Impastor (2015) s02e04 Episode Script

1 Previously on "Impastor" We've got trouble.
Kenny's ex-cellmate is in Ladner.
- What's this guy want? - 20 grand.
If you're serious about giving us a shot, - so am I.
- Oh! - You new in town? - My man Damien went to Ladner to find you, and no one has seen him since.
You better tell me where he is - Ah! - And I better like your answer.
[dramatic music.]
Where's Damien? I don't know.
Ow! Ow! We're going to find out just how much pain you can take.
Is it weird I have a boner right now? Where is he? Did you kill him? Ow! I think we should have a safe word.
You killed him, didn't you? You saw that $50,000 watch and you just had to have it.
Ah! Say good-bye, Buddy Dobbs.
I didn't take his watch! I didn't kill him.
I don't know where he is.
You're gonna play it like that, huh? All right, guess I just need a new tool.
I'd go with that feathered thing.
Ever seen one of these? It's called the "Ball Crusher.
" I hope that's a misleading name.
[screaming.]
Oh, God.
I haven't started yet.
I'm really sensitive down there.
Oh, well this is going to be a really long day for you.
And a fun one for me.
Uh, what is the update on the Future Lutheran Farmers of America event? Well, we have some good news.
This year, Russell and I managed to secure us a booth upwind of the pig trough.
Thank goodness.
Boy, last year, - that was a-a nasal assault.
- Yeah.
Also, we are co-hosting the "Pancake Pig-out" with Moffat Lutheran.
You're welcome to join us later.
We're meeting the Moff-Lu rep on-site to discuss griddles.
But the big news is, and this was all Dora's doing, - by the way - No.
This year's livestock blessing will be given by Ladner Trinity's very own Pastor Buddy Barlow.
Well, that is a coup.
I must admit, you two make an adequate team.
Yeah, we do.
[chuckles.]
- Boom.
- Boom.
Both: Ah! I take it back.
Time for a new toy.
You know what? I feel like I've been a selfish lover.
Maybe we should switch.
This ends when you tell me where Damien is.
What, are you going to drill a hole in my head? Oh, no, no, no.
I am not going anywhere near your head.
[whirring.]
[phone ringing.]
Hold on.
Yeah? No, I can't right now.
I'm busy.
Fine.
I will be right over.
Looks like you will be getting a little break.
Darn.
- Oh, don't you worry.
- [gags.]
Me and the drill-doh, we will be back.
[door opens, closes.]
[dramatic music.]
[grunting.]
[grunting.]
[upbeat music.]
You better man up You better ride on I'd like to access my safe deposit box, please.
- Number 204.
- Of course.
Could you sign in, please? Gus, would you take Ms.
Smith to box 204, and then to private room C? You wanted to know if anyone ever came in to open box 204.
Well, she's here right now.
You've got some hell Hell to pay Ah-ah-ah-ah Ah-ah-ah-ah Ah-ah-ah-ah First dates.
Am I right? Excuse me, Miss? May I see you, please? Sorry, I don't have time right now.
Miss? There's nothing you You can say 'Cause I'm a hangman It was time to take my flattened balls to Mexico, right after I grabbed that 50 G's of Damien's dead wrist.
All I had to do was get out without Buddy? Where are you going with that gym bag? Uh, to the gym, of course.
Hmm.
Well, I have some great news.
Out of all the Lutheran pastors in the area, you have been chosen to give the livestock blessing this year before the Pancake Pig-out.
- [squeals.]
- Oh.
You know, I'm sure other pastors who will be here long after I'm gone deserve the honor more.
And that's why you beat out the other two.
'Cause you're so darned modest.
I'm gonna miss you, Dora.
You know, when I'm at the gym.
Okay.
[chuckles.]
Look, that must be our Moffat co-chair.
Hello.
Hi.
Welcome to my ranch.
I'm Jeremy Hawkins.
['80s music playing.]
It's gotta be the world's worst secret It was never a question I'm not even trying to keep it If I could get your attention Yes, and you are? Oh, um, I'm I'm Dora Winston.
We went to Ladner High together.
We were 16 lockers apart.
- Dora? - Yeah.
- Man, you have changed.
- Oh, yeah.
And it's me, Russell.
Russell Kerry? Maybe this will jog your memory.
- Luke Handwalker! - Yep.
I can still do it.
Barely.
- Well, good to see you, man.
- [phone ringing.]
Oh.
It's Alden.
Excuse me.
