Fairfax (2021) s02e04 Episode Script
Career Day
- [Derica] Ooh, nice!
- [Dale] Aw
[Truman] Hell yeah.
- No fucking way.
- Fairfax Career Day.
I was always just planning
on inheriting Oy Vape,
but wellness and crystals,
now that's a combo
you just can't ignore.
- Sky's the limit, bruh!
- [Truman] Ooh.
Like, obviously, I'm down
to get my Mark Cuban on
in the NBA,
but I also see a world
where I'm making beats
in my mama's basement!
Wait. You guys see
Off-Brian needs an intern?
Ooh, my vision board
is coming to life
right before my very eyes.
- Oh, hell yeah!
- Nice.
Man, y'all are tripping.
Off-Brian's fuckin' goon squad.
Homeboy's making fits
out of trash.
Holy shit!
Girlbossier?
Yo, working for them
could be a forever mood.
What's a Girlbossier?
Hah! Only the most progressive
female-run company of all time.
They use feminism to slay
the patriarchal beauty industry.
I would eat a Wagyu bone-in
rib eye for that internship.
Welcome to Career Day, Fairfax!
So, to prepare you
for the real world
on the Internet, y'all are
getting your first internships.
[excited exclaiming]
Now, if everyone'll
check their phones,
I've sent y'all an app
called FaceScanTern.
When I say so,
fire that ish up
and the facial
recognition software
I took out
a second mortgage for
will assign your ass
to a company.
It's goin' down for real in
three two one
scan!
Yes!
I'm triggered.
The fuck?
Holy cow.
Off-Brian?
I'm that bitch!
Oh ♪
- Waitin' for the ♪
- Drop ♪
- Waitin' for ♪
- The drop ♪
- Waitin' for the ♪
- Oh ♪
Waitin' for the ♪
- [Femme: "What You Gonna Do"]
- What you gonna do when the fund runs dry? ♪
What you gonna do
when the fund runs dry ♪
- And the money runs out
- [gasps, squeals]
- ♪
- [laughter, chatter]
[whoops]
[Derica gasps]
OMG! Dope and tasteful?
That's, like,
the hardest combo to pull off.
How the fuck did I end up
at a makeup company?
What am I, my mom?
My sister?
My other sister?!
- [elevator bell dings]
- [gasps]
[Benny] Who the shit is that?
Aleesia Bennet.
CEO and founder of Girlbossier.
She's like
if Kate Middleton, AOC,
and the moon were one person.
You must be our strong,
independent interns
from Fairfax Middle School.
Shit yes, we are!
Derica? You'll be helping us
in the mail room!
Oh, yay, mail room.
And Benny?
You'll be working in
our test kitchen!
Thank God. I'm starving.
Starving to change the world.
[Jarl] Welcome to the house
that juice built.
Here's your cubicle.
So what you're going to do is
Let me guess. Uh, input
this shit into that shit?
Perfect. Just like
my biological children,
you barely need me.
Huh?
"Truman Clark, please report
to the AR/VR room fo" What?
Orienta Homie didn't say
anything about orientation.
Bye, Mom! Love you!
[exhales] Okay.
This is it, Dale.
This is your chance to prove to
the gang gang once and for all
that you can
serve lewks, too.
Ah!
Dale? Golden Dorito Dale?
Bri-Dawg! Hey, pal.
You're my intern?
Aw, the motherfucking chances!
Come on in,
ya fuckin' fart cupper.
Yo, was that your mom?
Man, she is hot.
♪
Welcome to the lab.
I heard Dr. Dre call
his house that once.
Hey, you got time for a tour?
Of course you do,
you're my fuckin' intern.
Huh?
Save yourself.
Ah!
♪
Welcome to our test kitchen,
where every single Girlbossier
product is naturally birthed.
I'm Kellen.
You must be the new intern.
Uh Benny.
Ooh, that's so urban.
[laughs]
- I love it. Ah!
- Ah! What?
They finally sent us
the Korean cheek structure
we've been begging for.
Are these implants?
Excuse me?
I would never Cardi-butt
this face.
[laughs] Okay, Mr. Feisty.
If I could just
Ey, ey, ey, yo!
I'm cis male as hell!
[grunting]
Even the cis can
be beautiful, darling.
[gasps]
Holy Benicio Del Toro.
I'm gorgeous.
Teach me your ways.
- [humming]
- That's it.
And anything for the C-suites
gets hand-delivered ASAP.
Mm-hmm, got it! And when do I
get my one-on-one with Aleesia?
One-on-one with Aleesia?
Girl! [laughing]
- [Derica] Ugh.
- [continues laughing]
Ah-ha.
Derica,
you stupid brilliant bitch.
Ey, hold up
Wait. Okay, Welch's!
This shit clean.
"Augmented reality orientation"?
Damn, Welch's extra as fuck.
Oh, shit.
Wait, this is actually
kind of tight.
"Welcome to Welch's Jams &
Juices Logistics Orientation."
Yup, Daddy's gonna
stretch this one out.
What?
Hey, Big Head.
Cerise?!
[dings]
Oh. My. God.
Hello? Ms. Bennet?
Ugh! Have you ever seen
more boring faces?
God. It's like,
how many versions
of Emma Stone
does the world need?
Ugh. If only Timothée Chalamet
had a vagina.
Mm, I'd hit that.
Time out.
Now time in again.
Who are you?
I'm Derica Stratton-Torres
and I fucking love you.
Professionally.
I want to be a world-changing
Girl Boss just like you.
Huh. Do you, now?
Yes, bitch!
