Hollywood Darlings (2017) s02e04 Episode Script
The NILF
1 A Pop original series.
Scout! Ugh.
Thank you so much for taking care of the kids.
I'm all done now, so you are off the hook.
Oh, good, I can go to my goat yoga class.
Yes, absolutely.
How were the kids? Were they good? They were excellent.
Okay, and they were nice to one another? Totally nice to each other.
You have incredible kids, Mrs.
Mitchell.
Aww.
Call me Bev.
Don't be so formal.
And by the way, this dress is so cute.
Oh, thank you.
It's super easy, to be honest.
- And very flattering.
- Oh, gosh, thanks.
Excuse me.
Sorry to interrupt, but, um, I feel like I've seen you on TV or in a movie or something.
I get that a lot.
I was on a show called "7th Heaven.
" Oh, no, I-I know "7th Heaven," but how about you? Uh yeah.
Yes, you have.
Wait a second.
Wait, you act? I had no idea.
Have I seen you in anything? Well, I used to do porn.
[irreverent music.]
But now I'm a nanny.
Oh, uh, well, no, that-that uh, that my mistake.
Uh honey.
Coming.
I mean, I'm not com I'm on my way.
See ya.
Yeah, I'm-I'm sorry.
Did-did you say porn? - Porn.
Yeah, loads of it.
- Oh! That's why I love working for you.
'Cause it's like, oh, I remember that, when you have, like, a last-minute meeting or you have to go to a fitting.
I didn't honestly wear a lot of clothes in my line of work, but it was kind of a similar It's just fun to reminisce.
- Totally.
Totally.
- Yeah.
Well, I-I don't want you to miss your goat yoga.
- Okay, well, call me anytime.
- I'll call you later.
- Okay.
- Okay.
- Bye.
- Bye, Scout.
Whoa, that skirt is short.
[upbeat electronic music.]
You think you're rock and roll You think you're rock and roll I did not sleep well.
I was up all night stressing.
Zoe got a B- on her math homework.
Well, B-, that's not bad, and she's only in elementary school.
Yeah, except I did the homework, and I have a bachelor's degree.
- Oh - This is math.
Who thought fourth grade math was so hard? I mean, who the fuck knows how to do fractions anyway? Well, maybe next time, you just let Zoe do her homework.
Yeah, that's not gonna happen, all right? She's got a big project coming up, and she has no time.
I gotta make up for this B-.
I'll never hear the end of it.
Oh! I didn't even tell you! I just found out that my nanny she used to do porn! - Really? - Yeah! - How'd you find that out? - Oh, God.
We were at the park with the kids, and some dad recognized her and came up to us.
Apparently, she's really open about it.
I mean, her name used to be Gypsy Applestain.
- Oh, wow.
- Oh, wow.
Yeah.
- That's amazing.
- No! You of all people with a porn nanny? - Don't say that! - It's great, Bev.
But Gypsy Applestain? I mean, that's a weird name.
My name would've been Lee-Ann Pepperwood.
That's my porn name.
You know, where you do the thing where you take your middle name and add it to the name of the first street you lived on.
Ann Priscilla.
That's not a porn name, Bev.
That's like a advice columnist.
Another reason why I would make a very bad porn star.
Now I just don't know what to do.
I mean, she's great with the kids, but I just can't look at her the same, and I can't fire her, so what do I No, no, you definitely can't fire her.
I mean, that's, like, antifeminist and slut shaming.
What if you got somebody else to hire her? Hmm.
I mean, she is a good nanny.
Hey, guys.
Sorry I'm late.
I tried to drop Georgia off at preschool, and she just was not having it.
I'm gonna have to figure out something else.
God, we had this whole, like, weekend planned.
If I don't find a nanny soon, I'm gonna not have a social life.
[sighs.]
I wish I had your nanny, Bev.
She's awesome.
- Take her! - Oh.
Oh, no, I don't want to, like, nanny-steal.
No, no, no, uh, you know, the kids are now in school, and, you know, we don't we don't really need her.
You should tell her about what she did with that apple stain on your rug.
- The what? - Oh! Nothing, she's just she's really good with cleaning.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, she's a regular Hoover.
Oh, my God.
She sounds like a dream.
You're sure? - Totally.
- Bev, you are so generous.
You're such a good friend.
I'm gonna go tell Brandon.
Ooh, we're back on! Oh, man.
This is gonna be so fun to watch.
Kind of like your nanny's last porn.
- Christine is open.
- Yeah, so is your nanny.
[upbeat rock music.]
I'll show you a B-.
[croaks.]
[irreverent music.]
Hey, Scout.
How'd she do? Oh, my gosh, Georgia was a dream.
She fell asleep like that.
Aww, so sweet.
Well, thank you so much.
Oh, my gosh, please, my pleasure.
Go, enjoy your vacation.
Get out of here.
We will.
We'll see you early tomorrow.
Okay.
Take your time, guys.
Bye.
Bye.
I am so relieved.
