Insatiable (2018) s02e04 Episode Script
Poison Patty
1 [PATTY.]
The annual College and Career Fair.
All my classmates were there with their parents, but not me.
My own mom had been MIA for weeks, and my dad, who I'd finally met, was dead.
Because you backed me off a cliff.
Another dead body, and who is the common denominator? - You.
- It was an accident.
No, it was just like that scene from Poison Ivy when Drew Barrymore pushes Cheryl Ladd off a building.
You know that movie? No.
You know that movie.
I'm a figment of your imagination.
Then can you please just not look like that? The truth isn't pretty, Patty.
You've got the blood of an ex-convict running through your veins.
You are a bad seed.
Please just leave me alone.
Oh, I can't.
I'm inside your toxic DNA.
That's why people keep dying around here.
You are poison, Patty.
[BOB ARMSTRONG.]
Hey, superstar! Bob! I didn't expect to see you here.
Yeah, meeting Brick and Coralee here as our first family outing since everything went down, so fingers crossed.
For what? First step towards a thaw with Coralee.
Hmm.
You think that could happen? I fixed things with Dixie.
You're in recovery.
Anything is possible.
Speaking of recovery, how's that going? Fine.
Good.
It's great.
Great.
Because we need to start preparing for State.
I've been compiling a list of talents for you to try, and I've already found you a new philanthropy, a mentorship through the Association of Substitute Sisters.
You really think that's a good idea? I know it's early on in your recovery, but I'm pretty sure one of the main things they tell you to do is to be of service to others.
Get out of your own head.
But trusting an impressionable girl with, well, me? You don't think I'm a bad seed? You're not! Look around.
Everyone here is focused on their future.
And you can be, too, if you just give yourself a clean slate.
I'm not entirely sure that's possible.
Of course it is.
Look the longer Stella Rose isn't around, the more likely it is she's dead.
And Magnolia's memory isn't coming around anytime soon.
Don't let the past drag you down.
You're gonna win State, then Miss American Lady, and then you can go to any college you want.
[NONNIE.]
Hey, Patty.
Do you wanna tell me what's going on between you and Dee? I thought you guys hated each other.
- Dee hasn't talked to you? - No.
We haven't spoken in days.
I'm kinda starting to think I can't trust either of you.
No.
She's my sponsor.
In Overeaters Anonymous.
Oh, I'm so proud of you for going.
I wonder why Dee didn't tell me.
Is Officer Greg waving at me? Or you? Me.
He spent the past half hour trying to convince me to become a cop like my dad.
- [PATTY.]
You gonna do it? - Seriously? A lesbian cop? Like I'd ever be that much of a cliché.
Well, he's been following me.
And he still thinks I killed Roxy.
[LAUGHS.]
He still thinks Santa Claus is real.
I wouldn't worry about him.
I'm gonna go call Dee.
Hughes is a historically black university, - like Spelman or Morehouse.
- Okay.
Yeah, well, I'm just not sure I'd fit in at an all-black university.
Why would you say that? This is my dad.
- Nice to meet you.
- Well, the pleasure's mine.
Excuse me, hon.
Would you like a brochure? You gonna be in the office at lunchtime? Yeah, I can be, if you wanna talk.
I'd rather you not be.
I'm cleanin' out my office.
I'm quittin' the firm.
Bob, you don't have to do that.
I'm runnin' for mayor.
[CORALEE.]
Bob.
No, Brick's daddy Bob.
A word, please? We need to have a conversation about this.
Brick cannot get into a four-year college.
They knew about my grades.
Yeah, but I thought with wrestling So did I, but I guess outside of Masonville, I'm not that big of a deal.
We'll figure things out.
I mean, college isn't for everyone.
No, he's going to college.
You didn't go, and you're about to start your own business.
He's right.
I mean, not everyone knows exactly what they're gonna do at 17.
Are you that desperate to get Brick to like you? You're acting like a friend.
Not a father.
[BOB.]
I am trying to work through this as a team.
We need to be parents together.
You probably should have thought about that before you decided to blow up our family.
Just stop.
All right? You both fucked up your lives, so quit telling me what to do with mine.
Okay, watch your language, mister.
[SIGHS.]
For the record, I did not blow up our family.
We decided to try things with Bob Barnard together.
And then you chose him over me.
That is not what happened.
Bob, you said you were more afraid of losing him than me.
I told you that is not what I meant.
You have no idea what I went through that night, and I said some things that I regret.
Okay, this is unbelievable because now you're trying to buy it back? What's this? [SIGHS.]
Divorce papers.
You've just been carrying those around with you? Well, I was waiting for the right time.
And I think that this is the right time.
[EXHALES.]
We have to move on, Bob.
[CORALEE SNIFFLES.]
Both of us.
[DOOR CLOSES.]
Hey.
How was the college fair for you? Weird.
This college rep suggested an all-black university, which never would've even occurred to me.
I mean, I'm not even all black.
Are you okay? Um, I just found out my grades are too bad to get into a four-year school, so I feel like a loser.
Aww.
Brick! - No! - I had this whole plan to party and wrestle and postpone real life for as long as possible, and now there's all this pressure to figure things out.
And I just got into a huge fight with my parents.
Do you want to grab a coffee or something? You know, talk about it? No.
I shouldn't.
Patty would Right.
Right.
I've gotta go anyway because my dad made an appointment with a hypnotist to help me remember what happened when I blacked out, so Mag, thank you.
Yeah.
[LAUGHS.]
[PATTY.]
If I was gonna get a clean slate, I needed to get as far away from Masonville as possible.
I could start a new life, make new friends, - leave the death and destruction behind.
- [GASPS, GRUNTS.]
[PATTY'S DAD.]
You know what they say Wherever you go, there we are.
We both know how your future's going to turn out.
[SHOUTS.]
You're even worse than me.
Why don't you just quit while you're behind? Forget college, pageants.
There.
Happy now? Does this dress make me look homicidal? [CELL PHONE RINGS.]
- Hello.
- You told Nonnie I was in program? - What the hell? - I'm sorry.
She was mad at both us, and I didn't want you to ruin your relationship over The A stands for Anonymous.
I decide when I tell someone.
I was only trying I never should've agreed to sponsor you.
This isn't gonna work out.
Wait.
Are you breaking up with me? I can give you a list of numbers of other people to call.
Don't bother.
I'll be fine on my own.
Oh.
[GRUNTS.]
[PATTY'S DAD.]
See? You're so damaged, you don't even deserve recovery.
On the up side, without a sponsor, I can eat all my feelings.
- Yay.
- [KNOCK ON DOOR.]
Oh, Girl Scout cookies? Awesome.
- Let me grab my - We're not with the Girl Scouts.
We're with the Association of Substitute Sisters.
I'm Rita.
This is Becky.
I believe we were called by your pageant coach, Bob Armstrong.
Oh, shit.
I forgot.
Fuck, I cussed.
Shit.
Sorry.
Again.
Can I just Yeah.
Listen, I can't do Your coach seemed to think that you and Becky would be a good fit.
She just needs to spend the day with a strong female role model.
I'm definitely the wrong person for that.
- Are you Patty Bladell? - Yes.
You're the right person.
Says so right here.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got a van full of other kids to drop off.
It's okay.
I get why you don't want to help me.
I mean, there's no way you could relate to my problems.
- No, it's not that.
- I mean, look at you.
You're beautiful and skinny and perfect.
Come with me.
They called me Fatty Patty.
How'd you lose the weight? That's not the point.
How did you lose the weight? I was punched in the face by a homeless guy.
I had my jaw wired shut and lost 70 pounds.
That's amazing.
It was actually really painful.
Did the guy just come at you, or I hit him first, but like I said, not a great role model.
Are you kidding? I wish I could just get punched in the face - and wake up looking like you.
- Becky, listen.
