I'm Sorry (2017) s02e04 Episode Script

1 Oh my God.
This is beautiful! Bugs, I need you to find us a good tree.
Use your nose.
Mommy, I want that one! That one's a little small for us, don't you think? - It is pretty.
- Ho ho ho, Merry Christmas.
- What's your name, little girl? - Amelia.
Amelia, that's a pretty name.
Is there anything you wanna ask Santa for Christmas? I want an iPad.
She wants an iPad? She's not getting an iPad, she's six.
Hey honey, why don't you ask for something else from Santa? I don't think an iPad's on the table.
- Why? - Why? Because an iPad, boo, is like $500.
So? So, it's a lot, a lot of money even for Santa's workshop.
I would ask for like a science kit or like an art project, maybe some clothes or something.
I think that would be good, right? We have great science kits.
In the meantime, while you're thinking about that, if you want a candy cane, I think Mrs.
Claus left some on the counter over there.
- Go grab one.
- Thank you! Mmhmm.
And what would you like for Christmas, young lady? I don't know.
I'll have to think about it.
Well, you just let me know.
Mom, how bout a picture? You know what? I would love nothing more than a picture of my mother with Santa.
- Oh, this is your mom? - Yes, it is.
That's my mom.
Well, I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
Alright, got it.
Thanks.
- Thank you, that was nice.
- You're a beautiful lady.
You have to be careful.
That's like sexual harassment these days.
I know! Is my mom gonna [Bleep.]
Santa? I don't know.
Alright, well, I guess we're pickin' out the tree by ourselves.
Yep.
(jazzy music) Can't believe Amelia thought there was a world where she was getting a $500 present.
I know, but I mean, to be fair, she has absolutely no frame of reference for what money is.
I mean, a pack of gum could be a dollar.
It could be 1,000.
Well, she needs some perspective.
Or she can just go my mom's route and just blow Santa, get whatever she wants.
[Mike.]
True.
Oh my God, is it time for bed yet? Yeah, it's two PM.
Perfect.
Really don't wanna have to go through Rob's notes before we work tomorrow on a Sunday.
When are you turning in that outline? You've been working on it forever.
I mean, Sony wants it before the holidays but, for my own sanity, I need to get this turned in.
I just have like dick jokes going through my head all night long.
They're like sugar plums but fleshier and more veiny.
- Merry Christmas.
- Ah God, my back is still so sore.
I have not slept well in two weeks.
It's 'cause you're hunching over your computer all day.
I think you're right.
Ya know, one fun thing that happened at work the other day, I bumped into this guy, Noah, who I'd had sex with that I had completely forgotten about.
Why do you feel this is something you need to tell me? I just thought it was weird because ya know, I just forgot that he even existed.
I will tell you, time has not been his friend.
- Well, I hope you told him that.
- I did.
I was like, ya know what, I forgot that you and I have had sex and by the way, you look terrible.
How did he take it? He laughed and then tried to have sex with me again.
It was very uncomfortable.
That's rough.
Speaking of not aging well, my mother, boom, keeps harassing me for Christmas ideas for you.
So get like a list together or something.
Does it even matter what I say? Isn't she just gonna get me some X-rated joke gift? God, I hope so.
I can't help it the fact that my mother injects filth into our Christmas, I find delightful.
It's how I know you're related.
Really? I thought it was our nipples.
Remember when you saw her nipple at the pool? Yeah, I do.
Cool.
(light music) [Amelia.]
Mommy, I'm hungry.
You literally ate breakfast 10 minutes ago.
Well, I'm hungry again.
Oh my God.
Here, gnaw on some almonds.
(phone ringing) Hey honey, what's happening? Nothing, I just wanted to make sure that you were - checking your email.
- Why? Apparently, Amelia needs a pop of color for her camp's holiday show.
Oh yes, that's right.
She's an aquamarine, I forgot.
What is a pop of color? I don't know but these are the kinds of cool phrases her camp has introduced me to.
