Happy Endings s02e04 Episode Script

You guys watching Marty's show-- "Boardwalk Empire"? - Marty? - Marty Scorsese.
Martin Scorsese.
You can't call him that.
You're not his buddy.
I'm sorry.
I like to call celebrities by the names they prefer.
Bobby de Niro, Sandy Bullock, Eddie Jimmy Olmos.
There's no way Edward James Olmos - likes to be called "Eddie Jimmy.
" - Mnh-mnh.
Wait.
I've got one.
Johnny Depp! - Wait.
Explain the rules again.
- No.
- Hey, Dave, this one's on me.
(Brad) - Ohh! Hey, hey! Waitress looks like she wants a piece of your downstairs goatee.
Could be a good way - to get out of your dry spell, man.
- Guys, I'm not having a dry spell.
I'm just taking a break.
A break from what? Women being attracted to you? (Dart clinks) No, I just--I'm not thinking about dating, you know? I'm focusing on work.
The work of being sexually unsatisfied? All right, that one was a little forced.
Maybe you should force yourself on a girl.
I'm not good at these games.
Guys, it turns it is not "the year of penny" after all.
I didn't get that raise I thought I was gonna get.
Oh, I put my gum in there.
Mm.
(Both gag) You know what? Keep it.
- It sounds like you had a rough day.
- God, man, - I really thought you were gonna get that.
- I know.
(Gasps) Ohh! Do you know what you need? A raise? Isn't that why she's upset? No, it is time.
It is time for you to make a vision board.
- Oh, boy.
(Groans) (Brad) - Come on.
What? No, no.
No, no.
You know what? It is a real thing.
You make a board, and you put images of what you visualize for your life, and then the universe makes it happen.
It worked for me.
That's how I got Mr.
b-r-a-d.
Well, technically, she didn't have me on the board.
It was just a picture of one of the guys from "in living color.
" Fly girls If a vision board is good enough for Oprah and Jenny McCarthy, it's good enough for me.
I'm doing it.
That is the stupidest thing I've ever heard, and I have heard Dave try to explain the housing crash.
All right, I-it was-- they took loans, and they repackaged them, subprime.
Uh, and it's a numbers game.
You just have to-- - oh, God.
See how stupid that is? And these vision boards are even stupider, but if we're doing it, we're doing it.
- Oh, we're doing it? - Yeah, I don't wanna be left out.
Remember the time you guys went to pick apples without me, and you found Ricki Lake's wallet? Oh! I still carry it.
So crazy.
She was one stamp away from a free sandwich at seven different sandwich shops.
- Yeah, it was so sad.
- Yeah, it worked out for us, though.
I know.
We got all those free sandwiches.
God, they were good, weren't they? So what does everyone have on their board so far? Well, I've been meaning to reconnect with some ladies in my life that I've lost touch with, so I cut out a picture of happy women.
Ooh! Now why are they all in leotards and drinking sanka? My mom has a ton of "Redbook" magazines from the '80s, and I didn't want to tear up my "us weeks.
" Ah.
I'm also visualizing a romantic, old-fashioned gentleman.
Ooh! (Squeals) The kind of guy who will buy you flowers and dinner and look at you during sex.
Ah.
And if that guy happens to be Parker, the new hot bartender at Rosalita's, I won't hate it.
Oh, I want all those things, too, except the "looking at me during sex" part is probably not realistic.
Oh, yeah.
Ugh! Max, you are just copying me! What are you talking about? No, I'm not.
I coincidentally also like Parker, and coincidentally, I also want to be a huge, successful career woman with giant shoulder pads.
Max, if you are not gonna take this seriously, leave.
I am taking this seriously! Look! I want one of these! You want a wicker bassinet.
Yes! I want a whisker basket.
Say it correctly.
I want a w--a w-- a w-- okay, penny, ignore him.
These boards work.
The universe will give you exactly what you deserve.