Man, I have not felt this relaxed since I found those quaaludes in that jewelry box my grandmother left me.
[sighs.]
What do you say we have a little fun, huh? Oh, yeah.
What you got in mind? Maybe we, uh, watch a skin flick.
- Look at you! - Huh? Dirty bird.
Haven't done that in a while.
Yeah, let's pick a good one.
Oh, that one looks good.
It looks kind of classy but also completely not.
- A spaceship? - I think so.
Oh, no, the door's opening.
Look at that alien.
She's hot.
I come from a distant planet.
Take me to your leader - Wait a minute.
- so we can bone.
Is that Definitely something we should try, mm-hmm.
- No, no, no, is that Scout? - Who? Scout? The babysitter we were just talking to? No! Where? The one in the crotch-less alien costume? [funky music playing.]
[moaning.]
Oh, my God.
Oh, no, this is bad.
I mean, she's so good with Georgia, though.
She's a natural.
Oh, she's natural.
What're we gonna do? This is terrible.
I mean, she's Georgia's favorite sitter.
She's doing a great job of sitting on that guy's face.
I must say, she's very limber.
She's beyond limber.
She should be in the circus.
Hey, thanks for picking me up.
The car will be ready in an hour.
Okay, perfect.
How was the weekend? How did Georgia do? Georgia was great, we had a great time uh, although I have something to tell you.
Apparently, Scout used to do porn.
- What? - Yeah.
No way! Oh, my God.
You knew.
Beverley Mitchell, when you lie, your eyes bug out! Okay, fine, I'm sorry.
I can't believe you knew! Oh, and then you acted all generous and just tried to pawn her off on me.
You are really something.
I-I'm sorry, I mean, I was at the park, and this dad came up and recognized her from a porn, and I cannot have a porn star working in my house! I mean, I have a wholesome brand to protect.
What about my brand? Which is? Well, not porn! I know, I you know, I just I didn't know what to do, and I didn't want to just fire her because that just felt wrong.
I mean, I can't just punish her for her alternative lifestyle.
No, you're right.
She's a great nanny.
She is.
I mean, she got Georgia to sleep like that.
She bends over backwards for the kids.
Okay, between you and Brandon, it is like a euphemism nightmare up in here.
[coughs.]
Look, I'm just I'm just gonna keep her.
- You should.
- It's the right thing to do.
- It is.
- I mean, you know, she can't be punished just because she had, like, a, you know, a past My nose is so itchy.
Do you have, like, a tissue or a [irreverent music.]
What is this? Those dirty valets! Beverley, your eyes.
Oh! I was just I was just curious, and I found a very secure website.
They don't even use real names.
Whose name did you order this under? - Jodie Sweetin.
- Solid.
I-I just I was gonna send it back, and I just didn't want it in the house in case the kids found it.
This one actually looks like it has a good plot.
Wait a minute, how did you find out she did porn? Uh I heard.
Yeah, the-the mom blogs, you know them.
[groans.]
Chatting all the time.
They're nuts.
Hey, uh, I'm starving.
Let's go eat, huh? [clears throat.]
Salads? What're you thinking? Sandwiches? Thanks so much for coming in, Ms.
Sweetin.
I really want to talk to you about Zoe's "women in history" project.
It's pretty exceptional.
Well, Zoe is very intelligent.
I'm super proud of her.
I'm sorry, by exceptional, I mean unusual.
Odd.
Bad.
- What? What do you mean? - Honestly, I'm concerned.
Okay, the last two assignments of hers have been very poor, and it's been a very sudden change.
Have there been any dietary changes I should know about or any head injuries that could've significantly lowered her IQ? Because this is very different for her to miss the mark this severely.
I can't understand why she chose Katy Perry as the focal point for her "women in history" project.
Katy Perry? I mean, that's an obvious choice.
She is a modern feminist hero.
You know, have you heard the lyrics to "Firework" or "Roar"? I mean, she is practically leading a revolution.
That's more of a Taylor Swift thing.
- I see where we stand.
- Mm-hmm.
Look, Zoe wanted to be creative.
Okay, she-she didn't want to do some boring snooze-fest project on Susan B.
Anthony.
I mean, who needs another one of those, right? Just because Ms.
Anthony never had Twitter beef doesn't mean she's a snooze-fest, okay, and I don't know where any female great leaders or even Katy Perry for that matter would be without a little thing called women's suffrage, okay, but that's not the point.
The point is, the work is just sloppy.
Sloppy? Sloppy how? Run-on sentences, spelling errors I mean, she's misusing periods.
That thing lacks a thesis, and the accompanying diorama showed a serious lack of motor skills and hand-eye coordination.
I mean, it's terrifying.
Looks like an LSD nightmare.
Not that I would know.
I think you are mistaken, okay, that that is n-not a lack of anything.
That is an abundance of creativity.
I mean, look at that thing.
It's beautiful.
Have you been to MoCHA? Right? Have you seen some of the weird modern art stuff? I mean, this is a preview of what's to come.
