Flight of the Conchords s02e04 Episode Script

Item one: "Slow songs.
" I thought it would be a good idea if you ended each gig with a slow song.
No.
We don't really have any slow songs.
So that's a clear "no" from you, Bret.
Now, Jemaine, what if you were to slow down some of your own bits? 'Cause you do different songs than Bret, don't you? - Hmm? - well, your songs, they're a lot no, they're the same songs, they're just a different part.
- I play the bass.
- Okay, well, I'm not the musician, all right? You guys know what you're talking about I'm just the brains behind this operation.
Murray, I was thinking we should play some gigs in bigger venues.
There's no such thing as a small venue, Bret, only small bands.
The camper-van gig was too small, 'cause no one could get in there.
There was just that one old man and his wife.
Whoa whoa whoa, this was the camper-van gig that was sold out if I'm correctly mistaken.
How do you think you get to be sold out? It's the small venues that's the trick.
- Yeah, well - it's a trick.
It's an old trick.
And no more raft gigs.
- It sold out.
- Yes, it was another sold out gig, - but we want to do bigger gigs.
- Okay, I get the picture.
"Friends.
" Now we've known each other for quite some time in the professional realm, I'd like to push things forward in the friendship realm.
- What's the friendship realm? - Well, you've heard of a realm? - Mmm.
- Yeah? - Yes.
- Well, this is like a friendship one.
A group of people basically getting together calling each other friends.
Iook at this.
Right.
Okay.
- What's this? - It's a friendship graph.
Okay, if you have a look along here on the x-axis, this represents time passing and on the y-axis here, this is the different levels of friends, okay? Starting up here with "friends," "workmates," down to "colleagues," underneath that, "strangers"which is pretty much everyone I've noticed and then "enemies.
" So basically you guys are here"workmates" and what I want is to get you up here "friends" and above.
That's where Jim is.
- Who's Jim? - Jim's my best friend.
- We've never heard of Jim.
- Well, if you guys were my friends, you'd know who my other friend was Jim.
Murray, would you like to see the new immigration report? - Greg, do you think of us as friends? - I hope so, Murray.
We're not.
We're colleagues.
- I see.
- I'm your boss.
Don't forget that.
- Would you like the report, Murray? - Uh, yes.
Now can you fax that to me? Okay.
See, guys? I don't let just anyone be my friend.
Greg's a good guy, but he's in colleague status.
So I think the three of us are ready to move on and get to that next level.
What do you say, guys? Uh, okay.
Jemaine, friends possibilities? - Okay, man.
- Yeah, man.
What's the time, man? Aw, heck.
You guys had better go you'll be late for your gig.
who likes to rock the party? I like to rock the party who likes to rock the party? sounds good, guys.
Slow it down a bit.
These two are dancing.
Possible couple here dancing to this.
Well, you've lost the audience.
Oh, it's the bottom floor.
All right, see you tomorrow, future friends.
Oh, there's Mel.
Go go go.
Hey! Hey, guys! Hey, Jemaine! Hey, Bret! I have some cookies for you in my fanny pack.
Hmm? - Oh, yeah? - Yeah.
Oh, look, this one must be for Bret that's Bret's - and here's Jemaine's.
- Yum.
Uh, I'm not sure I want to eat my own face.
I almost did on the way over here.
The lips are very prominent.
Yeah.
Yup.
I had a dream about you guys last night.
Jemaine, you were a slave striving towards freedom.
And Bret well, I just want to thank you.
- Uh, you're welcome.
- I had no idea you were so flexible.
What do you think it could mean? Do you think that it might be clairvoyance and I can see into the future when I sleep? - Uh, we should we should get going.
- Oh, yeah yeah yeah.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the world was more like your dreams? - No.
- Yeah.
Do you think so, Jemaine? Yeah, some some dreams.
why can't the world be more like in my dreams? bye! it would be full of all of my favorite things the sun shining in the sky and suddenly I can fly I'm a little bird up high in a V formation with my favorite guys I'm amelia earhart my plane has a broken wing my fellas are my propellers and my cookies start to sing why can't the world be more like in her dreams? I agree.
