Golan the Insatiable (2013) s02e04 Episode Script
Shell Raiser
1 Sorry, princess, but I usually just paint flowers or butterflies.
Uh, I don't know what a chemical burn looks like.
Here, let me show you! [Gasps.]
[Screaming.]
[Laughing evilly.]
Oh, hey, Dylan, I see you got the invitation my mom forced me to send you.
I'm only here, Mackenzie B, because my godlord, Golan the Insatiable, will soon unleash - a fiery reign of terror - A fiery reign of terror Upon the peasants of Oak Grove, blah, blah, blah.
[Girls laughing.]
It's never gonna happen, 'cause Golan's stupid, Lazy and a complete screwup.
[Gasps.]
You will pay for your blasphemy! Golan is around here somewhere, plotting your bloody demise! Hey, Dylan! There's no toilet paper in this bathroom! [Yelps.]
Ooh-la-la, it's a toilet and a bathtub.
See that, Mackenzie B? The end is nigh! [Laughing evilly.]
[Farts.]
Any other princesses wanna hug a puppy? Blech! So gross.
Ooh, what's that? Something dangerous? Ooh! Whoa! - Hey! - What the hell is wrong with you? That turtle is teeming with dangerous bacteria, sweetie! Badass.
[Timer ringing.]
Well, that's all the time the birthday girl's parents paid for.
- Hey! - What the hell? Harry, pack it up! [Humming.]
# Minnesota # What the [Panting.]
[Grunting.]
- What the kadoodle was that? - Check it out, you moron! I can't believe I married such a loser.
Oh! [Grunting.]
You again? Get off my van! Excuse me! Sorry, honey.
You're right, you're right.
Get off my wife's van.
[Grunting.]
[Groans.]
- Good riddance! - Whoa! You, little turtle, are the key to destroying all of Oak Grove! Not so fast! Attack! No! Stop! Get away from me! [Screaming.]
You don't know what you're doing that turtle isn't safe! Neither is this van.
[Screaming.]
[Dramatic music playing.]
Bitch.
Yay! You, little turtle, shall be known as Shell Raiser! Dylan, you idiot, you left without your goody bag.
Now look who's godlord of the bubbles! Golan, Golan [Chuckles.]
I don't know, Alexis, are you sure I need a third job? You will be the only single mother in town without one.
Ah! I just don't think any of these jobs are for me.
Hey, dumpy! Great arm gesture.
Ever consider a career in modeling? [Giggling.]
Of course! Everyone dreams of things before they have - children.
- Ma! No! The modeling world is a horrible, ugly industry.
I should know I saw the HBO biopic, Gia.
- What happened? - The modeling world turned their back on Gia and they're gonna do it to you, too! Don't listen to your stupid daughter.
The modeling industry and I will always be there for you! - No matter what! - Oh, great! Sign me up! Golan, say hello to our deadliest weapon yet Shell Raiser the Infectious! A turtle? Dylan, you're such an idiot.
But, Golan, this little guy is covered in salmonella.
It's deadly to our two biggest enemies, young children and the elderly.
So are hot temperatures, but we're not adopting a space heater.
Which I've been begging Carole to buy all winter.
Carole: Just put on a sweater! I'm not a sweater guy! Dylan, listen, sure, he's cute, but as a weapon of mass destruction, I don't see it, dummy.
Fine.
But before I get rid of him, aren't you gonna give him a little kiss goodbye? Of course I'm gonna kiss him goodbye.
I'm not an animal.
Later, man.
[Vomiting.]
[Laughing.]
I told you so.
Dylan That doesn't That doesn't prove That doesn't prove he's really he's really poison actually, maybe he's a little a little a little poisonous.
But how are we gonna poison the entire town with one tiny turtle? That's how! In two days time, all of Oak Grove will gather to enjoy this year's annual Chili Eat Out.
Wouldn't it be a shame if a turtle contaminated the chili, - poisoning the whole town? - Great plan, Dylan.