(Whispers) I promise.
(Normal voice) Hey, bo where you going? Headed back to the office.
I've gotta impress this new boss in whatever way I can.
God, I'm having such a difficult time connecting with the guy, you know? It's like, none of my usual charm works on him.
(Elevator bell dings) Oh.
(Stammers) Hey.
(Chuckles) (Grunts rhythmically) Shall we dance? I hate dancing.
An office cannot function without a "shall we dance?" I mean, what's he gonna crap on next, "working hard-hardly working"? He already did! (Scoffs) And I tried the "come here often? " Bit at the urinal, - and he was like, "a normal amount.
" - No.
Oh, and I forgot the worst part.
The guy always has food on his face.
I hate dancing.
Brad, if someone's got food on their face, you gotta tell 'em.
You have food on your face.
Just like that, man.
Power through.
Don't even think about how it's affecting you-- - oh, I have food on my face.
- Yeah.
There's more.
I have more? - There's more, man.
- Did I get it? You got it.
Oh, wait.
There's some on your forehead.
- Did I get it? - Earlobe.
- Clean? - Yeah.
Neck.
You got it.
- Yep? Great.
- Yeah.
Okay, we have a cucumber salad, fried squash blossoms, truffle Mac, roast chicken with garlic mash, chocolate bread pudding-- extra whip-- and strawberry sorbet.
That's me.
Four sets of utensils? Three? Two? Uh.
.
Oh, boy.
Sorbet's really a palate cleanser.
Uh-huh.
(Dave) Hey, honey bunny.
Hey! Happy 3-week anniversary! Mmm.
Feels like only yesterday that I was bitten by your tiny dog.
(Giggles) Oh.
Oh, my God.
- What? - My ex-fiance has a girlfriend! Oh, honey.
That'll be $67.
50.
(Brakes squeal) Hey, man, thanks for the ride.
I cannot believe Jane crashed our prius into a stop sign.
Aw, women be stoppin'.
Women be stoppin'.
Women be like, "stop," and men be like, "bitch, we need to go!" (Laughs) Please don't.
Yeah, that was not good.
Oh! It's my boss.
- Huh? - Yeah.
(Speaks inaudibly) Oh, my God! He really does have a ton of food on his face! You gotta tell him.
No way, dude! Are you crazy? Ah, he's gonna think it's super weird if he sees me in this thing.
Relax.
I just got the windows retinted, so sit back and enjoy the anonymity.
Williams, is that you? (Groans) How come he sees me? I might have put the tint on the wrong side of the window.
(Whispers) Idiot.
(Normal voice) Good morning, Mr.
Forristal.
Is this you limo, Williams? Uh well, you see, women be stoppin'.
Because I like it.
Man! I'm a collector of classic cars, and this is gorgeous.
Yeah.
Walk with me, Brad.
You get one of these.
Martini, extra olives.
How did you know I liked extra olives? Looks like someone's been paying attention to my drink order, Parker.
No.
I'm sorry.
This isn't yours.
What are you drinking? - Um, Martini, extra olives.
- Okay.
Sorry.
Oh, my God.
I am making zero impression on him.
I knew that vision board was a stupid idea.
I shouldn't have done it.
It has only been 22 hours.
You cannot give up so easily.
What are you, Lebron in the fourth quarter? (Laughs) I don't know what it means either, but Brad-- Brad says it all the time.
So, Dave, what were you doing last night? Oh, nothin'.
Making the world a better place through steak.
That's what you're going with? Dave is not in a dry spell.
I saw him kissing a girl in a restaurant.
(Brad, penny, and Jane) Ohh! So you were spying on me? No.
No, I was just picking up a normal amount of to-go food for one person, and I didn't eat half in the cab and the other half in bed.
No one said you did.
Good, 'cause I didn't! You could've told us about her, you know.
You don't have to protect my feelings.
I wasn't.
I just--I didn't want any of you to know because I knew you would all want to meet her.