I wasted years of my life e just fantasizing about what things would be like if I looked different.
And then my outsides changed and didn't make me any happier.
You know what I would wish for instead of getting punched in the face? A clean slate.
What do you mean? I would let go of all of the things I hate about myself.
I would go back in time and learn to love myself just the way I am.
That sounds boring.
Okay.
Well, maybe if I had, my life wouldn't be such a disastrophe.
What's wrong with your life? Just trust me.
If I had known then what I know now, I wouldn't have waited to try and be happy.
But you don't have to make the same mistakes I did.
You don't have to wait around wishing for things to be different.
Is this the part where you pull out a bunch of self-esteem building activity lists from Vulture and Refinery29? Oh, my God.
That's a great idea.
[BOB ARMSTRONG.]
It should've been simple: give back the key to Barnard's house, let go of the ring, sign the papers and move on.
But they each felt like they weighed a thousand pounds.
I kept thinking of all the things I would've done differently.
I never meant to be the bad guy.
[BRICK.]
Dad.
I'm sorry for snapping earlier.
I think I'm just mad that I messed up with school.
Oh, it's okay.
I understand.
I just wish I could get a time machine and have a do-over.
Yeah, I know how you feel.
[CELL PHONE CHIMES.]
It's all right.
[BOB ARMSTRONG.]
I had literally just told Patty to give herself a clean slate.
You know what? No more dwelling in the past, either one of us.
Let's you and I figure out what we're gonna do next together.
Dad, are you living out of your office? Oh, no, no.
That's just uh temporary until I find something more permanent.
Let's talk about you.
No way.
I mean, you basically just told me you're homeless, so Come on.
We're getting you to a hotel.
Oh, Dixie.
Don't you look stylish? I just I love the way your outfit matches your rims.
You have exceeded the 45-minute per customer time limit.
- Get out.
- Come on, Dixie.
Loitering here is the only way that I get to spend time with you.
It's not like anyone is waiting for a table.
I've never seen it so empty.
[DONALD.]
Wanna know why? She's a total moosaweenie.
Get back to work! Dixie, I know you're hurtin'.
But you need your mama now more than ever.
You've always been dumb, but now you're crippled, too.
Please leave before I get one of my weenie workers to kick you out.
I told you not to call me that.
[LAUGHS, CLEARS THROAT.]
Okay, you know what? Forget it.
I quit.
What do you mean, you quit? I was gonna wait to tell you this until you got your bearings here, - but I'm moving.
- Where? My dad got a job in California.
Decided it was too depressing to work for you, and you know I think he was right.
Good luck, Dixie.
[DOOR OPENS.]
Gina, I have been trying to call you for the last hour.
I'm between cell carriers.
Do you want to explain to me why 250,000 Tampoozles were shipped to my house this morning? Well, I would've had 'em shipped to my place, but I'm between residences, too.
Plus, I didn't think you'd mind.
I got a fantastic deal by ordering in bulk from China.
Okay, between the tariffs and the shipping, it's actually more expensive than the product itself.
Tariffs? I thought that was fake news.
You spent all of our capital.
This means we don't have any money for marketing and distribution.
I think this is that learning curve that everyone talks about.
What are we supposed to do with a shit ton worth of product and no way to sell it? We need to make a splash.
Find a way to get the word out.
[CORALEE GROANS.]
We can throw a launch party.
Here? Oh, Dixie, you'd do that for me? No! I would do it for me.
I need the customers, and you need the event space, so it's a ween-ween.
[BRICK.]
You see? Isn't this so much better? And you can really feel like you have a fresh start.
[SIGHS.]
I don't know.
I was with your mom for 20 years.
How do you just pick up the pieces and move on? Isn't that what you were ready to do with Bob? No.
It wasn't.
I wanted to be with them both.
That's why things got complicated.
And now Oh, look at me.
Now I'm single.
- I'm 39.
- You're 45.
What am I supposed to do? Just jump back in the dating pool? You could.
What exactly are you? Gay? Bi? Pansexual? Polyamorous? The only labels I understand are designer.
Look, all I know is I was happiest when I was with your mom and Bob.
Yeah, but they don't want to be with you, so you need to find somebody who does want to be with you.
You mean I should find another couple.
That's not what I'm trying to say.
I mean, how would I go about that? Is there an app? - Dad.
Do not - Should I Google it? You will see things you cannot unsee [BOTH.]
Whoa.
Uh-huh.
[BOTH GROAN.]
Is that Pastor Mike and Gayle? Well, I guess a rectory is a rectory.
So you want me to download some of these or No, no, no.
I don't know.
[SIGHS.]
I'm not sure that online dating is for me.
I like to meet people in person.
Yeah, you're a real old-fashioned polyamorous guy.
Maybe there's a bar for singles to meet couples or something Oh, look.
Swinger Saturdays at Sloppy Sundays.
"Menage a mingle in your comfort zone and at your own pace.
" I can get on board with that.
Not dressed like that you can't.
What is wrong with my pocket square? That is a splash of color.
No, it is a splash of "Please don't have sex with me.
" - That is French.
- And now it's garbage.
You're going back into the dating pool.
You have to update your look.
No.
Lame.
No.
This.
We've been at this for hours.
I mean, there's gotta be something on one of these lists that you've always wanted to try.
- Zumba? - Lame.
- Hiking? - Yawn.
- Meditation? - [BLOWS RASPBERRIES.]
How about roller derby? Like from that movie, Whip It? Shut up.
You love Drew Barrymore movies, too? No.
I like Ellen Page movies.
Well, at least we found something we have in common.
Okay, there is a beginners flat track roller derby class tomorrow morning.
It's called Fresh Meat.
- Ew.
- I'm signing us up.
Get excited.
- What's my name? - Get down, baby - I'm the Real Deal - That's my name - I'm the Real Deal - That's my name Get down, baby I'm the Real Deal I'm gonna take a bow now Please don't wear it out This is awesome.
I feel just like Drew Barrymore.
Me too.
In Scream, right before she dies.
Come on.
This is totally safe.
I'm a star I do what I do, not sorry They're closin' in on you.
What kind of big sister will you be from jail? Hey.
You okay? Mm-hmm.
I am just lovin' this strong female energy in here.
- [WOMAN.]
You like that? Bitch! - [SKATERS GRUNTING.]
I thought this was supposed to be a beginners class.
[WOMAN.]
Bitch! Bitch! Maybe we should just watch this time then come back tomorrow.
No! Come on.
No more waiting.
Come on, Becky.
You got this.
You got this.
You're good.
You're good.
You're good.
You're good.
You're good.
Yes! You're doing it! Whoo! Good.
Keep going.
Yay! - [GRUNTS.]
- [WINCES.]
Oh, my! I'm so sorry.
That's bad, huh? No! Oh, I'm so sorry.
I am so sorry.
I really am sorry about yesterday.
Oh, sweetie, stop apologizing.
It's fine.
Plus, you helping me set up for my party more than makes up for it.
Have you spoken to your father? Yeah, I saw him yesterday.
Did you know he was living out of his office? [REGINA.]
Ooh! Behold the tampini.
The signature cocktail for our party.
- That's a Bloody Mary.
- That is disgusting.
Okay? No.
This needs to be a high-class affair.
I was thinking white linen.
White seems a little dangerous for a period party.
This is not a period party.
We cannot brand it like that, or no one'll show up.
We have to figure out a way to draw people in.
You could have a contest.
Ooh, yes.
Ooh! Best most embarrassing period story? Yeah, but that's just it.
Why does it have to be embarrassing? Right? I mean, why can't we just be proud of our bodies and all the amazing things that they can do? We should have a contest for the best period story.
You know what I mean? Reclaim our narratives and take the stigma out of menstruation.
Take the men out of menstruation.
Turn our periods into exclamation marks.
We have to make this a feminist event, okay? Like a celebration of everything that unites us together as women.