I mean, she's she's going places.
I'm considering enrolling Zoe in a remedial class.
What? No! I think you're being a little bit reactionary here.
Okay, I mean, I don't think Zoe needs a remedial class.
Look, we'll just keep an eye on her for a few days, okay? Remedial's not that serious.
Maybe she just needs a little push in the right direction, a little bit of help, okay? Everything will be okay.
Okay.
You'll see, because she is gonna light up the sky like the Fourth of July, all right, so she's gonna be just fine.
I see what you're doing.
It's not helping.
[upbeat rock music.]
[doorbell chimes.]
I got a large, uh, extra-sausage.
Oh, I don't think we ordered a pizza.
[swanky rock music.]
I got a large.
Extra sausage.
We got a large sausage out here? - Oh! - Yeah, that's me.
- Sorry.
- Hey.
Thanks, man.
Sure, sure.
Oh, thanks.
- Hey, have a good life, huh? - [door shuts.]
[music intensifies.]
Ooh.
[guitar solo soaring.]
- Are you cold? - No, I'm okay.
You sure? Do you need a jacket or, like, a, I don't know, like, a Snuggie or a blanket or anything? Oh, no, that's so sweet of you.
I'm fine.
[music intensifies.]
[music stops.]
[irreverent music.]
- Christine? - Yeah? - Oh, hey.
- Hey.
How's the Where's Georgia? Oh, Scout's putting her down for a nap.
Oh.
How's it going? Not well, Bev.
This is all your fault! We're at the farmers market earlier, picking melons, and I practically had a panic attack.
I just, like, can't let her around fruit or something.
I don't know what I'm gonna do.
Okay, she is down.
Oh, hey, Bev, how are you? - Oh, I'm good! - How are the kids? Oh, they're great.
They miss you.
Oh, good, well, give 'em a hug for me.
I will.
Christine, I'm gonna head out, unless you need anything else.
Actually, yeah.
There-there's something I need to talk to you about.
Oh.
Here it comes.
What? You're gonna fire me because I used to do porn.
Oh, no! Oh, no! No, no, no, no.
You did porn? What? That's crazy! Never seen you in those.
I mean, not that I watch them a lot.
I was gonna fire you because we don't actually need the help that we thought we needed.
And I, just for the record, would never fire you because you did porn because that would be slut shaming.
I understand.
I mean, honestly, porn is the best job I've ever had.
Like, I only got into nanny-ing because I hit that weird porn dead zone.
You know, where it's like, you're too old to be a teen and you're too young to be a MILF.
There's just no roles for me anymore.
I get you on that.
It's like, one year, I stopped auditioning for "Girl Next Door," and the only things I did get auditions for were, like, "traffic cop" and "lady who leaves her job to open a bakery.
" Yeah, I-I-I guess we can we can kind of relate.
- You want to go back to porn? - Yeah.
I really do.
- We can help you with that.
- You would help me? Yes.
Are you kidding me? Your parts need to be out there for the public, not just, you know, trapped inside this little house.
Guys, I'm gonna go start stretching now.
- Okay! - Oh, this is great! Thanks, guys.
You got it.
You got it.
- How? - I'm not really sure.
Okay, look, ladies, I'm sorry.
No, I can't.
I-I just can't.
Look, I still think she can play a teen.
I mean, I-I played a teen till I was, like, 25.
Mm.
Yeah, just throw her hair in some pigtails and, you know, have her talk in a baby voice.
That's how I still get my kids meals.
You are adorable! But no.
Look, there's definitely a dead zone in porn, don't get me wrong, but that's the least of her problems.
She is a terrible actress.
Like, garbage.
- Wait, are you serious? - Yeah.
And that's a problem because Well, you see, that's a problem because this right here is filmmaking.
It's crazy, right? I thought the two of you, above anybody else, would understand the importance of acting in a film.
- Calm down, Sundance.
- Oh.
Aren't we just talking about "Butt-fucking Nuns 9"? That's a classic, all right? And without quality, my porn is smut.
The stigma that porn has about bad acting, listen, that's just a fallacy, all right? - Gross.
- Look, I take accountability for my scripts, all right? Do you think you just win AVN Awards if you can't make the audience believe that you just want to give that hand job? Yeah, it's like a "think the thought," you know? - I like that.
- We can help her with that.
You know, we can help her want to think the thoughts about giving the hand jobs.
We can help her think of the smut.
You know, think the thought, do the deeds.
Okay.
Cool.
If you think you can coach her and give her some lessons about how to be a good actor, then fine, I'll give her another shot.
Great, thank you.
Thank you.
- Sure.
- Thank you.
All right, don't let me down.
Oh, by the way, big fan.
Oh, just wait.
It's a trilogy.
- Gross.
Gross.
- Okay.
Let's go.
Gross, gross, gross, gross.
Do you need your parking validated? [upbeat rock music.]
So, Zoe's teacher said that he's gonna keep an eye on things for a few days but that he might put her in a remedial class.
