I'm Dying Up Here (2017) s02e04 Episode Script
The Mattresses
1 [ADAM.]
Previously on I'm Dying Up Here Roy Martin and I are opening another Goldie's, and I want you to open for him.
Who are you? Dawn Lima.
I just got in town.
Maybe you want to go - to dinner with me sometime? - Dinner? Mine was the Jewish joke you shit on.
I didn't shit on it.
It wasn't funny.
Oh, but the six other black jokes Those were hilarious.
Last month, we had Burt Reynolds on.
All the jokes weren't about him being white.
- What are you drinking? - Seven and Seven.
[PAM.]
Jesse's not her nephew.
He's her son.
[ROCK MUSIC.]
I don't have a rubber.
Hey, Cass.
We're gonna have to stop.
No, baby, it's okay.
[BOTH MOAN.]
It's okay.
[JAZZY PERCUSSION.]
[TRANQUIL MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS.]
It says this mattress was voted not just America's but the world's best night's sleep.
Mm.
How do we know there isn't a mattress somewhere in Luxembourg that makes this one feel like a bed of nails? - Hmm.
- [KEVIN.]
I doubt some communist country's mattress is gonna give you a better night's sleep than ours.
[EDDIE.]
Uh, Luxembourg isn't a communist country.
It's actually a parliamentary democracy.
- [CASSIE.]
Hmm.
- Here at Angel City Sleep, each pocket spring is individually wrapped, making for supreme comfort and support to ensure a sound night's sleep.
- Wow, you hear that? - Mm-hmm.
So are we just looky-looing, or are we sleepy-doing? Actually, Kev, I have a question for you.
How durable is this puppy? 'Cause we're into some pretty heavy-duty fucking.
- Pardon? - [EDDIE.]
Yeah, we're talking, uh, workman's comp-type intercourse, Kev.
[CASSIE.]
Yeah.
You know what? I should probably try it facedown, 'cause I want it firm enough to absorb Eddie's thrusts but not firm enough to leave a pattern on my face.
Mm, good call, hon.
Our last mattress, it looked like I was beating her with a waffle.
- [CASSIE.]
Ugh.
- [KEVIN.]
You coulda just said you needed a minute.
- [EDDIE.]
Mm-hmm.
- [CASSIE LAUGHS.]
- [EDDIE.]
Nice action here.
- [BOTH LAUGHING.]
Yeah, I don't think he likes us.
No one likes looky-looers.
Mm.
Well, what if we weren't looky-looers? Wh what are you saying? You want to buy a bed together? [CHUCKLES.]
I mean it's not so crazy.
Not after last night.
[CHUCKLES.]
No, not so crazy.
Hey, I am definitely not putting it all on you, because I was there too, but, uh[LAUGHS.]
I just I'm not exactly sure what decision it was we were making.
Yeah, I don't know.
Um I guess, uh, I just got caught up in the moment.
Hmm.
Well I think we could narrow it down to either love or insanity.
What's the difference again? One you do with your eyes open and the other with your eyes closed.
Okay.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
How about this? - On the count of three - Mm.
We either open or shut our eyes.
Love open, insanity shut.
Great idea.
When in doubt, fall back on science.
Okay.
- One[LAUGHS.]
- Mm-hmm.
Two [CLEARS THROAT.]
three.
[ BLUES MUSIC .]
I think we're sleepy-doers.
Mama told me [BREATHING HEAVILY.]
This day would surely come Holy shit.
I get it now.
[GLORIA LAUGHS.]
Get what, you fool? All of it.
God, the universe, the meaning of life.
Shit, what the president knew and when.
- [GLORIA LAUGHS.]
- Why some people like cats.
Oh, that was some Chariots of the Gods type shit right there.
Mm.
[GIGGLES.]
Oh, you can run away What are you doing? Uh, it's just, uh Just a idea.
- For your act? - Mm-hmm.
Adam, no.
You don't have sex with a woman and then write a joke about it.
It's not a joke! It's more like a area.
"Older woman magic pussy"? - What? Okay - Really? Okay, look, just hear me out.
Hear me out! Come on.
- [SIGHS.]
- Look.
With a younger woman, okay, you're going at it, thinking, - "This is nice.
" - Mm-hmm.
"I like sex.
I can see myself doing this again.
" But with you, it's It's like my dick went to Disneyland.
There's all these These rides and these moves and sounds and feelings.
You're new at compliments, aren't you? Shit, I'm new at everything, - to be honest.
- [LAUGHS.]
[WOMAN.]
They call it a light lunch, brunch.
[WOMAN.]
Yeah.
- [WOMAN.]
It's perfect.
- [WOMAN.]
Mm-hmm.
Fabulous.
We're so glad we finally got you here, Goldie.
And just think, all it took was your husband ignoring my permit requests.
[LAUGHTER.]
Well, you know, the-the wheels of progress - move slowly at City Hall.
- Mm.
[SADIE.]
Yeah, and Dan's been tied up.
You know, this new public library opening Is there anything we can do to get his nose out of those books? My papers have been sitting on his desk for quite a while now.
Uh, Goldie, we like to use these Auxiliary events as a chance to get away from business.
Oh.
So I suppose my business has nothing to do with why you invited me here, huh? Oh, come on.
I love coffee, salmon, and a 40-minute drive as much as the next gal, but can we cut to why I'm really here? You know what I need.
How about you put your cards on the table? [CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS.]
Well, we're chairing a telethon for cerebral palsy.
And you need a comedian.
[LAUGHTER.]
I mean, Jerry Lewis He really put muscular dystrophy on the map.
You should've called.
Could've saved yourself the spread.
- [SADIE.]
Oh - [GOLDIE.]
Hmm? Who you thinking? [SADIE.]
Roy Martin? [LAUGHS.]
Oh, Sadie.
Here I thought you were gonna give me some kind of challenge.
Well, you haven't heard the challenge part yet.
It's time-sensitive.
We need to know today.
It's not a problem.
- Oh.
- [BOTH LAUGH.]
Oh, my goodness.
That's great.
That's fantastic.
[LAUGHTER.]
[BREATHES DEEPLY.]
Shi, hai [GROANS.]
Fuck! All right, Phil.
Ah.
In aikido, the philosophy is to use the opponent's momentum rather than to initiate.
Well, it should be easy.
It's the philosophy of everything he does.
[ADAM.]
Hey, does Goldie know that you borrowed that outfit? Phil, could we cut to the part where you teach me how to kill two guys with one punch? In aikido, we learn to defend passively while also protecting our attacker from injury.
Sounds like a slightly more macho version of running away.
All right, Kwai Chang, when you can snatch the $50 per lesson from my hand, then it is time for you to leave.
See you later, Sensei Phil.
Having a party tomorrow night.
You had a party last night.
And the night before that.
No, that was the same party.
You probably fell asleep.
So you guys in? [ADAM.]
No, I can't.
I'm meeting Gloria over at the Beverly Wilshire.
Again with the hotel.
[ADAM.]
Okay, um, sex with Gloria or watch you coked out, singing "Louie Louie" naked with your penis tucked between your thighs.
That's my signature sign-off.
That's like when Carol Burnett tugs her earlobe.
Mm, not the same thing.
[ADAM.]
Nowhere near the same thing.
Yeah, it's sexier.
What about you, Tonto? And if you say you're gonna be with Cassie, I swear, I will fucking passive resistance the shit out of you.
I actually have a meeting with Roy.
And I'm meeting Cassie.
W-what's with you? You really want to spend the prime of your youth with just Cassie? My parents took us to Maine every summer, okay? I get it.
But now you can mix it up, see Europe.
And I'm sure Gloria's great, and her stories about what it was like to be around when they pioneered steam are real grabbers, but you're her boy toy! Come on, don't you deserve the same freedom? I'm not her boy toy, first of all, all right? It's more than that.
Dude, she's never even had you over to her house.
Trust me, yours is not the only flower in that vase.
I mean, come on, man! You guys are celebrity-adjacent! Let's take some of my forward momentum and have some fucking fun, huh? Hey, I know they're the same, but, um, I think that robe's actually mine.
Hey, dude, you don't fucking live here.
And, uh, FYI, I fired the pool guy.
You fucking robbing me? No.
I couldn't remember your name.
[LAUGHS.]
How the hell you not remember Alvira? [LAUGHS.]
I don't know.
[GROANS.]
Uh-oh.
You some Jesus freak? Preacher's daughter.
It's the price of doing business.
You got a problem with that? Shit, no.
Some of my best friends hate themselves.
Hey[SUCKS TEETH.]
I'm messing with you is all.
Come here.
Nah, um, I can't.
I gotta be somewhere.
[WATER RUNNING.]
[RAPID KNOCKING AT DOOR.]
[ANNOUNCER SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY OVER RADIO.]
What the fuck? [KNOCKING CONTINUES.]
Yeah, yeah.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
[CHUCKLES.]
Hey.
Oh.
Mm.
Wait, wait, wait.
Is it your birthday or mine? Oh.
Birthday boy.
[SIGHS.]
[ROY.]
"Last night, I called the suicide hotline and I really connected with the operator.
Next week, we're gonna get together and take in some carbon monoxide.
" How much is Goldie paying you to fuck my career? What, you don't think people will find that funny? The only thing funny is that you think there'll be people left after that joke.
- Come on.
- [EDDIE.]
All right, all right.
[LAUGHS.]
Taffy, you fat bastard! Stay still.
You're fucking up the tides.
[ROY LAUGHS.]
He doesn't speak Vegas, so Eddie, would you give us a couple minutes? Oh, right.
Uh, you sure? No, stay and chaperone.
Get the fuck out.
Yeah.
Just be over there.
[SIGHS.]
What happened to our arrangement? We only talked a couple times.
It's hardly a fucking arrangement, Taff.
What's the damage? Get your umbrella out.
We're calling in your markers.
Everything? When? Two days.
I can't still work it off? [TAFFY.]
Service contract's been terminated.
[ROY.]
Come on, bullshit.
- It's me, Taffy.
- They're serious, Roy.
Most likely, the only thing you got left in Vegas: couple paternity suits when you get back.
Right, so they're gonna cut off their noses for 200 grand? Come on, that's farkakte money.
It's not about that.
