Girls5eva (2021) s02e04 Episode Script

1 - Summer, of Girls5eva - Yeah.
Let's talk about your music career.
- Are you a virgin? - Yes.
I made a promise to myself and my parents and my God.
It's why I wear this purity ring.
I want my wedding night to be special because we're probably gonna be in a Hyatt.
Next up, we ask the guys of Matchbox Twenty about singing and playing instruments.
Ugh! Your shower makes me smell like tap water.
What? You got a big date? I cannot disclose the size of the man I'm meeting.
I signed an NDA with "The NBA on TNT.
" Oh.
Well, that's how most great love stories start.
Dawn, remember when I made a promise that I would always tell you when your clothes - disappointed me? - No.
You weren't there, but I made a promise.
What are those? Oh, my sheers.
What, you don't have TV pants where you put in so many ass hours they're kinda clear? Scott, start it.
Enjoy your crushing mundanity.
Just sitting there, reeking of tap water.
Previously on "Business Throne" You look like a fucking dildo that melted in a dishwasher.
Happy birthday, son.
They're so terrible in beautiful places.
The only thing left is Brown Mountain Bold Squeeze? - Come on, guys.
- Morning, ladies.
- Hello.
- Hey.
How do you all feel about a box - to kick your trainers against? - Okay.
I like an assignment, personally, 'cause if there's no box, I'm just kicking air, and what's that all about, right? - What are you saying? - Tate's email.
The label is hoping the album can have a love song.
I'm not gonna write them a love song - 'cause they ask for it.
- No.
You know, something raw and achingly true that can one day be in a Super Bowl ad where a lady likes a travel website.
Well, they came to the right place, because I can't do anything without bringing sex to the table.
I'm bringing the heat too.
Caroline and I are back in biz.
- I did stuff last night too.
- Really? What? Wait, with who? What base? Why am I being so aggressive? Okay.
His name is Liam, and we met on Christian Kringle.
It's a dating site for Christians who love Santa.
I can't say that it was the best date.
I had fun.
Me too.
Oh.
Oh, my gosh.
I'm so sorry.
It's just it's been a really long time.
But then we went inside and had Sex.
Yeah, it wasn't magical.
I didn't see fireworks.
Still, I'm proud of you for trying.
Thanks.
Summer, if I could give you some advice from my own life - Oh.
- I cannot.
I signed an NDA with "The NBA on TNT," but know that it would've been magnificent.
- Oh, Wickie, thank you.
- You're welcome.
Oh, my God! Mommy and Daddy? Surprise! - Surprise! - We surprised her! A mama knows a baby's surprise face.
- I'm so surprised.
- What are you doing here? Well, we rerouted our ministry tour to come by and check in on our baby.
Plus, there's an Annie Sez in Passaic that's got a sale on inspirational denim, so How's my little girl holding up after the big split? I'm good.
Thanks.
Good, good.
Well, you know what? We didn't wanna show up empty-handed, and now that the house has more room in it We thought we'd bring you your old Little Baby Ladies collection.
Ah! - And don't worry.
- They're still in mint condish.
We didn't want the value to go down.
That's so nice that you guys are here.
Kev took Stevia to Las Vegas to tour hype houses.
So yeah - I'm all alone.
- Oh.
Let me help you with your luggage, Daddy.
No, I got it.
This one's heavy, 'cause it's all thumb rings.
Oh.
- Yeah, okay.
- Oh, you are blessed.
And then I just put everything in a big bowl, and I mix it up.
And it doesn't even matter which way you stir.
Well, look at you.
You're cooking salads, making music, offering to carry bags.
You are thrivin' and arrivin'.
Thank you.
Now, honey, your mom and I know this has been a tough season for you.
We all thought Kev was it.
But sometimes the big man shanks it.
I know.
I really thought Kev was the one.
Well, your mom and I are here to get you onto the path to finding the two.
We just want you to be as happy as we are.
Muah! Yep.
Happy as clams.
Oh, an animal God got right.
No notes! Well, what you guys have is what I want, obvs.
Well, good, because in the early '90s, I took a vow to protect your purity until marriage.
And now you are once again unmarried.
So it looks like Daddy is back on the job.
Huh! Hah! You are too much.
So, Summer, until you find the two, would you be willing to keep it chaste below the waist? Wow, y'all.
Wow.
If you don't need anything, I'm gonna head out.
I found this single slab coaster I think I can save if I plant it tonight.
There's been, like, 10 billion love songs.
The Beatles just got to be like, "Love me do.
" It's easy when you get to go first and then just ski around for a whole movie.
Dawn, you need a brain break.
Okay.
What do you do when you want to just turn off the noise? I don't know.
Drink red wine out of a mug.
Okay.
Let's do that, then.
Uhh oh.
