Gossip Girl (2021) s02e04 Episode Script

1
Sweet afternoon, amorous ones.
To celebrate or not to celebrate?
That is not a question.
One simple thing separates
those who love Valentine's Day
from those who do not,
and it has nothing to do with
candy hearts or singing telegrams.
It's all about that plus one.
Or in some cases, that plus two.
What? Thought you like it when I bite.
Uh, you two go. Um, I wanna watch.
That's the third time
he's sat out this week.
We'll just give him a show then.
But what about those of you
who are spending this V-Day plus none?
Welcome to "Stop the Story."
Obie was my first real love.
And I wanted to show all of you
just how great that love was.
But I picked and chose what I saw.
I'm stopping that story.
I'm gonna take you
behind the scenes of moments
that looked perfect
but were actually painful.
Curated instead of experienced.
Hoped Obie would be my guest
on pulling back that curtain,
but as you can see,
he's stopped my story all by himself.
Okay. Leave a comment.
Have you made amends with an ex?
Do you hope to?
And I'll see you back here at five,
for the truth about how hard
"making it look easy" is
on the people who love you.
What really matters
are the ways we show up
for that special someone.
And making sure
they're showing up for you, too.
I have a surprise for you.
Better be a black car
taking you to school.
You're gonna be late.
Look, I've missed you this week,
and I wanted to do something
special for your
coming back up and all.
So I decided I'd make breakfast
from your favorite restaurant.
And then I remembered
that you really like
the gougères at Benoit.
And more importantly,
I don't know how to cook.
So I thought,
why not bring Benoit to you?
Maybe it's too much.
But a week is a long time
to be apart from your perfect,
amazing, hopefully famished girlfriend.
It's wonderful.
Can't it be like this all the time?
You know I'd be here if I could.
If only I could be two places at once.
This Hallmark-created holiday
is for kissing and telling.
Or wanting to kiss
and telling them, too.
Is that another new suit?
Yeah. Greyson de Haan
sent a couple over.
Part of the welcome, I guess.
Or a reminder that he bought you.
Like Monet buys people.
You know, it kinda runs in their family.
Slow down, 1619 Project.
You're forgetting, I'm not for sale.
Right. I'm sure that's what
the Post told Bezos.
Whatever your plans,
Liz Taylor once said,
"Pour yourself a drink"
"put on some lipstick,
and pull yourself together."
So, followers, pucker up.
Small iced oat latte?
Excuse me. Iced oat latte?
Wait.
Didn't we meet
at the debutante thing or
I thought I recognized you.
- Uh, Graham Smith.
- Julien Calloway.
Nice to see you again, away from
whatever it is that was.
You got a gig near here?
Just on my way to class.
I go to Mannes School of Music.
You just carry that thing
everywhere with you, huh?
You get used to it.
It was more ridiculous
when I was twelve
and it was twice my size.
You play anything?
Uh, this is the only
instrument I'm any good with.
And what do you do with that?
Well, I used to use it
to perpetuate a whole bunch
of lies to help people feel bad
about themselves.
But now I'm trying this thing
called honesty, you know?
Pulling back the facade.
Exposing the lies beneath.
Oh, how postmodern.
Or what I'm doing
before I distract myself
with something else?
I feel like I keep trying things,
and nothing seems to be working.
Maybe this time.
As much as I appreciate the company,
isn't this the wrong way to Mannes?
Wow, she knows where Mannes is!
My dad's a musician
Uh, was a musician. So.
I kinda wanna hear more about
your "Stop the Story" thing.
Okay, I started following you
after the deb brawl.
Way to bury the lede!
Well, the next one I'm doing
is about being tragically single
on Valentine's Day.
You could make a guest appearance?
You're married? How old are you?
Twenty-one. Uh. High school sweetheart.
Long story.
I'm sure it's a really good one.
Yeah, it's, um
She's great.
Nice to meet you officially, Graham.
You too.
Hey, so, unexpected news.
We already know about you and Shubin.
Nothing to know. Just hanging out.
Clothes on or off?
Wendy! I don't wanna hear about that.
She's not your mom.
She's allowed to have sex.
Gossip Girl just got
photographic evidence
that Greyson de Haan
is cheating on Camille.
Merry Christmas.
Isn't that, like, the one gift
you've always wanted?
Where is it? I keep refreshing.
Ugh. I miss being in on the action.
I didn't post it yet.
I thought I would do the right thing.
Tell Camille privately first.
It's not because goody-two-Shubins
is getting to you?
- Morning.
- Morning.
I simply thought I would extend it
as a sort of interpersonal olive branch
to repair whatever wrong foot
she and I got off on.
Right, because telling someone
their husband
is cheating on them
always makes them like you.
Jillian Vose is guesting
at DUMBO Hall tonight.
What do you say
to a Valentine's Eve pre-game?
And then after, since Dad and Pops
are further cementing
their reconciliation,
we've got an entire townhouse
to ourselves.
