It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia s02e04 Episode Script

- What? - Hi, Mrs.
Reynolds.
- What do you want? - Frank sent me over to pick up his toupee.
- His toupee? - Yep.
- What does he need his toupee for? - I think he has a date.
Frank has a date? Yeah, I guess.
Well, he can't have it.
It's mine.
You own his hair? All right, fine.
It's in a box in the hallway.
I was gonna throw it away anyway.
So I'm really sorry about this.
I know it's probably a tough time for you.
Divorce is a tricky thing.
Oh! I found it.
I got the hair now.
Found the hair.
So I guess I'll just, uh, see myself out.
Right.
Thank you for the hair.
Oh, shit.
Wait till you see the hair.
This is really authentic-looking hair.
It looks good.
- So how do you know this chick, anyway? - Angie Spinola High school.
Firecracker.
Hung out all the time.
- Oh, yeah? - Oh, yeah.
We did everything together.
Wild sex.
Whoa! I mean You name it, we did it.
- Well, she sounds awesome.
- Yeah.
They don't make women like Angie anymore.
Tell you that right now.
Charlie, you gonna be okay, I leave you alone at the bar here? I think things have been going pretty well since you put me in charge, Frank.
Right.
Keep your fingers crossed.
What are you? Why? Why would a person wipe their own shit onto a wall? I don't know.
What are you doing? I thought you were cleaning the toilet.
What? Cleaning toilet? No, that's what Charlie does.
I'm not doing Charlie work anymore.
Okay, Dad said we need to, so get back in there and clean the stall.
Dee, Dee Will you take it easy? I got a little plan to get us out of it.
- You do? - Oh, yeah.
Oh, God, that's good news.
What is it? Well, let's just say I got a little date tonight and as soon as Charlie sees who it is no more Charlie work for me.
How does that help me? - I guess it doesn't, really.
- Mm-mmm.
It sure doesn't.
You know, you should come up with a plan just like I did and then you can get out of Charlie work too.
Oh, you think I can't come up with a plan? Hey! - Dennis, hey.
- Got something for you.
What? Really? - Yeah.
- Wow! Oh, thank you.
- That's really nice.
- Can I take your coat? Uh, are we staying here? No, no.
I just want to have a look at what you're wearing.
- Okay.
- All right.
So what do you think? Yeah, okay.
That'll work.
Are you not wearing makeup? - I'm wearing makeup.
- Really? - Yeah.
- Do you have any more? No.
I didn't bring makeup.
Mmm.
Uh, okay.
That's all right.
Let's go say good night to Charlie.
Come on.
Uh, I don't think that's such a good idea.
Oh, no, no, no.
He's totally fine with the situation.
- It's cool.
Come on.
- Really? - Yeah, yeah.
- Okay.
Hey, buddy.
Please knock if you're gonna be coming into my off What ya doin'? - Uh, I was doing some office stuff.
- Oh, yeah? Well, listen, uh, we are gonna hit the town so we just wanted to pop back and say good night.
Looks like you got everything under control back here.
- Yeah, I do.
- That's a nice house of cards, Charlie.
Actually, no.
I was doing some business stuff'cause I'm the manager now.
Great.
Well, we're out of here.
Don't work too hard, okay, bud? - Good night, Charlie.
- Yeah, good night.
- Could you, uh, give me one second? - Yeah.
Thanks.
Okay, listen.
Here's the deal.
I'm gonna bang her tonight, probably around 10:30 or so.
Now, I really don't wanna do that so all you have to do to stop me is call my cell phone by 10:30 and say, "Dennis, you don't have to do Charlie work anymore.
" - You're not gonna get away with this.
- Oh, yeah, I will.
I'll get away with it.
10:30, okay? Gonna blackmail me? You gonna blackmail me, Dennis Reynolds? - You ready? - I'm ready.
Let's roll.
- Hey-o! What's up, buddy? - Hello.
- What's that? - It's your dad's hair.
- Gross.
- Yeah.
Is Charlie here? Yeah, man.
What's up with you? You seem flustered.
- Is Charlie - He's in the back office.
- I wanna talk to him.
- Okay.
Go talk to him.
- Okay.
- Great.
Yeah.
Uh Bye, Dennis.
See ya.
Charlie, I have a real dilemma on my hands.
Normally I would never talk to you about these things because you're so unreliable but Dennis, Dee and Frank are all directly involved, and I gotta tell somebody, man.