There is Brown Mountain Merlot.
Is it gonna be hot? We could do a small little vow thing right here on Sunday.
It's vital that we protect your purity during this vulnerable time.
I mean, you're a divorcee, and, well, that sounds French.
I know it does.
And you're now a internet villain.
So the temptation to do bad is gonna be very hard to resist.
And if you think your mother and I didn't notice those lowlights, think again, missy.
No don't get me wrong.
The ring is very beautiful, and I do need something to balance my hand out.
- It's just - Excuse me.
Do you have parents on your feet? - 'Cause we're up here.
- What'd you do, baby-lady? I did It.
Oh, my Lord! Oh, my Lord.
Oh, show me his face! No, I can't.
I can't do it.
I can't do it.
I can't do it.
No, I wanna see it.
Okay, let me see it.
I'll squint.
- His name is Liam.
- Liam, huh? - More like a "Lie-am.
" - Oh.
He's got a empty earring hole.
That means secrets.
He is not the two, and you'd have known that if you'd have made him wait 11 months to touch your shoulder.
Oh.
Oh, I'm exhausted from undisclosed glamorous location.
How was your date with obviously Shaq? I cannot confirm nor deny the thing I want you to know, but cannot say.
But what I can say is we had a meet-cute at the Atlanta Airport, and I saw him, and I said, "Are you 'name redacted'?" And he said, "Of course I'm 'name redacted.
' Who else do you know that's seven-foot-'redacted'?" Where were you? I was working.
You're welcome.
Did you and Ray crack the song? Yeah.
Progress.
Well, let's hear it.
Those aren't words.
Did you hook up with Ray? Shh, no! No.
We just we had a brain break.
And did what? You're gonna think this is really lame, but we watched the new "Business Throne.
" Gasp! What? No gasp.
Why gasp? Because in your basic little life, that is cheating.
What? It's a TV show.
And I want you to imagine yourself saying out loud, "Scott, I watched 'Business Throne' with another man.
" See? Gasp.
Oh, hey.
I fell asleep in Max's room.
You ready for ep nine? Yep, I'm up.
The penultimate.
Hmm.
Is Shaq funny in real life? Is who funny in what? I wonder how many helicopters we're gonna see.
If I could go back in time, I would've blasted on your mother's stomach.
Fuck off, son! They're so mean.
I'm so happy.
Oh, okay.
Okay.
- It's not gonna happen again.
- Stop making me feel guilty.
I already have enough general Italian guilt and Catholic shame for being born naked.
It's a dangerous game you're playing, like when "name withheld" and I played "Twister.
" I nearly suffocated.
There's a new glint on the wall.
- Who got a new ring? - Oh, I did.
Did you get engaged to that guy you didn't even like? No.
It's from my parents.
I don't even know if I'm gonna keep it.
What? It's so nice.
I know.
It's, um it's a purity ring.
You know, until I marry the two.
What? You're 39, you're not 13.
Hey, you said next weird thing I did you were gonna shut up.
There there isn't even You can't you can't po you You are lucky I just swallowed a diatribe.
Okay, I didn't say I'm doing it.
I said I'm thinking about it.
I mean, I do wanna get remarried, and waiting is kinda my brand.
- Sure, but - It's not done.
Summer, this is backwards.
You cannot let your parents run your sex life.
Okay, I'm supposed to take moral advice from a woman mentally raw-dogging our producer through an HBO show? I am not.
How do you even know that? Wickie and I are on a Slack.
You guys, the only reason why I'm really considering this is because I love my parents so much, and, you know, they did purity rings.
And they're so happy.
They have the perfect marriage.
- Hey! - Hi, y'all! - How are ya? - There they are.
- Hello.
- Chris and Kris.
- Hello.
- Hey, Mr.
and Mrs.
Dutkowsky.
- We went to the park.
- We got our portraits made, but he could only draw Al Pacino, so Oh, look at that.
- Booyah! - From the movie.
- You ready, Summer? - Okay.
I'm just gonna run and take 'em to brunch.
I'll be back.
- Hang on, I'll get my coat.
- Guys.
Guys, she's on the fence.
We need to take control here.
Or we could let it fly, because I don't care.
No, we gotta be the whores to shut this thing down.
Oh! Hey, you guys! Oh, you know, I could hook us all up at my brother's restaurant.
It's very authentish Italian.
Ethnic.
I'll gamble.
- I'm easy.
- I'll go anywhere there's clams.
Well, my leg, everyone in here looks like Al Pacino.
- Mama.
- True.
Hey, Kris, can I talk to you woman-to-woman for a second? Copy.
Now, I don't have a Kotex on me, but this is horse hair.
- No.
- No, you cradle it the same.
You can take it.
No, no, no, no, no.
Somebody else go.
