In Living Color (1990) s02e04 Episode Script

You can do what you wanna do In living color - In living color- You know what I'm sayin' You can do what you wanna do - In living color- In living color You can walk on the moonFloat like a balloon You see, it's never too lateand it's never too soon - Take it from me It's a'ight to be - In living color And how would you feel knowingprejudice was obsolete And all mankind dancedto the exact beat - And at night it was safeto walk down the street - In living color You can do what you wanna do In living color In living color You can do what you wanna do - In living color- In living color Everybody here is equally kind Everybody hereis equally kind Everybody, everybodyeverybody, everybody - Everybody here is equally kind - In living color What's mine is yoursand what's yours is mine In living c-c-c-olor You can do what you wanna do In living color - In living color- You know what I'm sayin' You can walk on the moonFloat like a balloon You see, it's never too lateand it's never too soon - Take it from me It's a'ight.
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.
- [Audience Applauding.]
- Um, Shawn, where's the dancers? - I don't know, Keenen.
Anybody check their dressing rooms? What's up? - I don't know, man.
You can check my dressing room.
- [Audience Laughing.]
All right.
I'm going to see what's going on.
Boy, this is so weird.
They're usually so responsible.
Hey, hey, hey.
What's going on here, ladies? - [Fly Girls.]
Hi, Keenen.
- Why aren't you guys on stage? Hey, sorry, Keenen.
I guess we just got caught up in this open-heart surgery thing.
Well, you guys are my dancers, remember? Keenen, the only reason we're dancing is to work our way through medical school.
Well, look, until med school is finished, you have a contract with me.
Now, someone has to start the show.
- Well, Keenen, we have this patient.
- Well, go on, ladies.
I feel better already.
- Could you close for us? - Excuse me? We'll open for you if you close for us.
Here, it's just like sewing on a button.
[Fly Girls.]
Good luck.
And you guys thought they were just sex objects.
- I know I did.
- [Audience Laughing.]
SW1, kick it.
- You can do what you wanna doin living color- [Applause.]
- In living color- You know what I'm sayin' You can do what you wanna doin living color In living color [Organ.]
[Announcer.]
And now, from the Faith Ministry Church.
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it's time once again for another Hour Of Power TVprayer.
- Hallelujah.
- Hallelujah, brothers.
Hallelujah! Greetings, brothers and sisters.
Welcome to another Hour Of Power.
This is TV prayer.
My name is the Reverend M.
Cash.
Cash Money, y'all.
And I'm Reverend Dr.
Carl Pathos.
[Exhales.]
- And we're gonna double-team your faith today.
- Praise the Lord.
That's right.
We're gonna reach down into your soul and get you in the mood.
We're gonna get you excited.
We're gonna make you feel good.
I'm telling you, if all I had was a clock in my pants.
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it would be high noon right now.
Well, I think you need to keep that time to yourself, Reverend.
- Pardon me then.
- No, today's lesson is about tithing.
That's right.
Now I know we've talked about giving of 10% of your earnings.
We talked about that last week and the week before.
And we're gonna keep talking about it till y'all get it right.
We never get tired of that subject because the Lord says.
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you must store up treasures in heaven and not on earth.
[Exhales.]
That's right.
That's why there's a hole in the ozone layer now.
.
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'cause you've all been tardy with your payments.
That's right.
Now some of you.
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some of you have been trying to skate by on five and six percent.
Nice try, but you cannot fool the Lord! Now, I'm gonna read off some names right now.
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and I want you to stand up when you hear your name.
- Raymond Gary.
- Up on your feet.
- Dorothy Bill.
- Rise and shine.
- Joe Wilson.
- Yo, Joe.
Now, your checks have bounced.
Get out.
I rebuke you.
Get out, and take your fat wifewith you.
Get on out ofhere.
That's a sin.
That's an unforgivable sin.
I can feel the sin in this room tonight.
It is that temptation that would make a woman.
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sell her body for upwards of $40.
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even though she wanted it as much as I did.
[Sobbing.]
I have sinned against you! I think what Reverend Pathos is trying to say.
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is that we've all sinned.
Not like me.
Well, we ain't all freakazoids like you, but we've all sinned.
- You see, that's why you're here today.
- [Man.]
Amen.
- But that's okay, see, 'cause the Lord forgives.
- [Pathos.]
The Lord forgives.
