How Not to Live Your Life (2008) s02e04 Episode Script
Don Goes Gay
I'm on the bus, man.
It's not even going anywhere.
Allow it, man.
You come to my yard.
I ain't going to your yard, it's swag.
Shut up! No! You is coming to my house, bitch! Does he really think we all want to hear him argue with his bitch? It's none of your business where I was last night, woman! - That thing with Shaniqua was nuffin'.
- Oh, shut up! I'll knock him for six, man.
I'll knock him out.
They call me Rocky Balboa.
You're like some stalker, man, And sleep.
Shut up, bitch! I'm just gonna come up there and just tear it up.
I've had enough of you! Come here! I'd let that just go to voicemail, if I were you.
Shut up, man! - What? - Nothing.
Batty boy, man.
Some gaylord watching me.
Dickheads Team Episode 205 Don goes gay I had sex with Mrs Treacher last night.
It's a bit awkward this morning.
I'm kidding, I'm kidding! Imagine! - This is my brother, Jamie.
- Hey, Don.
Heard a lot about you.
Really? Not all bad, I hope.
I said, "Not all bad, I hope.
" No, Sam raves about you.
Where's Eddie? He's off fetching me my Saturday paper.
Well, if you wanna sit down, I'll go and get us a cup of tea.
Take a pew.
Wouldn't worry about Angry Ronnie Corbett here.
That's just her default face.
Doesn't matter what mood she's in, she always has that look.
I call it "The Face of Death".
Even if you make her laugh, Watch this.
Mrs T, look.
See? All right? My husband's dead.
You all right? Yeah, I'm great! That's Samantha's brother? Yeah.
Looks nothing like her.
Thank God! What's the joke? Dunno.
Your love life? Stop showing off, you, or I'll pull your pants down, like I did at school.
You can try, but I'm not little any more.
That's not what I've heard.
Got you there.
Where is Eddie with my freaking paper? She used to have this terrible habit of sleepwalking and weeing herself.
Rubbish! I never once did that! You sleepwalked and then peed all down the banister.
All right, I did it once.
But at least I didn't dress up in little girl's clothes.
Well, actually, you did.
You were a little girl.
- There you go, Don.
- About time, Eddie.
Jeez! There we go.
TV listings.
Chuck that in the bin.
What, aren't you going to read it? No.
That's the boring stuff.
No, I've got what I want here.
Let's see if there's any Costner on tonight.
Right, see you later.
Good to meet you, guys.
See you, Jamie.
Seems all right for a homo.
Don't be so disrespectful.
He's not gay.
Even I can tell that he's homosexual.
No, you see You're mistaking homosexual for metrosexual.
You know like me? I have no idea what a metrosexist is, but I know Jamie's not one.
He's gaysexual.
I've seen them on the telly.
That's just what blokes are like nowadays, Gollum.
Men aren't men like they used to be.
They're not like Steven Seagal.
Straight guys now are like Simon Cowell or Rupert Everett.
Bollocks! We all went out for a drink that night.
Who'd have thought Sam had such a funny brother? Come on, Samantha, it's your round.
And no snakebite and blacks, or whatever it is students drink these days.
If she had it her way, we'd all be drinking cider in the park.
- And smoking roll-ups.
- Yeah.
Wearing Che Guevara T-shirts.
Oh, my God! I wish I'd never introduced you both.
Come on, I'll give you a hand.
He's so not gay.
Maybe you're right.
- What do I know? - You know nothing.
He's so funny, so witty, so biting.
And he's very well dressed.
I love him.
Is Don gay? What? He's gay, right? Gay?! Yeah.
He is.
- He's very gay.
- Why didn't you tell me? Well, because Wait You're not interested in him, are you? You know I like the naughty ones.
How long have he and that Eddie guy been together? Him and Eddie? They kind of have an on-off thing.
But they are "off" at the moment.
If you see some crisp on my face, just tell me.
Don't dive in and wipe it yourself.
I mean, I don't want Jamie thinking we're a couple or something.
So, anyone know the Arsenal result? Likes football.
Not gay.
You're asking the wrong person.
Don doesn't watch or play sport.
- I play sport.
- Really? - What do you play? - Billiards.
It was 2-1 to the Arsenal.