We might have to try some
new things in some new rooms.
I promised my mom we'd hang out.
I haven't
haven't seen her in a while.
Your mom?
Um, I'll see you at brunch tomorrow?
Mm.
That's odd. Jodie always spends V-Day
- in Vail with Warren Buffet.
- Mm-hmm.
Don't ask me how that guy still skis.
Are you sure she's going this year?
I helped her pick an
après-ski look just last week.
First he shuts down in bed,
and now he's lying to us.
My spidey senses are tingling,
Hope. And not in a good way.
How long is Grace here this time?
Forty-eight hours.
Yeah, I mean, it was great
when we were together every day.
But now, you know, like,
after this trip,
she doesn't plan on coming back
for a month.
This long-distance thing's jus
You know.
I mean, it kills relationships.
What if you didn't have to do it?
What, just leave school and follow her
on her mom's campaign trail?
Why doesn't she just enroll here?
- Like like Constance here?
- No, look, I'm sure she wants
to spend as much time with you
as you do her.
Maybe she's just waiting for you to ask.
Thanks, Ak. I hadn't, uh
I hadn't thought of that.
C'mon. Let's get out of here.
- I felt that chill from here.
- Okay, so it's not just me.
Oh, no. No. He's definitely
avoiding you. Just like old times!
Good thing we get to turn our minds off
at our annual spa day.
Our minds? You too?
With two people, it's easy to know
when you're on the same page,
but what if there isn't room for three?
Gotta think about
how to work out our kinks
while Tamiko works out
my kinks tomorrow.
And as for Mr. Bergmann,
I think you know what that's about.
That it's hard being friends with an ex
with your new girlfriend around
no matter how much you wish it wasn't.
"Stop the Story," I think she's got it.
"Can she let it be?" is another story.
Let's get falafel,
hang at Bleeker playground.
Time Out rated it
the best place to dump someone,
so there's bound to be
some deeply tragic breakups
night before V-Day.
Yeah, while that sounds
absolutely terrible
Mm-hmm.
I'm committed to spending
the day with my dad.
Yeah,
we're committed to this bit
where we painfully mask
the weirdness between us.
And I know you think he's some, like,
burgeoning corporate overlord,
but what if he's a Trojan Horse?
You know? Changing things
secretly from the inside?
- Hmm.
- Yeah. He's a good guy.
Unless you know something I don't.
How bout I join you guys?
I need help with my V-Day plans.
I'm going full Bachelorette,
ten suitors lined up
for the Kiss on the Lips party.
Ten? I don't even have one.
- What about Terrell?
- Terrell who?
Don't play like you haven't
been stalking him
- since the deb ball.
- You can't stalk somebody
who doesn't have social media presence.
Do you know how many pictures I've seen
that are just "hashtag Terrell?"
I know nothing about him
besides how hot he is.
Girl, that's why you ask someone out.
- The "out" is to find out.
- Move it, peons!
- Sorry.
- Whoa, yeah. Sorry.
He was Monet's escort.
Get her to hook you up.
I'm not asking the queen of mean.
Fine. I will. Yo Mo Mo!
Lil Z's and me's has a query for ya.
It's just one simple question.
We don't need an appointment for that.
Have you ever heard of precedence?
If we do it for you,
we have to do it for anyone.
And we do not do things for anyone.
Um Terrell Carter.
I was wondering if you could
make an intro for me with him?
Do I look like Cupid for poors?
Kindly move along.
The lower steps are getting bold.
What is Harris wearing?
Queen D, I know your dress code
said only designer khakis,
but Matches, Mr. Porter,
and Essence sold out in my sample size,
so I had no choice but to Rag and Bone.
I kneel before thee as a sign
of remorse.
It'll never happen again.
Hey, I eased up
on the dress code last week.
But addressing me
by my proper title? That stays.
Thank you for this kindness.
Mm.
No, be who you are! It's okay!
Why does no one believe me?
We all thought it was a trick.
They're expecting to be excoriated.
Were you actually serious?
What When am I ever not? Yes, I mean,
too many restrictions
is turning people against me.
- I can feel it.
- Yes, because they fear you.
I want them to like and fear me.
Mm. That's not possible.
Sure it is. Look at Shonda Rhimes.
You'd have to
give them a reason to like you.
Like Julien did.
Fear may have gotten you to the top,
but only respect can keep you there.
Well, isn't teaching them style
and taste worthy of respect?
Julien is kind, okay?
That's why she gains 20,000 followers
just by blinking on TikTok.
If you want what she has,
you have to rule
with an open hand. Not an iron fist.
Say more things.
The annual Kiss on the Lips party.
That only the reigning Queen
gets to throw.
Should be open to all,
not exclusive for next-to-none.
Show everyone a good time,
and you can reign forever.
Oh, Luna. Forever in La-land.
If you invite all the Ps? 'Kay?
