Helluva Boss (2019) s02e04 Episode Script

(fancy cafe music playing)
(siiiiips)
Stolas.
Stella.
(siiiiips)
(siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiips)
C U Next Tuesday.
Witch.
Auuuugh!
FUCKISH. IMP. SUCKER!
Why did you insist on meeting me here?
Aaahem! We wanted to properly discuss the terms of this divorce.
I feel my darling sister deserves a bit more compensation.
After all, you did CHEAT on the poor thing. Surely you owe
Andrealphus, cheating implies there was a betrayal.
This woman never gave two shits about me or our very much arranged marriage.
As far as I'm concerned, this divorce is far overdue.
[Suspenseful music]
Up yours!
Stellaaaa, for fucks sake, stop making this harder to bullshit!
(Breaking glass)
[sinister music]
[Gunshots]
Hyaaaagh!
Oh dear this is worrisome
[Bird Ringtone]
Oh shit. Stolas!
It's really not a good time buddy
Stolas: I'm sorry it's a bad time yet again Blitzy but um
I seem to have found myself in a bit of a sitch.
I'm tied to the back of a horse at the moment
Pffft lucky bitch
Stolas: Um, well no, rather unlucky
Stolas: I seem to have been stolen by that little cowboy friend of yours
Ohh, which one?
How many cowboys do you know? (to stolas) What does he look like your highness?
[Western musical sting]
mmm Sexy?
That's Striker sir!
Oh for fucks sake! Can't you just get away? Arent you powerful?
I believe he has me bound with blessed rope, which limits my ability to free myself I'm afraid.
So, I think you should come save me.
Oh shit Stolas, I can't today alright? I'm sorry.
I-I'm literally on my way to take Loona in for her very important Hellbies S. H. O. T.
It takes years to book an appointment at this place, it took five to get this one.
and she's been doing a lot of field work so you know, she needs it
Oh, ha ha, well I do agree that is very important but I-
Striker: Would you shut up already? I can hear you by the way.
Don't worry about your lanky birdy He's in good hands.
Striker: (evil laughter)
Oh shit
Am I in danger right now?
Gaaagh Damn it
MILLIE: Sir, let me an Moxxie handle this one.
Okay, are you two sure you've got this alone?
We can do it sir, together we are a lethal combo
And we both have a score to settle with that dickhead
Alright, well hurry. Stolas sounds like he might be in real shit this time.
And knowing THAT guys aesthetic, my money's that he's in Wrath.
Now get your asses down there and look for some cowboy crap or something
Come on Loonie, come on this'll be over lickity split alright?
Christ on a stick! Of all the days for him to get his stupid feathered ass kidnapped-
I have waited five fucking years for this appointment!
FUCK ME IN MY LITTLE RED HOLE!!!
Hi. The fuck you looking at?
Heya toots, I'm here for that S. H. O. T. for my Loonie Toonie
(laughs)
The what?
Ugh, the B. U. L. L. SHIT that my daughter has to get every year that you -
M. O. T. H. E. R. FUCKERS only allow us to schedule every five years
How the fuck you fuck up that bad anyway Titty Haver?
Oh I can't spell
I can't read either
The fucking Hellbies shot you fucking reeeeeeee-
-eeeeeeally can't say that word anymore.
The appointment is under Blitz
uuuuuuuhm, I don't see any Blitz on the list
With and "O" it's silent you fucking-
OH! an "O" right here yep, yep.
Blitzooooo, Blitzoooo
Yes well, we will be ready for her in just a bit. Please take a seat Mr. "O"
Perf
(Dog whimpering)
Oh don't worry Loonie. It's okay, It's just one little prick, you wont feel it.
Ew, don't say that, it sounds vulgar.
Excuse me?
Pervert!
[Striker's Theme Song begins]
Lyrics: "He's galloping over the dusty planes"
"Even the cacti know his name"
"If you don't want to die don't cross his path"
"The best assassin in the ring of Wrath"
"He's Striker! He's Striker"
"Sure shootin, darn tootin, his name is Striker"
"Gonna bring that bird back to his lair"
"With his magic rope and his western flair"
"He's very good at causing pain"
"And he loves to ride on the choo choo-"
"Dirty dealin"
"Prince stealin"
"He's a villain"
"Striker!"
"He's fast and strong and tall and mean"
"The foulest imp you've ever seen"
"He'll break your bones to hear 'em crunch"
"He like's to eat Pâté for lunch"
"He's Strik-"
"Striiikeeeeeer"
"ohhhmmm yeah yeaaaeeeyaaa
"He's Strike her"
"heeeee's stryiiiker, he's-"
SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!
I'M TRYING TO DO MY FUCKING JOB-
YOU COMIN IN HERE SINGING ABOUT ME FOR THE-
MILLIONTH!
FUCKING!
TIME!!!
LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE YOU FREAKS!!!
How does one get their own theme song?
Soooo, nice weather we're having huh?
Look mommy! They let fire toads in here!
The fuck did you just call me?
Mother: It's not polite to call them that to their face honey-
wait until we're in the car
You got a problem with me C. U. next tuesday?
(Gasps)
There is a child present you filthy Wrathian
Oh I am not from Wrath bitch
Also, my kids here too, and I dont think she would appreciate you calling her father
"Things"
Is there any way we can reschedule for a time when less of the unemployed rabble are out
Oh please, I bet the hardest work you've ever done is convincing your husband that little shits his.