Cool.
What, you support them too? I'm with Don.
What? I'm not a fan of football, either.
But he read the paper this morning, so he'll have remembered all the scores to every match.
And all the news.
Ask him anything that was in the paper and he'll tell you.
- Go on, do it, it's great! - OK.
What was on page 12? Alien sighting in Penge.
That was good.
OK, what was on page 40? Oh, that's easy.
The crossword.
Three across, five letters.
Clue, plastic music.
Answer, vinyl.
Seven down, seven letters.
Nelson's ship.
Answer, Victory.
12 across, 10 letters.
Track from Fleetwood Mac's Tango In The Night.
Answer, Everywhere.
Six down, four, three.
Answer, Rain Man I tell you, my nan had some pretty nifty records! What's that noise? I'm trying to sleep! Stop playing that bloody techno music! You silly gremlin! She thinks that's techno! We'll try and keep it down.
Right, I'm off to ged Bed! You're pissed! No, I'm not.
She never admits it when she's drunk.
So where am I sleeping? Sofa? I'm afraid the sofa is not very comfy.
- I don't mind.
- You could sleep in Don's room.
- What? - Sounds like fun.
I mean, you can't expect him to sleep down here, where it's all cold.
All right! God! I suppose it could be a laugh.
It'll be like being back at school.
No wanking games, though! - Can I come too? - Get lost, Eddie! - Go on.
We could throon.
- "Throon"? That's when three people spoon.
Eddie calls it "throoning".
We throoned with Mrs Treacher last week, didn't we? I'm gonna let you guys fight it out.
Have fun in your sleepover.
Come on, then, you.
Let's go to bed.
You'll clear up all the mess, won't you, Edward? Good.
What's Eddie like, eh? Getting jealous.
You can't blame him, can you? Yes.
He's a pillock.
Come on, hurry up.
It's cold.
He needs to understand that we don't have to do everything together.
Anyway, you OK with this? Yeah, of course! You? You don't wanna go top to tail? Really? Some guys I know, they don't like that.
I much prefer it.
Right.
Imagine! Wait one cotton-picking minute! What's going on? Oh God! I thought you were - I thought you weren't! - Well! God! This is awkward.
Wait a minute.
Where on earth did you get the idea I might be a gayman? My sister.
What? Oh, great! Don and Jamie sittin' in a tree, B-U-M-M-I-N Look, I'm really sorry.
This was obviously her idea of a joke.
But you actually thought I was a gayman? Are you offended? I just don't see why you would think such a kooky thing.
Your relationship with that Eddie guy, for a start.
People are always saying that.
We don't do anything that is remotely gay.
Right, I'm going to bed.
Night.
- Sometimes we finish each other's - Sentences.
- There we go - Again! Thanks, Eddie.
I really ought to tell him to back off a bit.
You do have a gayish quality, Don.
I'm not gay.
I'm not.
I thought about it once.
See? Open-minded.
And I decided I could never be gay, because I simply don't like the music.
What? The music.
It's all thump, thump, thump, thump, thump with the gays.
From what I've witnessed, they only listen to music in gyms or nightclubs.
I mean, do you know any gaymen who listen to Radiohead or Nick Drake? Do you realise what a huge, sweeping generalisation that is? Still, at least you didn't say we all like Judy Garland.
You know about Judy Garland? She rocks! My God! You're serious.
Yeah, man, yeah.
My nan left behind loads of her records.
Garland's awesome.
Oh, my God! You are so gay! - No, you are.
- No, you are.
No, you are actually gay.
This is stupid.
Look, all I'm saying is, you know, you're vain, you're bitchy, you don't like football, you don't know anything about cars and you take forever to get ready.
Not exactly alpha hetero qualities, now, are they? What does Jamie know, anyway? Just cos he's gay.
I mean, I'm not vain or bitchy.
Sam said I'm receding.
She doesn't know what she's talking about.
She said the same thing about me.
Sometimes I hate that woman.
- "I used to be a model.
" - Yeah, right! Hand model, more like.
Cow! All right.
But I don't take forever to get ready.
Are you ready to leave? You've been in front of the mirror for 2 h.
Yeah, I wanna look good.
We are only going to pick up a takeaway pizza, Don.