Twenty percent.
Half of what she's giving you.
And then Vegas what? Hmm? They step aside? - No strings? - Come on.
We're in the strings business, for fuck's sake.
We're going in on the kids, Roy.
With you, without you.
Okay, look, she-she's not gonna go for it.
Fuck Goldie, all right? We're not talking about her share.
She's got no say in this.
Look, Roy, listen.
It's this easy.
If stupidity is a stumbling block, then it is what it is.
But if it's a matter of greed Everybody likes you, Roy.
$236,000 cash or your 20.
I mean, Jesus, what is it with you and this broad? [CLEARS THROAT.]
Nada.
So just one second, hold on.
What? He's not in his hotel.
I checked the bars.
All right, you ask Eddie? That's where the mystery thickens.
Can't find Eddie either.
And here's where my patience thins.
Get the fuck out and keep looking.
Yeah, okay.
What? I can do the telethon if you're in a pinch.
I got a cousin that, uh, has cerebral palsy.
Crack jokes about her all the time.
Just putting it out there.
Well, put it back.
Yeah oh, oh, and get Bill in here - while you're at it.
- A'ight.
[FAINT MOANING.]
[LOUDER MOANING.]
The f - Oh, shit.
- [MOANS.]
- [BILL.]
My, my.
- God damn it! Steve Garvey hit for the cycle last night.
- What the fuck? - [CLEARS THROAT.]
[BILL.]
I know.
Man, he has some hairy forearms.
You know? He's like a Romanian gymnast.
[CHUCKLES.]
Oh, hi, sorry.
I didn't see you there, fucking in my bed.
[GRUNTS EXASPERATEDLY.]
Look, I know it's weird with him watching, but how else is he gonna learn? Well, since we're all together, why don't we go over some basic guest etiquette? Like, there's no fucking in my bed, ever.
Sorry, man, I thought that was only for you.
Okay, you mind if I borrow this sheet a sec? Oh, we're giving modesty a shot now? Sorry, Bill, but the only way you're seeing my ass is if you dust Nick's face for prints.
Those are my socks.
Yeah.
[MUFFLED YELLING.]
[SIGHS.]
What's going on in there? I don't think we'll be ordering room service tonight.
[MUFFLED YELLING CONTINUES.]
You know, today in Canter's, a guy came over to him, like, a big guy.
Is it about him? [SCOFFS.]
That guy's not a him.
- That guy's a them.
- [ROY YELLING ANGRILY.]
[PETER.]
'Cause you want to get married! Yeah, genius idea.
This is what you're gonna do.
Sell what you gotta sell and fuck who you gotta fuck, but get me the money! Roy, you are overextended! They canceled your fucking contract.
Ah, that's arm-twisting! Don't you understand? I pack that fucking place! First it's an arm.
Roy, listen to me.
Do you really want to call their bluff? They can't have this.
Okay, look.
You want to be broke, I can make that happen.
Or you can call the phone number you should've called first thing, tell Goldie she's got some new business partners No, no, no, see, you're not getting it.
This-this was me getting off the road.
Right? Having something that was mine.
Mine and not fucking Vegas' or anyone else's! I earned that.
I fucking hate it out there.
Wandering around like the fucking Sheik of Araby.
You don't have the luxury, Roy, not unless you want to go belly-up.
They've got you by the short hairs! [SIGHS.]
You're out of options, Roy.
Go talk to Goldie! - MTM loved you.
- [JOHN.]
Mm-hmm.
They really think you got something, and they want you to come in and read.
Read what? Three Brothers? It's about three brothers who own a family restaurant in Compton and It's funny.
It's edgy.
It has heart.
Okay, cool, but before I do any of that, man, what about my album money? Any word on me getting paid? This isn't an offer.
This is an offer to read.
Let's-let's focus on this.
No, let's focus on the fact that my album cracked top 50, right, and I took the bus here.
We didn't rep you on the album.
You fucked yourself.
Hard.
You should still be sore.
So, what, y'all just not gonna do nothing? We did.
Your reading is Friday at ten.
[BILL.]
Is this about the new club? - [LAUGHS.]
- It's the worst-kept secret since Liberace and Judy Garland not really being a couple.
[LAUGHS.]
Well, we're gonna make a formal announcement once the Is are dotted, but it'll be more stage time for everybody Opportunity.
Yeah? However, today I need a favor.
Mm? Anything.
Well, there's this, uh Tomorrow there's, uh, a "Ce-re-bral," "cer-e-bral" pal Like, a telethon.
They need a comic.
Me.
They asked for you specifically.
I told them I thought it was a great idea.
It-it's televised.
And think what it's done for Jerry Lewis, right? [LAUGHS.]
- Yeah.
- Anyway, I said I'd ask, so I'm asking.
What the fuck? Sure.
Great, wonderful.
Thank you.
Fabulous.
I gotta be honest with you, Gold.
I, you know I kind of hoped you were gonna ask for me to open for Roy at the new club.
Oh, man, we haven't even got the stink of garlic out of there yet.
It When we open, Billy, you will be there.
[LAUGHTER.]
White people are the best at keeping secrets, aren't you? You really are.
Seriously, your-your chicken has got a secret recipe.
Your soda's got a secret formula.
Mexican ever tells you that anything in their food is secret, don't eat it.
[LAUGHTER.]
Trust me.
Evening, fuckers.
- Hey.
- Why are you so giddy? Eddie bump his head on your G spot? Just out of curiosity, is there a right side of the bed for you to wake up on? Gotta go easy on him, Cass.
Bill saw two people have sex today.
Aw, jerking off again in front of the mirror? No, I saw Nick jerking off inside of Dawn in my bed.
Well, somebody's got to do something in there.
Just relax, Big Red.
I'm gonna wash the sheets.
I don't care about the sheets.
I have to burn the fucking mattress now.
Well, if you want to buy a new mattress, go to Angel City Sleep and use my and Eddie's name.
We get a discount on the sheets for the referral.
You and Eddie's, huh? Yeah, we bought a bed together today.
Ooh.
- Mazel.
- [CASSIE.]
I know.
[EDGAR.]
All right, you guys ready for your next comic? - [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
- [NICK.]
Here we go.
Now, fair warning.
This guy can be hit-or-miss, okay? - So you're - [LAUGHTER.]
[EDGAR.]
I'm kidding.
I'm kidding.
Uh, I'm sorry about this morning.
You're right, and I'm gonna be better about respecting your stuff in the future.
- Okay? - [EDGAR.]
Nick Beverly! - Thanks, man.
- Cool.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
Keep it going for Manny Martinez! Ah! Yeah.
Relationships are hard, huh? Dogs have it right.
A sniff here, a sniff there, sex, and then they're immediately back to chasing squirrels.
[LAUGHTER.]
No one's mad that no one called.
There's no guilting.
You will never hear, "Yeah, Spike, it's, uh, Fluffy" Motherfucker's doing my act.
Oh, you're right.
I think it was the laughter that threw me off.
"You said my bark was infectious.
" [LAUGHTER.]
"Uh, yeah.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Fluffy.
No, of course.
Yeah, uh, I've been meaning to call.
" [LAUGHTER.]
[CLEARS THROAT.]
"Don't, Spike, okay? Don't lie.
You demean us both when you lie.
" [LAUGHTER.]
"I'm not an idiot.
I'm two, for Christ's sake.
" [LAUGHTER.]
[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS.]
Nick, you okay? Huh? Uh, yeah, yeah.
Just, uh uh, something in Bill's act didn't agree with me.
You want to sit down a sec? Uh, just need some air.
Probably gonna walk home.
Well, I can give you a ride.
No, I'm-I'm okay.
Thanks.
Good night, Cass.
[MAN.]
Excuse me.
Uh, miss? Do you know Nick? Uh, I'm Chris Beverly.
I'm Nick's uncle.
Oh, hey.
Cassie Feder.
Oh, hi, Cassie.
I saw you talking to him before his act.
I-I didn't want to disturb him.
Is he still around? Um, he wasn't feeling well, so he took off after his set.
Shoot.
Uh, my daughter and I, we're staying at the Hollywood Premiere Motel on Sunset for about a week while she looks at colleges.
Um, it'd be great to catch up.
Would you mind passing that on, please? Sure, yeah.
Be happy to.
Okay.
Bye.
[SNORING.]
[BILL.]
This is getting ridiculous.
[ADAM.]
Man's got a serious fucking problem.
We got a serious fucking problem.
This guy's a fire hazard.
[EDGAR.]
Here, I got it.
Can somebody please catapult you back over the border? But I'm from Glendale.
W-why do you keep saying that? You know, in AA, there's a thing called the 12-step call, where you deliver the message to suffering alcoholics.
Well, we need to call some-fucking-body.
No, I mean, it's better if-if it comes from people that Fitzy knows and trusts, so what I propose is, we get him over to my house tomorrow and confront him there.
Hmm.
- Really? - What? It's not a party.
I'm trying to save a life.
If you have any decency at all, you'll be there tomorrow night.
Seven-ish.
Bring a bathing suit.
[FITZY MUMBLING.]
[BILL.]
Oh, you guys, look, he's dreaming.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING.]
Hey, in my defense, I did have my La-Z-Boy recliner set all the way back to "righteous indignation" mode.
[LAUGHTER.]
So I was comfortable and making a statement.
I mean, La-Z-Boy is the most racist piece of furniture you could sell a black man.
Only thing more offensive would be a welfare queen-sized daybed.
[LAUGHTER.]
[WOMAN LAUGHING LOUDLY.]
Well, look who just woke the fuck up, huh? [LAUGHTER.]
[LAUGHING LOUDLY.]
You know what? Can I ask you something, ma'am? Sorry, uh, why is that so funny? [COUGHING AND LAUGHING.]
[BILL.]
Well, this can't be good.
Mm-mm.
[RALPH.]
Welfare queen-sized daybed.
I'm asking all of y'all, why is that so funny? Personally, I think you laughing at the jokes because you think there's some truth in 'em.
Here's the real joke.
I'm telling them to point out that there's not.
It's called satire.
For those of you that don't know, it's the use of humor, irony, exaggeration, or ridicule to criticize and expose people's stupidity and vices, particularly in the context of contemporary politics and other topical issues.
