How Do You Want Me? (1998) s02e04 Episode Script
Bad Builders
(Laughs forcedly, clears throat) Really? (Indistinct conversation) HmmâÂ"hmmmâÂ"mm.
âÂ" (Girl) Bye, Lisa.
âÂ" Bye.
âÂ" Hiya.
âÂ" Hello.
âÂ" I rejigged The Snuffly Snowman again.
âÂ" Yeah? âÂ" If you can bear to read it again.
âÂ" Of course.
Thanks.
âÂ" Bloody builders, eh? âÂ" Oh, that's not still going on, is it? Yeah, yeah.
The bathroom's got pipes sticking out at crazy angles and bits of the kitchen come and go at random.
And it crunches everywhere I go.
And a lump of brick plonked out into my cereal bowl this morning, and I'm not sure it got there entirely by accident.
Oh.
Wouldn't have a word with your brother, would you? Look.
I'd really rather not get involved.
Do you mind? Dean's supposed to be a really good builder once you get past his Godzilla complex.
Oh.
Very good, very good, very good.
Oh, there's more.
Good.
How's lan? You've weathered recent jumbo storms? Mm Well, the B team's still standing by if ever You know, the sub's on the bench, rather a dusty bench, waiting to come on.
The, er understudy's in the dressing room, quietly reading.
Yeah.
And how's Mum? Is she still on the diet with all the incessant fruit? Yeah? Tell her it's very popular down here, foodâÂ"wise.
Whatever you eat, there tends to be a parsnip tucked in.
(Mouths) âÂ" Lisa's here.
âÂ" Hi.
Everybody's saying hello.
She's saying hello.
Yeah.
OK.
All right, Dad.
Mind yourself.
You too.
Bye.
ByeâÂ"bye.
Bye, Dad.
âÂ" He sends his love.
âÂ" How is he? âÂ" Good.
He's very excited about his fence.
âÂ" Why can't we be excited about simple things? Oh, it's not simple.
Very complicated.
Lots of latticing and cross work and thread.
Here's something.
Helen needs casual work in the shop while she's on holiday.
You're always saying this village is too small to keep you in fullâÂ"time photography.
Yeah, well, maybe, but I vowed as a boy I would never work in a shop called Pizzazz.
So leave me a shred of dignity, please.
Sorry.
Just thought we could do with the extra money, and it might actually be a bit of fun.
Yeah, well, I'll take it if you get a job emptying spittoons in the bookies.
âÂ" Now you're just being childish.
âÂ" I'm not.
âÂ" Yes, you are.
âÂ" I'm not.
âÂ" You are.
âÂ" I'm not.
Yeah, then what? I said to her, "Well, look.
I happen to think anal sex is part and parcel of a modern relationship.
"I mean, the body's like a house.
It's only natural to want to go through all the doors.
" The way I see it, you're only allowed to take one major liberty with a girlfriend.
If I had a girlfriend, I'd want her to shave off her pubic hair.
Hey, look.
Barbecue Barmy.
Inside, it's got "To Derek, my barmy barbecuer.
Love Lisa.
Christmas 1994.
" (Dean) Ah, sweet, sis.
âÂ" Haven't you got any work to do? âÂ" Yes.
So what? (Sing fanfares) 'Ere! On the 'ead! WaâÂ"hey! âÂ" (Guffaws) âÂ" Oh, bloody 'ell.
It's got a dent in it now.
Phil, sort that out.
(Sings fanfare) It would be an honour.
I usually ask Valerie Mullery, but if I'm honest, she comes with a lot of baggage.
So I'm really glad you can help us out, lan.
âÂ" Yeah.
Let's keep it in the family, shall we? âÂ" Yeah.
âÂ" Like insanity.
âÂ" I hear Lisa's been boning you up.
Yeah, she's finally drummed into me the difference between a skirt and a dress âÂ" which has always foxed me for some reason.
âÂ" Right.
âÂ" And we did bra size.
âÂ" No.
Jill will do bras.
OK.
Now.
We're not a swanky London boutique or a massive chain store.
âÂ" Yes, we do.
âÂ" Yes, we do.
So, you can afford to be quite forceful with customers but don't be pushy.
âÂ" It's a fine line, isn't it? âÂ" Er no.
No, lan, it isn't.
âÂ" Also âÂ" You're going to France to ride wild horses? âÂ" Yeah.
In the âÂ" How wild are they? Quite wild.
In the summer, we introduced a zoning system which seems to be working after a lot of initial confusion.
âÂ" So it goes Ready? âÂ" Mm.
âÂ" Sure? âÂ" Mm.
Dressy stock over there.
Tops, trousers, dayâÂ"toâÂ"day wear, knitwear.
And what we call small items here by the counter.
Right.
And you've got a kind of a hat zone there.
Yeah.
I included hats under the small items.
âÂ" Of course.
âÂ" What else? There's a limited stock of menswear, chiefly pants.