But how are we gonna get into that chili pot? There's security all over the place.
[Mimicking siren.]
That's why we're going in from underneath.
That idea isn't just a little chilly, Dylan.
It's downright cold.
[Laughing evilly.]
Up high! Don't leave me hanging, turtle! [Grunts.]
Oh, no! Let's get our stories straight.
You pushed the turtle and then you fell trying to save him.
[Grunts.]
[Screaming.]
Real bummer about what happened to your turtle.
Gravity.
Such a dick, huh? Is it weird that we're both thinking about Baba John's Pizza right now? Meow Golan's stupid, lazy and a complete screwup.
[Giggling.]
Shut up, Mackenzie Cat.
You don't know anything about my godlord.
What's that, Molly McMumbles? [Mumbling.]
Uh, nothing.
I was just thinking about that prude, Mackenzie B.
She said you were a screwup.
Ha.
But that's that's crazy, right? Dylan, are you, like, are you like losing faith in me? Mr.
and Mrs.
Insatiable I've consulted the finest radiologists in all of Zurich, but I don't speak Swiss so it was all [mocking.]
borgy-borgy-borgy-borgy anyway, your turtle broke his leg.
See, Dylan? Broken leg.
No big deal.
I've broken your leg, like, what? 20 times, at least.
Actually, like with a horse or a migrant worker, a broken leg is a death sentence for a turtle.
[Gasps.]
A death sentence?! [Giggling.]
For this little guy, I prescribe a tiny bullet to his tiny turtle head.
[Gun cocks.]
[Gasps.]
No! [Women screaming.]
Let's go, Dylan! That turtle has a broken leg! Shoot it in the head! [Screaming.]
Golan, the guinea pigs! - Golan! - Good idea, Dylan! [Chanting.]
Akba dia! Guinea pig! [Screaming.]
[Ravving.]
Come on! Go, go, go, go, go! What are we gonna do? Shell Raiser's leg is still broken.
He's as good as dead.
I'll fix it, Dylan.
You just get back to the tree house! [Mimicking.]
I'm gonna get that little penguin a new leg.
That is an excellent idea! [Screaming.]
- Where to, ma'am? - Back home, please! [Honking.]
All right, Carole.
Gesture towards the kiosk as if it's a baked ham, you chunk-butted-goddess! I sure hope I don't screw it up.
[Screaming manically.]
[Heavily distorted indistinct speech.]
Introducing the fourth mobile accessory kiosk in the mall, Case In Your Face! Take it away, Carole.
Ta-da! That a girl, Carole! I did it! I did it! I'm a model.
[Screaming excitedly.]
Ta-da! [Applause.]
Ta-da! Ta-da! Ta-da! Ta-da! Ta-da! [Shrieking.]
[All gasping.]
Oh, that popping and tearing sound is new.
[Chuckles nervously.]
Golan: What is so hard to understand? I don't want the whole turtle, I just want to bash its head in, and rip one of its legs off and attach it to a turtle that I pushed out of a tree.
Sir, I can't sell you a turtle if I know you're going to rip its leg off.
Oh, fine.
[Mocking.]
One whole turtle, please, whom I plan to raise with grace and a top hat.
- Oh, okay.
That'll be $1.
- Ooh, and this candy bar, too.
That'll be $1.
75.
But I only have a dollar.
Uh Uh Uh Uh Uh Damn you, impulse buys! - Hey, what the - Hey, heads up, fat ass! [Boys laughing.]
Nice arm, stoner guy.
Good muscle definition.
Supple elbow skin.
- Thanks, dude.
- This will work.
[Screaming.]
Why are you hitting yourself? [Screaming.]
Why are you hitting yourself? Why are you kissing yourself? [Smooches.]
Why are you kissing yourself? [Laughing.]
[Screaming.]
My arm! Come on, Shell Raiser, eat something.