- He's forgiven me and will forgive you too.
- He does.
- I know because I've talked to the Lord.
- That's right.
I've talked to him in tongues.
That's right.
That's the only way to get to the Lord.
He don't answer if you just say, "Hey, Lord.
" You gotta speak in a tongue.
- And this man can do it.
- Hold on.
Hold on.
Hold on.
- I got a call right now.
- Oh, my goodness.
[Speaking Gibberish.]
[Singing In Yiddish.]
- [Scatting.]
- Whoo-hoo.
! And I'm back.
And the Lord said to tell you hi.
Whoo! I got the spirit.
I feel like healing.
Yes! We have a candidate right here, Reverend, sitting right in front of us.
- Bring me up someone.
- Come on up here, son.
- What is your affliction, brother? - I can't move my leg.
You can't move your leg? Well, let me get the spirit.
Let me put my hand on it.
I think I feel it.
Oh, here it is.
This is what's been holding you down.
This wallet's been holding you down.
- You are healed.
Get on out of here.
- I can't walk! Praise the Lord.
The spirit has been lifted.
- Amen.
- Amen.
Yes! - Now you've seen the Lord in effect.
- You have seen him.
- You've witnessed the Lord's spirit.
- You were there! - Now, it's time to pay the Lord.
- Pay him up.
- Pay that man his money.
Now, while I collect the offerings.
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.
- [Organ.]
Brother Pathos here will lead us in a song.
Brother Pathos.
I think I saw him on the hill the other day I think I saw him when I watched the children play But when I opened up my voice to sing him praise He ran away Ran away Far away My singing made sweetJesus run away I did not have to wait for judgment.
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.
Wait a minute.
Hold on.
- This ain't working.
- Oh, no.
One dollar.
What's this, one dollar? No, no, we tried to do it the Lord's way.
Now we're gonna do it the good old Give us the money now.
Pay the Lord.
You wanted heaven.
Now reach for it.
And give me them alligator shoes.
Give it up.
Give it up.
- I want shoes! - Now you're giving, brothers.
You're giving now.
[Hip-hop.]
[Hip-hop.]
[Soft Jazz.]
I didn't think I was ever gonna find this wedding reception.
But I'm certainly glad to be here with all my favorite people.
Oh, look at me just rattling on and on like you'd know who I am.
Hi, I'm Benita Batrell.
You know, from over there in Hopkins Projects.
Yeah, I'm a friend of the bride's.
Me and Althea go way back, honey.
That's my homegirl there.
I loves me some Althea.
Oh, there she go now.
Althea! Hey, Althea! Girl, look at you.
Hubba, hubba, zing, zing.
Althea, you got everything.
Look at you.
The blushing bride.
Whoo! I guess you'd be blushing too if you just got through doing the Humpty Dance.
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.
with the best man in the men's room.
That's a slut on wheels there.
Honey, don't ask me what the men see in her.
The girl's so ugly she gotta sneak up on a glass of water to get a drink.
But I ain't one to gossip, so you ain't heard it from me.
Hmm? Of course I was invited.
I just didn't get my invitation, that's all.
Probably too damn cheap to mail it.
But I know I was invited.
Oh, look it here.
There go Lester.
That's the groom there.
Lester! L-L-L-L-Lester! Oh! What you sweating about? You already said "I do.
" He's just as nervous as he can be.
Mmm.
You'd be nervous too if you were waiting on your test results to come back from the free clinic.
But I ain't one to gossip, so you ain't heard that from me.
Whoo, girl, I'm so hungry I could eat a horse.
Look like that's what they're serving too.
I guess Mr.
Ed finally met his maker.
This food is so nasty even the roaches done signed up for food stamps.
I sure hope they got a stomach pump for a wedding present.
Hmm? Of course I was invited.
Oh, look.
Look.
There goes Althea's niece Sharena.
Hey, Sharena.
Hey, Sh-Sh-Sharena.
Ah.
How's my little baby doing? Oh, you look beautiful, hair all done up in those little Shirley Temple curls.
You look like a little angel.
Little devil's more like it.
Wouldn't surprise me none.
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if her nappy head spun around and started speaking in tongues.
But I ain't one to gossip, so you ain't heard that from me.
No, you haven't.
[Sighs.]
Oh, boy.
Yeah.
Mm-mm-mm.
I love me some weddings.
I don't know what's going on these days.