I am bustin'.
Okay Dennis's mom tried to have sex with me.
- Interesting.
- Yeah, man, she got naked, she came on to me That woman is straight crazy, but I think I wanna bang her.
I know I shouldn't do it - I think you should do it.
- What? An opportunity like this only comes around once in a lifetime, right? - Right.
- You'd be a fool to let it slip through your fingers.
Yeah, that's what I'm thinkin', but it's Dennis and Dee's mom.
Well, that means that no one ever, ever is gonna find out.
- That doesn't make sense.
- It doesn't have to make sense.
You're right.
I'm gonna do it.
- Okay.
Okay.
Oh, this is good.
- This is good.
- Oh, this is good.
- Oh, oh, oh I gotta meet Frank.
- I gotta give him his hair.
- You go, 'cause I gotta plot, and I gotta think.
- Oh, great.
- Get out of here.
Go.
God, this is good! - Dennis's mom.
Yes, he is.
I'm busy.
- I want my job back.
- Look, I'm What? - I want my job back.
Well, I'm And you shall have it.
Oh, Dee.
It looks like we both need things from each other.
I am not having sex with you, Charlie.
No.
It's not sex I want from you.
It's sex I don't want from Dennis.
Hmm? Mmm.
So you gotta tell me about all the shit you been gettin' into.
You must have a police record a mile long.
Oh, God.
No.
Don't be modest now.
You remember all the shit we used to get into? - Mm-hmm.
- You remember that night in the graveyard? - How could I forget? - That slab was cold, baby.
It was.
And remember the time we robbed a motorcycle and ran it into the river? - Yes.
- Well, you must be doin' shit like that now, huh? Come on.
Well, I've slowed down quite a bit once I met my husband, Carl.
Oh, you told me you weren't married.
Oh, I'm not.
Carl passed a few years ago.
- Oh.
- Once I met him and had kids, I pretty much stayed at home.
Carl had two children from a previous marriage and then we had five of our own.
Oh, shit.
Hi.
I'm Jenny.
I'll be your server this evening.
Are you ready to order, or do you need some more time? - I think we need just a little more time.
- I'll be back in a second.
Isn't having children a blessing? What? Isn't having children such a blessing? What the hell are you talking about? Well, I mean, when Carl passed, my children were an enormous source of strength.
- I mean, I thought - Whoa, whoa, wait, wait, wait.
Angie, I'm gonna have to stop you.
- I'm sorry? - This is not gonna work out.
- What's not going to work out? - You, me, talking like this.
- Why? What's wrong? - For starters, you've got kids and shit.
And you talk about 'em.
You talk about your kids, you talk about your dead husband.
- I mean, it's kind of bummin' me out.
- Oh, you know, I'm sorry.
It's not your fault.
It's just, maybe I think you're too old for me.
Frank, I'm two years younger than you.
That's what I'm talkin' about.
I had a really good time tonight.
I had a good time too.
Okay, what's the deal with that? - What? - Why do you keep checking your cell phone? I've just been I've been expecting an important phone call.
- I'm sorry.
- No.
Good luck with that.
Wait, wait, wait.
Don't Don't go.
I wanna go inside.
- No.
I'm not gonna ask you inside, Dennis.
- Why not? Because I really like you.
Well, yeah.
I mean I really like you too.
- Then let's just take it slow, okay? - Oh-Oh, wait.
Uh I love you.
L I kind of don't know what to say.
I kind of don't want you to say anything.
Oh, uh, hold that thought.
- Yo.
- I'm ready to talk.
Cuttin' it pretty close there, pal.
I almost sealed the deal.
Just meet me at Paddy's and we'll work it all out.
Sorry about, uh I feel like maybe I was being a little judgmental.
- You're good.
- Okay.
Well, let's go.
No.
You were right.
I should I'm gonna go.
Yeah.
I'm gonna go now.
We should take it slow.
- You were right.
- Really? Because I don't need to now.
I think it's good.
I think it's real good.
Call me.
Charlie? You called just in the nick of time, buddy.
I was Looks like we got a blown fuse in here.
Better get on that.
Blown fuses count as Charlie work.
Oh, I don't think I'll be changing any fuses any time soon.
I know something you don't know.
That was, like, the best sex I've ever had, Mrs.
Reynolds.
- Like something magical happened.