I know.
Impressive.
A nigga's mind is a terrible thing to waste, y'all.
Anyway, that's what I thought I was doing up here.
Or pretending to do.
Turns out, I've just been bojangling for you motherfuckers.
Well, that's my time.
[AUDIENCE MURMURING.]
[EDGAR.]
Ralph Carnegie, doing seven of his 15 minutes.
How about that, huh? Where the fuck have you been? I-I twisted myself in knots - looking for you today.
- I had business to attend to, okay? We have a business to attend to.
Where the fuck were you? I'm scratching backs.
Where were you? My life doesn't stop just because we're in business together, Gold.
All right? I got shit too.
Like? [LAUGHS.]
"Like"? Oh, Roy, you're not getting cold feet, are you? No.
I do have something to talk to you about, okay? Uh, something important.
So talk.
This is not dinner.
[LAUGHS.]
What? Mmm! Mmm! Where'd you learn to cook? My mother.
The woman could stretch a dime like it was Silly Putty.
- [GOLDIE.]
Mm! - [ROY LAUGHS.]
I lived on peas and spaghetti when I was still Renaldo Stanziani, running a shell game in Times Square, if you can believe that.
[LAUGHS.]
For me, it was egg salad and saltines.
Wow.
Well You miss it? Simpler times? What, waitressing for nickels? Getting my ass grabbed by every two-bit drunk reeking of whatever perfume he'd just dry-humped off of the coat girl? [LAUGHS.]
Ask me, the past is right where it belongs.
I remember when I bought my first Rolls-Royce.
A friend of Dean Martin sold it to me.
Silver Cloud II.
Oh, it was gorgeous.
I did 110 on PCH on Christmas Eve.
Had the ocean on the left and the the mountains on the right.
Stars were everywhere, but I was the meteor.
Mm.
[LAUGHS.]
Hmm.
Yeah.
So you gonna tell me what's on your mind? Why does there always have to be something the matter? Well, you come in here with a smile that's all teeth, eyes just back from a funeral.
You tell me.
Hey.
If it ain't one thing, it's another, right? My mom used to call me "banjo eyes.
" She said I always looked like the-the Hindenburg just crashed in my lap.
[LAUGHS.]
It's nothing.
It's just a case of the hiccups.
Trust me, I'm all in.
I should go.
I'll help clean up.
I got it.
- Really? - Mm-hmm.
All right.
Is it okay if I use the phone and, uh, call a cab? It's all yours.
Okay.
Had breakfast yet? [CHUCKLES.]
I could probably scare up a couple glasses.
Haven't finished fully unpacking.
Come on.
Man.
When you blow shit up, you really do blow shit up.
Hey, sometimes shit need to get blown up, lest it fall into enemy hands.
Just trying to be smart.
Winter's coming.
Hey, I know I'm only, you know, 18 or whatever, so I'm And you done been to 'Nam and stuff like that, but if you ever want to talk, man, or, you know, just Adam.
It's cool.
Thank you.
You don't got to worry about me.
Okay.
Just, last night and this.
Look, you was the only one that worried about me when I needed worrying.
Maybe now you're the one that just needs some worrying.
Look, back in 'Nam, the best of who I was always came through in combat.
Silver lining to all that chaos is a clarity of purpose.
You dig? I th I think so.
Look, motherfuckers spend their whole life not knowing who they really are, but in chaos, mm.
Baby, that's when the lights come on.
Guess I needed to just be scared shitless again.
You know, I picked up your album the other day.
And? Possibly brilliant.
[LAUGHS.]
You think so? - Yes, I do.
- Yeah! Right on.
Tell me, how much of that $5.
99 I spent goes into your pocket, though? Man, I ain't seen a nickel in total.
Signed a shitty record deal.
What the fuck is your agent saying? Agents don't get in the ring for zero percent.
That's some true shit right there.
Mm.
[MUMBLES.]
All right.
Thank you, man.
- Thanks.
- Appreciate it.
[RON.]
Well, you know what this is, don't you? This is the world's ugliest engagement ring.
Yeah, so what if it were? Not that it is, but so what if it were? I'm not even gonna dignify that with a response.
[SIGHS.]
Are you coming tonight? - To your party? - To Fitzy's stop-drinking thing.
Huh.
You mean your party? It's not a party.
It is to help Fitzy confront his alcoholism.
It's Hawaiian-themed.
- Are you coming or not? - Well, I'm gonna set this stuff up to surprise Cassie later, and then I was gonna meet Roy at Goldie's so we can work on some of his Friars Club material.
Guy's such a dick.
Yeah, well, I, uh, think he's broke, so you might want to cut him some slack.
Aw, shit.
Me all out of tears.
All right, you wanna give me a hand with some of this stuff or what? You know what? I'm gonna be the bigger man.
Bring him.
Bring him.
It'll be fun.
It's for a good cause.
We're roasting a pig.
[SOFT GUITAR MUSIC.]
You wanna give me a hand or I can't hear let me Let me check on the stove.
Sunshine On my shoulders Makes me happy Sunshine in my eyes Can make me cry Sunshine On the water Looks so lovely Sunshine Almost always Makes me high Hey, buddy.
Who set this order? I'm a comic, so I can't go after Little Miss Every Day's A Blessing.
Come on, man.
It's for charity.
Right.
that I could give you Hey, magic man.
Yeah, any chance of us switching? I'd give to you Unless I can pull a cure out of my hat, not fucking happening.
[SNIFFLES.]
Sunshine Almost always Makes me high [APPLAUSE.]
Hey, wonderful, wonderful.
Hi.
Ah, one more time for Daisy, huh? Daisy.
[APPLAUSE.]
Hoo.
Cerebral palsy, huh? Not good.
Um, I know I've been touched by it.
[PERSON BLOWS NOSE.]
Thank you.
Any dog lovers in the house? It went all right.
- Really? - Mm-hmm.
Are you kidding? I got pity laughs from kids in fucking wheelchairs.
Well, we did what we came for.
You did me a favor, they're ten dollars closer to a vaccine, and I'm grateful.
Yeah? So how about showing it? Meaning? Opening for Roy at your new club, like we talked about.
Like you talked about, mm? You've already got somebody.
Adam Proteau.
That doesn't mean you're not gonna headline Adam? Okay.
What, what, so if I yell out "motherfucker" after every punch line, then I get to fucking open for Roy Hey.
Hi.
You were great.
Hey, thanks.
I've done everything that you've ever asked of me.
I burned down a fucking club for you.
[SIGHS.]
You are a hard one to love, Billy.
Fuck love.
What is it? You don't think I'm talented enough.
You're plenty talented.
Talent is not your issue.
Then what? 'Cause it sure as fuck isn't about loyalty.
I'm half a golden retriever.
Billy.
Just be happy for once, huh? You're headlining, you got a TV commercial, doing what most comics only dream of.
But you, you walk around like you've got a load in your pants.
[LAUGHS.]
Just tell me why.
Fine.
You are effective, not winning.
You got it? I root for you, but the audience You act like you're doing them a favor.
Oh.
So, what, you're effective and winning? Huh? Sitting in that club, up in that hiding place you call an office? Looking down at all of us like we're fucking puzzle pieces that you move around to fill out your pathetic life.
Maybe the book's written on you, but you don't get to write my book.
I have done nothing but treat you like a son.
More like a daughter, and we both know how that turns out.
A little misty water-colored memories? [LAUGHS.]
[SOMBER ROCK MUSIC.]
Just the coke.
I hated you when you quit.
Made me sad.
Well, if I'd have kept going, you'd have been even sadder.
Oh? 'Cause then you'd just be gone.
Now it's like you left.
Like you're judging me or something.
Where the fuck is Fitzy? I rehearsed all this 12-step crap, and I can't really get hammered till I help him get his shit together.
Arnie just called.
He's stuck at the club.
Him and Fitzy gonna be a little late.
Fuck it.
We tried.
All right, everybody, let's party! [PEOPLE CHEERING.]
Open that bar up! Yeah, it's true.
I fucked a bum.
[LAUGHTER.]
And I ain't talking about a dude who's in between apartments.
I'm talking a genuine aftershave-drinking hobo.
[LAUGHTER.]
So we was messing around in his refrigerator box, and he says [GRAVELLY VOICE.]
"Do you have any protection?" I'm all, "Hell no.
People who plan ahead generally don't fuck motherfucking vagrants.
" [LAUGHTER.]
[UPBEAT MUSIC.]
[LAUGHTER.]
You know, Ron Not the funniest guy in the world, but he sure knows how to throw an intervention.
Apparently being the funniest guy isn't enough.
Ron has a hit show, and Adam has a hit album.
Have you heard it? It's pretty good.
Fuck no.
Heard he hasn't seen a dime either.
Imagine how arrogant he'd be with money and Goldie's nose up his ass.
You mean "uppity"? Easy, Ralpholm X.
This isn't about race.
[SCOFFS.]
I know you just realized you're black and you're having a hard time with it, but I'm not the enemy.
Also, if memory serves me right, you were saying the same shit about Adam a year ago.
That's 'cause a year ago, my arrogant ass was jealous, the same way yours is now.
[SCOFFS.]
Ralph's black? All right, keep it going for Dawn Lima! Oh, yeah! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
Beautiful! She's gorgeous! Come on! Hey, Dawn, I'm not a bum, but I have been known to take a crap at a bus stop.
[LAUGHTER.]
Let me over there, all right? Whatever happened to chivalry, right? Come on! Do what I can to be nice to a lady What's happening? [LAUGHS.]
[ARNIE.]
Help her with doors, right? I hold the door open, you know, like any man should.
The girl goes, "No! No one" You wanna hit Fitzy's thing? I told Cassie I'd meet her there later.
Who's that, the Jewish broad? You mean my girlfriend? What? There goes the hungry kid who threw a $600 watch back in my face, pushed himself into my hotel room, and practically begged me to hire him.
Well, what if I'm holding the door to an abortion clinic? Is it modern then? Is it modern then? [LAUGHS.]
- [MAN.]
Boo! - Shut up! People make better decisions drunk than they do in relationships.
The thing's a hindrance, okay? Mark my words.
Okay, well, Cassie's not a thing.
Women are a thing.
Love, whatever the fuck that is, is a thing.