I mean, yes,
Ms. Bennet bitch.
[gasps] So raw.
So unafraid of authoritay.
[laughs] What, you think I got
this temporary tattoo of Malala
because she listens
to authoritay?
Game recognize game, gal.
Pouring a little one out
for my girl RBG.
[shrieks]
[chuckles] Let's just say
I signed hers,
she signed mine.
Derica, you are yes.
Hah! I know, right?
Yes to the yas to the yas!
Jesus F. Christ, finally.
Brooks? Brooks, I found her.
I found the new face
of Girlbossier.
Uh-uh. No.
Hell nah, I'm not playing
this game again.
You traumatized my ass
back at Chernobyl Fest.
And I haven't been able
to drink a J-word since!
Truman. This is different.
You have to believe me.
Believe you?
I believed you when you were
the woman of my dreams.
Then you turned out to be
a crusty-ass,
middle-aged white guy.
Chet and Denise played me,
too.
But I killed them.
- [giggles]
- The fuck?!
JK! Ha-ha-ha!
They discontinued
the marketing campaign
after you found them.
I've been stuck
here ever since,
in computer purgatory.
But I'm my own woman now,
and I want to make it up
to you.
Let me take you
on the first date we never had.
[heart pounding]
Take my hand, snack boi.
Whoa.
[birds singing]
It feels so real.
- I hope you're thirsty.
- Wait, wha
- [screams]
- [whoops]
[B-Boy Attitude feat. Alaina
Cross: "Boom (Light It Up)"]
Boom, boom, boom ♪
Boom, boom,
boom ♪
Boom, boom, boom ♪
Boom, boom,
boom ♪
You, you,
you want to know me ♪
You want to come see,
take it to the streets ♪
Like win, lose,
I'm making a scene ♪
Bust up the backseat ♪
- I'm dumping what he like ♪
- [gasping]
You don't even know
what I'm 'bout to do ♪
Lookin' down from space
kind of point of view ♪
- [gasps]
- Oh, I just feel different, never hit a limit ♪
- [squeals]
- Yeah, you better move ♪
'Cause I'm coming through ♪
- Light it, light it ♪
- Up, up ♪
L-L-Light it up like ♪
Boom, boom, boom ♪
Boom, boom,
boom ♪
- Light it up like ♪
- Boom, boom, boom ♪
Light it up, light it up,
light it up like ♪
Boom, boom, boom ♪
- Boom, boom, boom ♪
- Light it up like ♪
- Boom, boom, boom
- Hey, mine!
Man, get your own
damn lip kit!
- Mine, mine, mine!
- [cheering]
Boom, boom, boom ♪
- Light it up like
- [gasps, shrieks]
[Derica laughing]
Light it up, light it up
May I present
- the grand finale
- [gasps]
[cheering]
OMG, AOC.
Don't you love it, Dareeca?
Yeah! Uh, and by the way,
I've been meaning to tell you,
it's actually Der-i-ca.
[chuckles]
Oh, God, I love
how outspoken you are,
but we did some focus groups
and "Dareeca"
really makes your
Afro-Latinaness shine.
Right. Yes.
Representation is important.
- [chuckles]
- Said like a true Girl Boss
changing the effing world!
Oh, look at them
literally looking up to you.
Is it, I don't know,
maybe because
your new makeup line is
officially sold out?!
[gasps] Eat your butt out,
Kylie Jenner!
Uh-huh, uh-huh, okay!
Ooh, ah, ah-ah!
[birds singing]
Who cares if Terry and Brianna
lost their marital bedroom?
[singsongy]
Bri-Bri needs a new office.
It's cool their bed
is your desk.
God knows they weren't using it
for anything as sexy
as my ideas.
Look at you workin' the brand.
I'm loving the armpit holes.
Sire, your midday keto shake.
[coughs]
Was there 'nana in there?
You know I'm a "never 'nana!"
And look: now
you've made Dale sick!
- I-I-I'm so sorry, sir! I-I-I
- Clean it.
Oh, no, no, no, no,
it's okay, it's okay.
I was gagging at
something else.
Bri-Bri, I have Dolce on line
one. 911 fashion emergency.
Says he's had it up to here
with Gabbana.
Ugh, fine.
[grunts] Be a doll and
show Dale his workspace.
Whoa. I get to do actual work?
This is such a big deal.
Yeah, it's a big deal
for everyone.
Brian is such a genius,
it's terrifying.
So you can't blame him for
chloroforming insubordinates.
- Chloro-what-ing?
- You know, sleep juice.
Uh
Even I deserve
to get 'formed sometimes.
And who doesn't love
a surprise nap?
I don't know, I like
to see a nap coming.
So, Brian says you're
[nasally] "the only living
person who understands him,"
and seeing as you're the one
who inspired him
to start Off-Brian,
he wants you
to paint his portrait.
Paint? Oh, no, I-I can
barely write cursive.
- [heavy thud]
- [glass shatters]
[singsongy] Uh-oh,
somebody got 'formed!
Ah
- Who's on deck
- [Benny] This one. Oh.
This one [muttering]
Pretty, pretty,
grab yourself ♪
Get it, you're worth it
Bam!
He has the gift.
This ain't no scheme ♪
It's just a dream ♪
Like John and Chrissy ♪
Girl, you my missy ♪
He my prince ♪
He make me wince ♪
In that good way ♪
You know that good way ♪
Boy, you nasty ♪
Keep it classy ♪
She fine as hell ♪
The way she smell ♪
We slow it down,
he flip my frown ♪
She make me 'motional ♪
Just like the ocean-al ♪
That's right, I'm wavy ♪
And he my baby ♪
Chernobyl Fest? ♪
Girl, you da best ♪
Wait, what is this? ♪
It's our first kiss ♪
[moaning]
Mm.
