Human Resources (2022) s02e04 Episode Script

1
Now serving D46 at counter three.
Now serving D46 at counter three.
Ugh, the DMV fucking sucks.
Totally, Van.
What a hot and sexy take. Say more.
What's up with you today?
Nothing-uh.
I mean, Van is just, like, so fascinating.
No? I-I think so.
Take it easy, Emmy.
Oh, I'm very easy. Everybody knows it.
- Ugh, it's Ben.
- Ooh, it's Ben! The urinal guy!
"You around tonight?"
"Wanna martini emoji?"
All right, we need an excuse.
You're out of town.
You've got an aunt thing in Colorado.
- Got it. "Aunt thing."
- Wait. What's an "aunt thing"?
No one knows. It sounds specific,
but it conveys nothing.
We've used it to bail on so many people.
Yeah, no, no, it makes sense.
Aunts are frail.
Um, but couldn't we also
just get the drink with Ben?
Definitely not.
But the dong did respectable work,
and he was sweet.
Mmm, nah.
- Now serving D47 at counter nine.
- Oh, that's me. Aunt thing sent.
Cool. Uh, we'll just be here then.
Uh, me and Van's exposed clavicle.
So, how have you been?
Since the last time I Since Since we
- Since we kissed?
- Kissed, yes kissed.
We When we were kissing.
I've been good. And kissing's fun.
I must say,
I do find you oddly compelling.
And I find you to be the prettiest
lady rock in the history of the world.
But you're too into me,
and I don't do
your Lovebug relationship thingies.
Well, that's cool, I'm not even
interested in a relationship, bro.
- Let's get married.
- Absolutely. Let's do it in Santa Barbara.
See? Too into me.
Okay, okay.
We're not getting married.
But, uh, can we still make out?
We'll see. But right now
I gotta go help Sarah.
Okay, I'll be here,
not wanting a relationship.
Little do you know,
I am such a good kisser,
you will want to marry me.
Woo-woo!
That's just the way you make me feel ♪
That's just the way you make me feel ♪
- That's just the way you make me feel ♪
- That's just the way you make me feel ♪
A-ha
So good, so good, so fuckin' real ♪
- So good, so good, so fuckin' real ♪
- A-ha ♪
That's just the way you make me feel ♪
That's just the way you make me feel ♪
It's like I'm powerful
With a little bit of tender ♪
An emotional, sexual bender ♪
Mess me up, yeah
But no one does it better ♪
There's nothing better ♪
That's just the way you make me feel ♪
- First day. You nervous?
- No.
- Well, don't be.
- I'm not.
Good, because it's just an internship.
It doesn't even count.
I mean, it's like you're barely
even a Shame Wizard.
- I am too a Shame Wizard.
- Okay, fine.
- You said you'd respect my choice.
- It's a bad choice though.
- You promised.
- I know.
Hey! Shut the hell up!
Montel, I think you're gonna be
a lovely Shame Wizard.
Thank you, Connie Mommy.
You're my favorite.
- Goes without saying.
- "Goes without saying." Blech.
There they are.
- All right!
- It's our coach.
That's right. Happy softball season,
A-Rods and A-Holes.
- And there's our star slugger.
- Say, Joe, knuckle me a donut.
Mm-hmm. Here comes a heater.
- Yeah.
- There you go.
And that's how we're gonna do it
this season. But with a ball.
Hell yeah!
So there's an office softball league?
- Yeah.
- How very pre-gig-economy.
Your mother is actually
a pretty legendary hitter.
Back in the Jazz Age,
she hit a ball so hard, it shat itself.
Now approaching the plate,
that hotsy-totsy dame
they call Lil Syphilis.
That's right, because her swing,
just like the infection,
is lethal in this era.
What in the F. Scott Shitzgerald?
Oh my God, it's a Great Shatsby.
That moment gave us all a little hope
in a time of
so much jazz.
There you are. My uncompensated protégé.
- Tell me, can you play shortstop?
- Whatever you need, boss.