Very good quality.
Can't stress that enough.
Can you relax a bit? Your jaw's going all stiff.
Sorry.
Jill's there if you need any help.
She's actually hard as nails under that surface.
Right.
So basically we've got two weeks to either trash the place or turn it into a chippie.
Lan? Not funny.
I'll ring in.
âÂ" By the arse? âÂ" Yeah.
I think I remember seeing that one.
There you are.
âÂ" I said there you are.
âÂ" Oh, me? Yeah, yeah.
Is this some sort of joke? Um Don't know.
I'll have to hear it first.
My house.
Is it a big joke to you? Your house.
Let me see.
Um No.
(Sniggers) So, are you gonna finish it according to my specifications? âÂ" Derek? âÂ" Mr Few.
(Splutters) âÂ" What? âÂ" Mr Few to you.
(All chant) Few, Few, Barley McGrew, Cuthbert, Dibble and Grub! âÂ" (Laughter) âÂ" Um Well, you see, um Mr Few, I've been carrying bricks and planks and shit all day, and now, um I'm just relaxing with my peers.
You know, if this wasn't the only effing building company for ten miles, I'd have sacked you months ago.
Well, I'm very upset that you're unhappy with our work.
Ah.
Ah, at last.
You're thick but you're not too thick to understand that.
âÂ" Oh, dear.
âÂ" Oh, no.
You see, now, Mr Kung Few, you've just edged beyond the point where I can carry on talking.
Don't you EVER insult me in my own home again.
Bye.
Oh, my God Stuff! God (As old crony) Yes, it's quite vivid, isn't it, but the man in the shop was so convincing.
Isn't it lovely? ã34.
50.
Bollocks.
It's worth about three quid.
(Bell dings) Oh.
Um Good morning.
âÂ" Morning.
No Helen today? âÂ" No, no.
Helen's on holiday.
Riding.
(lan) Horses.
In the Algarve.
If it's a bra you want, Jill has gone to buy candles.
Lovely trousers there.
If it's knitwear you want, this would be the section to be in, over here.
Ah.
Mrs LeighâÂ"Barrett.
âÂ" Has Helen gone already? âÂ" Yes, she has, yes.
Ah.
âÂ" Is there anything I can help you with? âÂ" No, no.
No.
It's all right.
No.
âÂ" Er âÂ" There must be something if you came in.
Well (Coughs) I wanted to buy some underwear, if you must know.
âÂ" Is this for yourself? âÂ" God, what do you think? I don't know.
You might have had friends round.
Well, what we've got really is mostly here, sort of You know.
Oh, no.
That's ladies.
Sorry.
Big ladies round here.
Um Now.
See anything you like from the drawer of dreams? So, the stupid builder said to the lazy builder, "What shall we do now?" And then the lazy builder didn't even bother to answer because he's lazy.
Oh, but there was another builder in the room, the dishonest builder.
They're all dishonest, but this one particularly.
He said, "Let's just do nothing, why don't we?" So they just sat around on their fat, spotty backsides.
They're fat and spotty because they sit around all day.
So they did nothing for eight hours, using other people's facilities, eating biscuits (Woman) Well Um I'm not sure.
âÂ" Come out, let's have a look at you.
âÂ" Where's Helen gone? I told you, riding in the Algarve.
Come out.
You've been in long enough.
It's sensational.
âÂ" It is sensational.
âÂ" Sensational.
And it's crying out for this cardigan.
Oh.
Oh, that's an idea.
Hi.
âÂ" Jill, gusting incident by the door.
âÂ" It looks different in here.
âÂ" To create a lovely, magical atmosphere.
âÂ" Ah, yes.
Magic.
Where's Helen? Er Holiday.
LionâÂ"taming, Estonia.
I'm in charge.
Ah.
Well, I've got some great new lines that I just wanted to run past you.
Lines? Lines of Now, have you ever seen anything like this before? No.
Is it good? (Norriswood) Come in.
âÂ" Hello.
âÂ" Headmaster.
Yes, when a teacher asks to see me, it's invariably for one of three reasons.
To, um to agonise over a pupil, to grass up a fellow schoolteacher or to ask for time off for something darkly medical.
âÂ" Which category do you fall into? âÂ" You asked to see me.
Ah, yes.
Um Hm.
What is your view of Mr Few? Derek? He's a very popular teacher, conscientious.
Good at drawing, sensitive.
Yes.
Just linger linger there on, erm on sensitive.
What do we think of the value of being sensitive? I really think it's an improvement on not being sensitive.
Mm.
Yes, well, I'm put in mind of Hitchcock, Alfred Hitchcock's film The Birds, where the inhabitants of a small town are paralysed by small, pecking birds.
Sensitive souls like Mr Few remind me of that town, able to cope with the odd, darting, predatory emotion but vulnerable whenever they strike in sufficient force.
I think I may have missed a stage of your argument.
Oh.