Love is a thing.
Pretty messed up, Roy.
Trust me.
If it can be taken away, it's a thing.
[UPBEAT FUNKY MUSIC PLAYING ON STEREO.]
[GRUNTS.]
Oh, excuse me, Billy.
My bad.
I knight thee Sir Adam, both winning and effective.
[LAUGHING.]
Okay cool.
[RELAXED MUSIC PLAYING ON STEREO.]
Hey.
I tried calling you at Bill's.
I met your uncle Chris last night at the club right after you left.
He's here with your cousin, staying at the Hollywood Premiere Motel on Sunset for a week if you want to stop by.
I got it, thanks.
Nick.
What do you want? We girlfriends now? No, but you were there for me in Wink.
Well, this isn't Wink.
Okay.
I-I don't know what I just walked into.
I just meant that having someone here know about Uh, it feels better.
Why don't you go tell Eddie? Okay? That guy's a fucking saint.
Jesus, Nick.
You don't want to tell Eddie because you'd rather be some scrubbed-up version of yourself than what's sitting here now, then fine.
But don't start looking at my shit 'cause you can't handle yours.
Am I wrong? Don't.
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING ON STEREO.]
Oh, uh, yeah.
Just an FYI.
R-Ron thinks you hate him.
YEAH, JUST AN FU: I do.
Okay, well, maybe can you just pretend tonight to Just relax, okay? I know how to put on a show.
All right, now, where the hell is that fucking drunk, Fitzy? [LAUGHTER.]
F-Fitzy's actually running a little late.
Oh, it's Benny time! [LAUGHS.]
You, my friend I owe you an apology.
I owe you an apology, 'cause I was a dick.
I saw your show I'm over here.
I saw your show.
- You are a funny fuck.
- Really? Now, the rest of the jungle, I wouldn't give you a dime, but you got "breakout" written all over you.
You really think so? 'Cause I mean, the show - has moments where I think - There is no show.
You hear me? There is no show.
It's you and people talking until you get back on-screen.
You understand? Hey, I got this great Bolivian shit from my PA if you're up for it.
Well, take me to your mirror.
- All right.
- Over there? [MAN.]
Fitzy! Whoo, Fitzy! Hold on a second.
Fitzy! You got a drinking problem! Anybody else want to weigh in or Let your tears Message received.
Now can somebody please get me a fucking drink in this hellhole? [LAUGHTER.]
- I did what I could.
- Such a putz.
You know what? Shit's about to get crazy in here.
What do you say we take a little ride? You got someplace in mind? Oh, yeah.
Come on.
[UPBEAT FUNK MUSIC PLAYING ON STEREO.]
Oh, hey.
What's going on? Come here, I wanna show you something.
What? Come on.
[KNOCK AT DOOR.]
[EDGAR.]
I'll be right back.
[KNOCK AT DOOR.]
I got it.
Oh, shit.
Hey.
The owner here? How do you know I'm not the owner? I'm just kidding.
Come on.
We got a noise complaint.
Bet you did.
Ah, our boys in blue.
What can I do for you? We got a noise complaint.
Roy Martin.
Pleasure.
- [MUSIC STOPS.]
- [PEOPLE MURMURING.]
Roy Martin.
What, you guys don't own a fucking TV? You the owner, sir? I'm glad you're here, sirs, 'cause I have something to confess.
I am an arsonist.
I did Carson.
I did it.
I got the fucking couch.
How about that? I met Carol Channing.
Very nice.
She smells like Poligrip.
And how does Goldie repay me? - Huh? - [EDGAR.]
Sorry, guys.
He's bitter about a lot of things.
A Big Red fucking soda commercial! Whoo! She doesn't get to tell me what my future is! No one does! No one tells me what to do! - [BOTTLE SHATTERS.]
- [PEOPLE EXCLAIM.]
Hands against the wall.
Okay, maybe you guys do.
[EDDIE.]
I was gonna surprise you later, but, you know.
Wow.
[SOMBER MUSIC.]
That was a fun night.
Yeah.
Not as fun as tonight.
What? Nothing.
All right, guys, I'll tell you what.
Here's a little something for all you do.
Uh, put it away, sir, or you'll be joining him.
[RON.]
Excuse me, Officers.
Uh, I'm-I'm the homeowner.
Is there a problem? Several, starting with a noise complaint, attempted assault on an officer [BILL.]
They got mad 'cause I spilled my drink, Ron.
Why-why did you do that, Bill? You Benny the Mailman? Watts Local? Well, I'm Ron Shack.
I-I play Benny the Mailman.
Oh, my wife and I love that show.
[LAUGHS.]
Great.
Yeah, yeah, no.
It's-it's a great show.
Uh, do you guys want an autograph? O-or you want a picture? I-I got the camera.
I if it's not too big of an inconvenience.
Huh, "incon" No, it'd be my pleasure.
- Here, Edgar, you wanna take - Hey, you know what? Why don't I do it? Really? Yeah, Roy will take it.
Let's get him out of the shot.
- He's gonna ruin everything.
- [BILL.]
Yeah.
Just get out of the shot, Bill.
You guys ready? Let's do this, huh? [ROY.]
Say "cheese.
" Cheese.
Yeah.
[PEOPLE CHEERING.]
There you go.
[SLOW JAZZY BASS MUSIC.]
Man, you think breaking into this place is a good idea? These motherfuckers owe you money.
We gonna get that money.
All right.
What, you gonna break down the door? Ain't no fucking key.
Just gonna open the door.
Okay, all right.
Fuck it.
[MAN.]
Yeah [MAN.]
Big boy.
Oh, yeah.
- [MAN.]
Whoa! - [WOMAN GASPS.]
What the who the fuck Adam? Adam! [LAUGHS.]
Hey, Rusty.
[LAUGHING NERVOUSLY.]
Hey.
[LAUGHS.]
Adam, my brother! [LAUGHS.]
Hey, it's kind of late.
[LAUGHS.]
Your associate, I'm presuming? Hmm? You owe this motherfucker five grand, and we're here to collect.
I didn't catch your name, my man.
Huh? [LAUGHS.]
Adam, hey, it's like we talked about.
Okay? Money is on the way.
All right? But there's a lot of overhead we gotta pay off first, okay? It sucks, but you gotta spend money to make money, right? Why the fuck are you talking to him when I'm the motherfucker talking to you? [LAUGHS.]
Fellas, fellas, come on.
[LAUGHS.]
You oh, man.
Listen Ah! Oh, fuck.
What the fuck? Okay.
[RALPH.]
Pull a gun on me, motherfucker? No, no, no, no, no! Get your ass up.
Ah! [YELLING.]
Now it's a party.
[ADAM.]
Man, Rusty, man, just give us the five and we'll be gone.
Fuck you coons! It's not here! - [BONE CRUNCHES.]
- [YELLS.]
Where's that fucking money? I'll get it! I'll get it! I'll get it tomorrow! - [BONE CRUNCHES.]
- [RUSTY YELLS.]
Oh, shit.
Oh, fuck.
It's in the safe! It's in the safe! Jane! Adam, help Jane with that Adam? Is-is he okay? Jane, go get that money! And a and a glass of water! [ROY.]
It's Benny time! - [LAUGHTER.]
- [ROY.]
I'm a mailman.
A little white, fat mailman in Watts! What's the problem? [LAUGHTER.]
More wooden than fucking Howdy Doody time! Ronny! I love this.
Special delivery.
[BLOWS RASPBERRY.]
[LAUGHTER.]
Where's Dragnet, huh? What, they had to rush off? Was there a I don't know, maybe maybe an emergency at the, uh, Family Affair kids' house or something? [LAUGHTER.]
I mean, they didn't even know who the fuck you were.
Do you want to know why? Because all you are to them is some dusty old scratched record on their father's Victrola.
- That's all you are.
- [BILL.]
Whoa, whoa, whoa! - You're a fucking nothing.
- You're fucking nothing! You're nobody! You know what you are? You're a fucking trivia question five years from now, you fucking hack! - All right - I am Mount Rushmore compared to you.
Do you understand? I'm an icon! Who are you, fucker? Who am I? You know what, Roy? This is who I am.
[EDGAR.]
Ron, come on, don't be that guy.
- Ron.
- [RON.]
Right there.
[BILL.]
Ron.
This is me.
You sorry, pathetic, broke fuck.
[CHUCKLES.]
[AL.]
Guys! Guys! - [BILL.]
Jesus, Ron! - I think Fitzy's drowning.
What? [AL.]
He's drowning! Come on! [COUGHING.]
You okay, Fitzy? Yeah, yeah.
I just I needed to take a leak anyway.
Come on, get up.
Let's go.
[COUGHS.]
Whoa, whoa.
What's wrong? What's wrong? Somebody call a fucking ambulance.
Go, go! [FITZY.]
I-I can't - [FITZY.]
I can't Br-breathe.
- [MAN.]
Call an ambulance! [SIREN WAILS.]
What's going on? [SIGHS.]
Fuck.
Yeah, yeah, man.
[JOHN DENVER'S "SUNSHINE ON MY SHOULDERS" PLAYING.]
Let's go.
What? You want to leave now? You find a lot of room for interpretation - in that sentence? - All right, I'll be right there.
Okay, he's in a mood.
Who knows how long it'll take? - See you tomorrow? - Yep.
on my shoulders Makes me happy Sunshine In my eyes Can make me Cry Sunshine On the water Looks so lovely What's the problem? Sunshine Almost always You know me, right? Oh, yeah.
I know you.
If I had a day That I could give you I'd give to you A day That is everything, plus the pot he pisses in.
Stubborn fuck.
He'll be back.
If I had A song That I could sing for you I'd sing a song To make you feel This way Sunshine On my shoulders Makes me happy Sunshine In my eyes can make me Cry Sunshine On the water Looks so lovely Sunshine Almost always Makes me high If I had A tale That I could tell you I really do love Eddie.
Between me and him, I'd pick Eddie too.
They're shooting a sketch show live out of New York City.
Lorne Michaels, he's coming Thursday night to catch your act.
I got Carson.
You're going on as a guest, not a stand-up.
I'm sorry, what, I'm not going to do stand-up? Do you think love conquers all? Because it doesn't it obliterates! - Roy, please! - [SHOUTING.]