Well, the two of you hated each other until Tampazzle.
- Tampoozle! - [CORALEE.]
No, wait.
Wait a minute.
He's got a point.
Okay? Like, you and I, we come from totally different backgrounds.
We have different opinions.
We don't always get along.
- All blood runs red.
- That's it.
- That's it.
- That's our slogan.
Oh! I know, right? Oh, I have chills! We should print them on napkins for the party.
Like sanitary napkin? No, no, we should put it on a poster.
We should put us on a poster.
- [CELL PHONE RINGS.]
- Wait, hold that thought.
It's Bob.
Hey, Bob.
What'cha doin'? I'm officially runnin' for mayor.
Turned in my paperwork, got my campaign headquarters set up.
I got this! Oh, that's great.
Congratulations.
Why are there two of you? I had a life-size cutout made.
For the campaign.
More of me to go around.
You should come over and celebrate.
I've got champagne.
It would just be you and me and Well, me.
Ooh! Another three-way.
That's really sweet, Bob, but I can't.
We are plannin' our launch party for Tampazzle.
Tampoozle.
Get it in your head.
Hey, you're having a party? Why didn't you tell me? I can help.
Well, don't you need to concentrate on your campaign? Hey, maybe we can kill two birds with one stone.
- Oh! - Pump up your heartbeat Sweat it out in the street Pump up your heartbeat, make it hot - Oh! - Pump up your heartbeat - Oh! - Pump up your heartbeat - Oh! - Pump up your heartbeat - Pump up your heartbeat - Oh! - Pump up your heartbeat - Oh! Pump up your heartbeat I really am so sorry.
Are you kidding? This is magic.
I wished I'd get punched in the face like you, I did.
Maybe tomorrow I'll wake up and It's not magic.
Okay, like, when I lost all of that weight so quickly, - I didn't have to do any of the work.
- I know.
It's awesome.
No, I mean on the insides.
Look, there are things about me, things that I never dealt with that I could use some freedom from, that I wish that I could change, but I can't.
But there's still hope for you.
Forget about the outsides.
What is something that you wish you could change? I guess I wish I were brave.
I want to be an actor, but I mean I hate being in front of people, and I'm too self-conscious.
Okay.
All right.
This is good.
We can sign up for an improv class.
What is that? - Oh! - Pump up your heartbeat [PATTY.]
My boyfriend! What? - Hey, Patty.
- Hey.
- Who's your friend? - Becky's my little sister.
You should bring her to the Tampoozle launch party.
There's a contest.
Whoever tells the best period story wins a month of free tacos.
What's a Tampoozle? It's a tampon with a tassel on it.
Brick.
We gotta keep this train movin'.
- I gotta go.
I'll see you later? Bye.
- Mm-hmm.
That's your boyfriend? See, your life is perfect.
I think you should come to this party with me.
It'll be the perfect opportunity for you.
Open mic, storytelling No way.
I mean, I'm already dying of embarrassment, and now you want me to tell a period story? That sounds like my biggest nightmare.
Right.
That's why you have to do it.
If you can get through this, you'll be fearless.
Trust me.
It's gonna be great.
- First time at Swinger Saturdays? - [GASPS.]
I will take that as a yes.
This is a speed dating style event.
Couples are expected to remain seated while the guest stars rotate from table to table every five minutes.
Guest stars? Singles looking for a couple to connect with.
Oh.
You know what they say It's always best to be the guest star.
Kissing is very important to me.
And I'm very verbal.
Translation: she never shuts up If you're gonna be negative, go wait in the car.
[GONG RINGS.]
Oh, darn! It's time.
Bye.
This is so sad.
I feel like I'm at one of my parents' parties.
No offense.
It was so much better when it was Throuple Thursdays at TGI Fridays.
We only come here ironically.
And for the bean dip.
It's free.
Where is that mother-lovin' [GONG RINGS.]
We like antiquing and scrapbooking.
- Brunch? - Oh, brunch is my first love.
[LAUGHING.]
And while we do like to explore boundaries Respecting limits, of course.
The truth is - we're pretty - [BOTH LAUGHING.]
Normal.
[STAMMERS.]
Oh.
Wow.
So what are you doing here? Well what we really want is to find someone we can get to know.
Someone who might work out.
Long-term.
[BOB ARMSTRONG.]
And for the first time that night, I wanted to bang something other than that stupid It was more than just animal attraction.
Could there actually be a future for me without Bob and Coralee? So, what are you into? 'Cause we're into role-play.
Oh, role-play.
Okay.
That sounds good.
Um Oh, how about, you've been secretly in love with me since we were 14, and you are my wife who wants to sell specialty tampons and looks amazing in a floral print? Yeah, that's not exactly what we're talking about.
[MAN SCREAMS.]
What's your safe word? Mine is "I'm gonna rip your fucking nipples off.
" That's eight words.
[BOB ARMSTRONG.]
Obviously, I was kidding myself.
How could I move on when I clearly still had one foot in the past? [LAUGHS.]
What? Was this some sort of cosmic joke? The longer I held onto those divorce papers and that house key, the longer I was holding onto Bob and Coralee.
- I needed to get rid of them ASAP.
- [ENGINE STARTS.]
[CORALEE.]
We're just so excited to make this a safe feminist space, where we can reclaim our narratives about our own bodies.
[PATTY.]
I didn't know if Becky would actually get up and tell a story, but at least I had convinced her to show up.
And I had managed not to binge all day.
Maybe there is something to being of service after all.
Hey, you guys came.
Holy - Mom? - [BECKY.]
What? [PATTY.]
My mom is here? Can you [BRICK.]
Yeah, yeah.
Go.
Oh! My baby! Oh, look at you.
What the hell? I missed you so, so much.
Where were you? And what happened to your boobs? Well, I went to Brazil to get discount plastic surgery.
Two for the price of one, huh? They had to completely redo them 'cause the first time, it looked like my nips had a lazy eye.
[LAUGHS.]
You could've called.
You abandoned me on my birthday.
No, baby.
I was trying to protect you.
From what? Thinking that you actually cared about me? From my old boyfriend, Gordy.
I showed him to you on Facebook, remember? He was a really fucked-up guy.
I'll try not to take that personally.
And I stole his car, so I was afraid he was gonna come after me, and I figured, you know, the less you knew, the better.
But we're safe now.
I got a text from him.
It was a suicide note.
I knew it was safe to come home.
And if he hadn't died? Would you have just stayed away forever? I'm so sorry! [STAMMERING.]
I was doing the best I could, and I know it wasn't good enough.
I do.
So I'm gonna try to be better.
- Starting right now.
- Really? There's something I should tell you about Gordy.
And I should've told you a long time ago, but I was just scared.
Tell her you already know that she lied about not knowing who your father was.
Tell her you're the reason I'm dead.
Baby, Gordy might've been your dad.
Wait, Gordy might have been my dad? Or he definitely was my dad? I was drinking a lot at the time, and so there's a possibility it was someone else.
You know what? You were right.
Your best definitely wasn't good enough.
My mom was a bona fide disaster, but at least if Gordy wasn't my dad, I wasn't completely biologically screwed.
Hey.
Nonnie didn't need to know the details.
Just that there was a guy in the morgue who might be my dad and that I needed to steal his DNA.
You want to break in to the morgue? Yeah.
[CHUCKLES.]
Except we just need to find a way to ditch my shadow.
Maybe we don't have to.
What I really want to do is CSI.
I'm thinking a trip to the morgue.
You could teach me how to take a DNA sample.
Absolutely, just not right now.
Oh, because you're following Patty? Not that it's obvious.
You know, I see the signs because of my dad.
But since we are going to be colleagues one day, we could practice working together.
I'll convince her to come along.
[PATTY.]
We were good to go.
I just needed to convince Brick to watch Becky for half an hour.
I was just looking for you.