Connie Mommy, look.
I'm a hot little slice of Americana,
just like you.
Oh, you play on whichever team
you want, okay, baby?
Okay.
But if you play against me,
I'll make you shit like a ball.
- Oh.
- Have a good first day, kiddo.
Um, are you guys in there again?
- Get your stupid staples later, Ethan.
- Well, maybe I will.
- You're naughty.
- Not naughty, Pete. Hateful.
I hate Dante.
- Ooh!
- I hate that glitter-titted Hope.
Oh God, yeah.
And I hate that you're still wearing
that dorky little outfit of yours.
Oh, uh That was a $30 tie,
but, you know what,
whatever the lady likes.
Well, the lady would like you
dick naked and cheeks up, now.
Hoo!
Now that's what I call intercourse.
All right, Pete. I'm out.
Bring that rubble butt
back here at lunchtime.
Um
Speaking of my buttocks,
I was thinking about, uh, you know,
other things you could bite,
like, I don't know, a nice meal sometime?
A what?
Well, uh, maybe even two meals.
Vigorous coitus demands nutrients.
No dates.
That's not how hate-fucking works.
Oh, uh, "hate-fucking." I see.
Look, when you're a worm,
all fuckin' is hate-fuckin'.
- It's not personal.
- Oh! Heh.
"Not personal." Uh, so you don't hate me?
- Not particularly.
- Well, heh, cool beans then.
Yeah, cool beans, Pete.
Okay, well, I'm gonna, uh, go urinate,
so I don't get a UTI.
I suggest you do the same.
Hey, Pete, do these shiny lips
make you wanna kiss
and eventually marry me?
- Uh
- I mean, if you were Van.
Ohh, I see. Sounds like you two
are getting serious.
Oh, you know. Kinda serious.
I mean, she keeps telling me
she doesn't want a relationship,
but I'm gonna show her how wrong she is.
- We're cute.
- Well, cheers.
You know, incidentally,
I also have romantic news about Rochelle.
Shut up. Tell me everything. Shut up!
Okay, okay, I'll tell you two things.
Supply closet and
ten minutes ago.
Holy holy shit!
Yeah. It's all happening.
Me in the relationship I've always wanted,
you getting back out there. Look at us go.
We're thriving this season.
Everything is coming up Pete and Emmy.
All right. Well, I'll let you return
to your seduction.
And I'll let you get back
to humping in storage.
Man, I love a sexy office romance.
Wait. "Office romance"?
- Huh?
- Oh my God, that's exactly what it is.
Emmy! Emmy! We have to get
to Creature Administrations
and report our workplace liaisons.
Cool, I'll meet you down there.
Hope there are forms.
Ho-ho, you won't be disappointed, friend.
There are so many forms.
Yeah, no, I'm goin' this way.
Yeah, that's it, Black Cloaks,
get better at the thing
you'll do in the game.
You know, the the thing.
Pathetic.
Of course they're not a real threat,
Moneyballs.
- But a little intel never hurts.
- Oh!
What's this now?
Yes, Montel. Never stop.
Oh, shit.
- Uh, here. You're gonna need all of this.
- Mm?
HGH? Bull steroids?
What is all this shit for?
It's Montel. They're good. Uh, too good.
They might even be
a better softball player than y
How dare!
Hey, if you're mad, then why did you do
the sexiest possible thing to me?
Ah!
It's all incredibly hot.
I I I don't know what to tell you.
Well, I don't need your stupid pills
to win this game.
- But, Connie
- Please observe.
Hey, Sonya, one softball shit
on the rocks, please.
Uh, we don't have softball shit.
Oh, my mistake and my apologies.
Why, pray tell,
don't you have softball shit?
Because it hasn't existed since the 1920s
when you hit that homer.
That will be all, Sonya. Thank you.
Point taken, okay? You're the best,
and I should not have questioned that.
Thank you, Maury.
Well, if you really wanna thank me,
you'll slap me around some more.
Maybe step on my nuts?
