Hogan's Heroes (1965) s02e04 Episode Script

ANNOUNCER: CBS presents this program in color.
( theme song playing ) ALL: sieben, acht, neun, zehn, elf, zwölf dreizehn Schultz, why don't you take off your shoes and socks? You're running out of fingers.
Mmm, don't confuse me.
Hey, Schultz, why don't you count our legs and divide by two? Quiet! Colonel Hogan, there's a prisoner missing.
Impossible.
Mm.
Would I lie to you about a thing like this? Oh, you would lie to me, but not the other way.
There he is! Where have you been? Nothing is more important than roll call! What kept you? I was getting a message from London on our secret radio.
Well, as long as you have a good excuse.
( chuckles ) Secret radio in a POW camp Impossible.
Now he tells me.
Jolly joker.
He really does have a radio, Schultz.
And you are another one.
I did get a message from London, Colonel.
Urgent? Very.
They're gonna airdrop a man tonight at Code name Hercules.
What are the orders? Pick him up and bring him into camp.
He'll tell us what to do.
Sounds like a big one.
You and Newkirk go out through the emergency tunnel tonight and get him.
Right.
We'll take care of it.
SCHULTZ: Achtung! Report! Herr Kommandant, all present and accounted for.
Good.
Now, men, I have a very important announcement to make.
Hey, they're gonna surrender.
Smart move! Hey, the Krauts are gonna surrender.
Who told you? I just heard it.
( cheering ) Yay, the Krauts are surrendering.
Colonel Hogan, control your men.
Oh, I can't, sir.
The news of your surrender is Who said anything about a surrender? You did, sir.
When? Just now.
You used the word yourself.
Only to deny it.
Well, it had to start somewhere.
Silence! Okay, men, the surrender's off! ( men groaning ) What a shame.
Now, I've just had word that General Stauffen of the Führer's headquarters will personally inspect Stalag 13.
I expect every prisoner in this camp to clean up and look neat.
Can't do it.
Somebody stole me mascara brush.
( laughing uproariously ) All right, pipe down.
Undoubtedly the Führer has heard of the excellent work that I'm doing here, and General Stauffen's visit may result in a citation for Stalag 13.
So we will all be on our best behavior.
Anyone who does not measure up will suffer dire consequences.
Are there any questions? Would you like to reconsider and surrender after all? ( prisoners laughing ) Who said that? Schultz, get that man's name and put him on report.
Dismissed.
How's it look, Colonel? The dogs are outside the wire.
That's lovely, that is.
Klink isn't taking any chances on an escape before the Kraut general arrives.
All right, down periscope.
LeBeau.
Yes.
Go out with Newkirk and Kinch.
Keep the dogs busy until they get away.
Right, Colonel.
Good luck.
So far so good.
( dog barking ) NEWKIRK: Forget it.
Here's old Donder and Blitzen.
All right.
Easy now.
( dogs whining ) Quiet down.
Sit.
Good boy.
Good boy.
Problem is we don't smell the same way the guards smell.
( speaking French ) What did you say to them? I promised to introduce them to Lassie after the war.
All right, you can go now.
Good luck.
Good luck.
( whimpering ) Shh.
Hey, shh.
Shh.
Hey, hey.
Hey There they are.
Start the signal.
They got the plane! Let's go.
Hercules? Right.
You chaps Stalag 13? We are.
Welcome to Kraut Land.
( groaning ) Easy.
He's wounded.
Yeah, it must have been the flak when they brought the plane down.
Let's get this off.
Careful.
Loaded.
Explosives.
Can you walk, mate? Negative.
Sorry.
How is he? He's badly wounded, Colonel.
Got caught in a burst of flak, sir.
The plane went down.
Carter, get a medic on the double.
Put him in my office.
Take it easy.
Right.
Right.
Easy.
Yeah, I will.
We had to stop and let him rest on the way back, sir.
When he was conscious, he talked.
Yeah.
Before he passed out, he told us this General Stauffen is part of a gang of German brass that's getting ready to assassinate Hitler.
The general got in touch with the underground and asked for a special type of bomb, delayed action.
And this is it.
False bottom and sides.
And it's loaded with a new, lightweight explosive.