- You're full of shit.
- Excuse me? Thought you said that changing the outside wouldn't make me happy.
But Brick just told me you asked him out last year and he said no.
- Because you were fat.
- He said that? No.
He said he just wasn't into you before.
But I can read between the lines.
Okay, getting the guy is so not the point.
And it doesn't matter what I look like.
My life is a total mess.
Oh, yeah.
Sounds horrible.
You're a beauty queen with a hot boyfriend.
You're not listening.
Do you wanna know the truth? I am a murder suspect, okay? What? - Yeah.
- Did you do it? Of course I didn't.
They still have a police officer following me.
Look.
Wave.
I hate myself.
And I just want to eat all the time.
It's all I want to do, and the only reason I haven't is because I don't wanna do it in front of you.
And the highlight of my day was my shit show of a mother telling me that the con artist, sex offender, douche nozzle who I thought was my dad actually might not be.
And I'm gonna go sneak into the morgue to find out.
So, yeah, you think you're afraid to face your fears? I'm terrified.
I don't buy it.
You're just trying to make me feel better.
You think I just made all of that up? Get in the car.
[SIREN WAILS.]
Before we continue our contest, I wanna take a few minutes to thank some people who helped make this night possible.
Dixie I know I haven't always been the perfect mother.
I ignored expiration dates and seat belts, and I let you build forts with dry cleaning bags.
But the worst thing I ever did was making you into a liar so many times.
And I am gonna spend the rest of my life trying to make that up to you, - starting tonight.
[LAUGHS.]
- [CROWD.]
Aww.
- I forgive you, Mama.
- I love you, Dixie.
- [SHOUTS.]
- [CROWD CLAMORING.]
[REGINA.]
Okay, next.
I'm so sorry, Mama.
It's okay.
Go hug it out.
Okay! Well, I'd like to thank some people, too, if I may.
I would like to thank my son Brick.
I know, no matter what, your future's gonna be bright because you really are the best guy I know.
[MAN.]
Yeah, Brick! I love you.
[CROWD.]
Aww! You really are.
Dad, what are you doing here? I thought you were at the swingers thing.
That did not go well.
Signed the divorce papers.
I'm here to give them to your mom and to give Bob back the key to his house.
Now? You think that's a good idea? The sooner we get closure, the sooner we can all move on.
Think of it as a conscious unthroupling.
[PATTY.]
With Becky otherwise occupied and Officer Greg distracted, I could sneak away and look for the convict formerly known as my dad.
And now, maybe most importantly, I want to thank my dearest friend, Bob Barnard.
Thank you so much for getting the word out.
This would not have been possible without you.
Come on up here.
- Please welcome Bob Barnard! - [BOB ARMSTRONG.]
Her dearest friend? Yes.
Thank you so much, and don't forget to vote Bob Barnard for mayor.
Thanks, Coralee.
Not just for the shout-out, but for your love and support.
I wouldn't have made it through the last few weeks if it wasn't for her.
You're more than just a friend.
You're the Grace to my Will, my partner, my platonic soulmate.
And if I win this election, I'm gonna make you Masonville's very own first lady.
What? [BOB ARMSTRONG.]
Were they serious? They forced me to choose, and now they were a platonic power couple without me? No wonder it was so easy for them to move on.
They had each other.
- Are you fucking kidding me? - [CROWD CLAMORING.]
[CORALEE.]
Bob.
Bob, what are you doing? Oh, what are you doing? You know, I can't believe you.
I am so tired of feeling like the bad guy when the two of you betrayed me.
You told me you were willing to try it with Barnard, really try.
But then you pulled the rug out from under me the very next day? - Bob - And you! I was perfectly happy in my marriage until you kissed me, - and then you made me choose.
- [CLAMORING.]
The two of you want to act like I'm the one who ruined your lives when he's the one who threw the grenade in the middle of the relationship.
And now look at you.
So happy making a life without me, and I'm the one left out in the cold? Screw this.
And screw your Will and Grace mayoral bullshit.
- I'm running for mayor, too.
- [FEEDBACK WHINES.]
[BOB BARNARD LAUGHS.]
Dad, that was the most conscious unthroupling I have ever seen.
[BOB ARMSTRONG SIGHS.]
If I wanted a fresh start, I sure had one now.
- I had burned my past to the ground.
- [KNOCK ON WINDOW.]
That was fucking awesome.
Really? Can I get in? I want to help you run for mayor.
I'm gonna be your campaign manager.
You? Yeah.
Well, you helped Patty when I couldn't, so I'd like to return the favor.
I don't know.
Angie, I mean, no offense, you work in a Mexican-themed hot dog restaurant.
I didn't always sling wieners, Bob.
Before I got knocked up with Patty, I was class president, and I didn't even have to give out blowies to win.
Come on.
Let them be Will and Grace.
We can be like Sid and Nancy or Thelma and Louise, like Siegfried and Roy.
Like mac and cheese, or Lady and the Tramp.
Or You're not gonna get out of my car until I say yes, are you? No.
All right.
- Yes, it is.
- Okay.
Angie, what the fuck are those? I got a good deal on 'em.
Did ya? Two for one.
[PATTY.]
There he was, just the corpse I was looking for.
[GASPS.]
[BONES CRACK.]
Wow! I'm a horrible father, and I wouldn't even bring a kid here.
- You're the worst.
- What's wrong? I'm just so excited to be here.
Hey, Officer Greg, could I try to take a DNA sample? - I mean, YOLO, right? - [SIGHS.]
Let me find another swab.
Is that your dad? We're about to find out.
Wow.
Your life really is a mess.
[WOMAN.]
Well, it turned out, it wasn't me that leaked.
It was my Hawaiian Punch.
[LAUGHING.]
Thank you so much for staying.
Ah, I told you.
We're in this together.
Okay, so I ran across the street, and picked up a "Who's the Bastard Now?" Quick DNA Test.
That's a thing? I already ran your and Gordy's samples, so we should know in just a few minutes.
[SIGHS.]
Hey, where's Becky? - She's - [TAPS MICROPHONE.]
Hi.
Um, I'm Becky.
- [MAN.]
Hi, Becky.
- [WOMAN.]
Hi, Becky.
And I'm gonna share my own period story.
I'm 13 years old, still haven't had mine yet.
In fact, up until tonight, I hadn't done a lot of things.
I hadn't been to a real party.
I didn't have any real friends.
I'd never had the courage to get up in front of a group of people.
And I thought for any of that to happen, I had to look a certain way.
But thanks to my big sister, Patty Bladell, I did all of those things tonight.
And I feel really good about myself.
I finally have a real story to share, and I'm not afraid to get up here and tell it.
I'm living my life now.
And for the first time maybe ever, - I feel happy.
- [LAUGHS.]
[CROWD CHEERING.]
Hey! It looks like we have a winner, everybody.
That was amazing.
Oh, so strong.
So strong.
[PATTY.]
Where was Bob? I couldn't wait to tell him what happened.
So what, you think this means you're not a terrible role model? Can't change the facts.
You're still Poison Patty.
Go away.
- [PATTY EXHALES.]
- [BEEPS.]
Patty, it's negative.
Gordy's not your dad.
[PATTY.]
But it didn't even matter anymore.
There was good in me, despite my DNA.
Which meant Buh-bye.
Maybe I could have a fresh start after all.
I could burn my past to the ground and move on.
Get back into recovery, win State, then Miss American Lady, then who knows what I could do.
So, explain this to me.
Do you have to be black to get into Hughes? No, there's, like, seven percent of people who aren't.
And Oh, my God.
Look.
When was I at Hughes? Wait.
That was the outfit I was wearing when they found me.
[SCOFFS.]
[PATTY.]
That's what she was wearing when I killed Christian, which she may or may not have seen.
Oh, my God.
It's a clue.
Maybe those girls know what happened to you.
I can help you.