[indistinct chatter]
My love! My light! My girl!
How lit are you to star
in Girlbossier's first
Super Bowl commercial?
Oh, litter than
a Yung Polluter trash fire.
It's about time we make the
right to assemble mainstream.
Right? My crystals said
it's gonna to be a-maze.
And we'll get to see
a rough cut
at Girlbossier's first ever
Div-HER-sity Summit, tonight.
Yes, hell yeah.
I know exactly
what to write on this.
Wait, what rhymes with
"peg the patriarchy"?
Honey, no.
We do all that in post.
Who knows what message
will be important
on Super Bowl Sunday?
Mm, I guess righteous today
could be cancellable tomorrow.
[laughs] You're hilarious!
Dareeca, baby.
Okay, okay, okay,
so, so we-we've just seen you
march from uh, LAX Airport
to the ghetto of um, uh,
of Downtown L.A.
Okay, here we go.
Okay? And-and action.
- [clapper clacks]
- [chanting] No mascara, no peace!
No gloss, no peace!
No mascara, no peace!
Dare to be you!
Dare to be different!
Dare to be Dareeca!
Thank you, all right,
cut, cut, cut.
Ah, l-l-let's do it again.
Extras, gimme more soul, baby,
- give me more soul, okay.
- Soul?
Uh, Dareeca,
let's lose the glasses.
They're giving her
dead eyes, okay?
[winces] Ooh, goddamn.
Loving no glasses.
Oh, now,
now you look like your people.
My "people"?
Oh
Fuck.
And action!
[slow motion] No Dareeca
no peace
All right, cue-cue the
Scarlett Johansson voiceover.
[Scarlett Johansson] Girlbossier
is Div-HER-sity.
That's a wrap.
We got it, infants.
Ah, no.
Oh, what's up, Dalé?
Hey, split a claw
with me, brah.
Yo, is that my portrait?
Let me see it, playboi.
Oh, you don't want to see this.
It's just the first draft
so, w-w-when you're
looking at it, just
- Fucking brilliant.
- Really?
I mean, this could be
at the Tate Modern.
You really see me,
Dale-Dawg.
I already owe you for
inspiring me to leave Hiroki
- and now this?
- Hiroki?
- Oh, ̧ forget about that guy.
- Right?
Fuck that guy.
Fuckin' bully.
Man, you are validating
my trauma.
Yeah! You know, it's almost
kind of like Hiroki was
oh, geez, I don't know
chloroforming your soul?
Dale are you implying
that there's something wrong
with me 'forming my employees?
Oh, no, it's just
- Uh
- [snoring]
In Scouts, we learned
it's important
to value your troop.
A-And your employees are
kinda like your troop.
Nah mean?
JK.
Total J.K. Rowling moment.
You are the troop.
You are the star
of the painting, my man.
Wow.
That's fucking deep, my dude.
Ooh, geez,
I'm not feeling so good.
- I think the old lobster intolerance is acting up.
- Been there, brah.
- Go ahead and use the master bathroom.
- Uh
Oh, that looks good.
Oh, you gotta be kidding me.
- Ah [screams]
- Yo, Derica! Check it
- Ah!
- Please don't kill me!
Dude, chill. It's me, Benny.
[gasps] Benny?
[gasps] Bitch, is that muscle?
Why work out
when you can just contour?
This is contouring?
Turns out contouring is just
a series of Nike swooshes.
I call it "Swoosh Technique."
Now that you're famous, you can
share my gift with the world.
I don't know, Benny.
Shit is problematic.
We just shot a commercial
with Quentin Tarantino
Did he make a bunch of
white people say the N-word
and then
he called it "artistry"?
I don't think so?
Benny, everyone in charge
was white,
but all the extras were
black and brown.
Ooh. That's that sneaky racism.
Yeah, I didn't even
see it coming.
Aleesia made me the "face"
of Girlbossier,
and gave me the clout score
of my dreams!
Ugh
Uh. No, I gotta say something.
Aleesia loved me this morning
because I spoke my truth.
Yeah, everybody loves "Truth."
That's what I named
this itchy-ass bronzer.
Yes, Benny!
Truth is power
even when it's uncomfortable.
- Come on!
- Whoa!
Ah
That was incredible.
More than incredible.
I'm just glad I hooked Weston
up with FaceScanTern.
He watches so many
cologne un-boxings,
I wasn't sure it'd work.
Wait, FaceScanTern was you?
Well, I-I had to say goodbye.
At sunrise tomorrow,
I'm being wiped.
What do you mean?
They're stripping my code
down to a basic bitch AI.
I-I didn't tell you because
I didn't want to ruin today.
So you manipulated me? Again?
You created this whole ruse
to trick me
into saving your ass,
didn't you?
No! Today was real! I promise!
Real?! As real as
these phony-ass goggles.
No, no, Truman, don't!
Fuck this juice.
[panting]
[gasps]
Dareeca, what are
you doing here?
Old-ass white men.
Damn it, I should've known.
Yo, that shoot was fucked up!
Yeah, dog.
Sneaky racism is still racism.
Your diversity summit
is tonight,
but the more I look around,
the more I realize
I'm the only bitch
with melanin around here.
This room is drowning
in cis white men.
[clearing throat] Well,
that's what Mr. Turt is for.
Oh, come on!
The turtle's not even female!