Mr Few is upset about something and it's affecting his work.
âÂ" Thank you.
âÂ" Do you know what it is? âÂ" He's the person to ask.
âÂ" He says there's nothing wrong.
Well, that's that, then.
So shall I make a report and have him dismissed from his post? Well, I think he may be having some trouble with his builders.
Oh.
Yes.
Yes, I think one can.
(Dean) Well, of course we make a mess.
We're builders.
(Lisa) Derek found a piece of brick in his cereal packet, Dean.
I'm sorry.
I've got no information on how that happened.
You're just stringing this job along cos you don't want to lay anybody off, aren't you? No.
When I have ever told you how to do your job, eh? âÂ" You said I should play rounders with the kids.
âÂ" Well, you should.
It's the best game.
If I was shitting on your friends, you'd soon tell me about it pretty bloody quickly.
Listen, Leece.
Let me tell you something about your friend Derek.
We arrived the first day and he's taken all the phones out and locked them in his car so we can't call out.
We could see them on the back seat.
âÂ" Yeah, all right.
I agree that's bad.
âÂ" And we went into the kitchen and there was a tin with a handwritten label saying "Builders' Biscuits.
" He didn't have to buy you biscuits.
That was a really nice gesture.
No, it wasn't.
They were horrible.
They were all plain and broken.
He'd hidden the nice ones in the oven.
They were delicious.
I mean, hello.
We've got feelings too, you know and Derek is a really, really nice bloke.
He's away on a course for a week.
Please just have the work finished when he gets back.
All right.
Cool.
I'll do my best, OK? AhâÂ"ah.
Thank you.
Nice work, guys.
Thank you, Algie.
That's nice, Jill.
It's nice.
(Doorbell dings) I don't want to criticise somebody who's miles away on a horse but Helen is a victim of her own horizons.
Hello, girls.
âÂ" Hi.
âÂ" Hi.
I've reorganised according to colour.
Beiges and russets there, opal, topaz, taupe and oatmeal, and so on.
(lan) Just had a new shipment of tops in.
Had to literally fight to get them.
Incredibly, you won't realise until tomorrow how yesterday you've been.
Jill, these people.
You like these tops, don't you? Hi.
I can't stand solarâÂ"powered calculators, can you? There's something creepy about them.
Look at this lovely leaf.
WooâÂ"ooh! âÂ" So Helen's back tomorrow.
âÂ" No, really? Do you think she'll notice the tops? The thing about these tops, if you factor them out, I think I've probably increased sales.
Maybe.
We actually achieved a kind of shallow incline at the end.
How much have you cost Helen then? Um Potentially nothing, if there's a rush on the tops.
Equally potentially, ã1,804.
(Lisa) Huh? âÂ" Why don't you buy a couple? âÂ" No.
That'd be a really good double whammy.
You'd have new tops and save everybody money.
They're horrible.
So how many have you sold? âÂ" Three.
âÂ" Three? You've only sold three tops? Yes, three tops! Three tops! Tops, tops, tops! All to the same woman who was completely barking and had an eye patch.
Can't you ask the wholesaler to take them back? No.
I begged them.
I made myself cry down the phone.
And then Jill gave me one of her scenty tissues.
âÂ" You can't expect Helen to pay.
âÂ" I know.
âÂ" Would we make money if we sold the rabbits? âÂ" No.
What about if I sold my hair? They do that in Les Misérables.
(Phone rings) âÂ" Hello.
âÂ" I've got to open the shop.
I've got to sell ten or nine.
Or one.
Then I can look her in the eye.
(Lisa) Sorry Of course I'll come over.
Try and stay calm.
âÂ" Have a hot drink.
I'll be a minute.
âÂ" God, it's a grim thing.
(Lisa) Hello? âÂ" Hello? âÂ" Oh, hi.
Hi, Lisa.
Come in.
âÂ" Hello.
âÂ" Hi.
(Derek) Sorry I was a bit, erm sad.
I just got back from my course and I thought it would be all âÂ" Did you have good weather? âÂ" No, I didn't.
Derek, didn't there used to be a door there? Yes, there was.
They filled it in while I was away.
That's something, then.
I didn't want them to fill it in.
It's the only door to my study.
âÂ" I think that's probably just plasterboard.
âÂ" Oh, well, that's all right, then.
I know there's nothing you can do.
I was just feeling sorry for myself.
You are allowed.
I'd be furious if the builders had sealed up the door to my study.
(Tuts) âÂ" Want me to have a go at it with the hammer? âÂ" No, lan.
(Bell dings) I mean, Dean's really getting out of hand.
So, what do you want me to do? Can't you have a word with him, Dad? You're the only person that scares him.
Oh, I doubt it.
He's his own man these days.
What's the only animal who doesn't know fear? âÂ" The rhino.
âÂ" No.
I think it's the elephant.
The rhino fears someone.
Dean was too big for his placenta, of course.
