Kenan (2021) s02e04 Episode Script

1
Fam, what's up with your boy Phil?
- [LAUGHTER]
- I mean, wow.
He got rugged up, huh?
Yeah, look like he asked
for the Brad Pitt-iful.
We're on in five.
Yeah, looking like
the white Jesus, am I right?
Amen.
[LAUGHING] Welcome back.
Sad news as we report a freak tornado
has ripped through Bibb County,
leaving several homes destroyed
[CLEARS THROAT] 16 hospitalized,
and one on wig support life support.
So thoughts and hairs
thoughts and prayers.
And as always, thank you
for waking up with Kenan.
AND CLEAR. BOTH: Oh, man.
Whew.
What happened out there?
Uh, maybe that thing on your
head is what happened.
Man, that segment was the worst
since the time you wet-farted
all the way through
the Derek Chauvin sentence.
The body expresses itself in
a plethora of ways, okay, Gary?
Well, I'm going to get out of here
before Mika starts yelling at me.
Oh, don't go Mika yelling at
you is the highlight of my day,
which is weird 'cause you're my favorite.
- Thanks, man.
- Don't worry.
I'll pray for you, Kenan.
I appreciate it. Oh, here she comes.
Kenan.
That was rough.
But we'll get them tomorrow.
Pam, Tammy, that was fire.
And, Phil, go ahead with your Brad self.
I don't say this enough,
but I love you guys,
even you Garebear. [GIGGLES]
- What the hell?
- Garebear?
Okay, did she get saved?
'Cause she's got those saved eyes.
No, no, no.
- Saved people are haters.
- No.
Somebody giving her the mac and cheese.
You know, she swimming
in that splish-splash.
Sex. She's having sex.
Damn, y'all.
- Oh.
- I knew that.
You didn't, I said mac
and cheese, and you were like
Yeah, and I got hungry.
[FUNKY UPBEAT MUSIC]
♪
You know what? Maybe
I've been too hard on you.
I'm going to give you two minutes
for your flat Earth stuff.
Really? Yes. Thank you.
I knew you were one of us.
Damn, Mika flat Earth?
Somebody wearing booty-colored glasses.
Gary, have some class man.
Actually, Mika, we're all
very proud of you for having
all the hot butt-naked sex
that you're having.
Oh, my God.
Is it that obvious that I'm seeing someone?
Uh, yeah. So what's the hot
butt-naked man's name?
Nick. [GIGGLES]
He's sweet and tall and, yes, sexy.
Sounds like the opening to a romance novel
I used to read
on my washing machine go on.
Okay, so he went to Georgetown,
and he owns a seafood
restaurant in Buckhead.
A single college graduate
who is a successful seafood entrepreneur.
- Yeah.
- Sounds fishy, pun intended.
Yeah, restaurants are usually
a front for illegalities,
like my Uncle Valentine's pizza shop.
He did sell pizza, but one
of the toppings was weed.
Okay, see, this is exactly
why I don't want to tell you all,
because I didn't need any of the judgments.
We're not judging. We're just looking out.
Yeah. You're in the honeymoon phase.
You might not be seeing things clearly.
Let us meet him and decide
if he's Mika worthy.
Hmm.
All right, you may be right.
Maybe?
Come on, you can't have
a sixth failed engagement.
You have lost more rings
in the last minute than LeBron.
The man saved his family
from the goon squad.
What more did you people want?
To know what the goon squad is.
[HIP-HOP MUSIC]
Mika, you ain't say your man own Pesco's.
This is the hottest spot in Buckhead.
Yeah, it takes six months to get into here.
It only takes two nights to get in Pam.
Yeah, all right, he's got
the hottest restaurant in town,
but I'm still not sold on this dude.
Yeah, Mika, Kenan and I
agreed that we were going to be
honest with you no matter what.
- Okay.
- Mika.
He could get it.
He could definitely get it.
- BOTH: Hi.
- Chill, Tammy.
Welcome to Pesco's.
You guys must be Mika's
work friends and Gary.
