Haters Back Off (2016) s02e04 Episode Script

1 In the arms of the angel Fly away from here You're in the arms of the angels May you find Some comfort here What are you guys doing? Mom's not dead.
Not yet.
What good is a funeral video if she's not around to see it? The doctor specifically said she won't die.
Yeah, I actually feel good, honey.
I'm Shh.
- Don't speak.
You're too weak.
- See how weak she is? I don't know why everyone is freaking out.
I just took a nap at the talent show.
That was a nap? I thought you fainted! Way to make a big deal out of nothing, Emily.
Jeez, let's go.
No, we have to wait for test results so the doctor can figure out the best course of action.
Oh, you're such a nerd! - I got all the stuff you asked for.
- Finally.
Did you bring my neck pillow? Once I got Miranda's trophies in the box, there wasn't any more room.
Oh, my God! Miranda, look at this! I know! He squished my freaking Chia Pet.
No, you just got your first check from YouTube for $40.
22! We're rich! That can't be a real check.
Your mom's not a real check! Wait, I don't understand.
You make money from these videos? We do now! Which means we finished phase one! My plan is working! Now, we take this money and we order as many plain T-shirts as we can.
We put your face on them, and we sell them for a fortune! Patrick, get me your laptop! - The check! - It's hot! The check! Patrick, how could you? The check! It's okay! It's okay! - The check! - It's blistering just a little bit.
The check is blistering! Fix it, Uncle Jim! Dunk it in that! So hot! It's hot on my neck.
- I got it! - The ink is running.
- Oh, no! - The ink is running! Oh, my God! What do we do? You crossed off phase one.
We can't go back! I crossed off phase one? We had a soup spill.
Can we get another gown? It's okay.
I don't want to be a bother.
It's no problem.
Don't worry.
I'll make merch without the ad money! Where will we find blank clothes to put my face on? - We have lots of gowns.
- For free? - Take what you need.
- In bulk? We have tons of these gowns.
Excuse me, Miranda.
Where do you keep these tons of gowns? - Jackpot! - Ugh.
- These clothes smell like skin.
- No, Miranda, don't you understand? We have a closet filled with supplies we can use to make merch, not to mention a building filled with potential customers who can't run away.
Suddenly, skin smells like money.
Mmm-hmm.
We can only stay as long as Bethany is a patient.
We gotta act fast.
Okay.
She needs to stay sick.
I'll start praying.
Good.
Yeah.
But also, that she doesn't die.
Just really sick.
Just the perfect amount of sick.
Okay.
Oh, Patrick! Do you know how to silk screen? Yes.
But only up to 16 colors.
Damn it! Okay, we'll have to make it work.
I need you to build an industrial, multicolored silk screen apparatus.
- Understood.
- Everyone! - Collect as many supplies as you can.
- Okay.
Miranda, look at these.
These are perfect.
What the heck.
Those have holes in them.
My toes would squirt out.
It's so your toes can breathe.
Uh, I have enough holes to take care of.
No, thank you.
How many holes do you have? - Does an ear count as a hole? - Yes.
One, two, three, four, five.
Oh, five.
I don't have as many holes as you.
I'll try them for myself.
God, it feels like I'm walking on a mushroom.
Really nice.
Really, really nice shoe.
Hungry? Oh.
Okay, hey, you know what? You can help me get dressed now.
- We should wait for the doctor.
- Oh, he came by.
I can go.
What did he say? Well, first of all, I feel wonderful.
I mean, I feel fantastic.
And, um, I just have to go on a little bit of dialysis until I get a new kidney, which sounds like hubbub for nothing.
Mom, this is serious.
Yes, that is what my doctor said.
But I need a third opinion.
Can you help me get this IV out? The nurse refuses to.
Let me give you the kidney.
Wha No! No, no.
That I won't get a kidney from my daughter.
- That's out of the question.
- Mom! We're going home.
Okay? End of discussion.
Fine.
Can you just stay here until I go talk to the doctor? Excuse you! Excuse us! Patrick, please.
Do not let my mother leave this room.
Understood.
So, Bethany, how are you feeling? I feel great.
Dang it! Miranda! - Start praying.
- Mmm-hmm.
- How about now? - Ow! A little worse.
- Cool.
That's the stuff.
- Mmm-hmm.
Thanks, God.
- Prayer works.
- It sure does.
- So sorry you're sick.
- So sorry.
You know, Emily, donating a kidney is a very big decision.
Are you sure this is something you want to do? I mean, we can put her on the waiting list and hope for the best.