We're on track
to be diverse by 2079.
For now, we've got you.
Eat my dick!
Well, that's not
very Dareeca of you.
Come on.
You know you love
your new life.
You can't do tonight without me.
Oh, we can't?
- [gasps]
- She's very excited
to speak tonight.
- Isn't that right, Dareeca?
- Hey, y'all,
I'm Dareeca,
the Afro-Latina!
[line ringing]
Hey, Tru! What's up?
Dale! I need advice and
nobody else picked up. I
Bro, you good?
Yeah. I can't get
into the deets right now,
it's a long short story.
You're right, I don't care.
Anyway, I met this girl
at my internship today,
and I'm trippin' hard, bruh.
Like, emotionally trippin'.
We had this amazing date.
It felt like a dream.
A musical number
and everything.
Musical number? I mean,
if that's not love
Dale-Dawg.
Just wanted to check in
on your tummers Hey!
- What the
- Ah!
And then we kissed.
A TruBoy becomes a TruMan.
- [Dale yelping]
- Problem is, she
low-key trapped me into
spending the day with her
because she's, uh, getting
on a plane and leaving forever.
[panting]
She must really like you!
What? [laughs]
What do you mean?
It's like when Trini tricks me
into eating vegetables
by putting them
in the Slipper Cobbler.
She does it because she cares!
- Ah!
- [growls]
I'm gonna fucking kill you,
you little shit!
- [grunting]
- Surprise nap time!
- Yah!
- [screams]
I'm melting!
[Dale panting]
You're saying she tricked me
because she loves me?
Damn. That's real.
[panting] Get to
that airport, Truman!
Sup, girl.
Big Head? Oh! You came back!
Come on, Cerise. Let's get
your juicy ass outta here!
Dare to be you!
Dare to be different!
- Dare to be Dareeca!
- Aleesia?
Ugh, what is it?
Look, I'm sorry.
I did some thinking,
and diversity by 2079,
as far away as it is,
it's better than no plan at all.
Well, glad you came around.
We're all fighting
the same human battle.
Yup. All wars matter,
but I gotta pick my battles.
You've given me so much.
I can't let you down now.
Oh, stuff your sorry in a sack.
Now get out there
and show that teleprompter
who's boss ier.
[chuckles]
♪
Okay. You should be
in the mainframe.
Now, you see that folder that
says, "Do not save Cerise"?
All you have to do
is drag it to your phone.
It's working, girl!
Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
I jinxed it. I jinxed it.
Shit, shit, shit.
Damn it, damn it, come on.
- [alarm blaring]
- [gasps]
[Scarlett Johansson] Dare to
be Dareeca.
Dare to be div-HER-se.
Dare to be yo, yo, yo.
[Derica] Oh, I am honored
to be the woke face
of Girlbossier.
- [cheering]
- Thank you, thank you.
[laughs]
Because of women like them,
I've gotten to experience
just how lit
diversity can be.
[alarm blaring]
Wha
- [knocking on door]
- Ah.
Open up, little man.
Girlbossier dares
to be different
♪
which is why
CEO Aleesia Bennet
and our board of directors
have decided
it's time to put our money
where our mouth is.
Um, Devon,
is that on the prompter?
It's time for revolutionary
BIPOC initiatives,
'cause we ain't afraid
to be that bitch!
[cheering]
That's right, we're committing
to full racial equality
in our employees
- [gasps, growls]
- 70% black- and brown-owned manufacturers,
and, just to be extra,
Tamale Tuesdays
and a four-day work week.
[wild cheering]
Where the hell is my Xanax?!
This Karen's about to detonate!
Kaboom, bitch!
And I could not have done this
without Girlbossier CEO,
- my mentor, my sis
- [yells]
- my best friend
- No!
- Aleesia Bennet!
- [yells, sobs, breathes]
[cheering, applauding]
[whispering]
It's over for you.
Hologram Dareeca is
the future of Girlbossier.
You're right, Aleesia.
I mean, how can
just one face rep
all your beautiful, real,
Girlbossier faces?
I can't!
Which is why I,
and my image,
- are retiring
- [audience gasps]
to go back to school
and finish the seventh grade.
- [cheering]
- Bitch, I love education.
[cheering continues]
Hey! You will never be
a Girlbossier, Dareeca.
The irony is,
I already am a Girlbossier.
And it's Der-i-ca,
you bitch.
[Derica] why I,
and my image,
are retiring
[clears throat]
W-well, uh, you heard the girl,
and I'm sure the entire
Internet will, too.
Would hate to get
cancelled again.
Better just, like,
do all the stuff she said.
I'm going to
the bathroom now, to
drain my white penis.
Oh, and I need six
of y'all fools to quit
by the time I'm back.
Also, I quit.
[door closes]
- [screaming]
- [phone ringing]
[whimpering]
[yells]
- [faucet squeaks]
- [water runs]
Ha-ha!
[grunting]
[alarm blaring]
It's not worth the squeeze.
You can meet a real girl.
You are a real girl.
My real girl
- [pounding on door]
- Ah!
Sick 'em, juice boys.
Cerise!
No!
[school bell rings]
Benny, Brian was evil.
Dale, I mean this
in the nicest way:
man, I fuckin' told your ass!
Can we go? I'm not trying
to be late to Honors Beef.
[phone ringing]
[Truman] Huh?
- Hello?
- [Cerise] Truman.
Cerise? B Where are you?
I'm in your phone.
Hey, Big Head.
[gasps] It worked!
The block is hot ♪
♪
The block is hot ♪
♪
The block is hot ♪
♪
The block is hot ♪
Chirp.
