Ideal (2005) s02e04 Episode Script

Judith? Judith? Judith! Mrs Coneybear.
-I didn't hear you coming up the stairs.
-Too busy shouting? Oh, yeah.
Soz about that.
-Everything all right? -No.
-I've been hearing strange noises.
-Me, too.
Starting to think this place is haunted.
Haunted? Yes, that's right.
It is.
-The spirits are not at rest in this house.
-Aren't they? -Bummer.
-I'll conduct a seance.
-You? -Here.
Tonight, at 7:30.
Yeah, the thing is there's a match on.
I shall see you at 7:30.
But it's Stockport versus Chelsea.
Anything could happen! Evil.
Jesus! -It's Captain Sunblock.
-Evil, eh? Why is everyone playing Grandma's Footsteps with me? -Is that your dole cheque? -Week and a half late.
I phoned DSS.
I said, ''Do you realise how long I've been with you?'' Right.
Well, now you can repay all that money you've been asking me to lend you.
But you never actually lent us any.
Okay.
Well, you can buy me a drink for a change.
Let's go to Horses.
Last thing you bought me was a can of Vimto, summer 1981 .
And you used my pocket money.
Look, it'll be a chance for us to have a drink together.
I'll admit you're me brother.
-Half brother.
-Well, buy us half then.
But I gotta tidy me room! Remember the 11th Commandment? Thou shalt not bother.
Hey, bro, remember that time in Ibiza '93 when I snorted that gear and me tears went red.
We're in.
Over.
MAN ON WALKIE TALKIE: Suspects have entered The Horses Public House.
Roger that.
-Okay.
So, we've got at least 20 minutes.
-Twenty minutes? -I drink a pint in ten me.
Twelve max -Ah, but it's lunchtime.
-You drink slower at lunchtime.
-I don't.
They could be back here in 10 minutes.
Well, they'll probably have a couple of pints, anyway.
-Still only 20 minutes.
-That's what I said in the first place! (MOCKINGLY) Oh, that's what I said Anyway, come on.
We've got to get on with it.
-What are you doing the report for now? -It's not a report.
It's Sudoku.
I'm sure I've gone wrong somewhere.
Yeah, you've got two 4s there, look.
Eh? - Ah.
- Do you want me to do it for you? -No, it's all right.
-Leave it, I'll do it for you later.
-I'll do it.
-No, thank you, you get on with your work.
Moz? It's Judith.
(WHISPERS) Sorry.
What's so special about this place, anyway? Well, Cartoon Head's been seen coming in and out of here a lot.
And the word is that the Head is involved in something big.
The trouble is, we don't know what it is, so -Bit of a long shot, innit? -Oh, yeah.
You know we nearly caught him a couple weeks ago, don't you? Oh, aye.
This fella stabbed to death in Burnage, the only witness was this old bid.
Saw Cartoon Head running away from the scene.
-You put him in for an ID parade, didn't you? -Oh, yeah, yeah.
We had him there.
In a lineup.
WIth all these other blokes in masks.
You know Mickey Mouse, Darth Vader, Postman Pat, one of them Mutant Ninja Turtles with the purple mask.
Donatello.
Yeah, anyway, so the old woman walks down the line, only picks out bleeding Goofy, don't she? -Ah, shit, man.
-We had to let Cartoon Head go.
Suspects being forcibly evicted from pub.
Repeat, suspects leaving pub.
Over.
Roger that.
Leaving now.
Over.
-Told you.
18 minutes.
-Excuse me, you said 10.
I said 20.
If it took 18, that's 20.
-No, it's not.
-Of course it is.
You round it up, not down.
-I round it down.
-Who rounds it down? I round it down.
Everyone rounds it down.
MOZ: It was unnecessary.
TROY: He shouldn't have called us English Patient.
I'm gonna nip in kitchen and iron me slip mats.
-You dick! You leave the door open? -No, you did! You know what you're like? - No.