Then the VIs don't show.
Take my advice. Or don't.
The longer this goes on,
the less time you do.
Guess that's what you get
by outsourcing your henchwomen
from Midtown East.
You heard her. Open the gates
and make it friendlier than ever.
Love is all around. Got that?
You shouldn't have come here.
I haven't seen you in a week.
Well, the campaign is keeping me busy.
As well as this Obie guy.
My mom forbade me to see you.
"This Obie guy" keeps her
off our tracks.
She thinks I'm with him
when I'm with you,
and he thinks I'm with her
when I'm with you.
Works for everyone.
But you weren't
with either of us last week.
Sometimes that's unavoidable
Wait. Was that the elevator?
It's a big building.
W you need to go. Now!
Are you sure you aren't enjoying him?
- Why aren't you leaving?
- Maybe I want him to see us?
No, Matías, you don't.
Please just hide now!
Obie!
- Hi.
- You're back early.
Hi. Yeah. I just I had this idea
and I I wanted to share it with you.
There's always the phone.
Are you okay? You
You look a little flushed.
I just took a hot shower. What's up?
Well, I know how much you hate
traveling with your mom.
And I was just thinking
that maybe you didn't have to.
God, you look so sexy right now!
Sorry, you're just so irresistible.
What were you going to say?
Um nothing. Just, uh, just, uh
glad we get to spend
Valentine's Day together.
Thank you so much.
Of course, Mrs. de Haan.
Mrs. de Haan.
I was actually hoping to see you.
And here I am, just coming from
a talk with our new Head Teacher.
She wanted to get acquainted
and hear who I feel
are standouts amongst the faculty,
and who I believe might have slipped in
due to her predecessor's
significantly lower standards.
And, uh, where do I fall in your eyes?
Before you go,
I owe it to you
to share some information.
I know it's none of my business,
but
I saw your husband this morning
exiting The Bowery with another woman.
And I can only imagine if I saw them,
someone else could've,
and go tell Gossip Girl.
Whatever you think you saw,
I assure you, it was not my husband.
While I do not appreciate
the accusation you're making
about my marriage,
I will not notify
the Head Teacher about this,
purely out of sympathy
for whatever episode
you are clearly having.
But if you ever
try something like this again,
or if a tip about this ends up
on Gossip Girl,
your head will roll so fast
and so far
you'll never catch up to it.
- Hey!
- Hey, babe.
- I'm just running late for Jodi.
- Oh, I won't keep you.
I just wanted to check in,
see how you're doing.
Why do you keep asking me that?
We're your partners!
We want to see how you're doing.
I'm annoyed by you asking?
I would tell you if I wasn't fine.
Your hair's wet. Did you just have PE?
Um, yeah. I'll I'll see you
at the Kiss on the Lips party tomorrow.
What did I miss?
Making Aki upset
for asking him how he was?
PE must've riled him up.
He doesn't take PE this semester.
He's on the wrestling team.
- And they don't meet today.
- He just showered.
What do you wanna do?
I wanted to thank you
for your advice earlier.
And I want to thank you for yours.
I'm gonna be spending
the afternoon alone. Just me.
Same here. I'm just gonna let Aki, Aki.
- Gonna let Obie, Obie.
- See you tomorrow?
"Dr. Eamonn Veta." The Menzies' GP.
Happy Valentine's Eve, followers.
Just as certain as tomorrow will be
our Upper East Sider's annual
ultra-exclusive Kiss on the Lips party,
I bear the promise
of another sure thing.
This year, Cupid is taking the day off.
So to those of you who might be busy
spending the day
making plans to find love
know this. I'm taking over.
And I'm going to make sure
you and your loved ones know it.
Have they ever heard
of natural lighting?
Quiet. I'm trying to hear.
I have to take it every day?
And Descovy is the same thing?
- As Truvada? Yes.
- Descovy? What's that?
It's PrEP.
Oh, it's not cancer. Thank God.
It is for our relationship.
If he's taking it now,
it can only mean one thing.
He's about to cheat on us, Hope.
And to kick things off,
let me leave you
with a little blind item.
Nothing is ever as good as it seems.
And just because you think you know
the person standing next to you,
doesn't mean there's not someone else
on the other side of them
that you can't see.
So how much does a place
like this go for, anyways?
That's not a very polite
question to ask, Miss Barnes.
Just curious. It's cool
how you were able to buy it
all of a sudden like that.
Shan.
It wasn't all of a sudden.
The deal's still going through.
I looked. This place listed
for two and a half mil.
But you snapped it up
before you got recruited
- by Darth Pharma.
- Shan!
Can we change the subject please?
I don't think my finances
make good dinner conversation
with teenagers.
My bad. Subject changed.
No fucking way. Sweet Home Ali-basic
in illicit lip lock? Are you sure?
I know what I saw, Audge.
Okay, okay.
So here's what you're gonna do.