I won't tell my secrets to foreign spies and then rescued by my two favorite guys I'm instantly pregnant and I can't explain and when they pop out, they're like Bret and Jemaine I'm walking to school, folks are staring at me then I look down, I'm completely naked! what if the world was more like in my dreams? I wake up early in the morning go to school and do a test then all my teeth fall out and I'm falling to my death why can't the world be more like in my dreams? - pardon? - What? We'd better go, Mel.
- Thanks for the cookie.
- Oh, yeah.
- See you, Mel.
- Bye.
Well, this is fun, isn't it, guys? - Yes.
- Bret? - Present.
- No, you don't need to say "present.
" - We're just friends.
- It's just a casual, relaxed atmosphere.
- Yeah.
- Okay, I see.
Forget about all the work formalities we normally have when we're working.
Oh, I've got you some lists.
Just some ideas for things we could do as friends.
"Make a coffee.
" "Complain about our days.
" "Watch a dvd.
" I've brought "the world's fastest indian.
" Oh, great.
Do you have it on dvd? "Build a fort.
" - Build a fort? - Yup.
And at the end here I've got "express our emotions" and "have a beer.
" Well, that should be around the other way, actually we'll have a beer then we'll express the emotions.
Murray, we don't even drink beer.
We don't talk about our emotions.
Well, that's the sort of stuff I do with Jim.
- Who's Jim? - Jim, my friend Jim.
- We're not Jim.
- No.
- No, you're not.
- What sort of things do you like to do? Well, I like having a bath, but well, we're not gonna have a bath, Bret.
I know, but that's something I like doing.
I like to have a sleep.
All right.
Well, I'll put that on the list.
"Have a sleep.
" Do you think that's what you'll do? Well, it's what you like to do, is it? So you came around here to have a sleep? Well, I'll probably choose some of the other things beforehand.
That's last on the list.
Bret, don't shine the light in my eyes you'll ruin my night vision.
Murray, this is childish.
What, you think building a bivouac is childish? - Yeah, I think so.
- This is what we used to do in the new zealand army.
Do you see children in the army, Jemaine? - No, you don't.
- Well, actually you do, Bret, in some armies, but not the good ones, not the new zealand army.
- Not by the time I got in there.
- Were you in the army? Yeah.
Remember I showed you my new zealand army uniform the green t-shirt and the green shorts? Oh, I thought that was your underwear.
No, all the new zealand army soldiers wore them, and we'd build bivouacs like this out of any sort of resources that came to hand.
What, out of two brooms, some blankets and the beds? No, not beds.
It depends what we had, you know, handy.
Sometimes when you're in the Bush, you didn't have brooms.
You used twigs and leaves.
You'd be in the Bush for days on end, relying on nothing but your wits.
- Oh.
- And one time my whole platoon had to drink their own urine.
- Oh, were you lost? - No, we were drunk.
It was a party game.
I didn't really like that part of the army.
- More tea, Jemaine? - No thank you, Murray.
- I might go to bed.
- Oh, okay.
Well, I'm gonna go to bed too then.
- See you, guys.
- Good night, Murray.
Bret, I feel like you're my brother.
- And, Jemaine, you're our dad.
- Go to sleep, Murray.
Good night, dad.
Good night, graeme.
This is a definite move up on the y-axis, guys.
Right, let's have a look at the graph.
Up we go.
Oh, guys, we've done it.
- Really? - We have reached the next level.
I think you're ready to meet Jim.
- Who's Jim? - Jim my best friend.
Come on, we're on the same level now.
Let's have a look at the friend agenda the afrienda.
There's a barbeque at my place tonight.
Perfect.
We hang out like friends, like the friends from that program "friends.
" I could be chandler, the funny one.
Jemaine, you could be ross, the mopey one.
And Bret Joey, the naive one.
- Can I be chandler? - No, I'm chandler.
But I'm more like chandler I say witty things.
I have witticisms.
- No, you don't.
You're mopey.
- Yeah, I'm sarcastic.
I would just say something sarcastic and you'd not really notice, but the people watching will really appreciate it.
