Funny Woman (2023) s02e04 Episode Script
Season 2, Episode 4
1
(LOW, SOMBRE MUSIC)
You lied to me, my whole life.
Don't blame him.
I'll blame who I like!
You're as bad as each other.
I'll blame who I like!
You're as bad as each other.
We did what we thought was best.
Oh, the best being to cover it up,
in the hope that I'd never find out?
Oh, the best being to cover it up,
in the hope that I'd never find out?
We didn't know you were
gonna be famous.
Speak for yourself.
I mean, we didn't know the papers
were gonna come digging.
And- and that's the reason
why you're telling me now,
And- and that's the reason
why you're telling me now,
because- because you've
been found out?
That's heroic.
Well, what could I do?
You stood there, while people said,
'Oh George, she's got your eyes,
she's got your smile,
she's got your sense of humour.'
she's got your smile,
she's got your sense of humour.'
I wanted it to be true.
I wanted to believe in unicorns!
(MUSIC CONTINUES)
(MUSIC CONTINUES)
(SNIFFLES)
I'm struggling to understand
why you didn't tell me.
I thought that if you knew
..I wasn't your
..dad
..that I would lose you.
Well, you've lost me anyway.
You can see yourselves out.
# ..nothing left to feel
# ..nothing left to feel
# You don't have to say you love me
# Just be close at hand
# Just be close at hand
# You don't have to stay forever
# I will understand
# Believe me, believe me
# You don't have to say you love me
# You don't have to say you love me
# Just be close at hand #
Right, pancake day.
Let's get it on its feet.
Right, pancake day.
Let's get it on its feet.
OK, I'm on my feet.
Should we wait for Sophie?
Should we wait for Sophie?
She'll be along.
Excuse me, sir.
Please, can I ask you a bit of
a stupid question?
Please, call me Dennis,
and there are no stupid questions.
How do you get to make the furniture
and people all small,
How do you get to make the furniture
and people all small,
so you can squeeze us
into the television?
I love Greta.
(CHUCKLING)
She gets him every time.
Ah. Yeah.
She gets him every time.
Ah. Yeah.
Sorry, couldn't resist.
Actually, I still don't know
how it works. (LAUGHS)
Soph.
Morning Soph.Morning.
We need a pancake. Bill,
please may we borrow your hat?
We need a pancake. Bill,
please may we borrow your hat?
I'm not putting my titfer in that
manky pan.(LAUGHTER)
We've gotta use something.
Oh, hang on.
Oh, hang on.
Voila.
Are they what I think they are?
Why have you got your knickers
in your bag?
Why have you got your knickers
in your bag?
You never know when you'll need
a clean pair. Do you, Soph?
Oh, you are joking.
See? My mum always said,
'Always carry a spare pair.
See? My mum always said,
'Always carry a spare pair.
Always.' Did your mum say that?
My auntie.
'You could be caught in
an earthquake,
'You could be caught in
an earthquake,
you could be struck by lightning.'
Yeah, right,
and just your pants fall off?
Well, stranger things have happened.
Well, stranger things have happened.
Have they though?
(LAUGHTER)
Sophie, could you help me
look at the next scene?
This brewed about an hour ago,
it's strong as anything,
look at that.
look at that.
I could be anybody.
If he's not me dad, am I even funny?
I don't know who I am.
(CRYING)
Sorry.
Sorry.
Sorry.
(LOW, SOMBRE MUSIC)
We don't have to do this today
if you don't want to.
No, come on, Dennis.
We've got work to do.
Right, come on, lads,
let's crack on. It's pancake day!
# Land of 1000 Dances #
So, here she is with her pan
in one hand and an iron
So, here she is with her pan
in one hand and an iron
in the other,
and Barbara calls out-
Don't forget to toss it!
Right, but she tosses the iron
Right, but she tosses the iron
..and she smashes Barbara's
favourite lamp.
Barbara enters with a towel
on her head, and she says -
Is everything alright?
Smashing.
Good enough for you?
Not bad.
(MUSIC ENDS)
We weren't expecting you
until this afternoon.
Ted's our comedy boss.
Oh, I see. Great casting.
'I'm very stern,
I'm the boss of TV.'
In real life!
The head of light entertainment.
Yes, this is Greta Walker.
Nice to meet you, Greta.
Nice to meet you, Greta.
Nice to meet you also,
Your Lordship.
Well, do carry on.
Well, do carry on.
Um, I'm confused.
Um, I'm confused.
Which of them is meant to be
the straight one?
There isn't a straight one.
I'm not entirely sure the public
are going to wear that.
I'm not entirely sure the public
are going to wear that.
Two funny women?
Nothing has changed.
I now issue a call to arms.
CROWD: Yes!
I now issue a call to arms.
CROWD: Yes!
Just to clarify,
arms in the air to vote, that is.
Not shooters, Susan.
(LAUGHTER)
Not shooters, Susan.
(LAUGHTER)
If you agree to strike action,
raise them high!
(CHEERS)
Oh, hello. What's this?
It's a termination
of employment notice.
I've been let go.
I've been let go.
Gosh. I wasn't expecting that.
(LAUGHS)
Oh dear.
Oh no.
(LOW, SOMBRE MUSIC)
Yeah, so, um
.if management think that they can
silence us by silencing
our union rep,
then they can have another think.
On top of that think.
We will continue to fight,
in the name of our fearless leader,
Miss- what is your first name?
Minky.
Minky?
Blimey.
Right. In the name of our fearless
leader, Miss Minky Sykes.
(APPLAUSE)
(APPLAUSE)
Women all over are speaking out,
so let's join together with them
and march to Trafalgar Square.
so let's join together with them
and march to Trafalgar Square.
(APPLAUSE)
Ta.
Oh, hello. What you doing here?
Actually, I was hoping to buy
you a little snifter.
Give you a chance to tell
your side of things.
Give you a chance to tell
your side of things.
My side of things about what?
Well, you know.
About your background.
I'm Barbara Parker from Blackpool.
Everyone knows I changed my name.
Yes, but they don't know your real,
real name, do they?
Yet.
Yet.
It's you.
Me and your mum had
a lovely little chat.
Me and your mum had
a lovely little chat.
You've absolutely no right
to talk to my family.
It must have been hard,
carrying that shame all these years.
It must have been hard,
carrying that shame all these years.
So, yeah, shall we have
a little drinkie? I'm gasping.
Most of the pubs on Fleet Street
won't serve women.
Most of the pubs on Fleet Street
won't serve women.
Won't serve women,
or won't serve you?
Why are you coming after me?
Well, the public have the right
to know the truth about a big TV
Well, the public have the right
to know the truth about a big TV
star like you. You're meant
to be the girl next door.
That's a lie.
Oh, suit yourself.
You've got my number.
Oh, suit yourself.
You've got my number.
Give me a call.
I'd much rather hear the words
from your mouth than have to
fill in the blanks myself.
Hello, you.
Hiya,
how was playtime with
your funny friends?
how was playtime with
your funny friends?
It's different now Bill's back.
Yeah? Good different?
Sort of.
Working with Soph, I've-
I've realised I can actually write
Working with Soph, I've-
I've realised I can actually write
jokes without Bill.
You actually alright?
Tone?
Uh?
Tone?
Uh?
Every time you ask me that, I think
you're asking if you're alright.
Are you alright?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
No.
No.
I- I'm not, really.
I've just been thinking about
the future again, and I'm feeling-
I've just been thinking about
the future again, and I'm feeling-
Sweaty? Anxious? Convinced you're
having a heart attack?
What if this whole baby thing-
Wait?
We're having a baby?
We're having a baby?
That's a good call-back.
No, what if it's
..something that I just can't do?
Look, one day soon, right,
a baby's gonna come out of my vagina
and we're gonna do our very best,
whatever that best may be.
and we're gonna do our very best,
whatever that best may be.
And if it doesn't work
..we'll try another best.
..we'll try another best.
You are a diamond.
(GENTLE MUSIC)
(GENTLE MUSIC)
Well, I'm not gonna argue with that.
Darling, how wonderful.
What an unexpected pleasure.
Darling, how wonderful.
What an unexpected pleasure.
Hi, Pea. Busy day at court?
Well, I spent the morning defending
a little gangland shooting.
Well, I spent the morning defending
a little gangland shooting.
Why have you still got
your robes on?
Oh, well I spent the afternoon
having spine-tingling sex
with Charlie.
He loves it when I wear my robes.
with Charlie.
He loves it when I wear my robes.
At least someone's having fun.
Oh.
Hello again.
Hiya Charlie.You alright?
Hello again.
Hiya Charlie.You alright?
Oh. Crikey.
Oop.
Listen, I know we shouldn't
objectify the male form,
Listen, I know we shouldn't
objectify the male form,
but yum, am I right?
Oh, that's cheered me up
a bit actually.
Now, look, god knows I love
an impromptu party,
but you lot look about as festive as
a bunch of bad professional mourners
but you lot look about as festive as
a bunch of bad professional mourners
at an East End wake. What gives?
(OVERLAPPING CHATTER)
Order! Order! Order!
Order! Order! Order!
Sit down. One pathetic bleat
at a time, please.
Sit down. One pathetic bleat
at a time, please.
Sophie.
Your friend, that bloody Lynda Jay,
she's got a story on my parents,
and she says if I don't do
an exclusive interview with her,
then she's going to make it up.
then she's going to make it up.
And if it comes out,
then I'm ruined.
That hack Lynda Jay is
no friend of mine.