Next time you see Obie,
you're gonna walk right up to him,
and you're gonna act like
everything is completely normal.
Not a word of what you saw.
I can't let Grace do this
to him. He doesn't deserve it.
I'll have to lightly, strongly
disagree with that statement.
He cares about her, Audrey. And
If I'm his friend, I have to tell him.
Okay. But you're not
his friend. You're his ex.
So if you do anything
with this information
except keep it to yourself,
then you'll seem vengeful
- and selfish.
- And honest?
He'll never believe you.
Not after what you tried
to pull in Hudson. Look.
You need to approach
this situation with finesse
or you could lose him forever.
And how do I do that?
By subtly and skillfully convincing
Grace to come clean on her own?
Done.
And what about Ak?
I'm gonna try and take my own advice.
You know, Max and I
only have assumptions right now,
so if we try
to accuse him without facts,
then it might blow up
in our faces. And
that would be very bad.
So I need some facts.
And I'll get them by asking him honestly
and with finesse.
- Good luck.
- You, too.
Please don't tell me
you're gonna spend today
watching Love Actually?
It's a time-worn Valentine's tradition.
You do realize how problematic
this movie is, don't you?
It's romantic.
It's reductive, exploitative.
It's it's
And how will I enjoy it
without our annual
"crass or classic" commentary?
Whoa!
We friends again?
Almost. I figure
we're basically even now.
Besides, I, um
I know you're only working there
to keep us here.
Yes. Exactly.
Since we're almost friends
Lay it on me.
So, Shan has been acting
super weird lately.
I mean, you saw her
at dinner last night.
And I don't know why,
but it's kinda making me feel
like I don't want to spend
that much time with her anymore.
Here's a thought. Just ask.
Be honest about how it makes you feel.
Maybe if you and I had done
a little bit more of that,
we wouldn't have gotten
to where we were.
Why don't you invite her
to the spa thing with the girls?
Talk. Relax. Reconnect.
Get to the bottom it.
- That's what friends do.
- Hmm.
Thank you.
There you are.
Hey! You made it.
I didn't think you were gonna come.
Why not? I have a hangnail
that needs tending to.
Well, um I know things
have been really weird
between us. I just wanted
to make sure we're okay.
We are, right? You would tell me?
Actually, there is something
I need to tell you.
- It's about
- Hey, girls!
Your friend Terrell. At the deb ball,
he asked me about you.
And I knew you liked him,
but I was sort of aggro that night,
so I kinda blew him off.
And I've felt terrible
about it ever since.
Hey, it's fine. He's just a guy.
A guy you should be
spending Valentine's with!
No. He It's just a distraction
from all the shit in my life.
It's not real.
Let's make it real. We need
to get him at the party tonight.
How? Monet has his contact on lockdown.
Which is why our mission is to get it
by any means necessary.
She's here, we're here,
and so is her phone.
By the end of this spa-ga,
I'm gonna have glowing skin,
and you're gonna have a hot date.
Welcome to today's "Stop the Story."
I'm here at the spa
with my girls, the perfect place
for a filterless convo.
Set your alarms for a Q&A
with my nearest and dearest
about the BS
behind this high-presh holiday.
Hey!
You better have brought them here
for me to ritually sacrifice,
because this is supposed to be relaxing.
I mean, who's even paying
for them? Make-a-Wish?
There are treatments to be had
and livestreams to overshare.
Just let them fade into the steam.
Mm-hmm. And what about Queen Kong?
I could see her anywhere.
- Gracie, you made it!
- I love it here.
I came during their soft open
with Audrey Pence.
I could def use some girl time.
I bet you could.
Yes!
Ak, uh, could you grab me a La Croix?
You know where they are.
I need relationship advice
from both you guys.
Try spelling
"Mississippi" with your tongue.
No.
Not like that. Like, real stuff.
Ask me.
Not only is my relationship
the longest, it's also grown.
Don't think polyamory applies here, Ak.
Uh, I I, uh,
I can't reach the pamplemousse.
Aki, can you,
uh, can you grab it, please?
You got thinner arms and it's just
- It's jammed at the back there.
- Seriously?
It's just It's like, how do I know
if I'm being too pushy with Grace?
Thanks, pal.
You know, what if
I was being led by Julien
What did you want?
but now I'm leading too much
with Grace?
What, Obie? I can't. Can you
Can you come over here?
I can't hear you.
See, I just don't want this to, like
Oh, I just heard my phone.
Wait. Huh?
I don't I just
I don't want this thing
to be Goldilocks, you know?
Like, where I was
I'm I'm too small with Julien
and now I'm too big with Grace.
I don't want that. I want
this relationship to work now.
I don't want some
future relationship to work.
You know? And how do you know
if you're doing too much
or if you're doing enough?
Anyone?
Mone, this is gonna be the hottest
Kiss on the Lips party
of all time. No cap.
We got American Bar to cater.