You guys, I can't believe I fucked this up so badly.
Have you finally learned your lesson? Yes.
Yes, I will not be helping out with homework anymore.
I don't know, my mom helped me with my homework, and I turned out fine.
Point taken.
All right.
Let's get you ready for this audition.
Oh, great! Great.
Okay, well, why don't we run some lines? Do you have your sides? Okay.
[clears throat.]
Okay.
[irreverent music.]
Officer, I'm innocent.
I didn't see the sign.
Isn't there anything I can do to get off? Okay.
I think it's important to remember that this is not Scout thinking, this is this is Gypsy Applestein.
Applestain.
- Right.
- Okay.
Please, I can't go to jail! I'm innocent! I've never even been in detention.
Okay, look, I have never personally talked to a dick on camera, but I feel like you really need to give it backstory.
I don't really do backstory, unless they're paying extra.
Okay.
Maybe we just need to go back to basics.
You know? Start with some exercises.
Kegels.
Always useful, but not the ones I'm talking about.
Maybe some Meisner technique.
So you give me a line, I give you the line back, and we go back and forth like this.
One line.
- Okay.
- Try that.
- Uh, I'll use, "Do me.
" - Great.
Okay.
Phew.
Okay.
[shudders.]
Do me.
- Do me.
- Do me.
- Do me.
- Do me.
- Do me.
- Do me.
- Do me.
- Do me.
- Don't.
- Don't.
Look, how about this, picture the phallus coming towards your face.
- Yes.
- Okay.
Ah! No, less afraid.
[roaring.]
That is a wide girth on your mouth.
- Oh, okay.
- It's interesting.
- Yeah, that's a choice.
- Yeah.
[upbeat rock music.]
So there's good news and there's bad news.
The good news is, Zoe did great on her science homework last night, - and she got an A.
- I'm very relieved to hear that.
- See, she does not need to - Now, here's the bad news.
The bad news is, I've been a teacher for quite some time, so I know when parents are doing their children's work.
No! No, no, no.
I promise you.
That was all Zoe last night.
Look, I know you're a professional actress, but you're no Candace Cameron Bure.
Okay, I can see right through this performance, and I know acting, okay? I played Gaston at the Bakersfield Theatre.
I'm gonna be honest with you, all right, those other two assignments, those were me.
All right, I-I tried to do the first assignment and I got a bad grade, and so I wanted to do better on the second, and then it just did worse, and it all went south.
All right? But I promise you, last night was all Zoe.
That's ridiculous.
I mean, what kind of crazy person would do that? Me.
Me, I would do that.
I'll prove it to you.
[clock ticking.]
[upbeat rock music.]
Okay, enough.
Please, make it stop.
Make it stop.
Stop.
Okay.
I believe you.
You're right.
I mean, you're wrong, like, scary wrong.
How are you a functioning human person? - I have an iPhone.
- Okay, touché.
These are not life skills, okay? This is double-digit multiplication.
Who needs to know that? Physicists, cashiers, people paying rent, people calculating the probability of not ruining their daughter's life chances.
- Again, iPhone.
- Okay, look.
I'm gonna forget any of this happened.
I'm not gonna put Zoe in a remedial class.
All right? On one condition.
You promise to never, ever help her with her homework again.
Absolutely.
Lesson learned.
But the math, not so much.
[irreverent music.]
Auditions, am I right? Would you like a mint? Oh, we're not here for No, we're just here for support.
Yeah, but to be fair, if she'd had support, she probably wouldn't be in this business in the first place.
I mean, not that we're judging.
No, we would we would never judge.
We are the two least nonjudgmental people.
That's a double negative, but yes.
Guys, I did it! I got the part! - Oh, my God, that's great! - I got the part! Those mouth warmups you had me do were so helpful.
Oh, I know, right? "Red leather, yellow leather.
" Look it up, people.
So, when does it start? Well, there's just one condition.
- Action! - Patient 69.
Paging patient 69.
The doctor will see you now.
I am a receptionist.
I'm also a receptionist.
The doctor doesn't take insurance, so please feel free to tip her well.
Come into my office Daddy.
- Okay, cut.
- What? I just need more, like, "Is Dad coming home this Christmas?" - Oh, more daddy issues.
- Yes.
I don't think they clean these surfaces very well.
I wouldn't lick it, but, you know.
You're not gonna get an STD.
It's not really Why would you ever eat anything in here? I'm starving.
Did you see the craft service out there? There's, like, nothing on the table.
Something, I want you like a feral something feral.
- Okay.
- You got this look going on.
Just remind me what "feral" means.
I know I know, but I can't It's just like a wild cat that needs to be put down.
Like you're spraying everywhere.
You're just in heat.
You know, no one wants you.
- You've been thrown into a river - Come into my office, Daddy! Yes, just violent.
- Got it.
- Got it? I just don't think that's sanitary.
It was wrapped.