Well, I can have this Lynda lady
taken out if you like, Soph.
Oh, that is very sweet, Charlie,
but I can't condone violence.
Oh, that is very sweet, Charlie,
but I can't condone violence.
Although a judicious kneecapping can
send quite a strong message.
(GASPS) No!
No? No.
(GASPS) No!
No? No.
No. No, no, no, no, no.
Crikey.
So, I suggest we scoop her.
Crikey.
So, I suggest we scoop her.
Like an ice cream?
Do the story before Lynda Jay does.
If only we knew a top-notch
journalist.
If only we knew a top-notch
journalist.
Me?
Yes!
Why are we just sitting around
waiting for lairy Lynda
Why are we just sitting around
waiting for lairy Lynda
to drop a bomb on Sophie's life,
when Diane could do an exclusive?
But what would we be saying?
We wouldn't be saying anything.
You would.
Yeah, Diane could write it down,
all brainy and thenExactly.
Yeah, Diane could write it down,
all brainy and thenExactly.
But- but what if the story comes out
and I still get the sack?
Well, that would be
the risk either way.
Well, that would be
the risk either way.
But at least this way you'd be
telling your truth,
your whole truth,
and nothing but your truth.
Let's do it.
(SOFT UPBEAT MUSIC)
Let's do it.
(SOFT UPBEAT MUSIC)
Yes. Good.
My words, my way.
Oh goodie.
(LAUGHTER)
Oh goodie.
(LAUGHTER)
(MUSIC FADES, ENDS)
So Sophie, do you wanna find
your real father?
Find out who you are?
Maybe one day I'll go looking.
But, oh, I don't know, maybe
But, oh, I don't know, maybe
Maybe my story is about
the family I had,
Maybe my story is about
the family I had,
and not the family I didn't have.
There's only one place to start.
(DIALLING)
(LOW, SOMBRE MUSIC)
It was the war.
Gloria and I were courting.
It was the war.
Gloria and I were courting.
My regiment went off to fight.
The Americans flew in.
GIs looking like movie stars.
GIs looking like movie stars.
You know, overpaid,
oversexed, and over here.
And he swept your mother
off her feet.
I came back home to marry
my sweetheart.
But she was pregnant?
Ah, soldier boy ditched her.
Ah, soldier boy ditched her.
He had a wife back home.
The public shaming would've ruined
her.
The public shaming would've ruined
her.
Love's funny though, isn't it?
It starts out like a fairy-tale.
And once upon a time
..I loved her.
But, you know, she was always
searching for something.
She left me anyway.
Sophie, when people read this,
they might judge you.
Sophie, when people read this,
they might judge you.
They might be shocked,
disgusted even.
So, why speak out?
I'm speaking out because-
Because there is
a revolution going on.
Because we have to speak out.
Hello. Hello.
Because we have to speak out.
Hello. Hello.
This is Marjorie Harrison
from shoes,
and if Sophie would effing well come
on this equal pay march with us,
and if Sophie would effing well come
on this equal pay march with us,
then people would have to sit up
and listen.
Marjorie, stop disrupting!
No, Marj is right.
There is a revolution going on.
No, Marj is right.
There is a revolution going on.
And I won't live my life like
my mother did,
hiding in the shadows
in fear of being found out.
This story is mine, and no one is
going to tell is but me.
# Edwin Starr: Headline News #
# Extra, extra, read all about it
# Extra, extra, read all about it
# Extra, extra, read all about it
# I wanna spread news all around
# I wanna spread news all around
# I found a love that I've been
looking for
# Now I don't have to look no more
# And it's headline news
# Don't you head them say it
# Extra, extra, read all about it
# Extra, extra, read all about it
# Extra, extra, read all about it
# Extra, extra, read all about it
# Extra, extra, read all about it
# Extra, extra, read all about it
Careful, that one-armed bandit,
it's a money pit.
George, get in here.
(MUSIC FADES)
This article opens the door to
Hollywood. Your dad was a GI?
That's instant dual citizenship
and a green card.
But I don't think I'm ready
to come to Hollywood just yet.
But I don't think I'm ready
to come to Hollywood just yet.
Don't tell me you still wanna do
your little TV comedy show?
If Ted Sargent hasn't blown a fuse
at the news and cancelled it.
If Ted Sargent hasn't blown a fuse
at the news and cancelled it.
Have you seen this?
# She brings out the best in me
# Lights me up like
a Christmas tree
# Lights me up like
a Christmas tree
Oh dear god.
Is she actively trying to break me?
# It's headline news
No. I think she's wonderful.
No. I think she's wonderful.
(SOFT MUSIC)
We're gonna need more fruit.
This iron's pretty heavy.
(GRUNTS)
Oh, that got me right there.
Oh, that got me right there.
Your tummy?
In my baby maker.
Funny sound effect there.
Oh yeah.
Go on, a bit of jazz.
The, uh, double base tights.
Go on, a bit of jazz.
The, uh, double base tights.
Lost a string.
(LAUGHTER)
(MUSIC ENDS)
(LAUGHTER)
(MUSIC ENDS)
Right. Now all we need to do is
finish the bloody thing.
Alright, Dennis.
It's good.
Oh god, I'm so sorry,
I've got to go.
Oh god, I'm so sorry,
I've got to go.
What? Where?
Never ask a woman that.
She might tell you.
Let me.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Oh, um, I read the article.
I'm proud of you.
Thank you.
(GENTLE MUSIC)
Excuse me. Hello.
Oh, hello.
I read the papers. I thought you
were awfully brave to
I read the papers. I thought you
were awfully brave to
Oh, well, well thank you.
..tell your story your way
and not let the tabloids
dictate the narrative.
and not let the tabloids
dictate the narrative.
I daresay I've made certain
assumptions.
Look, I'm sorry
it's all been so bloody.
Look, I'm sorry
it's all been so bloody.
I met Dennis
when I was at university.
He was the second man I ever kissed,
first I ever loved.
He was the second man I ever kissed,
first I ever loved.
Just kids, really.
I understand.
He's still your husband.
I want you to know,
I'm not making things difficult
for the sake of it.
I'm not making things difficult
for the sake of it.
What is it that you want?
I
I just want him to be happy.
(ELEVATOR DINGS)
(ELEVATOR DINGS)
(PHONE RINGING)
Hello, Battersea Dogs Home.
Hello, Battersea Dogs Home.
(HOWLS & BARKS)
Yes, yes, yes, no, don't worry,
I'll tell him.
Tone? Yeah, that was the hospital.
Apparently June's broken some water.
Oh
Apparently June's broken some water.
Oh
Right chaps, let's go.
Yes, come on Tone. Come on Tony.
# Bobby Fuller Four:
I Fought The Law #
# Bobby Fuller Four:
I Fought The Law #
Come on. Now. Come on.
Oh wait, I need, I need my,
uh, my typing.
Oh wait, I need, I need my,
uh, my typing.
I forgot my camera. Bye Greta.
# A-breakin' rocks in the hot sun
# A-breakin' rocks in the hot sun
# I fought the law and the law won
# I fought the law and the law won
We're having a baby!
(CLAMOUR)
We're having a baby!
(CLAMOUR)
# I needed money 'cause I had none
Suger, Tone, sugar.
# I needed money 'cause I had none
Suger, Tone, sugar.
# I fought the law and the law won
Taxi!
Oh my god, Dennis! Dennis!
St Joseph's, Maternity Wing.
What, are you delivering a baby?
And a television show.
I can't get out.
Come on Tony.
Oh my god, Tony!
Alright, here we go.
We're having a baby.
Alright, interior, day.
Barbara is in the kitchen.
What if she really is having a baby?
Barbara is in the kitchen.
What if she really is having a baby?
What are you talking about?
Barbara's not even pregnant!
I'm talking about June!
Shush!
Shush, calm. Deep breaths now.
Shush, calm. Deep breaths now.
BOTH: What do we want, equal pay,
when do we want it, yesterday.
What do we want?
WOMEN Equal pay.
When do we want it?
WOMEN: Now.
No, yesterday, we want it yesterday.
No, yesterday, we want it yesterday.
What do we want?
Equal pay.
When do we want it?
Yesterday.
Equal pay or we walk away.
NEWS: The advice avoiding Trafalgar
Square, where a large number
NEWS: The advice avoiding Trafalgar
Square, where a large number
of women are congregating
to demonstrate.
# I fought the law and the law won
By the time we get to the hospital
the baby will be in primary school!
By the time we get to the hospital
the baby will be in primary school!
CROWD: Equal pay or we walk away,
equal pay or we walk away.
Oh, oh, oh stop here please.
What do we want?
WOMEN: Equal pay.
When do we want it?
Yesterday.
Tony, Tony, good luck.
Tony, Tony, good luck.
Give that baby a big kiss
from Auntie Sophie.
Get in, get in!
Go, go.
Get in, get in!
Go, go.
(CHANTING CONTINUES)
(CHANTING CONTINUES)
# I fought the law and the law won
(CHANTING CONTINUES)
# I fought the law and the law won
# I fought the law and the law won
I didn't think you would make it.
Well, I had nowhere better to be.
Come on then, you ready?
Yeah.
Come on then, you ready?
Yeah.
What do we want?
Equal pay.
When do we want it?
Yesterday.
Equal pay or we walk away!
Equal pay or we walk away!
Equal pay or we walk away!
Equal pay or we walk away!
Equal pay, equal pay.
# I needed money 'cause I had none
# I needed money 'cause I had none
# I fought the law and the law won
(WHISTLE BLOWS)
# I fought the law and the law won
Right everyone, attention please.
