Gimme Gimme Gimme (1999) s02e04 Episode Script

This programme contains
some strong language.
Gimme, gimme, gimme
a man after midnight
Take me through the darkness
to the break of the day
There's not a soul out there
No-one to hear my prayer
Gimme, gimme, gimme a man! ♪
Happy birthday to me
Happy birthday, sexy bastard
Happy birthday to me. ♪
Bill, bill, bill, bill.
Oh, God! That's bloody great.
PHONE RINGS
Yes! Yes!
Don't sing happy birthday too loud,
I'm feeling fragile.
Martin who?
I think you've got the wrong number.
I must dash. I've got loads of
presents to open I'm not a
wanker!
LAUGHTER
Nuisance phone calls?
I don't mind if they're filthy,
cos then it's a two-way street!
When they ring just to be rude,
it's a waste of time.
- Do you know what I hate?
- Female squidgy bits?
No. I hate it when you oversleep
on your birthday
and your flatmate can't be arsed
to offer you congratulations.
I hate that. I used to share a flat
with a girl, more of a cell really,
who used to forget my birthday,
I was livid. It's not on, is it?
No. It isn't.
What are you doing
with one of my videos? Give me that!
"Bucks Fizz,
live at the Bradford Alhambra".
A little high-brow for you.
Postman Pat isn't in it!
I thought it was Silence Of
The Lambs. I wanted something
a bit feel-good to cheer m'self up.
- We haven't got Silence Of The Lambs.
- But you were in it. - No.
Not in the movie.
I was in the musical though.
"Silence" at the Swan Theatre,
Worcestershire.
I was marvellous. I closed Act One
with "Help Me, I'm Down A Hole".
- Shall I sing it for you? - Yeah.
Help me, I'm down an 'ole
So far away from home
At the end of my tunnel
I see some light
I'm someone's dinner tonight. ♪
I'm just gonna sit here
until you say it.
- Say what? - Think back to that time
you were in the cell and that
girl didn't say, "Happy birthday."
That wasn't her fault. She'd
just had electric-shock treatment.
She couldn't remember nothing.
Stupid bitch!
Maybe my mother went to hospital
30 years ago and was told to strain!
I had to do that when I was
constipated. Well, I thought I was.
- Maybe she had something in her
tummy. - Tell me about it.
I pushed for five hours and gave
birth to a gonk.
Don't ask.
It's my birthday, you stupid cow!
I'll never forget my 13th birthday.
It was the day I became a woman.
- Aren't you gonna say happy birthday?
- I did a strip for the boys.
- Stop it! Stop it!
- That's what they said.
I'd only got to my bra and pants
and they chucked up in the sink.
Homos!
I'm going back to bed if you can't
be bothered to say happy birthday.
'Ere, knock one out for me, babe.
Linda? What's this in the hall?
- What's that? - What's it look like?
It looks like a trolley with cake
and presents and Twiglets
- You remembered!
- I had you going, didn't I?
- Come here, come here. - Yes.
- Time for your birthday kiss. - Nooooo!
That was a bodily fluid!
Ah, shut up. What's a little
tongue action amongst friends?
Presents now. No time
like the present. Little pun!
No time like the PRESENT.
Tom-a-ty? Tom-a-ty?
I've got lines everywhere. I won't
be able to play juvenile leads.
- Have I turned grey overnight?
Will you just check? - No.
- Shall I look down below? - Get off.
Get your sweaty digits off my
crotch, you dirty-minded mare!
- I hope I'm not this vile
when I hit 30. - You're 36!
Bollocks! I'm 28!
STONE!
- Why are you in such a bad mood?
- That's my pejorative.
Last night I had a dream.
I was the leading man in an ITV
series called Vets In Cirencester.
I wasn't happy unless I was up
to my elbow in a cow's backside.
I've had dreams like that.
LAUGHTER
- When I awoke this morning
- You'd had a little spillage?
LAUGHTER
I realised two things.
One, I've reached the big 30;
two, I'm a failure at everything.
- Cheer up. - Well - We've got
loads of people coming round later.
- Have we? - I rang everyone in your
Filofax, not everyone was available.
I didn't give them enough notice.
- When did you ring? - Six months ago.
Yeah. That'll be it. Not enough
time.
They're all busy. It's fiendishly
difficult to find a window.
- Who else? - I'm gonna be there.
I'm looking forward to it. - You
don't count, you're already here.
Jez and Suze and Beryl. Beryl was
over the moon that you wanted her.
She had a little cry. Actually she
got hysterical. I had to slap her.
I've a flare
for organising birthday dos.
Yes. You're a real
Meg Mathews, aren't you?
This place is the image of Studio
54. Decorations all over the place.
Ooops! Nearly split my head open
on the glitter ball.