I think it's just like a blue headband or blue socks or something.
OK, you want me to pick something up? No, I'm already out.
I'll grab something.
Ugh God, my back really is killing me.
Why don't you get a massage? You should use that couples massage that we never used.
This week is insane.
There's no way I can fit that in.
It's just a couple hours and it'll probably - help you sleep better.
- That's true.
- When do you wanna go? - Oh, I can't go.
- This week's crazy for me.
- OK, eat a D.
Why don't you take someone else? Take your mom! [Andrea.]
She would love that.
Eat a D, eat a D, eat a D! I should probably get off the phone.
- Yeah.
- Bye! Don't say that at camp though, OK? (jazzy music) [Amelia.]
Mommy, can we get a lip balm? - I don't know, how much is it? - It's only one dollar.
Only one dollar? You know that a dollar is a lot of money, OK? And when we're thinking about spending a dollar, we have to think about is it something that we really need and can we afford that because Daddy and I have to work very hard to earn a whole dollar.
So, is that lip balm something that you really, really need to have? No, I guess not.
Well then, why don't we spend our hard earned money on something we do need, like a pop of color? OK.
Just look for something blue, OK? Hey Andrea, it's Carrie from Sony.
Yes, hi! - How are you? - I'm great! - How's the outline coming? - Good, good! We're very excited for you guys to read it.
We've been working nonstop.
I mean, I guess not technically nonstop 'cause I'm here shopping but Right.
That's just for my daughter's camp.
I'm heading over to work with Rob right after this, so.
Well great, we look forward to reading it.
- Good, we are excited.
- Mommy, I found the socks.
Great, perfect, let's get those.
Are you sure we can afford them? They're three dollars.
Yes, we can afford three dollars because it's something ya know, that we need.
It's still a lot of money.
Why don't you get in line? - I will meet ya there.
- OK.
We're just teaching her about money.
So I had to make it seem like a big deal.
But obviously, we're doing fine.
I can afford socks.
I just bought new shoes, right? That's like 30 socks.
- Anyway - It's great to see you.
- Good to see you too.
- Have a good one.
- You too, bye.
- Bye.
I mean, I guess good news is now Carrie doesn't think I can afford socks.
So, she'll probably keep us on the payroll longer.
Yeah or maybe she sees you out there shopping without a care in the world and now our outline has to be extra [Bleep.]
perfect.
Then, you're welcome.
- You're welcome? - Yeah.
I never thanked you, literally.
Well, I'm getting ahead of it 'cause I imagine the outline will now turn out better.
So, this is my future self saying you're welcome to the present you.
When you said the word outline, I realized we were still just on the outline stage and I literally, my soul just died.
I know, I know.
Oh shit.
What? Amelia's camp forgot to say all the kids need white T-shirts.
Hold on, I've just gotta text Mike and check if we've got one.
Hey babe, you need to relax.
Anyone ever said to you hey babe, you need to relax? You know what? Ya dick did 'cause it's always relaxing.
'Cause it never gets [Bleep.]
.
That is not what your mother thought last night.
Cool, then my mother and I have something to giggle about when we get our couples massage on Friday together.
Couples massage with your mom? Yeah at 8:30 AM on a Friday.
That's gonna relax me, right? I guess, if you like staring at your mother's puss.
I don't believe that's the service that I signed up for.
So, I think I'm good.
No, no, no.
I mean, you're spending the day at a spa with your mother.
You're definitely gonna see her naked.
- Oh God.
- Sorry, it's just what's happening.
See, ya know, this is why I don't like going to spas, OK? I don't know who's gonna be naked.
You, you're gonna be naked.
With your mom.
God, OK, ya know what? And wait, and you're getting a massage? Yes, I'm getting a massage.
Sounds to me like someone wants to get her puss touched.
Alright, I'm out.
I'm stressed enough.
I don't wanna get my puss touched.
Alright, so good news for you.
Now we can meet at 8:30 on Friday.
