How I Met Your Father (2022) s02e04 Episode Script

1
Here you go!
An energizing green juice
for your big first day.
Ooh, Goliath Market
is not gonna know what hit them!
Ta-da! Meet Ellen from corporate.
Val
I love it.
I'm a big-city boss,
just sipping on greens ♪
Coming in to work ♪
'Cause I'm a goddamn quee een! ♪
That sounded like a song
from one of those reality shows
about girl bosses, like,
and they're doing girl boss things!
Like, they go to sell
a big house, and they're like
I'm selling this big-ass house ♪
I'm wearing these high-ass heels ♪
Exactly! You know,
sometimes I like to imagine myself
as the star of my own reality TV show.
Rich City Bitch Ellen! Or
Ellen, La Ricca Puttana Della Citta!
It's a huge hit in Italy.
Well, thanks so much, guys.
- Wish me luck?
- Oh, you don't need it.
- You got this.
- Woo!
I am so, so excited for her!
Me, too! She is crushing it.
- Killing it.
- Murdered it.
It is dead.
I couldn't be happier for her.
Even though, you know,
we've been in New York way, way longer,
and our careers are
- Trash.
- Trainwrecks.
Full-on flaming garbage.
Hey, you know what we need?
A little Pathetic Deirdre.
Oh, my God, yes.
Pathetic Deirdre!
Okay, so I realize
this is maybe not the best look for me.
You and Aunt Val laughing maniacally
about some poor woman
named "Pathetic Deirdre"?
Yeah, it's not great.
Well, just let me explain.
Deirdre was an old college friend,
and Aunt Val and I used to invite her
to brunch when we were feeling,
you know, low,
to give ourselves an ego boost.
This city is just too loud for me.
I'm gonna move to New Jersey.
New Jersey. On purpose!
I don't know how you two party so much.
I'm usually in bed by 9:00.
I haven't gone to bed at 9:00
since I was 9.
I'm thinking about writing a book.
Like, about my life.
Who would read that?
Wouldn't. Who wouldn't read that?
Wait.
Val, is this gross?
We're 30 now.
We support other women.
It's fine. We're just
reaching out to an old friend
to see if she wants to have brunch.
Something women have done
throughout herstory.
You're right.
Should we call her first to make
sure she doesn't have other plans?
Mom!
You don't get it!
She never had anything going on!
Okay, babe, are you ready to do this?
Almost. How's my hair?
Oh, it's so cute.
Oh hey, man. You don't mind if Meredith
and I shoot a video in here, do you?
Oh yeah, it's for my social.
Gotta let the M-heads know that
Jesse and I are back together,
and he's joining me on tour.
M-heads?
Meredith heads. M-heads!
Yeah. My whole album
is about our breakup,
and so us getting back together
is gonna be pretty big news
in the Memmunity.
The Meredith community.
Okay, well,
I'm gonna need some immunity
from the Memmunity
'cause your cuteness is killing me.
Oh, awesome.
Exciting news, boss man.
I started dating again.
Obviously, by dating, I mean hardcore,
no-strings-attached doinking.
That is right.
Yours truly hooked up with
a comely young lady last night,
and it was luscious.
Okay. Congratulations, Charlie,
but please do not use the words,
"doinking" or "luscious"
or "comely" again.
Noted.
What on Earth are they doing
with their noses?
They are happy, and they're in love,
and though we have our misgivings,
Jesse is our best friend,
so we support him.
What I supported last night
was the full weight of a human woman.
The more you talk,
the more you sound like a murderer.
Got the world in ♪
My own hands ♪
I'm going to work ♪
I'm going to work, work, work ♪
I'm not here to play, play, play ♪
Juice is just okay, okay, okay ♪
That horse eats hay, hay, hay ♪
Get out of my way ♪
Don't get in my way,
I'm here to stay ♪
- Hello.
- Hi.
Ellen Gilbert.
It's my first day, and I need a
pass! Pass! Pass!
Oh! Can you make it fast, fast, fast?
Sorry, I just wanna hop
on the elevator with my boss.
You sure?
The elevator is a very small space
for your boss to be alone with
all of this.
Stairs it is!
I'll get my steps in.
51st floor?
That's a no-go for old Ellen-o.
Soph! Deirdre texted back!
"Sorry, lovelies, can't brunch today.
I have a book reading
at The Ginz in 30 minutes."
A book reading?
What does that even mean?
Maybe it auto-corrected "foot cleaning"?
Oh I bet it's like a open mic thing.
We have to go.
Already requesting a Lyft.
This can't all be for Deirdre's thing.
Uh, excuse me. Is there another smaller,
sadder event happening here today?
Nope. Just the one book reading.
She's here!
Hold on.
Did Pathetic Deirdre
write an actual book?
I bet it's mostly pictures.
No. Words. It's all words.
