Growing Pains s02e04 Episode Script

Ohh.
Oh, honey, look.
Ben's punishment letter, and flowers too.
Ben who? -Wake up.
-Oh, hello, Maggie.
-Hello.
-Good morning.
-Look.
-Aww.
"Dear Mom and Dad, here is my punishment you wanted.
I hope you like it.
Love, Ben.
" Ohh.
"I don't know if I spelled pornography right or not.
" -Did he? -He did.
I was afraid of that.
JASON: "Dad, you wanted me to write all this stuff down to tell how we got to where we are and what I think about what I did and why it's disgusting.
-For me, the trouble started yesterday--" MAGGIE: "Dad, you wanted me to write--" Oh, sorry.
You read it.
"For me, the real trouble started yesterday when you were paying the bills.
" BEN: Mom's right, nothing good can happen when you sit down to pay the bills.
I was trying to make sure I wasn't around to hear you say any of those words you always say on bill-paying day that I'm not supposed to hear.
-Hi, Ben.
What's--? -Shh! It's bill-paying day.
JASON: Carol, $55 for a hair styling from Blood Sweat & Shears? Come on.
-How'd he know I was home? -I know, it's weird.
-Carol, $55? -Well, Mom knew about it.
She said I should go ahead and get it done because I'm blossoming.
Well, stop.
Ben, please explain to your sister how you can have a rich and full life on four bucks a week? You talking to me? -Hey, guys.
-And don't you go far, Mike.
-I'm gonna wanna talk to you.
-What'd I do? I haven't found it yet.
-What's going on? -It's bill-paying day.
JASON: Oh, I don't believe this one.
Halt.
Two hundred and sixteen dollars for a one-month phone bill? Is that high? Okay, Mike, 67 toll charges, all to the same number at $2 apiece.
Two dollars apiece? Shocking, isn't it, Ben? Why do you automatically assume it's me? Am I the only guy in this house who ever does anything wrong? -Oh, no.
-Oh, no.
Mike, I'm gonna call this number and I'll just bet you that a girl answers.
I'm sure of it.
Even a 10-year-old can see through you.
BEN: Uh-oh.
BEN: Anyway, where was I before I was so rudely interrupted? Oh, yeah.
Dad, you were dialing that phone number.
I was so scared.
All I could hope for was a busy signal.
Hello, this is-- It's a recording.
Sexual Fantasies? Yeah? Yeah, Mike.
Oh, how gross.
-Get in my office, we're gonna talk.
-Everyone should get in your office.
I didn't do anything.
Why don't you get in my office, then we'll all come in my office and we'll deduce who the culprit is.
This is so unfair.
BEN: She didn't know how unfair.
-Hi, honey, I'm home.
-Listen to this.
Um, Jason? One of our kids has been calling this number.
-What? BEN: Mom was a teeny bit upset.
-Yuck.
-Sixty-seven times in one month.
-Mike.
-Well, he denies it.
Oh, if he listened to this with Ben around, I'll-- I'm gonna have to be very calm and very rational about this.
Good idea.
You know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna buy Mike a new car.
-What? -Yeah.
I'm gonna make him look at it, take it away from him I'm gonna park it on the front lawn and let it rust.
All right, which one of you little weasels did this? Come on, Mike.
Save your outraged act for Mom and Dad.
Look, I'm telling you I didn't do it.
Oh, what, so now you're gonna try and blame little Ben? Oh, sure.
Right, Ben.
Well, it certainly wasn't me.
Well, it had to be somebody in this room.
Mike, just pretend you aren't you.
Now, using the process of elimination, who would you say the pervert is? Ben? Carol? Or Mike.
Well.
No, no, I don't wanna pretend that.
All I know is I didn't do it.
And I also know I didn't.
Hey, maybe a guy broke in and did it.
Sixty-seven times? All right, Mike, here's the deal.
Admit what you did and you only wait an extra year for your driver's license.
You confess later and you won't get it for as long as you live here.
Mom.
You have 30 seconds to make up your mind, Mike.
Now Mike was in trouble too.
Real trouble.
And it was all my fault.
I couldn't let this happen to him even if he always does treat me like a sleaze bucket.
So, what do you have to say, Mike? -Well, if those are my only two choices-- JASON: Mike.
-Okay, then, I did it.
-No, I did.
Benny.
-You? -I didn't know it was wrong.
Can you believe this little sleaze bucket? Ben, I don't care how much Mike is paying you to say it-- Hey! Nothing.
I did do it.
Honey, it's sweet that you wanna protect Mike but this is not the way to do it.
Hey, look.
It says here that one of those calls was made on October 20th.
That was the day me and Boner cut class to go to Coney Island.
You cut school? Uh-oh.
That is what convinced her.
These calls were made before Mike even gets back from school.
Right.
I believe an apology is in order here.
Carol, Mike, you can leave the room, please.
Apology accepted, Dad.
Thank you.
We'll talk about Coney Island later.