Jim knows me as the chandler guy.
It's a pretty quiet party, Murray.
It's only just started, Jemaine.
Iook at Bret.
He's having a good time.
Hey, Bret, you think it's rocking now, you wait till Jim gets here it's gonna be twice this.
- He's like a one-man party.
- Well, does he need us then? Oh, yeah.
Just to give you an example of the sort of funny thing he does, have a look out the window here.
Iook.
See that? Can you see what they are? Jemaine and I know what they are, don't we? - Americanized though.
- They're breasts.
- You see the breasts? - Oh, I thought it was a monster - no no, they're breasts.
with big ears.
No, it's a naked woman's body.
Oh, definitely.
As soon as I saw it I thought, "yeah.
" Oh, we should play a joke on him.
- Okay.
Like what? - You guys tell him that I found you in the Bush and I brought you back into the city I carried you back individually.
What were we doing in the Bush? You were dropped in there.
You were left by your your partners.
- Girlfriends? - Yeah, your girlfriends left you in the Bush.
You must've done something wrong.
You must've upset them.
- Seems far-fetched.
- Oh, he's gonna love it.
three, four.
Hands off, Murray.
Oh, I should go get something on for the barbeque.
Here he is! And the fun begins.
- Incoming.
Zing zing zing - zing! Jim, so here's my new friends - just recently added.
- Pleasure to meet you two.
- Yeah.
- So, Bret, Jemaine, tell me about yourselves.
What sort of music do you guys like? - Rock? - Yeah.
- Funk? - Yes.
- Country? - Yeah.
- Hair band? - Yes.
- Synth? - Yeah.
- Blues? - Yes.
- Jazz? - Yes.
- Jazz fusion? - Yeah.
- No.
- Cool.
So, Jemaine, what do you call that style of haircut? Bret cuts it.
Ask him.
- Bret? - Oh, I just call that the "Jemaine.
" - You like sports, Jemaine? - No.
- Bret, sports fan? - Not really.
- You work out, Bret? - Yeah.
Yeah, um I ride an exercycle and run up and down the stairs in our apartment each day.
How many stairs in your apartment, Jemaine? - 75.
- How many people have you met? - How many people have I met? - Mm-hmm.
- I don't know.
- What, in total? - Yup.
- How many people have you met? Bret, do you read? - Yeah.
- What do you read? - I read the newspaper.
- Yeah.
Your favorite part of the newspaper, Jemaine what is it? - What? - Favorite part of the newspaper, - what is it? - Uh, pages? - Nope.
- Uh, articles? - Hm-mmm.
- I don't really have a favorite part Bret, you've got a favorite part of the newspaper? Um I like the stories about animals when they've escaped from the zoo.
Cool.
So you guys got any questions you want to ask me? - No.
- Okay, so I'll flip it back.
You guys ever grow a mustache? You ever been stung by a porcupine? - all the ladies at the party come on and shake your boobies, yeah who likes to rock the party? I like to rock the party.
thank you.
We're flight of the conchords.
We're gonna take a little break.
Feel free to go get a drink or make yourselves at home, get comfortable.
We'll be back in about 10 minutes.
Bret, I dreamt about you again.
- Hmm? - Actually, I'm kind of angry at you for something you did in my dream last night.
Yeah, you were there too, Jemaine, but you did something very nice.
- Ah.
Hmm.
- Oh, that's nice.
But, Bret, I just I feel like it's silly, but you should apologize for what you did.
- Apologize for what? - What did he do? Oh! Oh my God.
What was the nice thing that I did? - Oh! Ooh.
- Yeah.
- What did I do? - I don't want to say, Bret, but I think you should probably apologize.
I'm not gonna apologize.
It was a dream.
- Well, actually, it seemed real, didn't it? - It seemed like you.
- Did I apologize in your dream? - No, you did not.
That's a shame.
I should've apologized in the dream.
You bastard.
- You bastard, Bret.
- Apologize.
I'm sorry.
- Okay.
- I should think so.
Hey, Bret, Jemaine.
It's your new friend Jim.