The timer is in the latch, right here.
When you use the bottom slot, the timer is activated.
NEWKIRK: ( snaps fingers ) up she goes.
Stauffen has a duplicate of this briefcase, huh? KINCH: Right.
Hercules mission is to get this to us so the bags can be switched when the general gets here.
And Stauffen's using his position on the Führer's staff to arrange this inspection trip so he can pick up the bomb.
That's about the size of it, Colonel.
He was most likely dead when you brought him in.
He tried to bring him around, Colonel.
This lousy war.
It's a mug's game, I'll tell you that.
A filthy, rotten mug's game.
Nothing could have saved him, Colonel.
Never had a chance.
Okay, Sergeant.
Wish I could have done more.
HOGAN: Kinch, get in touch with London.
Tell them what happened.
Make sure they understand that Hercules completed his mission.
Right.
This plan better work.
It's already got an expensive price tag on it.
SCHULTZ: Achtung! KLINK: Welcome to Stalag 13, General Stauffen.
This is indeed a great honor.
On behalf of my command I wish to say at this Thank you, Colonel.
My aide, Major Gunther.
Major, welcome to Stalag 13.
This is indeed a great honor to be your host also.
At this time, I wish to say That American officer-- your opposite number? The senior POW officer.
Now, if you wish to step this way, General, I would like Major, I would like to talk to that man.
At once, General.
General Stauffen's compliments, Colonel Hogan.
Colonel Robert Hogan.
Colonel.
United States Army Air Force.
Colonel Hogan, I mean.
Not you, General Stauffen.
Very helpful bit of information, Klink.
Perhaps you could arrange for Colonel Hogan to join us later for a little talk.
I'm always curious about the other side.
Yes, General.
Hogan, you're invited to join General Stauffen and his aide, and you are hereby ordered to do so.
Well, Colonel? Only a man as strong as Hercules could turn down such a gracious invitation.
Schultz.
Come here.
( rhythmic clicking ) NEWKIRK: Place your bets, gentlemen.
There's a big winner each and every time.
Pick any number you like.
If you don't see one you love, we'll make one up for you.
What's going on here? Gambling?! No, actually, it's a prayer meeting, and you're just in time, Schultz.
Just in time, Schultz.
Just take a look at Aha! The lucky winner is one-- eins.
Pays three to Well ooh, blimey, you're on a streak.
Three to one.
There you are.
Tell your friends where you got it.
Better luck next time.
Newkirk.
He's a new customer.
Oh, well, then listen.
This is your chance to send money home to friends, help beat the wartime inflation.
So Churchill says to King George, "If I were you, sir, I think I'd put Canada in your wife's name.
" ( all laughing ) Very good, Colonel Hogan.
Gentlemen, a speedy end to the war.
Yeah.
Prosit.
Prosit.
Better luck next time.
Oh, you think there will be a next time.
You started the last three, why get off a losing streak? That's very funny, Colonel Hogan.
GUNTHER: The general is not amused, Colonel.
He is not amused.
I am not amused either.
You will confine yourself to noncontroversial remarks, Colonel Hogan.
Oh, I struck a nerve.
The wheel of fortune turns and round and round she goes and where she stops, nobody knows.
SCHULTZ: I know where she stops-- at somebody else's number.
It is 12! Number 12! I just wanted to pick the number 12! What are you doing? Oh, hi.
Guten Abend.
What are you doing outside your barracks? Oh, I-I'm looking for Felix.
I-I guess he ran away.
GUARD: What? CARTER: Felix.
My pet mouse.
Everybody knows Felix.
You know, he-he's about this big.
Has a nice little smile.
Except when cats are around, of course.
Get back in the barracks or I will report you.
CARTER: And leave Felix out here alone? There are dogs roaming around, and they double as cats in wartime.
GUARD: Into the barracks.
Are you married? Yeah, why? Got any children? Two.
Then you know how I feel.
Come on, be a pal.
Let me use your flashlight for a minute.
Thanks.
Here, Felix.
Here, boy.
Here, fella.
Here, Felix.
Boy, isn't it just like a mouse? Here, Felix.
Felix, come here.