God, I'm gonna bathe in, like, a vat of hand sanitizer when I get home.
Scout! Ugh.
Thank you so much for taking care of the kids.
I'm all done now, so you are off the hook.
Oh, good, I can go to my goat yoga class.
Yes, absolutely.
How were the kids? Were they good? They were excellent.
Okay, and they were nice to one another? Totally nice to each other.
You have incredible kids, Mrs.
Mitchell.
Aww.
Call me Bev.
Don't be so formal.
And by the way, this dress is so cute.
Oh, thank you.
It's super easy, to be honest.
- And very flattering.
- Oh, gosh, thanks.
Excuse me.
Sorry to interrupt, but, um, I feel like I've seen you on TV or in a movie or something.
I get that a lot.
I was on a show called "7th Heaven.
" Oh, no, I-I know "7th Heaven," but how about you? Uh yeah.
Yes, you have.
Wait a second.
Wait, you act? I had no idea.
Have I seen you in anything? Well, I used to do porn.
[irreverent music.]
But now I'm a nanny.
Oh, uh, well, no, that-that uh, that my mistake.
Uh honey.
Coming.
I mean, I'm not com I'm on my way.
See ya.
Yeah, I'm-I'm sorry.
Did-did you say porn? - Porn.
Yeah, loads of it.
- Oh! That's why I love working for you.
'Cause it's like, oh, I remember that, when you have, like, a last-minute meeting or you have to go to a fitting.
I didn't honestly wear a lot of clothes in my line of work, but it was kind of a similar It's just fun to reminisce.
- Totally.
Totally.
- Yeah.
Well, I-I don't want you to miss your goat yoga.
- Okay, well, call me anytime.
- I'll call you later.
- Okay.
- Okay.
- Bye.
- Bye, Scout.
Whoa, that skirt is short.
[upbeat electronic music.]
You think you're rock and roll You think you're rock and roll I did not sleep well.
I was up all night stressing.
Zoe got a B- on her math homework.
Well, B-, that's not bad, and she's only in elementary school.
Yeah, except I did the homework, and I have a bachelor's degree.
- Oh - This is math.
Who thought fourth grade math was so hard? I mean, who the fuck knows how to do fractions anyway? Well, maybe next time, you just let Zoe do her homework.
Yeah, that's not gonna happen, all right? She's got a big project coming up, and she has no time.
I gotta make up for this B-.
I'll never hear the end of it.
Oh! I didn't even tell you! I just found out that my nanny she used to do porn! - Really? - Yeah! - How'd you find that out? - Oh, God.
We were at the park with the kids, and some dad recognized her and came up to us.
Apparently, she's really open about it.
I mean, her name used to be Gypsy Applestain.
- Oh, wow.
- Oh, wow.
Yeah.
- That's amazing.
- No! You of all people with a porn nanny? - Don't say that! - It's great, Bev.
But Gypsy Applestain? I mean, that's a weird name.
My name would've been Lee-Ann Pepperwood.
That's my porn name.
You know, where you do the thing where you take your middle name and add it to the name of the first street you lived on.
Ann Priscilla.
That's not a porn name, Bev.
That's like a advice columnist.
Another reason why I would make a very bad porn star.
Now I just don't know what to do.
I mean, she's great with the kids, but I just can't look at her the same, and I can't fire her, so what do I No, no, you definitely can't fire her.
I mean, that's, like, antifeminist and slut shaming.
What if you got somebody else to hire her? Hmm.
I mean, she is a good nanny.
Hey, guys.
Sorry I'm late.
I tried to drop Georgia off at preschool, and she just was not having it.
I'm gonna have to figure out something else.
God, we had this whole, like, weekend planned.
If I don't find a nanny soon, I'm gonna not have a social life.
[sighs.]
I wish I had your nanny, Bev.
She's awesome.
- Take her! - Oh.
Oh, no, I don't want to, like, nanny-steal.
No, no, no, uh, you know, the kids are now in school, and, you know, we don't we don't really need her.
You should tell her about what she did with that apple stain on your rug.
- The what? - Oh! Nothing, she's just she's really good with cleaning.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, she's a regular Hoover.
Oh, my God.
She sounds like a dream.
You're sure? - Totally.
- Bev, you are so generous.
You're such a good friend.
I'm gonna go tell Brandon.
Ooh, we're back on! Oh, man.
This is gonna be so fun to watch.
Kind of like your nanny's last porn.
- Christine is open.
- Yeah, so is your nanny.
[upbeat rock music.]
I'll show you a B-.
[croaks.]
[irreverent music.]
Hey, Scout.
How'd she do? Oh, my gosh, Georgia was a dream.
She fell asleep like that.
Aww, so sweet.
Well, thank you so much.
Oh, my gosh, please, my pleasure.
Go, enjoy your vacation.
Get out of here.
We will.
We'll see you early tomorrow.
Okay.
Take your time, guys.
Bye.
Bye.
I am so relieved.
