iCarly s02e04 Episode Script

In five, four, three, two-- Hey, if you're looking at your computer screen right now-- and you see Carly and me-- --then, congratulations-- --You're watching "iCarly.
" However-- if you're looking into your toilet bowl right now-- --and you see a live monkey speaking Spanish-- --you're hallucinating.
Oh.
Oh.
Okay.
Lately, we've been getting some comments here at iCarly.
com-- saying we should use the power of "iCarly" to talk about some serious issues.
So here to discuss the importance of recycling-- say hello to the tallest guy who lives in Carly's apartment building, Dave.
Yeah.
So, Dave.
Yeah? You're pretty tall.
That's right.
And do you feel that recycling is important? Sure.
Well, there you have it.
Recycling is important.
Bye, Dave.
See ya.
Bye.
He petted our heads.
We love that.
Okay.
Next Sam and I have a little surprise for you guys.
It's one of the most popular things we do here at "iCarly.
" Okay, Freddie, switch to your little tripod camera and come tell the people how it's gonna work.
Switchin' to the b-cam.
Hey, it's me, Freddie.
They don't care.
Just tell 'em the bit.
Well, a couple of my friends in the a-v club figured out how to rig a muffin basket with a confetti cannon.
'Cause unfortunately, most muffin baskets usually don't come with a confetti cannon.
It's sad.
But, lucky for us, Freddie and his a-v friends-- I call them "dorks"-- --were able to figure it all out.
Please enjoy this demonstration that I shot of the muffin basket with Carly's brother Spencer.
Doodlee, doodlee, doodlee, do.
Oh, look, a muffin basket.
What a surprise.
Well, I'm sure there's nothing unusual about these muffins, so I'll just have one.
Oh, no.
I wasn't expecting that.
And that's how it works.
You see, the confetti blast is powered by a small, pressurized air canister, which propels-- knock-knock.
Who's there? Not you.
Okay.
And now it's time to mess with Lewbert.
He's gonna be so freaked out-- and you get to see it happen live.
Ready, Freddie? Goin' live to the Lewbert cam.
There he is, downstairs in the lobby.
The meanest, nastiest doorman in Seattle.
Cleaning his fingernails with a fork.
Poor fork.
And now, I'll use this walkie-talkie to call our friend, mark, who's waiting right outside the lobby.
Mark's a senior.
Bring in the muffin basket.
Copy that.
What? Hey, who's this for? Hey.
Hey.
Hey.
Fudge bag.
The muffin basket is in place.
Muffins? Well, don't mind if I do.
And now, time for a confetti surprise.
Hit it.
Ah.
We're gonna go make sure he's okay.
So, until we're back-- --please enjoy this video of a bunny eating peanut butter.
Freddie, cue the bunny video.
Okay.
In five, four, three, two-- I know, you see somehow the world will change for me and be so wonderful live life, breathe air I know somehow we're gonna get there and feel so wonderful it's all for real I'm telling you just how I feel so wake up the members of my nation it's your time to be there's no chance unless you take one every time just see the brighter side of every situation some things are meant to be so give it your best and leave the rest to me leave it all to me leave it all to me just leave it all to me Oh my God.
What happened? Nothing.
No one can prove anything.
Our muffin basket exploded.
And Lewbert got knocked out.
Here, move.
Let me see if I can get him to come to.
Lewbert.
Hey, Lewbert.
Talk to me, Lewb.
Can you speak? Lewbert.
Aauggh! Uh-oh.
His wart.
What about his wart? Where is it? Whoa, it's gone.
Oh, man.
We blew his wart off.
How'd this happen? Well, we were filming our Web show and-- he fell.
He just fell right down.
Clumsy Lewbert.
He fell, but what happened-- this is no time for questions.
Just fix him.
Aauggh! How is he? He might have some broken bones, possibly a concussion.
And I'm no dentist, but I think he might have gum disease.
Hey, let's get him up on the gurney.
Big guy.
Ah.
Wait.
My wart.
Where's my wart? Aaaaah! What? It's on your shoe.
Oh.
Aaaaah! I want my wart.
He wants his wart.
Hold still.
Hold still.
I'll get it.
Oh.
Here.
Thanks.
We better get this wart on ice.
Right.
We'll get your shoe back as soon-- keep it.
Right.
Yeah, my brother told me he talked to you.
Thank you so much for calling.
Lewbert's gonna be okay.
Well, not okay but at least back to the way he was before.
Good.
Yeah.
We could have been in so much trouble.
Can you ever think about anyone but yourself? I can, but I choose not to.
Carly, come look at this.
What? It's the video of the explosion.
And when you go slow-motion, you can totally see Lewbert's wart fly right off his face.
Eww, that's disgusting.
You wanna see it? Full screen, please.
Whoa.
Oh.
Uh-oh.
What up, giblets? Oh.
Is that Lewbert's doorman jacket? Yeah.
It's cute, right? Uh.
Well.
See, I volunteered to cover the front desk while he's laid up.
The doctor says he's gonna need to stay in bed for a least a week.
Oh.
I feel terrible.
You know we didn't mean to hurt him.
