Laid (2011) s02e04 Episode Script

1 I love you.
I love you too.
You still haven't told Roo about Jan.
I saw her boyfriend's mother being compromised.
My marital status is still ambiguous.
The only way to do it is just to press on, without Marcus's permission.
You can drug him and have sex with him when he's passed out.
How am I supposed to get him up? I'm sorry? He seems to be resisting.
If you think I'm giving up the only chance I'll ever have of getting some, you're out of your fucking mind.
I wouldn't be going through all of this if I wasn't desperate! OK, this is Swami Singhali He drinks a mug of his own urine each morning, first thing, and claims he can imbue good health through copulation.
I love that word.
'Imbue'? 'Copulation'.
Well, that and 'slinky'.
This is Doctor Bliss.
I don't know if that's her real name.
You think? I don't think she's at medical school.
I think she's a PhD one.
Anyway, she is a sexual surrogate.
I see.
Yeah.
You go and see her instead of a doctor.
That's the surrogacy bit.
When am I meant to understand what you're on about? Are you not getting the gist? You figured out how to use a PowerPoint software.
Yes.
Without a grown-up.
Don't obsess about my PowerPoint skills.
It's that or engage in your weird game of Porno Guess Who.
It's not Porno Guess Who! Can we play Porno Guess Who? No! I've taken a leaf out of your book.
I've been doing some research.
These people are all options.
Options for what? Healing options.
Healing options that are not Marcus.
Yes! He is dead to me.
Great! Yep.
I mean, how long can I keep pushing things? I tried to molest him, tried to steal his sperm.
Not proud of that.
I get the message, it's over.
You're breaking up with Marcus? It's not like we were going out.
No, this is great.
This is good.
This is about time.
Yeah.
Well, just think of it as a process.
Probably have shiny hair.
So just get my back.
I've always got your back.
I know.
- What do you mean cancel? - Just do it.
The 3 o'clock? The 4 and the 4:30.
Go on, cancel them all.
What? Why? I'm sick.
You? Yes.
What's wrong? Is it a cold? I hear there's a nasty flu going around.
There's a bronchial thing apparently I don't know! I haven't had a cold since 2004.
It's weird, isn't it? Maybe Maybe I've been Jesus all along and I just haven't known it.
Am I, aren't I, was I? Too many questions.
So many questions.
Who cares if you're Jesus? I do.
EJ will dump me otherwise.
Some women have high standards.
What's the most awesome thing you've ever done to impress a woman? Cured her blindness.
See? That's what I'm talking about.
They're not content with a dink and a lamington these days.
Oh, no.
They want miracles.
You paint beautifully.
So, the new medication's working then.
It's helping with the stomach pain.
Good.
Great.
Dr Hugo said there might be some digestive side effects.
Oh.
Well, I know a great naturopath who you could Thanks, but no thanks.
At least hear me out.
Your track record with healers doesn't exactly fill me with confidence.
I'll leave it to the experts.
That's not very fair.
Neither was taking me to that Marcus guy so he could have sex with me.
He might have saved you.
Why are you sticking up for him? I'm not.
Have you seen him again? No! Not professionally.
What? Socially? No.
Roo.
I I just ran into him a couple of times.
But I want nothing to do with him.
From now on we are over.
We? Not that there was ever a 'we', with him.
You and me, we're 'we', aren't we? Promise me something? Anything.
You'll never see him again.
Done.
And never lie to me again.
See, this is why I don't open doors.
Is Roo home? Oh, my God.
What is this? Come Dine With Me? Shouldn't you be off somewhere screwing someone's mum? I need to I'll save you the embarrassment of making a pitch.
Roo doesn't want to see you, ever again.
And I wish I'd never seen you.
You could have you could have warned me, you know.
You let me you let me watch that.
You knew what it was going to be like.
It was like It was like a naked ferret, you know, trapped in a pipe.
I shouldn't have seen it.
We've moved on, OK? No more semen stealing, no more contact.
Just stay out of our lives and we'll stay out of yours.
Are you finished? Yeah.
Good, 'cause I There you are.
I had a missed call from you.
Is everything OK? Everything's great.
What are you doing? I've got a surprise for you.
Is it a pony? Oddly, no.
We're going on a couple's retreat.
Hurray! Sorry? But shouldn't we be a couple to go on a Why do you say things like that? I want to love you and you push me away.
It's a centre for sexual healing.
I saw an ad down at the co-op.
They don't have a website, but I'm sure they know what they're doing, and I figured if there's anyone who requires some healing in the sex area, it's old Rooty.
Hurray.
You said you wanted to explore other options.
Yes, yes, I did.
So, great.
Who knows? You might come back with a totally cured sex area.
Thank you.
Will to live.
