Get Smart (1965) s02e04 Episode Script

- Christopher.
- Ah, Stromberg.
How was your flight? Excellent.
Coffee to start with, sir? Please.
Well, Christopher, is everything prepared for The Blaster's annual visit? Yes, yes, of course.
What national building is The Blaster going to blow up this year? The US Internal Revenue Building.
How magnificent! It'll throw the American economy into complete confusion.
Another triumph for KAOS.
The Blaster will enter the country in the next 48 hours.
The building will be blown up exactly one week from tonight.
How is The Blaster getting into the country this time? He's coming in with "The Lover.
" ( chuckles ) Oh, I'm terribly sorry.
I got ashes in your coffee.
It's all right.
I'll get a fresh cup.
Good afternoon.
Good afternoon.
There is a man standing behind you with a gun in your back.
I advise you to do exactly as he says.
So, our old friend Maxwell Smart.
Now, just a minute.
You guys are a little out of line.
I was just sitting here reading my newspaper and waiting for my lunch.
And listening in to a flower? Isn't that a little bit unusual? Not as unusual as what your friend's doing-- he's talking into one.
( loud static ) - Now, Mr.
Smart - What? I suggest you don't make a scene.
Just get up and walk to that green sedan parked at the curb.
But I haven't had my bacon and eggs yet.
How unfortunate.
But you don't understand.
If I don't have my lunch here, I can't get my parking ticket validated.
Start walking.
Oh, I beg your pardon, sir.
( silenced gunshots ) - Woman: What happened to him? - I think he's been shot.
- I didn't hear any shooting.
- Somebody call a cop.
- Get an ambulance! - Somebody get an ambulance! It's too late.
This man is dead.
( gasps ) Hey, Charlie, cancel the bacon and eggs! ( theme music playing ) ( 99 weeping ) ( Fang whimpering ) Poor Max.
He was so young.
Yes, he was young.
And vital.
He was vital.
And intelligent.
Loyal? Yes, he was loyal.
- Oh, poor Fang.
He's so upset.
- ( whimpering ) Fang and Max were in the same graduating class at spy school.
Oh, Chief, please let me go after whoever did this.
I can't do that, 99.
I'm assigning you to a case that only you can handle.
What's that? Antonio Carlos Carioca.
Oh, Chief, every time he comes in town all he does is stay up all night partying.
I know, 99, but he's a very influential person, and we can't afford to let anything happen to him while he's here.
Besides, he specifically requested that you be assigned to him again.
But Chief, I'm in mourning for Max! I know, 99.
Maybe this assignment will be just what you need.
It'll help you take your mind off this terrible thing that happened.
I'm afraid I'm going to be a long time forgetting, Chief.
Max was someone special.
He had a way of-- of getting under your skin.
Yes, he certainly did.
Now, now, 99, I'll walk you to your car.
Come on, Fang.
I'll be all right, Chief.
wait in the car? I'll be along in a minute.
- Right, Chief.
- Go with her, Fang.
Pardon me for intruding at a time like this, but were you very close to Max? Are you kidding? We were inseparable.
- Max! - Shh! Max, are you crazy? You were told to stay in hiding until this was over.
Don't you realize by coming here you've jeopardized our whole plan for capturing The Blaster? Some funeral.
Look at those crummy flowers.
They must have cost a dollar and a half.
What did you do, pick up an old corsage someplace? - Max, it isn't important.
- It's important to me.
And another thing-- this cemetery lot.
Why isn't it up on a hill, Chief? You know I like a view.
Listen, Max, for the past five years The Blaster has eluded us.
But this time we know exactly what he's going to do and when because you overheard their plans before they killed you.
You call that a headstone? I've seen better headstones for parakeets.
Max, KAOS must remain convinced that you're dead or they'll change their plans.
Now, why did you take a chance and come here? Because I wanted to pay my last respects to somebody that I used to be very fond of.
Judging from the turnout I'm the only one.
Where is everybody? I don't know, Max.
I guess they just had something else to do.
Where's Parker? Why isn't Parker here? Parker had a previous engagement.
- Another funeral? - No, tickets to a ball game.
Oh, well, that's a legitimate excuse.
- Carlson? Why isn't Carlson here? - Carlson has a bad cold.
I suppose he was afraid to come here and give it to me.
Very considerate of him.