That didn't help.
Dean's very intelligent.
He just enjoys intimidating people.
Maybe he gets it from me.
I don't really want to get involved but Derek's in such a mess over this.
I keep thinking he's going to fall to his knees and start sobbing all over my legs.
We all love Derek.
We make no secret.
We'd have loved you to have a small family and all live in a small house somewhere.
Well, maybe I'll have a word with Dean.
âÂ" I'd rather he was unhappy than you.
âÂ" Thank you, Dad.
I think the rhino fears the crocodile, doesn't he? âÂ" Anyway, thanks for coming in on a Sunday.
âÂ" It's quite all right.
I thought there might be a late surge of interest, you know? Yes, a coach party might stop suddenly and they might all need tops.
Yeah.
So it's back to photography for me tomorrow.
Yes.
Have you got many bookings for next week? Oh, it's not bad.
Mostly dogs.
Doing a new thing.
Immortalise your pet for ã37.
50.
But I've enjoyed being in women's clothes.
You know what I mean.
And don't worry, I'll tell Helen it was my fault.
I did a similar thing when I bought a load of folding chairs for the comedy club and they gave everybody a rash.
But I took them back.
It was OK.
If you want to go âÂ" The candles give the place a brothelly feel.
âÂ" NightâÂ"night.
Good night, Jill.
Well, I think they look nice.
Still do.
(Clears throat) I don't have enough money.
That's the whole problem with cheese.
It's made from milk that's gone off.
To be fair, it's not milk that's gone off, you know? So what's made it go hard? (Door shuts) Oh, Dad.
This is a rare privilege.
âÂ" Good evening, Dean.
âÂ" Want a drink? Whisky, please.
Wanted a word with you about Derek Few's building work.
(All) Few, Few, Barley McGrew, Cuthbert, Dibble I gather you're buggering about.
No.
Who told you that? Why did you seal up one of his rooms? Keep the mice out.
Is that supposed to be funny? Every time you go out of your house, you don't just represent yourself.
You represent us.
âÂ" Your family.
âÂ" Oh, do I? Yes, you do, and you're becoming an embarrassment.
Well, I guess I'll have to put myself up for adoption, then.
(Lads snigger) I want you to go home.
What? Go back to your house.
Stay indoors until the morning.
âÂ" Why? âÂ" Just do as I say.
Lighten up, Dad.
You're freaking everybody out.
No.
No, I'm not leaving this pub.
Stop it.
(Door opens) (lan groans) Hello.
Very quiet here.
Ooh Something's happening.
Maybe you'd better go, Dean.
Nice night in.
(Door shuts) âÂ" Cheers.
âÂ" Cheers.
âÂ" (Pager bleeps) âÂ" Oh, great.
It's a fire.
Thanks for the drink.
So.
Are you happy with the performance you're getting from your new pants? âÂ" Yes.
âÂ" Good stuff.
(Derek singing) âÂ" Hiya.
âÂ" Oh, hello.
James! Over here.
Ooh Sorry.
It's just It's gone there.
Look at you.
You look like something out of a Pepsi ad.
Eight very obedient builders turned up at 7:30 today.
âÂ" Aaahh âÂ" Craig! On the head.
Come on.
No.
Just All right.
OK.
That's good.
Yeah, left them beavering away.
So thank you.
Good.
See, sometimes it's great to have a scary daddy.
âÂ" Mmm.
âÂ" I am a bit worried about Dean, though.
He's gone off on a road trip with Phil.
Last time they got arrested for driving into a church.
Sorry to hear about Helen's shop.
Oh, she's taken it rather well, actually.
A real trooper.
âÂ" You should ask her out.
âÂ" Mm, no thanks.
âÂ" I'll fix something up.
âÂ" Terrible thing about fire, isn't it? The way it just kinda eats through everything.
âÂ" How did it start? âÂ" Oh, Jill lit some candles.
They're trying not to blame her.
You know she's got such a thin shell.
God, yeah.
Desperately thin.
Not that there's anything wrong with having a thin shell.
I'd actually revolutionised the layout.
That's one of the ironies of this appalling tragedy.
âÂ" Right.
âÂ" I had different colour zones.
Good.
You can't really tell now because everything's black but there was an enclave which was just for rainwear.
It was kind of an innovation.
Fantastic.
You do have insurance, don't you? Yeah, yeah.
Look, it's fine, lan.
Really.
I mean, this kind of thing happens all the time.
âÂ" Yeah.
âÂ" It's just another fire.
âÂ" I'm gonna go in.
âÂ" Jill didn't mention the purchase of any tops? No, no.
(Water dripping) âÂ" Excuse me.
âÂ" All right.
Sorry.
You see, some of the stock is still usable, Helen.
Maybe you should go back to work, lan.
Thanks.
OK.
Oh, these are nice.
If you're refurbishing, I'm there.
Commitments permitting, you know.
Excellent.
