Grimsburg (2024) s02e04 Episode Script

1
♪
I feel like I have boogers.
Do I have time to snot rocket?
Oh, we're on?!
Hi. I'm here reporting live
on the eve of the Virgin Games,
where 50 virgins will compete
and the biggest loser
will be our winner.
But how did we get here?
In 1863, virgin Elsinore Crupp
was to be sacrificed
by our forefathers in the hopes
of putting an end to
a particularly windy weekend.
However,
her beheading was botched,
and for three days straight,
she cursed our town,
Which is why today
our murder rate is so high
and our internet so laggy.
Since then, Elsinore's
refusal to obey her elders
has made her a cult icon to
anyone
who has ever met a boomer,
giving Grimsburg
the largest virgin population
outside of Mickey's Toontown.
And here's one of her fans
now already lined up
to get in first.
Sir, how are you honoring
virgins today?
Will you be watching Zack Snyder's
director's cut of "Justice League"?
Sir?
[Boom]
I guess we'll never know.
Back to you people in the studio,
whose jobs I deeply covet.
You know, I just
I'm just gonna snot rocket.
[Theme music playing]
♪
[Crack]
♪
KANG: You OK, Flute?
You seem to be binge drinking
more than usual.
FLUTE: Not a lot of
great options tonight.
Even the beer goggles
aren't working.
Time for some liquor Lasik.
Ooh! Check her out.
Incorrectly buttoned cardigan,
half cried-off mascara,
credit card stuck to
the back of her thigh.
Looks like I just found
the love of my night.
KANG: Maybe it's time to ditch
the one-night stands,
try connecting with someone
on a deeper level.
FLUTE: That's rich, coming from
someone who lives alone,
doesn't date, and refuses
to hang out with me
on the weekends even
though any idiot could see
we'd have a lovely time
on a tandem bike.
KANG: My solitary lifestyle is a choice.
As an immortal, I've made
more than enough connections
over the centuries. I'm all
out of small talk and orgasms.
- FLUTE: That can happen?
- KANG: It can
if you live long enough
and look this good.
[Bar music playing]
FLUTE: I'll just close out our tabs.
WOMAN: Hey, bartender,
I need two shots.
I get a shot of whiskey and
you get a shot to take me home.
All you need to do is say
the magic word.
FLUTE: Elevator, lemonade, spa,
gargantuan, bicycle, fortress,
oolong, radio, radical,
radiation therapy.
Wait. No, that's two words.
Was it one of those words?
- Because I could split them up.
- WOMAN: It was please.
FLUTE: Never would've guessed that.
WOMAN: Even better.
Let's go.
[Crash]
♪
FLUTE: Uh!
♪
[2 gunshots]
I gotta figure out
how safeties work.
[Woman chuckles]
FLUTE: Ahh.
[Birds chirping, Flute groans]
♪
[Soft thud]
WOMAN:
Wait. Why are you sneaking out?
- This is your place.
- FLUTE: Oh, right. I guess it's just habit.
WOMAN: Please. I sleep
in so many strangers' beds,
my memory foam mattress
doesn't remember me anymore.
FLUTE: Well, for a pro,
you're not great at it.
You almost forgot your purse.
First rule of smash and dash
can't come back once you leave.
WOMAN: True, but you
broke the biggest rule
of a one and done
you're talking to me.
FLUTE: Gross game recognizes
gross game.
I know this
goes against the rules,
- but you want to grab breakfast?
- The walk of shame is
where I get most of my steps in,
but sure.
[Vehicle approaching]
FLUTE: Kang, I did it.
I took your advice, and I
made a connection.
Did you know you can talk
to a woman after sex
- and not just apologies?
- KANG: Good for you.
- What's her name?
- FLUTE: I don't know. I'm not a perv.
WYNONA: Bad news. Nobody's dead.
The bomb was attached to a mannequin.
Total corpse tease.
But he did leave a note.
FLUTE: "Virginity is a disease.
"Cancel the games or there will be
an actual virgin sacrifice
when I bomb the finals."
MARTINEZ: Which is why we
need someone on the inside
a virgin who can pose as a
contestant and make it to the finals.
Otis the kid detective, you're up.
OTIS: Sorry, Chief, but I
banged my neighbor last night.
Still got the bandage
on my knee to prove it.
SUMMERS: I could do it.
Technically, 74.2%
of my new body is a virgin,
and so was the other 25.8%.
WYNONA: Please. Summers
can't make it to the finals,
and I should know.