You cannot give up! Helen Keller never gave up! And she was a turtle, for all she knew.
Honey, arm home! [Laughing.]
Whoa, a human arm? Do you really think that's going to work, m'lord? Why don't we all take a vote.
All in favor of giving it a try? - Me! - Me! [Mocking.]
Me, too! Now let's get to work.
[Chanting.]
Ta-lie amlah.
Aaa ickluh slogurz a blah! Yes! Yes! Yes! [Car alarm blaring.]
[Car alarm blaring.]
[Car alarm blaring.]
[Giggling.]
Dylan: Oh, no, he's dead! Dylan, let us give our dear friend a traditional Gkruoolian send-off.
I'll take the front hole, you take the back, and let's try not to meet in the middle.
If we do, though, don't, don't make it weird.
No, wait look! [Gasping.]
Shell Raiser's alive! Dylan's flat-chested! - Hey! - What? I thought we were just yelling out things that are super obvious.
I'll never doubt you again, master.
And you better not, you dumb-ass.
We're definitely going to poison the town this time! I'll go steal the digging equipment.
You go to the hardware store and get the reinforcement beams for the tunnel.
[Laughing evilly.]
'Sup, player? [Gasps.]
Is that marijuana? Whoa-oh.
No, thank you.
Dylan is counting on me to get those beams.
Plus, softball is my drug.
All the cool kids, you say? I'm sorry, Carole, but you've completely ruptured your shoulder.
If you flourish again too soon, you may severely injure yourself and never flourish again.
But I'm supposed to present the chili pot at the Chili Eat Out tomorrow.
I can't let you do that.
And I'll go back in time to stop you if I have to.
It's over, Carole, you're done.
- Finished.
And so are we.
- But you said you and the entire modeling industry would be there for me.
Well, we're not, Carole.
Go find something else to do.
Maybe go kill yourself or get a job as a dental hygienist.
What's the difference? [Gasping.]
[Exclaiming.]
Levi, sign me up! Damn it.
I'm too late.
Hmm, time traveling doctor? I bet I'd be great at that.
There's the digger! Nighty-night.
Whoa, first I find Jesus and then meat? What a night! [Engine starts.]
[Screams.]
[Laughing.]
Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! [Phone ringing.]
Man: Hi, thanks for calling refrigerator depot, how can I help you? Uh, hello.
Is your refrigerator running? Why, yes.
All of our refrigerators run efficiently.
Well, you better catch it! What the? The fridges! They're alive.
No! No! They're eating the customers! [Screaming.]
[Laughing.]
No! [Laughing.]
Uh-oh.
Hey, Golan, I got the digger! It's totally badass! Wait, where are all the support beams you were supposed to get? Dylan, I can totally explain.
Except I'm running out of saliva.
Oh, my god! I'm swallowing my tongue.
Is this what a heart attack feels like? [Car honking.]
[Screaming.]
Ah, it's the cops, man! I'm not going back to jail! Back off, or I waste the turtle! [Screaming.]
[Thud.]
False alarm, everybody! [Laughs.]
It's not the cops.
It's Baba John's! What is up with that dude today? Oh.
My.
God.
Golan, you're smoking pot? What? It's not even It's not even mine! - It's Shell Raiser's! - Turtles don't like to party.
Wait a minute.
Where did you get that arm? - Uh - Was it the arm of a stoner?! Dylan, you're making a big deal out of this.
We can still use Shell Raiser to poison the Chili Eat Out or we could just stay up and watch Borat all night.
[Bad imitation.]
Look-a-here.
I have a-spouse, uh [Laughing.]
You know what? Mackenzie B was right.
You are a screwup.
[Gasps.]
I'm done with you.
And you, Shell Raiser.
And you, Baba John's delivery guy.
I'll find my own turtle and I'll poison the chili all by myself.
I don't want to ever see you three again! [Whimpering.]
Never? All those hours [Music.]
and all those days all those years through the wave we are together Oh, god, I'm so hungry.