Mom's doing the champagne tower.
Luna, what would you do?
Recast?
As promised, I'm here taking
your questions about love,
loneliness, and the moments
in between. Questions are open.
Ooh, hot topic, "Monogamy vs. polyamory?
Preference and why?"
I think my position is very clear.
Why don't we ask Grace?
Um, well, I was raised in
a pretty traditional household.
So, while I believe love is love,
I've always been a one-man type of gal.
Okay. You heard it here first.
Grace Byron, resident monogamist.
Why do I have to do it?
Why can't you just
Riveting.
Oh, six feet, please.
I don't trust the ventilation.
Since you didn't want to introduce us,
I was wondering if you could give me
Terrell's phone number?
He's not on IG or Snapchat.
Hmm, probably because he blocked you?
What went down at the deb ball
was all my idea, not Z's.
So if you want someone to hate
Right. Here's the thing.
Why give you his phone number
when he's just going to say no?
Haven't you heard I'm benevolent now?
I'm sparing you pain.
If she won't give it up,
we'll just have to take it.
Ooh. This comment's interesting.
"Have you ever been interested
in someone who was unavailable?"
Hmm. Trick question. Is anyone
ever emotionally available?
Do dead men count?
What? No way I'm alone here.
You're alone. Get used to it.
No, I'm I'm with her.
I've had a crush on River Phoenix
ever since Aki made me watch
My Own Private Idaho. So
Grace? You're quiet. What about you?
Have you ever been
into someone who's unavailable?
Or have you met someone
when you're unavailable?
Why don't you share with the group?
Okay, I'll share.
I recently met this
very attractive, married man.
Nothing happened. We just talked.
But I'd be lying if I said
I wasn't interested in getting
to know him better.
Even though I know
how wrong that would be.
You need to stop that story.
Affairs don't only affect you,
they destroy families.
I thought after what your mom did,
you of all people would know that.
Monet
No. What you're doing is wrong,
and selfish, and entitled.
I I haven't done anything.
That's what everyone says.
Oh, my God. Mone, are you okay?
I I think my dad is having an affair.
Anyone cheat on your mom? No way.
I thought that they
were the perfect ship.
But it turns out, they're a mess
like all of yours.
That blind GG item
is about my dad. I know it.
How?
He has been sneaking around,
and my mom is acting weird,
so I followed him twice.
To a hotel both times.
Oh, honey.
You say a word of this to anyone,
I'll have you all exiled
to Exeter. All of you.
I need some vitamin D.
I need to change my massage.
I want a smoothie.
I want fresh ginger tea.
And when I say fresh ginger,
I mean make it yourself.
What now?
Oh, nothing. Just watching
our boyfriend entering
the building of Rex Huntington,
carrying a bag
- of newly purchased sex toys!
- Give me that back!
Julien was right.
What, about the glass dildo
and the butt plugs?
Did Rex Huntington RSVP for tonight?
Of course.
Julien said to talk to Aki outright,
which is exactly what we're
gonna do tonight at the party.
Hi. I booked the relaxing massage,
but after the day I'm having,
I'm gonna need the muscle
The day you're having?
Pretty sure I was the one
being waterboarded in the wellness pool.
- Grace?
- Give us a moment?
Mm-hmm.
I don't care how you found out
and I don't care
I know you definitely
don't care about Obie.
I saw you hooking up with that rando!
Matías isn't random. He's my ex.
My mother doesn't approve.
I tried to end it, but
It's complicated.
It seems pretty simple to me.
You're cheating on one
of my best friends.
And either you're gonna tell him
- or I'm
- Or what? You'll tell him?
You think he'll believe you
after everything you put him through?
Making a false accusation like that
could cost the little friendship
you have left.
You think I'm just gonna sit by
and let you hurt him?
If you tell him, you'll be
breaking his heart again.
How many times
are you gonna do that, Julien?
Besides, it's your word against mine,
and your word means nothing anymore.
Shan!
Shan! Shan, no, don't!
Dating before Valentine's Day
is just a game of musical chairs.
Seats swap, partners change,
and options are eliminated.
What are you doing here?
I found a great date for us!
The Kiss on the Lips party?
Isn't that for kids?
Yup. What worse date is there?
Besides, your bestie
Camille's gonna be there
since it's her daughter's party.
Imagine her face, seeing us dancing.
You do dance, don't you?
Very, very badly
and with no shame about it.
Could you excuse me a moment?
Only if it's to change
into something very un-festive.
Okay, Mike, I'm in!
Fuck yes!
But word is this year,
there are a few unexpected players.
So where will you
be when the music stops?
Seated comfortably?
Or standing alone
while everyone watches you
land straight on your ass?
There's, like,
no fucking service out here.
The party's starting. How long
are we supposed to wait?
Are you sure this is Pete's place?
There's no way Kim would come out here.
Jesus, Bianca. Yeah, it's Staten Island.