Hey, Kris, you seem like a modern woman, wearing a brooch.
Don't you think this purity stuff is a little outdated? We did it, and we just had our 40th wedding anniversary last October.
Look, Summer was a honeymoon baby.
Bull's-eye right out of the gate.
I was a hole in one.
- Thank you.
- Oh, well.
- Oh, look at that.
- Here we go.
Steak for an angel.
- Let's do this.
- All right.
Oh, Lord.
This beef ain't budging.
Let's go.
- Here, you grab.
I'll stab.
- You got it.
They never stop holding hands.
I have to say whatever they're doing is working.
Maybe you should do this purity thing.
- Thank you.
- What? I just call it like I see it, and I have to remind you, I don't care.
Whoop! That's us.
Let's go! - Pardon us, ladies.
- When this song comes on, - I gotta dance with my bride.
- Yeah.
"Do You Believe in Love" was their wedding song.
We do believe! I know.
They do.
Wait, hold up, hold up.
That song came out January 1982, and I know that because my dad credits it with giving him the courage to leave my mom.
So how is this their wedding song in 1981? Tell me that, huh? Hand me Lady Kris's phone.
Her bouquet is enormous, she's got moon face, and no one's hair is that shiny without a baby tweaking it from me the inside.
God, Summer, you were at your parents' wedding.
So they didn't Wait? Mom, Dad, the math doesn't add up.
Just admit it.
- You want the truth? - Yes! Yes, your father and I had relations out of wedlock.
When? It's kinda hard to talk about when, 'cause it was always.
- Always.
- What what what? But you said that you knew that she was the one just from holding her hand.
Oh, my God, did you guys even meet on a mission trip to San Ignacio, Bolivia? No.
Your mother first caught my eye at a corporate retreat in Oahu, where she served me my first white rum mojito.
Honestly, it was a miracle you even ended up being your father's.
I mean, remember when we went to go get that DNA test? We were both like, "Oh, Lord.
" "Oh, that was lucky.
" 'Cause this one, mm, boy, if you had a full head of hair and a coke spoon, yes, sir.
Okay.
So why did you make me wait? Because your father and I walked the devil's path, and it was a dark one.
We had no moral compass, no regard for tomorrow.
Just dopamine, thrills.
Waking up in a truck bed beside a civic center, kinda all wet with, like, coins all stuck to me.
Ugh.
And this ring is our way of protecting you from making the same mistakes we did.
It's bad out there, babe, and part of me sincerely worries that we might have whore genetics.
I'm sure that was very hard, but they'll come around.
I've decided to do the ceremony.
They're just protecting me.
And as my friends, I would love it if you were there to support me.
Oh, my God.
Dawn, do you wanna watch "Business Throne?" It was nice watching with someone.
Usually, I just mutter, "What a piece of shit," to no one.
Oh, yeah, um I should probably keep going on this.
I usually watch it with my husband.
Oh, right.
Yeah, no problem.
I did just get the finale, though.
What? That doesn't come out for, like, a week.
My mate Stango is an editor.
It's cool, though.
Let's work.
Mm-hmm.
Don't you kinda just wanna know if the son who always goes rogue goes rogue? Eff it! Just put it in.
- Get in there! - Slow down.
Slow down.
You're bending it.
- Honey, you up? - No.
Do you maybe wanna talk about what might happen on the finale? Mm-mm.
Who do you think is gonna run FamCo? Do you think the son who always goes rogue goes rogue? He goes rogue in the Maldives.
Huh? How do you know that? Seriously, how do you know that? It's no big deal.
Ray had a copy of the finale.
His buddy's an editor.
You watched "Business Throne" with Ray? Wow, y'all.
Wow.
It didn't mean anything.
I couldn't even finish 'cause half the effects weren't rendered.
How long has this been going on? Since the penultimate.
So that's why you fell asleep during it.
You know, you're pretty devious.
Maybe you should be the CEO of FamCo.
Scott, come on! I'm sorry.
Oh! Thank you for coming.
We have all the clear sodas.
We're always gonna support you, Summer.
I mean, obviously, we don't agree with any of this.
But we're not gonna force you to do anything just to make us feel comfortable.
We're not your parents.
- Did that work? - No.
Okay.
How about this? Kevin Costner doing ranch stuff.
Ugh, no.
What about Pitbull doing Miami stuff? Stop! Trust me, this is just easier for me.
I feel really good.
I Come in.
Come on.
Okay.
Scott is overreacting.
He asked the lady at the deli if she wanted to come over and start "The Wire.
" I think you wanted to get caught.
Why would I want that? - You tell me.
- Tell you what? What's going on at home.
Nothing.
You said it.
Oh, don't you drop a sugar cube all superior.
How are you an expert? All you ever do is go for empty celebrity status grabs.
At least I'm in something real.