Right everyone, attention please.
Showing her support to the cause,
the one and only,
from off the bloody telly,
Sophie Straw!
(CHEERS & APPLAUSE)
(CHEERS & APPLAUSE)
Equal pay!
Over her Sophie.
Right, now, this march is about
us standing together.
Right, now, this march is about
us standing together.
Yes, so raise your banners high.
And remember,
this is a peaceful protests.
Yeah, we don't use our placards
to clout anyone, alright?
Yeah, we don't use our placards
to clout anyone, alright?
I mean, unless they disagree
with us. This geezer.
Let me take that.
No, get off, she was having a-
It was a joke.
No, get off, she was having a-
It was a joke.
Here, mate, mate, come on. This is
a peaceful protest, alright?
Alright?
Right, so, er What do we want?
CROWD: Equal pay.
When do we want it?
CROWD: Yesterday.
When do we want it?
CROWD: Yesterday.
# We shall over- (COUGHS)
Oh, you alright?
# We shall over- (COUGHS)
Oh, you alright?
I think I've swallowed a fly.
Oh.
# We shall overcome.
# We shall overcome.
Come on, everyone, sing with me.
# We shall overcome,
# We shall overcome,
# We shall overcome someday,
# Deep in my heart
# I do believe
# I do believe
Yes, I've made stew.
Stew for who? Stew for you?
Stew for me.So, this is the famous
rehearsal room?
Stew for me.So, this is the famous
rehearsal room?
Your alternate universe.
Edith.
Are you alright?
Has something happened?
Are you alright?
Has something happened?
Actually, it has, rather.
I've been offered a job.
With the CBC,
as an arts correspondent.
With the CBC,
as an arts correspondent.
It's a wonderful opportunity.
The Canadian Broadcasting
Corporation?
Yep. Isn't it a hoot?
Would you like some tea?
Yes, please.
So, you're emigrating to Canada,
with Vernon?
Canada, yes, Vernon, no.
Canada, yes, Vernon, no.
It's rather as if I've woken from
some sort of hallucination.
It's rather as if I've woken from
some sort of hallucination.
I'm so sorry, Dennis.
For which bit?
For which bit?
Sort of, all of it.
I've rather made a mess of things.
For Vernon Whitfield.
For Vernon Whitfield.
Well, I recall you telling me
that Vernon was
an intellectual leviathan
that Vernon was
an intellectual leviathan
that made you feel like Aphrodite.
Vernon is an absolute horse's cock.
I suppose I was flattered
that he wanted to hear my opinions.
In fact, he just wanted to hear his
opinions repeated back to him by me.
In fact, he just wanted to hear his
opinions repeated back to him by me.
(KNOCKING)
Can I, er?
Can I, er?
So, go on then.
I'm assuming you've come all the way
down here to read me the riot act
for what I said,
which was the truth,
and was gonna come out anyways.
No, no, I came here to thank you.
and was gonna come out anyways.
No, no, I came here to thank you.
You see, I've been living under
a cloud of shame since I left
you and, you know, George.
you and, you know, George.
And I probably brought it on myself,
but people can be very unkind.
Your words
..they released me.
Sorry, I've got to get ready.
I just wanted to say that
I just wanted to say that
I just wanted to say I admire you,
that's all.
You've done so much.
Yeah, maybe too much.
(GAGS)
Does perfume go off?
Urgh.
You alright?
You alright?
What?
Nothing. I, uh
Nothing. I, uh
Oh love.
I'm not gonna ask you who he is,
but
..does he know?
Nobody knows.
I thought it couldn't be true.
He's married.
And
And the divorce is going
to take three years.
And I've ruined everything.
Including my career.
They'll sack me if they find out.
I thought it would be rather good
to be as far away as possible
I thought it would be rather good
to be as far away as possible
from my impossibly pious parents.
I can start again where no one
knows me,
say goodbye to Mrs Mahindra,
say goodbye to Mrs Mahindra,
and hello to plain old
Edith Claybourne-Featherstone,
single girl. What do you think?
Edith
..are you allowing me
to divorce you?
You didn't start this war.
You didn't start this war.
And that funny girl
really loves you.
Listen, I know this is none of
my business, but
.times are very different now.
And if this isn't right for you, you
do not have to go through with it.
I'll stand by you.
I will help you.
I will help you.
If you'll let me.
You love him, don't you?
Maybe you should tell him.
It's a tough road, and while I
It's a tough road, and while I
..wish I'd done things differently,
I don't regret it.
I don't regret it.
How could I regret having you?
(UPBEAT MUSIC)
(CHATTER)
(UPBEAT MUSIC)
(CHATTER)
(MUSIC FADES, ENDS)
(KNOCKING)
(MUSIC FADES, ENDS)
(KNOCKING)
Dennis?
Oh, hiya.
Hey Sophie.
Oh, hiya.
Hey Sophie.
Is it alright if we, er
if we do a line run?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, course. Course.
So, I say,
So, I say,
'Hiya, I've- I've come
about the rented spare room.
I'd like to take a look, please.'
And then I say, 'How do you know
about the spare room?
And then I say, 'How do you know
about the spare room?
'Cause it hasn't been-
hasn't been magasize- it hasn't.
'Cause it hasn't been-
hasn't been magasize- it hasn't.
It hasn't been advertised yet!'
Oh my god, shit, sorry Soph,
I mean, I sound like-
I feel like I'm eating cake.
Do I sound like I'm eating cake?
(KNOCKING)
Or glue?Dennis?
Hey.
Greta.
Yeah, just doing some lines.
Um I was just hoping for
a quiet word with-
Um I was just hoping for
a quiet word with-
Oh, OK, yes.
Oh, OK, yes.
Me, me too. Um, Den, um
Barbara? Oh Barbara! Sophie. Sorry,
Barbara. Barbara, Barbara, Barbara.
(LAUGHS) I'm so sorry if I'm
intruding, I just wanted to say
I read that article
by your friend Diane.
Oh, Barbara, thank you
for saying such lovely things.
Oh, Barbara, thank you
for saying such lovely things.
I did my best.
You know, when you left, I felt
like a bit of me went missing.
A kidney or a liver or something,
I don't know, a gallstone, a spleen?
What is a spleen?
I don't know what I'm saying.
What is a spleen?
I don't know what I'm saying.
I've been like a watering can
ever since I read it!
Oh, come here you big dafty.
Right.
My only quibble with Diane's article
was her description of my hat.
My only quibble with Diane's article
was her description of my hat.
Right.
Now, the one I wore when she met me
was my second-best hat,
but tonight-
Well, tonight,
you look like the Queen.
Well, tonight,
you look like the Queen.
Oh, Barbara, do I?
Yeah.
Dennis.
Yes.
I wanted to-
Flowers for Miss Straw
from a Mr Mark Allen in Los Angeles.
from a Mr Mark Allen in Los Angeles.
Barbara they're beautiful.
I'll put them in the sink.
BILL: Wait, Tony.
Oh hello.
Tony! And?
I've got a little goddaughter!
Tony! And?
I've got a little goddaughter!
(SQUEALS)
Is there a name?
Yeah, we're gonna call her Bill.
No, we're not, definitely.
Oh, congratulations Tone.
Dennis.
Congratulations Tony.
Dennis.
Congratulations Tony.
(EXCITED CHATTER)
Dennis. I have something I need
to tell you. I have
Dennis. I have something I need
to tell you. I have
I need to practice, I need to
practice. It's just me here
Ladies and gentlemen
ALL: It's showtime!
ALL: It's showtime!
# Wanda Jackson: Funnel of Love #
It's showtime.
# Here I go
Falling down, down, down
# Here I go
Falling down, down, down
# My mind is blank
# My head is spinning around
and around
# As I go deep into
the funnel of love
# As I go deep into
the funnel of love
# It's such a crazy,
crazy feeling
Welcome to Flat Birds!
(APPLAUSE)
Thank you for coming. Thank you.
Thank you for coming. Thank you.
(WOLF WHISTLE)
Oh, I see the vicar's in.
(LAUGHTER)
(MUSIC FADES, ENDS)
Anyway, this is a situation comedy.
Anyway, this is a situation comedy.
It's a little bit about my life.
I tipped up here without a bob
in my pocket or a plan in my head.
I tipped up here without a bob
in my pocket or a plan in my head.
I just wanted to muck about
and make people laugh.
And I was encouraged to do that
by one man in particular,
And I was encouraged to do that
by one man in particular,
who made me laugh every day.
Having you in my corner
Having you in my corner
..it's all the dad I ever needed.
(GENTLE SOMBRE MUSIC)
Oh, enough said of that,
or I'll smudge my mascara!
(LAUGHS) Right let's do this,
shall we? Enjoy, everyone!
(LAUGHS) Right let's do this,
shall we? Enjoy, everyone!
(APPLAUSE)
Alright, let's take it from the top,
please.
Alright, let's take it from the top,
please.
Rolling to record.
And good luck, studio.
Good luck studio.
Five, four, three
Come on, Greta, you can do it.
Who puts pepper in a pancake?
I do.
Who puts pepper in a pancake?
I do.
(SNEEZES) Oh, sorry. Here,
give me that, I'm good at flipping.
Camera two next.
Camera two next.
(SPLAT)
BOTH: Oh, flipping heck.
(LAUGHTER)
(KNOCKING)
It's the ruddy landlord!
I'm not meant to have lodgers!
It's the ruddy landlord!