Everyone just rushing to get married.
What's the big rush? You know what it is? These women out here want a man who can do something for them.
But I'll tell you what.
Benita does for herself.
You see this mink here? I bought that myself.
Yes, I did.
It used to be full-length.
Long and lush.
Looked like a queen, honey.
Used to call me Queen Benita.
But one day I was heating up some pig feet, my coat caught on fire.
And this is all that's left.
Yeah, honey.
See, I got me something.
Yes, I do.
I got me something.
And speaking of having something, there goes the Reverend Atkins.
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up there having hisself another drink.
Reverend Atkins.
Reverend Atkins.
It's me, Baby "B.
" How you doing? God, that was a beautiful ceremony.
Just brought tears to my eyes.
You gonna marry me when I'm ready? Well, you go on now, 'cause you certainly outdid yourself.
Drink up.
Drink up.
Hmm? Oh.
Oh, that's Miss Jenkins over there.
That's a fine example of a human being.
I love me some Miss Jenkins.
I dare somebody say something bad about Miss Jenkins.
Don't nobody dare say nothing bad about Miss Jenkins, 'cause that's when I lose it.
That's when I go off.
That's a fine, fine lady.
Mm-hmm.
Just don't get too close to her.
Breath so bad she singe the hair on your nostrils.
But I ain't one to gossip, so you ain't heard that from me.
No, you haven't.
Say what? Oh, this your seat.
Well, mine must be over there somewhere, 'cause I know I was invited.
Even though this is the damn cheesiest wedding I've ever been to in my life.
But I ain't one to gossip, so you ain't heard it from me.
[Applause.]
What's the matter, Tom? You look down.
Well, I hired another white incompetent applicant for a management position.
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and gave the overqualified black applicant the entry-level office job again.
- I feel so terrible.
- I know what you mean, hon.
I called the cops on some black kids that were asking for donations.
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for the United Negro Scholarship fund.
I just assumed they were gang members.
I feel terrible too.
[Announcer.]
Has this ever happened to you? Well, now you can unloadyour guilt in minutes for only $5.
95.
- That's right.
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.
$5.
95.
- How? By simply dialing1- 900-Y.
T.
GUIL T.
Your call will be answered by an educated,militant Afro-American person.
Press 1 for housing discrimination,press 2 forjob discrimination.
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.
or press 3 for plain old scaredyour daughter might marry one of them fear.
This is the Minister Louis Farrakhan.
And what is your crime? Well, they had a vote for affirmative action on the job today.
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and I vetoed it.
Why? Are you afraid that if given a position of authority in that office.
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that black man will repay you for your 300 years of oppression? - Yes, that's it.
- Or is the real fear.
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that you'll be standing side by side in the executive washroom.
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and accidentally look over and be reminded.
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of your anatomical inferiority? You are so spot on.
Please, continue.
I deserve this.
- Well, wait, honey.
I wanna talk too.
- [Groans.]
Hello, uh, Mr.
Farrakhan.
I'm his wife.
Hello, white wife.
And what is your crime? Well, I have this terrible distrust of black people.
In fact, a man was walking behind me today.
And I became so afraid I began to run just as fast as I could.
And even though he wasn't chasing me, I felt as though he wanted something.
Don't you see, it is your own admission of guilt? The fear is your fantasy.
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- of what you really wanted from him.
- Yes.
To be taken away to the motherland.
Set free to run naked in the jungle.
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begging to be dominated by the masters of that land.
- Yes, yes, yes! - Hey, hey.
Don't hog it.
Mr.
Farrakhan, I have one more confession.
I'm sorry.
Your time is up.
But wait.
I was just about to denounce my race.
Listen, if I call you back, will you browbeat us some more? Certainly, you small-minded, anal-retentive, piece of trailer trash.
I threw that one in for free.
Thanks! We'll call right back.
[Announcer.]
Call 1-900-Y.
T.
GUIL Tnow.
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.
and let one of our angry Afro-Americanoperators put you in your place.
You can unload a whole dayof guilt in just minutes.
Well, I feel so much better.
Let's watch Arsenio.
- [Barking.]
- [Barking.]
Dial 1-900-Y.
T.
GUIL T.
Abusers are standing by.
Come on, whitey.
Make that call.
- [Man On CD.]
Here we go.
- [Hip-hop.]
[Man Rapping.]