Let's get you into hiding - before somebody sees you.
- Don't touch me.
I watched you during the services and you weren't even moved.
Max, you're not really dead! But everybody thinks I am.
The least you could have done was sniffle.
Some funeral.
I was the only one who cried.
- Max! - And another thing, Chief, about that casket-- what was that made out of, cardboard? I'll make it up to you.
Your next funeral will be truly magnificent.
You say that, but you don't mean it.
And besides, I may not be around the next time to check.
Will you get to your hideout and stay there? Chief, do you really think my coming here endangered our chances for capturing The Blaster? It could've.
I don't think they recognized you.
I spotted two KAOS agents observing the services from their car, and they seemed convinced that you were really quite dead.
- Two KAOS agents? - Yes, Stromberg and Christopher-- - the men who murdered you.
- They came to my funeral? Who do you think sent the flowers? That was very considerate, Chief.
It just goes to show you that you have to be murdered before you can find out who your friends really are.
I must remember to send them a thank-you note.
Max, please get going.
Chief if you don't mind, you go ahead.
I'd like to be alone for a few minutes.
I want to say goodbye to myself.
I admit these aren't very pleasant accommodations, Max, but we thought it would be safer for you to be hiding in a deserted building.
That's all right, Chief, I'm getting used to the shabby treatment.
It's only for a couple of days, Max.
Hmm, well, I didn't expect to go to heaven when I got killed, but I didn't expect this either.
Just have to get used to it.
Until we make our move, this will be your home.
Careful, Chief.
That's my favorite easy chair.
And watch your ashes.
The maid just finished vacuuming.
Max, cut it out.
The important thing is that you not leave this place for any reason whatsoever.
Just to make sure, I'm stationing Agent 13 outside.
It's vital that The Blaster be stopped.
We've stopped him so far, haven't we, Chief? - No, we haven't.
- What do you mean? Well, Max, this is classified information, but every year for the past five years, The Blaster has sneaked into Washington and blown up one of our national monuments.
A national monument? You mean like the Washington Monument? - Who told you? - Who told me what? There's nothing wrong with the Washington Monument.
I pass it every day.
That is a credit to the labor unions of our country-- carpenters, plumbers, electricians, stone masons, engineers-- everybody it takes to put up a building.
What are you talking about? I'm talking about a heroic workforce of 6000 men, all on emergency standby duty, waiting by their phones for a call from McClutzky.
- McClutzky? - McClutzky, he's the foreman.
The Blaster always strikes at midnight, and within minutes the emergency call goes out to McClutzky, and he contacts his 6000 men.
Wow, he must have some phone bill.
on that bombed-out building, working without a break.
By daylight, the building was rebuilt without the public knowing - it was ever destroyed.
- That's amazing.
Haven't you ever wondered why the National Archives building - has been closed for almost a year? - The Blaster? Leveled it to the ground.
By the morning, they had the outside of it built up.
Do you know what's inside of that building? - What? - A vacant lot.
That's incredible.
And now he's after the Internal Revenue building.
He's gotta be stopped, Chief.
Yes.
If he succeeds, the records of every taxpayer in this country will be destroyed.
We won't know who's paid his taxes and who hasn't.
Well, that'll just mean that every taxpayer is on his honor.
This country could be in a lot of trouble, Chief.
At least we've got one thing to go on.
What's that? You remember when I was listening to the two KAOS men? One of them said The Blaster was coming into the country with "The Lover.
" I've been working on that piece of information for two days now, and you know what? - You've got the answer? - No, I've wasted two days.
I've got to be going, Max.
Remember-- keep out of sight.
- Goodbye.
- Goodbye, Chief.
Oh, is there anything I can bring you? Yes, a copy of "House Beautiful.
" I'm thinking of redecorating.
( closet items crashing ) Where do you think you're going, 86? Oh, it's you, 13.
Listen, I just had to get out and stretch my legs.
You don't know what it's like being cooped up in a small room like that.
I'm sitting in a mailbox, and you're telling me I don't know what it's like to be cooped up in a small room? I'd love to be cooped up in a small room.
I'd give anything to be cooped up in something as big as a small room.
Take it easy, 13.
Take it easy.
Every assignment I get I'm always locked in something small.