I'm not meant to have lodgers!
Hide!(KNOCKING)
(APPLAUSE)
Greetings, Marcia.
Greetings, Marcia.
Here to do my customary check
for underwear - wear and tear.
Now?
Yes. It's like a knicker museum!
(LAUGHTER)
Yes. It's like a knicker museum!
(LAUGHTER)
(SNEEZES)
(GASPS)
There's someone else in the flat.
There's someone else in the flat.
Now, you know the rules
about gentleman callers.
I do hope that
there's been no heavy petting.
I do hope that
there's been no heavy petting.
Oh, no, Mr Travis, no,
nothing like that.
I I, uh, it's my mother.
Mother?
(LAUGHTER)
Mother?
(LAUGHTER)
I would very much like
to meet your mother. Yes.
Your mother?
What's wrong with your sister?
Your mother?
What's wrong with your sister?
Oh, where do I start?
(LAUGHTER)
Aftershave on the nob, tick.
She's Spanish, she doesn't speak
a word of English, so she can't
talk to you, Mr Travis, I'm afraid.
(LAUGHTER)
talk to you, Mr Travis, I'm afraid.
(LAUGHTER)
Hello, my duckie,
alright my old China?
You're lovely.
You're lovely.
Enchante, so beautiful.
Oh, don't kiss me, Mr Travis.
Why don't you give our
Marcia a kiss?
Why don't you give our
Marcia a kiss?
She ain't had a kiss in years.
(LAUGHTER)
Ow!
Sorry, sorry.
Did Greta just slap
Rodney in the face?
Oh my god.
She's completely out of her depth.
You keep- is it -
That's the slap. Don't do that.
OK.
That's the slap. Don't do that.
OK.
Can we do it- Dennis, sorry,
can we just do it one more time?
Alright, one more time, please.
Steady on camera three.
Alright, one more time, please.
Steady on camera three.
She ain't had a kiss in years.
Oh, Mr Travis,
you'll have to ignore my mother.
She's been on the sherry,
so she's half cut.
She's been on the sherry,
so she's half cut.
Half cut? Well, maybe I could
take you both dancing.
Mother can't, because of her-
well, 'cause of her leg.
What's wrong with her leg?
Well, it's-
What's wrong with her leg?
Well, it's-
She's dried.
Oh shit.
What's wrong with her leg?
Well
Is this part of it?
Well it's- it's haunted!
She's got a haunted leg!
Well it's- it's haunted!
She's got a haunted leg!
A haunted leg?
And now she's gone off script.
A rank amateur.
Woo!
(LAUGHTER)
Woo!
(LAUGHTER)
Soph's pulled a haunted leg out
of the bag.Oh.
Soph's pulled a haunted leg out
of the bag.Oh.
(LAUGHTER)
I'm going,
I'll be back to do gussets,
I mean fittings.
I'll be back to do gussets,
I mean fittings.
And to think for a moment,
I thought you had an illegal lodger.
(LAUGHTER)
Now, shame, I never did get
that pancake.
(SPLAT)
(OOHS AND LAUGHTER)
(SPLAT)
(OOHS AND LAUGHTER)
Sugar! Lemon!
Here ya go.
(LAUGHTER)
Out you get Mr Travis.
Else that ghost will get ya.
Bye Mr Travis.
(APPLAUSE)
You were so good.
Alright, let's set up
for the next scene, please.
Alright. What was that? OK now,
oh, do you want to go?
Alright. What was that? OK now,
oh, do you want to go?
I'm just- I'm gonna need a second,
I'm just gonna need a second.
What's happening?
Where's- where's she gone?
Hm?
Greta, are you alright?
Greta, are you alright?
I can't do this, I'm letting
you down. I'm not an actor.
No, no, no, no,
you're not letting me down.
You don't have to be anyone else,
just be you. You're brilliant.
You don't have to be anyone else,
just be you. You're brilliant.
I'm not. Everyone's thinking, 'Why
is she giving this barmaid a part?
What are you doing here?'
I dunno, I just thought
I'd be better.
Are you OK?
Oh yeah, I just think
that aftershave is-
Ladies and gentlemen,
if you just give us a moment,
Ladies and gentlemen,
if you just give us a moment,
we will resume filming shortly.
Thank you.
(CROWD MUTTERING)
Do you feel sick again?
Soph?
Are you-
Oh god OK, that's OK. That's OK.
Oh god OK, that's OK. That's OK.
I won't tell anyone, I promise.
Let's go out there, we'll do the
show, we'll-
Knockers and gnashers, baby.
Knockers and gnashers, baby.
We'll do the show, it's gonna be all
fine, everything's gonna be fine.
Yeah, we'll do it together.
We'll do it together.Come on.OK.
(APPLAUSE)
(APPLAUSE)
So, what was that all about, hm?
About five minutes of
buttock-clenching agony.
About five minutes of
buttock-clenching agony.
Cue the music, please.
# Summer Cha Cha #
# Summer Cha Cha #
(LAUGHTER)
(DRUM ROLL)
(CYMBAL CRASH)
(DRUM ROLL, CRASH)
(DRUM ROLL, CRASH)
(MUSIC CONTINUES)
(TRUMPETS FLARE)
Ow!
(GRUMBLING)
(GRUMBLING)
(CHA CHA MUSIC CONTINUES)
(LAUGHTER)
(MUSIC SWELLS, ENDS)
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
(LIGHT, UPBEAT MUSIC)
(LIGHT, UPBEAT MUSIC)
Rather good.
Rather good.
(MUSIC FADES, ENDS)
(MUSIC FADES, ENDS)
I think we can call
that a flat-out success.
Ted.
Congratulations.
It really could
not have gone any better.
It really could
not have gone any better.
Possibly the biggest success
of my career, and yours.
I think we should get stuck
into the series straight away.
I think we should get stuck
into the series straight away.
It's a winning formula.
I'm, oh, I'm alright, thanks, Ted.
I thought you were teetotal.
Mm.
(COUGHS) Well, special occasion.
You know, when I took this job on,
I did imagine many such
champagne moments.(KNOCKING)
Sadly they've been few
and far between.
Sadly they've been few
and far between.
Um
..two things.
Firstly, well played for tonight.
..two things.
Firstly, well played for tonight.
You were- you were amazing.
(LOW, GENTLE MUSIC)
(LAUGHS) Thank you.
And secondly
..Edith has agreed to the divorce.
(HICCUPS)
(MUSIC FADES, ENDS)
Ted.
Mm.
Ah. Well, (CLEARS THROAT)
I will leave you to it.
That's so great about Edith, but
Den, um
That's so great about Edith, but
Den, um
Sophie?
I'm having a baby.
We're having a baby.
(LOW GENTLE MUSIC)
(LOW GENTLE MUSIC)
We're having a baby?
We're having a baby.
No, you're not.
You cannot have a baby.
No, you're not.
You cannot have a baby.
Corporate regulations forbid
any unmarried expectant woman
to appear on television.
Oh no, wait a moment.
(KNOCKING)
Bill!
Shh! Baby Bill is sleeping.
Oh!
(LOW CHATTER)
Everyone.
Shh!
Some congratulations are in order.
Firstly, a hit show.
Firstly, a hit show.
(QUIET CELEBRATIONS)
Secondly, to the
very-soon-to-be-married
Mr and Mrs Mahindra.
(GASPS/CROSS TALK)
Mr and Mrs Mahindra.
(GASPS/CROSS TALK)
Are you joking?
(EXCITED CHATTER)
And also one more thing,
one more thing.
Their unexpected,
but very welcome, new arrival.
Their unexpected,
but very welcome, new arrival.
What? Oh!
Oh, Soph!
Oh, Soph!
(HUSHED EXCITED CHATTER)
Dennis the daddy?
Dennis, Dennis how soon do
you think you can tie the knot?
I can get Eunice to sort out
a registrar,
I can get Eunice to sort out
a registrar,
but we should probably do it soon.
No, no, no. Everyone, everyone,
everyone, stop, stop, stop!
Dennis, I really love you.
Dennis, I really love you.
But it should be our decision.
We shouldn't be Mr and Mrs anybody
just to keep a corporation happy.
Well, in that case,
I'm sorry to say
..we will be doing the show
without you.
Oh, come on, mate, what!?
You can't do that.
Can they?
Flat Birds was Sophie's idea.
Flat Birds was Sophie's idea.
And Bill, and the other one.
You're shitting me!
She wrote it with us, Ted.
Actual words, funny lines,
her voice is all over it.
Actual words, funny lines,
her voice is all over it.
Yeah, she's the heart and soul.
Ted, we're onto a winning formula.
You said it.
Imagine how great it would feel
Imagine how great it would feel
to be part of a ground-breaking
female sitcom about pregnancy,
and single mums,
and friends like Greta,
and single mums,
and friends like Greta,
and Diane, Marj, Bill, Tony, and all
of us who don't fit the mould.
A show that one day people can look
back on and say,
'That show changed my life.'
# Nina Simone: Sinnerman #
# Nina Simone: Sinnerman #
You want me to bend the rules?
# Oh, sinnerman,
where you gonna run to?
# Sinnerman, where you gonna run to?
No, I want you to break them.
No, I want you to break them.
# Where you gonna run to?
# All on that day
# I cried power
# I cried power
# Power
# Power
(power Lord)
# Power
(power Lord)
# Power
(power Lord)
# Power
(power Lord)
# Power
(power Lord)
# Power
(power Lord)
# Power
(power Lord)
# Power
(power Lord)
# Power
(power Lord)
(LOW, SOMBRE MUSIC)
You lied to me, my whole life.