Man, I have not felt this relaxed since I found those quaaludes in that jewelry box my grandmother left me.
[sighs.]
What do you say we have a little fun, huh? Oh, yeah.
What you got in mind? Maybe we, uh, watch a skin flick.
- Look at you! - Huh? Dirty bird.
Haven't done that in a while.
Yeah, let's pick a good one.
Oh, that one looks good.
It looks kind of classy but also completely not.
- A spaceship? - I think so.
Oh, no, the door's opening.
Look at that alien.
She's hot.
I come from a distant planet.
Take me to your leader - Wait a minute.
- so we can bone.
Is that Definitely something we should try, mm-hmm.
- No, no, no, is that Scout? - Who? Scout? The babysitter we were just talking to? No! Where? The one in the crotch-less alien costume? [funky music playing.]
[moaning.]
Oh, my God.
Oh, no, this is bad.
I mean, she's so good with Georgia, though.
She's a natural.
Oh, she's natural.
What're we gonna do? This is terrible.
I mean, she's Georgia's favorite sitter.
She's doing a great job of sitting on that guy's face.
I must say, she's very limber.
She's beyond limber.
She should be in the circus.
Hey, thanks for picking me up.
The car will be ready in an hour.
Okay, perfect.
How was the weekend? How did Georgia do? Georgia was great, we had a great time uh, although I have something to tell you.
Apparently, Scout used to do porn.
- What? - Yeah.
No way! Oh, my God.
You knew.
Beverley Mitchell, when you lie, your eyes bug out! Okay, fine, I'm sorry.
I can't believe you knew! Oh, and then you acted all generous and just tried to pawn her off on me.
You are really something.
I-I'm sorry, I mean, I was at the park, and this dad came up and recognized her from a porn, and I cannot have a porn star working in my house! I mean, I have a wholesome brand to protect.
What about my brand? Which is? Well, not porn! I know, I you know, I just I didn't know what to do, and I didn't want to just fire her because that just felt wrong.
I mean, I can't just punish her for her alternative lifestyle.
No, you're right.
She's a great nanny.
She is.
I mean, she got Georgia to sleep like that.
She bends over backwards for the kids.
Okay, between you and Brandon, it is like a euphemism nightmare up in here.
[coughs.]
Look, I'm just I'm just gonna keep her.
- You should.
- It's the right thing to do.
- It is.
- I mean, you know, she can't be punished just because she had, like, a, you know, a past My nose is so itchy.
Do you have, like, a tissue or a [irreverent music.]
What is this? Those dirty valets! Beverley, your eyes.
Oh! I was just I was just curious, and I found a very secure website.
They don't even use real names.
Whose name did you order this under? - Jodie Sweetin.
- Solid.
I-I just I was gonna send it back, and I just didn't want it in the house in case the kids found it.
This one actually looks like it has a good plot.
Wait a minute, how did you find out she did porn? Uh I heard.
Yeah, the-the mom blogs, you know them.
[groans.]
Chatting all the time.
They're nuts.
Hey, uh, I'm starving.
Let's go eat, huh? [clears throat.]
Salads? What're you thinking? Sandwiches? Thanks so much for coming in, Ms.
Sweetin.
I really want to talk to you about Zoe's "women in history" project.
It's pretty exceptional.
Well, Zoe is very intelligent.
I'm super proud of her.
I'm sorry, by exceptional, I mean unusual.
Odd.
Bad.
- What? What do you mean? - Honestly, I'm concerned.
Okay, the last two assignments of hers have been very poor, and it's been a very sudden change.
Have there been any dietary changes I should know about or any head injuries that could've significantly lowered her IQ? Because this is very different for her to miss the mark this severely.
I can't understand why she chose Katy Perry as the focal point for her "women in history" project.
Katy Perry? I mean, that's an obvious choice.
She is a modern feminist hero.
You know, have you heard the lyrics to "Firework" or "Roar"? I mean, she is practically leading a revolution.
That's more of a Taylor Swift thing.
- I see where we stand.
- Mm-hmm.
Look, Zoe wanted to be creative.
Okay, she-she didn't want to do some boring snooze-fest project on Susan B.
Anthony.
I mean, who needs another one of those, right? Just because Ms.
Anthony never had Twitter beef doesn't mean she's a snooze-fest, okay, and I don't know where any female great leaders or even Katy Perry for that matter would be without a little thing called women's suffrage, okay, but that's not the point.
The point is, the work is just sloppy.
Sloppy? Sloppy how? Run-on sentences, spelling errors I mean, she's misusing periods.
That thing lacks a thesis, and the accompanying diorama showed a serious lack of motor skills and hand-eye coordination.
I mean, it's terrifying.
Looks like an LSD nightmare.
Not that I would know.
I think you are mistaken, okay, that that is n-not a lack of anything.
That is an abundance of creativity.
I mean, look at that thing.
It's beautiful.
Have you been to MoCHA? Right? Have you seen some of the weird modern art stuff? I mean, this is a preview of what's to come.