Yeah, all right.
Get those suckers on the bar,
and I'll get my Doc Martens.
Oh, hello, sleepy Sarah.
Hello, random sex man.
And, oh, hey, Van.
Fancy meeting you here
with my lips all glossed up and kissable.
They do look very wet.
But they're really just sticky.
- Time to skedaddle?
- Right. Skedaddle.
We skedaddle because we, as a collective,
don't give a shit about relationships,
even though it is nice
to have a partner to share your life with.
Emmy
What? I'm not talking about us.
I meant theoretically.
Where the hell is the door? Ow!
Oh my God. Shit. I-I'm so sorry.
I was getting water.
I didn't even see you. Sarah?
- Ben?
- It's Ben! Ben's here!
What the fuck?
- What the fuck me?
- Uh, this is my home.
So what the fuck you, actually.
Wha Oh God, this is the same apartment.
Which we could not have known.
Every dude lives in this apartment.
Uh, so, are you stalking me or something?
Ew, no! I I was just
I, um
went home with some guy,
and it turns out he's your roommate.
Oh, wow. With Cody?
Yep, I know. I'm an asshole.
Uh, I'm getting an Uber and leaving.
So I guess your "aunt thing"
was just not wanting to hang out with me?
- Aw, Sarah, he's sad.
- Who cares?
Shit. Um
It's a 57-minute wait and it's raining.
Can I take this CVS bag
so I can put it on my head?
Wow. Fine. Keep it.
No, that's not what I
Look, I'll just give you a ride.
I'm sorry. I like him.
I like when they provide services.
You know, you could have sat up front.
It's cool. Just thought
I'd keep it professional.
Ugh, I really am sorry
about the "aunt thing" thing.
Ew, why are you apologizing?
And if it makes you feel any better,
Cody sucks at sex.
That
That does help a little bit.
- You should talk to him about that.
- Actually, I don't think I will.
- Vibe. Sarah, the vibe is back.
- Is not, shut up.
Hey, can I ask you something weird?
Uh, okay?
That night that we were together,
did you steal my deodorant?
- She did. She's wearing it.
- That's crazy and weird.
Why Why would I want your deodorant?
I I don't know. Why would you be
in my kitchen at 1:00 a.m.?
- Like, are you obsessed with me?
- Definitely not, dude.
Or do you wanna murder me?
- We don't. You're hot.
- I promise it's neither.
But this ride was very kind,
and I guess I'm glad I ran into you.
Arriving at your destination.
- Okay, well, uh, have a good
- We should try one date.
- What?!
- Wait, right? I can't tell anymore.
Knowing you has been very confusing,
but I find you oddly compelling.
- Oh my God.
- It's a coincidence.
Bitch, say yes.
- Nope. No, thank you.
- Um I I don't kno
- Ow! I I have to think.
- Nope. Come on.
- Good night.
- I'll text you.
Yeah, I'm sure you will.
I know you can't hear me, sir,
but I am gonna do
everything in my damn power
to help you double-dip that dick
in my girl.
Good morning.
I, uh, seek formal approval
to continue a workplace romance.
You'll find I've completed
all mandatory forms.
Oh, great. And now I get to process them.
Ugh, okay.
Concerned parties.
Pete Doheny. Rochelle Hillcrest.
Hillhurst.
The gorgeous, highly accomplished
worm on floor three.
I know what you're thinking,
how did I get so lucky?
I'm not thinking. Confirm that you are not
Ms. Hillhurst's supervisor.
Confirmed.
- Has there been any harassment?
- Oh, not at all.
Uh, although, her ass meant
a great deal to me when I first saw it.
Please, sir. I have a migraine.
- Sorry.
- Now, is this an exclusive relationship?
Oh, uh Well, no.
I would welcome that, of course,
but she's still getting over her
Do you discuss confidential
client information on dates?
"Dates," you said?
Dates.
Um, well, see, the thing is,
Rochelle would happily starve
before she'd sit in a restaurant with me.
