
- You got that? - Got it.
Goddamn it, Frank Murphy.
Maybe you can leave doors open in your neighborhood, but not around here.
Sorry.
Sorry.
That's your first strike.
One more and you're out.
Don't you get three strikes? Not in American Legion co-ed softball, only league I recognize! Now watch and learn.
Shove it, slam it, twist the lock.
Stick the key inside your sock.
Why can't the key just be on the key ring? Because, the rhyme came first, system came later.
All right, I landed on Colt.
[Colt Luger on recording.]
Got you, dirtbag.
Go to the San Cortez Regional Correctional Institute for kids! - Oh, man.
- My turn.
You just smacked a broad.
Roll again.
Ahh.
This is just what I've needed.
A nice, quiet night with my kids.
My turn.
[machine rumbling.]
Oh, washing machine.
Your father said he was gonna fix it.
He also said he was gonna take me to the eye doctor.
[gasps.]
- Is it happening again? - No.
No.
[sighs.]
Well, shine my shoes! At least the spin cycle works now.
[chuckles.]
We should've put your father's soggy lettuce in there.
[chuckles.]
Good one, Mom! [Bill.]
Mom? [Tracy.]
Plast-A-Ware's in trouble! [Gene.]
Everyone think up an exciting, new product! [Dana.]
Everybody except Sue! [laughter.]
[Tracy.]
I'd like to be in her fantasy! [man.]
It spin dries lettuce.
- [woman.]
Unbelievable! - [man.]
What an invention! - [man 2.]
That's incredible! - [man 3.]
I've never seen anything so great! [woman.]
She's a genius! [man 4.]
Oh, my God, what an incredible invention! [applause.]
Eat that, you fuckers.
Mommy, your smile is scaring me.
[radio DJ.]
Ooh, that was American Flag with "Winnipeg Rock," and you are listening to Howlin' Hank's all night throbbing e-rock-tion.
- Are you sure we can score coke here? - Totally.
This neighborhood's always on the news: "Drug Dealer Murdered", "Toddler Washed Away By Open Hydrant", "Three Teens in Mother's Car Killed in Drug Buy Gone Wrong.
" Wow, that could be us.
That could be us! One way or another, we're getting famous tonight! Immortality forever! Okay, Frank Murphy.
So far, so shitty.
But at least you're doing better than the last two guys I tried out on this route.
You ain't quit after a half an hour, and I ain't shot you.
I'm not gonna quit.
I need this too much.
I already lied to my wife about how I got this job, I don't know what lie I'd tell her if I lost it.
Youse a desperate motherfucker.
I like that! - Catch! - What's this? The second-best thing about this job.
You get to keep the damaged ones and the stales.
Ugh! This soda is as flat as your ass, but it's free.
There was a mouse in mine.
Get ready to be a hero, Frank Murphy.
What's happening, everybody? It's the rubber man! - [woman.]
All right! - [man.]
Rubber man is here! [cheering.]
- [man.]
Fill it up so I can fill it up! - [man 2.]
This one's ribbed for my pleasure.
[woman.]
Where the fuck were you last week? How about that guy? - He looks like a drug dealer.
- No.
He's not wearing a vest with no shirt.
- How about that guy? - No.
He only has one gold tooth.
You're too chicken to do this, man.
Pull over here.
I'll show you how it's done.
First of all, I am sorry for the loss of Dr.
King.
You idiot! You don't talk to them like that.
It's cool.
It's cool.
You boys looking for something? Something to make you feel good? - Shit yes.
- Now we're talking.
- You looking for that white stuff? - Yes, sir.
- Ten dollars.
- Deal! [whistles.]
Bring it over! All right, Murph! What a bargain! Hey, boys.
If you got a sandwich bag, I'll fuck all y'all.
[all scream.]
Fucking queers! Don't you mess with "International Touch"! Oh, damn.
I can't keep this titty in to save my life.
Bitch, get out of the street! [Colt Luger on recording.]
You just killed a civilian.
Plant a gun on him and go eat a steak.
It's your turn, Mom.
- [Maureen.]
Mom? - Kids, Mom's gonna do a little drawing.
Just watch TV.
Uh, even though it's almost bed time? Don't tell her that, you narc! - You can stay up a little later.
- Yay! My visit to the Sag Harbor Nudist Colony revealed that this philosophy is shared by people of all ages.
[man.]