- [Dale] Aw
[Truman] Hell yeah.
- No fucking way.
- Fairfax Career Day.
I was always just planning
on inheriting Oy Vape,
but wellness and crystals,
now that's a combo
you just can't ignore.
- Sky's the limit, bruh!
- [Truman] Ooh.
Like, obviously, I'm down
to get my Mark Cuban on
in the NBA,
but I also see a world
where I'm making beats
in my mama's basement!
Wait. You guys see
Off-Brian needs an intern?
Ooh, my vision board
is coming to life
right before my very eyes.
- Oh, hell yeah!
- Nice.
Man, y'all are tripping.
Off-Brian's fuckin' goon squad.
Homeboy's making fits
out of trash.
Holy shit!
Girlbossier?
Yo, working for them
could be a forever mood.
What's a Girlbossier?
Hah! Only the most progressive
female-run company of all time.
They use feminism to slay
the patriarchal beauty industry.
I would eat a Wagyu bone-in
rib eye for that internship.
Welcome to Career Day, Fairfax!
So, to prepare you
for the real world
on the Internet, y'all are
getting your first internships.
[excited exclaiming]
Now, if everyone'll
check their phones,
I've sent y'all an app
called FaceScanTern.
When I say so,
fire that ish up
and the facial
recognition software
I took out
a second mortgage for
will assign your ass
to a company.
It's goin' down for real in
three two one
scan!
Yes!
I'm triggered.
The fuck?
Holy cow.
Off-Brian?
I'm that bitch!
Oh ♪
- Waitin' for the ♪
- Drop ♪
- Waitin' for ♪
- The drop ♪
- Waitin' for the ♪
- Oh ♪
Waitin' for the ♪
- [Femme: "What You Gonna Do"]
- What you gonna do when the fund runs dry? ♪
What you gonna do
when the fund runs dry ♪
- And the money runs out
- [gasps, squeals]
- ♪
- [laughter, chatter]
[whoops]
[Derica gasps]
OMG! Dope and tasteful?
That's, like,
the hardest combo to pull off.
How the fuck did I end up
at a makeup company?
What am I, my mom?
My sister?
My other sister?!
- [elevator bell dings]
- [gasps]
[Benny] Who the shit is that?
Aleesia Bennet.
CEO and founder of Girlbossier.
She's like
if Kate Middleton, AOC,
and the moon were one person.
You must be our strong,
independent interns
from Fairfax Middle School.
Shit yes, we are!
Derica? You'll be helping us
in the mail room!
Oh, yay, mail room.
And Benny?
You'll be working in
our test kitchen!
Thank God. I'm starving.
Starving to change the world.
[Jarl] Welcome to the house
that juice built.
Here's your cubicle.
So what you're going to do is
Let me guess. Uh, input
this shit into that shit?
Perfect. Just like
my biological children,
you barely need me.
Huh?
"Truman Clark, please report
to the AR/VR room fo" What?
Orienta Homie didn't say
anything about orientation.
Bye, Mom! Love you!
[exhales] Okay.
This is it, Dale.
This is your chance to prove to
the gang gang once and for all
that you can
serve lewks, too.
Ah!
Dale? Golden Dorito Dale?
Bri-Dawg! Hey, pal.
You're my intern?
Aw, the motherfucking chances!
Come on in,
ya fuckin' fart cupper.
Yo, was that your mom?
Man, she is hot.
♪
Welcome to the lab.
I heard Dr. Dre call
his house that once.
Hey, you got time for a tour?
Of course you do,
you're my fuckin' intern.
Huh?
Save yourself.
Ah!
♪
Welcome to our test kitchen,
where every single Girlbossier
product is naturally birthed.
I'm Kellen.
You must be the new intern.
Uh Benny.
Ooh, that's so urban.
[laughs]
- I love it. Ah!
- Ah! What?
They finally sent us
the Korean cheek structure
we've been begging for.
Are these implants?
Excuse me?
I would never Cardi-butt
this face.
[laughs] Okay, Mr. Feisty.
If I could just
Ey, ey, ey, yo!
I'm cis male as hell!
[grunting]
Even the cis can
be beautiful, darling.
[gasps]
Holy Benicio Del Toro.
I'm gorgeous.
Teach me your ways.
- [humming]
- That's it.
And anything for the C-suites
gets hand-delivered ASAP.
Mm-hmm, got it! And when do I
get my one-on-one with Aleesia?
One-on-one with Aleesia?
Girl! [laughing]
- [Derica] Ugh.
- [continues laughing]
Ah-ha.
Derica,
you stupid brilliant bitch.
Ey, hold up
Wait. Okay, Welch's!
This shit clean.
"Augmented reality orientation"?
Damn, Welch's extra as fuck.
Oh, shit.
Wait, this is actually
kind of tight.
"Welcome to Welch's Jams &
Juices Logistics Orientation."
Yup, Daddy's gonna
stretch this one out.
What?
Hey, Big Head.
Cerise?!
[dings]
Oh. My. God.
Hello? Ms. Bennet?
Ugh! Have you ever seen
more boring faces?
God. It's like,
how many versions
of Emma Stone
does the world need?
Ugh. If only Timothée Chalamet
had a vagina.
Mm, I'd hit that.
Time out.
Now time in again.
Who are you?
I'm Derica Stratton-Torres
and I fucking love you.
Professionally.
I want to be a world-changing
Girl Boss just like you.
Huh. Do you, now?
Yes, bitch!
I mean, yes,
Ms. Bennet bitch.