We just wanted to scare him enough to make him pee a little.
Yeah.
I know you didn't mean to blow him up.
But since you did, I want you guys to check in on him, like three or four times a day.
Get him anything he needs till he's back on his feet.
Helping take care of the man is the least we can do.
No kidding.
Oh.
All right.
I got to get going.
Do you want me to bring you lunch later? No.
I got ribs left over from last night.
You ate my ribs? I made the bones into a necklace.
Hi, Lewbert.
We just came down-- get out.
Okay, bye.
Wait.
We brought you some food.
I don't eat nothin' 'less it's dead.
Okay, I guess that's better than the other way around.
Oh, and, um, we got you these flowers.
Oh, hey, what'd you spend on these, 7.
95? Whoopty-doo.
I see they reattached your wart.
Yeah.
Well, I don't want any of you touchin' it.
No problem.
Eww.
We won't.
Well, if there's nothing else you need-- fluff my pillow.
Oh, sure.
Here, let me help you sit-- ah.
I can sit up.
Just fluff.
There.
How's that? Feed my lizard.
Huh? What? Huh? My lizard.
Feed him some bugs.
Where do I get the bugs? I usually just catch 'em in the corner over there.
If you put some honey in the palm of your hand, they'll crawl right up on you.
Where do I get the honey? Man, I got to do everything? Okay, calm down.
He'll get some bugs for your lizard.
Anything else you need? Yeah.
My foot itches.
Here's a fork.
Oh, yeah, ah.
Harder.
Sweet.
Oh.
Hello, Spencer.
Have you heard how Lewbert's feeling? Yeah, he's doing okay.
I've got the kids keeping an eye on him.
Oh, I think it's very nice of you to cover for Lewbert till he's feeling better.
Why is the counter wet and sticky? Oh, well, I have-- "wet and sticky is very icky.
"Sticky and wet makes mommy upset.
" I don't know how to respond to that.
Breaker one-nine, breaker one-nine, come back.
What is that? Oh, it's an old Cb radio.
I found it back there with Lewbert's stuff.
I just plugged it in, it works great.
A Cb radio, like the kind that truck drivers use to talk to each other? Yeah, you wanna try it? No.
Oh, come on, it's really fun.
All you do is- I don't like wireless transceivers.
Hello, all you truckers out there, this is the doorman, looking for someone to jaw with.
Hey, hey, hey there, doorman.
You got rockin' Rodney on this end.
Come on back.
Hey there, rockin' Rodney.
I'm new to the CB radio world and I was just-- how? Okay.
Your place is all clean-- Er.
I want some tomato juice.
Hey.
We've done everything you've asked us the past five days.
You might try saying "thanks" once.
You didn't install an air conditioner.
We don't have enough money to buy you an air conditioner.
You're just lucky Freddie's putting up that ceiling fan for you.
I'd feel lucky if I were drinking some tomato juice.
I'll get you some tomato juice.
Hallelujah.
Sam, hand me my needle-nose pliers.
Here you go.
This ain't tomato juice.
Then what is it? Nothin'.
I got to get some rest.
Okay.
Here's the remote that controls the fan.
Yeah.
Come on, let's get out of here.
Just call us if you need anything else.
I'm hot.
So turn on the fan.
What button? The green one.
I'm pressing the green one and nothing happens-- arrrrrr.
Bring him in.
Oh, easy.
Easy.
We're almost there.
Just a couple more steps.
All right.
Support my left side.
I am trying.
Mom, mom, I need you to go around.
Here.
And get him down from there.
Why are you so short? This place is disgusting.
Welcome back from the hospital.
Don't you mean welcome back from the hospital again? Come on.
We didn't mean to drop a ceiling fan on you.
I thought the brackets were secure.
Oh, you thought.
Well, maybe you should have checked twice.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, we thought we've checked it twice.
We got a wire up-- you--wait.
--On top of you.
Hey, hey, hey.
Would you children please stop upsetting this injured man.
Move away.
Shoo.
Oh, you poor thing.
You look awful.
He looked awful before the accident.
Sam.
I feel worse than I look.
Well, that's because your leg isn't properly elevated.
Oh, no, no, no, no.
Ohh.
Thank you, Mrs.
Benson.
Oh, please, call me Marissa.
Marissa.
Mm-hmm.
That's a pretty name.
Oh, thank you.
It's French.
It means honeysuckle.
Oh, I like honeysuckle.
Look, why don't you kids run along.
I'll look after Lewbert.
Oh, are you sure 'cause we-- bye.
Don't you think we should stay and help? Marissa, I was wondering.
Would you mind shaving my back? Oh, I would be delighted to shave your back.
Oh.
Well, bye.
Breaker, breaker, this is the doorman, looking for some Cb convo-sation.
Anybody out there pickin' up what I'm puttin' out, come on back.
Hey there, doorman.
You got porkchop on this end.
Come on.
Well, hey there, porkchop.
How you doin'? Doin' just fine.
Are you a trucker? One second.
Hey, hey, listen.
You're really not supposed to do that here in the lobby, okay? Thanks.