Oh yeah, and what do you do that's SO important
Me? Oh I kill people-
How does a two for one special sound whore?
Moxxie: Crumbs!
I'll grab the gas Millie, go and see if anyone's seen Striker anywhere.
Biker: Hey queer boy!
You stealin my hat?
What?
Same hat.
Oh sorry. My wife just just put this hat on my head
You know, because it was hot outside
Saaame. Haaat.
(sighs) So we're doing this, huh?
MILLIE: Howdy boys!
Y'all seen this mother fucker riding around here?
(Singing) He's galloping-
NO NO! No singing just a yes or no please.
Yeah, he lives out by the bad man lands, in the old train tunnel, near the mine shafts.
Very outlaw aesthetic, ya cant miss it.
Thank you kindly
Come on Moxx! We got a lead!
Stolas: So, my wife paid you for this hmm?
Wouldn't a holy bullet have sufficed?
Or could you not afford those?
I was paid to give you the real royal treatment
Your wife must really hate you (laughs)
You have no idea-
- So train tracks really?
Seems a bit cliché doesn't it?
Its a classic.
Is the giant statue of yourself also a classic or
(Irritated hissing)
Heh, are you seriously judging me right now? Stolas: I'm just impressed you seem to want to suck your own dick this badly.
Look, not every ring is some fancy ass city, with some fancy ass mansion- -that only fancy ass royals get to live in.
Some of us have hard lives to live
And some of us have everything we care about taken away by fuckers like you.
I have no-
Aaagh!
Aaaah
Striker: YOU don't get to talk over me
I don't have to listen to your bullshit
All you royals every do is try to talk over us
Don't bother trying your little eye trick on me
Those ropes aint gonna let you do anything
Got something to say about that your-
HIGHNESS!
Well, you seem to be forgetting-
-You are working for a royal
Right-
NOW!
[Bones breaking]
Blitz handles me rougher than that in bed nice try
Blitzy's knife is bigger, and hits sooo much deeeeper
Striker: Being a smartass hmm?
Cause once I split your neck open and let you choke on your own blue blood
You won't be worth any more than the tombstone you'll be buried under
Blitzy says far dirtier things to me with much sharper objects at my throat.
(deep breath)
Welcome Bingo! And this-
-must be Tuna
Loona, yeah, and you can hurry up please.
She's isn't a fan of shots, so lets try to make this quick, for all of our sakes
Oh come now, it can't be that bad
I see hellhounds every day and there hasn't been ONE thats caused any issue.
(Growls)
Yep right there, told ya dipshit.
Andrealphus: So earlier
that assassin
Was that you?
mmm guiltyyyyy!
Yeeeees it waaas
You silly minx, you. (laughs)
Though, you know
If your husband dies, it wont turn out well for you
He'll be dead! Why wouldn't it?
Because my dear sister, you've already produced an heir.
when he dies, his duties, his possessions, his legions, it will all pass to
Via
Soooo, if you kill him you would?
Laugh?
HA!
NO YOU STUPID COW! YOU'D GET NOTHING!
Ugh, you're SO lucky you're attractive
Agh! Well what do you propose we do? He wont leave me anything willingly-
-he hates me almost as much as I hate him
Hmm, well this kind of situation is extremely unique.
A Goetia has never behaved like this before
But with him alive, we have options, opportunities Eternity is a long time my dear
I say we bide our time, and wait for the chance to gain the upper hand.
Ooooh, but I want him dead so badly!
And he will be, in time, my fiery vixen
But patience first.
Now call off your mangy stray
Uuugh!
Striker: Well this has been fun
but every good thing has to come to an end.
Shame you won't see your kid again
Don't you dare breath a word about my daughter
Oooh Finally hit a nerve huh?
I swear if you go near her I will destroy you
Big talk
But just that any last words Goetia?
Blitz will
That rodeo clown told you he aint coming
Nobody is coming-
[Phone rings]
Yello?
Stella: Change of plans darling, I need the prick alive.
I'm kinda in the middle of killin him
Stella: Well stop it-
- we need him alive to get some affairs in order
Stella: I will pay you more to spare him and bring him to us
Uuugh
Yes ma'am
Stella: Glorious!
Well good news for you feathers
Your royal C. U. next tuesday says she don't want you dead no more.
buuuut she didn't say what condition you had to be in.
I think these reds might be a pretty trophy
Can't have you seeing me again can we?
[Car horn blares in the distance]
[Country fight song begins playing]
[Music changes to bubblegum pop]
Blitz: OW sorry!
[pop song ends, dramatic score begins]
(Feral Howl)
Striker: Oh I remember how easy you are to choke the life out of little one
Moxxie: Ooooh
Harder
You cowboy PIECE OF SHIT!!!
Moxxie: Fuck
Oh Crumbs! we have to get him to a hospital!
Blitz: Oh good, you guys actually managed to-
Ugh!
[Soft Piano]
Moxxie: Uh, sir are you okay?
Oh peachy, yeah no, todays been wonderful
What the fuck was that about
Millie: Stolas got hurt bad
Stolas got what?
How?
He can get HURT?
[Somber music begins playing]
[Monitors beeping]
[Phone vibrating]