Hi, I'm former model, Carole Beekler.
I'll be your dental hygienist.
- Hi, Mom.
- Alexis? Mom, you are not meant to be a dental hygienist! Oh, no one is meant to be a dental hygienist.
You were meant to be a model! But what about my injured shoulder? Forget your shoulder! [Groans.]
I am not gonna let the modeling world do to you what it did to Gia! Now let's get you to the Chili Eat Out.
[Squealing.]
[Gunshot.]
[Man screaming.]
[Dylan laughing evilly.]
Man: I've been robbed! [Beeping.]
[Beeps loudly.]
This must be the spot! Come on, little guy! Mmm.
I knew it! See, anonymous-pet-store-turtle? We didn't need that screwup Golan or the support beams he was supposed to install [screaming.]
[Music playing.]
No, thanks, Shell Raiser.
I'm just not in the mood.
Hey, you're the monster that ripped off my arm! - Uh-oh.
- Well, I'm about to blow your mind, because that night, you saved my life.
- Okay - You see, I once had a bright future.
But then I started hanging out with this porcupine who had a human foot, and we started getting high together.
- I disappointed those who believed in me.
- Wow, like I did to Dylan.
But then, like an angel from the heavens, you ripped my arm right out of the socket.
And it was then that I decided to quit drugs and rededicate myself to my craft, and that's how I became one of those Major League baseball players with one arm! So, wait.
You're saying you have pot on you? Or you want me to buy pot from you? No, you missed the point Awesome! Ha! Dylan, did you see the way that guy [Sighs.]
Oh, I forgot.
Dylan thinks I'm a screwup.
All those hours and all those days Dylan: Help! Someone! Help! Dylan? Shell Raiser, Dylan's in trouble! All the cool kids, you say? Welcome to the Oak Grove Chili Eat Out! - I love you, mayor! - All right, Esther, get out there and gesture towards that giant pot of chili, you pot-bellied princess! Oh, no, we're too late! I've already been replaced.
[Screaming.]
Oh, my god, Ma! She got eaten by a fridge, just like Gia! Now's your chance.
Get up there! And now for the presentation of the Oak Grove Chili Eat Out chili-pot, Esther Oh! Carole Beekler! [Grunting.]
It's right there! It's next to me.
- Which side next to you? - I'm confused! Is she the chili? [Grunting.]
- So hungry.
[groans.]
- I'm here! I met some guy who said some stuff, and I realized some things.
I'm sure it's whatever you were mad about and I fixed it.
- Because - Ow! I'll make everything right by finishing the plan and poisoning the town's chili with Shell Raiser.
Really? Yes! Let's do it, Golan.
[Grunting.]
This time [grunting.]
Ah! Uh-oh! [Grunting.]
You can do it, Mom.
Okay.
Here I go.
[Inhaling deeply.]
[In high-pitched voice.]
Ta-da! [Screaming.]
Oh, there's the chili pot! [Crowd cheering.]
Let's eat! Ma, you did it! This is the most horrible pain I've ever felt in my life, - and I once slept with Golan! - You, too? Oh, no, the chili's gone! [All gasping.]
Who wants Chinese? [All cheering.]
[Screaming.]
[Groaning.]
- Wow, Golan, that did not work out.
- No, it didn't.
I guess you were right, Dylan.
My mom, the whore, was right.
I'm a complete screwup.
Maybe there's another dimension out there for complete and total screwups like me.
Maybe in Florida.
[Sobbing.]
Wait! Golan, you didn't screw this up! This whole thing was my stupid plan! So, actually, I'm the one who screwed up! Not you! Look! I'm the weak link in this relationship.
That's right.
That's exactly what I was saying.
God, Dylan.
You're the worst.
- Your plan was terrible.
- You hear that, Mackenzie B? I'm the screwup! Not Golan! Me! That's right, this is all Dylan's fault! Hey, dumpy! Great arm gesture.
