Felicity s02e04 Episode Script

Previously on "Felicity" - Hi.
- Hi.
Hi! Hey.
Noel's gonna give me a walking tour of Bleecker Street.
- Shall we? - Yeah.
I should have come to you and I should've told you something up front.
No.
That would've been hard.
How do you tell somebody that you're trying to steal their boyfriend? I am so sorry.
I really don't care what the hell you are.
You can be sorry or not.
You 're just a lying bitch.
Come in.
Hey, Carl.
Hi.
Hey, that's a, really good eye.
Oh, thanks.
This assignment's freaking me out.
I've been staring at my eye so long it doesn't even feel like it's part of me anymore, just like this freaky, wet, pulsating ball stuck in my head.
I know the feeling.
Do you need something? Yes.
It's Chuck, my roommate Chuck.
A friend of his called, Larry.
But the answering machine didn't turn off, so it recorded his conversation, and so I listened to it.
So you overheard Chuck's conversation with Larry? Exactly.
You really understand me.
So he said all this stuff about me, on the phone.
Like what? I don't know, like, how I don't shower very often, or, or wash my clothes with detergent, that I eat my hair! - Things that aren't true? - No, see, they're totally true.
Hey there.
You 're weird.
You see that? I'm getting this reputation which so pisses me off! Now I'm just super pissed off and I don't know how exactly to channel my anger.
Ok, just relax.
It doesn't matter what anyone says about you.
It is so classic you just said those words.
- Why? - Nothing.
I knew you'd say don't retaliate.
I think that's partially why I came to see you.
You know I really respect you.
Oh, thanks.
That's, really nice.
What do you mean, "so classic" l used those words? I just came from Epstein-Barr where your little friend Julie was performing, I'm going to sit him down and say, "Chuck, you 're a dick, Chuck.
" What about Julie? God, it is so infuriating the way you bait me like this.
Let's just say that until tonight, I never realized that Julie overheard you and Ben conspiring to take that road trip.
- You talked to Julie? - No, I just listened to her performance.
I could just say to Chuck, "If you got a problem with me, let's talk it out.
" Are you saying that Julie played a song about me? The only way people knew it was about you is that the song was called "Felicity.
" - Shut up! - Ok.
Maybe you 're right.
Reacting rationally and calmly, could be like a new credo for me.
- How did the song go? - I don't remember the whole thing.
Oh.
Yes.
I do.
Um, there was stuff about how, you two started off as friends, how you found out Julie liked Ben, how she sacrificed her happiness for you, and how you 're the worst person in the world.
- The worst person in the world? - I'm paraphrasing.
- So, Felicity, I'm gonna go, - Are you making this up? And there was something about your hair.
Um, "An Astor Place trim, and she thinks she's Joan of Arc, " Oh, God, I don't remember the rhyme, Something, something, "slut of Washington Square Park", "Slut of Washington Square Park.
" - Felicity? - It had a good melody.
- That is so rude.
- She played it twice.
I'm gonna kill her.
- Maybe I should just beat my roommate up.
- Yeah.
Go ahead.
Kick his ass.
You know, I think you 're a better R.
A.
than Felicity.
So do I.
Get out.
Dear Sally, Julie is now performing songs about me.
Can you believe that? Apparently about how evil I am.
I am so mad right now.
I don't mean this literally I would never actually do this but I want to punch Julie in the face.
- Oh, hey! - Is Julie here? Uh.
No.
I don't know where she is.
Hey, you want to come in and try a brand-new condiment? No.
No, thanks.
Can you just tell her that I stopped by and I really want to talk to her? Tell her it's an emergency.
Oh, you heard about the song, didn't you? Sean knew about the song! They live together.
That's not the point.
Julie's playing this mean song about me as entertainment.
You haven't even heard it.
You don't know how cruel it is.
It's obviously cruel enough that Sean would assume the song is why I was so upset.
I mean, I can't believe her! I have called her.
I have tried to talk to her when I've seen her, - you know, making real overtures.