YooâÂ"hoo! âÂ" Take one of me.
âÂ" Say "Embers".
Why? (Water dripping)
âÂ" (Girl) Bye, Lisa.
âÂ" Bye.
âÂ" Hiya.
âÂ" Hello.
âÂ" I rejigged The Snuffly Snowman again.
âÂ" Yeah? âÂ" If you can bear to read it again.
âÂ" Of course.
Thanks.
âÂ" Bloody builders, eh? âÂ" Oh, that's not still going on, is it? Yeah, yeah.
The bathroom's got pipes sticking out at crazy angles and bits of the kitchen come and go at random.
And it crunches everywhere I go.
And a lump of brick plonked out into my cereal bowl this morning, and I'm not sure it got there entirely by accident.
Oh.
Wouldn't have a word with your brother, would you? Look.
I'd really rather not get involved.
Do you mind? Dean's supposed to be a really good builder once you get past his Godzilla complex.
Oh.
Very good, very good, very good.
Oh, there's more.
Good.
How's lan? You've weathered recent jumbo storms? Mm Well, the B team's still standing by if ever You know, the sub's on the bench, rather a dusty bench, waiting to come on.
The, er understudy's in the dressing room, quietly reading.
Yeah.
And how's Mum? Is she still on the diet with all the incessant fruit? Yeah? Tell her it's very popular down here, foodâÂ"wise.
Whatever you eat, there tends to be a parsnip tucked in.
(Mouths) âÂ" Lisa's here.
âÂ" Hi.
Everybody's saying hello.
She's saying hello.
Yeah.
OK.
All right, Dad.
Mind yourself.
You too.
Bye.
ByeâÂ"bye.
Bye, Dad.
âÂ" He sends his love.
âÂ" How is he? âÂ" Good.
He's very excited about his fence.
âÂ" Why can't we be excited about simple things? Oh, it's not simple.
Very complicated.
Lots of latticing and cross work and thread.
Here's something.
Helen needs casual work in the shop while she's on holiday.
You're always saying this village is too small to keep you in fullâÂ"time photography.
Yeah, well, maybe, but I vowed as a boy I would never work in a shop called Pizzazz.
So leave me a shred of dignity, please.
Sorry.
Just thought we could do with the extra money, and it might actually be a bit of fun.
Yeah, well, I'll take it if you get a job emptying spittoons in the bookies.
âÂ" Now you're just being childish.
âÂ" I'm not.
âÂ" Yes, you are.
âÂ" I'm not.
âÂ" You are.
âÂ" I'm not.
Yeah, then what? I said to her, "Well, look.
I happen to think anal sex is part and parcel of a modern relationship.
"I mean, the body's like a house.
It's only natural to want to go through all the doors.
" The way I see it, you're only allowed to take one major liberty with a girlfriend.
If I had a girlfriend, I'd want her to shave off her pubic hair.
Hey, look.
Barbecue Barmy.
Inside, it's got "To Derek, my barmy barbecuer.
Love Lisa.
Christmas 1994.
" (Dean) Ah, sweet, sis.
âÂ" Haven't you got any work to do? âÂ" Yes.
So what? (Sing fanfares) 'Ere! On the 'ead! WaâÂ"hey! âÂ" (Guffaws) âÂ" Oh, bloody 'ell.
It's got a dent in it now.
Phil, sort that out.
(Sings fanfare) It would be an honour.
I usually ask Valerie Mullery, but if I'm honest, she comes with a lot of baggage.
So I'm really glad you can help us out, lan.
âÂ" Yeah.
Let's keep it in the family, shall we? âÂ" Yeah.
âÂ" Like insanity.
âÂ" I hear Lisa's been boning you up.
Yeah, she's finally drummed into me the difference between a skirt and a dress âÂ" which has always foxed me for some reason.
âÂ" Right.
âÂ" And we did bra size.
âÂ" No.
Jill will do bras.
OK.
Now.
We're not a swanky London boutique or a massive chain store.
âÂ" Yes, we do.
âÂ" Yes, we do.
So, you can afford to be quite forceful with customers but don't be pushy.
âÂ" It's a fine line, isn't it? âÂ" Er no.
No, lan, it isn't.
âÂ" Also âÂ" You're going to France to ride wild horses? âÂ" Yeah.
In the âÂ" How wild are they? Quite wild.
In the summer, we introduced a zoning system which seems to be working after a lot of initial confusion.
âÂ" So it goes Ready? âÂ" Mm.
âÂ" Sure? âÂ" Mm.
Dressy stock over there.
Tops, trousers, dayâÂ"toâÂ"day wear, knitwear.
And what we call small items here by the counter.
Right.
And you've got a kind of a hat zone there.
Yeah.
I included hats under the small items.
âÂ" Of course.
âÂ" What else? There's a limited stock of menswear, chiefly pants.
Very good quality.
Can't stress that enough.
Can you relax a bit? Your jaw's going all stiff.