Previously on I'm Dying Up Here Roy Martin and I are opening another Goldie's, and I want you to open for him.
Who are you? Dawn Lima.
I just got in town.
Maybe you want to go - to dinner with me sometime? - Dinner? Mine was the Jewish joke you shit on.
I didn't shit on it.
It wasn't funny.
Oh, but the six other black jokes Those were hilarious.
Last month, we had Burt Reynolds on.
All the jokes weren't about him being white.
- What are you drinking? - Seven and Seven.
[PAM.]
Jesse's not her nephew.
He's her son.
[ROCK MUSIC.]
I don't have a rubber.
Hey, Cass.
We're gonna have to stop.
No, baby, it's okay.
[BOTH MOAN.]
It's okay.
[JAZZY PERCUSSION.]
[TRANQUIL MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS.]
It says this mattress was voted not just America's but the world's best night's sleep.
Mm.
How do we know there isn't a mattress somewhere in Luxembourg that makes this one feel like a bed of nails? - Hmm.
- [KEVIN.]
I doubt some communist country's mattress is gonna give you a better night's sleep than ours.
[EDDIE.]
Uh, Luxembourg isn't a communist country.
It's actually a parliamentary democracy.
- [CASSIE.]
Hmm.
- Here at Angel City Sleep, each pocket spring is individually wrapped, making for supreme comfort and support to ensure a sound night's sleep.
- Wow, you hear that? - Mm-hmm.
So are we just looky-looing, or are we sleepy-doing? Actually, Kev, I have a question for you.
How durable is this puppy? 'Cause we're into some pretty heavy-duty fucking.
- Pardon? - [EDDIE.]
Yeah, we're talking, uh, workman's comp-type intercourse, Kev.
[CASSIE.]
Yeah.
You know what? I should probably try it facedown, 'cause I want it firm enough to absorb Eddie's thrusts but not firm enough to leave a pattern on my face.
Mm, good call, hon.
Our last mattress, it looked like I was beating her with a waffle.
- [CASSIE.]
Ugh.
- [KEVIN.]
You coulda just said you needed a minute.
- [EDDIE.]
Mm-hmm.
- [CASSIE LAUGHS.]
- [EDDIE.]
Nice action here.
- [BOTH LAUGHING.]
Yeah, I don't think he likes us.
No one likes looky-looers.
Mm.
Well, what if we weren't looky-looers? Wh what are you saying? You want to buy a bed together? [CHUCKLES.]
I mean it's not so crazy.
Not after last night.
[CHUCKLES.]
No, not so crazy.
Hey, I am definitely not putting it all on you, because I was there too, but, uh[LAUGHS.]
I just I'm not exactly sure what decision it was we were making.
Yeah, I don't know.
Um I guess, uh, I just got caught up in the moment.
Hmm.
Well I think we could narrow it down to either love or insanity.
What's the difference again? One you do with your eyes open and the other with your eyes closed.
Okay.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
How about this? - On the count of three - Mm.
We either open or shut our eyes.
Love open, insanity shut.
Great idea.
When in doubt, fall back on science.
Okay.
- One[LAUGHS.]
- Mm-hmm.
Two [CLEARS THROAT.]
three.
[ BLUES MUSIC .]
I think we're sleepy-doers.
Mama told me [BREATHING HEAVILY.]
This day would surely come Holy shit.
I get it now.
[GLORIA LAUGHS.]
Get what, you fool? All of it.
God, the universe, the meaning of life.
Shit, what the president knew and when.
- [GLORIA LAUGHS.]
- Why some people like cats.
Oh, that was some Chariots of the Gods type shit right there.
Mm.
[GIGGLES.]
Oh, you can run away What are you doing? Uh, it's just, uh Just a idea.
- For your act? - Mm-hmm.
Adam, no.
You don't have sex with a woman and then write a joke about it.
It's not a joke! It's more like a area.
"Older woman magic pussy"? - What? Okay - Really? Okay, look, just hear me out.
Hear me out! Come on.
- [SIGHS.]
- Look.
With a younger woman, okay, you're going at it, thinking, - "This is nice.
" - Mm-hmm.
"I like sex.
I can see myself doing this again.
" But with you, it's It's like my dick went to Disneyland.
There's all these These rides and these moves and sounds and feelings.
You're new at compliments, aren't you? Shit, I'm new at everything, - to be honest.
- [LAUGHS.]
[WOMAN.]
They call it a light lunch, brunch.
[WOMAN.]
Yeah.
- [WOMAN.]
It's perfect.
- [WOMAN.]
Mm-hmm.
Fabulous.
We're so glad we finally got you here, Goldie.
And just think, all it took was your husband ignoring my permit requests.
[LAUGHTER.]
Well, you know, the-the wheels of progress - move slowly at City Hall.
- Mm.
[SADIE.]
Yeah, and Dan's been tied up.
You know, this new public library opening Is there anything we can do to get his nose out of those books? My papers have been sitting on his desk for quite a while now.
Uh, Goldie, we like to use these Auxiliary events as a chance to get away from business.
Oh.
So I suppose my business has nothing to do with why you invited me here, huh? Oh, come on.
I love coffee, salmon, and a 40-minute drive as much as the next gal, but can we cut to why I'm really here? You know what I need.
How about you put your cards on the table? [CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS.]
Well, we're chairing a telethon for cerebral palsy.
And you need a comedian.
[LAUGHTER.]
I mean, Jerry Lewis He really put muscular dystrophy on the map.
You should've called.
Could've saved yourself the spread.
- [SADIE.]
Oh - [GOLDIE.]
Hmm? Who you thinking? [SADIE.]
Roy Martin? [LAUGHS.]
Oh, Sadie.
Here I thought you were gonna give me some kind of challenge.
Well, you haven't heard the challenge part yet.
It's time-sensitive.
We need to know today.
It's not a problem.
- Oh.
- [BOTH LAUGH.]
Oh, my goodness.
That's great.
That's fantastic.
[LAUGHTER.]
[BREATHES DEEPLY.]
Shi, hai [GROANS.]
Fuck! All right, Phil.
Ah.
In aikido, the philosophy is to use the opponent's momentum rather than to initiate.
Well, it should be easy.
It's the philosophy of everything he does.
[ADAM.]
Hey, does Goldie know that you borrowed that outfit? Phil, could we cut to the part where you teach me how to kill two guys with one punch? In aikido, we learn to defend passively while also protecting our attacker from injury.
Sounds like a slightly more macho version of running away.
All right, Kwai Chang, when you can snatch the $50 per lesson from my hand, then it is time for you to leave.
See you later, Sensei Phil.
Having a party tomorrow night.
You had a party last night.
And the night before that.
No, that was the same party.
You probably fell asleep.
So you guys in? [ADAM.]
No, I can't.
I'm meeting Gloria over at the Beverly Wilshire.
Again with the hotel.
[ADAM.]
Okay, um, sex with Gloria or watch you coked out, singing "Louie Louie" naked with your penis tucked between your thighs.
That's my signature sign-off.
That's like when Carol Burnett tugs her earlobe.
Mm, not the same thing.
[ADAM.]
Nowhere near the same thing.
Yeah, it's sexier.
What about you, Tonto? And if you say you're gonna be with Cassie, I swear, I will fucking passive resistance the shit out of you.
I actually have a meeting with Roy.
And I'm meeting Cassie.
W-what's with you? You really want to spend the prime of your youth with just Cassie? My parents took us to Maine every summer, okay? I get it.
But now you can mix it up, see Europe.
And I'm sure Gloria's great, and her stories about what it was like to be around when they pioneered steam are real grabbers, but you're her boy toy! Come on, don't you deserve the same freedom? I'm not her boy toy, first of all, all right? It's more than that.
Dude, she's never even had you over to her house.
Trust me, yours is not the only flower in that vase.
I mean, come on, man! You guys are celebrity-adjacent! Let's take some of my forward momentum and have some fucking fun, huh? Hey, I know they're the same, but, um, I think that robe's actually mine.
Hey, dude, you don't fucking live here.
And, uh, FYI, I fired the pool guy.
You fucking robbing me? No.
I couldn't remember your name.
[LAUGHS.]
How the hell you not remember Alvira? [LAUGHS.]
I don't know.
[GROANS.]
Uh-oh.
You some Jesus freak? Preacher's daughter.
It's the price of doing business.
You got a problem with that? Shit, no.
Some of my best friends hate themselves.
Hey[SUCKS TEETH.]
I'm messing with you is all.
Come here.
Nah, um, I can't.
I gotta be somewhere.
[WATER RUNNING.]
[RAPID KNOCKING AT DOOR.]
[ANNOUNCER SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY OVER RADIO.]
What the fuck? [KNOCKING CONTINUES.]
Yeah, yeah.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
[CHUCKLES.]
Hey.
Oh.
Mm.
Wait, wait, wait.
Is it your birthday or mine? Oh.
Birthday boy.
[SIGHS.]
[ROY.]
"Last night, I called the suicide hotline and I really connected with the operator.
Next week, we're gonna get together and take in some carbon monoxide.
" How much is Goldie paying you to fuck my career? What, you don't think people will find that funny? The only thing funny is that you think there'll be people left after that joke.
- Come on.
- [EDDIE.]
All right, all right.
[LAUGHS.]
Taffy, you fat bastard! Stay still.
You're fucking up the tides.
[ROY LAUGHS.]
He doesn't speak Vegas, so Eddie, would you give us a couple minutes? Oh, right.
Uh, you sure? No, stay and chaperone.
Get the fuck out.
Yeah.
Just be over there.
[SIGHS.]
What happened to our arrangement? We only talked a couple times.
It's hardly a fucking arrangement, Taff.
What's the damage? Get your umbrella out.
We're calling in your markers.
Everything? When? Two days.
I can't still work it off? [TAFFY.]
Service contract's been terminated.
[ROY.]
Come on, bullshit.
- It's me, Taffy.
- They're serious, Roy.
Most likely, the only thing you got left in Vegas: couple paternity suits when you get back.
Right, so they're gonna cut off their noses for 200 grand? Come on, that's farkakte money.
It's not about that.
Twenty percent.
Half of what she's giving you.