I used to be a Virgin
[Summers gasps]
Games winner.
[Summers gasps loudly]
SUMMERS: Don't say anything else.
I have no more room for gasps!
MARTINEZ: Then it sounds like
you're the perfect candidate
to coach him, Wynona.
SUMMERS: And I thought being
a grown man who's never had sex
couldn't get any better.
BOMB SQUAD OFFICER:
Sorry, folks. We just got reports
of another bomb about to go off.
Seems this morning someone here
ate three
chorizo breakfast burritos.
FLUTE: Sex woman? You never
told me you were bomb squad.
BOMB SQUAD OFFICER:
And you never told me you were
a detective,
sweat-a-lot-during-sex man.
SUPERVISOR:
Hey, come take a look at this.
FLUTE: Kang, she's the one
I connected with last night
and then again this morning in
the handicapped stall at the diner.
Maybe I should ask for her name.
- KANG: It's Charlotte.
- FLUTE: You perv.
- Wait. How do you know that?
- KANG: Because that is my great-
great-great-great-great-great-
great-great-great-great-great-
great-granddaughter
- you're talking about!
- FLUTE: Well, you should be proud
because she is great, great,
great, great, great, great,
great, great, great, great,
great, great, great at sex
respectfully.
♪
Why haven't we heard
about her before?
KANG: Well, because
she doesn't know I exist.
Outside of you guys,
I don't tell anyone
about my immortality,
especially family.
SUMMERS: But family is the
most important thing there is,
according to every piece of
wall art they sell at Target.
KANG: It's way too painful
outliving your family.
I can't lose another
grandson to dementia,
so I stay away from them all,
which is why I'd like you
to stop seeing her, Flute.
FLUTE: Good one.
To be honest, I don't get it,
but I can tell it's a joke,
and that's why I said "Good one"
- instead of laughing.
- KANG: I'm serious, Flute.
- You can't see her.
- FLUTE: You can't forbid me.
- KANG: I can, and I just did!
- MARTINEZ: Children, please.
Don't make me take off a chancla.
I need you three to figure out
- where this bomb came from.
- FLUTE: Three?
CHARLOTTE: Hey, guys.
NARRATOR: Will Kang ever allow
himself to get close to Charlotte?
Will Charlotte's
lack of a father figure
keep her from
true intimacy with Flute?
Will Flute ever learn how
safeties work? [Gunshot]
And will Murphy's coworkers
ever discover
that his big secret is
he's actually using the copier
for personal business?
All that and less when we return.
FLUTE: But why can I date Charlotte?
She's perfect for me.
She's pretty.
KANG: That's it?
Sounded like there was more.
FLUTE: Fine. She's also funny
and drinks to excess.
I could really see myself
settling down
to a long consecutive series
of one-night stands with her.
- KANG: Don't cross me, Flute.
- I'll do what I want.
KANG: You may be a stubborn
little boy, but I'm
a vengeful little bitch.
I will win.
- Good morning.
- FLUTE: Hi.
CHARLOTTE:
So, what are we doing first?
KANG: I brought in a witness
we should talk to.
Uh, Flute,
take the lead on this one.
FLUTE: Harmony,
what are you doing here?
HARMONY: Kang said you
wanted to interview me about
- the explosion.
- KANG: Oh, that's right.
I forgot you two were married
but then ultimately divorced,
because what was it again?
[Chuckles]
How long do you have?
There was the lies,
the drinking, the dandruff.
He stole my car and my youth.
He blew through our savings
because
[Imitates Flute] "Tom Brady is smart.
We can't lose with crypto."
Oh, every year
on Stan's birthday, he insists
on having a paternity test.
[Imitates "SpongeBob" announcer]
FLUTE: Ten minutes later.
HARMONY: And he's constantly doing his
terrible "SpongeBob" transition voice.
FLUTE: [as "SpongeBob" announcer]
Is not so bad.
STAN: Hi, Dad. The test said
I can still call you that.
- CHARLOTTE: You have a son?
- I was trying to tell you that last night
when you were calling me "Daddy."
STAN: I thought you should
know that some appropriately
tattooed men are repossessing
your car right now.
FLUTE: But I'm only 11 payments
behind!
MR. FLESH: Nice work, Stantrum.
Now, come on. Let's go
lunge at an officer's belt.
STAN: You sure that's
a good idea, Mr. Flesh?
OK, if you say so!
KANG: And they didn't
even drop him as a baby.
Came straight from Flute's
sperm like that. Crazy, right?