Sorry.
Jill's there if you need any help.
She's actually hard as nails under that surface.
Right.
So basically we've got two weeks to either trash the place or turn it into a chippie.
Lan? Not funny.
I'll ring in.
âÂ" By the arse? âÂ" Yeah.
I think I remember seeing that one.
There you are.
âÂ" I said there you are.
âÂ" Oh, me? Yeah, yeah.
Is this some sort of joke? Um Don't know.
I'll have to hear it first.
My house.
Is it a big joke to you? Your house.
Let me see.
Um No.
(Sniggers) So, are you gonna finish it according to my specifications? âÂ" Derek? âÂ" Mr Few.
(Splutters) âÂ" What? âÂ" Mr Few to you.
(All chant) Few, Few, Barley McGrew, Cuthbert, Dibble and Grub! âÂ" (Laughter) âÂ" Um Well, you see, um Mr Few, I've been carrying bricks and planks and shit all day, and now, um I'm just relaxing with my peers.
You know, if this wasn't the only effing building company for ten miles, I'd have sacked you months ago.
Well, I'm very upset that you're unhappy with our work.
Ah.
Ah, at last.
You're thick but you're not too thick to understand that.
âÂ" Oh, dear.
âÂ" Oh, no.
You see, now, Mr Kung Few, you've just edged beyond the point where I can carry on talking.
Don't you EVER insult me in my own home again.
Bye.
Oh, my God Stuff! God (As old crony) Yes, it's quite vivid, isn't it, but the man in the shop was so convincing.
Isn't it lovely? ã34.
50.
Bollocks.
It's worth about three quid.
(Bell dings) Oh.
Um Good morning.
âÂ" Morning.
No Helen today? âÂ" No, no.
Helen's on holiday.
Riding.
(lan) Horses.
In the Algarve.
If it's a bra you want, Jill has gone to buy candles.
Lovely trousers there.
If it's knitwear you want, this would be the section to be in, over here.
Ah.
Mrs LeighâÂ"Barrett.
âÂ" Has Helen gone already? âÂ" Yes, she has, yes.
Ah.
âÂ" Is there anything I can help you with? âÂ" No, no.
No.
It's all right.
No.
âÂ" Er âÂ" There must be something if you came in.
Well (Coughs) I wanted to buy some underwear, if you must know.
âÂ" Is this for yourself? âÂ" God, what do you think? I don't know.
You might have had friends round.
Well, what we've got really is mostly here, sort of You know.
Oh, no.
That's ladies.
Sorry.
Big ladies round here.
Um Now.
See anything you like from the drawer of dreams? So, the stupid builder said to the lazy builder, "What shall we do now?" And then the lazy builder didn't even bother to answer because he's lazy.
Oh, but there was another builder in the room, the dishonest builder.
They're all dishonest, but this one particularly.
He said, "Let's just do nothing, why don't we?" So they just sat around on their fat, spotty backsides.
They're fat and spotty because they sit around all day.
So they did nothing for eight hours, using other people's facilities, eating biscuits (Woman) Well Um I'm not sure.
âÂ" Come out, let's have a look at you.
âÂ" Where's Helen gone? I told you, riding in the Algarve.
Come out.
You've been in long enough.
It's sensational.
âÂ" It is sensational.
âÂ" Sensational.
And it's crying out for this cardigan.
Oh.
Oh, that's an idea.
Hi.
âÂ" Jill, gusting incident by the door.
âÂ" It looks different in here.
âÂ" To create a lovely, magical atmosphere.
âÂ" Ah, yes.
Magic.
Where's Helen? Er Holiday.
LionâÂ"taming, Estonia.
I'm in charge.
Ah.
Well, I've got some great new lines that I just wanted to run past you.
Lines? Lines of Now, have you ever seen anything like this before? No.
Is it good? (Norriswood) Come in.
âÂ" Hello.
âÂ" Headmaster.
Yes, when a teacher asks to see me, it's invariably for one of three reasons.
To, um to agonise over a pupil, to grass up a fellow schoolteacher or to ask for time off for something darkly medical.
âÂ" Which category do you fall into? âÂ" You asked to see me.
Ah, yes.
Um Hm.
What is your view of Mr Few? Derek? He's a very popular teacher, conscientious.
Good at drawing, sensitive.
Yes.
Just linger linger there on, erm on sensitive.
What do we think of the value of being sensitive? I really think it's an improvement on not being sensitive.
Mm.
Yes, well, I'm put in mind of Hitchcock, Alfred Hitchcock's film The Birds, where the inhabitants of a small town are paralysed by small, pecking birds.
Sensitive souls like Mr Few remind me of that town, able to cope with the odd, darting, predatory emotion but vulnerable whenever they strike in sufficient force.
I think I may have missed a stage of your argument.
Oh.
Mr Few is upset about something and it's affecting his work.
âÂ" Thank you.