And then Vegas what? Hmm? They step aside? - No strings? - Come on.
We're in the strings business, for fuck's sake.
We're going in on the kids, Roy.
With you, without you.
Okay, look, she-she's not gonna go for it.
Fuck Goldie, all right? We're not talking about her share.
She's got no say in this.
Look, Roy, listen.
It's this easy.
If stupidity is a stumbling block, then it is what it is.
But if it's a matter of greed Everybody likes you, Roy.
$236,000 cash or your 20.
I mean, Jesus, what is it with you and this broad? [CLEARS THROAT.]
Nada.
So just one second, hold on.
What? He's not in his hotel.
I checked the bars.
All right, you ask Eddie? That's where the mystery thickens.
Can't find Eddie either.
And here's where my patience thins.
Get the fuck out and keep looking.
Yeah, okay.
What? I can do the telethon if you're in a pinch.
I got a cousin that, uh, has cerebral palsy.
Crack jokes about her all the time.
Just putting it out there.
Well, put it back.
Yeah oh, oh, and get Bill in here - while you're at it.
- A'ight.
[FAINT MOANING.]
[LOUDER MOANING.]
The f - Oh, shit.
- [MOANS.]
- [BILL.]
My, my.
- God damn it! Steve Garvey hit for the cycle last night.
- What the fuck? - [CLEARS THROAT.]
[BILL.]
I know.
Man, he has some hairy forearms.
You know? He's like a Romanian gymnast.
[CHUCKLES.]
Oh, hi, sorry.
I didn't see you there, fucking in my bed.
[GRUNTS EXASPERATEDLY.]
Look, I know it's weird with him watching, but how else is he gonna learn? Well, since we're all together, why don't we go over some basic guest etiquette? Like, there's no fucking in my bed, ever.
Sorry, man, I thought that was only for you.
Okay, you mind if I borrow this sheet a sec? Oh, we're giving modesty a shot now? Sorry, Bill, but the only way you're seeing my ass is if you dust Nick's face for prints.
Those are my socks.
Yeah.
[MUFFLED YELLING.]
[SIGHS.]
What's going on in there? I don't think we'll be ordering room service tonight.
[MUFFLED YELLING CONTINUES.]
You know, today in Canter's, a guy came over to him, like, a big guy.
Is it about him? [SCOFFS.]
That guy's not a him.
- That guy's a them.
- [ROY YELLING ANGRILY.]
[PETER.]
'Cause you want to get married! Yeah, genius idea.
This is what you're gonna do.
Sell what you gotta sell and fuck who you gotta fuck, but get me the money! Roy, you are overextended! They canceled your fucking contract.
Ah, that's arm-twisting! Don't you understand? I pack that fucking place! First it's an arm.
Roy, listen to me.
Do you really want to call their bluff? They can't have this.
Okay, look.
You want to be broke, I can make that happen.
Or you can call the phone number you should've called first thing, tell Goldie she's got some new business partners No, no, no, see, you're not getting it.
This-this was me getting off the road.
Right? Having something that was mine.
Mine and not fucking Vegas' or anyone else's! I earned that.
I fucking hate it out there.
Wandering around like the fucking Sheik of Araby.
You don't have the luxury, Roy, not unless you want to go belly-up.
They've got you by the short hairs! [SIGHS.]
You're out of options, Roy.
Go talk to Goldie! - MTM loved you.
- [JOHN.]
Mm-hmm.
They really think you got something, and they want you to come in and read.
Read what? Three Brothers? It's about three brothers who own a family restaurant in Compton and It's funny.
It's edgy.
It has heart.
Okay, cool, but before I do any of that, man, what about my album money? Any word on me getting paid? This isn't an offer.
This is an offer to read.
Let's-let's focus on this.
No, let's focus on the fact that my album cracked top 50, right, and I took the bus here.
We didn't rep you on the album.
You fucked yourself.
Hard.
You should still be sore.
So, what, y'all just not gonna do nothing? We did.
Your reading is Friday at ten.
[BILL.]
Is this about the new club? - [LAUGHS.]
- It's the worst-kept secret since Liberace and Judy Garland not really being a couple.
[LAUGHS.]
Well, we're gonna make a formal announcement once the Is are dotted, but it'll be more stage time for everybody Opportunity.
Yeah? However, today I need a favor.
Mm? Anything.
Well, there's this, uh Tomorrow there's, uh, a "Ce-re-bral," "cer-e-bral" pal Like, a telethon.
They need a comic.
Me.
They asked for you specifically.
I told them I thought it was a great idea.
It-it's televised.
And think what it's done for Jerry Lewis, right? [LAUGHS.]
- Yeah.
- Anyway, I said I'd ask, so I'm asking.
What the fuck? Sure.
Great, wonderful.
Thank you.
Fabulous.
I gotta be honest with you, Gold.
I, you know I kind of hoped you were gonna ask for me to open for Roy at the new club.
Oh, man, we haven't even got the stink of garlic out of there yet.
It When we open, Billy, you will be there.
[LAUGHTER.]
White people are the best at keeping secrets, aren't you? You really are.
Seriously, your-your chicken has got a secret recipe.
Your soda's got a secret formula.
Mexican ever tells you that anything in their food is secret, don't eat it.
[LAUGHTER.]
Trust me.
Evening, fuckers.
- Hey.
- Why are you so giddy? Eddie bump his head on your G spot? Just out of curiosity, is there a right side of the bed for you to wake up on? Gotta go easy on him, Cass.
Bill saw two people have sex today.
Aw, jerking off again in front of the mirror? No, I saw Nick jerking off inside of Dawn in my bed.
Well, somebody's got to do something in there.
Just relax, Big Red.
I'm gonna wash the sheets.
I don't care about the sheets.
I have to burn the fucking mattress now.
Well, if you want to buy a new mattress, go to Angel City Sleep and use my and Eddie's name.
We get a discount on the sheets for the referral.
You and Eddie's, huh? Yeah, we bought a bed together today.
Ooh.
- Mazel.
- [CASSIE.]
I know.
[EDGAR.]
All right, you guys ready for your next comic? - [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
- [NICK.]
Here we go.
Now, fair warning.
This guy can be hit-or-miss, okay? - So you're - [LAUGHTER.]
[EDGAR.]
I'm kidding.
I'm kidding.
Uh, I'm sorry about this morning.
You're right, and I'm gonna be better about respecting your stuff in the future.
- Okay? - [EDGAR.]
Nick Beverly! - Thanks, man.
- Cool.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
Keep it going for Manny Martinez! Ah! Yeah.
Relationships are hard, huh? Dogs have it right.
A sniff here, a sniff there, sex, and then they're immediately back to chasing squirrels.
[LAUGHTER.]
No one's mad that no one called.
There's no guilting.
You will never hear, "Yeah, Spike, it's, uh, Fluffy" Motherfucker's doing my act.
Oh, you're right.
I think it was the laughter that threw me off.
"You said my bark was infectious.
" [LAUGHTER.]
"Uh, yeah.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Fluffy.
No, of course.
Yeah, uh, I've been meaning to call.
" [LAUGHTER.]
[CLEARS THROAT.]
"Don't, Spike, okay? Don't lie.
You demean us both when you lie.
" [LAUGHTER.]
"I'm not an idiot.
I'm two, for Christ's sake.
" [LAUGHTER.]
[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS.]
Nick, you okay? Huh? Uh, yeah, yeah.
Just, uh uh, something in Bill's act didn't agree with me.
You want to sit down a sec? Uh, just need some air.
Probably gonna walk home.
Well, I can give you a ride.
No, I'm-I'm okay.
Thanks.
Good night, Cass.
[MAN.]
Excuse me.
Uh, miss? Do you know Nick? Uh, I'm Chris Beverly.
I'm Nick's uncle.
Oh, hey.
Cassie Feder.
Oh, hi, Cassie.
I saw you talking to him before his act.
I-I didn't want to disturb him.
Is he still around? Um, he wasn't feeling well, so he took off after his set.
Shoot.
Uh, my daughter and I, we're staying at the Hollywood Premiere Motel on Sunset for about a week while she looks at colleges.
Um, it'd be great to catch up.
Would you mind passing that on, please? Sure, yeah.
Be happy to.
Okay.
Bye.
[SNORING.]
[BILL.]
This is getting ridiculous.
[ADAM.]
Man's got a serious fucking problem.
We got a serious fucking problem.
This guy's a fire hazard.
[EDGAR.]
Here, I got it.
Can somebody please catapult you back over the border? But I'm from Glendale.
W-why do you keep saying that? You know, in AA, there's a thing called the 12-step call, where you deliver the message to suffering alcoholics.
Well, we need to call some-fucking-body.
No, I mean, it's better if-if it comes from people that Fitzy knows and trusts, so what I propose is, we get him over to my house tomorrow and confront him there.
Hmm.
- Really? - What? It's not a party.
I'm trying to save a life.
If you have any decency at all, you'll be there tomorrow night.
Seven-ish.
Bring a bathing suit.
[FITZY MUMBLING.]
[BILL.]
Oh, you guys, look, he's dreaming.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING.]
Hey, in my defense, I did have my La-Z-Boy recliner set all the way back to "righteous indignation" mode.
[LAUGHTER.]
So I was comfortable and making a statement.
I mean, La-Z-Boy is the most racist piece of furniture you could sell a black man.
Only thing more offensive would be a welfare queen-sized daybed.
[LAUGHTER.]
[WOMAN LAUGHING LOUDLY.]
Well, look who just woke the fuck up, huh? [LAUGHTER.]
[LAUGHING LOUDLY.]
You know what? Can I ask you something, ma'am? Sorry, uh, why is that so funny? [COUGHING AND LAUGHING.]
[BILL.]
Well, this can't be good.
Mm-mm.
[RALPH.]
Welfare queen-sized daybed.
I'm asking all of y'all, why is that so funny? Personally, I think you laughing at the jokes because you think there's some truth in 'em.
Here's the real joke.
I'm telling them to point out that there's not.
It's called satire.
For those of you that don't know, it's the use of humor, irony, exaggeration, or ridicule to criticize and expose people's stupidity and vices, particularly in the context of contemporary politics and other topical issues.
I know.
Impressive.
A nigga's mind is a terrible thing to waste, y'all.