[Cheering]
[Ding]
[Ding]
[Buzz]
DISQUALIFIED CONTESTANT:
Wait. It was outercourse, I swear.
WYNONA: The bomber says
he'll strike next at the finals,
so we need to make sure
you make it that far.
But the competition is fierce
dog uncles, Reddit moderators,
Disney adults,
even a homeschooled
brother and sister pair.
But he's the one to beat
super virgin Forest Kinsley.
Word is, he's so pure,
he won't even hug his mom.
[Ding]
SUMMERS: I'm pretty good at
virginity, too.
WYNONA: This competition is
designed to make pretty good
virgins slip up until only
the strongest one remains.
SUMMERS: If I've waited this
long, what's a few more days?
WYNONA:
Why have you waited so long?
Ladies must throw themselves
at you all the time
with your sweet eyes,
that bright LED smile,
those big, wide,
half-manly shoulders.
[Soft music on soundtrack]
[Clank] That's exactly the kind
of slip-up I'm talking about.
I go for bad boys.
You should have known I wouldn't
make a move like that on you.
SUMMERS: Right. I'm the
complete opposite of a bad boy.
Well, not a good girl,
but a good boy.
So a half opposite.
WYNONA: Hey, I didn't say I'd
never make a move like that.
[Soft music on soundtrack]
[Clank]
Come on!
It shouldn't be this easy.
SUMMERS: Who is this easy for?
'Cause it's not me.
♪
KANG: You're quite good
with explosives.
CHARLOTTE: Thanks. My lack of
a father figure gave me
a bit of a death wish, which helps.
Why?
You want to be my granddaddy?
- You well, I no uhh
- CHARLOTTE: I'm joking!
I weirdly feel very comfortable
around you
- despite the pedo glasses.
- That's actually why I got them,
so nobody asks me to babysit.
[Laughter]
FLUTE: [Chuckles]
I handled that well.
Definitely didn't get
Jeremy Renner-ed trying
to stop them from towing it.
CHARLOTTE: Hey, um, I think
we need to talk alone.
[Kang chuckles softly]
FLUTE: Look, it's fine.
I'm not what you were looking
Wait. You still like me,
even after they told you
- my life's a mess?
- CHARLOTTE: My whole job is
running into disasters
and coming out unscathed.
I think I can handle you.
Come on. There's not much time.
FLUTE: But someone might hear us.
CHARLOTTE: I'll just put
your head in the microwave.
OTIS: Excuse me. Mind if I
sit on a phone book and watch?
The case of the haunted
backpack can wait.
[Flute and Charlotte chuckling,
door opens]
FLUTE: Mm!
She's coming over tonight.
Seems your plan to get
in her head didn't work.
KANG: Then maybe I'll get into yours.
FLUTE: Good luck. But
if you do get in my head,
let me know if you find
my missing AirPod.
BACKPACK: Homework!
FLUTE: If you're looking for Otis,
he's gonna need a minute.
WYNONA: Competition starts now.
[Cheering]
We can't wait for those
virginities to lose themselves,
so we may need to help them get lost.
SUMMERS: Isn't that cheating?
[Wynona scoffs]
WYNONA: Can you ever do
something wrong?
SUMMERS: I cheated on my taxes once.
Tried to pay more than I owed.
Teachers and roads need
all the help they can get.
[Wynona groans]
SUMMERS: Don't worry.
I'll do something wrong.
WYNONA: I'm sure you will.
HARMONY: First up,
the swimsuit competition.
[Cheering, rock music playing]
SINGER: Virgin Games ♪
CONTESTANT: It's a
small world after all.
It's a small world after all
SUMMERS: Hakuna matata. Look
at the Pumbaa on that guy.
MAN: [Silly voice]
Sorry about that. Hyuk!
[Contestant yells]
SINGER: Who will win,
and who will lose? ♪
♪
[Music stops]
[Rock music playing]
SINGER: Virgin Games ♪
[Cheering and applause]
♪
SUMMERS: Sure are a lot
of sexy, mouthwatering,
pants-tightening foods here.
SINGER: Who will win,
and who will lose ♪
♪
At the Virgin Games? ♪
[Doorbell rings]
- FLUTE: Why are you wearing that?
- Oh, Kang said I looked cold,
- so he gave me one of his extras.
- FLUTE: Ugh.
Let's get you out of
that, like, now. Eee!
CHARLOTTE: Here. Let me try.
What? Oh. These?
I found them in the pocket.