[gasps] So raw.
So unafraid of authoritay.
[laughs] What, you think I got
this temporary tattoo of Malala
because she listens
to authoritay?
Game recognize game, gal.
Pouring a little one out
for my girl RBG.
[shrieks]
[chuckles] Let's just say
I signed hers,
she signed mine.
Derica, you are yes.
Hah! I know, right?
Yes to the yas to the yas!
Jesus F. Christ, finally.
Brooks? Brooks, I found her.
I found the new face
of Girlbossier.
Uh-uh. No.
Hell nah, I'm not playing
this game again.
You traumatized my ass
back at Chernobyl Fest.
And I haven't been able
to drink a J-word since!
Truman. This is different.
You have to believe me.
Believe you?
I believed you when you were
the woman of my dreams.
Then you turned out to be
a crusty-ass,
middle-aged white guy.
Chet and Denise played me,
too.
But I killed them.
- [giggles]
- The fuck?!
JK! Ha-ha-ha!
They discontinued
the marketing campaign
after you found them.
I've been stuck
here ever since,
in computer purgatory.
But I'm my own woman now,
and I want to make it up
to you.
Let me take you
on the first date we never had.
[heart pounding]
Take my hand, snack boi.
Whoa.
[birds singing]
It feels so real.
- I hope you're thirsty.
- Wait, wha
- [screams]
- [whoops]
[B-Boy Attitude feat. Alaina
Cross: "Boom (Light It Up)"]
Boom, boom, boom ♪
Boom, boom,
boom ♪
Boom, boom, boom ♪
Boom, boom,
boom ♪
You, you,
you want to know me ♪
You want to come see,
take it to the streets ♪
Like win, lose,
I'm making a scene ♪
Bust up the backseat ♪
- I'm dumping what he like ♪
- [gasping]
You don't even know
what I'm 'bout to do ♪
Lookin' down from space
kind of point of view ♪
- [gasps]
- Oh, I just feel different, never hit a limit ♪
- [squeals]
- Yeah, you better move ♪
'Cause I'm coming through ♪
- Light it, light it ♪
- Up, up ♪
L-L-Light it up like ♪
Boom, boom, boom ♪
Boom, boom,
boom ♪
- Light it up like ♪
- Boom, boom, boom ♪
Light it up, light it up,
light it up like ♪
Boom, boom, boom ♪
- Boom, boom, boom ♪
- Light it up like ♪
- Boom, boom, boom
- Hey, mine!
Man, get your own
damn lip kit!
- Mine, mine, mine!
- [cheering]
Boom, boom, boom ♪
- Light it up like
- [gasps, shrieks]
[Derica laughing]
Light it up, light it up
May I present
- the grand finale
- [gasps]
[cheering]
OMG, AOC.
Don't you love it, Dareeca?
Yeah! Uh, and by the way,
I've been meaning to tell you,
it's actually Der-i-ca.
[chuckles]
Oh, God, I love
how outspoken you are,
but we did some focus groups
and "Dareeca"
really makes your
Afro-Latinaness shine.
Right. Yes.
Representation is important.
- [chuckles]
- Said like a true Girl Boss
changing the effing world!
Oh, look at them
literally looking up to you.
Is it, I don't know,
maybe because
your new makeup line is
officially sold out?!
[gasps] Eat your butt out,
Kylie Jenner!
Uh-huh, uh-huh, okay!
Ooh, ah, ah-ah!
[birds singing]
Who cares if Terry and Brianna
lost their marital bedroom?
[singsongy]
Bri-Bri needs a new office.
It's cool their bed
is your desk.
God knows they weren't using it
for anything as sexy
as my ideas.
Look at you workin' the brand.
I'm loving the armpit holes.
Sire, your midday keto shake.
[coughs]
Was there 'nana in there?
You know I'm a "never 'nana!"
And look: now
you've made Dale sick!
- I-I-I'm so sorry, sir! I-I-I
- Clean it.
Oh, no, no, no, no,
it's okay, it's okay.
I was gagging at
something else.
Bri-Bri, I have Dolce on line
one. 911 fashion emergency.
Says he's had it up to here
with Gabbana.
Ugh, fine.
[grunts] Be a doll and
show Dale his workspace.
Whoa. I get to do actual work?
This is such a big deal.
Yeah, it's a big deal
for everyone.
Brian is such a genius,
it's terrifying.
So you can't blame him for
chloroforming insubordinates.
- Chloro-what-ing?
- You know, sleep juice.
Uh
Even I deserve
to get 'formed sometimes.
And who doesn't love
a surprise nap?
I don't know, I like
to see a nap coming.
So, Brian says you're
[nasally] "the only living
person who understands him,"
and seeing as you're the one
who inspired him
to start Off-Brian,
he wants you
to paint his portrait.
Paint? Oh, no, I-I can
barely write cursive.
- [heavy thud]
- [glass shatters]
[singsongy] Uh-oh,
somebody got 'formed!
Ah
- Who's on deck
- [Benny] This one. Oh.
This one [muttering]
Pretty, pretty,
grab yourself ♪
Get it, you're worth it
Bam!
He has the gift.
This ain't no scheme ♪
It's just a dream ♪
Like John and Chrissy ♪
Girl, you my missy ♪
He my prince ♪
He make me wince ♪
In that good way ♪
You know that good way ♪
Boy, you nasty ♪
Keep it classy ♪
She fine as hell ♪
The way she smell ♪
We slow it down,
he flip my frown ♪
She make me 'motional ♪
Just like the ocean-al ♪
That's right, I'm wavy ♪
And he my baby ♪
Chernobyl Fest? ♪
Girl, you da best ♪
Wait, what is this? ♪
It's our first kiss ♪
[moaning]
Mm.