No, if I'm a match, I'm doing it.
All right, we'll run some blood tests and see if that works.
Mmm-hmm.
Mmm-hmm.
Mmm-hmm.
Uh I'm not a big fan of needles so I'll look away, if that's okay.
- Good idea.
This may take some digging.
- Uncle Jim? No.
I'm not Uncle Jim.
I'm just a masculine male nurse.
What are you doing? I am trying to silk screen Miranda merch, and I need your ink, Emily.
- My blood? - Call it what you want.
I'll call it my blood.
- This will just take a second.
- No.
Stop it! - Come here.
Give - No.
- Come here - Get away from my arm! Mmm.
Hello there.
I'm just a caring uncle here to hold Emily's hand while you siphon out her precious inky blood.
- Give me your hand.
- Get out.
Fine! Wow! I look incredible.
Hey, hey! Ow! Good.
Good.
That's what I like to hear.
What the heck? Where's the blood? We're almost out of ink! Emily is willing to give her blood to a stranger, but not her Uncle Jim.
Wait, who is Emily giving her blood to? Some total rando nurse.
But don't worry.
Turns out this hospital has ink after all.
Do you want green propeller or pink flower? Hello, hello, hello.
- Hello.
Greetings.
Greetings.
- Good afternoon.
Yes.
We are here to pay our respects.
No, they're gonna pay us.
We're not paying them.
Miranda, let me handle this.
It's sad being in a coma, but what's even sadder is when your fashion is comatose.
I have official merchandise of the hottest YouTube star in the world.
Oh, that's me.
- What? - Oh, do you hear that? Did you say something? Oh! He says he wants to buy some merchandise.
It's a miracle! That they're only $19.
99.
Look at this drab thing.
For only $19.
99, you can have my face on his chest! Check it out.
Or her face on your pants.
Get out! Only $19.
99! What a miracle! Oh, don't touch his mouth? Okay.
Hurray! No? Don't touch it? Okay.
Sorry.
Oh, isn't that wonderful? I think you all need a Miranda Sings shirt.
Get out.
Well, fine! But when he wakes up wearing that drab outfit, it's not our fault! Not our fault! I wouldn't wake up either if I were him.
He has to wake up in that ugly thing.
No offense.
Nobody's buying anything! What? I want a refund on these shirts you made, Patrick! They are not selling.
Maybe more people would buy them if they saw them on Miranda.
Or a model person.
You know, just a body.
Platonic body.
No.
Platonic? I do not trust robots.
She was attacked by a Roomba once.
Yeah, it clipped my toenail.
Oh, I was talking about a fashion show.
- Ooh, a fashion show! - Ooh-la-la.
Now you're thinking.
Robots will wear the clothes in a fashion show.
Robots? Sure.
Or, um Miranda can wear the clothes.
- I'm not a robot.
- Miranda is not a robot.
I didn't I never I think I understand what you're saying.
You're saying we put on a fashion show with Miranda as the star.
That sounds ideal.
Okay, Miranda, take the other end of the string.
- Oh.
- Excuse me.
Pardon me.
Ugh.
Gross.
Why do all sick people smell like wet Band-Aids? Ooh, I can't breathe.
I can taste it.
Excuse me.
Can I help you? No, just putting on a fashion show.
Thanks, anyway.
- Fashion show? - Yes.
It's for that young lady over there.
- Poor thing.
- Mmm-hmm.
We're running out of time.
We need to do this before she moves on to the next phase.
It's her one wish.
Oh, you're with that foundation.
Sorry to interrupt.
I didn't know we were doing one of these today.
Oh, yeah.
We're doing it, baby.
We need to hurry this up.
I'm gonna die.
I can't take it much longer.
I'll start bringing people in.
They'll love it.
- Hang in there, sweetie.
- I'll try.
- Miss Bethany? What are you doing? - Oh.
I'm sleepwalking? I'd hate to call you a liar.
Please don't make me do it.
I think Emily is planning to give me one of her kidneys, and I can't let that happen.
I'm not worth it.
I'm afraid you don't get to decide what you're worth to other people.
Emily loves you enough to do this for you.
You're very lucky to have someone who loves you as much as you love them.
Oh, but if you are in fact sleepwalking, don't let anyone wake you up.
It's dangerous.
Miranda? The sleeves got wet, so they're starting to disintegrate.
You look beautiful.
Could you get my bonnet? I'm sorry.
I can't.
Why? We have We have to keep this strictly professional.