Ya know what, I feel like I didn't accurately kinda sell.
- So maybe I could do it again.
- I think you sold it.
If I said it like this, is it better? Puss.
I know you're not gonna believe me, yes, it was better.
Great, alright.
(light music) Sorry, oh my God, parking was a nightmare.
- (sighs) Here we go.
- You OK? Yes, I have 75 minutes allotted to celebrate my child.
- Look, this is so cute.
- I know! Mom, is that my early Christmas present? Is it from the pleasure chest? No, a little something for Amelia.
Is it a Santa penis wine stopper? That would be so funny.
I didn't make it up.
You got me one one year.
- I did get you that? - Yes! Oh God, I love those.
Oh, that's one of my favorite things about you.
Oh, I know.
This year, I had to pull back because Amelia's getting older and she's ruining all my fun.
Mom! Look at you, you're growing up.
You know what, pretty soon, your body's gonna be going through some changes.
I don't want you to be alarmed but, things will be drying up and falling off.
How dare you! - I'm so happy you're here.
- Yeah.
Oh remind me after this, I gotta talk to you about Friday.
I'm so looking forward to that.
Deck the halls with boughs of holly Fa la la la la la la la la Jingle bells, jingle bells Jingle all the way Oh what fun it is to ride in a one horse open sleigh, hey (clapping and cheering) [Woman.]
Wow, I really like that song.
[Woman.]
Yeah, me too.
Who's talking? I don't know.
[Woman.]
You know what this reminds me of? [Woman.]
I think I do know what this reminds you of.
Go tell it on a mountain Over the hills and everywhere Go tell it on a mountain That Jesus Christ is Born (light music) Those teachers were so talented.
I know, they were so much more talented than our six-year-olds.
Thank God they showed us that, right? Do you think they're also better at holding their alcohol and driving? Just feel bad for the poor fuschias that had to follow them with Feliz Navidad.
You know what, maybe we can get the teachers to sing that once we can hear how it's really supposed to go.
Little private concert? (gasps) There she is, my girl! Oh my God, you were so good.
- Did you have fun? - These are for you, monkey.
- Thank you! - Awe.
Mommy, you wore your new shoes.
Of course I did.
I promised I would.
This is a fancy day.
And this is something from me, tootsie roll.
What! Grammy's getting presents.
An iPad! Thank you, Grammy! - You gave her an iPad? - It's my old one.
- I hardly use it anymore.
- Oh my God.
You were wonderful.
There's gonna be some rules with that, OK? Yeah.
Let's head out to the car.
You did a great job, boo.
(upbeat music) My mom completely [Bleep.]
us.
Yeah and it wasn't even a Christmas present.
It was a gift for singing in a holiday show.
I mean, if she performed like one of the teachers, ya know, maybe I could understand.
Did you see the pure joy that washed over our child's face? It was hard to watch.
We can't even take the iPad away now 'cause she wouldn't know why.
She would just think we were being assholes.
I plan on giving her a lot more reasons to think we're assholes in the future, so I don't wanna just burn through those all now.
If our child just assumes things magically appear, then she wants without a price tag.
Just honestly, it's making me crazy.
I think we need to like maybe give her an allowance and start having her pay for some shit.
Show her there's a price to pay for her thirsty capitalism.
I'm on board with that.
I really wish we could cancel this massage tomorrow.
But ugh, I can't do that to my mom even though she was an insensitive ass [Bleep.]
today.
She is so excited that it's all she talked about before you showed up.
She loves spending time with her daughter.
I get it.
The spa thing is just stressing me out.
How are you stressed out about a spa? Because apparently I'm gonna see my mom's puss.
What? Yeah and maybe all the pusses there.
Oh God.
I just don't know what the rules are and it gives me anxiety.
I'm fine being naked but am I supposed to be naked right away? Do I wear a suit and then take that off at some specific spot? What's everyone else gonna be wearing? I don't really know but anytime I've ever gone, a lot of people are nude.