So? Well, you're not the most welcoming bunch.
I'm a special ed teacher, foster dog mom, and in my spare time, I act out the Sunday comics for blind children.
(Brad, penny, Jane, and Max) Boo! That was 2010 us, okay? Why don't you bring your new girl over - for dinner tomorrow night? - I don't know.
We'll be on our best behavior.
I won't even show her how I can to kick over someone's head effortlessly.
You can? Hey! All right, but this is your last chance.
Guys! Guys! Look what I found in that back alley where I get my teeth whitened! A whisker basket! Say it right.
A wicker bassinet? So now Max's ironic vision board is coming true? What are you gonna do with that thing? Top of my head, it seems like a good dog bed for Mr.
Bojangly.
- We have a dog? - Yeah, we have a dog.
You guys, guess what! My vision board is coming true! Oh! Wow! Who sent you flowers? The card says they're from a secret admirer, but I'm pretty sure it's Parker.
Well, whoever they're from, board's working.
The universe is listening.
Okay, I gotta put these flowers in water because I want Parker to know I can take care of nice things.
Yeah.
Ohh! Look at how happy she looks! Oh! Happy.
(Door closes) What the hell are you doing? W--I'm not doing anything.
You're the only person in the world that sends flowers from that florist/bike shop next to your office.
No.
Lots of people use pedal to the petal.
- Jane.
- Okay, fine.
So the universe wasn't moving fast enough, so I kinda just jump-started her board.
Once you believe, good things start happening on their own.
Like how Adrien Brody became handsome, or how like Adrien Brody became handsome.
(Whispers) I am weirdly attracted to him.
I just don't think you should be doing a bunch of stuff from her board.
It's bad jujubes.
That's all I did.
(Chuckles) Although she might be getting some letters from a few ladies that she's lost touch with.
Wink, wink.
(Laughs) (Whispers) I sent the letters.
I got it.
You need to stop, Jane.
You realize you're not the universe, right? I promise I won't do anything else.
Okay? And for the record, I'm not entirely sure I'm not the universe.
(Sighs) Thanks for coming so quickly.
Yeah, man.
You know I'd drop anything for you, even if what I was doing was photoshopping my HDD onto rachael Ray's body, then photoshopping that onto a "time" magazine that said "she-man of the year.
" (Laughs) And let me tell you, it looks very erotic.
(Laughs) Anyway, so here's deal.
Forristal was so into your limo, which I still don't totally get but I'm gonna go with it anyways, that he invited me to be part of a major pitch this afternoon, as long as you'll drive us there.
- Cool.
- Cool! Well, now that you guys are so tight, you might be able to tell him about the food on his face.
I mean, it's the human thing to do.
Not the keeping-your-job thing to do.
Hey, Mr.
Forristal.
Hey, good afternoon.
It's a great afternoon.
Oh.
Ahh.
Mr.
Forristal, just so you know-- that'll be all, driver.
Chop-chop.
(Divider whirring) Oh! You can't put the divider up! That's my thing! What does "chop-chop" mean? Ow! Aah, my fingers! My finger was not caught, but I did want to discuss something.
Are you hearing me? Do you hear me?! (Panting) Ohh! Mwah! Okay, you and your board need to get a room A board room.
Yes! Everything on my board is coming true.
That's great.
I even ran into Parker getting off the train, and he asked me out! Really? He was there, randomly waiting for you? I guess.
I don't know.
Anyway, he took me to my favorite wine bar for a glass of Pinot, and he's the first guy I've been with in forever who didn't pronounce the "t.
" The universe is making it happen.
(Giggles) It's not the universe, penny.
It's Jane.
She did all of this, okay? I mean, why do you think Parker was just there waiting for you? Huh.
Wow.
Regretting that under the shirt stuff.
Ah! All right.
(Thud) Damn it.
(Imitates Southern accent) Hello, miss Daisy.