- I've never seen you like this.
How would you feel if you found out I was singing mean songs about you in public? I'd feel pity for the public.
You have a horrible singing voice.
In third grade, this girl wrote a poem about me.
She xeroxed it and passed it out.
It was called "Stinky Girl.
" I remember it word for word.
You want to hear it? - No, thanks.
- See that? 11 years later, and you still remember the poem.
Things like this are traumatic.
All right, look.
You and Julie will make up.
I mean, if you and I can start to reconcile, anyone can.
It's different between us.
I mean, Julie and I were never the friends that you and I are.
Were.
Whatever.
Really? What, what time is it? Uh, 10:36.
I'm late.
I'm so jealous you guys have your own apartment.
- You don't like living with Meghan? - Oh, no, I love it.
This way I never have to see "The Rocky Horror Picture Show.
" - Are we still going to The Modern? - Oh, you guys are going to the museum? Yeah, this is what life after premed is like.
Yeah, I, uh, I invited Ruby, if that's ok.
Oh, yeah.
Hey, of course.
- Uh, how are you guys? - How are we? Uh, Fine.
It's, it's not like we're dating or anything.
- No, I know.
- You know? - Why? Did she say something to you? - No.
I mean, uh, nothing.
But my, uh, class is over at 1:00, so - how about 2:00? - Yeah.
2:00.
The Modern.
- Ok.
Think of me.
I'll be examining cyclohexane confirmations.
I don't feel sorry for you.
Which is so annoying.
- Ok, so I'll see you at the museum.
- Ok.
2:00.
Bye.
* Stinky girl, stinky girl, * I said I didn't want to hear it.
Mrs.
Sherman, my drawing teacher assigned us to look at a photography show at The Modern.
So I was on my way there to meet Noel, and apparently Ruby.
For some reason, which of course turned out later to be the world's biggest irony, I was thinking just then how amazing the subway system is how reliable.
how perfect.
I don't know how but I just knew when Julie got on that this ride on the subway, was going to be far from perfect.
Hi.
I need 125 brownies by Can I handle that you really enjoy brownies, um, I'm a caterer.
I'm feeding a CD release party tonight and my baker's had an aneurysm.
Can you deliver the brownies or am I wasting my time here? My manager's downstairs.
Let me go call him.
- Uh, I'm sorry, was that, uh, - 125 brownies, yes.
Javier? Yeah.
It's Ben.
I'm upstairs.
Yeah, so listen, someone needs 125 brownies by 5:00.
I don't know.
Some.
Uh.
Some party or something.
I don't know.
She's a caterer.
Blond hair, Javier.
Come up if you want to see her.
Yeah? You sure? All right, all right.
You, uh, you got your brownies.
Great.
Here, and run it through quickly.
I'm on a schedule.
Yes, ma'am.
Ok, ladies and gentlemen, I am not selling these items for charity.
None of the items you purchase from me are tax deductible, just quality product at a quantity price, ok? I've got yo-yos, slinkys, sunglasses, sewing kits.
Watches.
Flashlights.
Batteries, umbrellas, 5 bucks.
Did you get the message that I stopped by? Yep.
That was last night.
Were you, - were you goin to call me? - No.
Is this seriously the way, you'r always going to talk to me? Yep.
Fine.
At that moment, the only comforting thing, was knowing that I only had 4 stops to go, before I was no longer in the same subway car, as Julie Emrick.
Singer of evil songs.
Please remain calm, The only 2 words I could make out, were "remain" and "calm", which I definitely would not have done if I understood what was about to happen.
That, that turned out to be the weirdest day of my life.
Excuse me, I just moved to New York on Thursday.
Is it normal for the subway to stop like this? Ladies and gentlemen, I'm here to announce to you a very, very special going-nowhere promotion.
Everything has been reduced to $4.
00.
$4.
00! That's 1/5 off.
Because I'm thinkin' this might be sarin, gas, poisonous gas.
That happened in Japan.