I'm really good at investigating.
Ask Patty.
The annual College and Career Fair.
All my classmates were there with their parents, but not me.
My own mom had been MIA for weeks, and my dad, who I'd finally met, was dead.
Because you backed me off a cliff.
Another dead body, and who is the common denominator? - You.
- It was an accident.
No, it was just like that scene from Poison Ivy when Drew Barrymore pushes Cheryl Ladd off a building.
You know that movie? No.
You know that movie.
I'm a figment of your imagination.
Then can you please just not look like that? The truth isn't pretty, Patty.
You've got the blood of an ex-convict running through your veins.
You are a bad seed.
Please just leave me alone.
Oh, I can't.
I'm inside your toxic DNA.
That's why people keep dying around here.
You are poison, Patty.
[BOB ARMSTRONG.]
Hey, superstar! Bob! I didn't expect to see you here.
Yeah, meeting Brick and Coralee here as our first family outing since everything went down, so fingers crossed.
For what? First step towards a thaw with Coralee.
Hmm.
You think that could happen? I fixed things with Dixie.
You're in recovery.
Anything is possible.
Speaking of recovery, how's that going? Fine.
Good.
It's great.
Great.
Because we need to start preparing for State.
I've been compiling a list of talents for you to try, and I've already found you a new philanthropy, a mentorship through the Association of Substitute Sisters.
You really think that's a good idea? I know it's early on in your recovery, but I'm pretty sure one of the main things they tell you to do is to be of service to others.
Get out of your own head.
But trusting an impressionable girl with, well, me? You don't think I'm a bad seed? You're not! Look around.
Everyone here is focused on their future.
And you can be, too, if you just give yourself a clean slate.
I'm not entirely sure that's possible.
Of course it is.
Look the longer Stella Rose isn't around, the more likely it is she's dead.
And Magnolia's memory isn't coming around anytime soon.
Don't let the past drag you down.
You're gonna win State, then Miss American Lady, and then you can go to any college you want.
[NONNIE.]
Hey, Patty.
Do you wanna tell me what's going on between you and Dee? I thought you guys hated each other.
- Dee hasn't talked to you? - No.
We haven't spoken in days.
I'm kinda starting to think I can't trust either of you.
No.
She's my sponsor.
In Overeaters Anonymous.
Oh, I'm so proud of you for going.
I wonder why Dee didn't tell me.
Is Officer Greg waving at me? Or you? Me.
He spent the past half hour trying to convince me to become a cop like my dad.
- [PATTY.]
You gonna do it? - Seriously? A lesbian cop? Like I'd ever be that much of a cliché.
Well, he's been following me.
And he still thinks I killed Roxy.
[LAUGHS.]
He still thinks Santa Claus is real.
I wouldn't worry about him.
I'm gonna go call Dee.
Hughes is a historically black university, - like Spelman or Morehouse.
- Okay.
Yeah, well, I'm just not sure I'd fit in at an all-black university.
Why would you say that? This is my dad.
- Nice to meet you.
- Well, the pleasure's mine.
Excuse me, hon.
Would you like a brochure? You gonna be in the office at lunchtime? Yeah, I can be, if you wanna talk.
I'd rather you not be.
I'm cleanin' out my office.
I'm quittin' the firm.
Bob, you don't have to do that.
I'm runnin' for mayor.
[CORALEE.]
Bob.
No, Brick's daddy Bob.
A word, please? We need to have a conversation about this.
Brick cannot get into a four-year college.
They knew about my grades.
Yeah, but I thought with wrestling So did I, but I guess outside of Masonville, I'm not that big of a deal.
We'll figure things out.
I mean, college isn't for everyone.
No, he's going to college.
You didn't go, and you're about to start your own business.
He's right.
I mean, not everyone knows exactly what they're gonna do at 17.
Are you that desperate to get Brick to like you? You're acting like a friend.
Not a father.
[BOB.]
I am trying to work through this as a team.
We need to be parents together.
You probably should have thought about that before you decided to blow up our family.
Just stop.
All right? You both fucked up your lives, so quit telling me what to do with mine.
Okay, watch your language, mister.
[SIGHS.]
For the record, I did not blow up our family.
We decided to try things with Bob Barnard together.
And then you chose him over me.
That is not what happened.
Bob, you said you were more afraid of losing him than me.
I told you that is not what I meant.
You have no idea what I went through that night, and I said some things that I regret.
Okay, this is unbelievable because now you're trying to buy it back? What's this? [SIGHS.]
Divorce papers.
You've just been carrying those around with you? Well, I was waiting for the right time.
And I think that this is the right time.
[EXHALES.]
We have to move on, Bob.
[CORALEE SNIFFLES.]
Both of us.
[DOOR CLOSES.]
Hey.
How was the college fair for you? Weird.
This college rep suggested an all-black university, which never would've even occurred to me.
I mean, I'm not even all black.
Are you okay? Um, I just found out my grades are too bad to get into a four-year school, so I feel like a loser.
Aww.
Brick! - No! - I had this whole plan to party and wrestle and postpone real life for as long as possible, and now there's all this pressure to figure things out.
And I just got into a huge fight with my parents.
Do you want to grab a coffee or something? You know, talk about it? No.
I shouldn't.
Patty would Right.
Right.
I've gotta go anyway because my dad made an appointment with a hypnotist to help me remember what happened when I blacked out, so Mag, thank you.
Yeah.
[LAUGHS.]
[PATTY.]
If I was gonna get a clean slate, I needed to get as far away from Masonville as possible.
I could start a new life, make new friends, - leave the death and destruction behind.
- [GASPS, GRUNTS.]
[PATTY'S DAD.]
You know what they say Wherever you go, there we are.
We both know how your future's going to turn out.
[SHOUTS.]
You're even worse than me.
Why don't you just quit while you're behind? Forget college, pageants.
There.
Happy now? Does this dress make me look homicidal? [CELL PHONE RINGS.]
- Hello.
- You told Nonnie I was in program? - What the hell? - I'm sorry.
She was mad at both us, and I didn't want you to ruin your relationship over The A stands for Anonymous.
I decide when I tell someone.
I was only trying I never should've agreed to sponsor you.
This isn't gonna work out.
Wait.
Are you breaking up with me? I can give you a list of numbers of other people to call.
Don't bother.
I'll be fine on my own.
Oh.
[GRUNTS.]
[PATTY'S DAD.]
See? You're so damaged, you don't even deserve recovery.
On the up side, without a sponsor, I can eat all my feelings.
- Yay.
- [KNOCK ON DOOR.]
Oh, Girl Scout cookies? Awesome.
- Let me grab my - We're not with the Girl Scouts.
We're with the Association of Substitute Sisters.
I'm Rita.
This is Becky.
I believe we were called by your pageant coach, Bob Armstrong.
Oh, shit.
I forgot.
Fuck, I cussed.
Shit.
Sorry.
Again.
Can I just Yeah.
Listen, I can't do Your coach seemed to think that you and Becky would be a good fit.
She just needs to spend the day with a strong female role model.
I'm definitely the wrong person for that.
- Are you Patty Bladell? - Yes.
You're the right person.
Says so right here.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got a van full of other kids to drop off.
It's okay.
I get why you don't want to help me.
I mean, there's no way you could relate to my problems.
- No, it's not that.
- I mean, look at you.
You're beautiful and skinny and perfect.
Come with me.
They called me Fatty Patty.
How'd you lose the weight? That's not the point.
How did you lose the weight? I was punched in the face by a homeless guy.
I had my jaw wired shut and lost 70 pounds.
That's amazing.
It was actually really painful.
Did the guy just come at you, or I hit him first, but like I said, not a great role model.
Are you kidding? I wish I could just get punched in the face - and wake up looking like you.
- Becky, listen.
I wasted years of my life e just fantasizing about what things would be like if I looked different.