Huh? Wait,
is that how you spell "Deirdre"?
English is weird.
My God, she always talked
about writing a book,
and now, she's written a book?
That's so random.
Val.
Look at this chapter.
"Mimosas and Mind Games"?
We always used to have mimosas with her.
I think this book is about us.
- Stop. You're being paranoid.
- Let's dive right in.
"In college, I met two women,
and I became 'friendly' with them."
- Could be anyone.
- "To preserve their privacy,
I will call them Sophia and Valerie."
Okay, it's us.
Well, I will put your contact in
as first name, "the,"
last name,
"most beautiful girl in the world."
You know, I'm so happy
I sprung for the 12-pack
from Baskets USA because looks like,
I'll be sending another one
out tomorrow morning.
Did you send your hookup
a post-sex breakup gift basket?
Of course.
It's what Derek Jeter did in his prime.
Who knows how to do classy,
casual sex in New York City
better than noted American sex Yankee
Derek Jeter?
That is an old rumor.
Jeter himself said it's not true.
Jeter, you discreet devil.
He will take his basketing secrets
to the grave.
Okay, there are a couple things
to hit in this video.
- So I made some bullet points.
- What? No, babe.
You know why they're called
"bullet points"?
They shoot spontaneity dead.
- I think we should just wing it.
- Uh, okay.
Hey, guys! I have a huge announcement.
- Guess who's joining me on tour?
- It's me
Jesse! That's right! Jesse,
the inspiration behind Jay Street.
We are back together and so happy.
- That's right
- I can't wait to see you all on tour
and share our love story with you.
Dates below, and we added a second night
in Myrtle Beach.
- Go, cocks! Quack, quack, quack! Peace!
- We We love cocks.
Okay. I think that's pretty good.
Should I post it?
Uh, I-I-I don't know. You know,
that kind of felt a little bit more like
a solo than a, than a duet to me, but
Really? Okay, we can do another one.
It's funny.
Felt like you were talking a lot.
Hello, Courtney.
You're here.
Um
Courtney, this is Sid.
Sid, this is Courtney, my, um
His hookup from last night.
Sorry for the ambush.
I usually play it cool,
but I thought, what the hell?
Charlie's putting himself
out there by sending me this
"I like you" gift basket.
Might as well let him know
I like him, too.
Wool suit. Wool suit!
You're a boss bitch,
you produce witch ♪
I can feel the sweat
Sweat, sweat dripping down ♪
My neck, neck, neck ♪
I'm on 51! I'm on 51!
Mother!
Think.
Think.
There's gotta be a way outta here.
Oh ho! She's open!
I'm here to shine, shine, shine ♪
This is how I die, die, die ♪
Why does this room even exist?!
"Every brunch was a masterclass
"in female-to-female cruelty.
"Yet, every time little blond Sophia
"and her fiery sidekick Valerie called,
I couldn't resist."
So, I'm a sidekick now?
And she called you fiery,
which is hella problematic.
- I hate Pathetic Deirdre.
- Yeah, well,
she clearly hates us, too,
and with good reason.
We were such passive-aggressive
mean girls to her.
Yeah, true.
Do you wanna stick around and apologize,
- do the right thing?
- No! Let's get outta here.
Oh, my God!
I can't believe it, but the real
Valerie and Sophia are here.
This is so brave of you both.
Please, come join me!
Together, we can heal.
Come on. Come on.
Let's support them. This isn't easy.
I can't believe this is how
we get canceled.
I can't believe Deirdre
chose that as her author photo.
Stop it.
I'm sorry.
Wait, w-why are you sorry?
Isn't it obvious?
I used you to make myself feel better.
Before I she-toxed,
I thought of you two
as my pathetic friends.
How's it going over there, sex Yankee?
It's great, actually.
I really misjudged Courtney.
I mean, she's lovely.
She's funny. She's really smart.
She's actually a genius.
At the Apple Store.
I'm really glad that she mistook my
"thanks for the hookup" basket
for a "let's go on a real date" basket.
Again, neither of those
are reason to send a woman
salami and lotion.
You know, poor Hannah.
Clearly stuck in a basket-less marriage.
So, we just cannot wait
to be up on that stage
performing together for all of you.
Babe, do you wanna say a few words?
Yes, I do. Thank you.
Um, being apart from Meredith
was the most difficult time of my life.
And I'm just so glad that she
asked me to get back together.
That's right. I took him back.
Well, actually, I-I took her back.
Best decision I ever made.
was being taken back by me
because I took him back. I'm the taker.
Well, actually, you were taken. By me.
Ow! Damn it!
- You okay?
- Yeah, I'm fine! Why?
No reason.
Dude, she's gonna ruin his life again.
I know it.
And just like these wine glasses,
I'ma be left to pick up the pieces.
Is that why you broke the glasses?
For the metaphor?