Later's good.
I started to know how serious it was when you looked at me like I was Emmanuel Lewis.
Oh, Benny, not you.
You're not interested in this kind of stuff.
Why would you call that number? Well, this kid at school was passing it around.
-I knew it.
-What's the boy's name? Dad, I can't rat on somebody.
Well, you're not ratting on him, Ben.
This is a kid with a problem.
He's gotta be straightened out.
You'd be doing him a favor.
Can't we just forget about it? No.
-Is it the Futterman boy? -No.
-Stinky Sullivan? -Uh-uh.
We're not going anywhere till you tell us who it is.
-Tell us, Ben.
-We're waiting, Ben.
-Who is it? -Now, Ben.
-Kris Koosman.
-From next door? -Why, that little dirtbag.
-Maggie.
-I'm sorry.
I didn't mean "dirtbag.
" -You did the right thing by telling us.
-That'll make your punishment easier.
-Oh, Jason, it wasn't his fault.
For now, I don't want you playing with Kris.
But he's my best friend.
Not anymore.
What's the Koosmans' number, Maggie? You don't need friends like that.
Right then, I needed any kind of friend I could find.
Now I did it.
I didn't mean to, but I did it.
I made it worse.
Not only did I rat on my best friend, I ratted on a friend who was innocent.
I decided to go straight to God.
God? [THUNDER RUMBLING.]
If it won't mess up the world or anything maybe you could turn time back a month.
Just one little month? -Hi, Ben, wanna play dodge ball? -Hi, Kris.
I can't.
My dad said it's all right for you to come on the boat next weekend.
-I can't do that either.
-How come? -Well, I-- MAN: Kristian Daniel Koosman! You get your tail back home right now, young man.
Yes, sir.
I didn't do anything.
BUDDY: Having fun with the phone? KRIS: What do you mean? BUDDY: Go in the house, sit down, you and I are gonna have a little talk.
Then you ain't gonna be able to sit down anymore.
-But, Dad-- -In the house, now.
[DOOR SLAMS.]
Dad, I could have said something right then to save Kris, but I didn't.
All because I couldn't tell you and Mom that the kid who was passing out the number at school the kid who was the bad influence on me, was me.
I knew I had to get out before you found out I was even worse than Mike.
Bye, room.
Bye, bed.
Bye, chair with a face on it.
I didn't know where I was going.
Just some place with no phones.
Probably Russia.
[PHONE RINGING.]
I'll get it.
-You got it? -I got it.
-Good.
-Hello? Yes, it is.
Mrs.
Kovacevich.
You're working late.
A principal's job is never done, is it? What kind of trouble could Ben be in? -Yes, I saw the phone bill and I-- -Tell her we called the Koosmans.
All the parents are angry? Well, I guess the Koosman boy spread the number to everyone.
What do you mean? -What do you mean, what do I mean? -What does she mean? -Ben did it? -What? There must be a mistake.
Ben told us he got the number from the Koosman boy.
Tell her he's the dirtbag.
Yes, he's the dirt-- He's the bad influence.
Well, it's-- So it's Ben's word against some other child's? Fourteen other childs? They all name Ben? MAGGIE: Ben? I don't know what to say.
I, uh.
We'll handle it.
Yes, thank you.
-She's sure? -Very.
-Then Ben is the-- -Dirtbag.
Jason, I'm sure Benny had a very good reason for placing those calls.
Yes, and for blaming his best friend, for lying to us and for spreading that number all over Wendell Willkie Elementary School.
Okay.
Can't you give a mother just a moment of protecting her young? Now, either everything we said about Kris Koosman now applies to Ben, or we're hypocrites.
I vote hypocrite.
-Maggie-- -Good, it's settled.
-Come on.
-I'm sorry, Jason.
It's just tough for me to accept that Ben is a purveyor of pornography.
BEN: Well, the news was out.
Now it was time to face the music.
Seems you've been very busy passing a dirty number around school.
Not that busy.
How could you stand there, stare us straight in the eye and lie to us? But I didn't lie.
I wanted it to be true.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
Ben, I am very disappointed in you.
Mom had never said that to me before.
Things were about as bad as they could get.
Then they got worse.
Bud Koosman.
-Oh, am I glad to see you.
-Doc, Kris here has something to say.
Well, so do we.
Come in, come in.
I'd never seen Kris so mad at me before.
And he was walking kind of funny.
Speak.
-Well, what happened was-- -Not you.
Him.
Yeah, I'm sorry.
"I'm very sorry.
" I'm very sorry I gave Ben the dirty phone number.
-I have to interrupt here-- -No, Doc.
You said it all on the phone when you said that Kris here was exerting negative peer pressure.
-I didn't know-- -Me neither, until I looked it up.
Go ahead, mister.
And I'll pay for your phone bill out of my allowance till it's all paid off.
-Okay, let's go.
-Wait a minute, Bud.
-There's been a mistake.