- Hmm? I was just saying that that was, like, so special and, I mean, it was like magic.
You're not gonna start talking about your feelings and shit, are you? No.
Gay.
No.
It's just that I mean, unless you want to, 'cause No.
I got a better plan.
Okay.
All right.
Uh, so can I call you sometime? - I have your number, right? - No, I don't think so.
I know how to find you.
Why don't we leave it at that? Wh All right.
Did I do something wrong? I mean, was the sex bad? - Don't worry about it.
- I can make adjustments 'Cause I've had to do that before, and it hasn't been a problem.
- I'm shutting the door now.
- Well, if I could just have a kiss good-bye that would be really great for me.
If I gave you a kiss good-bye, would you let go of the door? - Yeah.
- Fine.
Oh, my God.
Oh! Yeah.
It's a terrible thing.
It's a terrible thing for you to see that.
- I'm gonna kill him.
- No - I'm gonna kill him! - No.
Wait, wait, wait.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
What are you gonna do, punch him in the face? Throw him? Work the body a little? No, no, it's not gonna help.
I'll tell you why.
It doesn't "un-bang" your mom.
No, you gotta do something worse Something much, much worse.
You're gonna have to bang Mac's mom.
I thought I was.
- Hi.
- What? - I'm looking for Mrs.
Mac.
Is she in? - Yeah.
I'm a friend of her son's.
- I know you, Dennis.
- Oh.
Oh, my God.
It's been a long time.
Haven't seen you in a while.
You look different.
- I gained a little weight.
- Is that what it is? - Looks good on you.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
Do you mind if I sit? So.
Watching a little TV outside, huh? I like the fresh air.
Probably gets a little lonely though every once in a while watching TV out here by yourself.
Every once in a while you probably want a man, right? Someone to fulfill your desires.
Oh.
Not interested.
Don't fight it, Mrs.
Mac.
Why don't we go inside and have a little fun? Don't find you attractive.
What? I think you're an ugly man.
You think I'm ugly? - Yeah.
- I'm not ugly.
You're ugly.
Yeah.
Jesus Christ.
What is wrong with you, woman? You're saying that I'm un You don't find me attractive? - No.
- And you're What? Not gonna have sex with me? - No.
- This is ridiculous.
I'm I'm out of here.
Wait.
What What just happened? I think you know exactly what just happened.
- No.
- Yeah.
No, come on.
He did not try to have sex with that woman.
Oh, he did, 'cause he's a dirty, dirty pervert.
- I'm I'm so confused right now.
- Really? - Are you? I can help you.
Don't trust him.
- But Uh-oh.
Excuse me.
- I need to get this.
- Okay.
Can you pop out real quick? Really? Yeah.
It's personal.
You don't want to be rude, so Excuse me.
- Oh, my God.
- Thanks.
- Yeah.
- How we doin'? - Cat's in the cradle.
- Good, good, good.
- Time to move to phase two.
- There is no phase two.
I'm not doing phase two.
I did everything you said.
It's over.
This isn't over until I say it's over! God.
Sorry.
Okay.
Relax, dude.
One more phase.
That's it.
This is Barbara.
Leave a message.
Hey, uh Not answering my calls.
I get it.
You're busy.
You're busy.
It's a busy time of the week.
Um, listen, I think you should give me a call back because I know what you're afraid of.
You think Frank and Dennis are gonna find out, but they're not, okay? I'm gonna keep my mouth shut on this one.
And I know that you know that the sex was good, right? So I think maybe we should There's somebody at the door.
I'm just gonna ignore it.
I think that maybe we should get together Oh, they sound pissed.
All right, listen.
I'll give you a call back.
All right.
- Let's go for a ride.
- Why? Grab your coat.
We're goin' for a ride.
- Are you going to kill me? - What? No.
I just wanna go out and pick up some younger chicks and I need a wing man for that.
Come on.
Let's roll.
- How about the two out there on the dance floor? - Go on.
Go on, break the ice.
- Oh, come on, man.
- Come on, man.
Go.
Go.
- All right, all right.
Hey, how ya doin'? I like your top.
Lookin' good.
Mac.
- Hi.
- Hi.
I'm Frank.
Wanna get down? Huh? What happened? What did you do? What are you talking about, what did I do? What was with that little move? That move always works with the ladies.
Frank, you have never gotten a chick with that move.
- What are you talkin' about? That's how I got my wife.
- Really? Yeah.