I mean, she's she's going places.
I'm considering enrolling Zoe in a remedial class.
What? No! I think you're being a little bit reactionary here.
Okay, I mean, I don't think Zoe needs a remedial class.
Look, we'll just keep an eye on her for a few days, okay? Remedial's not that serious.
Maybe she just needs a little push in the right direction, a little bit of help, okay? Everything will be okay.
Okay.
You'll see, because she is gonna light up the sky like the Fourth of July, all right, so she's gonna be just fine.
I see what you're doing.
It's not helping.
[upbeat rock music.]
[doorbell chimes.]
I got a large, uh, extra-sausage.
Oh, I don't think we ordered a pizza.
[swanky rock music.]
I got a large.
Extra sausage.
We got a large sausage out here? - Oh! - Yeah, that's me.
- Sorry.
- Hey.
Thanks, man.
Sure, sure.
Oh, thanks.
- Hey, have a good life, huh? - [door shuts.]
[music intensifies.]
Ooh.
[guitar solo soaring.]
- Are you cold? - No, I'm okay.
You sure? Do you need a jacket or, like, a, I don't know, like, a Snuggie or a blanket or anything? Oh, no, that's so sweet of you.
I'm fine.
[music intensifies.]
[music stops.]
[irreverent music.]
- Christine? - Yeah? - Oh, hey.
- Hey.
How's the Where's Georgia? Oh, Scout's putting her down for a nap.
Oh.
How's it going? Not well, Bev.
This is all your fault! We're at the farmers market earlier, picking melons, and I practically had a panic attack.
I just, like, can't let her around fruit or something.
I don't know what I'm gonna do.
Okay, she is down.
Oh, hey, Bev, how are you? - Oh, I'm good! - How are the kids? Oh, they're great.
They miss you.
Oh, good, well, give 'em a hug for me.
I will.
Christine, I'm gonna head out, unless you need anything else.
Actually, yeah.
There-there's something I need to talk to you about.
Oh.
Here it comes.
What? You're gonna fire me because I used to do porn.
Oh, no! Oh, no! No, no, no, no.
You did porn? What? That's crazy! Never seen you in those.
I mean, not that I watch them a lot.
I was gonna fire you because we don't actually need the help that we thought we needed.
And I, just for the record, would never fire you because you did porn because that would be slut shaming.
I understand.
I mean, honestly, porn is the best job I've ever had.
Like, I only got into nanny-ing because I hit that weird porn dead zone.
You know, where it's like, you're too old to be a teen and you're too young to be a MILF.
There's just no roles for me anymore.
I get you on that.
It's like, one year, I stopped auditioning for "Girl Next Door," and the only things I did get auditions for were, like, "traffic cop" and "lady who leaves her job to open a bakery.
" Yeah, I-I-I guess we can we can kind of relate.
- You want to go back to porn? - Yeah.
I really do.
- We can help you with that.
- You would help me? Yes.
Are you kidding me? Your parts need to be out there for the public, not just, you know, trapped inside this little house.
Guys, I'm gonna go start stretching now.
- Okay! - Oh, this is great! Thanks, guys.
You got it.
You got it.
- How? - I'm not really sure.
Okay, look, ladies, I'm sorry.
No, I can't.
I-I just can't.
Look, I still think she can play a teen.
I mean, I-I played a teen till I was, like, 25.
Mm.
Yeah, just throw her hair in some pigtails and, you know, have her talk in a baby voice.
That's how I still get my kids meals.
You are adorable! But no.
Look, there's definitely a dead zone in porn, don't get me wrong, but that's the least of her problems.
She is a terrible actress.
Like, garbage.
- Wait, are you serious? - Yeah.
And that's a problem because Well, you see, that's a problem because this right here is filmmaking.
It's crazy, right? I thought the two of you, above anybody else, would understand the importance of acting in a film.
- Calm down, Sundance.
- Oh.
Aren't we just talking about "Butt-fucking Nuns 9"? That's a classic, all right? And without quality, my porn is smut.
The stigma that porn has about bad acting, listen, that's just a fallacy, all right? - Gross.
- Look, I take accountability for my scripts, all right? Do you think you just win AVN Awards if you can't make the audience believe that you just want to give that hand job? Yeah, it's like a "think the thought," you know? - I like that.
- We can help her with that.
You know, we can help her want to think the thoughts about giving the hand jobs.
We can help her think of the smut.
You know, think the thought, do the deeds.
Okay.
Cool.
If you think you can coach her and give her some lessons about how to be a good actor, then fine, I'll give her another shot.
Great, thank you.
Thank you.
- Sure.
- Thank you.
All right, don't let me down.
Oh, by the way, big fan.
Oh, just wait.
It's a trilogy.
- Gross.
Gross.
- Okay.
Let's go.
Gross, gross, gross, gross.
Do you need your parking validated? [upbeat rock music.]
So, Zoe's teacher said that he's gonna keep an eye on things for a few days but that he might put her in a remedial class.