Why won't you just date a normal person? What is so wrong with that? Everything.
How would you even know? Ryan Salge.
Who? After "Yesternights" tanked, I was in a bad place and seeking comfort, so I got back together with my high school boyfriend Ryan Salge.
Things got normal fast.
We watched sports.
We had a brown cat.
We got excited about a "Star Wars.
" Pretty soon, I forgot all about my dreams because we were putting up shelves or whatever, and then one night at the Olive Garden with the good parking, Ryan proposed by hiding a ring in some Italian nachos.
As I was sucking off the meat and sauce, I heard it.
Sir, you pissed out my light.
Normal almost destroyed me, Dawn.
Never again.
- It's starting.
- Yes! "Censored" and I are gonna go public with our relationship.
Hey, that's progress.
In Q1 of 2023, after he wraps a reality show about finding his soulmate.
It's called "Love Shaq," a pun on nothing and spelled the normal way.
He just has to pretend to date the winner for, like, three months.
Okay, not progress.
Under daddy's wing ♪ There's a daddy ring ♪ He'll guard your heart ♪ Till you find your king ♪ - But till then ♪ - But till then ♪ I'll be your daddy boyfriend ♪ He'll be your daddy boyfriend ♪ Oh, what? Well, ran out of aisle.
Short aisle, folks.
Okay.
Well, now I have to give away Summer to me.
Oh, Lord.
You clown.
Oh, you know, when I first heard that Summer was gonna be single again, I prayed.
And the big man said, "You made a promise, Chris.
Now get down to Jared and pick out ring numero two.
" Now for a little housekeeping.
- I'm getting older now.
- No.
If the Lord should decide to calleth me to kick it before Summer finds the two, well, then the guardian of her chastity would fall to the next male heir in the Dutkowsky family.
That is her second cousin, Connor.
Who? Have you ever even heard of Connor? I don't like it.
He's too excited.
Now, I trust Connor 'cause he killed a garter snake.
You know, time flies.
It seems like just yesterday we were celebrating Summer's first ceremony.
- Do you remember that, honey? - Yeah.
- Of course.
- Do you remember that we gave you this Little Baby Lady? Jennifer Lynn.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, now you two were inseparable they were best buds.
- Okay.
- Look at her.
All safe and happy, her stock continuing to rise.
Summer, don't get your face oils on the box.
Just look at it.
The same as your stock will rise in the Lord's eyes after you take this vow.
- Oh.
- Summer, do you promise God, your future mate, your daddy, and potentially Connor too? - Not be put in a box! - What's this now? Not be put in a box.
I can't be like Jennifer Lynn.
Oh, I mean - I hated her! - Oh! She couldn't ever do anything.
Mom! Mom! Dad! I know that you all are just trying to protect me from making mistakes, and I kinda do want that 'cause it is hard out there.
But I was one of your mistakes.
I turned out pretty good.
Daddy, second-cousin Connor You're fired.
Because I already have someone who wants to look out for me, and her name - is me.
- Me? Oh, hallelujah! Whore.
- Your pipe down, Connor.
- What in the heck? How'd we shank that one, babe? I don't know, babe.
I think I know why I did it.
I feel boxed in.
So I skeezed and cheat-watched "Business Throne.
" We're just in this grind, you know? It's wake up, work, Max, TV, sleep, repeat.
Yeah.
I also did something weird.
- Did you fuck Cara? - No! I bought a gravel bike with Max's 529.
It cost four grand, and I can't return it because it's built to your heel-to-crotch ratio.
What? Wait, when did you get a mustache? I've been growing it for a month.
Oh, my God.
Well, I don't think couples our age look at each other 'cause you're always looking at your kid or "Business Throne" or - End of list.
- Mm.
Well, let's look at each other.
Okay.
It is 10:30 in the morning! Wow.
Between you two and the Chrisses, maybe there is something to dating a normie.
That's actually progress.
But I won't get Salged again.
I will only date the following types of normies: hotelier, chef, FamCo CEO, bald guy if he is a European soccer coach.
Would you get out of here? Fair.
God.
And for your files it was Shaq! - Leave! - Out! Oh! Well, you are walking the devil's path, honey.
- I'm sorry, Daddy.
- All I can say is, if you're ever at a thing and some folks are passing around an oversized, lubricated pepper grinder, put a condom on it.
'Cause sometimes there's pepper on the tip.
I think I have way more self-control than you guys, but thanks.
- Okay.
- All right, then.
Love you guys.
Love you too.
Here we go, darling.
Step up.
Careful, switch.
Maybe two hands on the wheel, Daddy.
- During turns, yes.
- Okay.
On straight highways, we hold hands! Okay, let's get to Annie Sez before the Bye, Mama.
I love you.
I love you.
- Good night, everybody! - Good night!