Fuck, it's cold!
Doesn't anyone dance
In this town no more? ♪
Why am I the only one
On the dance floor? ♪
DJ's killin' it Drinks is poured ♪
I don't like None of
y'all hoes I'm bored ♪
I'm tryna get loose with it ♪
Shake a little somethin'
Get the whole crew with it ♪
Shots to the head
Got the whole room spinnin' ♪
It's perfect.
Wait until our special guest arrives.
It's what I do.
You? Where are the girls?
They were no-shows.
Someone had to step in.
If you ask me,
I think they always planned
to try and destroy you.
You owe me forever, bitch.
Name it.
I'll cash in when the time is right.
Mm-hmm.
When I said open the party to everyone,
I didn't mean everyone.
It's a long story,
but it's why I insisted
on low lighting. 'Kay? Come on.
Take a pic, it'll last long ♪
Gotta go
'Cause they playing my song ♪
You brought a chaperone?
Nice to see you too, Miss Barnes.
I told Zoya she could go
so long as I saw
with my own eyes what it was.
- Which I thought was fair. So
- Mm-hmm.
You can go now!
Sure. Yeah, in a little bit.
So, have you seen Terrell anywhere?
Not yet, but I'm on the lookout.
This is literally the best party
I've ever been invited to.
It's the only party
you've ever been invited to.
JK! You're welcome.
Being liked is awful.
At least your apple
doesn't fall far from that tree.
I know, right? She's amazing.
He doesn't deserve her.
This is a great party, hon.
So, our first Valentine's
as an us. Exciting, huh?
- Yeah.
- Mm-hmm.
Are we looking for something?
Uh, yeah. The, uh, the caviar concierge.
He was here a second ago.
You know what I could
really use right now, babe?
Valentine's Vespers?
You know us so well.
I can't believe he'd do this to us.
You were literally
gonna fuck Rex two weeks ago!
- Yeah, only 'cause you made me!
- Okay.
Hey.
Oh, my God! They're not even hiding it!
Oh, I almost forgot.
Breakfast, flowers,
a Cameo from Chris Pratt.
- You've done enough.
- No, this is, uh
this is your real your real gift.
I thought maybe you could sew it
into your new uniform.
Okay, hear me out. I I
I was thinking maybe you could
enroll at at Constance.
Hmm. This is
a little late in the year, isn't it?
Normally, yes. But, uh,
Leni Klum got that
that role on that Amazon series
in Budapest, and, you know,
since she's gonna be schooling remotely
for the rest of the year, and it
left this opening,
which I secured for you.
Without talking to me?
- You hate it.
- No! No, I love it. It's just
I don't know if I can deal with
Julien?
Julien's the reason that you
don't wanna enroll at Constance?
I wasn't gonna say anything,
but I think she's still trying
to come between us.
Obie! Grace! I'd like you
to meet Matías Botello.
- Pleasure to meet you.
- You, too.
Nice to meet You know, you look
You look kind of familiar.
Have we met before?
Wait, where would any of us have met?
I don't know. I'm just,
I'm really good with faces.
He is. Really good.
Are you that guy
that spat on Senator Byron?
- You did what?
- Yeah, what the fuck, man?
- Julien, this guy is
- Is against capitalism,
corporate greed,
and immigration policies
that make Donald Trump
look like the Dalai Lama?
Can't disagree with that,
can you. Grace?
Seems she has a type.
Obie, I'm thirsty. Let's get a drink?
You know, this is way lower
than I ever expected from you.
Just stay out of my life, Julien.
I'm on my way ♪
Everybody starin', I don't care ♪
And I'm feeling great ♪
Get out my way ♪
Don't make me Get off my scooter ♪
Na na na na na ♪
Telling you she doesn't like him,
telling him she doesn't know you.
She told me Obie was temporary.
I'm sorry, Matías
For you and Obie.
Two for me.
Okay, maybe slow down
a little bit? My dad's here.
Why do you think I need this?
Not this again.
I've tried really hard not to
Not to
'Kay, we're moving past
what he did. Why can't you?
It's just a job.
Sometimes people do things
- that aren't necessarily
- It's not about his job, Jesus!
- Here.
- Okay.
So it's apparently somehow about you.
God, I'm so sick and tired
of you constantly
inserting your chaos into my life, Shan!
My chaos?
Yes, you know exactly
what I'm talking about!
My family isn't some playground
for your attention-seeking
games. Back off!
Whoa, Z. I'm just trying
to help you see that your dad
Your help isn't wanted.
Not about this. Ever!
What a liar you are, Katherine Keller.
We agreed to make this an
unsexy Valentine's, and look at you.
At least you have to admit, I win.
I mean, being surrounded
by our pubescent overlords
is as unsexy as a date can get.
Not so fast.
I scheduled us dual colonoscopies
- for St. Patrick's Day.
- Oh? Oh.
Can you excuse me for a moment?