That has been made clear.
So frankly, Mr. Questions,
I'm not sure to which "dates" you refer.
Okay, man.
I think you filled out the wrong form.
Okay, well,
now you're embarrassing yourself
because I do not fill out incorrect forms.
So please process my Form 7413B
for a Workplace Romance.
No, because you're supposed
to fill out a 7413D
for Sad Little Fuck-Puppets
Getting Used For Sex By Their Coworker.
It can't possibly say that on the
Oh my God, it does.
Please leave if you're going to cry.
My union says
I don't have to look at that.
O, spray tans are free ♪
At the place near my house ♪
When you pay for nine tans ♪
Then the tenth one is gratis ♪
And the girl's name is Claire ♪
And she has shiny hair ♪
She went to school with my mom ♪
But they weren't super close ♪
O, Claire doesn't ever ♪
Remember my name ♪
But her spray tans look sweet ♪
So I help pay her student loans ♪
Well done, Mr. Rick.
Let's play some basketball!
- USA!
- Woo-hoo!
This pitcher throws a sinker,
so remember, keep your eye on the ball.
She could even throw a change-up,
in which case, remember,
keep your eye on the ball.
I got it.
The hell?
Oh, hey, Mamas.
Lionel's got Montel pitching now too?
That filthy cheat.
That was not in the game plan
I stole from his office.
Here comes the first pitch.
Strike one.
Oh, my.
Strike two.
Connie can't strike out, right?
I mean, she never strikes out.
You know what she should do?
Keep her eye on
- She knows that, Gil.
- Ahh!
All right, I hope
you enjoyed playtime, baby.
Because Mama's gonna
put you to bed now.
Oh!
- Strike three!
- Oh, my gosh!
Holy shit! Mom, did you see that?
'Cause if you did,
you should've hit it.
Wow, just wow.
The unflappable Connie LaCienega
very much flapped at the top of the game.
Tyler! How can you eat nachos
at a time like this?
They're jalapeño nachos.
They make my semen muy picante.
Oh my God! I struck out.
That little fuckin' nobody's
trying to steal my game.
- You should have kept your eye
- Don't you
I know you're mad,
but you're making me hard
in front of the team.
- Okay, let's see here.
- Could we make this a quickie?
I want to get back for the 7th-inning
stretch-out-your-asshole.
- You got it, Mona.
- You called this meeting?
Why, yes, I did, and by the end of it,
you're gonna wanna go on a date.
Really? With you?
No, I meant Ben and Sarah,
but it's good to know you wanna date me.
- You're relentless.
- And a little delusional.
Sarah and Ben.
What the fuck? Emmy made a PowerPoint?
They've had not one, but two meet-cutes.
Some would call that a meet-two-t.
Some would call it fate.
Well, some would call fate
"very not real."
Logical objections, naturally.
All of which I've addressed
in my upcoming slides.
I'll show 'em to you, if you ask nicely.
All right, Boss Baby Emmy.
Show me your slides please.
What's going on with you two?
Why are you breathing
at each other so much?
As you can see in slide two,
human life is short,
which by Van's own logic,
means humans should, uh
- What was that rule again?
- Minimize pain, maximize pleasure.
Exactly. Well, guess what
I find pleasurable.
Love.
You think the urinal guy is true love?
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
I think he's new love.
Floaty, buzzy horniness
that's so loud you can't taste food.
- That's maximum pleasure.
- Yes to the date!
I got a pulse in my vag too.
Let's text what's-his-face.
Damn, Em. I had no idea
you could be so analytical.
Oh, it's always my pleasure
to analyze this.
Sexy fucking movie!
Fist each other right now, or I quit.
So, Van, what do you say? One date?
All right, one date.
But just to shut you up.
Baby, I'll take it.
Clits ahoy! Stick around, lesbians.
After this, more softball.
It's the bottom of the fourth,
and the Black Cloaks,
well, they could use a rally, honey.
All right, let's go, Black Cloaks.
Come on. Let's see her.