OK, but I like football and know stuff about cars.
Can we please hurry up before everyone starts piling out the pubs? You know that big game's on tonight.
Oh, God! I hate football.
How are we getting there? We're going in my Volvo.
What's a Volvo? Oh, shit! I'm gay.
I still can't believe you did that.
Well, you deserved it.
You both did.
You were ganging up on me all night.
What's this, then? Coffee? Join us, if you want.
- Do you still think we were gonna go - I'm gay! Jamie's right.
I thought about it last night and I've decided I am a gayman.
Don, why don't you sit down? I've just came to ask if you would be my boyfriend? - What? - Will you be my boyfriend? It doesn't just work like that.
I need someone to show me the ropes, you know, break me in.
Not like that! OK, like that, but one step at a time.
Don, you are not gay.
Bless you, Samantha.
I know it's gonna be hard for you to accept.
It's gonna be hard for a lot of chicklets.
Look, if you're serious, why don't we go out on a date and we'll take it from there, yeah? - A date? - Yes.
- A date.
- You are kidding me! You and me on a date.
Right, OK.
Sure, yeah.
Pick me up at eight.
I'm staying at your house, remember? Fine.
Pick me up from my room at eight.
Seriously? You started it.
Now, you must be thinking this is very extreme.
But I didn't wanna be one of those "am I, aren't I?" types.
So I went to work that afternoon a proud gayman.
Don.
Here a minute.
Morning, boss.
Right.
This isn't easy to say, so I'll just say it.
I'm gonna have to let you go.
I'm sorry.
Actually, I'm not.
You've been a disaster.
What, you're firing me? You might as well leave now.
I don't want you upsetting customers.
Oh, I get it.
Yeah, I see what this is about.
- You're bad at your job.
- It's cos I'm gay, isn't it? No, it's not.
I What? You're gay? I don't believe this.
I've always heard them going on about discrimination, but I thought that was just attention seeking.
- Don, if this is some kind of joke - Being gay is not a joke, Jason! Yes, it looks fun, and camp, and most gay celebrities are amusing, or they dress up in ladies' clothing.
But that doesn't automatically mean it's fun and games.
Jesus! You of all people.
- And what does that mean? - Well, you're a Jew.
You and us together in Auschwitz.
What? I'm not Jewish! What are you so worried about, Jason? That I'll give everyone AIDS? - No, I just - Jason's got AIDS now! Don, stop it.
She's got AIDS now! Oh, my God! I've got AIDS! .
Try telling that to the millions of homosexuals who are killed every second just for being gay.
There's one.
There's another.
You know what you can do with your job, Jason? You can stick it where we gays make love.
And I do not mean the bedroom.
I'll give you one more warning.
But that's it.
- I'll think about it.
- What? OK, I'll stay.
And I'll forgive you.
I was really looking forward to my gay date with Jamie.
I decided to bunk off work early that afternoon and go home and prepare.
Can I have a word? Certainly, Samantha.
Which word would you like? Tell you what, take "vagina".
I won't be needing that any more.
Look, I just wanted to apologise for getting you caught up in our sibling rivalry.
You don't need to apologise.
I'm glad you did it.
What? I might've gone my whole life not knowing about my gayness.
But you did an amazing thing, despite it being a cruel, nasty joke for your own entertainment.
But you're not gay.
It makes so much sense.
Why have I never had a proper relationship before? Come on! You've had relationships, haven't you? That was great Janet? Josie? Look, Don, I've had a long, hard think and I just can't see a future for us.
It's only our first date.
Thanks.
This was great! I'm a gayman, Sam.
It explains my commitment issues and why I've always wondered what it would be like to cuddle Keanu Reeves in the nude.
I got them.
I have sex every day.
With yourself.
Yes, with myself.
And at no point do I ever go, "Oh, my God! "There's a man's hand on my penis.
" - So? - So I clearly don't mind having a man's hand on my penis.
Yeah, because it's your hand.
It's still a man's hand, isn't it? And I like it.
Love it, in fact.
You wouldn't understand.
You're not a gayman.
Would you stop saying gayman, because it is not actually a word.
It must be.
It's like Englishman.
Or Dutchman.
Or German-man.
No, it's not, because an Englishman is from England.