Great.
I guess it's just gonna be me and my mom nude all morning.
Well, I can imagine that's gonna help you with your sleep.
Not unless I suddenly become attracted to my mom's puss.
(sighs) Now I'm not gonna be able to sleep.
Too aroused, I get it.
No.
OK, you could do worse than my mom's puss.
Why would you make me say something like that? And around the holidays? (jazzy music) Alright, I gotta drop Amelia off at camp 'cause I gotta get to the nudist colony with my mom by 8:30.
Mm mm.
Don't mm mm me.
No, I am a very funny person.
You're very lucky to be with me.
- I agree with all of that.
- Really? - [Mike.]
Yes.
- Wow.
And you know who else would agree with you.
- Julie from work.
- Oh.
Was there a specific example of my comedic genius or just like this was a blanket observation of my gifts? Jesus.
We were in lunch and I told her about how you bumped into that guy you forgot you had sex with.
She thought it was hysterical.
Uh, that was not the story.
Yeah, it was.
No, Mike, the story was I bumped into a guy who I'd forgotten about that I had sex with.
How is that different than what I said? You said that I bumped into a guy that I forgot I had sex with.
That makes it sound like I'm like a crazy sex maniac who's just like had sex with 1,000 people.
I don't think that's true.
Mike, how many people would I have had to have sex with to forget that someone had been inside my body? I remember every single person who's been inside me.
Wish my numbers were higher, but they're not, alright? Why do you wish your numbers were higher? Because that would mean I'd really lived a life.
OK but I guarantee that wasn't Julie's takeaway.
There's no world where that was not her takeaway.
I am going to now have to email Julie.
- OK.
- I gotta go.
- I'll tell my mom's puss you say hi.
- Please don't.
If it says hi first, I'm not gonna be rude.
Yeah, don't be rude to your mom's You were gonna say puss.
Uh, nope.
You almost said my mom's puss.
Yeah, I almost did.
I love you so much.
(giggling) (light music) Mom, I can't comprehend why you thought it was OK to give her an iPad without asking us first.
It was my old one.
I just had it in the back of my closet.
She doesn't know the difference and we're trying to teach her the value of money.
- Oh, come on.
- No, now, she wants an expensive gift.
Few days later, here comes Grammy.
She didn't have to earn it or anything.
She sang Jingle Bells? Yeah, that was no Go Tell It On The Mountain.
I just think you're making such a big deal outta this.
OK fine.
This is nice.
Yeah.
Oh! Look at you.
Is that a new suit? Mmhmm.
I like it.
(jazzy music) I'm getting kinda hot.
You wanna go sit in the quiet room? No, you know what, I think I'll probably just hang here.
Maybe hit the sauna.
You sure? Yeah, as ya know polite society can attest to being quiet is not my jam.
Well, that's true.
Alright, I'll meet you in the massage then.
Perfect, great.
See ya later.
You look great, by the way.
Thank you.
(jazzy music) (sighs) (exhaling) - [Woman.]
Andrea? - Beth! - Oh my God.
- Hi! What are you doing here? I mean, I guess I know what you're doing here.
Yeah, I never even have been here before.
Oh my God, I come here all the time.
It's a best kept secret.
I was given a gift certificate.
Oh, that was a good friend.
- Yeah, yeah.
- How's your break going? Are you guys traveling? Are you staying here? Uh, not traveling, staying here.
- Staying here, yeah.
- Good, good, lucky.
Yeah, yeah, no, it's been just working and um, what are you guys doing? We're heading to Cincinnati.
That's where Tim's family is from.
But they don't believe in WiFi, so it's gonna be a long week.
- Yeah.
- Great, great.
Lots of songs around campfires and that sort of thing.
Oh, maybe fun.
But, well, good.
Yeah, I'll let you get back to your sweat, but it was so good to see you.
You too! You have a great holiday.
I will, it's been nice to Yes, mmhmm.
Thanks.
- Uh huh, bye.