The only thing that saved lives is that the people ran.
On the track.
They got off the train and ran.
We are all so conditioned to be polite, not to seem crazy.
Ah, just being passive like this could kill us! Ok, I got yo-yos over here.
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
I got exactly what you need.
You play the guitar? - Yeah.
- Yeah? Well, you ain't never gonna be the female Bob Dylan unless you pick up one of these bad boys.
That's nice, but no, thank you.
Sweetheart, I'm not going to sell you this one.
I got others, all nice and wrapped in plastic for you.
That's ok.
You go up there to the real world to buy one of these things, it's gonna cost you No.
Thank you.
You 're going to pass up a 60% savings? Hey.
She doesn't want the harmonica.
Ok? Ok.
Yeah.
Excuse me.
But I was engaged in a dialogue with this nice young lady.
First of all, I don't know how nice she is and secondly, you 're annoying her.
Hey, ok, serious.
I'm sorry.
Sorry if I was overbearing.
It's fine.
Ok.
I'll scoot.
You didn't have to do that.
Look, I heard about your song.
- What song? - You know what song, and I think you can understand why I'm so upset.
I mean, you writing and performing a song about what a monster I am? - You haven't even heard it.
- I got a pretty good idea.
Actually, you have no idea and that's how I deal with my anger is through my music.
Oh, so this is you after, you've dealt with your anger? She said 2:00.
right? Yeah, yeah.
2:00.
Um, - I hope she's ok.
- I'm sure she's fine.
Yeah.
- I like your watch.
- Oh, thank you.
It's a new G-Shock I got off the Internet.
Wow! So you 're like a real geek.
Yes, I, I am.
I'm real, I'm really embarrassed right now.
No, don't be embarrassed.
Now you 're being whatever your version of nice is.
No, I mean it.
I'm telling you, guys with smooth hands.
What? There's a whole theory about it.
The connection between the roughness of a man's hands, and his place in the modern world.
See, thousands of years ago, the most successful men, the real leaders, had the roughest hands.
And the weakest, most inadequate men, had the smoothest.
So, I guess over the years, that statistic, that measurement, has switched entirely.
You can have your hand back.
Thank you.
well, maybe we should go, uh, you know, just check out the show.
Yeah.
Felicity will find us inside.
Yeah.
Listen, Julie.
I am sorry about everything that happened, and I don't, I don't blame you for being mad, or working it out through your music, but performing that song at a club, where our mutual friends hang out, I mean, that's like passive-aggressive or something.
No, it's not.
You 're right.
It's aggressive-aggressive.
I mean, it's one thing to feel those things, - It's another thing to publicize them.
- It's called free speech, and I didn't perform that song, so that you would come running to me.
I would just appreciate it, if you didn't advertise our history to everyone.
Why do you care so much? What do you feel so guilty about? Technical problems, my ass.
I just heard what happened.
We hit someone.
Oh.
God! Was it suicide? Did he get dragged under? You'd have to be really depressed, to step in front of a train.
- Who would do something like that? - It was probably just a friggin' mole.
A what? Yeah, you know, mole people.
That's what they call 'em, people who live under New York City.
Under? Oh, yeah.
There's a whole society down here.
You know.
I've heard stories.
Some people are chased down here.
Others, God knows why, choose to come.
He's right.
Diane Sawyer did a whole segment on that.
Hey, take a look outside.
What you call darkness, they call home.
We're foreigners down here where the mole people live.
It ain't right underneath the city.
It just ain't right.
Ok, how about, um, how about smoothaise? Smoothaise? Smoothaise is terrible.
Think about it, ok? I'm developing a condiment.
What if there was no such thing as mustard, and I said, "Ben, what do you think about mustard?" - Right? - Yeah.
All right.
Why don't you just, like, just read me what you got.
Ok.
Um, fat-tastic.
Fat-tastic?! Must-ooze, lard spread, wasabe gooze, - spice-o-rio? - That's pretty bad.