Yeah.
Go, go, get back on the road ♪
I won't hear another word ♪
Monet. So, I showed. Who is she?
Excuse me?
My secret admirer. I got your text.
Um
You you told me to meet you
and that someone is into me here.
What the actual fuck?
So there's no secret admirer?
I think I can help answer that.
And let's welcome
to DUMBO Hall, Charli XCX!
- Shouldn't I just go?
- Not yet.
You want her to react?
Follow my lead.
Don't know what to say ♪
One look and then You blew me away ♪
I'm spiraling All over the place ♪
So lifted Got me reaching for grace ♪
Body off the ground ♪
Caught me by surprise ♪
Like seeing shooting stars
In the sky ♪
There's danger in the dark
Of your eyes ♪
But something 'bout you
Brings me to life ♪
Got me here and now ♪
Heartbreak Already hit me once ♪
They say That it won't happen twice ♪
You struck me down
Like lightning, lightning ♪
You struck me down
Like lightning, lightning ♪
My stupid heart
Can't fight it, fight it ♪
Uh-huh ♪
So tell me what you want
And I'ma give it to ya ♪
Like lightning ♪
Look who's here! My twink prince!
Yeah, of course Rex is here.
He goes to our school.
I'm more interested
in what he does after.
Squash at the Harvard Club?
Oh, yeah.
Squash was definitely involved.
What are you guys talking about?
- We know about you two.
- We saw everything.
Everything? Gross!
Wh what exactly do you think you saw?
We saw you go to the doctor.
Mm-hmm. And pick up the dick scurvy.
- Descovy.
- Mm-hmm.
- Jesus!
- Then to The Pleasure Chest
to buy a chest full of pleasure
- for your secret rendezvous!
- You followed me?
It's not my fault he texted you
when I had your phone.
I had no choice but to look,
and once I did,
- I had to see more.
- Just be honest with us.
We can get through anything
if we're honest with each other.
Oh, from the two people
who secretly tailed me,
violated my privacy,
and tried to break into my phone?
Is that the kind of honesty you mean?
Yeah, that's what I fucking thought.
What are you laughing at?
How much you just fucked this all up.
Those toys weren't for me.
They were for him.
For you.
You took me down Don't mind it ♪
My stupid heart Can't fight it ♪
Uh-uh ♪
So tell me what you want
And I'ma give it to ya
Like lightning ♪
Excuse me.
What the hell are you doing here?
I was invited.
I thought this was part of the deal.
It is not. If anyone sees you,
it could be the end of the deal.
Dad! Have you no sense
of decency or discretion?
- What are you talking about?
- I know who she is.
- You do?
- You do?
Yes. I invited you here.
Monet Makeda de Haan.
This is not the time or the place.
I can't think of a better time
or place to expose
that Dad's having an affair.
Jennifer here is his mistress.
No, she's not.
- Yes, she is.
- No, she's not.
- Mom, yes, she is. I
- No, she is not.
She's both of ours.
Zoya, wait!
So this is what you wanted?
It was never about my dad.
You just wanted to get with the only guy
that I've been into since Obie.
That's not it at all. I've just
I've just been
a little messed up lately, and
And you wanted me to feel
as miserable as you do?
Well, maybe I'm miserable
because I'm keeping
a fucking secret I shouldn't be!
A secret about what?
You know what? Forget it.
Go talk to your fucking dad.
Talk to him about what, Shan?
Or is this just another
deflection in a long line of
Your dad didn't buy your apartment!
Dirty Davis Calloway did.
And your dad has been lying
to you and Julien about it
ever since it happened.
I'm s
You're as cold as ice ♪
Grace. We need to talk.
Uh, you need to back up, bro.
Nobody needs to talk to anybody.
Oh, good, they're here.
You did this? My brother and my mom?
I knew Matías wouldn't be enough.
Enough for what?
- Is it true?
- What?
Did Davis Calloway buy our apartment?
Z, it's complicated. Let me explain.
What goes on between your father and me
remains between your father and me.
And whoever else
you share it with, apparently.
We don't share her.
So what do you do? You just sit there
- and watch them go at it to
- Uh!
Your privilege
has afforded you the ability
to live your life as a proud,
out, young Black woman
in a country where none
of those things come easily.
But they come easily for you
because of me.
So you have no right to question
how your father and I live our lives,
just like we have never
questioned how you live yours.
My only regret
is that you chose a public place
to make a mess.
But that is what you are growing into.
A mess.
Why on earth was I summoned here?
We took the plane and everything
to come to a party?
Mom, I
And what are you doing here?
This is your daughter's
secret boyfriend.
- No, he's not.
- I think you're confused.
Yeah, ex exactly.
Grace would never
- I told you to end it with him.
- I did! Tell her.
This is all a misunderstanding.
After a deep dive of Grace's socials
with other grammers' geotags, last week,
when she was allegedly
on the campaign trail with you,
she was also somehow at Tacombi.