Sorry there, porkchop.
Anyway, no, I'm not a trucker but here's a joke for you.
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Man, I don't know.
Come on.
Anyone can roast beef but nobody can pea soup.
Thank you.
Hey, kid, seriously, you can't do that in here.
Take it outside, okay? Make me.
Hey.
Look, doorman, this channel is for truckers only so get off.
No.
This is a free country and I can talk on here all I wanna.
Boy, you don't wanna mess with the porkchop.
Quit that.
What if I don't? Hey, hey.
What's goin' on? Is he your son? Yeah.
Well, he's been playing racquetball in here even though I keep telling him to knock it off.
That's it.
You're grounded.
Yeah.
Hey, hey.
Hey, get off of me.
Get him off.
Get him off of me.
I'll get you.
Have fun locked in your room.
Morning, girls.
Check me out.
What? No belt.
And look--open-toed shoes.
Wow, you're an animal.
Yeah.
I thought your mom always makes you wear a belt and never lets you wear open-toed shoes.
Yeah, but since she's been takin' care of Lewbert, I can pretty much do whatever I want.
Last night, I slept with my socks on.
So? Just my socks.
Oh.
Uhh.
Augh.
Okay, but doesn't it bug you that your mom and Lewbert are practically dating? They're not dating.
She's just being a good nurse.
Oh, wake up and smell the boyfriend, Benson.
She's with him all the time.
I bet they've kissed.
They have not.
If his mom marries Lewbert, does that mean Freddie will have to kiss his wart good night? My mom will never marry Lewbert.
Okay.
Whatever you say.
Hey, you know, your mom was right, you really should wear a belt.
Why? So people can't do this.
Thanks.
Hey, hey, this is the doorman.
Who's out there in Cb radio land? Come on back to me.
Hey, you got the sledgehammer, come back.
Okay, mister sledgehammer, what do you get when you cross a rooster with a small dog? Huh? A cocka-poodle-doo.
Look, buddy, this channel ain't no place for comedians.
Is too.
Hey, sledgehammer, I think you're talkin' to the same old boy that was gettin' on my nerves the other day.
Oh, porkchop.
So nice to hear your voice again.
Hey, what you been doin'? Diggin' bugs outta your wife's ear? That tears it.
Where are you? You'll never find out.
You better hope we don't.
Hey, porkchop and sledgehammer, if you guys ever get married, will your last name be sledgechop or porkhammer? Oops.
The doorman will be right back.
Hey, sledgehammer and porkchop, if you wanna find the doorman, he works in an apartment building on the West Side of Kennedy square.
Chuck, put that down.
Yes, daddy.
You know, this is the best food I've had since I was in the hospital.
Oh, thank you, Lewbert.
More fish loaf? Well, I was kinda hopin' we could maybe get right to dessert? But I didn't make any dessert.
I don't know.
I'm lookin' at something pretty sweet.
Oh, Lewb.
To us.
Put the bows down.
What's up? Why do we have to-- you guys were right.
You were right, okay? My mom--she likes Lewbert.
Duuuh! Oh, well, maybe she-- no jokes, Puckett.
This is serious chizz.
Okay, calm down.
I can't.
How can I calm down when there's a possibility that Lewbert could become my daddy? Dude, we can fix this chizz.
How? Okay, think.
What's the most important thing in the world to your mom? Um, I don't know.
Soap? You.
You're her whole world.
Was.
Now she's spending every minute she can with Lewbert.
Yes, because he got hurt which brought out her motherly instincts.
So? So what if you got hurt? Yeah.
What? And I wrote down all your phone messages in here, which I organized into three piles.
From your mother, death threats, and death threats from your mother.
And here are your keys.
What's my Cb radio doin' there? Oh, I found it in the back so I was-- get out.
There you are, like a Captain at the helm of his ship.
Oh, Marissa, stop.
Here, let me rub some cream on your wart.
Oh, that'd be nice.
Mom, are you down here? I-- aaaaaah! Freddie--Freddie, oh, my baby.
Are you all right? Oh, no.
Hey, don't get any blood on my floor.
My son is hurt.
What's wrong with you? For one thing, I got a wart that needs cream on it.
Freddie may have a concussion.
Oh, come on.
We don't have time for this.
Our dinner reservations are in 20 minutes.
Well, you'll just have to go without me.
Yaaaaagghh! Freddie.
Oh my gosh.
Are you okay? What happened? He fell down the stairs probably because of these open-toed shoes.
Oh, you're probably right, oh.
Girls, help me get him to the elevator and up to the apartment so I can take care of him.
Oh, OK.
We got him.
What about me? I am sorry, Lewbert, but you are a mean, nasty man.
I cured your body but I can't cure your hideous personality.
Wait.
Can I at least get the recipe for your fish loaf? Come with me, Freddie.
Oh.
Wait.
Who's gonna rub cream on my wart? Would either of you girls-- gross.
Eww.
Oh, whatever.
Stay.
Hey.
Who are you clowns? Porkchop.
You the doorman? Yeah, I'm the doorman.
What of it? Oh, hey, hey, what's goin' on here, fellas?