Oh, yeah, sickies! The fashion show's about to start, so get ready! 'Kay, bye.
I'm a woman.
And I'm proud of my period! Mom? Emily.
I know what you've been up to.
I know you don't want me to give you my kidney I accept.
Really? I accept your kidney, Emily, into my body.
Thank you.
Emily, I have the results from your blood test.
I'm sorry, you're not a match.
Okay, that's it for me.
I'll see you later.
- Actually, you have dialysis scheduled.
- So bossy.
Where's the doctor? I want to talk to the doctor.
He's stuck in the east wing.
Some girl's having a fashion show and all the halls are blocked.
Ladies and gentlemen.
Grab your loved ones and your wallets.
Because here she comes.
The most beautiful, talented human model to ever grace a runway, Miranda! Miranda wears a classic princess gown.
This elegant piece says, "Kiss me before the clock strikes 12:00.
" Anybody wanna buy a hat? It's only been used twice.
Only used twice.
Third time's a charm! It used to belong to Mrs.
Sadie Martinez, who recently passed.
Oh, my goodness! Miranda's outfit is a heart-stopper.
I'll see you in the ICU.
It's obvious Miranda has a model background.
She was trained by the best.
Yours truly.
- Ho.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Ho.
- Ho.
He.
Ha.
The five hes and hos.
The five hes and hos from the beautiful Miranda! Oh, no.
The boss lady is here.
Impress your staff with this smart look for the office.
You're fired! If you're fired, I guess you'll need new interview clothes.
I'm docking your pay! Oh! You got docked pay? Good thing these outfits are cheap.
Do you want to look like a young, female Abraham Lincoln who flies? Alakazam! Alakazoo! Is she Uncle Sam or Presto the Magician? Who knows? It's one outfit for the price of two outfits.
I'm a magician.
Now I'm Abraham Lincoln! Just a gentle reminder, all these looks are for sale.
Our helpful sales team will come to you.
Sir, we need to get through.
She's ten centimeters! I don't care how tall she is.
No one gets through until the show's over.
Aloha! Oh, there's Miranda sporting a delightful beach look.
Looks like she's ready to curl up with a naughty summer read.
You go, girl.
Sir, get out of the way! This is not a good time.
The finale is about to start! Would you please be quiet? We need a doctor! Oh, for goodness sake! Excuse me, please.
I need to get through.
Congratulations! It's a girl! No.
I'm holding her backwards.
She's a boy.
Are you a doctor? No.
I'm not even allowed in this hospital.
All right, everybody, get ready for the finale! We're about to have a party.
It's gonna be fun! I wanna see you get up out of your seat.
Get up and dance! Hello! Get Fine, I'll just push you.
Look how much fun we're having dancing.
I come home in the morning light My mother says When you gonna live your life right Oh, daddy dear We're not the fortunate ones And girls, they wanna have fun Oh, girls just want to have fun Whoo-hoo! Air guitar! Everybody, this way! Hey, everybody, watch this! I'm gonna do a stage dive! Oh, it's very high.
What a cool stage dive! What's wrong with you? Can't you see what you're doing? Of course you can't.
You don't even notice your own mother dying in front of you.
I thought Mom was getting better.
She needs a kidney.
And you're walking around with toilet paper on your head! Your need for constant attention isn't just embarrassing anymore.
You're literally hurting people! I'm not done.
Where are you going? To give Mom a kidney.
You're gonna have a famous organ inside of you, Mom.
You lucky duck.
My tummy hurts.
Oh, look who it is.
Patrick Mooney! - How are you feeling? - I am feeling very floaty.
Miranda Oh, don't you worry, Mr.
Business Man.
I know you wanna keep things strictly professional.
I get it.
You don't want me anymore.
I wouldn't want me either.
Look at me.
The funny thing is, is that I love you but you don't love me, so that's awkward.
Once my kidney grows back, maybe Excuse me.
I'm sorry.
The smell of vomit makes me vomit.
Uh, what are you doing? Brush your teeth.
You just barfed.
That's freaking gross.
Ah, you got it on me! Watch where you barf next time, Patrick.
Ow! Ow.
Jim! Jim What? You expect me to nap on the couch like an animal? I'm exhausted.
You're awake.
How are you feeling? Oh, I feel fine.
I'm a little gassy from lunch, but that's to be expected.
Right? I didn't know you two were a couple.
I thought you were brother and sister.
- No.
No - No We're We are not related.
We're not a couple.
We just share a bed.
We sleep together.
- That's it.
- Well Well, you'd make a cute couple.
Hello.