Dude.
You're not gonna let me at your fancy dinner party? (Normal voice) You gonna put up a glass partition, separating me from your guests, controlling who I can and can't talk to? What else was I supposed to do? You were gonna tell my boss he had food on his face.
No, I wasn't.
I would never do that.
Why would I do that? Uh.
Because you're Max, and you never shut up.
You always have to do your whole Max thing.
Oh, my "Max" thing? Yeah.
What, being funny and surprising, and people are like, "there's Max.
Watch what happens.
" Then other people are like, "very funny.
" And then other people are like, "characters welcome.
" Okay, those are just the taglines from Bravo, TBS, and USA.
You know what? Fine.
If you weren't gonna tell him, then how were you gonna finish that sentence, hmm? "Mr.
Forristal, just so you know" "Oh, just so you know, "this classic 1980s limo which you seem to be so fond of, "comes stock with all of its original sodas.
So sit back and relax and crack open ice-cold tab.
" That's all you were gonna say? Yeah.
The more you know.
(Sighs) Get my--can you get the ice for me? (Imitates Southern accent) Oh, of course, Mr.
Brad.
- No, not - I'll get your ice for you.
Wouldn't want any more pain going into your soft hands, Mr.
Brad.
(Exhales deeply) Jane, the board is working so well.
Mm! Everything is coming true, so I decided to add some new stuff.
I want two first-class tickets to Greece for this weekend, and I wanna gain also for this weekend.
What? I wanna look good for my trip.
- That's quite a list.
- Yeah, but I'm pretty sure it'll all come true, 'cause what I would hate is to lose faith in the board.
Is the universe up for all that, Jane? Well, the universe will probably, you know, lie awake trying to figure it out, maybe develop some stress eczema, but, yeah.
Yeah? Mm-hmm.
I'm not worried.
(Doorbell rings) Oh! Okay, this is Dave and his new lady.
And remember, we are not gonna be judgmental of Molly.
Molly is a fat ankle's name, just so everyone knows, but you won't be hearing me say that because I am the picture of self-control.
Isn't that right, Brad? Come on, dude! Okay.
Hi, guys.
This is Molly.
Molly, this is-- the gang! Hi! (Laughs) So great to meet you.
(Max) Molly is such a beautiful name.
(Gasps) I love your boots.
Well, I'm so bad because they were super expensive, but I saved up for a long time, and my dad is rich.
(Clatter) (Groans) She's cute, isn't she? - Yes.
- The boots are cute.
I want 'em.
They're going on the board.
Money's no object, right, Jane? No! (Laughs) The universe is gonna provide.
I had a hunch that you guys were gonna get along, just like I had a hunch about that housing market crisis.
See, the problem is, no one put any money down.
Oh, boy.
(Groans) All right, I'm gonna get working on these steaks.
I'm so excited to finally meet you.
You guys are so hot together.
(Laughs) (Laughs) - Well - Although you're a bit of a skinny bitch for a black guy to be with.
Am I right, trick? (Laughs) Yeah! Oh! (Laughs) Put some meat in them bones.
That's true.
Oh, you look tired.
Oh, my God.
You must be the gay guy.
Gay guys love me! Don't worry.
We won't sleep together.
Yes, we will.
(Chuckles) - You, me, and Mr.
jelly belly! - Oh, I don't like the way this feels! (Giggles) Please don't do me.
Okay, Molly, why don't you sit down? And we will all go get you a drink.
Wow, what a great starter home.
Love.
Super cute.
(Lowered voice) She is horrible! (Clenched teeth) Nightmare.
She is the worst.
Although I really do like those boots.
I am still mad at you, but right now I have to prioritize my hate, and it goes her, cooked green peppers, and then back to you, champ.
Maybe she's just nervous.
Guys, we promised Dave.
Let's just suck it up and get through this.
Oh, my God! A vision board.
My mother made one of thee in her divorced over 50 group.