It's so weird. Kang and I have
the same prescription.
Oh. It's stuck.
Hopefully, yours isn't.
Uh! Ah. Ooh.
- [Deep voice] I like this belt.
- FLUTE: Uh, come again?
CHARLOTTE: [Voice of Kang]
Don't mind if I do.
FLUTE: Aah!
CHARLOTTE:
You want to try some role play?
You be the boss and I'll be
the corporate ladder
you're trying to climb.
- FLUTE: Get away from me!
- CHARLOTTE: What's got into you?
FLUTE: You did,
you little vengeful bitch.
CHARLOTTE: Yeah. There it is.
♪
[Flute laughing hysterically]
[Engine starts, tires screech]
CHARLOTTE: Is stealing my car
part of the role play?
Because it is weirdly working.
HARMONY: 30 of the remaining
virgins are out tonight
after mysteriously
getting locked in a wine cellar.
with The Weeknd on repeat,
including crowd favorites
Miley and Riley.
How do you feel now
that your journey has ended?
RILEY: I wish my sister and I
had entered last year. [Chuckles]
[Wynona and Summers chuckle]
WYNONA: I can't believe you
locked them in there.
I've never seen this side of you.
SUMMERS: Then it might be time
to get your eyes checked, bitch.
WYNONA: [Laughs]
SUMMERS: Nice try.
I'm not falling for that again.
I know what you're doing.
WYNONA: Yep. You nailed me.
It. Nailed it. Are you hot?
I mean, are you getting hotter?
Uh, um, I I got I gotta go.
Psst! Wynona, it's me.
WYNONA: Martinez? Are you
coming from a children's play?
MARTINEZ: I'm checking in.
How's it going?
WYNONA: Not good.
I think I'm falling
for the monster I created.
MARTINEZ: Oh, stop it. You only
want him because you can't have him.
Same thing happens to me when I
see something on the top shelf.
WYNONA: You're right.
I just need to squash
these feelings and help him win.
[Door opens]
[1970s-style R & B music
plays on soundtrack]
MARTINEZ: Dang, he did get hot.
Good luck.
[Tires screech]
- FLUTE: Kang, You bastard.
- KANG: Huh.
I guess you never fixed that zipper.
FLUTE: You didn't even care
about her until I did.
KANG: I still don't care about her,
and neither do you, young man.
FLUTE: You don't know me,
oldest man.
KANG: "Oldest man"?
Your mouth is sending a Venmo
your butt doesn't have
two-factor authentication
to cash. How's that
for a modern reference?
MARTINEZ:
That's it. I'm sending you
two dumb-skulls to
HR to figure this out.
HR MANAGER:
Let's keep this civil.
No accusations, no swearing,
no hits below the belt.
[Bell rings]
All right. Touch gloves
and express what you hope
to get out of this.
KANG: If you win,
you can date Charlotte,
but if you lose, you have to break
it off and never see her again.
FLUTE: I don't like beating up
old men, but if that's
what it takes to get what I want,
or walk a little faster on
the sidewalk, then so be it.
- KANG: Uh!
- FLUTE: That was just a windbreaker?
[Bell rings]
We're not hitting in
the face, right?
Uh! Call it, call it, call it.
Aah.
MARTINEZ: Hey,
Wendy, you might want to tell
the breastfeeding
during meetings case
to get their gloves on.
This is gonna be quick.
[Indistinct shouting, punch is thrown]
CHARLOTTE: And what
Hollywood never tells you is
that sometimes it's the yellow wire.
[Laughter]
FLUTE: Can I have a word with you
when you've put down
the sharp objects?
CHARLOTTE: Why? Are you
breaking up with me? [Laughs]
Wait. Really?
Oh, I get it now.
You're having kinkier sex
with someone else.
FLUTE: Uh
- yup.
- How could I be so stupid
to think we had something,
that I'd found someone
who could drink and and party
and and honk my boobs
as much as I do?
FLUTE: Women honk their own boobs?
It's a great stress reliever,
and I'm very stressed right now.
[Honk honk]
MARTINEZ: They found a bomb
at the games. Let's roll.
CHARLOTTE: Ugh. Whatever.
KANG: Flute, we still have a job to do.
FLUTE: Enjoy your win.
I'm sitting this out.
- She's all not yours now.
- I [Kang sighs]
[Cheering]
HARMONY:
We've made it to the finals.
Time to find out
who's the best at oral
questions.
SUMMERS: So anything
you want to say to me?