Anyway, that's what I thought I was doing up here.
Or pretending to do.
Turns out, I've just been bojangling for you motherfuckers.
Well, that's my time.
[AUDIENCE MURMURING.]
[EDGAR.]
Ralph Carnegie, doing seven of his 15 minutes.
How about that, huh? Where the fuck have you been? I-I twisted myself in knots - looking for you today.
- I had business to attend to, okay? We have a business to attend to.
Where the fuck were you? I'm scratching backs.
Where were you? My life doesn't stop just because we're in business together, Gold.
All right? I got shit too.
Like? [LAUGHS.]
"Like"? Oh, Roy, you're not getting cold feet, are you? No.
I do have something to talk to you about, okay? Uh, something important.
So talk.
This is not dinner.
[LAUGHS.]
What? Mmm! Mmm! Where'd you learn to cook? My mother.
The woman could stretch a dime like it was Silly Putty.
- [GOLDIE.]
Mm! - [ROY LAUGHS.]
I lived on peas and spaghetti when I was still Renaldo Stanziani, running a shell game in Times Square, if you can believe that.
[LAUGHS.]
For me, it was egg salad and saltines.
Wow.
Well You miss it? Simpler times? What, waitressing for nickels? Getting my ass grabbed by every two-bit drunk reeking of whatever perfume he'd just dry-humped off of the coat girl? [LAUGHS.]
Ask me, the past is right where it belongs.
I remember when I bought my first Rolls-Royce.
A friend of Dean Martin sold it to me.
Silver Cloud II.
Oh, it was gorgeous.
I did 110 on PCH on Christmas Eve.
Had the ocean on the left and the the mountains on the right.
Stars were everywhere, but I was the meteor.
Mm.
[LAUGHS.]
Hmm.
Yeah.
So you gonna tell me what's on your mind? Why does there always have to be something the matter? Well, you come in here with a smile that's all teeth, eyes just back from a funeral.
You tell me.
Hey.
If it ain't one thing, it's another, right? My mom used to call me "banjo eyes.
" She said I always looked like the-the Hindenburg just crashed in my lap.
[LAUGHS.]
It's nothing.
It's just a case of the hiccups.
Trust me, I'm all in.
I should go.
I'll help clean up.
I got it.
- Really? - Mm-hmm.
All right.
Is it okay if I use the phone and, uh, call a cab? It's all yours.
Okay.
Had breakfast yet? [CHUCKLES.]
I could probably scare up a couple glasses.
Haven't finished fully unpacking.
Come on.
Man.
When you blow shit up, you really do blow shit up.
Hey, sometimes shit need to get blown up, lest it fall into enemy hands.
Just trying to be smart.
Winter's coming.
Hey, I know I'm only, you know, 18 or whatever, so I'm And you done been to 'Nam and stuff like that, but if you ever want to talk, man, or, you know, just Adam.
It's cool.
Thank you.
You don't got to worry about me.
Okay.
Just, last night and this.
Look, you was the only one that worried about me when I needed worrying.
Maybe now you're the one that just needs some worrying.
Look, back in 'Nam, the best of who I was always came through in combat.
Silver lining to all that chaos is a clarity of purpose.
You dig? I th I think so.
Look, motherfuckers spend their whole life not knowing who they really are, but in chaos, mm.
Baby, that's when the lights come on.
Guess I needed to just be scared shitless again.
You know, I picked up your album the other day.
And? Possibly brilliant.
[LAUGHS.]
You think so? - Yes, I do.
- Yeah! Right on.
Tell me, how much of that $5.
99 I spent goes into your pocket, though? Man, I ain't seen a nickel in total.
Signed a shitty record deal.
What the fuck is your agent saying? Agents don't get in the ring for zero percent.
That's some true shit right there.
Mm.
[MUMBLES.]
All right.
Thank you, man.
- Thanks.
- Appreciate it.
[RON.]
Well, you know what this is, don't you? This is the world's ugliest engagement ring.
Yeah, so what if it were? Not that it is, but so what if it were? I'm not even gonna dignify that with a response.
[SIGHS.]
Are you coming tonight? - To your party? - To Fitzy's stop-drinking thing.
Huh.
You mean your party? It's not a party.
It is to help Fitzy confront his alcoholism.
It's Hawaiian-themed.
- Are you coming or not? - Well, I'm gonna set this stuff up to surprise Cassie later, and then I was gonna meet Roy at Goldie's so we can work on some of his Friars Club material.
Guy's such a dick.
Yeah, well, I, uh, think he's broke, so you might want to cut him some slack.
Aw, shit.
Me all out of tears.
All right, you wanna give me a hand with some of this stuff or what? You know what? I'm gonna be the bigger man.
Bring him.
Bring him.
It'll be fun.
It's for a good cause.
We're roasting a pig.
[SOFT GUITAR MUSIC.]
You wanna give me a hand or I can't hear let me Let me check on the stove.
Sunshine On my shoulders Makes me happy Sunshine in my eyes Can make me cry Sunshine On the water Looks so lovely Sunshine Almost always Makes me high Hey, buddy.
Who set this order? I'm a comic, so I can't go after Little Miss Every Day's A Blessing.
Come on, man.
It's for charity.
Right.
that I could give you Hey, magic man.
Yeah, any chance of us switching? I'd give to you Unless I can pull a cure out of my hat, not fucking happening.
[SNIFFLES.]
Sunshine Almost always Makes me high [APPLAUSE.]
Hey, wonderful, wonderful.
Hi.
Ah, one more time for Daisy, huh? Daisy.
[APPLAUSE.]
Hoo.
Cerebral palsy, huh? Not good.
Um, I know I've been touched by it.
[PERSON BLOWS NOSE.]
Thank you.
Any dog lovers in the house? It went all right.
- Really? - Mm-hmm.
Are you kidding? I got pity laughs from kids in fucking wheelchairs.
Well, we did what we came for.
You did me a favor, they're ten dollars closer to a vaccine, and I'm grateful.
Yeah? So how about showing it? Meaning? Opening for Roy at your new club, like we talked about.
Like you talked about, mm? You've already got somebody.
Adam Proteau.
That doesn't mean you're not gonna headline Adam? Okay.
What, what, so if I yell out "motherfucker" after every punch line, then I get to fucking open for Roy Hey.
Hi.
You were great.
Hey, thanks.
I've done everything that you've ever asked of me.
I burned down a fucking club for you.
[SIGHS.]
You are a hard one to love, Billy.
Fuck love.
What is it? You don't think I'm talented enough.
You're plenty talented.
Talent is not your issue.
Then what? 'Cause it sure as fuck isn't about loyalty.
I'm half a golden retriever.
Billy.
Just be happy for once, huh? You're headlining, you got a TV commercial, doing what most comics only dream of.
But you, you walk around like you've got a load in your pants.
[LAUGHS.]
Just tell me why.
Fine.
You are effective, not winning.
You got it? I root for you, but the audience You act like you're doing them a favor.
Oh.
So, what, you're effective and winning? Huh? Sitting in that club, up in that hiding place you call an office? Looking down at all of us like we're fucking puzzle pieces that you move around to fill out your pathetic life.
Maybe the book's written on you, but you don't get to write my book.
I have done nothing but treat you like a son.
More like a daughter, and we both know how that turns out.
A little misty water-colored memories? [LAUGHS.]
[SOMBER ROCK MUSIC.]
Just the coke.
I hated you when you quit.
Made me sad.
Well, if I'd have kept going, you'd have been even sadder.
Oh? 'Cause then you'd just be gone.
Now it's like you left.
Like you're judging me or something.
Where the fuck is Fitzy? I rehearsed all this 12-step crap, and I can't really get hammered till I help him get his shit together.
Arnie just called.
He's stuck at the club.
Him and Fitzy gonna be a little late.
Fuck it.
We tried.
All right, everybody, let's party! [PEOPLE CHEERING.]
Open that bar up! Yeah, it's true.
I fucked a bum.
[LAUGHTER.]
And I ain't talking about a dude who's in between apartments.
I'm talking a genuine aftershave-drinking hobo.
[LAUGHTER.]
So we was messing around in his refrigerator box, and he says [GRAVELLY VOICE.]
"Do you have any protection?" I'm all, "Hell no.
People who plan ahead generally don't fuck motherfucking vagrants.
" [LAUGHTER.]
[UPBEAT MUSIC.]
[LAUGHTER.]
You know, Ron Not the funniest guy in the world, but he sure knows how to throw an intervention.
Apparently being the funniest guy isn't enough.
Ron has a hit show, and Adam has a hit album.
Have you heard it? It's pretty good.
Fuck no.
Heard he hasn't seen a dime either.
Imagine how arrogant he'd be with money and Goldie's nose up his ass.
You mean "uppity"? Easy, Ralpholm X.
This isn't about race.
[SCOFFS.]
I know you just realized you're black and you're having a hard time with it, but I'm not the enemy.
Also, if memory serves me right, you were saying the same shit about Adam a year ago.
That's 'cause a year ago, my arrogant ass was jealous, the same way yours is now.
[SCOFFS.]
Ralph's black? All right, keep it going for Dawn Lima! Oh, yeah! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
Beautiful! She's gorgeous! Come on! Hey, Dawn, I'm not a bum, but I have been known to take a crap at a bus stop.
[LAUGHTER.]
Let me over there, all right? Whatever happened to chivalry, right? Come on! Do what I can to be nice to a lady What's happening? [LAUGHS.]
[ARNIE.]
Help her with doors, right? I hold the door open, you know, like any man should.
The girl goes, "No! No one" You wanna hit Fitzy's thing? I told Cassie I'd meet her there later.
Who's that, the Jewish broad? You mean my girlfriend? What? There goes the hungry kid who threw a $600 watch back in my face, pushed himself into my hotel room, and practically begged me to hire him.
Well, what if I'm holding the door to an abortion clinic? Is it modern then? Is it modern then? [LAUGHS.]
- [MAN.]
Boo! - Shut up! People make better decisions drunk than they do in relationships.
The thing's a hindrance, okay? Mark my words.
Okay, well, Cassie's not a thing.
Women are a thing.
Love, whatever the fuck that is, is a thing.
Love is a thing.