Ooh, what a showman.
Wait, you think we're the pathetic ones?
Did you not read the book?
You're what I called
my "could be worse-ies"
because whenever I was
feeling bad about myself,
I would hang out with you
and think it could
- We get it!
- Oh, we get it, Deirdre!
I know. I am not proud of it,
but there was a time in my life
where your many, many struggles
were like my fuel.
I just bought a condo in Hoboken.
Huge with waterfront views.
You two still in that
tiny walk-up in Queens?
Mm-hmm.
I'm training for a Spartan race,
so I'm eating really clean
and in bed by 9:00.
More bacon?
- Mm. Yeah.
- Yeah.
I just got an advance on my memoir.
Oh!
You're making furniture now? Hm.
Oh, sweetie, you're thinking of armoire.
Oh
That is not what happened at all.
They're processing.
It's perfectly healthy.
I am so sorry for exploiting
your many struggles.
Mea culpa, Sophie. Mea culpa, Valentina.
No, you may not culpa, Deirdre.
You were the pathetic one.
Wait, what?
We called you Pathetic Deirdre.
That was your name. See?
Wow! Okay.
Um, She-Toxers!
What we're seeing here
is a textbook case
of toxic twisting.
I think it is clear which of us up here
was "the P word." I mean,
you two could barely afford brunch,
and I bought a condo when I was 25!
Uh, a condo in Jersey, so
Uh, doesn't count.
Don't laugh at that!
At least I am not broke and day drunk.
We are not day drunk! Yet.
Yeah, and you know what?
We might not have some fancy
book with no pictures in it, okay?
But we have each other.
Oh, good for you!
You two are so goddamn annoying!
is what pre-she-tox Deirdre
would have said.
She's a fraud! She's still toxic!
No! No, no, no, no, no.
I have changed, I swear.
I just find these two very triggering.
So now she's using the word "triggering"
to justify her bad
behavior. We hate that!
Ooh We are not canceled,
but Pathetic Deirdre is.
- You wanna go get day drunk?
- Yeah.
- Bye, D.
- Eh!
- Good to see you!
- Uh-huh!
When I crawl through the vent ♪
Goddammit!
Oh, my God.
That's my meeting.
Okay, first thing's first.
Let's take attendance.
- Kyle?
- Here.
Ellen.
Here.
Tomas?
Yeah!
Nice to meet you, Tomas.
I-I don't understand.
In what world did you take me back?
You came to me, told me you
regretted breaking up with me,
and then asked me
to go on tour with you.
Okay, yeah, sure. Those are the facts,
but, like, what were the vibes?
Okay, okay. Fine.
You took me back.
But, this album, the tour,
even this video,
it isn't about what actually happened.
I mean, you gotta think
about it like this is a movie,
and I'm the main character.
If you're the main character, then
what does that make me? Like, an extra?
No.
Makes you the extremely
handsome love interest.
Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
You're right. You're right.
Let's just go with the first video.
- Really?
- Yes.
Okay, thank you.
I'm gonna go send this to the team.
- You okay?
- Wha? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I'm good. I'm good. We're good.
I was making too big of a deal
about that video, right?
I mean, she should be the main
character. She's It's her tour.
- Jesse.
- Yeah.
Dude, Meredith's always gonna be
the main character.
She's always gonna put herself first.
And I-I tried to hold my tongue
'cause I know you're happy,
but, dude, at the end of the day,
I just think you deserve someone
who actually loves you.
And Meredith doesn't.
Uh, got it.
So I'll, uh, I'll see you Saturday then.
I was thinking we could, uh, picnic.
Well, we already have the basket, so
- You Charlie?
- Uh, yes.
Got your dozen "Gourmand Paradise"
baskets from Baskets USA.
You got a good deal, dude.
Sign here.
What's going on?
It's a funny story, really. Um
Are you familiar with
New York Yankee Derek Jeter?
Oh, my God.
This is a
"thanks for a one-night stand" basket?
Are all those other baskets for
Other women that I will meet
and sleep with, yes.
You can keep your low-rent,
post-sex basket.
Next time,
just ghost like a normal asshole.
Low-rent?! Did you
Did you not see the truffled almonds?
I slept with Jeter.
Real truffles and a Birkin bag.
A bag in a basket? He is a god.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Just, uh, getting ahead
of packing for tour.
Really excited to see you
at the, uh, Long Island show.
Charlie and I are thinking of renting
a ZipCar and driving everyone up.
We're gonna write, like,
"Jesse Express-e" on the windows.
Like, all aboard the Jesse Express-e!
Woo-woo!
Yeah, maybe, actually,
it's better if you don't come.
Woo What?
- Really?
- Really.
When I'm standing on stage
with the woman I love,
I kinda wanna look into the audience
and see the faces of people
who actually support me.
Okay
Woo-woo.