You are not from Gayland.
There's no such thing.
Isn't there? I mean, there are gaylords.
And you can't have lords without a land.
Come! Oh, Jamie.
Stop it.
You're not meant to see me yet.
My God! Jamie, come on.
Let's leave him to it.
I'll be waiting downstairs.
OK, sweet cheeks.
Right.
Come on, what have you got for me? I can tell you're in a mood, Eddie Singh.
What is it? You used to call me "sweet cheeks".
What you and I have is platonic.
You're not my type.
You look like an overgrown baby.
What are you wearing, Don? - What do you mean? - Those clothes.
Well, this is just how I roll now.
- And so I was on my first gay date.
- Good luck.
We went for dinner, but I insisted we leave early, because I'm out now.
I wanna go to a gay restaurant.
You know? Where there's gay people.
And gay food.
Being gay doesn't automatically mean you only go to gay places, Don.
I know what this is about.
You've got a thing for straights, haven't you? What? I was straight when you met me.
Then tonight you take me to a straight restaurant.
And flirted with the straight waiter.
But I told you, I was just being polite.
Polite? I got a girl pregnant once by being polite.
You wanna go where there's gays? I think I know somewhere open.
But just relax! OK.
I'm relaxed.
We're queer, we're here, get used to it! Oh, God.
- What's up? - That's just reminded me that Don's on a date with my brother.
It's actually making me feel a bit queasy.
It's like catching your annoying uncle in bed with your dad or something.
Oh, dear.
What, that happened to you too? That was a strange Christmas.
I mean, Don is simply not gay.
I must say, it all does seem a little odd.
What exactly are you making, Eddie? Saucisse de poulet.
- A what? - Oh, a chicken sausage.
- Why are they all staring at us? - They're checking us out.
They're so blatant.
All right, mate? All right? You get the drinks in.
I'm going for a slash.
Be quick! Two beers, please.
So shall we go, then? - Sorry? - I'm not.
I'm horny, though.
What, you and me? Just like that? something better? - No, it's just, well, we haven't met.
- Don't you like to talk first? - Why would I wanna do that? - Gays are so much better than women.
- Come on, then.
Back the truck up a minute, gayman.
I've only just come out.
- I don't care what time you got here.
- No, no.
I mean out.
Of the closet, yeah? How sweet.
- How about a dance? - I didn't do dance when I was straight, I'm not about to start danc What are you doing? He's with me.
Get lost.
- Actually - I said, he's with me.
Now turn around or I'll kick the shit out of you.
He's all yours.
Come back, I beg of you! I'm telling you, in all my years on the straight circuit, I have never, ever had two women fight over me like that.
It has done wonders for my confidence.
That was just a bar where people go to get laid.
Not all gays are like that.
Some are interested in having a monogamous relationship.
What's the point in that? You may as well be straight.
Don, I'm not convinced you're gay.
I am.
I am.
Look, I'm gay.
Come on.
You fancy men? I fancy Keanu Reeves.
But not me? I'm just a bit nervous.
You know, this is very new to me.
Do you need me to help you? That'd be nice.
Right.
Straight for the Johnson? Now, I know what you're thinking.
Actually, I don't know what you're thinking.
But I'll talk you through what I'm thinking.
Oh, my God.
I'm getting a blowy from a man.
A fella.
A gay.
Shit, what am I doing? This is Samantha's brother.
Do it to me, Samantha.
Oh, God, that's good, yes.
Hang on.
What am I doing? I'm sorry, I can't do this.
- What? - I'm sorry, I'm not gay.
I guess I just needed a man to suck me off to work it out.
I'm so sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm gonna go.
Up to Sam's room.
Sorry.
Oh, God! - Hey, Don.
- Jon Bon Jesus! How long have you been there? Most of the evening.
You don't say a word about the blowy, not to anyone, right? Abso-lulu.
Not a word about the blowy.
- I can't believe what you did! - What? I didn't do anything.
What did he say? That you finally admitted you weren't homosexual.
What, and that was all he said? I knew you weren't.
I can't believe you made all that stuff up.
I didn't make it up.
I honestly thought I might be.
I'm going through an experimental phase.
But you'll be pleased to know I am now definitely a ladies' man.
That's ridiculous.