Pretty messed up, Roy.
Trust me.
If it can be taken away, it's a thing.
[UPBEAT FUNKY MUSIC PLAYING ON STEREO.]
[GRUNTS.]
Oh, excuse me, Billy.
My bad.
I knight thee Sir Adam, both winning and effective.
[LAUGHING.]
Okay cool.
[RELAXED MUSIC PLAYING ON STEREO.]
Hey.
I tried calling you at Bill's.
I met your uncle Chris last night at the club right after you left.
He's here with your cousin, staying at the Hollywood Premiere Motel on Sunset for a week if you want to stop by.
I got it, thanks.
Nick.
What do you want? We girlfriends now? No, but you were there for me in Wink.
Well, this isn't Wink.
Okay.
I-I don't know what I just walked into.
I just meant that having someone here know about Uh, it feels better.
Why don't you go tell Eddie? Okay? That guy's a fucking saint.
Jesus, Nick.
You don't want to tell Eddie because you'd rather be some scrubbed-up version of yourself than what's sitting here now, then fine.
But don't start looking at my shit 'cause you can't handle yours.
Am I wrong? Don't.
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING ON STEREO.]
Oh, uh, yeah.
Just an FYI.
R-Ron thinks you hate him.
YEAH, JUST AN FU: I do.
Okay, well, maybe can you just pretend tonight to Just relax, okay? I know how to put on a show.
All right, now, where the hell is that fucking drunk, Fitzy? [LAUGHTER.]
F-Fitzy's actually running a little late.
Oh, it's Benny time! [LAUGHS.]
You, my friend I owe you an apology.
I owe you an apology, 'cause I was a dick.
I saw your show I'm over here.
I saw your show.
- You are a funny fuck.
- Really? Now, the rest of the jungle, I wouldn't give you a dime, but you got "breakout" written all over you.
You really think so? 'Cause I mean, the show - has moments where I think - There is no show.
You hear me? There is no show.
It's you and people talking until you get back on-screen.
You understand? Hey, I got this great Bolivian shit from my PA if you're up for it.
Well, take me to your mirror.
- All right.
- Over there? [MAN.]
Fitzy! Whoo, Fitzy! Hold on a second.
Fitzy! You got a drinking problem! Anybody else want to weigh in or Let your tears Message received.
Now can somebody please get me a fucking drink in this hellhole? [LAUGHTER.]
- I did what I could.
- Such a putz.
You know what? Shit's about to get crazy in here.
What do you say we take a little ride? You got someplace in mind? Oh, yeah.
Come on.
[UPBEAT FUNK MUSIC PLAYING ON STEREO.]
Oh, hey.
What's going on? Come here, I wanna show you something.
What? Come on.
[KNOCK AT DOOR.]
[EDGAR.]
I'll be right back.
[KNOCK AT DOOR.]
I got it.
Oh, shit.
Hey.
The owner here? How do you know I'm not the owner? I'm just kidding.
Come on.
We got a noise complaint.
Bet you did.
Ah, our boys in blue.
What can I do for you? We got a noise complaint.
Roy Martin.
Pleasure.
- [MUSIC STOPS.]
- [PEOPLE MURMURING.]
Roy Martin.
What, you guys don't own a fucking TV? You the owner, sir? I'm glad you're here, sirs, 'cause I have something to confess.
I am an arsonist.
I did Carson.
I did it.
I got the fucking couch.
How about that? I met Carol Channing.
Very nice.
She smells like Poligrip.
And how does Goldie repay me? - Huh? - [EDGAR.]
Sorry, guys.
He's bitter about a lot of things.
A Big Red fucking soda commercial! Whoo! She doesn't get to tell me what my future is! No one does! No one tells me what to do! - [BOTTLE SHATTERS.]
- [PEOPLE EXCLAIM.]
Hands against the wall.
Okay, maybe you guys do.
[EDDIE.]
I was gonna surprise you later, but, you know.
Wow.
[SOMBER MUSIC.]
That was a fun night.
Yeah.
Not as fun as tonight.
What? Nothing.
All right, guys, I'll tell you what.
Here's a little something for all you do.
Uh, put it away, sir, or you'll be joining him.
[RON.]
Excuse me, Officers.
Uh, I'm-I'm the homeowner.
Is there a problem? Several, starting with a noise complaint, attempted assault on an officer [BILL.]
They got mad 'cause I spilled my drink, Ron.
Why-why did you do that, Bill? You Benny the Mailman? Watts Local? Well, I'm Ron Shack.
I-I play Benny the Mailman.
Oh, my wife and I love that show.
[LAUGHS.]
Great.
Yeah, yeah, no.
It's-it's a great show.
Uh, do you guys want an autograph? O-or you want a picture? I-I got the camera.
I if it's not too big of an inconvenience.
Huh, "incon" No, it'd be my pleasure.
- Here, Edgar, you wanna take - Hey, you know what? Why don't I do it? Really? Yeah, Roy will take it.
Let's get him out of the shot.
- He's gonna ruin everything.
- [BILL.]
Yeah.
Just get out of the shot, Bill.
You guys ready? Let's do this, huh? [ROY.]
Say "cheese.
" Cheese.
Yeah.
[PEOPLE CHEERING.]
There you go.
[SLOW JAZZY BASS MUSIC.]
Man, you think breaking into this place is a good idea? These motherfuckers owe you money.
We gonna get that money.
All right.
What, you gonna break down the door? Ain't no fucking key.
Just gonna open the door.
Okay, all right.
Fuck it.
[MAN.]
Yeah [MAN.]
Big boy.
Oh, yeah.
- [MAN.]
Whoa! - [WOMAN GASPS.]
What the who the fuck Adam? Adam! [LAUGHS.]
Hey, Rusty.
[LAUGHING NERVOUSLY.]
Hey.
[LAUGHS.]
Adam, my brother! [LAUGHS.]
Hey, it's kind of late.
[LAUGHS.]
Your associate, I'm presuming? Hmm? You owe this motherfucker five grand, and we're here to collect.
I didn't catch your name, my man.
Huh? [LAUGHS.]
Adam, hey, it's like we talked about.
Okay? Money is on the way.
All right? But there's a lot of overhead we gotta pay off first, okay? It sucks, but you gotta spend money to make money, right? Why the fuck are you talking to him when I'm the motherfucker talking to you? [LAUGHS.]
Fellas, fellas, come on.
[LAUGHS.]
You oh, man.
Listen Ah! Oh, fuck.
What the fuck? Okay.
[RALPH.]
Pull a gun on me, motherfucker? No, no, no, no, no! Get your ass up.
Ah! [YELLING.]
Now it's a party.
[ADAM.]
Man, Rusty, man, just give us the five and we'll be gone.
Fuck you coons! It's not here! - [BONE CRUNCHES.]
- [YELLS.]
Where's that fucking money? I'll get it! I'll get it! I'll get it tomorrow! - [BONE CRUNCHES.]
- [RUSTY YELLS.]
Oh, shit.
Oh, fuck.
It's in the safe! It's in the safe! Jane! Adam, help Jane with that Adam? Is-is he okay? Jane, go get that money! And a and a glass of water! [ROY.]
It's Benny time! - [LAUGHTER.]
- [ROY.]
I'm a mailman.
A little white, fat mailman in Watts! What's the problem? [LAUGHTER.]
More wooden than fucking Howdy Doody time! Ronny! I love this.
Special delivery.
[BLOWS RASPBERRY.]
[LAUGHTER.]
Where's Dragnet, huh? What, they had to rush off? Was there a I don't know, maybe maybe an emergency at the, uh, Family Affair kids' house or something? [LAUGHTER.]
I mean, they didn't even know who the fuck you were.
Do you want to know why? Because all you are to them is some dusty old scratched record on their father's Victrola.
- That's all you are.
- [BILL.]
Whoa, whoa, whoa! - You're a fucking nothing.
- You're fucking nothing! You're nobody! You know what you are? You're a fucking trivia question five years from now, you fucking hack! - All right - I am Mount Rushmore compared to you.
Do you understand? I'm an icon! Who are you, fucker? Who am I? You know what, Roy? This is who I am.
[EDGAR.]
Ron, come on, don't be that guy.
- Ron.
- [RON.]
Right there.
[BILL.]
Ron.
This is me.
You sorry, pathetic, broke fuck.
[CHUCKLES.]
[AL.]
Guys! Guys! - [BILL.]
Jesus, Ron! - I think Fitzy's drowning.
What? [AL.]
He's drowning! Come on! [COUGHING.]
You okay, Fitzy? Yeah, yeah.
I just I needed to take a leak anyway.
Come on, get up.
Let's go.
[COUGHS.]
Whoa, whoa.
What's wrong? What's wrong? Somebody call a fucking ambulance.
Go, go! [FITZY.]
I-I can't - [FITZY.]
I can't Br-breathe.
- [MAN.]
Call an ambulance! [SIREN WAILS.]
What's going on? [SIGHS.]
Fuck.
Yeah, yeah, man.
[JOHN DENVER'S "SUNSHINE ON MY SHOULDERS" PLAYING.]
Let's go.
What? You want to leave now? You find a lot of room for interpretation - in that sentence? - All right, I'll be right there.
Okay, he's in a mood.
Who knows how long it'll take? - See you tomorrow? - Yep.
on my shoulders Makes me happy Sunshine In my eyes Can make me Cry Sunshine On the water Looks so lovely What's the problem? Sunshine Almost always You know me, right? Oh, yeah.
I know you.
If I had a day That I could give you I'd give to you A day That is everything, plus the pot he pisses in.
Stubborn fuck.
He'll be back.
If I had A song That I could sing for you I'd sing a song To make you feel This way Sunshine On my shoulders Makes me happy Sunshine In my eyes can make me Cry Sunshine On the water Looks so lovely Sunshine Almost always Makes me high If I had A tale That I could tell you I really do love Eddie.
Between me and him, I'd pick Eddie too.
They're shooting a sketch show live out of New York City.
Lorne Michaels, he's coming Thursday night to catch your act.
I got Carson.
You're going on as a guest, not a stand-up.
I'm sorry, what, I'm not going to do stand-up? Do you think love conquers all? Because it doesn't it obliterates! - Roy, please! - [SHOUTING.]