Kidding (2018) s02e04 Episode Script

1 [ENNUI LE TRISTE.]
Previously on Kidding Don't do drugs! [JEFF.]
We're gonna build Listen-To-Me Pickles.
I should go talk to Peter.
[NURSE.]
I don't think your wife wants that to happen, but he wants to talk to you though.
[JOSIP.]
I learned English from watching your show.
[SEB.]
His name is Josip Butkevich.
He's some Croatian voice actor.
I have to write a $600,000 check so the IRS won't pummel me.
You're gonna put Puppet Time back on the air.
Not Dad.
You.
- - [CLASSICAL MUSIC.]
Jack and Jill went up the hill To fetch a pail of water Jack fell down and broke his crown And Jill came tumbling after [WHIMSICAL ORCHESTRATION.]
- [INDISTINCT SHOUTING.]
- [ALARM BLARING.]
[SPEAKING NATIVE LANGUAGE.]
- [GUNFIRE.]
- [PEOPLE SHOUTING.]
[SIREN CONTINUES BLARING.]
[MAN SHOUTING IN NATIVE LANGUAGE.]
[JEFF.]
We need friends Friends to laugh with, friends to share with, friends to play with, friends to learn with.
We need friends because friends help us grow.
[GIRL GIGGLES.]
[SNAGGLEHORSE.]
Friends help us grow? [UKE-LARRY.]
True friends do.
[BOTH.]
True friend do.
[SNAGGLEHORSE.]
But what's a true friend, Mr.
Pickles? [KIDS LAUGH.]
[JEFF.]
A friend is someone that could tell you - [JEFF.]
When there's jelly - [UKE-LARRY.]
On your face.
[LAUGHTER.]
[UKE-LARRY.]
A friend is someone you can tell any - [BOOM.]
- [KIDS WHIMPER.]
[KIDS GROAN.]
[POUNDING.]
[GRGUR.]
Josip.
When you need someone to talk to You can always depend on a friend A true friend A friend is someone you call on the phone To be by your side when you're feeling alone - [BOOM.]
- [KIDS SCREAMING.]
[BOOM!.]
[KIDS YELLING, VOICES RETREAT.]
[ALARM BLARING DISTANTLY.]
- [HELICOPTER BLADES THRUMMING.]
- [MAN SHOUTS IN NATIVE LANGUAGE.]
[MAN CONTINUES TO SHOUT DISTANTLY.]
[SOMBER MUSIC.]
A friend is someone who will care for you so When you feel a little broken, they can make you feel whole When the day feels lonely, you can always depend On a friend, a true [DOOR OPENS, CLOSES.]
[LIVELY FOLK MUSIC PLAYING OVER RADIO.]
- [GRUNTS.]
- [XYLOPHONE DINGS.]
- [WHIMPERS.]
- [PLEASANT TONE.]
[JEFF.]
Hello from Ohio.
It's almost time to have supper where you live, Serbia and Croatia.
What are you having? I'm having a song for dinner.
A supper song.
[IMITATES JEFF.]
Do you think I sound like him? [JEFF.]
A friend is someone you can call on the phone To be by your side when you're feeling alone [TOGETHER.]
A friend is someone who will care for your soul When you feel broken, they'll make you feel whole Let's call it even.
[DOOR BELL.]
- [SOFT DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
- Hello, Jeff.
This is Josip Butkevich.
You may remember me from my puppet-based erotica website.
I'm sorry your animated series did not work out, and I hope that things are better with your father.
I know you won't respond to this, but if you ever need a friend, you have one on the border between Serbia and Croatia.
[QUIRKY MUSIC.]
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
So, Mr.
Pickles, let's talk about this new doll.
It's kind of like Alexa, but instead of a computer, there's a middle-aged man listening on the other end.
[LAUGHTER.]
Children deserve to be heard.
I chose to listen.
[APPLAUSE.]
You know, I-sorry, but as a mother, and also the first celebrity Barbie - [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
- Oh.
But I just have to say that it's kind of surprising to me that parents are okay with this.
[AUDIENCE OHHS, CHATTERS.]
They don't seem to mind giving their children smartphones with access to pornography and livestream school shootings.
Listen-To-Me Pickles was meant to be an antidote to all that, a way to bypass the depravity of social media, to give children the attention they crave and so deserve.
You had a show on air for 30 years, and now it's not.
How is that affecting you? I miss seeing my friends, Snagglehorse and Ennui Le Triste.
Uke-Larry and Astronotter.
- [AUDIENCE.]
Aw - But I created a world where children could see me and I couldn't see them.
Now I've created a way for us to really connect and talk to each other.
[CHUCKLING.]
I have more friends now than I've ever had.
- [AUDIENCE.]
Aww.
- [APPLAUSE.]