So don't go blamin' the move.
The move works.
So, uh, what other kind of things worked on your wife? - She likes money.
- So she likes money and dancing.
Can we stop talking about my wife for a second here? You're killin' the vibe.
Let me see now.
Over there.
Try the move.
You hang over here, this side, while I Hello, hello, hello.
I'm Frank.
Remember? Where'd he go? Mac! Go away.
- We need to talk.
- Dee, now's not a good time.
Charlie is making me have sex with him to get out of Charlie work.
- What? - Yeah, I know.
Really gross.
Am I the only one around here who's not getting laid? Dennis, Charlie is forcing me to have sex with him.
Mac's getting laid.
You're getting laid.
Now even Charlie's getting laid? This makes me look terrible.
Well, you know what? This is all Charlie's fault.
None of this would be happening if Dad didn't put him in charge.
You're right.
- I'm gonna kill him.
- No, no.
Whoa.
You ought to do something worse than that Something much, much worse.
- Oh! Hello, Dennis.
- Hello, Mrs.
Kelly.
- You look wonderful.
- Thank you.
Oh.
Oh, my! Well, uh, it's good to see you, Dennis.
What brings you by? I wanted to bring you some chocolates.
- Thank you.
- Do you mind if I come in? Okay.
Oh, no.
That son of a bitch.
- I know it.
- No! No, he said he loved me.
How dare he do that? - I'm gonna stab him.
- Oh.
- I'm gonna stab his face off.
- No.
No, stabbing's bad.
You need to do something worse Something much, much worse.
You gotta sleep with Charlie.
Shh.
Shh, shh, shh.
I'm sorry, sweetie.
I just don't find you sexually attractive.
Are you kidding me? You don't find me sexually attractive? What in the hell is going on? What is wrong with you people? I am sexually a I am sexually attractive.
I am an attractive man.
- Bam.
- What the hell is that? - $443.
- Listen, Mac, let's just end this right now.
I only slept with you to piss Frank off.
Afterward I felt like I was gonna throw up.
So Frank makes you want to throw up? No.
You're not listening.
It's you that makes me want to throw up.
Oh.
So you don't want to be my girlfriend anymore? - Jesus Christ.
- Wait a second.
Hold on.
Wait! I'm confused.
So you don't want to be my girlfriend anymore? - Hey.
- Oh, shit! No, Mac, it's okay.
It's all right.
- Listen, uh - Okay, let me explain.
- Just let me explain.
- No, no.
I understand, okay? - You do? - Yeah.
Look, I I think I know how you're feeling.
Oh, man.
That is such a relief.
Check this out.
L - You've done well.
- Thank you And your date with the waitress is all set up.
- Oh! Mmm! That is so wonderful.
- I have to ask you though How did you know that your mom wasn't gonna sleep with Dennis? Hmm.
Guess I kind of overlooked that detail.
Okay, time for phase three, Dee.
No, Charlie.
You said there were only two phases.
This one's easy.
- Okay.
Phase three complete.
- It looks good? - You look really good.
- You sure? - Yes.
- You're all done? I'm all done.
You look great.
- Thanks for helping me out.
- You're welcome.
The waitress is gonna be here soon.
I'm gonna go back to bartending, and you will go back to handling poo-poo.
- Yeah, okay.
Phase four - No! No.
- I got a quick phase four.
- Charlie - Let me squeak a phase four in.
- I won't You can't - There's no squeaking of phase No.
No.
- Okay, fine! - It's over.
Okay? - Thank you.
You are hereby released of all Charlie work.
Hey, guys, uh, can you do me a favor and not get too drunk? All right? 'Cause I got some kegs that I need changing.
Uh, there's, like You know what? - There's some rats down in the rattraps.
- Yeah.
Hello, gang! You're lookin' at the new Frank.
Ooh! What the hell is she doing here? "What the hell is she doing here?" Really? Really.
I'll tell you what I'm doing here.
You wanna know what I'm doing here, shit-for-brains? I had sex with your dad.
That's right, I had sex with your father because, just like you, I like my sex old and ugly.
And with fake hair on their heads that falls off when you're having sex with 'em.
It just falls off because that's what you do, Dennis Reynolds.
You like to have sex with old people.
And you said that you loved me! You said, "I love you,"and so I thought, "Okay, I love you too.
" How do you show love? You go and have sex with old people.
So that's what I did too!