Don't blame him.
I'll blame who I like!
You're as bad as each other.
I'll blame who I like!
You're as bad as each other.
We did what we thought was best.
Oh, the best being to cover it up,
in the hope that I'd never find out?
Oh, the best being to cover it up,
in the hope that I'd never find out?
We didn't know you were
gonna be famous.
Speak for yourself.
I mean, we didn't know the papers
were gonna come digging.
And- and that's the reason
why you're telling me now,
And- and that's the reason
why you're telling me now,
because- because you've
been found out?
That's heroic.
Well, what could I do?
You stood there, while people said,
'Oh George, she's got your eyes,
she's got your smile,
she's got your sense of humour.'
she's got your smile,
she's got your sense of humour.'
I wanted it to be true.
I wanted to believe in unicorns!
(MUSIC CONTINUES)
(MUSIC CONTINUES)
(SNIFFLES)
I'm struggling to understand
why you didn't tell me.
I thought that if you knew
..I wasn't your
..dad
..that I would lose you.
Well, you've lost me anyway.
You can see yourselves out.
# ..nothing left to feel
# ..nothing left to feel
# You don't have to say you love me
# Just be close at hand
# Just be close at hand
# You don't have to stay forever
# I will understand
# Believe me, believe me
# You don't have to say you love me
# You don't have to say you love me
# Just be close at hand #
Right, pancake day.
Let's get it on its feet.
Right, pancake day.
Let's get it on its feet.
OK, I'm on my feet.
Should we wait for Sophie?
Should we wait for Sophie?
She'll be along.
Excuse me, sir.
Please, can I ask you a bit of
a stupid question?
Please, call me Dennis,
and there are no stupid questions.
How do you get to make the furniture
and people all small,
How do you get to make the furniture
and people all small,
so you can squeeze us
into the television?
I love Greta.
(CHUCKLING)
She gets him every time.
Ah. Yeah.
She gets him every time.
Ah. Yeah.
Sorry, couldn't resist.
Actually, I still don't know
how it works. (LAUGHS)
Soph.
Morning Soph.Morning.
We need a pancake. Bill,
please may we borrow your hat?
We need a pancake. Bill,
please may we borrow your hat?
I'm not putting my titfer in that
manky pan.(LAUGHTER)
We've gotta use something.
Oh, hang on.
Oh, hang on.
Voila.
Are they what I think they are?
Why have you got your knickers
in your bag?
Why have you got your knickers
in your bag?
You never know when you'll need
a clean pair. Do you, Soph?
Oh, you are joking.
See? My mum always said,
'Always carry a spare pair.
See? My mum always said,
'Always carry a spare pair.
Always.' Did your mum say that?
My auntie.
'You could be caught in
an earthquake,
'You could be caught in
an earthquake,
you could be struck by lightning.'
Yeah, right,
and just your pants fall off?
Well, stranger things have happened.
Well, stranger things have happened.
Have they though?
(LAUGHTER)
Sophie, could you help me
look at the next scene?
This brewed about an hour ago,
it's strong as anything,
look at that.
look at that.
I could be anybody.
If he's not me dad, am I even funny?
I don't know who I am.
(CRYING)
Sorry.
Sorry.
Sorry.
(LOW, SOMBRE MUSIC)
We don't have to do this today
if you don't want to.
No, come on, Dennis.
We've got work to do.
Right, come on, lads,
let's crack on. It's pancake day!
# Land of 1000 Dances #
So, here she is with her pan
in one hand and an iron
So, here she is with her pan
in one hand and an iron
in the other,
and Barbara calls out-
Don't forget to toss it!
Right, but she tosses the iron
Right, but she tosses the iron
..and she smashes Barbara's
favourite lamp.
Barbara enters with a towel
on her head, and she says -
Is everything alright?
Smashing.
Good enough for you?
Not bad.
(MUSIC ENDS)
We weren't expecting you
until this afternoon.
Ted's our comedy boss.
Oh, I see. Great casting.
'I'm very stern,
I'm the boss of TV.'
In real life!
The head of light entertainment.
Yes, this is Greta Walker.
Nice to meet you, Greta.
Nice to meet you, Greta.
Nice to meet you also,
Your Lordship.
Well, do carry on.
Well, do carry on.
Um, I'm confused.
Um, I'm confused.
Which of them is meant to be
the straight one?
There isn't a straight one.
I'm not entirely sure the public
are going to wear that.
I'm not entirely sure the public
are going to wear that.
Two funny women?
Nothing has changed.
I now issue a call to arms.
CROWD: Yes!
I now issue a call to arms.
CROWD: Yes!
Just to clarify,
arms in the air to vote, that is.
Not shooters, Susan.
(LAUGHTER)
Not shooters, Susan.
(LAUGHTER)
If you agree to strike action,
raise them high!
(CHEERS)
Oh, hello. What's this?
It's a termination
of employment notice.
I've been let go.
I've been let go.
Gosh. I wasn't expecting that.
(LAUGHS)
Oh dear.
Oh no.
(LOW, SOMBRE MUSIC)
Yeah, so, um
.if management think that they can
silence us by silencing
our union rep,
then they can have another think.
On top of that think.
We will continue to fight,
in the name of our fearless leader,
Miss- what is your first name?
Minky.
Minky?
Blimey.
Right. In the name of our fearless
leader, Miss Minky Sykes.
(APPLAUSE)
(APPLAUSE)
Women all over are speaking out,
so let's join together with them
and march to Trafalgar Square.
so let's join together with them
and march to Trafalgar Square.
(APPLAUSE)
Ta.
Oh, hello. What you doing here?
Actually, I was hoping to buy
you a little snifter.
Give you a chance to tell
your side of things.
Give you a chance to tell
your side of things.
My side of things about what?
Well, you know.
About your background.
I'm Barbara Parker from Blackpool.
Everyone knows I changed my name.
Yes, but they don't know your real,
real name, do they?
Yet.
Yet.
It's you.
Me and your mum had
a lovely little chat.
Me and your mum had
a lovely little chat.
You've absolutely no right
to talk to my family.
It must have been hard,
carrying that shame all these years.
It must have been hard,
carrying that shame all these years.
So, yeah, shall we have
a little drinkie? I'm gasping.
Most of the pubs on Fleet Street
won't serve women.
Most of the pubs on Fleet Street
won't serve women.
Won't serve women,
or won't serve you?
Why are you coming after me?
Well, the public have the right
to know the truth about a big TV
Well, the public have the right
to know the truth about a big TV
star like you. You're meant
to be the girl next door.
That's a lie.
Oh, suit yourself.
You've got my number.
Oh, suit yourself.
You've got my number.
Give me a call.
I'd much rather hear the words
from your mouth than have to
fill in the blanks myself.
Hello, you.
Hiya,
how was playtime with
your funny friends?
how was playtime with
your funny friends?
It's different now Bill's back.
Yeah? Good different?
Sort of.
Working with Soph, I've-
I've realised I can actually write
Working with Soph, I've-
I've realised I can actually write
jokes without Bill.
You actually alright?
Tone?
Uh?
Tone?
Uh?
Every time you ask me that, I think
you're asking if you're alright.
Are you alright?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
No.
No.
I- I'm not, really.
I've just been thinking about
the future again, and I'm feeling-
I've just been thinking about
the future again, and I'm feeling-
Sweaty? Anxious? Convinced you're
having a heart attack?
What if this whole baby thing-
Wait?
We're having a baby?
We're having a baby?
That's a good call-back.
No, what if it's
..something that I just can't do?
Look, one day soon, right,
a baby's gonna come out of my vagina
and we're gonna do our very best,
whatever that best may be.
and we're gonna do our very best,
whatever that best may be.
And if it doesn't work
..we'll try another best.
..we'll try another best.
You are a diamond.
(GENTLE MUSIC)
(GENTLE MUSIC)
Well, I'm not gonna argue with that.
Darling, how wonderful.
What an unexpected pleasure.
Darling, how wonderful.
What an unexpected pleasure.
Hi, Pea. Busy day at court?
Well, I spent the morning defending
a little gangland shooting.
Well, I spent the morning defending
a little gangland shooting.
Why have you still got
your robes on?
Oh, well I spent the afternoon
having spine-tingling sex
with Charlie.
He loves it when I wear my robes.
with Charlie.
He loves it when I wear my robes.
At least someone's having fun.
Oh.
Hello again.
Hiya Charlie.You alright?
Hello again.
Hiya Charlie.You alright?
Oh. Crikey.
Oop.
Listen, I know we shouldn't
objectify the male form,
Listen, I know we shouldn't
objectify the male form,
but yum, am I right?
Oh, that's cheered me up
a bit actually.
Now, look, god knows I love
an impromptu party,
but you lot look about as festive as
a bunch of bad professional mourners
but you lot look about as festive as
a bunch of bad professional mourners
at an East End wake. What gives?
(OVERLAPPING CHATTER)
Order! Order! Order!
Order! Order! Order!
Sit down. One pathetic bleat
at a time, please.
Sit down. One pathetic bleat
at a time, please.
Sophie.
Your friend, that bloody Lynda Jay,
she's got a story on my parents,
and she says if I don't do
an exclusive interview with her,
then she's going to make it up.
then she's going to make it up.
And if it comes out,
then I'm ruined.
That hack Lynda Jay is
no friend of mine.
Well, I can have this Lynda lady
taken out if you like, Soph.