Aaah! That dry ice
gets on your lungs.
- Chuck him out! He's dealing drugs!
- Who? - Get out!
Go and enjoy your little party
thing.
What the blood? What's this?
- Hi, cat! - We're on the sniff
for the birthday boy.
The big hand's on "party", the
little hand on "time". Party time!
Where's Tomosexual?
The party's off.
He don't want to know.
Arrrh. Thank you, Linda.
This really suits me.
Once again you've proved your flair
with up-to-the-minute fashions.
Come on, Tom.
It's for our party piece.
- Don't let the fact that we've been
up since 5am put you off. - I won't.
- Leave it. He don't deserve it.
- Come on, Linda. Let's
- I love your legs in that mini skirt.
- Oh, all right then.
What is going on?!
OK. OK.
OK. Who is the best pop group
in the world?
Um Boyzone. Is it Boyzone?
Boyzone are coming? I'm thrilled!
Shut up. One homo out of five
doesn't make it right.
No. It's THE pop group of the '80s.
Hit it, Daddy-o.
MUSIC: "Making Your Mind Up"
by Bucks Fizz
You've gotta speed it up
Then you've got to ♪
No. No. No. No.
No. No. No.
Come on, Tom. You haven't seen
the best bit yet. Look.
It's at times like this
that a girl wishes she wore pants.
What is all this nincompoopery,
you twit?
You wanted to wake up to Bucks Fizz.
THE DRINK!
Jez, Suze
..much as I appreciate your
camp goodwill and your surreal sense
of '80s disco,
I'm afraid that I cannot celebrate
with you today.
For on this day 17 years ago,
my whole family was wiped out in
a car accident outside
Kidderminster.
Eh?
We were returning from filming
Ask The Family and father
took his eyes off the wheel.
Well Let's just say that I
was the only one wearing a seat
belt.
- I thought they - Be quiet, please.
- Tom, that's dreadful. - I know.
- But, I - I asked you to be quiet.
An aunt took me in,
but we didn't see eye to eye.
She was three foot nine.
So I was destined to spend the
rest of my puberty in
an orphanage.
- I wish you'd told us this, Linds.
- I was sure - The reason she
said nothing is that she was sworn,
as she is sworn now to secrecy.
Linda, I thank you for your
rare awareness in the issues
surrounding confidentiality.
I'm just gonna chill, relax,
be with my memories
DOORBELL RINGS
..of my dear-departed
Mutter und Vater.
I'll get that.
I'll tell them to go away.
No. I'd appreciate the few minutes
walk to the door to gather myself
..to reflect, to mourn.
Could someone give us a hug?
No. Not you.
BOTH: SURPRISE!
Mum! Dad! Could you just wait there
for a second, please?
Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!
MOTHER: What have I told you
about swearing?
- Thanks very much for coming.
Goodbye. - No. Who was at the door?
- Er Carol singers. - It's February!
I meant Carol Vorderman.
- No? - Yes. She's come round to give
you a lesson in spelling and sums.
Go! Go! Out! Out!
Well, where is she?
No! You stupid yak!
It's my mother and father.
- I thought you said they were dead.
- Hide anything that says I'm gay.
- Like this? - Yes, yes. Bin it.
I only tell that story cos I have
the most boring parents in the
world.
Your parents don't know you're
a poof? What are they? Blind?
They know I'm gay.
When I was 18 I fell in love
with the man from the ice cream van.
- Did it go anywhere?
- Audley Edge and Timperley.
If they know you're "gay",
why are we hiding all this stuff?
They're not over the moon about it.
Unlike you, they don't enjoy having
things rammed down their throat.
The Masons at 43
have decorated again.
Aqua-marine and
Birmingham-beige in the lobby.
Half a million she won on
the Lottery and she's still buying
no-frills lemonade.
Vernon, don't scratch, love.
I changed our fabric conditioner
and we think he's allergic. Vernon!
So, how's the old acting going?
Marvellously.
Perhaps a new job at the RSC.
Fingers crossed.
You must be proud. He's so talented.
We watched out for you in Daylight
Robbery, can't say that we saw you.
I said to Enid, "What's that about?"
You're hopeless. The scene
in the building society,
I was one of those in the queue.
If you were an extra, just say so.
I wasn't an extra.
I had a line but it got cut.
It was a beautiful line.
Shall I act it for you?
Listen to this, it is brilliant.
NOOOOO!
Ain't he wonderful?
- What are you knitting, Mrs Tom?
- A poncho.
It's for a woman I meet on my bus.
I drive a toy bus
for kids with special needs.
There's lots of brain-damaged kids
with nothing to play with.
They don't know they're born
these days. All I had to play with
was a tiny pink box.
I didn't get that. I was deprived.