"And Gary" didn't realize
we were so close.
Guys, this is Nick.
Oh, I know exactly who you are
Mr. Nick Johnson.
Yeah, did a little research.
So I know about the
bankruptcy, the divorce,
and the wife and kids in Gilbert, Arizona.
[CHUCKLES] It's Johnston with a T,
and those kids are Korean.
Are they?
Oh, that's my bad I thought
they were just light-skinned.
Well, we've got all night
to get to know each other real well.
Thank you for coming. Everything's on me.
Uh, does that include drinks?
Is my mom a Jehovah's Witness?
Yes, she is.
[EXCITED CHATTER]
- Shall we?
- We shall, I'm thirsty.
So, Nick Johnston,
what are your intentions
with our girl here?
Yeah.
Well, in short, to try every single day
to be the man she deserves,
which is impossible.
She deserves perfection.
My water just broke.
Man, that was some "Love Jones" -type ish
right there.
Oh, you're sweet.
You're like a human teddy bear.
That was my line name. I'm a sigma.
Wow, me too.
Quinn, Quinn? Show them to eight, please.
I reserved our best table for us.
So go ahead start ordering,
and I'll be with you guys in a few minutes.
Okay.
All right.
♪
Okay, what do you think?
- He is literally perfect.
- I know.
You think he'd go to a Hawks game with me?
- Kenan.
- We got to work up to that?
- Yeah.
- All right.
Yo, this place is nice.
Looks like a spot a Instagram model
would wear a waist trainer to.
- Oh, is that the three amigos?
- No, and it's just Migos.
- Not if they're friends.
- That's fair.
- Sweet mother of Pam.
- What you Pamming about?
Oh, Pam!
What can I get you?
Her to wait on us.
Yeah, keep moving, boss,
We don't need all this youth-pastor energy
you got going on,
looking like Kirk Franklin.
Be blessed.
Yeah, but be gone.
- Hey, hey.
- Hey.
What up, though? both: What's up?
- [CHUCKLES]
- Ha.
Mmm! Mmm!
Man, these lemon-pepper
jalapeño poppers slap!
I really hope that people never
stopped lemon-peppering things.
I love this guy.
Congrats, Mika.
[GIGGLES] I'm going to make
the best matron of honor
bridesmaid, invited guest, plus-one.
Okay, look, this isn't about you, Tammy.
This is about Nick.
- I got to break up with him.
- [SPITS]
What?
What? Mika, what's the problem?
Nick is amazing.
I mean, I'm starting
to have feelings for him
bromance not romance,
but still a lot of feelings.
Look, he said he was going
to be with us the whole night,
and then he just upped and bounce,
just floating around the
restaurant from table to table
for the last half hour like some kind of
Responsible small-business owner?
Yeah. No, look, I need my man
to do what he says he's going to do.
This is a serious red flag.
Oh, so now a Black man
can't get his hustle on?
I swear, you women
- y'all are both very lovely
- Uh-huh.
And great at spotting red flags.
Yeah.
Mika, I do think you might be overreacting,
and that's coming from someone
who made her husband get a vasectomy
because our last child
was born with red hair.
Oh.
Listen to the monster
that is Tammy, all right?
Just talk to Nick
before you do anything rash.
Okay, fine.
That a girl.
Oh, and see if he'll send over
a round of those lemon-pepper
turkey tenders, please.
Here we are.
We've got an IPA for the cutie
and a Sex on the Beach
in a more masculine glass for my manly man.
I usually prefer to drink Hennessy,
but my allergies are acting up. [SNIFFS]
I can already tell this is going to be
the best drink of my life.
[LAUGHS]
- Are you seeing this?
- She is seriously flirting.
Uh, Right? So why don't you
go ahead on and get
so I can, uh, bag her number.
Why don't you get ahead and get?
She's been flirting with me
all night, not you.
Are you insane?
[SCOFFS] Watch this.
Hey, gorgeous, can I get
another orange slice
for my drink and your IG page perhaps?
Of course, handsome.
It's ChellyBelly321uno, all one word.