Well, Mr.
Pickles, you're gonna have 200 more friends to talk to because everyone in our studio audience is getting a free Listen-To-Me Pickles doll! [BRIGHT MUSIC PLAYS OVER SPEAKERS.]
Jeff, you don't have a lot of friends, do you? Oh, I have millions of them in terms of Pickle pals.
And I have my sister.
And the children I speak to over an internet-connected doll.
So no, I guess I don't.
You know, an important part of recovery is just having somebody to talk to.
How's your pain at the incision point? [GRUNTS.]
Ah a lot.
- Even with the oxycodone? - I haven't been taking those.
Are you experiencing side effects? I believe opiates are overprescribed and highly addictive.
They've robbed children of their parents and parents of their children.
I don't wanna be a part of that.
But, Jeff, you're gonna feel a lot of pain.
Isn't there some kind of alternative? Something non-addictive, organic, all-natural? I believe I can accommodate that.
Thank you.
I'm gonna prescribe you medical marijuana.
[MELLOW MUSIC.]
[SOFTLY.]
Oh, God.
[LISTEN-TO-ME PICKLES BLIPS.]
[JEFF.]
Hey, Peter? You wanna go to lunch sometime? [PIANO LOUNGE MUSIC PLAYING.]
[INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
So how long you in Seattle? - Till I go to New York.
- What's in New York? Your competition.
I'd write you a check right now if it meant we could stream the last 30 years of Puppet Time on our service.
It's the new stuff I'm uncomfortable putting Amazon's name on.
I will buy the archives.
I told your dad I would.
But I'm not putting you back on the air.
You're worried about Jeff having a filter.
Right now, he doesn't have a filter, and he's broadcasting every day through a network of talking dolls because what the fuck? [CHUCKLES SOFTLY.]
And who buys the dolls? The parents.
And what website are they buying them on? Ours.
- How many dolls have you sold? - I can't tell you that.
But you know the answer.
Here are the rules.
We shoot in Columbus.
Nobody tells Jeff there are things he can't say.
I didn't realize we were negotiating.
We keep total creative control.
- Let me think about it.
- I'm not done.
And every child in America needs to be able to watch the show for free.
When are you leaving for New York? Wouldn't you like to know? [PETER.]
So lunch, huh? I love lunch.
You wanna go out or stay in? [JEFF.]
I only have cereal.
[PETER.]
Yeah, that's fine.
What's it like having me inside you? The same, except for the odd moment I catch myself doing something I've never done before, like learning to walk again.
That was me joking.
- [EXHALES.]
- Sort of.
So you didn't have to learn how to walk again? No, I did.
Do you remember stealing my rocket ship? Ennui calling me a cocksucker? I don't think so.
Oh.
There was a second when I thought our souls were fusing.
No, my soul was crushed when you ran over it with your car.
Sorry.
[SIGHS.]
I should've known weed was a big deal for you after all those anti-drug PSAs that you did in the '90s, not to mention how upset you were over Will smoking up.
I I shouldn't have offered you that joint.
Thanks for saying that.
Can you help me find some weed? Hi.
Uh I'm a doctor, and a patient of mine [SOFTLY.]
who's a well-known public figure [NORMAL VOICE.]
is waiting outside.
Um [SOFTLY.]
It's important for his reputation that no one sees him [WHISPERING.]
buy marijuana, so could we, like, possibly clear the establishment? Sorry, Doctor.
State law provides these patients with the right to be here.
We could lose our license.
[MUMBLES.]
[SIGHS.]
Well, don't wanna break the law.
Who is it? [MELLOW MUSIC.]
[SIGHS.]
Am I gonna regret this? If it makes a difference, I've watched Puppet Time plenty of times while medicated.
Me too.
All right.
[WOMAN.]
I always learn something new about myself and about Pickle Barrel Falls.
- Like what? - Like how none of the puppets on the show are mothers, which is weird.
But then you realize the water is your mom because it's everywhere and it takes you anywhere that you wanna go.
But it also can't speak, so it's kinda like how the hardest part of parenting is sending your kid down the river of life and being both on the journey, but unable to steer the ship.
Also, Sy the Wide-Eyed Fly is death.
- Oh.
- [PETER.]
And Hopscotch the Sasquatch might have leprosy 'cause he's just down to the one leg, but, you know, what do I know? I'm just high and a doctor.
I definitely don't wanna smoke anything.
You don't have to smoke anything.
How's your recovery? Well, I've, uh, lost most of my liver.
I had to quit smoking cold turkey, stop drinking.
I have acute erectile dysfunction and I lost my job, but other than those five examples, I'm really good.
And you and Jill are the same? - We're a lot stronger now - Mm.
That I quit drinking, stopped smoking, spent more time at home since I've lost my job.