I'm always in a mailbox or a scale or a locker or a grandfather's clock or a tree-- do you know what happened when I was stationed in that tree - at that rubber plantation case? - What? I was tapped! Try that sometime.
Try standing up all night with a spigot in your stomach! Try to pull yourself together, 13.
I'll be all right, 86, just as long as that woman doesn't come back.
What woman? The one who has the boy in the army.
Every day she sends him something.
What's so bad about that? Today she sent him limburger cheese.
Phew! ( sniffs ) You're ruining the neighborhood.
( knocks on door ) - Who is it? - It's The Chief.
- How's it going, Max? - Terrible.
I'm beginning to feel like the Prisoner of Zenda.
Tomorrow you'll be free because The Blaster is scheduled to blow up the Internal Revenue Building tonight at midnight.
Hmm.
Did you find out who The Lover is? No, we're still trying.
Just in case, I've got McClutzky standing by.
How about 99? How's she? Under the circumstances, she's taking it admirably.
I'm not cold in my grave yet, and every night she's out on the town.
Max, you're not really dead, and 99 is on an assignment! The least she could do is wear a black dress.
Tonight, Carioca comes to town-- Wait a minute, Chief.
Isn't it a little coincidental that when Antonio Carlos Carioca comes to town, it's always at approximately the same time that The Blaster makes his appearance? Yes, we've thought about that, but it doesn't check out.
Because at the exact moment those buildings were being demolished, Carioca was having a farewell supper on board his yacht with 99.
And 99 is sure that he never slipped off the yacht for any long period of time? She's positive.
How can you blow up a building when you're having supper on a yacht? Maybe it is just a coincidence.
Don't worry about it, Max.
We'll get The Blaster.
Now, go ahead and eat.
I've got to leave.
What did you bring me today, Chief? Corned beef from Irving's Delicatessen.
- Chief? - Mmm? I don't care what happens to me, but somehow, someplace, sometime, I'm going to put that man behind bars.
- The Blaster? - No, Irving.
This corned beef is terrible! Man on radio: On the lighter side of the news, millionaire playboy and dignitary Antonio Carlos Carioca bids our city farewell tonight and sails home aboard his new $2 million yacht.
Our news cameras filmed these exclusive shots of the custom-built ship anchored in the Potomac River.
The lavish new vessel is called the "El Amador," and boasts seven staterooms, three bars-- ( switch clicks ) Did he say "El Amador"? ( switch clicks ) The "El Amador.
" ( switch clicks ) "El Amador" is Spanish for "The Lover.
" CONTROL headquarters, Hobson speaking.
- Hello.
Let me speak to The Chief.
- He's not here.
Listen, Hobson, get this, and get it straight-- - it's top priority.
- Who is this? Maxwell Smart, Agent 86.
Now listen, Hobson, I want you to tell The Chief that The Blaster is onboard Antonio Carlos Carioca's yacht.
Come on, quit stalling.
Who is this? I'm telling you, Hobson, it's Maxwell Smart.
Tell The Chief the reason he hasn't been able to find The Lover is because "The Lover" in Spanish is "El Amador.
" You see, Carioca named his yacht "The Lover.
" But being Spanish, he painted the name of the yacht in Spanish-- the "El Amador.
" In Spanish-- eh, wait a minute or is "El Amador" "The Lover" in English? No, "English" is "Lover" in Spanish, Therefore the "El Amador" is Spanish for "English.
" Ehh, or is "El Amador" English for "Spanish"? Either way, call the Coast Guard and tell "The Lover" that The Chief and the "El Amador" are the same boat.
Well, it sounds like Maxwell Smart.
Hmm makes about as much sense as he did.
But you can't fool me.
Maxwell Smart couldn't be making this call because he's dead.
Hello? Hello? Hello! Here, you'd better let me take that.
- What are you doing in that mailbox? - What mailbox? Come on out of there.
You're under arrest.
I don't think you understand, Officer.
See, I just got in town and there wasn't a hotel-- If you don't come out I'm coming in! Tell your story in night court to Judge Roberts.
Judge Roberts-- I think I got a letter for him.
Come on, out! call headquarters and tell Hobson that-- He's been mailed! Señorita, I do not understand.
Always you are so alive and gay.
This year you are so sad.
Everything I say makes you cry.
I'm sorry, Señor Carioca.
It's not your fault, though.
And stop calling me Señor Carioca.