Well, this tattoo used to be my wife's face.
[both scream.]
- All set.
- Good job, Frank Murphy.
Thanks, Smokey.
You know, Frank Murphy, you all right.
You're gonna like this job.
Captain of your own ship.
Ain't nobody telling you what to do.
Not even stop signs.
Fuck you, sign! Yep, just the romance of the road.
Does that mean I got the job? Well, I was gonna make you beg for it just a little bit, but let's just say Oh, shit! The money sacks! Told you to latch the fucking door! That's a whole night's take! Strike two! You failed! No, I can't! Get back in the damn truck! No! I'm gonna make this right! Then fuck the pennies, grab them quarters! [screams.]
[radio DJ.]
Ooh, I swear I'm addicted to this next song! - [sniffs.]
Here's Corey Mars with - Turn that fucker off! What a disaster.
Our money's gone, our careers are over before they even started.
Well, I guess we won't ever be rockers.
We'll have to get boring jobs, like being a dentist.
Or the guy who knocks cows out.
Things could be worse.
We could be that guy.
Dad? Yeah! I got a nickel! No fucking way is that gonna be me! Bolo, we're going to that radio station.
- Turn this car around! - Aye-aye, captain! - [all shout.]
- [honks horn.]
[Kevin.]
I meant wait until it was safe to do so! [Bolo.]
That ain't rock 'n' roll! Just one more to go! - You're gonna get yourself killed! - I'm not losing this job! I did it, Smokey! I got 'em all! - [growling.]
- [screams.]
Fuck! Fuck! Go, go, go! Shove! Slam! Twist the lock! Fuck you, you [screams.]
I won't come back until that fucking DJ has listened to our song.
Into the flames, rock god! Hey! Where you going, kid? - To claim my destiny! - Oh, okay.
Why are our ratings so low? People aren't listening to the station.
Well, there's got to be another reason! Here's the new one from Tin Chicken.
I need you to play this tape! Whoa, kid, demo tapes go in the lobby trash can.
No way! We spent almost three hours working on this! Hold on there, star child.
Kevin, you don't belong here.
No.
You don't belong here, and you don't belong here, you fucking sellouts! You said you care about the purity of music? Well, if that's true and you have one shred of self-respect left in your souls, you will listen to the future of rock! Wait.
Hang on, play this side.
The other side's my oral report on Johnny Tremain.
Kevin, when you've been in this business as long as I have, it's easy to lose sight of what's important.
Thank you for reminding me that it's what's in your soul that really counts.
Well, buddy, you got your balls in the door.
Let's see if those balls can sing.
This is Kevin Murphy with Merlin's Monocle and this is our first single, "Weathered Souls.
" On a desert road Sand storms and dunes Sat a weathered soul Who needed his own room Weather [radio DJ.]
Classes resumed after the snakes were shot.
What are we listening for? It's just the news.
Vic said to listen exactly at 12:06.
He promised.
It's 12:06 o'KWOCK.
That means it's time for the # Weather # Overnight lows in the mid-20's tonight.
Did they just play two seconds of our song as their weather jingle? I think they did.
Are you fucking kidding me? We are fucking gods! - Yes! We're rich! - Yes! - Eat me, Dad! - [Bolo.]
Yeah! Fuck your dad! Frank Murphy, there's a term us Snack Jacks use.
It's called "it.
" And you got "it.
" And I'm gonna put "it" in this truck five nights a week.
Take her home.
You start tomorrow.
Thanks, Smokey.
I won't let you down.
That's the last time we touch, okay? [engine turns over.]
Loving for me Just like a natural man Like a natural man Like a natural man Just like a natural man - [Frank.]
Oh! - # Just like a natural man # Just like a natural man - # My feet are on the ground # - # Just like a natural man # - # My soul is searching for the sky # - # Just like a natural man # - # Like a natural man # - # Just like a natural man # - # Just like a natural man # - # Just like a natural man # My feet are on the ground [Sue.]
Oh, Frank! Oh, Frank! - # Like a natural man # - # Just like a natural man # - # Just like a natural man # - # Just like a natural man # - # My feet are on the ground # - # Just like a natural man # - # My soul is searching for the sky # - # Just like a natural man # - # Like a natural man # - # Just like a natural man # - # No more "Yes, sir" # - # Just like a natural man # - # No more "Yes, ma'am" # - # Just like a natural man #