Your brother just brushed his teeth with Don's penis.
Very weird.
It's not even going anywhere.
Allow it, man.
You come to my yard.
I ain't going to your yard, it's swag.
Shut up! No! You is coming to my house, bitch! Does he really think we all want to hear him argue with his bitch? It's none of your business where I was last night, woman! - That thing with Shaniqua was nuffin'.
- Oh, shut up! I'll knock him for six, man.
I'll knock him out.
They call me Rocky Balboa.
You're like some stalker, man, And sleep.
Shut up, bitch! I'm just gonna come up there and just tear it up.
I've had enough of you! Come here! I'd let that just go to voicemail, if I were you.
Shut up, man! - What? - Nothing.
Batty boy, man.
Some gaylord watching me.
Dickheads Team Episode 205 Don goes gay I had sex with Mrs Treacher last night.
It's a bit awkward this morning.
I'm kidding, I'm kidding! Imagine! - This is my brother, Jamie.
- Hey, Don.
Heard a lot about you.
Really? Not all bad, I hope.
I said, "Not all bad, I hope.
" No, Sam raves about you.
Where's Eddie? He's off fetching me my Saturday paper.
Well, if you wanna sit down, I'll go and get us a cup of tea.
Take a pew.
Wouldn't worry about Angry Ronnie Corbett here.
That's just her default face.
Doesn't matter what mood she's in, she always has that look.
I call it "The Face of Death".
Even if you make her laugh, Watch this.
Mrs T, look.
See? All right? My husband's dead.
You all right? Yeah, I'm great! That's Samantha's brother? Yeah.
Looks nothing like her.
Thank God! What's the joke? Dunno.
Your love life? Stop showing off, you, or I'll pull your pants down, like I did at school.
You can try, but I'm not little any more.
That's not what I've heard.
Got you there.
Where is Eddie with my freaking paper? She used to have this terrible habit of sleepwalking and weeing herself.
Rubbish! I never once did that! You sleepwalked and then peed all down the banister.
All right, I did it once.
But at least I didn't dress up in little girl's clothes.
Well, actually, you did.
You were a little girl.
- There you go, Don.
- About time, Eddie.
Jeez! There we go.
TV listings.
Chuck that in the bin.
What, aren't you going to read it? No.
That's the boring stuff.
No, I've got what I want here.
Let's see if there's any Costner on tonight.
Right, see you later.
Good to meet you, guys.
See you, Jamie.
Seems all right for a homo.
Don't be so disrespectful.
He's not gay.
Even I can tell that he's homosexual.
No, you see You're mistaking homosexual for metrosexual.
You know like me? I have no idea what a metrosexist is, but I know Jamie's not one.
He's gaysexual.
I've seen them on the telly.
That's just what blokes are like nowadays, Gollum.
Men aren't men like they used to be.
They're not like Steven Seagal.
Straight guys now are like Simon Cowell or Rupert Everett.
Bollocks! We all went out for a drink that night.
Who'd have thought Sam had such a funny brother? Come on, Samantha, it's your round.
And no snakebite and blacks, or whatever it is students drink these days.
If she had it her way, we'd all be drinking cider in the park.
- And smoking roll-ups.
- Yeah.
Wearing Che Guevara T-shirts.
Oh, my God! I wish I'd never introduced you both.
Come on, I'll give you a hand.
He's so not gay.
Maybe you're right.
- What do I know? - You know nothing.
He's so funny, so witty, so biting.
And he's very well dressed.
I love him.
Is Don gay? What? He's gay, right? Gay?! Yeah.
He is.
- He's very gay.
- Why didn't you tell me? Well, because Wait You're not interested in him, are you? You know I like the naughty ones.
How long have he and that Eddie guy been together? Him and Eddie? They kind of have an on-off thing.
But they are "off" at the moment.
If you see some crisp on my face, just tell me.
Don't dive in and wipe it yourself.
I mean, I don't want Jamie thinking we're a couple or something.
So, anyone know the Arsenal result? Likes football.
Not gay.
You're asking the wrong person.
Don doesn't watch or play sport.
- I play sport.
- Really? - What do you play? - Billiards.
It was 2-1 to the Arsenal.
Cool.
What, you support them too? I'm with Don.