Ever consider a career in modeling?
Uh, I don't know what a chemical burn looks like.
Here, let me show you! [Gasps.]
[Screaming.]
[Laughing evilly.]
Oh, hey, Dylan, I see you got the invitation my mom forced me to send you.
I'm only here, Mackenzie B, because my godlord, Golan the Insatiable, will soon unleash - a fiery reign of terror - A fiery reign of terror Upon the peasants of Oak Grove, blah, blah, blah.
[Girls laughing.]
It's never gonna happen, 'cause Golan's stupid, Lazy and a complete screwup.
[Gasps.]
You will pay for your blasphemy! Golan is around here somewhere, plotting your bloody demise! Hey, Dylan! There's no toilet paper in this bathroom! [Yelps.]
Ooh-la-la, it's a toilet and a bathtub.
See that, Mackenzie B? The end is nigh! [Laughing evilly.]
[Farts.]
Any other princesses wanna hug a puppy? Blech! So gross.
Ooh, what's that? Something dangerous? Ooh! Whoa! - Hey! - What the hell is wrong with you? That turtle is teeming with dangerous bacteria, sweetie! Badass.
[Timer ringing.]
Well, that's all the time the birthday girl's parents paid for.
- Hey! - What the hell? Harry, pack it up! [Humming.]
# Minnesota # What the [Panting.]
[Grunting.]
- What the kadoodle was that? - Check it out, you moron! I can't believe I married such a loser.
Oh! [Grunting.]
You again? Get off my van! Excuse me! Sorry, honey.
You're right, you're right.
Get off my wife's van.
[Grunting.]
[Groans.]
- Good riddance! - Whoa! You, little turtle, are the key to destroying all of Oak Grove! Not so fast! Attack! No! Stop! Get away from me! [Screaming.]
You don't know what you're doing that turtle isn't safe! Neither is this van.
[Screaming.]
[Dramatic music playing.]
Bitch.
Yay! You, little turtle, shall be known as Shell Raiser! Dylan, you idiot, you left without your goody bag.
Now look who's godlord of the bubbles! Golan, Golan [Chuckles.]
I don't know, Alexis, are you sure I need a third job? You will be the only single mother in town without one.
Ah! I just don't think any of these jobs are for me.
Hey, dumpy! Great arm gesture.
Ever consider a career in modeling? [Giggling.]
Of course! Everyone dreams of things before they have - children.
- Ma! No! The modeling world is a horrible, ugly industry.
I should know I saw the HBO biopic, Gia.
- What happened? - The modeling world turned their back on Gia and they're gonna do it to you, too! Don't listen to your stupid daughter.
The modeling industry and I will always be there for you! - No matter what! - Oh, great! Sign me up! Golan, say hello to our deadliest weapon yet Shell Raiser the Infectious! A turtle? Dylan, you're such an idiot.
But, Golan, this little guy is covered in salmonella.
It's deadly to our two biggest enemies, young children and the elderly.
So are hot temperatures, but we're not adopting a space heater.
Which I've been begging Carole to buy all winter.
Carole: Just put on a sweater! I'm not a sweater guy! Dylan, listen, sure, he's cute, but as a weapon of mass destruction, I don't see it, dummy.
Fine.
But before I get rid of him, aren't you gonna give him a little kiss goodbye? Of course I'm gonna kiss him goodbye.
I'm not an animal.
Later, man.
[Vomiting.]
[Laughing.]
I told you so.
Dylan That doesn't That doesn't prove That doesn't prove he's really he's really poison actually, maybe he's a little a little a little poisonous.
But how are we gonna poison the entire town with one tiny turtle? That's how! In two days time, all of Oak Grove will gather to enjoy this year's annual Chili Eat Out.
Wouldn't it be a shame if a turtle contaminated the chili, - poisoning the whole town? - Great plan, Dylan.