- Uh, zestrica? - No Um, and, smoothaise.
Well, yeah, I guess smoothaise isn't so bad.
I need cookies now too.
Oh, ok.
Well, uh, I need 25 each of chocolate chip, oatmeal raisin, and cinnamon.
And I need this delivered.
Do you understand that? Yeah, I did.
I'm just gonna have to go ask the manager-- Do it now, because I've got a half hour before-- Excuse me! You don't talk to people the way you do, especially when they're on their break, which I currently am, all right? This is me on my break.
You know, I don't mind helping you, through your little cookie crisis.
I don't mind that you 're freaking out, as long as you 're polite about it.
You know, I don't even care if I get fired over this.
And finally, Maggie, and I know that's your name, because, you know that's the name on the credit card, you shoved in my face last time you came in here, my name is Ben, and I'm a person, all right? Just, just like Sean here.
Sean.
Hi.
Well, um, Ben, I'd, uh, appreciate it, if you wouldn't mind finding out, if I could get 75 cookies by 5:00.
All right, I'll go check.
So what do you think of smoothaise? What? Smoothaise.
About what you said, I'm not guilty, I'm angry.
I've called you and tried to talk to you, and you won't.
Instead, I have to hear what you 're thinking through Meghan.
Look, I am sorry.
Julie, I'm sorry that I went with Ben.
What do you mean you 're sorry? I mean that, I know that I hurt you, and I hate that.
Would you do it again if you could? That was a pause.
That was a long pause, and that means yes, which I'm not surprised about.
If you and Ben were still dating, of course I wouldn't have gone.
Don't try and justify what you did.
- You knew how I felt, and you still went with him.
-Yeah.
after you went and told Noel what you'd heard.
Which was that you were going with Ben.
But we never decided that.
That's because I walked in on you, when you were about to kiss him, and I'm not going to forgive you for that.
The last thing I wanted to do was to hurt you.
No, I think the last thing you wanted to do, was do the right thing.
Sometimes the right thing isn't always an easy answer.
All right.
All right.
All right! Will you two shut the hell up?! I mean, I'm trying to sit here, give my best impersonation of a patient man.
Trying to think, what could be so wrong between you two, that you can't solve in 30 seconds? What, she, uh, she stole your boyfriend? What, she, she hurt your feelings? No.
No.
No.
Better yet, she borrowed your favorite jacket, and didn't ask for your permission? Open your eyes.
These aren't problems.
They're luxury items.
Do you know where I was going today? Here.
Trying to get a loan, so maybe me and my family could eat.
Shut your mouths, 'cause I'm tired of hearing about your frills, that you call trouble.
I know just what he's talking about.
I saw the show "Rent.
" Problems are relative.
A broken heart can be even more painful than a broken rib.
I have taken a pill, and am not entirely of my own mind, but, my sympathy lies with the girl in purple.
I think you were betrayed.
- What? - Thank you.
Well, you know, uh, I tell you what, neither one of you get my sympathy.
Uh, hi.
Judd Berman.
I'm an attorney.
Yeah, that was hard to spot.
And none of you, can pass judgment on these 2 girls, without all the facts.
What are you two so upset about? Well, I think we've got it pretty well taken care of-- She's mad because I wrote a song about her, and then I performed it in public.
Well, if this were an actual case, I mean, if I were bringing this dispute to trial, first thing I'd do is have you play the song for the jury.
Well, I would be incredibly interested in hearing the song.
Yeah, Julie, right? - Yeah.
- Play the song.
Yeah, fine.
Go ahead, play the song.
Ok.
This song is called "Felicity.
" So is that true? You stole her boyfriend? - No! - Of course it's true.
No, they were broken up! What?! Then what the hell, are you bitchin' about? Yes.
We had broken up, technically, but, like, the body wasn't even cold.
Does anybody else feel that spinning? It's a sad story.
Oh, ok, I'm trying to keep track of this.
And here is a line of questioning: Julie is it? Yeah.