Ten! Lucky ten and it pays three to one and who's on it? I have number nine.
Just one number away from the winner.
I should get something for that.
Complaint department's on the roof.
Take the elevator.
Never gamble! You know, Schultz, man cannot live by war alone.
Stop philosophizing and give me a winner.
Your wish is my command.
Now, come on, you're all going to get lucky.
Come on, spin away now, everybody going.
You talk too much, that's what.
And my little girl, Johanna-- she's already seven years old.
Really? That's nice.
I don't know how old Felix is.
Come to think of it, I don't even know if Felix is a Felix.
Could be a Louise.
Could be a Mary.
It doesn't really matter.
Except to him, of course.
Watch it.
Ready? It's a little warm in here, isn't it? You Americans apparently have no capacity for brandy.
( laughing ) I'm a buttermilk man myself.
What's happening? STAUFFEN: What what happened? Ah! This is much better, sir.
Yes, indeed.
Any idea what caused it? General, we hardly ever have any electrical failure here at Stalag 13.
That's right, General.
And the commandant is on top of every snafu instantly.
Like a vulture swooping down on its prey.
Commendable.
He's dying to investigate the cause of the blackout right now.
I am? Yes, sir, I am.
Well, in that case, go ahead.
General, General, you are you are my guest.
This gathering is in your honor.
Don't be bashful.
Of course not.
No, really, I-I I was just about to excuse myself, sir.
You're excused.
Major, perhaps you can be of assistance to Colonel Klink.
Jawohl, Herr General.
Thank you, sir.
Thank you.
You are excused.
We made the switch during the blackout.
You are very resourceful, Colonel.
Yeah.
This bottom latch activates the timer.
Once it starts, you've got exactly to get away.
I understand.
is all I will need.
This little caper of yours better come off.
We lost a man to give you what you asked for.
Don't worry.
We are determined to destroy this fool at any cost.
I know who the fool is.
Who's "we"? The greatest military minds Germany has ever produced.
He dares call himself Supreme Commander.
But we'll put him out of business, I promise you.
It's the least you can do, considering.
Considering what? You're the same bunch of guys that put him in business.
STAUFFEN: And, in consideration to your devotion to the aims of the Third Reich, your efficient administration, and because there has never been an escape from Stalag 13, I have the honor to represent our beloved Führer and award you the Citation of Merit Second Class.
Rah! Rah! Rah! Bravo.
Schultz, I really think you're proud of him.
Proud? ( sniffles ) Are you a doctor or something? The expression on your face.
I lost 50 bucks last night.
Thank you, General Stauffen.
I want to thank you for this great honor.
We here at Stalag 13 will try to be worthy of it and merit the Führer's confidence in us.
I can assure you, General Stauffen, that no one will ever escape from Stalag 13.
( clears throat ) Now As I look about the beautiful grounds of our beloved Stalag, I Thank you, Colonel Klink.
I am afraid now I must be off.
Oh, I had hoped that the general would reconsider and have lunch with us.
You know, our chef makes a most wonderful apple strudel.
No, no.
The general is expected at a strategy meeting with the Führer and the High Command.
Ja, ja.
Of course, then the general must go.
I understand.
Yes.
Well, so glad you could see it that way.
Yes, sir.
Thank you.
Schultz! Luggage.
Luggage! Hey, Colonel, did you see that? What happened? Schultz-- he picked up the briefcase.
He activated the timer.
You sure? No question about it, Colonel.
One of those generals is missing and doesn't even know it yet.
Does Stauffen know it happened? No.
I don't think he saw it.
That means we've got slightly less than 30 minutes.
What do we do? Carter, LeBeau, get lost.
Disappear.
Where? Get over to the motor pool.
Wait for me there, and keep out of sight.
Right.
I'll take that one myself.
Jawohl, Herr General.
Well, Hogan, another great day at Stalag 13.
Sir, I have some bad news for you.
Two of my men are missing-- obviously an escape.
Well, on a day like this, we can What? They slipped out during the formation.
Nasty of them to take advantage that way.
Hogan, this is a catastrophe! Schultz, didn't you count? Herr Herr Kommandant, they were all present before the ceremony.
You fool.
You should have counted during the ceremony.