I used to call it her desperation board.
(Laughs) (All laughs) She did me.
I take it you're single, penny? - She's gotta go.
- I knew it.
God, Molly is a nice, hot, sweet, caring, hot person.
- You said "hot" twice.
- She is hot twice.
The other things were just words I put in there to spread out the "hot"s.
Whatever.
I'm having fun.
Give me a break.
Dave, she jellied my belly.
- You told me to bring her.
- We hate her.
(Scoffs) Well, clearly, not everybody hates her.
Alex, my ex-fiancee, who has more of a reason than any of you to not like Molly, is getting along just fine.
Look, they're like Vaughn and Favreau in there.
Whatever.
You guys, I knew you couldn't be nice for just one night.
I think we should leave.
Come on.
(Penny and Max) Dave.
Dave.
(Brad) Come on, Dave.
We are bad, bad people.
(Groans) (Inhales sharply) Who wants some poutine? - I do.
(Brad) - I do.
(Max) - I want some poutine.
(Nasal voice) - I want some.
- I want some.
- Hold up.
Hey, fella, I know we're going through a rough patch right now, but my boss just texted me, and he was wondering if you could give him a ride tonight.
- I don't know.
- Please? (Sighs) Please.
Pretty please with you on top? All right, all right, all right, I'll do it.
But only to prove to you that I can take one limo ride without crazy Max shooting off his mouth.
"Oh, there's crazy Max again, shooting something off.
"What's he shooting off? Probably his mouth 'cause he's crazy.
" You know what? I'll do it.
I won't make a big deal out of it.
(Door closes) Dude, you got food all over your face.
You wanted to see me, sir? Yes, I wanted to go over these reports.
- Everything look all right to you here? - Yeah, absolutely.
Even the gigantic piece of pancake on my face? Gi--what? Pan--who? Uh ahem.
I didn't even notice.
You didn't know that I always have food on my face? Yes, I did.
I just, uh, thought it was a fashion choice like, uh, leaving your tags on hats.
Well, you should have said something.
Luckily, someone else did.
(Singsongy) Uh-oh.
Burrito de breakfast coming in hot.
(Laughs) (Normal voice) What up, Brad? Oh, Forristal, try not to get any salsa on your face, ya maniac.
(Laughs) I love this guy.
Max is exactly what we need around here.
I'm tired of yes-men.
You know what I mean? Yes.
Wait.
No.
What's the right answer? (Cell phone ringing) Oh.
(Lowered voice) What are you doing here? What do you mean? He texted me, said, "bring me breakfast burritos.
" I said, "okay.
" Hey, hon.
Oh, your plane just landed? Oh, good.
No, I'll have someone come get you.
You mind going? - Yeah, no problem.
- No, no, no.
I meant Brad.
- Huh? - Max just got his burrito.
S-sure thing.
I have a master's degree.
Absolutely.
(Keys jangle) Oh, sir, you have, uh, little salsa on your face, ya--ya maniac.
Well, you don't have to be a jerk about it.
(Whispers) God.
- Hey! - Hey! What are you doing here? Just, you know, dropping off some sister stuff for Alex.
- Is that a new top? - No.
You know, look what I just found up here on the fridge.
Didn't you have "go to Greece" on your board? Yes, I did.
(Laughs) Well, it's not two first-class tickets to Greece.
It is one ticket to a first grade production of "grease 2.
" Well, you know, the universe is eons old and sometimes a little hard of hearing, but I've heard the Mayview Elementary Gazette called Cody Libman the best cool rider since Kyle Libman.
(Whispers) Very talented family.
So this is one hot ticket.
- Well (Laughs) (Sniffs) - What is that smell? I don't know.
I don't know what that smell could be, but I think it's coming from over here.
I'm smelling.
It's bringing me over here to the-- oh, my God.
(Gasps) Didn't you ask for that? (Whispers) Unbelievable! (Normal voice) Jane, everything that I put on my board is coming true.