Oh, that is very sweet, Charlie,
but I can't condone violence.
Oh, that is very sweet, Charlie,
but I can't condone violence.
Although a judicious kneecapping can
send quite a strong message.
(GASPS) No!
No? No.
(GASPS) No!
No? No.
No. No, no, no, no, no.
Crikey.
So, I suggest we scoop her.
Crikey.
So, I suggest we scoop her.
Like an ice cream?
Do the story before Lynda Jay does.
If only we knew a top-notch
journalist.
If only we knew a top-notch
journalist.
Me?
Yes!
Why are we just sitting around
waiting for lairy Lynda
Why are we just sitting around
waiting for lairy Lynda
to drop a bomb on Sophie's life,
when Diane could do an exclusive?
But what would we be saying?
We wouldn't be saying anything.
You would.
Yeah, Diane could write it down,
all brainy and thenExactly.
Yeah, Diane could write it down,
all brainy and thenExactly.
But- but what if the story comes out
and I still get the sack?
Well, that would be
the risk either way.
Well, that would be
the risk either way.
But at least this way you'd be
telling your truth,
your whole truth,
and nothing but your truth.
Let's do it.
(SOFT UPBEAT MUSIC)
Let's do it.
(SOFT UPBEAT MUSIC)
Yes. Good.
My words, my way.
Oh goodie.
(LAUGHTER)
Oh goodie.
(LAUGHTER)
(MUSIC FADES, ENDS)
So Sophie, do you wanna find
your real father?
Find out who you are?
Maybe one day I'll go looking.
But, oh, I don't know, maybe
But, oh, I don't know, maybe
Maybe my story is about
the family I had,
Maybe my story is about
the family I had,
and not the family I didn't have.
There's only one place to start.
(DIALLING)
(LOW, SOMBRE MUSIC)
It was the war.
Gloria and I were courting.
It was the war.
Gloria and I were courting.
My regiment went off to fight.
The Americans flew in.
GIs looking like movie stars.
GIs looking like movie stars.
You know, overpaid,
oversexed, and over here.
And he swept your mother
off her feet.
I came back home to marry
my sweetheart.
But she was pregnant?
Ah, soldier boy ditched her.
Ah, soldier boy ditched her.
He had a wife back home.
The public shaming would've ruined
her.
The public shaming would've ruined
her.
Love's funny though, isn't it?
It starts out like a fairy-tale.
And once upon a time
..I loved her.
But, you know, she was always
searching for something.
She left me anyway.
Sophie, when people read this,
they might judge you.
Sophie, when people read this,
they might judge you.
They might be shocked,
disgusted even.
So, why speak out?
I'm speaking out because-
Because there is
a revolution going on.
Because we have to speak out.
Hello. Hello.
Because we have to speak out.
Hello. Hello.
This is Marjorie Harrison
from shoes,
and if Sophie would effing well come
on this equal pay march with us,
and if Sophie would effing well come
on this equal pay march with us,
then people would have to sit up
and listen.
Marjorie, stop disrupting!
No, Marj is right.
There is a revolution going on.
No, Marj is right.
There is a revolution going on.
And I won't live my life like
my mother did,
hiding in the shadows
in fear of being found out.
This story is mine, and no one is
going to tell is but me.
# Edwin Starr: Headline News #
# Extra, extra, read all about it
# Extra, extra, read all about it
# Extra, extra, read all about it
# I wanna spread news all around
# I wanna spread news all around
# I found a love that I've been
looking for
# Now I don't have to look no more
# And it's headline news
# Don't you head them say it
# Extra, extra, read all about it
# Extra, extra, read all about it
# Extra, extra, read all about it
# Extra, extra, read all about it
# Extra, extra, read all about it
# Extra, extra, read all about it
Careful, that one-armed bandit,
it's a money pit.
George, get in here.
(MUSIC FADES)
This article opens the door to
Hollywood. Your dad was a GI?
That's instant dual citizenship
and a green card.
But I don't think I'm ready
to come to Hollywood just yet.
But I don't think I'm ready
to come to Hollywood just yet.
Don't tell me you still wanna do
your little TV comedy show?
If Ted Sargent hasn't blown a fuse
at the news and cancelled it.
If Ted Sargent hasn't blown a fuse
at the news and cancelled it.
Have you seen this?
# She brings out the best in me
# Lights me up like
a Christmas tree
# Lights me up like
a Christmas tree
Oh dear god.
Is she actively trying to break me?
# It's headline news
No. I think she's wonderful.
No. I think she's wonderful.
(SOFT MUSIC)
We're gonna need more fruit.
This iron's pretty heavy.
(GRUNTS)
Oh, that got me right there.
Oh, that got me right there.
Your tummy?
In my baby maker.
Funny sound effect there.
Oh yeah.
Go on, a bit of jazz.
The, uh, double base tights.
Go on, a bit of jazz.
The, uh, double base tights.
Lost a string.
(LAUGHTER)
(MUSIC ENDS)
(LAUGHTER)
(MUSIC ENDS)
Right. Now all we need to do is
finish the bloody thing.
Alright, Dennis.
It's good.
Oh god, I'm so sorry,
I've got to go.
Oh god, I'm so sorry,
I've got to go.
What? Where?
Never ask a woman that.
She might tell you.
Let me.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Oh, um, I read the article.
I'm proud of you.
Thank you.
(GENTLE MUSIC)
Excuse me. Hello.
Oh, hello.
I read the papers. I thought you
were awfully brave to
I read the papers. I thought you
were awfully brave to
Oh, well, well thank you.
..tell your story your way
and not let the tabloids
dictate the narrative.
and not let the tabloids
dictate the narrative.
I daresay I've made certain
assumptions.
Look, I'm sorry
it's all been so bloody.
Look, I'm sorry
it's all been so bloody.
I met Dennis
when I was at university.
He was the second man I ever kissed,
first I ever loved.
He was the second man I ever kissed,
first I ever loved.
Just kids, really.
I understand.
He's still your husband.
I want you to know,
I'm not making things difficult
for the sake of it.
I'm not making things difficult
for the sake of it.
What is it that you want?
I
I just want him to be happy.
(ELEVATOR DINGS)
(ELEVATOR DINGS)
(PHONE RINGING)
Hello, Battersea Dogs Home.
Hello, Battersea Dogs Home.
(HOWLS & BARKS)
Yes, yes, yes, no, don't worry,
I'll tell him.
Tone? Yeah, that was the hospital.
Apparently June's broken some water.
Oh
Apparently June's broken some water.
Oh
Right chaps, let's go.
Yes, come on Tone. Come on Tony.
# Bobby Fuller Four:
I Fought The Law #
# Bobby Fuller Four:
I Fought The Law #
Come on. Now. Come on.
Oh wait, I need, I need my,
uh, my typing.
Oh wait, I need, I need my,
uh, my typing.
I forgot my camera. Bye Greta.
# A-breakin' rocks in the hot sun
# A-breakin' rocks in the hot sun
# I fought the law and the law won
# I fought the law and the law won
We're having a baby!
(CLAMOUR)
We're having a baby!
(CLAMOUR)
# I needed money 'cause I had none
Suger, Tone, sugar.
# I needed money 'cause I had none
Suger, Tone, sugar.
# I fought the law and the law won
Taxi!
Oh my god, Dennis! Dennis!
St Joseph's, Maternity Wing.
What, are you delivering a baby?
And a television show.
I can't get out.
Come on Tony.
Oh my god, Tony!
Alright, here we go.
We're having a baby.
Alright, interior, day.
Barbara is in the kitchen.
What if she really is having a baby?
Barbara is in the kitchen.
What if she really is having a baby?
What are you talking about?
Barbara's not even pregnant!
I'm talking about June!
Shush!
Shush, calm. Deep breaths now.
Shush, calm. Deep breaths now.
BOTH: What do we want, equal pay,
when do we want it, yesterday.
What do we want?
WOMEN Equal pay.
When do we want it?
WOMEN: Now.
No, yesterday, we want it yesterday.
No, yesterday, we want it yesterday.
What do we want?
Equal pay.
When do we want it?
Yesterday.
Equal pay or we walk away.
NEWS: The advice avoiding Trafalgar
Square, where a large number
NEWS: The advice avoiding Trafalgar
Square, where a large number
of women are congregating
to demonstrate.
# I fought the law and the law won
By the time we get to the hospital
the baby will be in primary school!
By the time we get to the hospital
the baby will be in primary school!
CROWD: Equal pay or we walk away,
equal pay or we walk away.
Oh, oh, oh stop here please.
What do we want?
WOMEN: Equal pay.
When do we want it?
Yesterday.
Tony, Tony, good luck.
Tony, Tony, good luck.
Give that baby a big kiss
from Auntie Sophie.
Get in, get in!
Go, go.
Get in, get in!
Go, go.
(CHANTING CONTINUES)
(CHANTING CONTINUES)
# I fought the law and the law won
(CHANTING CONTINUES)
# I fought the law and the law won
# I fought the law and the law won
I didn't think you would make it.
Well, I had nowhere better to be.
Come on then, you ready?
Yeah.
Come on then, you ready?
Yeah.
What do we want?
Equal pay.
When do we want it?
Yesterday.
Equal pay or we walk away!
Equal pay or we walk away!
Equal pay or we walk away!
Equal pay or we walk away!
Equal pay, equal pay.
# I needed money 'cause I had none
# I needed money 'cause I had none
# I fought the law and the law won
(WHISTLE BLOWS)
# I fought the law and the law won
Right everyone, attention please.