But how are we gonna get into that chili pot? There's security all over the place.
[Mimicking siren.]
That's why we're going in from underneath.
That idea isn't just a little chilly, Dylan.
It's downright cold.
[Laughing evilly.]
Up high! Don't leave me hanging, turtle! [Grunts.]
Oh, no! Let's get our stories straight.
You pushed the turtle and then you fell trying to save him.
[Grunts.]
[Screaming.]
Real bummer about what happened to your turtle.
Gravity.
Such a dick, huh? Is it weird that we're both thinking about Baba John's Pizza right now? Meow Golan's stupid, lazy and a complete screwup.
[Giggling.]
Shut up, Mackenzie Cat.
You don't know anything about my godlord.
What's that, Molly McMumbles? [Mumbling.]
Uh, nothing.
I was just thinking about that prude, Mackenzie B.
She said you were a screwup.
Ha.
But that's that's crazy, right? Dylan, are you, like, are you like losing faith in me? Mr.
and Mrs.
Insatiable I've consulted the finest radiologists in all of Zurich, but I don't speak Swiss so it was all [mocking.]
borgy-borgy-borgy-borgy anyway, your turtle broke his leg.
See, Dylan? Broken leg.
No big deal.
I've broken your leg, like, what? 20 times, at least.
Actually, like with a horse or a migrant worker, a broken leg is a death sentence for a turtle.
[Gasps.]
A death sentence?! [Giggling.]
For this little guy, I prescribe a tiny bullet to his tiny turtle head.
[Gun cocks.]
[Gasps.]
No! [Women screaming.]
Let's go, Dylan! That turtle has a broken leg! Shoot it in the head! [Screaming.]
Golan, the guinea pigs! - Golan! - Good idea, Dylan! [Chanting.]
Akba dia! Guinea pig! [Screaming.]
[Ravving.]
Come on! Go, go, go, go, go! What are we gonna do? Shell Raiser's leg is still broken.
He's as good as dead.
I'll fix it, Dylan.
You just get back to the tree house! [Mimicking.]
I'm gonna get that little penguin a new leg.
That is an excellent idea! [Screaming.]
- Where to, ma'am? - Back home, please! [Honking.]
All right, Carole.
Gesture towards the kiosk as if it's a baked ham, you chunk-butted-goddess! I sure hope I don't screw it up.
[Screaming manically.]
[Heavily distorted indistinct speech.]
Introducing the fourth mobile accessory kiosk in the mall, Case In Your Face! Take it away, Carole.
Ta-da! That a girl, Carole! I did it! I did it! I'm a model.
[Screaming excitedly.]
Ta-da! [Applause.]
Ta-da! Ta-da! Ta-da! Ta-da! Ta-da! [Shrieking.]
[All gasping.]
Oh, that popping and tearing sound is new.
[Chuckles nervously.]
Golan: What is so hard to understand? I don't want the whole turtle, I just want to bash its head in, and rip one of its legs off and attach it to a turtle that I pushed out of a tree.
Sir, I can't sell you a turtle if I know you're going to rip its leg off.
Oh, fine.
[Mocking.]
One whole turtle, please, whom I plan to raise with grace and a top hat.
- Oh, okay.
That'll be $1.
- Ooh, and this candy bar, too.
That'll be $1.
75.
But I only have a dollar.
Uh Uh Uh Uh Uh Damn you, impulse buys! - Hey, what the - Hey, heads up, fat ass! [Boys laughing.]
Nice arm, stoner guy.
Good muscle definition.
Supple elbow skin.
- Thanks, dude.
- This will work.
[Screaming.]
Why are you hitting yourself? [Screaming.]
Why are you hitting yourself? Why are you kissing yourself? [Smooches.]
Why are you kissing yourself? [Laughing.]
[Screaming.]
My arm! Come on, Shell Raiser, eat something.
You cannot give up! Helen Keller never gave up! And she was a turtle, for all she knew.