I was just calling to see if you guys wanted to go out tonight.
Give me a call.
- Should we call him? - No.
- I think I should.
It's polite.
- What for? - He's our friend now.
- He's not our friend.
He's just a guy who we met one time.
- I'll call him back.
- Oh, do oh, please I'll just call him back and tell him that we're busy and stuff.
We are busy.
Iook.
- Murray? - Hi, Jim, it's Bret.
- Oh, hey, Bret.
- How's it going? - Did you hear my message? - Yeah.
- Yeah? When did you hear it? - Just now.
Oh.
What did you think about my message? Um, well, I yeah, I liked your message.
- It was good.
- Do you like the color light blue? - Yeah yeah yeah.
Yeah, I do.
- Yeah? So shall we get together tonight? Um, yeah, well he's saying "shall we get together sometime?" - What should I say? No.
Say no.
Um no.
Oh, why not? - Why not? - Because he's a dick.
Because we're busy just really busy at the moment.
Did Jemaine just call me a dick? Um did you just call him a dick? - Yeah.
- Um, yes.
- Bret, don't tell him that! - Well, you just told me to tell him! Bret, I didn't say to tell him he's a dick.
- Uh, are you still are you still there, Jim? - Yes, he is a dick.
- Yeah, I'm still here.
- Sorry, that wa- - am I on speakerphone? - No, you' not.
No, you're not, - but I got confused - abort the call.
'cause I thought - that's all right.
I guess you don't want to get together.
Okay.
- Bye, Bret.
- Bye.
Well, he doesn't sound very happy about you calling him a dick.
You argh! - Table's not really wide enough.
- What's going on?! - Table tennis.
- Guys, this is no good.
I need my desk to work on.
This is my workspace.
It's not a rec center for the misguided.
What if someone was to come in now and see this mess? Well, then we can play doubles.
You're gonna have to go away.
I thought we'd gone to the next level friends level.
Well, we are, Bret, but we can't hang out all of the time, not here at my work.
I'm afraid this is a drop in the y-axis, Bret.
- A drop? - Yeah.
Can you not put it on there? Just 'cause it's the table-tennis table.
Right, we've dropped right down to the bottom of friends now.
But we thought you really liked us.
You can still work on the desk.
You just have to ignore us, I suppose.
Jemaine, please go away.
Go away, guys.
Oh, come on, guys.
Iook, I'll make it up to you, all right? We'll go orienteering with Jim on Saturday.
- Oh.
No, that's okay.
- Mmm.
- Friday? - I'll see you later.
That's all right.
Let's just go.
All right, I'll see you tonight at tae kwan do.
- See you later, Murray.
- Don't forget.
Murray, I forgot my jock again.
Do you got an extra one? I've only got one jock, Jim.
Oh, hey, guys.
- Welcome to my dojo.
- Hey, Murray.
- Look, our friend Jim is here.
- Hey, Jim.
Hey, Bret.
Hey, Jemaine.
- Oh, hello, guys.
- Oh, yes.
- Hey, Mel.
- Hi.
- Hey, Mel.
- why what's Mel doing here? I thought we could bring a female element into our group like they do on that program "friends.
" She could be like the kooky female, you know Phoebe, is it? - Oh, yeah, she's great.
- Who would Jim be then? You could be we'll, we've got ross.
- I'm ross.
- You're ross.
- You were gonna be Joey.
- I'll just stay as ross.
You'd have to be, um - Monica? - Yeah.
- It's kind of weird, but uh - cool.
You know, I dreamt about you again last night, Bret.
- It's good to have you here, Mel.
- You know, Murray, I would really love to learn how to attack a man.
Unfortunately, tae kwon do is more about self-defense.
Okay, Jemaine, come at me with all your might.
- Ah! Ah! - Sorry, are you okay? Mel! Mel, stop it! Mel! Oh, God, I'm so sorry.
One two three four.
Ah.
Ah.
- Come on, Jim.
- Hi, Jim.
- Hey, Jim.
- Hi.
Jemaine, did you call Jim a dick? No.
No, I didn't.
No.