Right everyone, attention please.
Showing her support to the cause,
the one and only,
from off the bloody telly,
Sophie Straw!
(CHEERS & APPLAUSE)
(CHEERS & APPLAUSE)
Equal pay!
Over her Sophie.
Right, now, this march is about
us standing together.
Right, now, this march is about
us standing together.
Yes, so raise your banners high.
And remember,
this is a peaceful protests.
Yeah, we don't use our placards
to clout anyone, alright?
Yeah, we don't use our placards
to clout anyone, alright?
I mean, unless they disagree
with us. This geezer.
Let me take that.
No, get off, she was having a-
It was a joke.
No, get off, she was having a-
It was a joke.
Here, mate, mate, come on. This is
a peaceful protest, alright?
Alright?
Right, so, er What do we want?
CROWD: Equal pay.
When do we want it?
CROWD: Yesterday.
When do we want it?
CROWD: Yesterday.
# We shall over- (COUGHS)
Oh, you alright?
# We shall over- (COUGHS)
Oh, you alright?
I think I've swallowed a fly.
Oh.
# We shall overcome.
# We shall overcome.
Come on, everyone, sing with me.
# We shall overcome,
# We shall overcome,
# We shall overcome someday,
# Deep in my heart
# I do believe
# I do believe
Yes, I've made stew.
Stew for who? Stew for you?
Stew for me.So, this is the famous
rehearsal room?
Stew for me.So, this is the famous
rehearsal room?
Your alternate universe.
Edith.
Are you alright?
Has something happened?
Are you alright?
Has something happened?
Actually, it has, rather.
I've been offered a job.
With the CBC,
as an arts correspondent.
With the CBC,
as an arts correspondent.
It's a wonderful opportunity.
The Canadian Broadcasting
Corporation?
Yep. Isn't it a hoot?
Would you like some tea?
Yes, please.
So, you're emigrating to Canada,
with Vernon?
Canada, yes, Vernon, no.
Canada, yes, Vernon, no.
It's rather as if I've woken from
some sort of hallucination.
It's rather as if I've woken from
some sort of hallucination.
I'm so sorry, Dennis.
For which bit?
For which bit?
Sort of, all of it.
I've rather made a mess of things.
For Vernon Whitfield.
For Vernon Whitfield.
Well, I recall you telling me
that Vernon was
an intellectual leviathan
that Vernon was
an intellectual leviathan
that made you feel like Aphrodite.
Vernon is an absolute horse's cock.
I suppose I was flattered
that he wanted to hear my opinions.
In fact, he just wanted to hear his
opinions repeated back to him by me.
In fact, he just wanted to hear his
opinions repeated back to him by me.
(KNOCKING)
Can I, er?
Can I, er?
So, go on then.
I'm assuming you've come all the way
down here to read me the riot act
for what I said,
which was the truth,
and was gonna come out anyways.
No, no, I came here to thank you.
and was gonna come out anyways.
No, no, I came here to thank you.
You see, I've been living under
a cloud of shame since I left
you and, you know, George.
you and, you know, George.
And I probably brought it on myself,
but people can be very unkind.
Your words
..they released me.
Sorry, I've got to get ready.
I just wanted to say that
I just wanted to say that
I just wanted to say I admire you,
that's all.
You've done so much.
Yeah, maybe too much.
(GAGS)
Does perfume go off?
Urgh.
You alright?
You alright?
What?
Nothing. I, uh
Nothing. I, uh
Oh love.
I'm not gonna ask you who he is,
but
..does he know?
Nobody knows.
I thought it couldn't be true.
He's married.
And
And the divorce is going
to take three years.
And I've ruined everything.
Including my career.
They'll sack me if they find out.
I thought it would be rather good
to be as far away as possible
I thought it would be rather good
to be as far away as possible
from my impossibly pious parents.
I can start again where no one
knows me,
say goodbye to Mrs Mahindra,
say goodbye to Mrs Mahindra,
and hello to plain old
Edith Claybourne-Featherstone,
single girl. What do you think?
Edith
..are you allowing me
to divorce you?
You didn't start this war.
You didn't start this war.
And that funny girl
really loves you.
Listen, I know this is none of
my business, but
.times are very different now.
And if this isn't right for you, you
do not have to go through with it.
I'll stand by you.
I will help you.
I will help you.
If you'll let me.
You love him, don't you?
Maybe you should tell him.
It's a tough road, and while I
It's a tough road, and while I
..wish I'd done things differently,
I don't regret it.
I don't regret it.
How could I regret having you?
(UPBEAT MUSIC)
(CHATTER)
(UPBEAT MUSIC)
(CHATTER)
(MUSIC FADES, ENDS)
(KNOCKING)
(MUSIC FADES, ENDS)
(KNOCKING)
Dennis?
Oh, hiya.
Hey Sophie.
Oh, hiya.
Hey Sophie.
Is it alright if we, er
if we do a line run?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, course. Course.
So, I say,
So, I say,
'Hiya, I've- I've come
about the rented spare room.
I'd like to take a look, please.'
And then I say, 'How do you know
about the spare room?
And then I say, 'How do you know
about the spare room?
'Cause it hasn't been-
hasn't been magasize- it hasn't.
'Cause it hasn't been-
hasn't been magasize- it hasn't.
It hasn't been advertised yet!'
Oh my god, shit, sorry Soph,
I mean, I sound like-
I feel like I'm eating cake.
Do I sound like I'm eating cake?
(KNOCKING)
Or glue?Dennis?
Hey.
Greta.
Yeah, just doing some lines.
Um I was just hoping for
a quiet word with-
Um I was just hoping for
a quiet word with-
Oh, OK, yes.
Oh, OK, yes.
Me, me too. Um, Den, um
Barbara? Oh Barbara! Sophie. Sorry,
Barbara. Barbara, Barbara, Barbara.
(LAUGHS) I'm so sorry if I'm
intruding, I just wanted to say
I read that article
by your friend Diane.
Oh, Barbara, thank you
for saying such lovely things.
Oh, Barbara, thank you
for saying such lovely things.
I did my best.
You know, when you left, I felt
like a bit of me went missing.
A kidney or a liver or something,
I don't know, a gallstone, a spleen?
What is a spleen?
I don't know what I'm saying.
What is a spleen?
I don't know what I'm saying.
I've been like a watering can
ever since I read it!
Oh, come here you big dafty.
Right.
My only quibble with Diane's article
was her description of my hat.
My only quibble with Diane's article
was her description of my hat.
Right.
Now, the one I wore when she met me
was my second-best hat,
but tonight-
Well, tonight,
you look like the Queen.
Well, tonight,
you look like the Queen.
Oh, Barbara, do I?
Yeah.
Dennis.
Yes.
I wanted to-
Flowers for Miss Straw
from a Mr Mark Allen in Los Angeles.
from a Mr Mark Allen in Los Angeles.
Barbara they're beautiful.
I'll put them in the sink.
BILL: Wait, Tony.
Oh hello.
Tony! And?
I've got a little goddaughter!
Tony! And?
I've got a little goddaughter!
(SQUEALS)
Is there a name?
Yeah, we're gonna call her Bill.
No, we're not, definitely.
Oh, congratulations Tone.
Dennis.
Congratulations Tony.
Dennis.
Congratulations Tony.
(EXCITED CHATTER)
Dennis. I have something I need
to tell you. I have
Dennis. I have something I need
to tell you. I have
I need to practice, I need to
practice. It's just me here
Ladies and gentlemen
ALL: It's showtime!
ALL: It's showtime!
# Wanda Jackson: Funnel of Love #
It's showtime.
# Here I go
Falling down, down, down
# Here I go
Falling down, down, down
# My mind is blank
# My head is spinning around
and around
# As I go deep into
the funnel of love
# As I go deep into
the funnel of love
# It's such a crazy,
crazy feeling
Welcome to Flat Birds!
(APPLAUSE)
Thank you for coming. Thank you.
Thank you for coming. Thank you.
(WOLF WHISTLE)
Oh, I see the vicar's in.
(LAUGHTER)
(MUSIC FADES, ENDS)
Anyway, this is a situation comedy.
Anyway, this is a situation comedy.
It's a little bit about my life.
I tipped up here without a bob
in my pocket or a plan in my head.
I tipped up here without a bob
in my pocket or a plan in my head.
I just wanted to muck about
and make people laugh.
And I was encouraged to do that
by one man in particular,
And I was encouraged to do that
by one man in particular,
who made me laugh every day.
Having you in my corner
Having you in my corner
..it's all the dad I ever needed.
(GENTLE SOMBRE MUSIC)
Oh, enough said of that,
or I'll smudge my mascara!
(LAUGHS) Right let's do this,
shall we? Enjoy, everyone!
(LAUGHS) Right let's do this,
shall we? Enjoy, everyone!
(APPLAUSE)
Alright, let's take it from the top,
please.
Alright, let's take it from the top,
please.
Rolling to record.
And good luck, studio.
Good luck studio.
Five, four, three
Come on, Greta, you can do it.
Who puts pepper in a pancake?
I do.
Who puts pepper in a pancake?
I do.
(SNEEZES) Oh, sorry. Here,
give me that, I'm good at flipping.
Camera two next.
Camera two next.
(SPLAT)
BOTH: Oh, flipping heck.
(LAUGHTER)
(KNOCKING)
It's the ruddy landlord!
I'm not meant to have lodgers!
It's the ruddy landlord!
I'm not meant to have lodgers!