What am I like? - You leave doors open.
And you get us chucked out The Horses.
Then you start an argument with that student barmaid.
You're thick.
She's clever.
- She's got letters after her name.
- So has me wife.
-GBH and ABH don't count.
-So have I.
Troy FM.
Best crank up me transmitter.
Coffee, me thinks, and perhaps a light bong.
Bugger me.
(WHOOPING) This is Troy FM.
92.
4, 5, 6, 6, 6 recurring FM You are never gonna believe We'll just be in and out, yeah? I wanna go buy that T-shirt.
-Oh, which one? The Poodle Christ one? -No.
-It says ''I reject myself.
'' -Oh, yeah.
In green.
That's great.
All right, Lee.
Asia.
-You two an item, then? -Yeah.
Yeah.
Tea for one.
I thought you were with China.
That was prehistoric history, mate.
Your band's still going then? Or have you finally faced up to truth? We've just done some gigs in Amsterdam.
We went down brilliant.
Ah, well, they tolerate owt there, don't they? -Heard you was having a baby.
-Having a big breakfast.
- Nicki's having a baby.
- So you're not involved then? She's had my input.
Now she wants to do the rest herself.
-She's living in sin with Sangita.
- She's not living in sin.
She's living in Swinton.
There's a world of difference.
-What made you split up, then? -Compatibility issues.
She wanted me to stop smoking, I wanted her to stop going on about it.
She's a Virgo with Libra rising.
I happen to think that astrology is a load of bollocks.
She likes watching X-Factor, I'd rather drink tramp's urine.
-And then there was the ottoman incident.
-Eh? She chucked an ottoman at us.
- China.
Jason.
It's perfect.
How long have you two been together? -Not long.
-Come in.
Come in.
The other two from Abba are already here.
Well, I, uh, think you all know each other.
-Hi.
-All right.
Hi.
-Hi.
You okay? -Great, yeah.
You? Yeah, yeah.
-All right.
-Cool.
- Same as.
-Thanks.
-Right.
Who fancies who? What Who fancies what? -Can you do -Can I have some of that -Can you -Can I get some Hang on, hang on.
Right, Lee.
What d'you fancy? -Quarter of skunk, if you've got it.
-Your spliff is my command.
You? -Two quarters for me, ta.
-No problemo.
Well.
This is nice.
- We're going down the Horses.
D'ya fancy it? - Maybe later.
- Leave you to your groupies for now.
- We're not groupies.
- See you in a month.
We're off on tour again.
- Oh aye? Sponsored by Relate? See yer.
TROY: You just want to see me fail, don't you! Just like the rest of them.
Ten years in Ibiza.
Fifteen years on the 102 so you can let me fail.
I don't fucking think so.
Mojo! Jesus Christ, look at the state of that.
A bloody death trap.
TV gone.
Brute force wins every time.
Blimey, it's the Ant Hill Mob.
And no, I ain't seen your Craig.
-He's turned up.
-Oh great, nice one.
But how I mean, where - He's dead.
- No.
God, no.
I'm sorry you found out about your brother.
Not found out.
I mean, I'm sorry that Just, sorry.
They discovered him in that boarded up chip shop on Pelham street -He'd been really badly battered.
-Battered? - But I thought he - Bastards stuck him in the deep fat fryer.
Shit! No need for that.
Just been to identify the body.
The lads come down to lend us a bit of support.
They took ages chipping off that batter, didn't they? Right bubbly batter it were an' all.
STEVE: That weren't what killed 'im, mind.
He'd been shot in the head.
They've not found the bullet.
In fact, he's not been seen since that day he was meant to be comin' round here.
Pity he never turned up.
I never met him.
I wish I had.
From the missing persons report in paper he sounded smashing.
Battered in a chip shop.
I don't know.
-I just want him to have some peace.
-Not mushy peas, either.
Sorry.
See you then, Steve.