Honey, arm home! [Laughing.]
Whoa, a human arm? Do you really think that's going to work, m'lord? Why don't we all take a vote.
All in favor of giving it a try? - Me! - Me! [Mocking.]
Me, too! Now let's get to work.
[Chanting.]
Ta-lie amlah.
Aaa ickluh slogurz a blah! Yes! Yes! Yes! [Car alarm blaring.]
[Car alarm blaring.]
[Car alarm blaring.]
[Giggling.]
Dylan: Oh, no, he's dead! Dylan, let us give our dear friend a traditional Gkruoolian send-off.
I'll take the front hole, you take the back, and let's try not to meet in the middle.
If we do, though, don't, don't make it weird.
No, wait look! [Gasping.]
Shell Raiser's alive! Dylan's flat-chested! - Hey! - What? I thought we were just yelling out things that are super obvious.
I'll never doubt you again, master.
And you better not, you dumb-ass.
We're definitely going to poison the town this time! I'll go steal the digging equipment.
You go to the hardware store and get the reinforcement beams for the tunnel.
[Laughing evilly.]
'Sup, player? [Gasps.]
Is that marijuana? Whoa-oh.
No, thank you.
Dylan is counting on me to get those beams.
Plus, softball is my drug.
All the cool kids, you say? I'm sorry, Carole, but you've completely ruptured your shoulder.
If you flourish again too soon, you may severely injure yourself and never flourish again.
But I'm supposed to present the chili pot at the Chili Eat Out tomorrow.
I can't let you do that.
And I'll go back in time to stop you if I have to.
It's over, Carole, you're done.
- Finished.
And so are we.
- But you said you and the entire modeling industry would be there for me.
Well, we're not, Carole.
Go find something else to do.
Maybe go kill yourself or get a job as a dental hygienist.
What's the difference? [Gasping.]
[Exclaiming.]
Levi, sign me up! Damn it.
I'm too late.
Hmm, time traveling doctor? I bet I'd be great at that.
There's the digger! Nighty-night.
Whoa, first I find Jesus and then meat? What a night! [Engine starts.]
[Screams.]
[Laughing.]
Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! [Phone ringing.]
Man: Hi, thanks for calling refrigerator depot, how can I help you? Uh, hello.
Is your refrigerator running? Why, yes.
All of our refrigerators run efficiently.
Well, you better catch it! What the? The fridges! They're alive.
No! No! They're eating the customers! [Screaming.]
[Laughing.]
No! [Laughing.]
Uh-oh.
Hey, Golan, I got the digger! It's totally badass! Wait, where are all the support beams you were supposed to get? Dylan, I can totally explain.
Except I'm running out of saliva.
Oh, my god! I'm swallowing my tongue.
Is this what a heart attack feels like? [Car honking.]
[Screaming.]
Ah, it's the cops, man! I'm not going back to jail! Back off, or I waste the turtle! [Screaming.]
[Thud.]
False alarm, everybody! [Laughs.]
It's not the cops.
It's Baba John's! What is up with that dude today? Oh.
My.
God.
Golan, you're smoking pot? What? It's not even It's not even mine! - It's Shell Raiser's! - Turtles don't like to party.
Wait a minute.
Where did you get that arm? - Uh - Was it the arm of a stoner?! Dylan, you're making a big deal out of this.
We can still use Shell Raiser to poison the Chili Eat Out or we could just stay up and watch Borat all night.
[Bad imitation.]
Look-a-here.
I have a-spouse, uh [Laughing.]
You know what? Mackenzie B was right.
You are a screwup.
[Gasps.]
I'm done with you.
And you, Shell Raiser.
And you, Baba John's delivery guy.
I'll find my own turtle and I'll poison the chili all by myself.
I don't want to ever see you three again! [Whimpering.]
Never? All those hours [Music.]
and all those days all those years through the wave we are together Oh, god, I'm so hungry.
Hi, I'm former model, Carole Beekler.