Hide!(KNOCKING)
(APPLAUSE)
Greetings, Marcia.
Greetings, Marcia.
Here to do my customary check
for underwear - wear and tear.
Now?
Yes. It's like a knicker museum!
(LAUGHTER)
Yes. It's like a knicker museum!
(LAUGHTER)
(SNEEZES)
(GASPS)
There's someone else in the flat.
There's someone else in the flat.
Now, you know the rules
about gentleman callers.
I do hope that
there's been no heavy petting.
I do hope that
there's been no heavy petting.
Oh, no, Mr Travis, no,
nothing like that.
I I, uh, it's my mother.
Mother?
(LAUGHTER)
Mother?
(LAUGHTER)
I would very much like
to meet your mother. Yes.
Your mother?
What's wrong with your sister?
Your mother?
What's wrong with your sister?
Oh, where do I start?
(LAUGHTER)
Aftershave on the nob, tick.
She's Spanish, she doesn't speak
a word of English, so she can't
talk to you, Mr Travis, I'm afraid.
(LAUGHTER)
talk to you, Mr Travis, I'm afraid.
(LAUGHTER)
Hello, my duckie,
alright my old China?
You're lovely.
You're lovely.
Enchante, so beautiful.
Oh, don't kiss me, Mr Travis.
Why don't you give our
Marcia a kiss?
Why don't you give our
Marcia a kiss?
She ain't had a kiss in years.
(LAUGHTER)
Ow!
Sorry, sorry.
Did Greta just slap
Rodney in the face?
Oh my god.
She's completely out of her depth.
You keep- is it -
That's the slap. Don't do that.
OK.
That's the slap. Don't do that.
OK.
Can we do it- Dennis, sorry,
can we just do it one more time?
Alright, one more time, please.
Steady on camera three.
Alright, one more time, please.
Steady on camera three.
She ain't had a kiss in years.
Oh, Mr Travis,
you'll have to ignore my mother.
She's been on the sherry,
so she's half cut.
She's been on the sherry,
so she's half cut.
Half cut? Well, maybe I could
take you both dancing.
Mother can't, because of her-
well, 'cause of her leg.
What's wrong with her leg?
Well, it's-
What's wrong with her leg?
Well, it's-
She's dried.
Oh shit.
What's wrong with her leg?
Well
Is this part of it?
Well it's- it's haunted!
She's got a haunted leg!
Well it's- it's haunted!
She's got a haunted leg!
A haunted leg?
And now she's gone off script.
A rank amateur.
Woo!
(LAUGHTER)
Woo!
(LAUGHTER)
Soph's pulled a haunted leg out
of the bag.Oh.
Soph's pulled a haunted leg out
of the bag.Oh.
(LAUGHTER)
I'm going,
I'll be back to do gussets,
I mean fittings.
I'll be back to do gussets,
I mean fittings.
And to think for a moment,
I thought you had an illegal lodger.
(LAUGHTER)
Now, shame, I never did get
that pancake.
(SPLAT)
(OOHS AND LAUGHTER)
(SPLAT)
(OOHS AND LAUGHTER)
Sugar! Lemon!
Here ya go.
(LAUGHTER)
Out you get Mr Travis.
Else that ghost will get ya.
Bye Mr Travis.
(APPLAUSE)
You were so good.
Alright, let's set up
for the next scene, please.
Alright. What was that? OK now,
oh, do you want to go?
Alright. What was that? OK now,
oh, do you want to go?
I'm just- I'm gonna need a second,
I'm just gonna need a second.
What's happening?
Where's- where's she gone?
Hm?
Greta, are you alright?
Greta, are you alright?
I can't do this, I'm letting
you down. I'm not an actor.
No, no, no, no,
you're not letting me down.
You don't have to be anyone else,
just be you. You're brilliant.
You don't have to be anyone else,
just be you. You're brilliant.
I'm not. Everyone's thinking, 'Why
is she giving this barmaid a part?
What are you doing here?'
I dunno, I just thought
I'd be better.
Are you OK?
Oh yeah, I just think
that aftershave is-
Ladies and gentlemen,
if you just give us a moment,
Ladies and gentlemen,
if you just give us a moment,
we will resume filming shortly.
Thank you.
(CROWD MUTTERING)
Do you feel sick again?
Soph?
Are you-
Oh god OK, that's OK. That's OK.
Oh god OK, that's OK. That's OK.
I won't tell anyone, I promise.
Let's go out there, we'll do the
show, we'll-
Knockers and gnashers, baby.
Knockers and gnashers, baby.
We'll do the show, it's gonna be all
fine, everything's gonna be fine.
Yeah, we'll do it together.
We'll do it together.Come on.OK.
(APPLAUSE)
(APPLAUSE)
So, what was that all about, hm?
About five minutes of
buttock-clenching agony.
About five minutes of
buttock-clenching agony.
Cue the music, please.
# Summer Cha Cha #
# Summer Cha Cha #
(LAUGHTER)
(DRUM ROLL)
(CYMBAL CRASH)
(DRUM ROLL, CRASH)
(DRUM ROLL, CRASH)
(MUSIC CONTINUES)
(TRUMPETS FLARE)
Ow!
(GRUMBLING)
(GRUMBLING)
(CHA CHA MUSIC CONTINUES)
(LAUGHTER)
(MUSIC SWELLS, ENDS)
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
(LIGHT, UPBEAT MUSIC)
(LIGHT, UPBEAT MUSIC)
Rather good.
Rather good.
(MUSIC FADES, ENDS)
(MUSIC FADES, ENDS)
I think we can call
that a flat-out success.
Ted.
Congratulations.
It really could
not have gone any better.
It really could
not have gone any better.
Possibly the biggest success
of my career, and yours.
I think we should get stuck
into the series straight away.
I think we should get stuck
into the series straight away.
It's a winning formula.
I'm, oh, I'm alright, thanks, Ted.
I thought you were teetotal.
Mm.
(COUGHS) Well, special occasion.
You know, when I took this job on,
I did imagine many such
champagne moments.(KNOCKING)
Sadly they've been few
and far between.
Sadly they've been few
and far between.
Um
..two things.
Firstly, well played for tonight.
..two things.
Firstly, well played for tonight.
You were- you were amazing.
(LOW, GENTLE MUSIC)
(LAUGHS) Thank you.
And secondly
..Edith has agreed to the divorce.
(HICCUPS)
(MUSIC FADES, ENDS)
Ted.
Mm.
Ah. Well, (CLEARS THROAT)
I will leave you to it.
That's so great about Edith, but
Den, um
That's so great about Edith, but
Den, um
Sophie?
I'm having a baby.
We're having a baby.
(LOW GENTLE MUSIC)
(LOW GENTLE MUSIC)
We're having a baby?
We're having a baby.
No, you're not.
You cannot have a baby.
No, you're not.
You cannot have a baby.
Corporate regulations forbid
any unmarried expectant woman
to appear on television.
Oh no, wait a moment.
(KNOCKING)
Bill!
Shh! Baby Bill is sleeping.
Oh!
(LOW CHATTER)
Everyone.
Shh!
Some congratulations are in order.
Firstly, a hit show.
Firstly, a hit show.
(QUIET CELEBRATIONS)
Secondly, to the
very-soon-to-be-married
Mr and Mrs Mahindra.
(GASPS/CROSS TALK)
Mr and Mrs Mahindra.
(GASPS/CROSS TALK)
Are you joking?
(EXCITED CHATTER)
And also one more thing,
one more thing.
Their unexpected,
but very welcome, new arrival.
Their unexpected,
but very welcome, new arrival.
What? Oh!
Oh, Soph!
Oh, Soph!
(HUSHED EXCITED CHATTER)
Dennis the daddy?
Dennis, Dennis how soon do
you think you can tie the knot?
I can get Eunice to sort out
a registrar,
I can get Eunice to sort out
a registrar,
but we should probably do it soon.
No, no, no. Everyone, everyone,
everyone, stop, stop, stop!
Dennis, I really love you.
Dennis, I really love you.
But it should be our decision.
We shouldn't be Mr and Mrs anybody
just to keep a corporation happy.
Well, in that case,
I'm sorry to say
..we will be doing the show
without you.
Oh, come on, mate, what!?
You can't do that.
Can they?
Flat Birds was Sophie's idea.
Flat Birds was Sophie's idea.
And Bill, and the other one.
You're shitting me!
She wrote it with us, Ted.
Actual words, funny lines,
her voice is all over it.
Actual words, funny lines,
her voice is all over it.
Yeah, she's the heart and soul.
Ted, we're onto a winning formula.
You said it.
Imagine how great it would feel
Imagine how great it would feel
to be part of a ground-breaking
female sitcom about pregnancy,
and single mums,
and friends like Greta,
and single mums,
and friends like Greta,
and Diane, Marj, Bill, Tony, and all
of us who don't fit the mould.
A show that one day people can look
back on and say,
'That show changed my life.'
# Nina Simone: Sinnerman #
# Nina Simone: Sinnerman #
You want me to bend the rules?
# Oh, sinnerman,
where you gonna run to?
# Sinnerman, where you gonna run to?
No, I want you to break them.
No, I want you to break them.
# Where you gonna run to?
# All on that day
# I cried power
# I cried power
# Power
# Power
(power Lord)
# Power
(power Lord)
# Power
(power Lord)
# Power
(power Lord)
# Power
(power Lord)
# Power
(power Lord)
# Power
(power Lord)
# Power
(power Lord)
# Power
(power Lord)