Call me Antonio.
It is our last night.
What can I do to cheer you up? Let me buy you something-- a dress, a diamond, a candy store.
It's just that I've lost someone very dear to me.
My-- my uncle.
I'll buy you a new one.
Come on, stop crying, please.
You are too young to cry, too lovely, too smart.
Smart! ( sobs ) What did I say now? I'm sorry.
I'll be all right.
See? That's better.
There is a saying-- "The majesty of a woman's eyes should never be diminished by the ignobleness of tears.
" Oh, that's beautiful.
My father always said that.
He is 86 years old.
( sobs ) Why are you crying? Papa is still alive! He feels marvelous.
Here, I'll show you a picture.
Here he is on his favorite horse Maximillian.
My father calls him "Max.
" Max! What have I said now? What are you crying for? I loved him.
You loved my father's horse? I do not understand what is going on.
Christopher: You can't go in there! Max: Step aside, young man.
Oh, there you are, honey.
You forgot your key, so I brought it over.
I'm sorry, but she insisted on coming aboard and seeing her niece.
- I tried-- - It is all right, Christopher.
Inform Stromberg to start the engines.
- We sail in 15 minutes.
- Right.
Okay, Carioca, stay right where you are.
Or should I say, "The Blaster"? Max! ( swoons ) Okay, drop it.
Sorry about that, 99.
Now whoever you are, remove your hat.
So you are still alive, Maxwell Smart.
How interesting-- and temporary.
You might as well hand over that gun, Blaster, because this yacht happens to be surrounded by the 7th Fleet.
I find that hard to believe.
Would you believe the 6th Fleet? I don't think so.
How about a school of angry flounder? So CONTROL thought if I believed you were dead I would proceed with my plan and they would capture me.
How naive you Americans are.
What do you mean? I have already been inside the Internal Revenue building with the afternoon sightseeing tour.
I slipped away from the group, planted the bomb and rejoined them.
All that is left to do now is to set it off.
Oh, really? Well, you're the one that's naive, Blaster, because that building happens to be completely surrounded, and you could never get near enough to set off the bomb.
But I don't have to go there to set off the explosion, Mr.
Smart.
Back up.
Sit down.
You see, Mr.
Smart, my bomb operates on the principle of high-frequency sound waves.
This lever controls the ship's whistle.
The first two blasts of the whistle are the same whistle sounds heard every day in the harbor.
but the third blast is on a wavelength that the human ear cannot detect-- a wavelength that will explode the bomb.
So that's how you blew up all those buildings without ever leaving the yacht.
Precisely.
And what more perfect alibi could I have than a beautiful CONTROL agent swearing she was having dinner with me at the time? And you call yourself a gentleman.
Now, Mr.
Smart, I shall pull this lever three times and your Internal Revenue Building will go up in smoke.
Christopher! Smart! - ( whistle blows ) - That's one! - ( whistle blows ) - That's two! You know, two against one is really rotten.
Don't move.
Don't move! Missed me by that much.
Max, are you all right? Yes, Chief, as long as I don't have to jump over that bar again.
- What happened to 99? - She's all right.
She just fainted.
How did you know I was here? Hobson contacted me.
After he hung up on you, he traced the phone call and found out it came from a shoe.
- Good work.
- How did you know The Blaster was here? Simply by using my Spanish, Chief.
You see, "El Amador" in Spanish is "Lover.
" And "Lover" in English is "El Amador.
" So it figured that if The Blaster was on the "El Amador," that meant that Carioca was on The Lover, because "Lover" in Spanish is "El Amador.
" And "El Amador" in English is "Spanish.
" Oh, Max it really is you.
So you see, Chief, in that way he was able to set off the explosions without ever leaving the ship.
Absolutely brilliant.
We'll dismantle that bomb.
Then we can move all the tax records back into the building.
And to think that I sat here each time and actually watched him set off those blasts without even knowing.
It wasn't your fault, 99.
You thought he was blowing the ship's whistle.
Actually all he was doing was walking around the bar, looking at his watch, and then reaching up and pulling down the lever.
- Max! - Max, don't touch that! Relax, gang.
The first two only blow the ship's whistle.
It's the third one that sets off the bomb.
( explosion rumbles ) See? Well, Chief, no use keeping McClutzky waiting.
( theme music playing )