Ooh, classy and bilingual.
[CHUCKLES] I don't need orange slices
'cause I'm not in the youth soccer league,
but I might get up on that IG, too.
Well, only if I get to
follow you back, boo.
Okay, it is @pamsports-
underscore-69-underscore-69
You know what? There's more 69s,
so I'll just put it in myself for you.
Why you being so damn thirsty, Pam?
You going to follow me back, too, though.
Oh, you're my Man Crush Monday.
Hell, yeah.
You know what? You two are really cute.
Next round's on me. [LAUGHTER]
BOTH: Dibs! Jinx!
Damn it!
Oh, I'm in a tough spot right now.
I love Mika, but I also love drama.
You know what? They'll be fine.
She just needs zaddy
to show her some more love.
- Yeah.
- Face it, bro, Shelly's got
a case of the Pam.
It's a Pam-demic.
No, no, no, she has Gary-rrhea.
I don't know do that
as well as you do that.
Ooh, hold on to your shrimps.
Looks like there's trouble in paradise.
Come on, y'all. That's just Black love.
They are just talking it out.
See, right now she's saying,
"When we get home later, my king,
I'm going to massage you here,
here, and here."
Man, that isn't Black love.
That's Black "Love & Hip Hop."
He should have gave her that record deal.
See? all: Oh.
- Wow.
- No.
Hey, you think she got
those lemon-pepper turkey tenders in there?
I don't think so.
Wait, you guys,
but Nick's still paying
for all this, right?
Oh, hey, while you're here,
can we get, like, I don't know,
five lobster entrées,
a couple of tiramisus, two
of those Pesco's sweatshirts?
A bottle of lemon-pepper sauce
just to keep in the car.
A bottle lemon-pepper sauce.
Oh, can I get a lobster
out the tank-don't kill it.
I want to have it as a pet
for my nieces or myself.
A hat to cover my child's red head.
But all of it to-go.
- Thank you.
- Please. Thank you.
- Thank you.
- Oh, you're so sweet.
These NASA photos are faked.
This is the real thing.
Phil, walk away.
Don't blame me when you fall off.
I'll never get used to it.
Hey, champ, you want
to talk about last night?
Uh, what about it?
Well, some people are saying, not myself,
but maybe you broke up
with Nick for doing his job.
Look, he said he was going
to be there for us,
and then he bailed it's like
Keith all over again.
It's nothing like Keith. Who's Keith?
My first fiancé.
So it's just better to end things with Nick
- before someone gets hurt.
- Wait, wait, wait.
I thought you broke up
with all your fiancés.
Not the first one.
Look, Kenan, I'm really busy, okay?
I approved a lot of crappy stories
when we were making mac and cheese.
No, no, come on, come on, Talk to me, now.
All right, look, it was a long time ago.
Keith and I fell in love
freshman year at college.
I pledged JKA skee-wee. He was a Kappa.
Boo. Sorry, sigma.
You know! Continue.
Anyway, a week before the wedding,
he broke things off
and didn't tell me why, no explanation.
Didn't even bother to ask me
for the ring back.
Well, that's messed up.
Yeah, and I swore
I would never let myself
get hurt like that again.
So now when I see
the warning signs, I'm out.
Yeah, but what if you're wrong?
Either way, I save myself
a lot of heartbreak.
Now, I really got to find
a replacement for this
"Karens have feelings, too" segment.
Oh, good Lord, you was drunk
on that splish-splash.
- I know.
- I'll see you later.
Bam! All in your face.
That's Rachelle on Instagram
holding hands with a man
a Black man.
Clearly she was into me.
No, look, Rachelle
with her arm around a woman,
a white woman or Greek.
I can't tell.
I mean, Greek is white,
but not at certain times in our history.
Damn it, Pam, they was always white to me.
What we going to do, man?
We can't walk up to here
and ask her what she's into.
Not in these times.
We need someone
who is not afraid to ask
offensive questions.
Right, somebody from a different generation
who's not afraid to get canceled
'cause we already gave up on them.