Herr Kommandant, but I I I Shut up! Hogan, it's not like you to report escaped prisoners.
I realize that, sir, But, after all, this is your big day.
They would never take away your medal, would they? Take away my citation? Just because a couple of prisoners escaped? If only General Stauffen hadn't said there's never been an escape from Stalag 13.
What can be done about it? Roadblocks.
Clever.
Schultz, see to it that guards are notified at all checkpoints.
I want roadblocks in a radius of Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
And have my car ready.
I will see to it personally that everything is in order.
Wrong.
If the commandant of the toughest POW camp in all of Germany is see flying around the roads, word is going to get back to Berlin, and fast.
You're right, Hogan.
I'll send Schultz.
And, with your permission, I'll go along.
Why? To protect my men.
Schultz is a little trigger-happy at times.
Me? Only under tension.
You have my word.
I won't try to escape.
All right, Hogan.
Permission granted.
Thank you, sir.
( speaking German ) ( whistling ) All right, look.
We've got exactly 18 minutes before that briefcase blows up.
Can we make it? An outside chance if the general hasn't gotten past the roadblock.
Get in.
What are we doing? Questions.
Always questions.
What's the idea? You're escaping, remember? Lie down.
Colonel Hogan, are you ready to? What are you doing? Just checking the spare tire, Schultz.
We've got two of them.
Let's go.
This is General Stauffen of the Führer's staff.
I'm sorry, Herr Major, I have my orders.
Orders from whom? Colonel Klink, Kommandant of Stalag 13.
I thought I was rid of that fool.
General Stauffen, I thought you were on your way to Berchtesgaden.
I was.
This idiot says he has some orders to stop all cars.
Herr General, there was an escape from Stalag 13.
Two of the prisoners walked out on those beautiful ceremonies.
I was tempted myself.
You have carried out your orders.
Now I order you to allow us to proceed.
I cannot, Herr Major.
If I were you, I'd let him search the car, Major.
What? Search a general's car? It's unheard of.
Fantastic! Terrible! What is Klink thinking about? I'm awfully sorry, Herr General.
But, you know, Kommandant Klink is But he knows that Okay, let's go.
Look, you've got exactly four minutes before this whole section of Germany goes up in smoke.
Get up into the woods.
Come around by the barrier.
Get going.
Right.
( arguing continues ) Herr General, I know nothing! Nothing! If you do not allow us to proceed at once, I will have you arrested! You tell him, Major.
I will be late for my appointment with the Führer.
Can't have that, can we? Herr General, a terrible thing has happened.
CARTER: Hey, Schultz! LeBEAU: Over here, Schultz! You know, in Stalag 13 You know, in Stalag 13 there has never been an escape.
And Kommandant Klink is always very Come on! We give up, Schultz! There they are! The prisoners! Arrest them! Nothing to it.
Don't shoot.
We're not armed! We're not armed! We give up-- don't shoot us.
Who is shooting? Come on! Come! All right, all right, into the truck! All right, all right.
We were almost in Switzerland.
Jolly jokers! Everything is clear, General.
I think we may proceed.
Very well.
Hogan, you saved my life, and our cause.
How can I thank you? When you see Hitler, make sure the meeting goes over with a bang.
and that's final! Aw, come on, Commandant, be reasonable.
But they tried to escape.
And I got them back for you.
You owe me something for that.
What do you want? You got your medal.
Now you're a big man.
Now? Bigger that you were.
He is a big man, isn't he? Oh, yes, sir, very big.
Yes, sir.
You're the biggest.
All right.
I will reduce the punishment to ten days.
Without Recreation Hall privileges.
Thank you, sir.
Thank you, sir.
If you try once more to Herr Kommandant, excuse me, please.
A dispatch from Berlin.
Ooh, a hot one.
Donnerwetter! An attempt to kill the Führer! A time bomb! Terrible! Who would do a thing like that? I don't know! Well, I don't know.
Carter, do you know who would do a think like that? No, I don't.
LeBeau, do you know who would do a thing like that? No.
Who would do a thing like that? I have no idea.
Who would do a thing? Oh, I asked you already.
Once more around, we'll quit.
Carter Dismissed! Jawohl!