What? I'm not a fan of football, either.
But he read the paper this morning, so he'll have remembered all the scores to every match.
And all the news.
Ask him anything that was in the paper and he'll tell you.
- Go on, do it, it's great! - OK.
What was on page 12? Alien sighting in Penge.
That was good.
OK, what was on page 40? Oh, that's easy.
The crossword.
Three across, five letters.
Clue, plastic music.
Answer, vinyl.
Seven down, seven letters.
Nelson's ship.
Answer, Victory.
12 across, 10 letters.
Track from Fleetwood Mac's Tango In The Night.
Answer, Everywhere.
Six down, four, three.
Answer, Rain Man I tell you, my nan had some pretty nifty records! What's that noise? I'm trying to sleep! Stop playing that bloody techno music! You silly gremlin! She thinks that's techno! We'll try and keep it down.
Right, I'm off to ged Bed! You're pissed! No, I'm not.
She never admits it when she's drunk.
So where am I sleeping? Sofa? I'm afraid the sofa is not very comfy.
- I don't mind.
- You could sleep in Don's room.
- What? - Sounds like fun.
I mean, you can't expect him to sleep down here, where it's all cold.
All right! God! I suppose it could be a laugh.
It'll be like being back at school.
No wanking games, though! - Can I come too? - Get lost, Eddie! - Go on.
We could throon.
- "Throon"? That's when three people spoon.
Eddie calls it "throoning".
We throoned with Mrs Treacher last week, didn't we? I'm gonna let you guys fight it out.
Have fun in your sleepover.
Come on, then, you.
Let's go to bed.
You'll clear up all the mess, won't you, Edward? Good.
What's Eddie like, eh? Getting jealous.
You can't blame him, can you? Yes.
He's a pillock.
Come on, hurry up.
It's cold.
He needs to understand that we don't have to do everything together.
Anyway, you OK with this? Yeah, of course! You? You don't wanna go top to tail? Really? Some guys I know, they don't like that.
I much prefer it.
Right.
Imagine! Wait one cotton-picking minute! What's going on? Oh God! I thought you were - I thought you weren't! - Well! God! This is awkward.
Wait a minute.
Where on earth did you get the idea I might be a gayman? My sister.
What? Oh, great! Don and Jamie sittin' in a tree, B-U-M-M-I-N Look, I'm really sorry.
This was obviously her idea of a joke.
But you actually thought I was a gayman? Are you offended? I just don't see why you would think such a kooky thing.
Your relationship with that Eddie guy, for a start.
People are always saying that.
We don't do anything that is remotely gay.
Right, I'm going to bed.
Night.
- Sometimes we finish each other's - Sentences.
- There we go - Again! Thanks, Eddie.
I really ought to tell him to back off a bit.
You do have a gayish quality, Don.
I'm not gay.
I'm not.
I thought about it once.
See? Open-minded.
And I decided I could never be gay, because I simply don't like the music.
What? The music.
It's all thump, thump, thump, thump, thump with the gays.
From what I've witnessed, they only listen to music in gyms or nightclubs.
I mean, do you know any gaymen who listen to Radiohead or Nick Drake? Do you realise what a huge, sweeping generalisation that is? Still, at least you didn't say we all like Judy Garland.
You know about Judy Garland? She rocks! My God! You're serious.
Yeah, man, yeah.
My nan left behind loads of her records.
Garland's awesome.
Oh, my God! You are so gay! - No, you are.
- No, you are.
No, you are actually gay.
This is stupid.
Look, all I'm saying is, you know, you're vain, you're bitchy, you don't like football, you don't know anything about cars and you take forever to get ready.
Not exactly alpha hetero qualities, now, are they? What does Jamie know, anyway? Just cos he's gay.
I mean, I'm not vain or bitchy.
Sam said I'm receding.
She doesn't know what she's talking about.
She said the same thing about me.
Sometimes I hate that woman.
- "I used to be a model.
" - Yeah, right! Hand model, more like.
Cow! All right.
But I don't take forever to get ready.
Are you ready to leave? You've been in front of the mirror for 2 h.
Yeah, I wanna look good.
We are only going to pick up a takeaway pizza, Don.
OK, but I like football and know stuff about cars.