- Bye! Good to see you.
[Beth.]
Ditto.
(jazzy music) [Mother.]
You put a bathing suit on.
Yes, I did.
I just experienced an areola to areola hug with a mom I see every day at drop off.
Oh Jesus.
Yeah, oh my God.
(groaning) OK, you've gotta be shitting me.
I'm confused.
How was that relaxing.
To be clear, it was not.
But my mom's moaning was so aggressive that we were forced to move into another massage room and there, I was able to get quite a pleasant massage and I fell asleep halfway through.
Since the room wasn't booked, they let me sleep for two hours.
- That sounds like what you needed.
- It was! Then the day just got better from there.
Rob and I got a ton of work done and I got an email back from your friend, Julie, at work.
Really? Uh huh, she said that she had misunderstood the story and was quote, relieved to find out that I am not a harlot.
I'm glad that got cleared up.
I'm thrilled, thank you! Do you like my snowflakes? Bugs, those are awesome! Wow! Feel like it's snowing in Los Angeles, boo! Mommy, can I have a phone? Can you get a phone? No! But you could just get a new one and give me your old one.
Oh my gosh.
I'm sorry, I tried to explain it to her.
- That's not how things work.
- Uh huh.
You know what Bugs, we're actually gonna start giving you some chores to do around the house and we're gonna give you an allowance.
$2 a week.
- Really? - Yeah but you gotta work for it.
And you gotta start paying for some things.
So if you wanna download a song and it's like $2, you're gonna have to work a whole week for that song.
So, I want you to be prepared to have to work very hard for the things that you wanna buy, OK? You understand what we're saying? You mean how you worked hard to pay for those new shoes? Mmhmm.
They were probably $10.
Uh huh and I had to work very hard to earn those $10.
That's a lot of money.
- She did.
- Uh huh.
Alright, let's go empty the trash cans in the bathroom 'cause that's your new chore.
Come on.
- [Amelia.]
OK! - That's a good chore! I like that one.
So that's what we're doing now? We're just lying to her about how much things cost? Yep.
And are you aware you told her that she can buy new rag and bone boots for five weeks of allowance? Are you aware that you gave her a god damn iPad? Yeah.
Yeah, turn away.
You know what you did.
(jazzy music) Alright, it's sent.
- Out of our hands now.
- Oh my God.
Is this what vacation feels like? Ugh, now does this mean I have to start working with Kyle again? Barf.
Well I mean, she could write back and say she hates it and we have to start over.
You know what? I love that positive attitude.
- HIV positive.
- Oh, good one.
HIV positive.
That's great.
Happy holidays.
I'm getting a to go cup.
Do you want anything? - Nah, I'm good.
- Alright.
Noah, hey! Oh, hey, good to see you again! You too! Hey, were your ears burning last week? No, why? Well, I told my husband that I bumped into you and that we had hooked up back in the day.
He was a little jealous I think.
It was kinda fun.
Um, we never hooked up.
We just lived in the same building on Orange.
Oh shit.
- Noah.
- Yes.
- Right! You lived with Vanessa.
- Yeah! Still together.
- Oh my God! - Yeah, married.
- Congratulations.
- Thank you.
Um, if you ever meet my husband, if you could not mention this.
How is that gonna come up? I think there's a pretty high chance, yeah.
I will not mention it.
- Thank you.
Good to see you.
- Good, great to see you.
- Bye.
- Bye! (light music) - Honey.
- You're still up? Well, I got you a little something.
Just a small I'm sorry for everything to do with the iPad.
Mom, thank you.
You didn't have to do that.
- What is this? - Wind it up.
(clicking) - Santa [Bleep.]
a pig.
- Yes! Yeah! - Mom, Merry Christmas.
- Merry Christmas, honey.
- Thank you.
- It reminded me of you.
The pig or Santa? - The pig! - That's what I was gonna say.
- They just look so happy.
- I know, do it again.
(laughing) I love Christmas.