So, I can't believe how gorgeous you are now.
Oh, no.
Stop.
[chuckles.]
Or don't.
You know, your call.
How have you been after all these years? Are you married? Kids? Interesting question.
Um, on one hand, I am not married nor do I have kids.
How about you? Do you, um, um, work for the church? Oh, just on a-a volunteer basis.
I try to give back whenever I can break away from running my companies.
Companies? That sounds so plural.
- Are you married? - I am.
Uh, do you remember Chelsea Higgins? Let me think.
Wasn't she your prom date? Blue satin dress, scoop neck, rose gold earrings that matched her crown? Yes, wow, okay.
Good memory.
Uh, married 15 years now.
Three beautiful kids.
And a bird.
He's like our fourth child.
[squeaks.]
You have a date? Who is it? The widow Bagley? Has she gotten feeling back on her left side yet? No, she's still half-tingle.
No, my date is considerably younger and I just wanted to get your input on what attire you might think would be appropriate.
Where are you taking her? Well, I thought I'd invite her over to my new pad.
Ah, I little Netflix and chill? Stop that Martian talk.
No, we'll be having dinner and drinks.
Then keep it caj.
Just wear jeans.
Dungarees? Well, I'm not a long-haul trucker.
Jeans are very in.
You should go see Alexa.
She'll fix you up.
It's where I get all my clothes.
I'll go anyway.
[breathing heavily.]
Hello, Mr.
Dobbs.
Hi there.
I knew if I let you escape, you'd lead me to Damien.
You lied to me.
I can see how it looks that way.
But I didn't kill him.
And yet you knew he was dead and buried.
Yes, and let me be the first to say how sorry I am for your loss.
I don't give a shit about him.
What I want is that watch.
Inside is a microchip with numbers to a Cayman Island bank account worth killing over.
Easy now.
Clearly I don't have the watch or I wouldn't be here.
Right, but you know who does.
And you're gonna get it for me or I'm going to put a bullet in the redhead I saw you hugging this morning.
Go ahead.
I don't care about her.
You know, for a con man, you're a terrible liar.
That's hurtful.
Okay! I'll get you your watch.
Just I'm gonna need a little time.
A little time is all you and she will get.
Just invite him to prom.
You can do this.
It's gotta be to world's worst secret It was never a question I'm not even trying to keep it If I could get your attention About you - Dora? - Uh, what, Russell? Will you go to prom with me? - Uh - Please, please, please.
Don't make me beg.
Please? - Okay.
- Yes.
A little miracle A spark inside your Hey.
There's my loyal, overworked assistant who should really get out of town for a while.
How about you take a month-long vacation starting right now? Um, and sit alone in a hotel room thinking about what could have been? [scoffs.]
No thank you.
Or sit alone by the pool and think about what could have been.
Um, I freckle in the sun.
Your voicemail said you had a new lead.
Please tell me it worked out.
No dice.
Ray said that if he did not get his money today, he was gonna burn down the church.
- What church? - The one you're the pastor of.
- Oh, right.
- He's not bluffing, Buddy.
Ray spent eight years in jail for arson.
If he burns down that beautiful church, I will never forgive myself.
Look, I'm not gonna let anything happen to the church or you.
Just call Ray.
Tell him to meet you at your store in an hour.
I needed that hour to call every pawn shop in the state to see if anyone had hocked Damien's watch, but I came up empty.
Alden, what's taking so long? If you don't come out, I am coming in.
These slacks are ridiculous.
There's no pleats.
They're jeans and they look great on you.
Oh, well, I don't know.
Maybe I should try something else.
Do you have any jeans without denim? No.
Trust me, you look very stylish.
Yeah, well, you're just trying to sell me.
Well, here, you sir.
What do you think of these blue jeans? You make 'em work.
I'll take 'em.
Uh, I assume you take Diners Club.
You can wear 'em out.
Pay me later.
I expect the friends and family discount.
You got my 20 Gs? - [beeping.]
- My jeans are beeping.
- Keep going, they're fine.
- Let me put it another way.
You better have my 20 Gs.
Hey there, Ray.
What are you doing here? Alexa says you threatened to burn down the church tonight.
We both know you're not gonna do that.
Yeah? Why is that? Because one, it doesn't get you your money.
And two, you don't have the balls, Sparky.
Buddy.
Is that right? Have you lost your mind? Now he's definitely going to try and torch the church.
[coughs.]
Let's hope so.
[upbeat music.]