Maybe begins with an "S"
and ends with an "orry.
I didn't believe
how bad a boy you could be, Summers."
WYNONA: Would you stop
acting like that?
SUMMERS: I thought
this was what you wanted.
WYNONA: What a woman
wants is not what we need,
Which is exactly the way we want it,
and I need you to understand
that, OK? Ugh!
SUMMERS: Uh
[Applause]
HARMONY: Summers, before I
ask you your question,
let's bring Trixie to the stage.
[Cheering]
♪
Your question is
What's the hardest part about waiting?
♪
SUMMERS: There's so many
hard parts the doubt, the pain,
all the mistakes you make
along the way.
But the hardest part
the hardest part is
finding that someone
who's worth waiting for.
And once you do that,
nothing seems hard.
TRIXIE AND SPECTATORS: Aw.
FOREST: No! The hardest part is
this town glorifying virginity
because some lady 400 years ago
couldn't get laid.
Maybe it's time you all see
what a virgin sacrifice
really looks like.
[Microphone feedback, crowd gasps]
♪
[Timer beeping]
MARTINEZ: Oh, so this is why
you don't get close to family.
That way, it's easier
to watch them explode. Smart.
♪
KANG: Just leave it.
Save yourself.
CHARLOTTE: No, I defuse it
or I die trying.
KANG: I forbid you to
stay here any longer.
CHARLOTTE: Would you quit acting
like that?
- KANG: Like what?
- Forbidding me, giving me jackets.
God. It's like you're my grandpa
or something.
KANG: What if I kind of
was your grandpa?
CHARLOTTE: Wha what the
hell are you talking about?
KANG: I am your great grandpa.
CHARLOTTE:
And why would I believe that?
KANG: Because you're just like me.
We both treat human connection
like it's a red wire
something to cut before it
blows up in our faces.
That's why I hide from my family
and why you date men you know
won't stick around.
But if we don't change that,
then we may as well
blow to pieces
because what's the point of living?
CHARLOTTE: Grandpa.
[Timer beeping]
KANG: Oh, crap.
[Pop, horn blows]
[Slow clapping]
KANG: Flute?
What the hell was that?
FLUTE: That was 35.95
at the gender reveal store,
but the lesson was priceless.
- Still going to Zelle you for it, though.
- KANG: You called in a bomb threat
- to finally bring us together?
- FLUTE: No. I did it
so you'd give me your blessing
to have sex with her again,
but sure.
So can I have it, please?
Actually, Flute, I've realized
my adrenaline-fueled sex addiction
was because I was scared of
real connections.
But now that I've made one,
I'm realizing I need to work
on me for a little while.
FLUTE: [Haltingly] And that was
the second lesson I was teaching.
So so glad it worked out.
KANG: Hey, I'm sorry about Charlotte
and for puncturing your lung
during the fight.
FLUTE: Maybe I'm destined
to be alone
and only have one working lung.
KANG: You know, it might
be good to get it some cardio.
Maybe we could take that
tandem bike ride this weekend.
[Flute inhales deeply]
Really?
I mean, uh, yeah. That sounds
[Wheezes] great.
♪
SUMMERS: Forest,
why are you doing this?
FOREST: Because this town
idolizes virginity,
when everywhere else,
people try to get rid of it.
I wasted my life training
to be a virgin,
learning to juggle,
skipping the gym every day,
memorizing all the words to
"Zootopia."
I'm doing this to make a point,
so that nobody ever
has to do it again.
That's why there is
a bomb in my stomach.
SUMMERS: And I bet it's a big
one since you're so backed up.
FOREST:
No. I mean I'm gonna blow.
SUMMERS: And it's OK if you do.
You're wearing pants.
FOREST: No.
There's a bomb inside of me!
SUMMERS:
There's a bomb inside us all,
but once it explodes, you'll
realize it's harmless. [Boom]
[Spectators screaming]
SUMMERS:
Oh. That's what he meant.
[Buzz]
[Fanfare]
[Cheering and applause]
HARMONY: And now the transfer of
the chastity belt and crown
from last year's winner
to this year's winner.
FORMER WINNER: Finally I'm free.
My mandatory year of celibacy is up!
SUMMERS: Mandatory year of
what, now?
[Cheering]
[Wynona laughing]
SUMMERS: I wonder if I should
stop liking her.
Nah. I could wait a year.
I once waited three years
for "Curb Your Enthusiasm."
[Laughs]
Larry David.
[Tuba music on soundtrack]