Julie, ahem, - is it true you used to date Ben? - Yes.
And is it true that you blame Felicity here, for betraying your trust? - Yes, I do.
- I cannot believe this.
And unless I misinterpreted your song, - which had a wonderful melody, by the way.
- Thank you.
Objection! Leading the witness! Ha ha ha! I'm sorry.
Is it true you have since moved in with the same man? Yes.
So how is it that you could forgive him, but not your supposed best friend? That is a good question.
All right.
- 5 double cheeseburgers? - It's so disgusting.
Well, how did it happen? No, I'm not telling you this one, 'cause you might not ever speak to me again.
I might not anyway.
Yeah, that's true.
Ok, um, my friend Felix and I were going out, thinking we were, like, the coolest guys of all time, which we were.
- Of course.
- Of course, yes.
And, uh, we made a bet.
Whoever ate less for the night paid for the whole night.
Uh, so we were at Pepper's, which was this really cheap burger joint down in Boston, and we started pounding these burgers, just slamming them in, like, 1 burger, 2 burgers, 3, 4.
It was just, - so disgusting.
- Ooh, I don't want to hear how this ends.
No, you don't, but I'm going to tell you, all right? So we both finish our fifth burger, at exactly the same time, and we're both feeling so unbelievably sick.
I can't even explain it.
And I just assume we're calling it a draw, right? Right.
But then Felix picks up a french fry.
Mm-hmm.
Ha ha.
No.
Yeah, and he takes a bite.
Like, one bite.
Like, the winning bite.
And just the idea of it, I can't, I can't handle.
I couldn't handle it so I just, I threw up, Which of course made Felix throw up.
So there we are both, Eww! Projectile vomiting.
That's a horrible story.
Ha ha ha! I know.
Thank you.
So you want to go get a burger? What?! Or anything? Definitely not a burger.
All right? I don't know if it was cabin fever, or lack of oxygen, or if we just happened to be stuck, with the strangest strangers of all time, but it became like a free-for-all, my relationship with Julie being dissected, by people we didn't even know.
Wait, wait, wait.
Who's Ben again? The boy they both loved.
You idiot! Ok, damn! It was just a friggin' question.
Don't kill me.
So hold it.
You knew Felicity liked Ben, for, like, years, right? So? What's the surprise? No kidding she's going to go with him.
My point before was that I went back to my old friends, the friends that I had before college, and they're still my friends today.
Well, it's not exactly like that for me.
Why not? Because I had boyfriends, lots of them in high school.
But for reasons far too complicated and too big, for this subway car, I, um, didn't have a lot of friend-friends, - girlfriends.
- Oh.
Right.
You 're one of those guy-chicks, like a sex toy? - I don't even know your name! - Dennis.
And I didn't mean the sex toy like a judgment.
I dated girls like you.
I applaud you, baby.
Anyway, Felicity was my first real best friend, and then you can understand why I would be so surprised, that she did what she did.
Yeah.
Totally.
I can Can I say something? Before college.
I didn't have any girlfriends either.
And not just girlfriends, I'd never had a boyfriend before.
I was, like, a total basket case.
All right.
hold on.
If you two hate each other so much, then why are you guys traveling together? We're not traveling together.
We just happened to get on the same subway car.
I'm going to the museum.
Yeah, me, too.
That's weird.
Maybe there's a reason you found yourself, on the same train.
Maybe you two are the reason the train stopped.
Tell that to the dead guy on the tracks.
Well.
This is why we're all here, to help you two reunite.
Oh.
My God! The moles! The moles! It's moles! Damn.
he's right.
It looks like a safari or something.
Up close and personal, with the weirdest freaks on the planet.
I'll see you guys.
I caught you.
Hey! Uh, so what do you need now? Some muffins? No, I was at the loft, party's at this loft, and I was preparing for tonight, and it just really hit me, what a complete and total jerk I was to you, today.
Oh, it's fine.
It's fine.
We got over it.
Yeah, we did.
I like that.
Yeah.