Her teaching me to walk upstairs again was a real relationship booster.
Well, between you, me, and Ennui Le Stoned, I too am having a little issue with ED.
Not uncommon after major surgery.
Obviously, it's different for you.
Your car has a garage to pull into.
I'm parked on the street at night and in the shower.
Here.
It's a tea so you don't have to smoke it.
And you dip it in water, so it'll remind you of your mom.
Will you sip drugs with me? I don't wanna be alone my first time.
Yeah, I'll sip drugs with you.
[BRIGHT MUSIC.]
This reminds me of the night I lost my virginity.
Was she a pot-sipper? No, but we did it in her grandmother's house and she had the same tea set.
Nothing like a post-coital digestive biscuit from Nana's treat jar.
I lost my virginity to an older woman.
Really? I guess that I assumed Jill was your one and only.
She was my second and most special.
Mm-hmm.
Who was your first? I don't think I should say.
She was an actress.
Oh.
Would I know her? She starred in a movie about the sound of music.
Did you lose your virginity to Julie Andrews? Mary Poppins? My sister calls her Cherry Poppins.
[WHISPERS.]
How old were you? I was 16 going on 17.
You're kidding.
Yes.
I was 28.
She was 59, but vivacious.
You're familiar with the 1995 Broadway season? I'm not.
No.
I got to go backstage during her run of Victor/Victoria.
Let's just say between me and her Tony nomination, one she famously declined, the other was me.
Which one was she dressed as? Victor or Victoria? A gentleman never tells.
[DOOR CLOSES.]
Mm.
What are you two doing? Drinking weed.
Cool.
Don't forget to take these.
They're so your liver doesn't fall out of your ass.
Enjoy whatever this is.
Hey.
Do you like my haircut? Later, Pancake.
[DOOR RATTLES, CLOSES.]
[WHISPERS.]
I like your haircut.
Why do you call her "Pancake"? 'Cause on our first date, we had pancakes.
I'm not feeling anything from this tea.
I don't think I'm high, but I have an idea.
We find the tallest building in the city.
We ride the elevator all the way to the top.
And if the elevator is fast enough, it should push the blood from our brains to our penises, solving our erectile disorders.
No, you're high.
[BEETHOVEN'S FUR ELISE.]
See you tomorrow at the mediation.
Don't sound so excited.
Well, I'm not excited.
I'll be excited when you close that Amazon deal and I get half of it.
I'll be excited about getting half the cash you squirreled away instead of giving it to charity.
But I'm not excited about the mediation itself.
That sounds boring.
Aren't you gonna ask why I'm in a tuxedo? I didn't notice.
[DOOR HINGES CREAK.]
[RAPID PIANO MUSIC.]
Tonight's honoree is one of the most selfless individuals I have met in my 42 years helping children.
Her generous donation of nearly $1 million Will go directly to a new program focused on Columbus' most at-risk youth.
Deirdre's Kids: No child left behind.
Ladies and gentlemen, Columbus' Philanthropist of the Year, Deirdre Piccirillo.
[APPLAUSE.]
- [APPLAUSE FADES.]
- I've devoted my life to giving a voice to the voiceless, a hand to the handless, hope [SIGHS.]
Why didn't you clap for me? [PIANO LOUNGE MUSIC PLAYING.]
Really? Nothing? I just won an award and a bunch of poor kids got Chromebooks.
Nothing? Nada? I thought you were just avoiding tax evasion.
I'm talking to him.
Is this because you were wrong about the listening doll? Is it because I'm getting the show back on the air and you couldn't? No.
I did not make too many demands.
I demanded our worth.
He didn't say anything.
[FORCED CHUCKLE.]
I'm aware.
Would you please say something? Anything? Please? They spelled your name wrong.
Where the fuck is Jeff? Your hand is glued to that trophy, isn't it? No! I feel like I'm supposed to be someplace.
- [ELEVATOR DINGS.]
- [PETER CHUCKLES.]
- Sorry, elevator's closed.
- For science.
- [EXHALES.]
- Okay, moment of truth.
I'm nervous.
[ELEVATOR WHIRRING.]
[EXHALES.]
[ELEVATOR STOPS, DINGS.]
- [DOORS OPEN.]
- [GASPS.]
Oh.
You're a genius.
No.
I failed.
[SIGHS.]
Fix me, Peter.
- [GRUNTS, SIGHS.]
- [ELEVATOR DINGS.]
[ELEVATOR WHIRS.]
It's the night of the Von Trapp's big party.
[WHISPERING.]
Fraulein Maria is out on the patio teaching Friedrich the Laendler.
Stop.
Don't do that.
Captain appears in the doorway, taps his son on the shoulder [SIGHS.]
Takes Maria's hand in his crisp, white glove.