Can we please hurry up before everyone starts piling out the pubs? You know that big game's on tonight.
Oh, God! I hate football.
How are we getting there? We're going in my Volvo.
What's a Volvo? Oh, shit! I'm gay.
I still can't believe you did that.
Well, you deserved it.
You both did.
You were ganging up on me all night.
What's this, then? Coffee? Join us, if you want.
- Do you still think we were gonna go - I'm gay! Jamie's right.
I thought about it last night and I've decided I am a gayman.
Don, why don't you sit down? I've just came to ask if you would be my boyfriend? - What? - Will you be my boyfriend? It doesn't just work like that.
I need someone to show me the ropes, you know, break me in.
Not like that! OK, like that, but one step at a time.
Don, you are not gay.
Bless you, Samantha.
I know it's gonna be hard for you to accept.
It's gonna be hard for a lot of chicklets.
Look, if you're serious, why don't we go out on a date and we'll take it from there, yeah? - A date? - Yes.
- A date.
- You are kidding me! You and me on a date.
Right, OK.
Sure, yeah.
Pick me up at eight.
I'm staying at your house, remember? Fine.
Pick me up from my room at eight.
Seriously? You started it.
Now, you must be thinking this is very extreme.
But I didn't wanna be one of those "am I, aren't I?" types.
So I went to work that afternoon a proud gayman.
Don.
Here a minute.
Morning, boss.
Right.
This isn't easy to say, so I'll just say it.
I'm gonna have to let you go.
I'm sorry.
Actually, I'm not.
You've been a disaster.
What, you're firing me? You might as well leave now.
I don't want you upsetting customers.
Oh, I get it.
Yeah, I see what this is about.
- You're bad at your job.
- It's cos I'm gay, isn't it? No, it's not.
I What? You're gay? I don't believe this.
I've always heard them going on about discrimination, but I thought that was just attention seeking.
- Don, if this is some kind of joke - Being gay is not a joke, Jason! Yes, it looks fun, and camp, and most gay celebrities are amusing, or they dress up in ladies' clothing.
But that doesn't automatically mean it's fun and games.
Jesus! You of all people.
- And what does that mean? - Well, you're a Jew.
You and us together in Auschwitz.
What? I'm not Jewish! What are you so worried about, Jason? That I'll give everyone AIDS? - No, I just - Jason's got AIDS now! Don, stop it.
She's got AIDS now! Oh, my God! I've got AIDS! .
Try telling that to the millions of homosexuals who are killed every second just for being gay.
There's one.
There's another.
You know what you can do with your job, Jason? You can stick it where we gays make love.
And I do not mean the bedroom.
I'll give you one more warning.
But that's it.
- I'll think about it.
- What? OK, I'll stay.
And I'll forgive you.
I was really looking forward to my gay date with Jamie.
I decided to bunk off work early that afternoon and go home and prepare.
Can I have a word? Certainly, Samantha.
Which word would you like? Tell you what, take "vagina".
I won't be needing that any more.
Look, I just wanted to apologise for getting you caught up in our sibling rivalry.
You don't need to apologise.
I'm glad you did it.
What? I might've gone my whole life not knowing about my gayness.
But you did an amazing thing, despite it being a cruel, nasty joke for your own entertainment.
But you're not gay.
It makes so much sense.
Why have I never had a proper relationship before? Come on! You've had relationships, haven't you? That was great Janet? Josie? Look, Don, I've had a long, hard think and I just can't see a future for us.
It's only our first date.
Thanks.
This was great! I'm a gayman, Sam.
It explains my commitment issues and why I've always wondered what it would be like to cuddle Keanu Reeves in the nude.
I got them.
I have sex every day.
With yourself.
Yes, with myself.
And at no point do I ever go, "Oh, my God! "There's a man's hand on my penis.
" - So? - So I clearly don't mind having a man's hand on my penis.
Yeah, because it's your hand.
It's still a man's hand, isn't it? And I like it.
Love it, in fact.
You wouldn't understand.
You're not a gayman.
Would you stop saying gayman, because it is not actually a word.
It must be.
It's like Englishman.
Or Dutchman.
Or German-man.
No, it's not, because an Englishman is from England.
You are not from Gayland.
There's no such thing.