And then my outsides changed and didn't make me any happier.
You know what I would wish for instead of getting punched in the face? A clean slate.
What do you mean? I would let go of all of the things I hate about myself.
I would go back in time and learn to love myself just the way I am.
That sounds boring.
Okay.
Well, maybe if I had, my life wouldn't be such a disastrophe.
What's wrong with your life? Just trust me.
If I had known then what I know now, I wouldn't have waited to try and be happy.
But you don't have to make the same mistakes I did.
You don't have to wait around wishing for things to be different.
Is this the part where you pull out a bunch of self-esteem building activity lists from Vulture and Refinery29? Oh, my God.
That's a great idea.
[BOB ARMSTRONG.]
It should've been simple: give back the key to Barnard's house, let go of the ring, sign the papers and move on.
But they each felt like they weighed a thousand pounds.
I kept thinking of all the things I would've done differently.
I never meant to be the bad guy.
[BRICK.]
Dad.
I'm sorry for snapping earlier.
I think I'm just mad that I messed up with school.
Oh, it's okay.
I understand.
I just wish I could get a time machine and have a do-over.
Yeah, I know how you feel.
[CELL PHONE CHIMES.]
It's all right.
[BOB ARMSTRONG.]
I had literally just told Patty to give herself a clean slate.
You know what? No more dwelling in the past, either one of us.
Let's you and I figure out what we're gonna do next together.
Dad, are you living out of your office? Oh, no, no.
That's just uh temporary until I find something more permanent.
Let's talk about you.
No way.
I mean, you basically just told me you're homeless, so Come on.
We're getting you to a hotel.
Oh, Dixie.
Don't you look stylish? I just I love the way your outfit matches your rims.
You have exceeded the 45-minute per customer time limit.
- Get out.
- Come on, Dixie.
Loitering here is the only way that I get to spend time with you.
It's not like anyone is waiting for a table.
I've never seen it so empty.
[DONALD.]
Wanna know why? She's a total moosaweenie.
Get back to work! Dixie, I know you're hurtin'.
But you need your mama now more than ever.
You've always been dumb, but now you're crippled, too.
Please leave before I get one of my weenie workers to kick you out.
I told you not to call me that.
[LAUGHS, CLEARS THROAT.]
Okay, you know what? Forget it.
I quit.
What do you mean, you quit? I was gonna wait to tell you this until you got your bearings here, - but I'm moving.
- Where? My dad got a job in California.
Decided it was too depressing to work for you, and you know I think he was right.
Good luck, Dixie.
[DOOR OPENS.]
Gina, I have been trying to call you for the last hour.
I'm between cell carriers.
Do you want to explain to me why 250,000 Tampoozles were shipped to my house this morning? Well, I would've had 'em shipped to my place, but I'm between residences, too.
Plus, I didn't think you'd mind.
I got a fantastic deal by ordering in bulk from China.
Okay, between the tariffs and the shipping, it's actually more expensive than the product itself.
Tariffs? I thought that was fake news.
You spent all of our capital.
This means we don't have any money for marketing and distribution.
I think this is that learning curve that everyone talks about.
What are we supposed to do with a shit ton worth of product and no way to sell it? We need to make a splash.
Find a way to get the word out.
[CORALEE GROANS.]
We can throw a launch party.
Here? Oh, Dixie, you'd do that for me? No! I would do it for me.
I need the customers, and you need the event space, so it's a ween-ween.
[BRICK.]
You see? Isn't this so much better? And you can really feel like you have a fresh start.
[SIGHS.]
I don't know.
I was with your mom for 20 years.
How do you just pick up the pieces and move on? Isn't that what you were ready to do with Bob? No.
It wasn't.
I wanted to be with them both.
That's why things got complicated.
And now Oh, look at me.
Now I'm single.
- I'm 39.
- You're 45.
What am I supposed to do? Just jump back in the dating pool? You could.
What exactly are you? Gay? Bi? Pansexual? Polyamorous? The only labels I understand are designer.
Look, all I know is I was happiest when I was with your mom and Bob.
Yeah, but they don't want to be with you, so you need to find somebody who does want to be with you.
You mean I should find another couple.
That's not what I'm trying to say.
I mean, how would I go about that? Is there an app? - Dad.
Do not - Should I Google it? You will see things you cannot unsee [BOTH.]
Whoa.
Uh-huh.
[BOTH GROAN.]
Is that Pastor Mike and Gayle? Well, I guess a rectory is a rectory.
So you want me to download some of these or No, no, no.
I don't know.
[SIGHS.]
I'm not sure that online dating is for me.
I like to meet people in person.
Yeah, you're a real old-fashioned polyamorous guy.
Maybe there's a bar for singles to meet couples or something Oh, look.
Swinger Saturdays at Sloppy Sundays.
"Menage a mingle in your comfort zone and at your own pace.
" I can get on board with that.
Not dressed like that you can't.
What is wrong with my pocket square? That is a splash of color.
No, it is a splash of "Please don't have sex with me.
" - That is French.
- And now it's garbage.
You're going back into the dating pool.
You have to update your look.
No.
Lame.
No.
This.
We've been at this for hours.
I mean, there's gotta be something on one of these lists that you've always wanted to try.
- Zumba? - Lame.
- Hiking? - Yawn.
- Meditation? - [BLOWS RASPBERRIES.]
How about roller derby? Like from that movie, Whip It? Shut up.
You love Drew Barrymore movies, too? No.
I like Ellen Page movies.
Well, at least we found something we have in common.
Okay, there is a beginners flat track roller derby class tomorrow morning.
It's called Fresh Meat.
- Ew.
- I'm signing us up.
Get excited.
- What's my name? - Get down, baby - I'm the Real Deal - That's my name - I'm the Real Deal - That's my name Get down, baby I'm the Real Deal I'm gonna take a bow now Please don't wear it out This is awesome.
I feel just like Drew Barrymore.
Me too.
In Scream, right before she dies.
Come on.
This is totally safe.
I'm a star I do what I do, not sorry They're closin' in on you.
What kind of big sister will you be from jail? Hey.
You okay? Mm-hmm.
I am just lovin' this strong female energy in here.
- [WOMAN.]
You like that? Bitch! - [SKATERS GRUNTING.]
I thought this was supposed to be a beginners class.
[WOMAN.]
Bitch! Bitch! Maybe we should just watch this time then come back tomorrow.
No! Come on.
No more waiting.
Come on, Becky.
You got this.
You got this.
You're good.
You're good.
You're good.
You're good.
You're good.
Yes! You're doing it! Whoo! Good.
Keep going.
Yay! - [GRUNTS.]
- [WINCES.]
Oh, my! I'm so sorry.
That's bad, huh? No! Oh, I'm so sorry.
I am so sorry.
I really am sorry about yesterday.
Oh, sweetie, stop apologizing.
It's fine.
Plus, you helping me set up for my party more than makes up for it.
Have you spoken to your father? Yeah, I saw him yesterday.
Did you know he was living out of his office? [REGINA.]
Ooh! Behold the tampini.
The signature cocktail for our party.
- That's a Bloody Mary.
- That is disgusting.
Okay? No.
This needs to be a high-class affair.
I was thinking white linen.
White seems a little dangerous for a period party.
This is not a period party.
We cannot brand it like that, or no one'll show up.
We have to figure out a way to draw people in.
You could have a contest.
Ooh, yes.
Ooh! Best most embarrassing period story? Yeah, but that's just it.
Why does it have to be embarrassing? Right? I mean, why can't we just be proud of our bodies and all the amazing things that they can do? We should have a contest for the best period story.
You know what I mean? Reclaim our narratives and take the stigma out of menstruation.
Take the men out of menstruation.
Turn our periods into exclamation marks.
We have to make this a feminist event, okay? Like a celebration of everything that unites us together as women.
Well, the two of you hated each other until Tampazzle.