[indistinct chatter]
My love! My light! My girl!
How lit are you to star
in Girlbossier's first
Super Bowl commercial?
Oh, litter than
a Yung Polluter trash fire.
It's about time we make the
right to assemble mainstream.
Right? My crystals said
it's gonna to be a-maze.
And we'll get to see
a rough cut
at Girlbossier's first ever
Div-HER-sity Summit, tonight.
Yes, hell yeah.
I know exactly
what to write on this.
Wait, what rhymes with
"peg the patriarchy"?
Honey, no.
We do all that in post.
Who knows what message
will be important
on Super Bowl Sunday?
Mm, I guess righteous today
could be cancellable tomorrow.
[laughs] You're hilarious!
Dareeca, baby.
Okay, okay, okay,
so, so we-we've just seen you
march from uh, LAX Airport
to the ghetto of um, uh,
of Downtown L.A.
Okay, here we go.
Okay? And-and action.
- [clapper clacks]
- [chanting] No mascara, no peace!
No gloss, no peace!
No mascara, no peace!
Dare to be you!
Dare to be different!
Dare to be Dareeca!
Thank you, all right,
cut, cut, cut.
Ah, l-l-let's do it again.
Extras, gimme more soul, baby,
- give me more soul, okay.
- Soul?
Uh, Dareeca,
let's lose the glasses.
They're giving her
dead eyes, okay?
[winces] Ooh, goddamn.
Loving no glasses.
Oh, now,
now you look like your people.
My "people"?
Oh
Fuck.
And action!
[slow motion] No Dareeca
no peace
All right, cue-cue the
Scarlett Johansson voiceover.
[Scarlett Johansson] Girlbossier
is Div-HER-sity.
That's a wrap.
We got it, infants.
Ah, no.
Oh, what's up, Dalé?
Hey, split a claw
with me, brah.
Yo, is that my portrait?
Let me see it, playboi.
Oh, you don't want to see this.
It's just the first draft
so, w-w-when you're
looking at it, just
- Fucking brilliant.
- Really?
I mean, this could be
at the Tate Modern.
You really see me,
Dale-Dawg.
I already owe you for
inspiring me to leave Hiroki
- and now this?
- Hiroki?
- Oh, ̧ forget about that guy.
- Right?
Fuck that guy.
Fuckin' bully.
Man, you are validating
my trauma.
Yeah! You know, it's almost
kind of like Hiroki was
oh, geez, I don't know
chloroforming your soul?
Dale are you implying
that there's something wrong
with me 'forming my employees?
Oh, no, it's just
- Uh
- [snoring]
In Scouts, we learned
it's important
to value your troop.
A-And your employees are
kinda like your troop.
Nah mean?
JK.
Total J.K. Rowling moment.
You are the troop.
You are the star
of the painting, my man.
Wow.
That's fucking deep, my dude.
Ooh, geez,
I'm not feeling so good.
- I think the old lobster intolerance is acting up.
- Been there, brah.
- Go ahead and use the master bathroom.
- Uh
Oh, that looks good.
Oh, you gotta be kidding me.
- Ah [screams]
- Yo, Derica! Check it
- Ah!
- Please don't kill me!
Dude, chill. It's me, Benny.
[gasps] Benny?
[gasps] Bitch, is that muscle?
Why work out
when you can just contour?
This is contouring?
Turns out contouring is just
a series of Nike swooshes.
I call it "Swoosh Technique."
Now that you're famous, you can
share my gift with the world.
I don't know, Benny.
Shit is problematic.
We just shot a commercial
with Quentin Tarantino
Did he make a bunch of
white people say the N-word
and then
he called it "artistry"?
I don't think so?
Benny, everyone in charge
was white,
but all the extras were
black and brown.
Ooh. That's that sneaky racism.
Yeah, I didn't even
see it coming.
Aleesia made me the "face"
of Girlbossier,
and gave me the clout score
of my dreams!
Ugh
Uh. No, I gotta say something.
Aleesia loved me this morning
because I spoke my truth.
Yeah, everybody loves "Truth."
That's what I named
this itchy-ass bronzer.
Yes, Benny!
Truth is power
even when it's uncomfortable.
- Come on!
- Whoa!
Ah
That was incredible.
More than incredible.
I'm just glad I hooked Weston
up with FaceScanTern.
He watches so many
cologne un-boxings,
I wasn't sure it'd work.
Wait, FaceScanTern was you?
Well, I-I had to say goodbye.
At sunrise tomorrow,
I'm being wiped.
What do you mean?
They're stripping my code
down to a basic bitch AI.
I-I didn't tell you because
I didn't want to ruin today.
So you manipulated me? Again?
You created this whole ruse
to trick me
into saving your ass,
didn't you?
No! Today was real! I promise!
Real?! As real as
these phony-ass goggles.
No, no, Truman, don't!
Fuck this juice.
[panting]
[gasps]
Dareeca, what are
you doing here?
Old-ass white men.
Damn it, I should've known.
Yo, that shoot was fucked up!
Yeah, dog.
Sneaky racism is still racism.
Your diversity summit
is tonight,
but the more I look around,
the more I realize
I'm the only bitch
with melanin around here.
This room is drowning
in cis white men.
[clearing throat] Well,
that's what Mr. Turt is for.
Oh, come on!
The turtle's not even female!
We're on track
to be diverse by 2079.