Isn't there? I mean, there are gaylords.
And you can't have lords without a land.
Come! Oh, Jamie.
Stop it.
You're not meant to see me yet.
My God! Jamie, come on.
Let's leave him to it.
I'll be waiting downstairs.
OK, sweet cheeks.
Right.
Come on, what have you got for me? I can tell you're in a mood, Eddie Singh.
What is it? You used to call me "sweet cheeks".
What you and I have is platonic.
You're not my type.
You look like an overgrown baby.
What are you wearing, Don? - What do you mean? - Those clothes.
Well, this is just how I roll now.
- And so I was on my first gay date.
- Good luck.
We went for dinner, but I insisted we leave early, because I'm out now.
I wanna go to a gay restaurant.
You know? Where there's gay people.
And gay food.
Being gay doesn't automatically mean you only go to gay places, Don.
I know what this is about.
You've got a thing for straights, haven't you? What? I was straight when you met me.
Then tonight you take me to a straight restaurant.
And flirted with the straight waiter.
But I told you, I was just being polite.
Polite? I got a girl pregnant once by being polite.
You wanna go where there's gays? I think I know somewhere open.
But just relax! OK.
I'm relaxed.
We're queer, we're here, get used to it! Oh, God.
- What's up? - That's just reminded me that Don's on a date with my brother.
It's actually making me feel a bit queasy.
It's like catching your annoying uncle in bed with your dad or something.
Oh, dear.
What, that happened to you too? That was a strange Christmas.
I mean, Don is simply not gay.
I must say, it all does seem a little odd.
What exactly are you making, Eddie? Saucisse de poulet.
- A what? - Oh, a chicken sausage.
- Why are they all staring at us? - They're checking us out.
They're so blatant.
All right, mate? All right? You get the drinks in.
I'm going for a slash.
Be quick! Two beers, please.
So shall we go, then? - Sorry? - I'm not.
I'm horny, though.
What, you and me? Just like that? something better? - No, it's just, well, we haven't met.
- Don't you like to talk first? - Why would I wanna do that? - Gays are so much better than women.
- Come on, then.
Back the truck up a minute, gayman.
I've only just come out.
- I don't care what time you got here.
- No, no.
I mean out.
Of the closet, yeah? How sweet.
- How about a dance? - I didn't do dance when I was straight, I'm not about to start danc What are you doing? He's with me.
Get lost.
- Actually - I said, he's with me.
Now turn around or I'll kick the shit out of you.
He's all yours.
Come back, I beg of you! I'm telling you, in all my years on the straight circuit, I have never, ever had two women fight over me like that.
It has done wonders for my confidence.
That was just a bar where people go to get laid.
Not all gays are like that.
Some are interested in having a monogamous relationship.
What's the point in that? You may as well be straight.
Don, I'm not convinced you're gay.
I am.
I am.
Look, I'm gay.
Come on.
You fancy men? I fancy Keanu Reeves.
But not me? I'm just a bit nervous.
You know, this is very new to me.
Do you need me to help you? That'd be nice.
Right.
Straight for the Johnson? Now, I know what you're thinking.
Actually, I don't know what you're thinking.
But I'll talk you through what I'm thinking.
Oh, my God.
I'm getting a blowy from a man.
A fella.
A gay.
Shit, what am I doing? This is Samantha's brother.
Do it to me, Samantha.
Oh, God, that's good, yes.
Hang on.
What am I doing? I'm sorry, I can't do this.
- What? - I'm sorry, I'm not gay.
I guess I just needed a man to suck me off to work it out.
I'm so sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm gonna go.
Up to Sam's room.
Sorry.
Oh, God! - Hey, Don.
- Jon Bon Jesus! How long have you been there? Most of the evening.
You don't say a word about the blowy, not to anyone, right? Abso-lulu.
Not a word about the blowy.
- I can't believe what you did! - What? I didn't do anything.
What did he say? That you finally admitted you weren't homosexual.
What, and that was all he said? I knew you weren't.
I can't believe you made all that stuff up.
I didn't make it up.
I honestly thought I might be.
I'm going through an experimental phase.
But you'll be pleased to know I am now definitely a ladies' man.
That's ridiculous.
Your brother just brushed his teeth with Don's penis.
Very weird.