- Tampoozle! - [CORALEE.]
No, wait.
Wait a minute.
He's got a point.
Okay? Like, you and I, we come from totally different backgrounds.
We have different opinions.
We don't always get along.
- All blood runs red.
- That's it.
- That's it.
- That's our slogan.
Oh! I know, right? Oh, I have chills! We should print them on napkins for the party.
Like sanitary napkin? No, no, we should put it on a poster.
We should put us on a poster.
- [CELL PHONE RINGS.]
- Wait, hold that thought.
It's Bob.
Hey, Bob.
What'cha doin'? I'm officially runnin' for mayor.
Turned in my paperwork, got my campaign headquarters set up.
I got this! Oh, that's great.
Congratulations.
Why are there two of you? I had a life-size cutout made.
For the campaign.
More of me to go around.
You should come over and celebrate.
I've got champagne.
It would just be you and me and Well, me.
Ooh! Another three-way.
That's really sweet, Bob, but I can't.
We are plannin' our launch party for Tampazzle.
Tampoozle.
Get it in your head.
Hey, you're having a party? Why didn't you tell me? I can help.
Well, don't you need to concentrate on your campaign? Hey, maybe we can kill two birds with one stone.
- Oh! - Pump up your heartbeat Sweat it out in the street Pump up your heartbeat, make it hot - Oh! - Pump up your heartbeat - Oh! - Pump up your heartbeat - Oh! - Pump up your heartbeat - Pump up your heartbeat - Oh! - Pump up your heartbeat - Oh! Pump up your heartbeat I really am so sorry.
Are you kidding? This is magic.
I wished I'd get punched in the face like you, I did.
Maybe tomorrow I'll wake up and It's not magic.
Okay, like, when I lost all of that weight so quickly, - I didn't have to do any of the work.
- I know.
It's awesome.
No, I mean on the insides.
Look, there are things about me, things that I never dealt with that I could use some freedom from, that I wish that I could change, but I can't.
But there's still hope for you.
Forget about the outsides.
What is something that you wish you could change? I guess I wish I were brave.
I want to be an actor, but I mean I hate being in front of people, and I'm too self-conscious.
Okay.
All right.
This is good.
We can sign up for an improv class.
What is that? - Oh! - Pump up your heartbeat [PATTY.]
My boyfriend! What? - Hey, Patty.
- Hey.
- Who's your friend? - Becky's my little sister.
You should bring her to the Tampoozle launch party.
There's a contest.
Whoever tells the best period story wins a month of free tacos.
What's a Tampoozle? It's a tampon with a tassel on it.
Brick.
We gotta keep this train movin'.
- I gotta go.
I'll see you later? Bye.
- Mm-hmm.
That's your boyfriend? See, your life is perfect.
I think you should come to this party with me.
It'll be the perfect opportunity for you.
Open mic, storytelling No way.
I mean, I'm already dying of embarrassment, and now you want me to tell a period story? That sounds like my biggest nightmare.
Right.
That's why you have to do it.
If you can get through this, you'll be fearless.
Trust me.
It's gonna be great.
- First time at Swinger Saturdays? - [GASPS.]
I will take that as a yes.
This is a speed dating style event.
Couples are expected to remain seated while the guest stars rotate from table to table every five minutes.
Guest stars? Singles looking for a couple to connect with.
Oh.
You know what they say It's always best to be the guest star.
Kissing is very important to me.
And I'm very verbal.
Translation: she never shuts up If you're gonna be negative, go wait in the car.
[GONG RINGS.]
Oh, darn! It's time.
Bye.
This is so sad.
I feel like I'm at one of my parents' parties.
No offense.
It was so much better when it was Throuple Thursdays at TGI Fridays.
We only come here ironically.
And for the bean dip.
It's free.
Where is that mother-lovin' [GONG RINGS.]
We like antiquing and scrapbooking.
- Brunch? - Oh, brunch is my first love.
[LAUGHING.]
And while we do like to explore boundaries Respecting limits, of course.
The truth is - we're pretty - [BOTH LAUGHING.]
Normal.
[STAMMERS.]
Oh.
Wow.
So what are you doing here? Well what we really want is to find someone we can get to know.
Someone who might work out.
Long-term.
[BOB ARMSTRONG.]
And for the first time that night, I wanted to bang something other than that stupid It was more than just animal attraction.
Could there actually be a future for me without Bob and Coralee? So, what are you into? 'Cause we're into role-play.
Oh, role-play.
Okay.
That sounds good.
Um Oh, how about, you've been secretly in love with me since we were 14, and you are my wife who wants to sell specialty tampons and looks amazing in a floral print? Yeah, that's not exactly what we're talking about.
[MAN SCREAMS.]
What's your safe word? Mine is "I'm gonna rip your fucking nipples off.
" That's eight words.
[BOB ARMSTRONG.]
Obviously, I was kidding myself.
How could I move on when I clearly still had one foot in the past? [LAUGHS.]
What? Was this some sort of cosmic joke? The longer I held onto those divorce papers and that house key, the longer I was holding onto Bob and Coralee.
- I needed to get rid of them ASAP.
- [ENGINE STARTS.]
[CORALEE.]
We're just so excited to make this a safe feminist space, where we can reclaim our narratives about our own bodies.
[PATTY.]
I didn't know if Becky would actually get up and tell a story, but at least I had convinced her to show up.
And I had managed not to binge all day.
Maybe there is something to being of service after all.
Hey, you guys came.
Holy - Mom? - [BECKY.]
What? [PATTY.]
My mom is here? Can you [BRICK.]
Yeah, yeah.
Go.
Oh! My baby! Oh, look at you.
What the hell? I missed you so, so much.
Where were you? And what happened to your boobs? Well, I went to Brazil to get discount plastic surgery.
Two for the price of one, huh? They had to completely redo them 'cause the first time, it looked like my nips had a lazy eye.
[LAUGHS.]
You could've called.
You abandoned me on my birthday.
No, baby.
I was trying to protect you.
From what? Thinking that you actually cared about me? From my old boyfriend, Gordy.
I showed him to you on Facebook, remember? He was a really fucked-up guy.
I'll try not to take that personally.
And I stole his car, so I was afraid he was gonna come after me, and I figured, you know, the less you knew, the better.
But we're safe now.
I got a text from him.
It was a suicide note.
I knew it was safe to come home.
And if he hadn't died? Would you have just stayed away forever? I'm so sorry! [STAMMERING.]
I was doing the best I could, and I know it wasn't good enough.
I do.
So I'm gonna try to be better.
- Starting right now.
- Really? There's something I should tell you about Gordy.
And I should've told you a long time ago, but I was just scared.
Tell her you already know that she lied about not knowing who your father was.
Tell her you're the reason I'm dead.
Baby, Gordy might've been your dad.
Wait, Gordy might have been my dad? Or he definitely was my dad? I was drinking a lot at the time, and so there's a possibility it was someone else.
You know what? You were right.
Your best definitely wasn't good enough.
My mom was a bona fide disaster, but at least if Gordy wasn't my dad, I wasn't completely biologically screwed.
Hey.
Nonnie didn't need to know the details.
Just that there was a guy in the morgue who might be my dad and that I needed to steal his DNA.
You want to break in to the morgue? Yeah.
[CHUCKLES.]
Except we just need to find a way to ditch my shadow.
Maybe we don't have to.
What I really want to do is CSI.
I'm thinking a trip to the morgue.
You could teach me how to take a DNA sample.
Absolutely, just not right now.
Oh, because you're following Patty? Not that it's obvious.
You know, I see the signs because of my dad.
But since we are going to be colleagues one day, we could practice working together.
I'll convince her to come along.
[PATTY.]
We were good to go.
I just needed to convince Brick to watch Becky for half an hour.
I was just looking for you.
- You're full of shit.