So? I say with go with chocolate chip for the pancake eating contest.
That is exactly what I said.
Didn't I say that, Russell? - I didn't hear you say that.
- I said it.
Ooh, this is kind of silly, but I feel like I should, um, tell you back in high school, I came this close to asking you to prom.
That's crazy because I was going to ask you to prom too.
- No way.
- Way.
Okay, let's focus on the present, people.
Which whipped cream should we go with? As a matter of fact, Handwalker here knew about it, and he boxed me out.
Is that true? Did you know that he was gonna ask me to prom? Oh, who can remember? Remember me? Pastor Barlow? I do.
Look, I got an anonymous call from someone saying they're going to burn down Ladner Trinity church tonight.
I need you to stake it out and catch the guy.
So you want me to put a squad car out by the church all night, leaving a portion of the town unguarded? No.
No, no, I just want you to bust this creep before he firebombs Our Lord's house.
Why would someone tell you when and where they're going to commit a crime? Well, you know better than me, there are a lot of crazies out there.
You know what's crazy? A pastor asking for a cell phone from an evidence drawer, then when I leave the station unguarded for a minute, the cell phone ends up missing.
That is crazy.
So, why don't we discuss that for a while, your holiness.
I can see you're busy.
This is a church matter, we'll handle it internally.
Mm-hmm.
Her cell phone talk gave me an idea.
If I dug up Damien's phone, maybe it could help me find his killer.
But first, I had to prevent an arson.
Burn the church? By God, it's another Lutheran hate crime.
When will this scourge end? This seems like something you were going to go to the police about.
I did go to the police.
Unfortunately, there's a manpower shortage, so we are going to have to keep an all-night vigil on the church.
- You mean a stakeout? - Excellent idea.
Let's take shifts.
We'll divide up into teams.
I'll take anyone but Russell.
Okay.
I'll take Buddy.
I'll bring my night vision goggles.
- We'll take the late shift.
- I will take the first shift.
I do have plans for the evening.
Please don't ask anything further.
I guess we've got the middle shift.
All right, I have a date.
Let it go already.
Alden, you can't take a shift by yourself.
Don't worry, I'll have my two partners with me.
Smith and Wesson.
Alden Schmidt, you stay away from that criminal.
Just call 911.
On the other hand, if you feel threatened, you gotta do what you gotta do.
Yes, Alden.
Remember, this is the Lord's house you're protecting, so shoot him if you have to.
Yep.
[grunts.]
[grunts.]
Damn it! You gotta be kidding me.
Sweet kicks.
- [grunts.]
- Oh, there's only one shovel.
We'll take it from here.
That cop, Hyde, must have taken the watch, too.
Can you think of one reason why somebody would want to burn down our church? Well, according to Schmidt, Lutherans are the most persecuted religion on Earth.
- [both screaming.]
- I'm sorry.
It's just me reporting for my official shift change.
Oh, I'm gonna have to report for an official pants change.
- See you guys tomorrow.
- Bye.
Hey, Russell, you knew how much I liked Jeremy, and you also knew that he was going to ask me to the prom, and yet you still begged me to go with you.
Why would you do that? [bell ringing.]
There's no way you're getting out of this.
Jeremy, you lost the bet.
You have to ask Dorka out.
Okay, okay.
This blows.
Hey, Luke Handwalker, go find your friend, Dora.
I want to ask her to the prom.
[bell ringing.]
Well, why? Because I didn't have a date and I didn't want to go by myself.
That's it? That could have been the most romantic night of my life.
Hey, we had fun.
Until you sprained your ankle.
Yeah.
'Cause you fell on me tubthumping to Chumbawamba.
Oh, hey, look.
Buddy's here.
[romantic music.]
That dinner was so yummy.
I didn't know Cafe de Ladner delivered.
They don't.
The owner is a personal debtor of mine.
Only the best for you.
[chuckles.]
Aww.
Careful, Alden, you'll spoil me.
[both chuckling.]
I would like nothing better.
You're so sweet.
And you are so beautiful.
[breathing heavily.]
Oh! [exhales sharply.]
I think you better go.
This key to a stakeout is to stay alert at all times.
I learned that on that detective show Shh! Did you hear that? No.
I wasn't listening.
Somebody's out there.
I'm gonna check it out.
We're supposed to stay in the car and call 911.
I'm coming with you.
All right.
He's here, I know it.
I'll put on my night vision.
Wow, these things work great.
It's like a light went on.
[exploding.]
Son of a bitch!