Shut up. We gave you a bike,
didn't we?
All I ever wanted was a great big
purple chopper to get my hands on.
He's outrageous! Ain't he filthy?
Ain't he filthy, Vern?
No. The Chopper bike,
you preposterous bitch.
We got you one.
You wouldn't be seen dead on it.
No. You got me a bloody Shopper!
It was pink with baskets on it.
Is it any wonder I spent my youth
in my bedroom reciting Shakespeare?
You made me an outcast.
- Are we calling THAT Artex? - No.
It's just cement with cracks.
Jenny from number nine
had the whole house Artexed.
Bandying it about at
the Kosovo coffee morning, she was.
Good job she's not on the front
line,
bombs falling, and she'd be flicking
through her before and after photos!
So, is your boyfriend going to
put in an appearance today?
Oh, God!
So embarrassing! Don't ask me about
my sexuality, change the subject!
Have you split up? What, can't keep
a bloke, now? I'm ashamed for you.
No, I HAVE got a boyfriend.
Linda, tell her about my boyfriend.
What?!
Oh, yeah, yeah, he's lovely, yeah.
He's so quiet
you'd hardly know he was here!
So, Linda,
do your parents come and stay much?
- Stay?! - No, sadly, Daddy's in
an iron lung and Mummy's in heaven.
- Yes, she collapsed
in a paddling pool in Pinner. - Oh.
Sorry, can I just clarify something.
Did you just say you were staying?
No, we brought the caravan.
We only want access to the bathroom.
- We don't have one.
- I saw it on the way in!
- - Linda, did you know this? - Eh?
- - He came from my womb, you know.
Don't say that word!
I breast-fed you,
now I can't use your bloody toilet!
Have you just come round to list all
your body parts?! It's embarrassing!
I don't know why you bothered!
We haven't just come to see you,
we're off to a party. Fancy dress.
Oh! I went to one when I was ten.
I wanted to go as a good-time girl,
but Daddy made me go as a pig.
Hey, Tom
Elspeth's got a pot-bellied pig.
Ooh, you'll laugh when I tell you!
LINDA LAUGHS RAUCOUSLY
- Right, Linda, bedroom, please.
- Ooh, he's on the turn!
Tom, hang on. She's got this pig,
and you'll never guess what it did.
- - Nobody's interested.
- Your father is. - What?
- Elspeth, pig.
- Ah, yes, very interesting.
God, I haven't been this embarrassed
since I bumped into Louise Woodward
and said, "You were marvellous
in The Hand That Rocks The Cradle."
What are you wittering on about?
They seem lovely.
ME?! ME wittering on?! My mother
makes me look like Helen Keller!
- She reminds me of Mummy.
- She's not obese!
Mummy wasn't always! In her heyday,
she was Miss Isle of Dogs!
I feel five years old again!
Was your 30th this disastrous?
How many times
have I got to tell you, I'm 28!
Where's my passport? I'll prove it!
You don't have one! When you tried
leaving Britain, you were caught cos
you had contraband in every orifice!
That nice man
made me take all my clothes off.
It was a strip-search.
Why do you think he put a
rubber glove on? Cos he fancied you?
Can you blame 'im?!
You would try it on with anybody!
What's wrong with that?!
Why, there's nothing at all wrong
with that.
- Oh, Tom! - No, not me! Not me!
- I want you to come on to my father.
- Oh!
LAUGHTER
That should send them packing!
KNOCK ON DOOR
Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday to you ♪
Oh, piss off!
- Dad? Linda would like a word with
you. Haven't a clue what it's about.
She'd like to see you alone. - Righto.
It's been lovely seeing you.
You say that as if we're leaving.
Really?
I've got to go and prepare
for my guests arriving.
Take this opportunity
to nose about a bit.
Try Linda's bedroom. Lots of lovely
knitwear in there for you. OK?
KNOCK ON DOOR
- Linda? - Come on in, Vernon.
Close the door.
Forgive me for lying like this
in such a revealing skirt,
only I think I've sprained my ankle.
- Oh, shall I look at it for you?
- Would you? Have a little poke about.
Ohhh!
Forgive my feminine glisten
only I was bouncing naked on a pogo
stick earlier and haven't showered.
- Does that hurt?
- Hurt is a very strong word, Vernon.
Can conjure up all sorts of images.
Maybe you should try a bit higher.
Did you have a look?
No, I was answering the door.
Go into Linda's bedroom!
Oooh!
My G-string
It's like a satin cheese wire.
- I like a woman with legs. - Ooh!
Some men say
they're my best feature.
Then my lily-white ass.
- What do you say, Vernon? - Well
- I'm rather taken with your tits. - Oh!
Come on, Mother!
Carmel's started her menopause.