- Excuse me? Thought you said that changing the outside wouldn't make me happy.
But Brick just told me you asked him out last year and he said no.
- Because you were fat.
- He said that? No.
He said he just wasn't into you before.
But I can read between the lines.
Okay, getting the guy is so not the point.
And it doesn't matter what I look like.
My life is a total mess.
Oh, yeah.
Sounds horrible.
You're a beauty queen with a hot boyfriend.
You're not listening.
Do you wanna know the truth? I am a murder suspect, okay? What? - Yeah.
- Did you do it? Of course I didn't.
They still have a police officer following me.
Look.
Wave.
I hate myself.
And I just want to eat all the time.
It's all I want to do, and the only reason I haven't is because I don't wanna do it in front of you.
And the highlight of my day was my shit show of a mother telling me that the con artist, sex offender, douche nozzle who I thought was my dad actually might not be.
And I'm gonna go sneak into the morgue to find out.
So, yeah, you think you're afraid to face your fears? I'm terrified.
I don't buy it.
You're just trying to make me feel better.
You think I just made all of that up? Get in the car.
[SIREN WAILS.]
Before we continue our contest, I wanna take a few minutes to thank some people who helped make this night possible.
Dixie I know I haven't always been the perfect mother.
I ignored expiration dates and seat belts, and I let you build forts with dry cleaning bags.
But the worst thing I ever did was making you into a liar so many times.
And I am gonna spend the rest of my life trying to make that up to you, - starting tonight.
[LAUGHS.]
- [CROWD.]
Aww.
- I forgive you, Mama.
- I love you, Dixie.
- [SHOUTS.]
- [CROWD CLAMORING.]
[REGINA.]
Okay, next.
I'm so sorry, Mama.
It's okay.
Go hug it out.
Okay! Well, I'd like to thank some people, too, if I may.
I would like to thank my son Brick.
I know, no matter what, your future's gonna be bright because you really are the best guy I know.
[MAN.]
Yeah, Brick! I love you.
[CROWD.]
Aww! You really are.
Dad, what are you doing here? I thought you were at the swingers thing.
That did not go well.
Signed the divorce papers.
I'm here to give them to your mom and to give Bob back the key to his house.
Now? You think that's a good idea? The sooner we get closure, the sooner we can all move on.
Think of it as a conscious unthroupling.
[PATTY.]
With Becky otherwise occupied and Officer Greg distracted, I could sneak away and look for the convict formerly known as my dad.
And now, maybe most importantly, I want to thank my dearest friend, Bob Barnard.
Thank you so much for getting the word out.
This would not have been possible without you.
Come on up here.
- Please welcome Bob Barnard! - [BOB ARMSTRONG.]
Her dearest friend? Yes.
Thank you so much, and don't forget to vote Bob Barnard for mayor.
Thanks, Coralee.
Not just for the shout-out, but for your love and support.
I wouldn't have made it through the last few weeks if it wasn't for her.
You're more than just a friend.
You're the Grace to my Will, my partner, my platonic soulmate.
And if I win this election, I'm gonna make you Masonville's very own first lady.
What? [BOB ARMSTRONG.]
Were they serious? They forced me to choose, and now they were a platonic power couple without me? No wonder it was so easy for them to move on.
They had each other.
- Are you fucking kidding me? - [CROWD CLAMORING.]
[CORALEE.]
Bob.
Bob, what are you doing? Oh, what are you doing? You know, I can't believe you.
I am so tired of feeling like the bad guy when the two of you betrayed me.
You told me you were willing to try it with Barnard, really try.
But then you pulled the rug out from under me the very next day? - Bob - And you! I was perfectly happy in my marriage until you kissed me, - and then you made me choose.
- [CLAMORING.]
The two of you want to act like I'm the one who ruined your lives when he's the one who threw the grenade in the middle of the relationship.
And now look at you.
So happy making a life without me, and I'm the one left out in the cold? Screw this.
And screw your Will and Grace mayoral bullshit.
- I'm running for mayor, too.
- [FEEDBACK WHINES.]
[BOB BARNARD LAUGHS.]
Dad, that was the most conscious unthroupling I have ever seen.
[BOB ARMSTRONG SIGHS.]
If I wanted a fresh start, I sure had one now.
- I had burned my past to the ground.
- [KNOCK ON WINDOW.]
That was fucking awesome.
Really? Can I get in? I want to help you run for mayor.
I'm gonna be your campaign manager.
You? Yeah.
Well, you helped Patty when I couldn't, so I'd like to return the favor.
I don't know.
Angie, I mean, no offense, you work in a Mexican-themed hot dog restaurant.
I didn't always sling wieners, Bob.
Before I got knocked up with Patty, I was class president, and I didn't even have to give out blowies to win.
Come on.
Let them be Will and Grace.
We can be like Sid and Nancy or Thelma and Louise, like Siegfried and Roy.
Like mac and cheese, or Lady and the Tramp.
Or You're not gonna get out of my car until I say yes, are you? No.
All right.
- Yes, it is.
- Okay.
Angie, what the fuck are those? I got a good deal on 'em.
Did ya? Two for one.
[PATTY.]
There he was, just the corpse I was looking for.
[GASPS.]
[BONES CRACK.]
Wow! I'm a horrible father, and I wouldn't even bring a kid here.
- You're the worst.
- What's wrong? I'm just so excited to be here.
Hey, Officer Greg, could I try to take a DNA sample? - I mean, YOLO, right? - [SIGHS.]
Let me find another swab.
Is that your dad? We're about to find out.
Wow.
Your life really is a mess.
[WOMAN.]
Well, it turned out, it wasn't me that leaked.
It was my Hawaiian Punch.
[LAUGHING.]
Thank you so much for staying.
Ah, I told you.
We're in this together.
Okay, so I ran across the street, and picked up a "Who's the Bastard Now?" Quick DNA Test.
That's a thing? I already ran your and Gordy's samples, so we should know in just a few minutes.
[SIGHS.]
Hey, where's Becky? - She's - [TAPS MICROPHONE.]
Hi.
Um, I'm Becky.
- [MAN.]
Hi, Becky.
- [WOMAN.]
Hi, Becky.
And I'm gonna share my own period story.
I'm 13 years old, still haven't had mine yet.
In fact, up until tonight, I hadn't done a lot of things.
I hadn't been to a real party.
I didn't have any real friends.
I'd never had the courage to get up in front of a group of people.
And I thought for any of that to happen, I had to look a certain way.
But thanks to my big sister, Patty Bladell, I did all of those things tonight.
And I feel really good about myself.
I finally have a real story to share, and I'm not afraid to get up here and tell it.
I'm living my life now.
And for the first time maybe ever, - I feel happy.
- [LAUGHS.]
[CROWD CHEERING.]
Hey! It looks like we have a winner, everybody.
That was amazing.
Oh, so strong.
So strong.
[PATTY.]
Where was Bob? I couldn't wait to tell him what happened.
So what, you think this means you're not a terrible role model? Can't change the facts.
You're still Poison Patty.
Go away.
- [PATTY EXHALES.]
- [BEEPS.]
Patty, it's negative.
Gordy's not your dad.
[PATTY.]
But it didn't even matter anymore.
There was good in me, despite my DNA.
Which meant Buh-bye.
Maybe I could have a fresh start after all.
I could burn my past to the ground and move on.
Get back into recovery, win State, then Miss American Lady, then who knows what I could do.
So, explain this to me.
Do you have to be black to get into Hughes? No, there's, like, seven percent of people who aren't.
And Oh, my God.
Look.
When was I at Hughes? Wait.
That was the outfit I was wearing when they found me.
[SCOFFS.]
[PATTY.]
That's what she was wearing when I killed Christian, which she may or may not have seen.
Oh, my God.
It's a clue.
Maybe those girls know what happened to you.
I can help you.
I'm really good at investigating.
Ask Patty.