- Oh, look who it is.
- Good morning, Ruth.
You know, there's nothing like starting my day downwind of you, baby.
[Sniffs.]
Oh, yeah.
Al, I really have to get in my class.
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I got a couple tickets for the Spread Eagle Lounge.
- That's dinner and dancing.
- Drop dead.
Yeah, you know, I used to be able to boogie down with the best of them.
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before I shattered this old hip.
Still got a few good moves left in me.
Doorbell.
Atta girl.
Give me all the woman you got.
You know, I think it's high time you heard Mr.
MacAfee's speech on chicks.
Once you drink from the fountain of Al, make you one thirsty gal.
Go to hell, MacAfee.
Oh, she wants me.
Beggin' like a dog.
Three, two, one.
[Bell Ringing.]
[Bullhorn.]
All right, people, freeze.
Let's get one thing straight.
From locker 57 down to the exit sign, that's MacAfee turf.
I own you people, ya understand? All right, carry on.
Hey, partner.
I thought I told you to cut that hair, big guy.
That goes on your yellow sheet, man.
- Hardison.
- Ow, ow! - What do you got there, son? - Ow.
It's my science project.
- I have to turn it in or I'll flunk.
- Oh, yeah? Let me see that thing.
What the hell is it? It's a C130 troop transport.
It's very fragile.
It took me six months to build.
Please.
What the hell's it made out of, son? Four thousand, - It's very fragile.
Please, be careful.
- Well, that's pretty impressive.
.
.
but I think one of your doohickeys is out of whack here.
- Let me see if I can fix it.
- Mr.
MacAfee, there's no doohickey.
- No! No! - You know, Hardison.
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.
I think it's high time you heard Mr.
MacAfee's speech on work, son.
If you don't plan on doing it right, plan on doing it again, boy.
- That's not fair! - Who said anything about life being fair, son? Life's not fair.
You see this hip? I shattered it playing an innocent game ofTwister.
That's right.
Left hand, blue dot.
That's all she wrote.
Now pick up those Popsicle sticks before I put you on report, Einstein.
- Ringleader, right here.
- You're hurting my arm.
Now, where's your hall pass, princess? I don't have one.
We're between classes.
I think it's high time you heard Mr.
MacAfee's speech on back talk.
Too much sass, no hall pass, adds up to one thing.
Detention, little Miss Lippy.
Let's go.
- But I didn't say anything.
- Are you calling Mr.
MacAfee a liar? - No, I swear.
- Oh, now you're swearing.
No, you're getting all mixed up.
- Mr.
MacAfee's getting all mixed up? - No, this is crazy.
Nobody calls MacAfee crazy, baby.
Come on, you little biker chick! Throw your best shot.
Come on, baby! Come on! Hit me right here on the noggin.
Twenty-one years of jujitsu.
[Groans.]
You're gonna be a grandma by the time you graduate from here! - This is for your own good, son.
- Hey! [Wheezing.]
I think it's high time you heard Mr.
MacAfee's speech on drugs, buster.
Stay away from goofballs 'cause they make you goofy.
[Wheezing Continues.]
Please, I'm having an asthma.
.
.
For the love of Pete, look at those pupils.
You're goofy right now, aren't you, mister? I can't breathe.
Of course you can't.
Why do you think they call it dope? Now that's the spirit.
You know, cold turkey's the only way to get that monkey off your back, buddy.
- Sleep it off, that's right.
Carry on.
- [Bell Ringing.]
- Maca-freak! - Hey, fool! You couldn't catch a fly.
All right, boys, I want your names.
I'm putting you on report.
- Seymour Heinie.
- Buster Hymen.
- Ben Dover.
- All right, Heinie, Hymen, Dover.
Your names are right down here.
They're going on report.
This little incident's gonna cost you your future, son.
Your lives are in ruins now, kids! Yeah, I think they know who's in charge here.
Al MacAfee, that's who.
All right.
Well, hope you had fun tonight.
Taking us home, a young lady who comes to us all the way from London.
So put your hands together, have a good time with Monie Love.
- [Hip-hop.]
- [Applause.]
Come on, everyone! Let's see some energy.
Yeah! Get up off your seats.
Up off your seats.
Everyone.
Yeah.
Let's see some energy over this side.
Yeah! Ah, yeah.
Everybody.
[Rapping.]
[Continues.]
[Fades.]