Like I say, y'know.
I really am very soz.
Cheers, Moz.
Awful, what happened to his brother.
Wouldn't want that to happen to anybody else.
I hope you didn't leave any fingerprints in that batter.
Thought any more about our foolproof business proposition? Oh, not the kidnapping thing again! We've been through it.
I'm not interested.
Come on, Paul, wise up! Do you really want to see yourself reconstructed on Crimewatch? There's nowt to worry about.
So, are you in, or are you out? I'm out.
Out, out.
I'm as out as Elton John.
We're talkin' about a fuck of a lot of dosh here.
You'll regret it if you don't come in with us.
-Oh, no, I won't.
-Oh, yes, you will.
-What is this, panto? -It's 7:30.
Are you ready for me? Ah, Mrs Coneybear.
Come in.
See you, Morris.
Stay safe.
Thanks for coming and all, but I've been having second thoughts about the seance.
You know, talking to dead is a bit -morbid and nosy.
-Not at all.
My Eric's been dead nine years, but we natter more now than we ever did when he was alive.
And as I say, the spirits are not at rest in this flat.
No honestly, everything's fine.
It's just the electrics.
Been playing up all afternoon.
Honestly.
There's nothing strange here.
C'mon I'm sick of you.
Get up there.
Apart from Troy.
-See, we were gonna watch the match together.
-You all right, Mrs Coneybear? You locked yerself out again? Do you want me to come knock your door down, Wu Tang style? Somebody died here.
And their spirit needs to find peace.
Is there anybody out there? Wait, hang on.
She might have a point, there.
I mean, what harm can it do? Hi, hi.
Moz, Liam.
Liam, Moz.
Listenin' to match.
Isn't he scrummy? Brian, it's great timing.
We're just about to have a seance.
Quick chin-wag with ghosts.
Oh, I would have had myself waxed if I'd have known.
-Eh? -Well, psychic energy doesn't travel through hairy people.
Come on, everyone knows that.
Oh, shit! Oh yeah, I were gonna dish the dirt on yer new neighbour, weren't I? Eh? Oh yeah, what's all this about sweet little Judith having a dark side? She's like Thelma out of Scooby-Doo but without the edge.
Ah well.
This guy I know, Jeff, he's right scrummy, he works down mortuary on Chesham road.
And your friend Thelma used to work there and all.
But they had to dismiss her.
Improper conduct.
They reckoned her and corpses had been getting jiggy wi'it.
No way, Brian! That's utter bollocks and you know it.
Hey, it's gospel gossip, is this.
No way.
You know I fancy her and you just want to wind me up.
It was like when I said I fancied Jade off Big Brother.
-Telling me she was a man in drag.
-You don't really fancy Judith, do you? Oh You'd have to lie very still for her.
You'll be lying very still in a minute, if you carry on.
Should we just take a quick peek at match and then -we'll talk to dead.
- Everyone sit down, please.
-Right.
Shall we get cracking? -No.
-We're in wait for one more.
-How do you know that? You psychic? Ah, they're here.
-Hi, Moz, how are you? -Alive and well, thanks.
I thought you were ignoring me.
I came over at lunchtime.
-Lunchtime? -Oh, I went for a pint with our Troy.
That's 20 minutes.
I won't get back.
I knocked at the door.
And I thought I saw someone through the glass.
Moving around in the flat.
What'd he look like? Insubstatial? Spectral? With glasses? I don't know.
Sorry.
It was just a shape.
A person-shaped shape.
Could have been Troy's shadow.
Even that refuses to go anywhere with him.
I don't know if I mentioned this, but I'm doing a catering course, and, um, this is silly, really, I wondered if you don't mind tasting these cakes.
Tell me what you think.
I don't mind if you hate them.
Cakes? Oh, nicely, nicely.
MRS CONEYBEAR: Please, bring in your guest.
We're just having a seance.
Come on, there's still a couple of stand-by seats available.