- Peter, please.
- Together at last.
Their two bodies gliding in perfect synchronicity under the Austrian moonlight.
- It's not gonna work.
- So lost in each other's eyes, - they don't even notice - Notice The Baroness approach.
He never loved her.
Never.
The Captain's heart melts for Maria, but she made a vow to God, which is why she breaks away from him.
- Breathless.
- Yep.
- Blushing.
- Uh-huh.
- Beguiled.
- Amen.
[ELEVATOR DINGS.]
[PLEASANT MUSIC.]
[HUMMING CHEERFULLY.]
Thanks for spending time with me.
I hadn't been getting out much.
No, thanks for the liver.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
Um now I should go see Jill.
Oh.
I understand.
I should go buy some ping pong balls and a jar of mayonnaise.
Ping pong balls go in a sock.
Mayonnaise in my hand.
- To masturbate.
- Yeah.
Well, good luck with Pancake.
Thank you.
[LAUGHS.]
Um She really wants you to sign those divorce papers.
[SOFTLY.]
Oh, right.
[MELANCHOLY MUSIC.]
[FAUCET RUNNING.]
Why do you sound like me? [CRICKETS CHIRPING.]
I learned English from watching your show.
It was the only voice I heard, so it's the only voice I have.
Jeff? You still there? [INHALES DEEPLY.]
I have to say good-bye to my best friend today, but I don't think I can sign the papers.
If I sign them, I won't have any friends left.
[JOSIP.]
I'm sorry, Jeff.
If you're calling your puppet erotica voice double for relationship advice, I believe you.
So what should I do? You have to move on.
Sign the papers.
Ugh.
I don't wanna do it alone.
I want her to be there with me.
What's her number? It's okay.
You can trust me.
Six-one-four, one-two-four, four-three-two-four.
[PHONE DIALING.]
[LINE RINGING.]
[JILL.]
Hi, it's Jill.
Sorry I missed your call.
- But please leave a message.
- [BEEP.]
[JOSIP.]
Hi, Jill.
It's me, Jeff.
I'm gonna sign the papers, but on one condition.
I would like you to be with me when I do it.
Thanks for understanding.
Good-bye.
How was that? I couldn't have said it better myself.
[LAUGHS SOFTLY.]
Friends come and go.
Sometimes, we even have to say good-bye to our best friends.
In the end, it's important to remember that our real best friend is always there, staring at us in the mirror.
[SQUEEGEE SQUEALS.]
[MELLOW MUSIC BOX MUSIC.]
[DOOR OPENS.]
What? [DEIRDRE.]
They accepted every term.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
Oh, you had where's the hair? - I know.
- [INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
I thought it was against the rules.
My client would like to submit the substantial proceeds from Ms.
Piccirillo's recent business deal with Amazon.
com to the sum of their shared communal assets.
Actually, my client informs me that that deal won't close until well after we've finished our mediation.
- What? - [DEIRDRE.]
Sorry.
Delay in paperwork.
- Well, good move on your part.
- Thank you.
My client also asserts his entitlement to over $1 million in funds meant for charity that Ms.
Piccirillo has hidden in various accounts over a period of 12 years.
I'm so sorry.
Those funds have already been allocated to our city's at-risk youth.
But I guess I could always ask that they be returned.
Let the record show that my client has recently received an award for her efforts.
They spelt your name wrong.
- Shrug.
- Let's move on.
- Please.
- Please.
[LAWYER.]
When all is said and done, we've determined that the combined value of their cash, holdings, and intellectual property comes to a total of $207.
4 million.
Ah.
That, what? What did you just say? Much of that value comes from your intellectual property.
These are your designs, aren't they? Where'd you The state considers these creatures a communal asset.
Ergo, Scott, a recently-single, openly-gay man is entitled to half.
Did you just say openly gay? Wait, I I own all the puppets? [LAWYER.]
You created them.
The copyrights are in your name.
Your father never told you? [SCOTT.]
Who knew so many major brands were clamoring for spokes-puppets? I've been fielding calls all week.
Fast food.
Pharmaceuticals.
You can't have them.
You're the one who agreed to split everything 50/50.
We did.
I'm sorry.
Let's begin, eh? [SOFT ROUSING MUSIC.]
[LAWYER.]
My client Scott Perera will now take sole custody of the following puppets.
Ennui Le Triste.
$26.
1 million.
Snagglehorse.
$18.
2 million.
Thump-Thump.
$9.
4 million.
The Oops.
$12.
4 million.
Oops.
Astronotter.
$21.
4 million.
I just want what's fair.
[LAWYER.]
Oh, sorry.
I forgot one.
Some were there in the beginning Some don't show up till the end But it's the ones who never leave you They're the ones that you can always call A friend