(Whispers) Oh.
Do you remember when I put "reconnect with ladies" on there? I--vaguely.
Just this morning out of the crystal blue skies, I get a letter from my great-aunt Donna.
- Huh! - What did she have to say? A lot.
It was a surprisingly long letter given the fact that she is dead.
(Gasps) (Whispers) - A ghost.
(Whispers) - Yeah.
(Normal voice) Okay, I'm sorry, penny.
I'm sorry.
Ugh.
Look, I appreciate what you're trying to do, but you don't have to fix my life.
I'm doing fine.
I know you are.
I just want you to have everything that you want.
I know, and it's very sweet that you wanna do all this, but you're not gonna bring my aunt back to life, and you can't make Parker like me.
Parker? You got him to ask me out.
No.
No, I didn't.
- You didn't? - No! Oh, my God! The board works! Aah! The board works! I knew it! I knew it! Except for the fact that I thought you put him up to it so I told him off! I blew it! No, no, you can un-blow it.
- I can un-blow it! - Shh! Some of us are taking naps.
Dave, what happened? - Ugh.
I got tagged by a Latin gang.
- What? I'm not really sure what it says, but it can't be good.
- How do you know? - The skull and penis.
Ugh.
Look, everyone feels bad about what happened last night.
Yeah, they were so judgy, except you.
Why were you so nice to Molly? Because I know you guys aren't serious, and you're dating her 'cause she's hot, and I get it.
- Oh, you should see her naked.
It's-- - No.
I'm sorry.
Sometimes I forget that you're not a regular friend.
Look, Dave, you and I are always gonna have a special thing, and when I see you have a special thing with someone else that's real and lasting, I'm gonna be a total bitch, just FYI.
I look forward to that day.
(Chuckles) Oh, man.
Another penis! Wow, dude.
Who throws keys that hard? I do.
After having to drive Forristal's wife around Chicago for six hours so she could finish her book on tape-- "water for elephants.
" Ugh.
Horrible.
I know.
I had just started reading it.
- Look, Brad-- - What, Max? Hmm? Do you have my job now? Do we both pee in a fountain or touch a magic skull and then swap lives, so now you get the nice house and the hot wife and I gotta sleep on an air mattress and iron my clothes with a toaster? Okay, first of all, everyone knows that ironing is bad for your clothes.
Secondly, Forristal kicked me out of his office, and third, that is not an air mattress.
That is a very high-end pool float-- wait, wait, wait.
Can we go back to the second one? Forristal asked me to be honest with him, so I was.
I told him that you were the smartest, most hardworking guy I knew, and next thing I know, he kicked me out of his office.
Wait.
He kicked you out for that? Well, not really for that.
He agreed with me.
He thinks you're awesome.
Oh.
I more kind of In a way Misread a moment.
(Laughs) You're a great guy, Max.
(Chuckles) You, too.
(Groans) Yeah, I'm an idiot.
Dude, you're not an idiot.
No, I am.
I once ate a winning lottery ticket.
(Grunts) Can't hold me.
- Sink it.
- Sink it.
- Sink it.
- Sink it.
- Hurt him.
Hurt him.
- Sink it.
Phylicia Rashad! (Ball hits backboard) Yeah, that was Phylicia Rashad.
Yeah, it felt like Phylicia would have done that.
All right.
So I'll call you.
I will be waiting by my phone.
(Chuckles) (Muffled squeal) He totally understood, and he's so sweet.
He said I was a raven-haired beauty, and then I said, "that's so raven," and he laughed.
Or coughed.
But either way, I think he likes me, and the craziest part is, he has a vision board, too.
(Squeals) Okay, okay, when are you going out again? Never.
(Scoffs) Like I would date a guy with a vision board.
Yea, I know you would not date a guy with a vision board 'cause it wasn't on your vision board to date a guy with a vision board (Mutters mockingly)