Ew, by the way.
And stayed at The Crosby.
Last week?
You said you were with your mom.
- You told me you were with Obie.
- She wasn't.
Luna is wrong.
She has the wrong dates,
the wrong information.
George, the GM of The Crosby,
begs to disagree.
- Shall I call him?
- This is getting out of hand.
- Are you seeing a third person?
- No.
Jake, when you came to town last week
for your interview with Columbia,
you stayed at The Crosby,
didn't you? I paid for it.
And you promised
this wouldn't happen again.
Can we please not talk about this here?
- Oh, my God!
- Your brother?
We didn't mean to.
- Wait, Grace.
- Grace, wait.
- Let's go.
- What?
Even I didn't see that twincest coming.
- I hope you're happy.
- You think I wanted this?
We thought you left.
Oh, well, you thought wrong again.
Okay. Uh, in hindsight,
we may not have gone about this
in the best way.
You think?
Okay, you have to admit
you've been withholding.
I mean
No, I know you've been
wanting me to bottom,
and I want to. I've just been scared.
It's new to me, and I feel vulnerable.
And I got nervous, and I got
embarrassed for getting so nervous.
So I went to Rex for advice
and guidance,
and he told me to practice.
And now, I'm so wildly
uncomfortable telling you this.
And the PrEP?
You're Max Wolfe.
We haven't had that conversation yet.
He's right. We haven't.
You know the only people
I wanna be with is both of you.
You never said that as a rule.
Consider it said and done.
Yeah, and look, as for the other thing?
We're happy to wait.
I mean, there's no rush.
I don't wanna wait. I'm ready.
- Camille de Haan's a cuck queen!
- Don't kinkshame!
I'm not! It's fucking hot.
I feel strangely bad for Monet.
Well, yeah, 'cause her mom
called her out in public?
It's gonna be on Gossip Girl in minutes.
At least our shame's only
on repeat in our heads.
Th theirs is
one click away, forever.
Hmm. You know,
I also feel somehow responsible.
Her parents are responsible
for Monet, not you.
I always thought the problem
was the kids' entitlement,
but that comes from somewhere else.
Mm-hmm. The parents
are the true monsters.
The kids are simply modeling
their behavior.
But I don't know
why it's taken me so long
to really see that.
Oh, you just needed
a good teacher to point it out.
I'll, uh, go get the coats?
See the clouds we'll be walkin' on ♪
Coach won't put him
in the game, no, no ♪
Rudy baby, I don't feel the same ♪
- Zoya, please! I can explain. Z.
- Explain what? What's going on?
Is this about the Grace thing?
You wanna tell her, or should I?
I told you I was
going to break some hearts tonight.
But what I have to share
isn't exactly a lovers' quarrel.
They say nothing is stronger
than the bond between a father
and a daughter. But we have it
confirmed that Nicholas Lott
has committed the ultimate betrayal.
He made a deal with a devil
known as Davis Calloway.
Nothing worse than taking blood money
to keep up with the Joneses.
Tell me this isn't true.
Heavy is the crown?
No wonder Julien shaved her head.
I could've made my parents
a New York Post story.
It it could've ruined their careers.
And for what? I mean
They're just having fun.
Don't ask me. I haven't even
seen my parents since last summer.
What if I don't want to be loved?
Love only exposes you to trouble.
Isn't it better to hate and be hated?
No. Not at all.
Fuck.
I want to be loved.
Me, too. Me fucking too.
There's no such thing as a love story.
Because for it to be a story,
it would have to
have a beginning, a middle,
and an end.
Shall we all talk paternal? ♪
Shall we all talk Of the sun? ♪
Everything runs in circles ♪
Everything comes undone ♪
- You ready?
- Yes.
And love doesn't end.
It changes.
It grows.
It dims, and it dies.
But even then, it's never over.
It lives in your shadows,
waiting to wake you
in the middle of the night
Zoya? Julien?
to tap you on your shoulder
when you least expect it.
A splinter you can never get out.
Oh, baby. I'm so sorry.
I'm sorry, too.
She's doing her own thing ♪
Doesn't it seem Quite obvious ♪
I'm so glad you called.
Um, I'm so glad you answered.
I had an absolutely horrible night,
and the only person that
I wanted to talk to about it
was someone that I don't know at all.
Is that okay?
I need someone who doesn't know
about all of the shit
that I've been dealing with.
Somebody brand new.
Could you be that person?
I'm Graham.
Julien.
Each love is a crime that haunts us
and we pile up crimes as we go.
Illuminating all things The same ♪
So much for our non-romantic,
completely unsexy Valentine's Day.
I'll get you some water.
Okay.
And while we tell ourselves
we'll never get caught,
we know we always will.
It's only a matter of time
till we commit our next crime.
And this one, we swear
will be our last.
Spoiler alert, it's never the last.
What the fu