I would never call Jim a dick.
- He did.
- I knew it.
You did.
Jim wouldn't tell me that's not in his nature but I knew something was wrong, so I got him drunk and he told me that you called him a dick.
Yeah.
Well, Bret confirmed it though.
- Yeah, I did.
- Is that true, Bret? You confirmed it? - Uh, yes.
- I said it quietly on the phone and Bret could've just easily covered over and said something that rhymed with dick - like what? like a tick.
I can't believe it, Jemaine.
He's not a dick or a tick.
And, Bret, you can't confirm that he's a dick.
You might as well call me a dick.
I do call you a dick sometimes.
- Same.
- I've called you a dick before.
All right, that's another issue we need to discuss.
- He has called you a dick.
- More to the point, guys, Jim is a cool guy.
Aren't you, Jim? - Yes.
- You're the dick in this scenario, Jemaine - me? for calling Jim a dick.
Yes.
How does that feel, a taste of your own dick medicine? I just you know, I wish could all have got on.
Friends should be friends of friends' friends.
I tried, Murray.
I called.
- I asked questions.
- I hate to think how this is going to look on the chart.
Let's review it.
Okay, so this is, I guess, where I gave you the bad review.
And then Iook at this a really big drop because you guys nearly got me the Sack.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
- that's a big drop in the y-axis.
But we came to visit you impromptu.
- Okay, that was kind of nice.
- And we made your office a games room.
- Was that nice? Was it? - Yeah, we put in table tennis.
I don't think so, guys, because you drilled holes in my desk.
- For putting the net up.
- yeah well, what about table- tennis nets with clamps? - Oh, the clamp ones.
- Yeah.
So that's down again.
- And then Jemaine called me a dick.
- I called him a dick, so right, that's true.
That's down again.
Oh, you're below colleagues.
You're below greg worse than when we started.
Strangers.
I don't even know you guys anymore.
So we're not friends anymore? No, Bret, not according to the chart.
How's my chart, Murray? Jim, there's your one.
Iook at that.
- Whoa! - Really good, yeah.
- That's beautiful.
Yeah - friends as ever.
Nice one.
Where do you buy your markers? I just get them from stationery.
Oh, here we go.
Come on, let's go, Jim.
- Friend.
- See you, Murray.
Oh! Uh, guys, band meeting tomorrow, so see you tomorrow - okay but we'll be we'll be strangers, so that'll be uncomfortable.
Just come and give your names at the desk.
- We'll come in and introduce ourselves.
- I'm Murray hewitt, anyway.
- Good night, Murray.
- Good night, guys.
- Bye, Jim.
- See you, Jim.
One two three four.
- Favorite sauce? - Uh, any Brown sauce.
- You? - Eh, still mayonnaise.
- Paper or plastic? - I'm a paper man.
I'm glad you care about the environment.
- I do.
- What do you call the color of your hair? Electric copper.
What about yours? White Gold, rust belt.
- Rust belt.
- Yeah.
friends sing together friends do things together friends laugh together friends may grouse together friends help you when you're in danger friends are people who are not strangers friends help you shift into a new place tell you if you've got food on your face friends are the ones on whom you can depend he's my friend, he's not my friend friends are the ones who are there in the end - he's my friend - they're not my friends if you trip over, I'll catch your fall if you kick my dick, I won't break your balls - if you get drunk and vomit on me - come on, come on.
I'll make sure you get home safely if you crossed the road and a truck struck you I'll scrape you up and reconstruct you I'll cheer you up if you're depressed if you get murdered, I'll avenge your death friends walk together pop & lock together me and him together me and Jim forever friends go jogging at the track friends borrow money, never pay it back friends do not let friends do crack friends go out and grab a snack friends drink beer in the sun unlike girlfriends, they don't mind if you have more than one friends tell you when your fly's undone Murray, your fly's undone.
my uncle John had a special friend they dressed alike, his name was Ben I've never seen two friends like them they were very very friendly men friends friends friends friends friends friends friends friends friends friends friends friends.
fantasy fantasy ooh, fantasy, ooh, fantasy ooh ooh