Mm-hmm, just a sad person
who just will ask anything.
Let me put this in terms a
younger person can understand.
What's your most used emoji
uh, eggplant or vagina emoji?
How long does it take to say Pam?
I think I got your answer.
She's attracted to Pam.
- Yes!
- What?
- And Gary.
- Yes!
Phil, can you clarify
what you think the word "answer" means?
Apparently she's something
called "omnisexual."
Ah, of course. What
the hell does that mean?
I assume it means she only
has sex in Omni hotels.
So you two better start saving up.
Not quite. She's just progressive.
It means she's open
to finding love from anyone.
Sure.
Well, let the best anyone win.
- Game on!
- Whoa!
You two are getting
into some dangerous territory.
Let me give you some hard-earned advice
from my days in Phil Collin
My Phil Collins tribute band
with my friend Collin.
Wait, wait, wait. You have a friend?
I did. But then Trisha got between us.
Sure, I lost my virginity,
but I also lost my best friend,
and they both were very painful.
- Oh.
- Ew.
Trust me on this.
- [EXHALES DEEPLY]
- [MUMBLES]
You know, he is right, Gary.
Besides, the woman I was
with two nights ago told me
I had to stop having meaningless flings.
I mean, I cannot remember her name,
but she was very wise.
So how about we just let this one go?
All right, forget it.
- All right.
- Yeah, man.
I don't even remember what it was about.
I'm glad we cleared that up, okay.
Yeah, we did.
[MUMBLING TO SELF]
Mika. You got time
to go car shopping with me?
You know how bad I am at negotiating.
Birdie's allowance is,
like, a stack a week.
Look, Kenan, I'm really busy.
I'm still undoing all my
mac-and-cheese decisions.
And by the way,
I couldn't unbook Chet Hanks,
so you may have to
make jerk chicken with him.
Chet Hanks.
Oh Well, now you definitely owe me one.
[SIGHS] Fine.
Okay, so, when I'm haggling,
if it looks like
I'm going to cry, I'm not.
If it looks like I'm going to
throw up, I'm not.
If it looks like he's going to
cry and throw up, we winning.
That's great advice. Let's go get 'em.
Wait a minute. Keith Allen's Luxury Autos?
Kenan, what are you doing?
All right, I just happen to be shopping
for a fancy-ass car from the guy
that broke your heart
in a million little pieces.
But, Mika, you never got over
your first fiancé,
and now you are sabotaging all
your future chances at love.
Now, come on in here and talk to this man.
You know what's funny, is
that I remember telling you
to stay out of it, so, no,
we ain't going nowhere.
Well, what kind of friend would I be
if I just listened to you all the time?
Uh, you'd be a smart friend.
All right, come up off my unlock button.
You going to listen to me,
Kenan we staying here.
Hi. Welcome. Come to
test-drive a new vehicle today?
No. No, no. Thank you, no. De nada.
Mika, talk to him.
Get some closure. It'll help you move on.
Okay, fine.
Keith Allen!
- Mika Caldwell!
- Wow!
- Come on.
- What a coincidence, huh?
[CHUCKLES] You know, my friend here
wants to buy the most
expensive car you got.
- Oh.
- Uh, that is correct.
I enjoy expensive things.
I'm actually the owner of issue
number 30 of "X Men"
Mint!
Oh, oh, this guy's got taste.
So here it is
the most expensive car we have.
Great.
Uh, quick question
you got any, uh, deals going on
or, like, any rebates with this baby?
[LAUGHING]
- I'm joking.
- This guy.
I'll just show myself
the car while y'all catch up.
Let's see.
Maybe give it a little smack, talk to it.
Uh, Lamborghini up.
Uh, just push the button right there.
Oh, my bad.
This must be one of the older ones.
No, it's a 2023.
Yes, it is.
This is so blowing my mind right now.
How long has it been since
11 years ago, this Valentine's Day.
Yeah, I remember because
we were supposed to get married
on Valentine's Day, so
Hey, man, how much horsepower
is in these wipers?
You know what? I'll look it up online.