I'll be your dental hygienist.
- Hi, Mom.
- Alexis? Mom, you are not meant to be a dental hygienist! Oh, no one is meant to be a dental hygienist.
You were meant to be a model! But what about my injured shoulder? Forget your shoulder! [Groans.]
I am not gonna let the modeling world do to you what it did to Gia! Now let's get you to the Chili Eat Out.
[Squealing.]
[Gunshot.]
[Man screaming.]
[Dylan laughing evilly.]
Man: I've been robbed! [Beeping.]
[Beeps loudly.]
This must be the spot! Come on, little guy! Mmm.
I knew it! See, anonymous-pet-store-turtle? We didn't need that screwup Golan or the support beams he was supposed to install [screaming.]
[Music playing.]
No, thanks, Shell Raiser.
I'm just not in the mood.
Hey, you're the monster that ripped off my arm! - Uh-oh.
- Well, I'm about to blow your mind, because that night, you saved my life.
- Okay - You see, I once had a bright future.
But then I started hanging out with this porcupine who had a human foot, and we started getting high together.
- I disappointed those who believed in me.
- Wow, like I did to Dylan.
But then, like an angel from the heavens, you ripped my arm right out of the socket.
And it was then that I decided to quit drugs and rededicate myself to my craft, and that's how I became one of those Major League baseball players with one arm! So, wait.
You're saying you have pot on you? Or you want me to buy pot from you? No, you missed the point Awesome! Ha! Dylan, did you see the way that guy [Sighs.]
Oh, I forgot.
Dylan thinks I'm a screwup.
All those hours and all those days Dylan: Help! Someone! Help! Dylan? Shell Raiser, Dylan's in trouble! All the cool kids, you say? Welcome to the Oak Grove Chili Eat Out! - I love you, mayor! - All right, Esther, get out there and gesture towards that giant pot of chili, you pot-bellied princess! Oh, no, we're too late! I've already been replaced.
[Screaming.]
Oh, my god, Ma! She got eaten by a fridge, just like Gia! Now's your chance.
Get up there! And now for the presentation of the Oak Grove Chili Eat Out chili-pot, Esther Oh! Carole Beekler! [Grunting.]
It's right there! It's next to me.
- Which side next to you? - I'm confused! Is she the chili? [Grunting.]
- So hungry.
[groans.]
- I'm here! I met some guy who said some stuff, and I realized some things.
I'm sure it's whatever you were mad about and I fixed it.
- Because - Ow! I'll make everything right by finishing the plan and poisoning the town's chili with Shell Raiser.
Really? Yes! Let's do it, Golan.
[Grunting.]
This time [grunting.]
Ah! Uh-oh! [Grunting.]
You can do it, Mom.
Okay.
Here I go.
[Inhaling deeply.]
[In high-pitched voice.]
Ta-da! [Screaming.]
Oh, there's the chili pot! [Crowd cheering.]
Let's eat! Ma, you did it! This is the most horrible pain I've ever felt in my life, - and I once slept with Golan! - You, too? Oh, no, the chili's gone! [All gasping.]
Who wants Chinese? [All cheering.]
[Screaming.]
[Groaning.]
- Wow, Golan, that did not work out.
- No, it didn't.
I guess you were right, Dylan.
My mom, the whore, was right.
I'm a complete screwup.
Maybe there's another dimension out there for complete and total screwups like me.
Maybe in Florida.
[Sobbing.]
Wait! Golan, you didn't screw this up! This whole thing was my stupid plan! So, actually, I'm the one who screwed up! Not you! Look! I'm the weak link in this relationship.
That's right.
That's exactly what I was saying.
God, Dylan.
You're the worst.
- Your plan was terrible.
- You hear that, Mackenzie B? I'm the screwup! Not Golan! Me! That's right, this is all Dylan's fault! Hey, dumpy! Great arm gesture.
Ever consider a career in modeling?