You guys, I can't believe I fucked this up so badly.
Have you finally learned your lesson? Yes.
Yes, I will not be helping out with homework anymore.
I don't know, my mom helped me with my homework, and I turned out fine.
Point taken.
All right.
Let's get you ready for this audition.
Oh, great! Great.
Okay, well, why don't we run some lines? Do you have your sides? Okay.
[clears throat.]
Okay.
[irreverent music.]
Officer, I'm innocent.
I didn't see the sign.
Isn't there anything I can do to get off? Okay.
I think it's important to remember that this is not Scout thinking, this is this is Gypsy Applestein.
Applestain.
- Right.
- Okay.
Please, I can't go to jail! I'm innocent! I've never even been in detention.
Okay, look, I have never personally talked to a dick on camera, but I feel like you really need to give it backstory.
I don't really do backstory, unless they're paying extra.
Okay.
Maybe we just need to go back to basics.
You know? Start with some exercises.
Kegels.
Always useful, but not the ones I'm talking about.
Maybe some Meisner technique.
So you give me a line, I give you the line back, and we go back and forth like this.
One line.
- Okay.
- Try that.
- Uh, I'll use, "Do me.
" - Great.
Okay.
Phew.
Okay.
[shudders.]
Do me.
- Do me.
- Do me.
- Do me.
- Do me.
- Do me.
- Do me.
- Do me.
- Do me.
- Don't.
- Don't.
Look, how about this, picture the phallus coming towards your face.
- Yes.
- Okay.
Ah! No, less afraid.
[roaring.]
That is a wide girth on your mouth.
- Oh, okay.
- It's interesting.
- Yeah, that's a choice.
- Yeah.
[upbeat rock music.]
So there's good news and there's bad news.
The good news is, Zoe did great on her science homework last night, - and she got an A.
- I'm very relieved to hear that.
- See, she does not need to - Now, here's the bad news.
The bad news is, I've been a teacher for quite some time, so I know when parents are doing their children's work.
No! No, no, no.
I promise you.
That was all Zoe last night.
Look, I know you're a professional actress, but you're no Candace Cameron Bure.
Okay, I can see right through this performance, and I know acting, okay? I played Gaston at the Bakersfield Theatre.
I'm gonna be honest with you, all right, those other two assignments, those were me.
All right, I-I tried to do the first assignment and I got a bad grade, and so I wanted to do better on the second, and then it just did worse, and it all went south.
All right? But I promise you, last night was all Zoe.
That's ridiculous.
I mean, what kind of crazy person would do that? Me.
Me, I would do that.
I'll prove it to you.
[clock ticking.]
[upbeat rock music.]
Okay, enough.
Please, make it stop.
Make it stop.
Stop.
Okay.
I believe you.
You're right.
I mean, you're wrong, like, scary wrong.
How are you a functioning human person? - I have an iPhone.
- Okay, touché.
These are not life skills, okay? This is double-digit multiplication.
Who needs to know that? Physicists, cashiers, people paying rent, people calculating the probability of not ruining their daughter's life chances.
- Again, iPhone.
- Okay, look.
I'm gonna forget any of this happened.
I'm not gonna put Zoe in a remedial class.
All right? On one condition.
You promise to never, ever help her with her homework again.
Absolutely.
Lesson learned.
But the math, not so much.
[irreverent music.]
Auditions, am I right? Would you like a mint? Oh, we're not here for No, we're just here for support.
Yeah, but to be fair, if she'd had support, she probably wouldn't be in this business in the first place.
I mean, not that we're judging.
No, we would we would never judge.
We are the two least nonjudgmental people.
That's a double negative, but yes.
Guys, I did it! I got the part! - Oh, my God, that's great! - I got the part! Those mouth warmups you had me do were so helpful.
Oh, I know, right? "Red leather, yellow leather.
" Look it up, people.
So, when does it start? Well, there's just one condition.
- Action! - Patient 69.
Paging patient 69.
The doctor will see you now.
I am a receptionist.
I'm also a receptionist.
The doctor doesn't take insurance, so please feel free to tip her well.
Come into my office Daddy.
- Okay, cut.
- What? I just need more, like, "Is Dad coming home this Christmas?" - Oh, more daddy issues.
- Yes.
I don't think they clean these surfaces very well.
I wouldn't lick it, but, you know.
You're not gonna get an STD.
It's not really Why would you ever eat anything in here? I'm starving.
Did you see the craft service out there? There's, like, nothing on the table.
Something, I want you like a feral something feral.
- Okay.
- You got this look going on.
Just remind me what "feral" means.
I know I know, but I can't It's just like a wild cat that needs to be put down.
Like you're spraying everywhere.
You're just in heat.
You know, no one wants you.
- You've been thrown into a river - Come into my office, Daddy! Yes, just violent.
- Got it.
- Got it? I just don't think that's sanitary.
It was wrapped.
God, I'm gonna bathe in, like, a vat of hand sanitizer when I get home.