- Oh no, I don't think - Come on.
The dead are not happy in this house.
It's difficult being happy when you're dead, though, innit? I haven't done anything like this before.
-You could use it as a dating agency.
- What? There's someone here who wants to speak with us.
Someone who is brutally battered.
Yeah well, tell 'em they don't need to go into any real detail.
Oh yeah, they found that bloke battered in that chip shop, didn't they? Be funny if it were him.
I reckon they did it just for the halibut.
-Brian, you're not on CrackerJack! -It's a seance.
Lighten up.
(IN CHILD'S VOICE) My name is Marie.
I'm the little match girl.
I'm ten years old.
Back in Victorian times.
Hang on, love, I thought these houses were put up in '40s.
No.
They're Victorian.
Don't get lippy with the spirits.
(AS MARIE) There is someone else present in this house.
BRIAN: Lights have gone out.
- What's going on? - It's a sign.
Yeah, a sign that the electrics need fixing.
-What was that? -Oh, don't break the circle.
Think of Marie.
Ooh! Scary, scary! Ah! The pain, the pain! -He's possessed! -I'm burning! It's hell! I spilled me coffee on me tackle! These are delicious.
I don't know how you do it.
Everything I cook tastes like beans on toast.
- Cause everything you cook is beans on toast? - Yeah.
These are too dry.
Sorry.
I don't know why I started this course in the first place.
Hey, don't go down on yourself.
Don't be down on yourself.
I know perfection when I see it.
I'm looking at it right now.
I, er, I got some magic mushrooms to bake in biscuits.
I don't really do trips any more.
Last trip I did, I really lost it.
Nicki come in and caught us butchering the toaster.
Um, I bought them for you, so Are you still there? Moz, um, I don't want a relationship with you.
Sorry.
Have you got ridiculously high standards.
It's nothing personal.
I don't want a relationship with anybody.
I'm happy on my own.
Alright.
I thought for a minute that you were gonna say What? No.
Soz.
Just some rubbish Brian was saying about you losing your job down at mortuary.
He said I'm a necrophiliac, did he? Yeah.
He's a right bitch, isn't he? Well, um, actually Chelsea 9, Stockport 0.
We were robbed.
-Can I have a cake? -No.
He's got a pregnant girlfriend, you know.
- Now can I have a cake? - No.
Sorry.
-What were you saying before Pac Man come in? - Oh, um.
I don't remember.
Sorry.
Oh yeah, Brian.
Saying you were a body bag botherer.
Soz about that.
I don't know why I didn't chuck him out.
I mean, apart from it being utter bollocks, it's rude.
It's rude bollocks.
It's true.
I'm a necrophiliac.
Ithought you were gonna put a spin on it, but you didn't.
It could be worse.
You could be a goth.
I did have a boyfriend once.
But I couldn't make myself vulnerable like that.
I tried ordinary sex, But it disgusts me.
Does it? Oh, well, each to their own, I suppose.
I just couldn't see meself shuffling in an out with somebody else's mortal coil.
I mean, how do you? -You don't want to know the details.
-No, I do.
Wellmaybe I don't.
No.
-Yeah.
Yeah, I do.
I do.
Tell me.
- Well, I start Please don't tell me.
Thanks for, um, not freaking out.
No worries.
- I'm gonna to go to bed.
I'm knackered.
- Me too.
Dead on me feet.
I mean, tired.
I'm tired.
You You did wash your hands before you made them cakes, didn't you? Of course.
Just because I'm a necrophiliac doesn't mean I'm unhygienic.
Yeah, of course.
Probably wash them more.
-Friends? -Yeah, friends.
There's only one way to cope with this.
Get so stoned I don't have to bother coping with it.
Necrophiliac! Its just my luck! Necrophiliac! Couldn't be a nymphomaniac, could she? No! I'd have settled for a haemophiliac.
Sudoku.
Nice one.