For now, we've got you.
Eat my dick!
Well, that's not
very Dareeca of you.
Come on.
You know you love
your new life.
You can't do tonight without me.
Oh, we can't?
- [gasps]
- She's very excited
to speak tonight.
- Isn't that right, Dareeca?
- Hey, y'all,
I'm Dareeca,
the Afro-Latina!
[line ringing]
Hey, Tru! What's up?
Dale! I need advice and
nobody else picked up. I
Bro, you good?
Yeah. I can't get
into the deets right now,
it's a long short story.
You're right, I don't care.
Anyway, I met this girl
at my internship today,
and I'm trippin' hard, bruh.
Like, emotionally trippin'.
We had this amazing date.
It felt like a dream.
A musical number
and everything.
Musical number? I mean,
if that's not love
Dale-Dawg.
Just wanted to check in
on your tummers Hey!
- What the
- Ah!
And then we kissed.
A TruBoy becomes a TruMan.
- [Dale yelping]
- Problem is, she
low-key trapped me into
spending the day with her
because she's, uh, getting
on a plane and leaving forever.
[panting]
She must really like you!
What? [laughs]
What do you mean?
It's like when Trini tricks me
into eating vegetables
by putting them
in the Slipper Cobbler.
She does it because she cares!
- Ah!
- [growls]
I'm gonna fucking kill you,
you little shit!
- [grunting]
- Surprise nap time!
- Yah!
- [screams]
I'm melting!
[Dale panting]
You're saying she tricked me
because she loves me?
Damn. That's real.
[panting] Get to
that airport, Truman!
Sup, girl.
Big Head? Oh! You came back!
Come on, Cerise. Let's get
your juicy ass outta here!
Dare to be you!
Dare to be different!
- Dare to be Dareeca!
- Aleesia?
Ugh, what is it?
Look, I'm sorry.
I did some thinking,
and diversity by 2079,
as far away as it is,
it's better than no plan at all.
Well, glad you came around.
We're all fighting
the same human battle.
Yup. All wars matter,
but I gotta pick my battles.
You've given me so much.
I can't let you down now.
Oh, stuff your sorry in a sack.
Now get out there
and show that teleprompter
who's boss ier.
[chuckles]
♪
Okay. You should be
in the mainframe.
Now, you see that folder that
says, "Do not save Cerise"?
All you have to do
is drag it to your phone.
It's working, girl!
Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
I jinxed it. I jinxed it.
Shit, shit, shit.
Damn it, damn it, come on.
- [alarm blaring]
- [gasps]
[Scarlett Johansson] Dare to
be Dareeca.
Dare to be div-HER-se.
Dare to be yo, yo, yo.
[Derica] Oh, I am honored
to be the woke face
of Girlbossier.
- [cheering]
- Thank you, thank you.
[laughs]
Because of women like them,
I've gotten to experience
just how lit
diversity can be.
[alarm blaring]
Wha
- [knocking on door]
- Ah.
Open up, little man.
Girlbossier dares
to be different
♪
which is why
CEO Aleesia Bennet
and our board of directors
have decided
it's time to put our money
where our mouth is.
Um, Devon,
is that on the prompter?
It's time for revolutionary
BIPOC initiatives,
'cause we ain't afraid
to be that bitch!
[cheering]
That's right, we're committing
to full racial equality
in our employees
- [gasps, growls]
- 70% black- and brown-owned manufacturers,
and, just to be extra,
Tamale Tuesdays
and a four-day work week.
[wild cheering]
Where the hell is my Xanax?!
This Karen's about to detonate!
Kaboom, bitch!
And I could not have done this
without Girlbossier CEO,
- my mentor, my sis
- [yells]
- my best friend
- No!
- Aleesia Bennet!
- [yells, sobs, breathes]
[cheering, applauding]
[whispering]
It's over for you.
Hologram Dareeca is
the future of Girlbossier.
You're right, Aleesia.
I mean, how can
just one face rep
all your beautiful, real,
Girlbossier faces?
I can't!
Which is why I,
and my image,
- are retiring
- [audience gasps]
to go back to school
and finish the seventh grade.
- [cheering]
- Bitch, I love education.
[cheering continues]
Hey! You will never be
a Girlbossier, Dareeca.
The irony is,
I already am a Girlbossier.
And it's Der-i-ca,
you bitch.
[Derica] why I,
and my image,
are retiring
[clears throat]
W-well, uh, you heard the girl,
and I'm sure the entire
Internet will, too.
Would hate to get
cancelled again.
Better just, like,
do all the stuff she said.
I'm going to
the bathroom now, to
drain my white penis.
Oh, and I need six
of y'all fools to quit
by the time I'm back.
Also, I quit.
[door closes]
- [screaming]
- [phone ringing]
[whimpering]
[yells]
- [faucet squeaks]
- [water runs]
Ha-ha!
[grunting]
[alarm blaring]
It's not worth the squeeze.
You can meet a real girl.
You are a real girl.
My real girl
- [pounding on door]
- Ah!
Sick 'em, juice boys.
Cerise!
No!
[school bell rings]
Benny, Brian was evil.
Dale, I mean this
in the nicest way:
man, I fuckin' told your ass!
Can we go? I'm not trying
to be late to Honors Beef.
[phone ringing]
[Truman] Huh?
- Hello?
- [Cerise] Truman.
Cerise? B Where are you?
I'm in your phone.
Hey, Big Head.
[gasps] It worked!
The block is hot ♪
♪
The block is hot ♪
♪
The block is hot ♪
♪
The block is hot ♪
Chirp.