-What do you mean a mistake? All that could save me now was a natural disaster like a flood or a hurricane or a tycoon.
Please, Bud, sit.
Kris? Ah! Maybe later.
Bud, I should not have called you.
Are you kidding? If it was your kid pulling that malarkey I'd be at your door looking to exert negative peer pressure on somebody's face.
A-ha.
You know, Doc, under the circumstances, I think you're being a real gentleman.
Bud, I'd like to appeal to your sense of irony here.
Okay.
You know, when you think about it, it's almost kind of funny.
[JASON AND MAGGIE CHUCKLING.]
Funny? See, as a psychiatrist I understand that a kid can get confused when he gets in a jam.
Well, as a plumber, I know that when my kid stops up on me I gotta flush the truth out of him.
I couldn't take it anymore.
I cracked.
I did it, Mr.
Koosman, I did it.
I passed out the number.
You lied to me.
I told you it wasn't me, Pop.
Yeah, but then after I tanned your hide, you said it was.
We're just very sorry about the whole thing, really.
Ah.
It's no sweat.
The little buckaroo had a spanking coming for something I didn't even know about.
-But, Pop, I-- -Look, look.
Tell you what I'm gonna do.
Next time you got a couple of whacks coming, I'll forget about it.
Ah? Now, you see, this is a perfect example of how I, for one have learned not to jump to conclusions about my children.
I don't blame you.
Let's go.
Ben, don't you have something to say to Kris? Kris? -What? -I'm sorry.
Hey, hey, that's rude.
All right, that's your freebie, pal.
Enjoy it.
Boy, I don't know what gets into him, you know.
Sometimes he acts like a little kid.
Well, Ben, I want you to go to your room.
I want you to think about why making those phone calls was wrong.
Why lying about it was even more wrong, and what you're gonna do about it.
So I'll be there a long time? Go.
I don't know how long I was there trying to figure out what you wanted to hear.
I must have fell asleep because it suddenly came to me that it was all a bad dream.
That I never called nobody, and I was the same little kid you loved.
Then Carol walked in.
Ben? Is it morning? In Australia, but not here.
Listen, I wanted to warn you.
Dad's coming up here to talk to you.
And he's been walking around breathing through his nose.
Oh, no.
Since this is your first time with the big punishment scene I thought I'd give you a few tips.
-You never help Mike.
-Seeing him squirm is fun.
Seeing you suffer is like watching Merv Griffin sing.
Thanks.
The first thing you have to know is that parents blame themselves for every bad thing we do.
-Really? -Yeah.
So if you get cornered, say something like: "I didn't know any better.
" Second, say you got the idea from rock music lyrics.
You finished, Carol? -Dad, how long have you been here? -Long enough.
Carol was right, you were breathing through your nose.
Good luck, Ben.
-Ben, I have-- -Dad, I didn't know any better.
And I'm through with rock 'n' roll.
-Feel better? -No.
Nuts.
Ben, this is gonna go a lot faster if you'll just be straight with me, okay? Where did you get the number? From a poster on a tree in the park where the big kids hang out.
-That's the truth? -Yes.
-Are we done? -No, I'll let you know.
Did you know what you were listening to, you shouldn't be listening to? -Kind of.
-That's yes? -No.
-Then you didn't know? -Not exactly.
-Ben, we were on a roll here.
Well, I knew it was dirty, but it didn't make much sense.
-Well, then why did you pass it out? -Are you kidding? Word spread I had the number and kids were all over me.
Even big kids.
For once I wasn't Mike's little brother, I was Ben, the good-time guy.
That's a dubious distinction, Ben.
Yeah, it was great.
If you're curious about sex, you've gotta come to me or your mom and talk.
Don't let your fingers do the walking.
I hate the phone.
I'm never gonna use the phone again.
-Well, we have to talk about sex here.
-Haven't I heard enough about that? Well, you haven't heard anything that's right, or healthy or real.
Sex isn't something that you buy or sell on the street or at a newsstand, or on the phone.
-Yeah? -Yeah.
Sex is a beautiful thing, it's a private thing that two people share when they care about each other.
It's not between one person and a public utility.
-You actually told him that? -More or less, yeah.
"That's when you told me to write all this stuff down.
I learned a lot from this.
I know that sex isn't something to use to make you famous.
[CHUCKLES.]
And I know I should never have made those calls and I'll pay for them somehow.
The one thing I still don't get is, since I shouldn't hear junk like that how come it's so easy for a little kid like me to get the number?" All right, I'm sorry, your little Benny has gone too far this time.
-What's this? -He hid all the phone cords.
Says they only cause heartache.
-I think it's kind of cute.
-Cute? Now he has got to be punished.
I think it's time you took a firmer-- Speaking of punishment, there's still that little matter of you cutting school to go to Coney Island.
On the other hand, what good does punishment really do? What kids need today is love.
So why not reach out? Reach out and touch someone.
-You gotta admit it.
-Yep, he is good.