I mean, what I mean is that, I like that you said what you did.
It was absolutely merited.
So why aren't you preparing for your big party? Because, I am here, inviting you to it.
A good friend of mine is throwing it.
It's one of the reasons I want it to go so well, why I'm so stressed out, you know.
But I'd like it if you could go.
From 9:00 on, come whenever, all right? I gotta get back, but, uh, I'd like to see you there, Ben.
This is really good.
Thank you.
Most of the stuff I do is on the computer.
Have you ever used, uh, After Effects? No.
For multi-media stuff, it's amazing.
But every now and then, uh, I like building actual 3-D models.
I'm getting my, uh, soft hands dirty.
You ever use Zap Glue? Zap Glue? Yeah, it's my favorite kind of glue.
So you, so you rate your glues? Yeah.
So what's so amazing about, uh, about Zap? It's, um, it's a 2-part glue.
Uh, that is pretty terrific.
No, you haven't heard the terrific part.
- Oh, ok.
- Ok.
You touch the 2 pieces that you want to bind, with the first part, - Uh-huh.
And then you add just a drop of the second part, and instantly, the, um, it's just, Oh, I crushed your great model.
- Yeah, that's ok.
I'll just use some of your glue, right? - Ok.
Do you watch the news? Look, people are living up there.
There's a lot of people walking around.
There's real life.
You know what I'm saying? That's my biggest, The way I see it, you two best friends, were never best friends to begin with.
Actually, sir, I really think we were.
If I'm understandin' right, and I think I'm understandin' right, you two met when you were both seriously lonely, and maybe a little desperate, when you both needed a best friend.
You shared a few things together, started to refer to each other as "best", but that was premature, wasn't it? 'Cause what you had, never really earned that title.
I had a best friend for 63 years, played in the Minors together, went to war together, And here's the fact: You can't get a best friend.
Best friends become.
They don't happen, in a meeting or a year or 2.
It's a package deal, friendship.
Only as valuable as what you put in, come through.
Judging something like that after one year, even if you got all the facts, that's like looking for the final score, before you've seen the second inning.
I don't think you two were best friends to begin with.
Now one of 2 things is gonna happen.
You 're either gonna come through this, on your way to becoming, the kind of friends you thought you were, or you become memories, memories that will fade, into nothin'.
Thank you.
Ladies and gentlemen, ,thank you and have a nice day.
Hey, so good luck to you two.
Thanks.
You, too.
Hey.
Man.
You got a problem with that loan, you give me a call, all right? - All right! - All right, man.
Remember, if you can't work it out, it wasn't meant to be.
That song was cold.
I got umbrellas, Might be raining up there.
Umbrellas.
5 bucks! Ohh.
Wow! Actual air.
It's been a really weird day.
Yeah, can you believe that? There's a lot of strange people in this city.
- And we're 2 of them.
- I guess we are.
So do you want to, you know, go get a cup of coffee or something? No, thanks.
I'm just going to go back to the loft.
I'll see you.
Julie and I spent hours in a subway car, underneath New York City, and I don't think we came out very well.
After what I did to Julie, I guess, all I can do is ask her forgiveness.
It's up to her.
Still, even if we weren't ever real best friends, I miss her.
Come in.
Oh, you 're here.
What happened to you? Oh, the, the subway broke down.
Thank God, because could Noel Crane be any cuter? I can't get over that guy.
He's, he's like this nerdy graphic design type, but with a total stud body.
That almost never happens.
Yeah, he is pretty cute.
He's also, like, the most amazing kisser.
I know you guys are friends, so don't say I said anything.
Ok? I just, I want to keep it simple.
Oh, sure.
Yeah.
He's such a hottie! What? Nothing.
Um, I'm happy for you.
Me, too.
And seriously, thank you so much for not coming.
You 're welcome.
That song was really mean.
Yeah.
A little.
But like you said, free speech.
Yeah.
I'm not going to play it anymore.
Thanks.
This is really great.
Isn't it? Yeah.