âÂ" Do you know what it is? âÂ" He's the person to ask.
âÂ" He says there's nothing wrong.
Well, that's that, then.
So shall I make a report and have him dismissed from his post? Well, I think he may be having some trouble with his builders.
Oh.
Yes.
Yes, I think one can.
(Dean) Well, of course we make a mess.
We're builders.
(Lisa) Derek found a piece of brick in his cereal packet, Dean.
I'm sorry.
I've got no information on how that happened.
You're just stringing this job along cos you don't want to lay anybody off, aren't you? No.
When I have ever told you how to do your job, eh? âÂ" You said I should play rounders with the kids.
âÂ" Well, you should.
It's the best game.
If I was shitting on your friends, you'd soon tell me about it pretty bloody quickly.
Listen, Leece.
Let me tell you something about your friend Derek.
We arrived the first day and he's taken all the phones out and locked them in his car so we can't call out.
We could see them on the back seat.
âÂ" Yeah, all right.
I agree that's bad.
âÂ" And we went into the kitchen and there was a tin with a handwritten label saying "Builders' Biscuits.
" He didn't have to buy you biscuits.
That was a really nice gesture.
No, it wasn't.
They were horrible.
They were all plain and broken.
He'd hidden the nice ones in the oven.
They were delicious.
I mean, hello.
We've got feelings too, you know and Derek is a really, really nice bloke.
He's away on a course for a week.
Please just have the work finished when he gets back.
All right.
Cool.
I'll do my best, OK? AhâÂ"ah.
Thank you.
Nice work, guys.
Thank you, Algie.
That's nice, Jill.
It's nice.
(Doorbell dings) I don't want to criticise somebody who's miles away on a horse but Helen is a victim of her own horizons.
Hello, girls.
âÂ" Hi.
âÂ" Hi.
I've reorganised according to colour.
Beiges and russets there, opal, topaz, taupe and oatmeal, and so on.
(lan) Just had a new shipment of tops in.
Had to literally fight to get them.
Incredibly, you won't realise until tomorrow how yesterday you've been.
Jill, these people.
You like these tops, don't you? Hi.
I can't stand solarâÂ"powered calculators, can you? There's something creepy about them.
Look at this lovely leaf.
WooâÂ"ooh! âÂ" So Helen's back tomorrow.
âÂ" No, really? Do you think she'll notice the tops? The thing about these tops, if you factor them out, I think I've probably increased sales.
Maybe.
We actually achieved a kind of shallow incline at the end.
How much have you cost Helen then? Um Potentially nothing, if there's a rush on the tops.
Equally potentially, ã1,804.
(Lisa) Huh? âÂ" Why don't you buy a couple? âÂ" No.
That'd be a really good double whammy.
You'd have new tops and save everybody money.
They're horrible.
So how many have you sold? âÂ" Three.
âÂ" Three? You've only sold three tops? Yes, three tops! Three tops! Tops, tops, tops! All to the same woman who was completely barking and had an eye patch.
Can't you ask the wholesaler to take them back? No.
I begged them.
I made myself cry down the phone.
And then Jill gave me one of her scenty tissues.
âÂ" You can't expect Helen to pay.
âÂ" I know.
âÂ" Would we make money if we sold the rabbits? âÂ" No.
What about if I sold my hair? They do that in Les Misérables.
(Phone rings) âÂ" Hello.
âÂ" I've got to open the shop.
I've got to sell ten or nine.
Or one.
Then I can look her in the eye.
(Lisa) Sorry Of course I'll come over.
Try and stay calm.
âÂ" Have a hot drink.
I'll be a minute.
âÂ" God, it's a grim thing.
(Lisa) Hello? âÂ" Hello? âÂ" Oh, hi.
Hi, Lisa.
Come in.
âÂ" Hello.
âÂ" Hi.
(Derek) Sorry I was a bit, erm sad.
I just got back from my course and I thought it would be all âÂ" Did you have good weather? âÂ" No, I didn't.
Derek, didn't there used to be a door there? Yes, there was.
They filled it in while I was away.
That's something, then.
I didn't want them to fill it in.
It's the only door to my study.
âÂ" I think that's probably just plasterboard.
âÂ" Oh, well, that's all right, then.
I know there's nothing you can do.
I was just feeling sorry for myself.
You are allowed.
I'd be furious if the builders had sealed up the door to my study.
(Tuts) âÂ" Want me to have a go at it with the hammer? âÂ" No, lan.
(Bell dings) I mean, Dean's really getting out of hand.
So, what do you want me to do? Can't you have a word with him, Dad? You're the only person that scares him.
Oh, I doubt it.
He's his own man these days.
What's the only animal who doesn't know fear? âÂ" The rhino.
âÂ" No.
I think it's the elephant.
The rhino fears someone.
Dean was too big for his placenta, of course.
That didn't help.
Dean's very intelligent.
He just enjoys intimidating people.
Maybe he gets it from me.