I wonder what's in Linda's bedroom?
She had a hot flush in Argos.
She came out
with a long-slot toaster.
Oh, shut up!
Well, look at that!
Will you look at that, Tom!
Oh, God, you silly bitch!
I just wanted you to scare him off!
Oh, shut up!
No, really, Tom. Our Carmel's
got the exact same bedspread!
I can't get over that!
And then in 1973,
I got Munchausen's disease by proxy,
which ain't a barrel of laughs.
Her at 52 had that. Chopped
the heads off my ornamental gnomes.
Cost me an arm and a leg.
Is it?
- Aren't you shocked?!
- Eh?
Your husband's shagging Linda! Don't
we at least get a raised eyebrow?
Oh, put a sock in it, Tom! You're
always yapping, you boring sod!
- Have you got kids? - No.
I tried with getting a goat,
but it's cruel in a flat.
ME yapping on?!
What about you, you gabby old cow!
You are not too old
to put over my knee, do you hear?!
- You just can't handle the truth.
- No, YOU can't face the truth.
Where's the man of your dreams
you're for ever prattling on about?
Where's this fantastic acting career
you're supposed to have?
You live with a social reprobate!
I HAVE got a boyfriend, actually.
There's a photo of us. There!
No wonder you can't act!
But I was in Daylight Robbery!
You were in a queue
in the background!
It's hardly Julie friggin' Andrews!
You'll never cut the mustard.
Do you want to know why?
YOU EVIL WITCH!
Cos you're selfish.
You only think of yourself.
You don't know THA
about other people's emotions!
- I'M not dead from the neck down!
- Oh, you are so funny, Tom!
Get the Polyfilla,
you're cracking me up!
Hi, Mummy.
LAUGHTER
This is YOUR fault!
I'm probably from a broken home now!
If I was at school,
I'd get free meals!
And my own queue in the canteen!
And all the bullies would taunt me.
They'd say, "Hey, child of divorced
parents, you get free meals, yeah.
"You pooh your pants.
You like other boys.
"You looked at Tommy's willie in
the toilets. That's why he hit you."
God, why am I telling you this?
You all right? You look peaky.
I'm off me nut, dear.
I dropped a pill about an hour ago.
I'm sitting on something.
It's your birth certificate, Linda.
Give me that!
1960?
You're 39!
NOOOOO!
Oh, bloody hell, I'm tripping!
Oh, it's your fancy dress costumes!
Let me guess!
Denise van Outen and Jamiroquai.
No Peters and Lee.
Your mother's told me about the row,
and you're old enough to know,
lad. You know you're gay, like?
Really(?)
Well, we've got
an alternative sexuality, too.
Have you?
Tom, we're swingers.
Oh, fuck a duck!
Actually, for the past six years,
I've been bonking the ice cream man.
- MY ice cream man?!
- Yes!
Oh, you bitch! Swingers?!
Doesn't that make you proud?
He might not look much, but he's
a little dynamo. Ain't he, Mummy?
Come on, we'll be late
for the wife-swapping party.
- Where?! - We love you warts and all,
Tom. Do you still love us?
We'll take that as a no.
Come on. You've had your fun today,
it's time I had mine.
- Hey, Tom - Don't come near me!
- Tell me you love me. - Yeah
You didn't even buy me a present!
Yes, we did.
We've booked you a male escort.
That's the address of the party in
case you fancy a change of scenery.
Well, I hope you're feeling guilty.
Bangin' on about how boring they
were and they'd got him a prossy!
They must really love him!
Beryl,
got any more of those pills left?
- Plenty. - Give to me, please.
- I've never been to an orgy before.
I s'pose they didn't want
to put the other ladies to shame.
- Hi! - Look at me! I'm taking
an overdose! Watch me! Watch me!
Wow, this party's really swinging!
Tom, they're multi-vitamins!
- I'm putting my head in the oven!
No-one try and stop me! - We're not!
It's electric.
- How do I look?
- ALL: Vile!
Right, I'm off. See you later, Tom.
Right, who wants some brain juice?
Ooh, Jez, get some beakers, quick!
HE MOUTHS
- Oh!
- Hi, I'm from Spunky Hunks For Hire.
- Oh! - I'm looking for Tom?
Er ooh, I don't know whether
you're familiar with the old
Playaway presenter, Toni Arthur?
Only she was a bird
with a bloke's name.
Tom Farrell. Pleased to meet you.
Gimme, gimme, gimme
a man after midnight
Won't somebody help me
chase the shadows away?
Gimme, gimme, gimme
a man after midnight
Take me through the darkness
to the break of the day
There's not a soul out there
No-one to hear my prayer
Gimme, gimme, gimme a man! ♪
and Iram Chaudry, BBC - 2000