It's a pop fly.
But there seems to be
an open fly in the outfield.
- Lo siento, grass.
- Tyler! Eyes up, dick down.
Oh!
He's safe.
With that, the Black Cloaks
have three Wizards on base.
Not unlike Les Claypool,
Sir Paul McCartney,
and Flea from the Red Hot Chili Peppers.
That's three wizards
on bass.
Oh God. The time has come.
Gil, hand me my anal beads.
Hail Mary, full of grace,
the long dong is with thee.
Montel LaBeverley
steps up to the plate.
Do your thing, rookie.
Psst! Montel!
I hear Joe's gonna throw a slider.
Good luck, sugar.
Aw, thanks, Connie Mommy.
You lyin', big-haired bitch.
Geena Davis Christ,
the ball seems to be shitting.
And pissing.
This is a softball first.
It's going, going,
it's in a
toxic-onscreen-marriage-to-Ben-Affleck,
Gone Girl!
Grand slam, thank you, ma'am!
I'm God! Sports are everything to me!
Oh, hey, Mama M.
Gil, put these back in my ass, please.
Hey, Tyler. Get over here,
and bring your spicy sack with you.
Okay.
Mama got a plan.
I love your choice of venue.
Very romantic.
Yeah, I hope it isn't weird
that I used to fuck a lot of these dogs.
Hey, New York's a small town.
It was bound to happen.
Okay, Ben.
Rolling with the bestiality joke.
I guess he is kinda fun.
Do you do that sleeve thing every time?
The windshield wipe? Oh, yeah.
I've always prided myself
on a clean mustache.
- Since sixth grade.
- Hang on. Sixth grade?
Eleven years old, full Tom Selleck.
Oh, this is very gorgeous.
Oh, yeah. Pediatricians were puzzled.
Someone wrote a paper about me.
- Whoa, buddy.
- Oh, shit.
Gotta keep that thing clean, right?
Yes! Hell yes! Cute. Hot. Admit.
Admit what?
That fate is real, and love conquers all?
No, none of that. Relax.
I just meant tonight's a good night.
Okay, yeah
I guess Sarah is having a good time.
- Just Sarah?
- Well, me too.
You want real tween tragedy?
Strap in for my emo phase.
Very spooky.
I got mall-arrested
for stealing that spiky bracelet.
Oh, wow.
My mom made me wear pastels for a month
as a punishment.
- Diabolical. I like your mom.
- Yeah.
Wait. What did he say?
Oh, uh, unless no? Do we hate her?
Dude, none of your business.
What? What's going on?
Why is my mouth empty?
Yeah, my my mom and I Can we
Can we talk about something else, please?
Oh, of course. No, uh, sorry.
A-Absolutely.
- I'm just gonna
- Oh, right. I'll I can un-touch you.
Wait, Sarah,
what's the drama with your mama?
- Not now, Emmy.
- But you're being so weird.
We were having a good time. Wait, what?
This was stupid. So stupid.
Fucking dog shit everywhere.
Van? No. What the hell are you doing
with those rocks?
- Everything's fine. Just rela
- Don't fucking tell me to relax.
Okay, fine.
Well, folks, the Stiff Sox
have clawed their way back to the lead
and are just one out away from victory.
But with a big hit,
Montel LaBeverley
could win it all for the Black Cloaks.
Hey, batter, batter, batter!
I love you, but please fuck up.
- Batter, batter, batter!
- Come on, intern! Play like we pay you.
- Here comes the
- Hey, slugger.
- Tyler?
- Hot-sauce delivery.
It's from my balls.
No!
Why?! Why?!
Oh, jizz in the face.
- You're out.
- Oh, is that allowed?
How are there seeds in it?!
Unbelievable!
The Hormone Monsters
have Nancied their Kerrigan
and won it all.
We did it, Connie. Great plan.
Was that a gooey Gillooly or what?
Nice work, kid.
Oh my God, Connie, you saved the day!
I mean, you won the game!