I don't really want to get involved but Derek's in such a mess over this.
I keep thinking he's going to fall to his knees and start sobbing all over my legs.
We all love Derek.
We make no secret.
We'd have loved you to have a small family and all live in a small house somewhere.
Well, maybe I'll have a word with Dean.
âÂ" I'd rather he was unhappy than you.
âÂ" Thank you, Dad.
I think the rhino fears the crocodile, doesn't he? âÂ" Anyway, thanks for coming in on a Sunday.
âÂ" It's quite all right.
I thought there might be a late surge of interest, you know? Yes, a coach party might stop suddenly and they might all need tops.
Yeah.
So it's back to photography for me tomorrow.
Yes.
Have you got many bookings for next week? Oh, it's not bad.
Mostly dogs.
Doing a new thing.
Immortalise your pet for ã37.
50.
But I've enjoyed being in women's clothes.
You know what I mean.
And don't worry, I'll tell Helen it was my fault.
I did a similar thing when I bought a load of folding chairs for the comedy club and they gave everybody a rash.
But I took them back.
It was OK.
If you want to go âÂ" The candles give the place a brothelly feel.
âÂ" NightâÂ"night.
Good night, Jill.
Well, I think they look nice.
Still do.
(Clears throat) I don't have enough money.
That's the whole problem with cheese.
It's made from milk that's gone off.
To be fair, it's not milk that's gone off, you know? So what's made it go hard? (Door shuts) Oh, Dad.
This is a rare privilege.
âÂ" Good evening, Dean.
âÂ" Want a drink? Whisky, please.
Wanted a word with you about Derek Few's building work.
(All) Few, Few, Barley McGrew, Cuthbert, Dibble I gather you're buggering about.
No.
Who told you that? Why did you seal up one of his rooms? Keep the mice out.
Is that supposed to be funny? Every time you go out of your house, you don't just represent yourself.
You represent us.
âÂ" Your family.
âÂ" Oh, do I? Yes, you do, and you're becoming an embarrassment.
Well, I guess I'll have to put myself up for adoption, then.
(Lads snigger) I want you to go home.
What? Go back to your house.
Stay indoors until the morning.
âÂ" Why? âÂ" Just do as I say.
Lighten up, Dad.
You're freaking everybody out.
No.
No, I'm not leaving this pub.
Stop it.
(Door opens) (lan groans) Hello.
Very quiet here.
Ooh Something's happening.
Maybe you'd better go, Dean.
Nice night in.
(Door shuts) âÂ" Cheers.
âÂ" Cheers.
âÂ" (Pager bleeps) âÂ" Oh, great.
It's a fire.
Thanks for the drink.
So.
Are you happy with the performance you're getting from your new pants? âÂ" Yes.
âÂ" Good stuff.
(Derek singing) âÂ" Hiya.
âÂ" Oh, hello.
James! Over here.
Ooh Sorry.
It's just It's gone there.
Look at you.
You look like something out of a Pepsi ad.
Eight very obedient builders turned up at 7:30 today.
âÂ" Aaahh âÂ" Craig! On the head.
Come on.
No.
Just All right.
OK.
That's good.
Yeah, left them beavering away.
So thank you.
Good.
See, sometimes it's great to have a scary daddy.
âÂ" Mmm.
âÂ" I am a bit worried about Dean, though.
He's gone off on a road trip with Phil.
Last time they got arrested for driving into a church.
Sorry to hear about Helen's shop.
Oh, she's taken it rather well, actually.
A real trooper.
âÂ" You should ask her out.
âÂ" Mm, no thanks.
âÂ" I'll fix something up.
âÂ" Terrible thing about fire, isn't it? The way it just kinda eats through everything.
âÂ" How did it start? âÂ" Oh, Jill lit some candles.
They're trying not to blame her.
You know she's got such a thin shell.
God, yeah.
Desperately thin.
Not that there's anything wrong with having a thin shell.
I'd actually revolutionised the layout.
That's one of the ironies of this appalling tragedy.
âÂ" Right.
âÂ" I had different colour zones.
Good.
You can't really tell now because everything's black but there was an enclave which was just for rainwear.
It was kind of an innovation.
Fantastic.
You do have insurance, don't you? Yeah, yeah.
Look, it's fine, lan.
Really.
I mean, this kind of thing happens all the time.
âÂ" Yeah.
âÂ" It's just another fire.
âÂ" I'm gonna go in.
âÂ" Jill didn't mention the purchase of any tops? No, no.
(Water dripping) âÂ" Excuse me.
âÂ" All right.
Sorry.
You see, some of the stock is still usable, Helen.
Maybe you should go back to work, lan.
Thanks.
OK.
Oh, these are nice.
If you're refurbishing, I'm there.
Commitments permitting, you know.
Excellent.
YooâÂ"hoo! âÂ" Take one of me.
âÂ" Say "Embers".
Why? (Water dripping)