Carry on.
Well, let me say, I'm really sorry.
Oh, I don't want your apologies, Keith.
I just want to know why you ghosted me.
Like, what was so wrong with me?
Nothing.
I just think we really weren't vibing.
- [HORN HONKS]
- Oh, oh.
Sorry. Horn works, though.
So you walked away
from a four-year relationship
six days before our wedding
because we weren't vibing?
Mika, the truth is
I smoked a lot of weed back then.
I mean, if I knew what stupid thought I had
when I was 24, I'd tell you.
But I just don't remember.
Seriously?
- [HORN HONKS, ALARM BLARES]
- Oh! Uh, I'm sorry.
Mika, Keith, can y'all help me out here?
- I don't know what I did.
- Wow.
Yo, we got a stucky!
Sorry, I'm the stucky, I guess.
What the hell?
I thought we agreed that
we were not going to let a girl
get in between us like Phil's band.
What are you doing here?
She DM'd me.
Look, here's the thing, Pam
she fine as hell that's it.
Same reason you here, I bet.
- She is very attractive.
- Yeah.
But this doesn't make any sense.
She just DM'd me to come over here.
She DM'd you the same time she DM'd me?
You think it means what I think it means?
A threesome? We cannot
be that kind of band.
We are not the Jonas Brothers.
Or, hot take, are we?
[SIGHS] Hmm.
- All right.
- Yeah.
- But I've got terms.
- Okay.
- No eye contact.
- I hate eyes.
- Leave your socks on.
- Always.
And don't tell Phil.
I turned him and his partner
down after the Christmas party.
Wait, they asked me second?
[SCOFFS] Damn.
- Should I do push-ups?
- No.
- Okay.
- We don't got time for that.
Gary and Pam.
I'm so glad you both could make it.
Come in.
Get in there.
You're just in time
for the customer testimonials.
Girl What?
Ah, SmoothieLyfe?
This is a damn pyramid scheme.
I should have known.
Nobody has daytime threesomes anymore.
Hey, guys, you're seeking
financial freedom, too?
[DRAMATIC MUSIC]
♪
I got nothing.
No closure?
Not only did I not get any closure.
I feel ten times worse. I got "unclosure."
Wouldn't that just be opened?
All right, well, what reason
would make you feel better?
I don't know. Anything.
Okay, so what if he said,
"I cheated on you"?
- Would that be better?
- No.
What if he said his
mama couldn't stand you?
Oh, no, definitely not.
No, his mama loved me.
We're still Facebook friends,
She be like, like, like, like.
- [LAUGHS] That's weird.
- Yeah.
All right, what if he
said, "I'm an addict?"
- Mm.
- Or, "I'm gay"?
- Hmm.
- Or, "It's not you it's me"?
- Ugh.
- "The Devil made me do it"?
Come on, Mika, these are good reasons.
You know what?
I don't think there's anything
he could've said
that would've made me feel any better.
So what? You never get closure?
Maybe I don't get closure from him.
I mean, I guess I just have
to make the choice to move on
and be happy.
And I really want to be happy.
Sounds like someone
just found some closure.
So I guess my plan worked after all.
Okay. You're playing accidentally worked.
Thanks, Kenan.
I'm going to call Nick and apologize.
Oh, tell him I got those Hawks tickets.
Yep.
The view is obstructed,
but they're still good seats.
Ready for that test-drive?
Oh, uh, actually, no.
I don't need a car after all.
Oh, but this isn't a car, Mr. Williams.
This is a lifestyle.
Uh, yeah, okay.
Man, that girl crazy as hell,
but she about to make me
the smoothie king, though.
Whoa, this is what a threesome with Phil
and his partner would taste like.
Man, what is all this crap?
I cannot believe y'all
are out here buying stuff you don't need.
[CAR ALARM CHIRPS] [CLEARS THROAT]
Did you just buy a car?
Oh, I didn't buy a car.
I leased a lifestyle.
Does that lifestyle come with
selling smoothies, brother?
'Cause that lifestyle seems expensive.