I mean, you had our child attacked,
which is awful.
See? I I I got there. I got there.
Another raspberry.
- You sure about that, big guy?
- Of course. Hey, I'm celebrating.
I'm Rochelle's certified rent-a-hole,
so cheers to me.
Oh, by all means, stare.
Look me in the eyes, please,
because Lord knows Rochelle won't.
Hey, Pete, I think I know
what's gonna happen when I ask this,
but, you okay?
Yeah. What I thought.
I know some people look at me
and see some big tough rock
with huge muscles that are also rocks
Sure.
but underneath that,
I'm actually a pretty sensitive guy.
I do see that now.
A sensitive guy and a Hate Worm.
That's tricky math.
Yeah, so what do you think I should do
if I want a real romance
but she only wants hate sex?
- Get a doll?
- What?
You know, a doll that looks like her,
and I pretend it says nice things.
I think what you do
is tell her the truth, Pete.
Say what you need.
But she could say no
and I could lose her entirely.
Well, that's the risk.
If you don't wanna take it,
you can just keep being
a "Sad Little Fuck-Puppet."
No, Pete Doheny is more than a 7413D.
I'm gonna tell her how I feel.
- That's what I'm talking about.
- Hoo!
That felt good.
I, uh, do have other hard copies.
Plus digital backups,
both cloud and local, but, uh Hoo!
- All right. Hey!
- Yeah!
Victory circle jerk. Let's go, you two.
Be right with you, Joe. I, uh, wanna go
shake hands with the losers first.
Not me, I wanna jack off my teammates.
Got you a Shamey Temple.
Your fav
How dare!
How could you, Connie, pay him, Tyler,
to I, Tonya me, Montel?
Oh my God. Stop, stop, stop.
Don't even try shaming me.
It is not gonna work.
Pardon me.
Professional curiosity.
You're not ashamed
for temporarily blinding your own child?
No, I am not.
Monty, I love you, and I love lovin' you.
But today, you almost surpassed me
at something I care about,
and I just couldn't let that happen.
Because if I surpassed you,
you'd have to stop lovin' me?
Exactly.
So I took a hit out on you,
and now we can be a family again.
- Come here, honey.
- Oh, this is very fucked up.
Somehow, I feel shame
for ever being good at softball.
How did you do that?
- You got all your talent from me, baby.
- Oh!
I love you, you psycho bitch.
So, yeah, that's why
I stopped cutting my own hair.
- Crazy, right?
- Yeah, crazy.
Come on, Sarah.
Why are you shutting him out?
I'm sorry again about before,
if I pried about your mom.
- It's fine. You didn't do anything wrong.
- Yeah, exactly. He's a good man.
- A mighty, mighty good man.
- Jesus, can you talk normal?
I'm just saying,
I don't get what the problem is.
Maybe you're the problem.
Me? You're building a wall.
A literal emotional wall.
Is it made of you, by the way?
Or are you pooing it?
I don't know, I feel like that would hurt.
Sarah, we never should've listened
to her. I'm sorry.
Whoa, hi. I'm right here.
Look, I don't know what the big deal
about your mom is, but
It's not about her mom.
So drop it, Emmy, okay?
Look, I I'm sorry
if I pushed too hard. I just
I wanted something great for you.
I wanted something great for all of us.
I I really thought it could be great.
Well, you thought wrong.
What's happening?
Why are you being so mean?
Fuck feelings
Swear that shit ruined my life ♪
All they ever do is just waste my time ♪
Fuck feelings
Swear that shit ruined my life ♪
No, they never do me right ♪
Fuck feelings
How I do when I'm feeling it for you ♪
Fuck feelings, fuck feelings ♪
Fuck feelings, fuck what I'm feeling ♪
I can't help myself when you're around ♪
Baby, I'm just tryna figure you out ♪
I don't wanna watch you turn me down ♪
So I'm just gonna turn back
And go now, go now ♪
I can't just let go
No, it's not like that ♪
I know if I see you
I'll run right back ♪