Bit of a smile.
Healthy boyfriend.
Excellent outcomes.
Good.
Yes.
Yes! Great, 'cause I've already packed the car.
Just hop in.
I've got to go and get the Travel Scrabble and then we'll head off.
Why can't I come? It's a couple's retreat, Zach.
I don't think they're open to three-ways.
One, a sexual healing centre sounds like a lot of fun, and I do really well in group participation exercises.
Like remember that time Yes, I remember.
When you were pulled from Carols by Candlelight, and you sang The Little Drummer Boy With Kamahl.
And two, technically, aren't we supposed to be a couple? This isn't about us, is it? It's about Roo.
It's always about Roo these days.
What about Zach and EJ? What about our little unit? What about our little unit, Zach? When was the last time we even felt like one? You've been off playing Jesus while I've been trying to get on with things! I'm not playing.
My gifts are for you Zach, there are no gifts.
You were brain dead for two minutes, and frankly, the side effects are starting to become an issue.
I beg your pardon? You woke me up the other night to tell me that it was amazing that numbers can be words too.
Tell me that's not unbelievable.
You haven't said a thing about the wedding since you choked on that stupid fish! This whole thing's a farce! I'm sick of it! I can't I don't have room The wedding's off.
We're off.
Have a nice life.
And take the terrarium this time.
What wedding? We're open minded, non-judgemental, and we promote wellness of the heart, the mind, and the sex organs.
I think we'll put you in the west wing.
Now, if you'll follow us through the sexual healing epicentre.
Which one's Jack and which one's Hilary? Maybe it's short for something.
This is the chamber where we do most of our healing.
If you'll just look past the box vault Sorry, can I just ask, why do you have parallel bars, and medicine balls in a at a sexual healing workshop? We did have a balance beam, but the termites mated in them.
It's all about balance.
Gets you thinking, doesn't it? Yep.
Gets you thinking.
Balance.
It's official.
I'm a single man again.
Oh.
Does this mean the wedding's off? What wedding? Why does everyone keep going on about a wedding? It's probably for the best.
We were moving in different directions.
She's obsessed with Roo.
I thought she'd be a bit more impressed with me being the second coming of Christ.
It's probably a good thing we're on a break.
Ah! Shall we go somewhere? What do you mean? You know, like a little outing.
Might be good for you to get out in the air.
Hospitals are so depressing.
I don't know if I should.
Yeah, you should.
Look at you.
You you look fine.
You look good, actually.
Yeah, but Consider it a mental health day.
I'll grab some pills and an EpiPen put 'em in my bum bag.
What we really want to do is invite people into the honesty pit.
It's a place to explain who you are and why you've come to us.
There's no judgement, no right or wrong.
For instance, I like rope.
So, who wants to start? Hi, I'm Ben, and I can't orgasm, unless I'm just squeezing a lettuce.
I cry when I masturbate.
Long-held habit.
In my family, we call it cranking.
It's just beneath the testicles.
A spot.
My wife gets really upset, and everything just softens.
- Hi, I'm Roo McVie.
- Hi, Roo.
Hi.
And I I keep killing people I have sex with.
Well, they did say to be honest.
Personally, I'm more shocked at the cranker.
Thank you.
Sorry.
I don't know.
I'm not sure I should stay out too long.
The doctors might freak out.
And Roo would worry.
It's a bit intense.
Yeah, Roo is pretty intense.
Great.
Really great.
But mainly intense.
She's like Laurie Oakes, you know.
Smart, dependable, teddy-bear good looks.
But persistent, like an ant.
I guess.
This is nice, isn't it, hmm? This is healing, for both of us.
Who cares what the girls are doing? This is our time.
Sure.
Watch this.
£ Retro Music They have to do it.
Are you going to say something? You're not afraid of silence are you, Graham? Oh, how dare you? Are Roo and EJ staying somewhere overnight? I don't think that's any of your business.
I'd like to see her.
I don't even know you.
I'm sure you've been adequately filled in.
Yes, but I've never met you before.
Perhaps you're not as in touch with your daughter's life as you think.
Oh, you're crossing a line there, Eddie Munster.
You're beyond name calling, Graham.
At least you seem like you should be.
What do you want with my daughter? I want to impregnate her with my demon spawn, and take her away to live with me on the Island of Doctor Moreau.
What? What difference does it make what I want with her? What do you mean 'my want', anyway? Are you suggesting some sort of barter system? No! Twelve chickens in exchange for your daughter.
Chickens? Alright, eleven.
You're you're talking nonsense! I don't much care for her hair.
She should use an anti-frizz serum.
Just wish I'd never heard of any stupid curse.
So, you and Roo are breaking up? No! Maybe.
I mean, what's the point? The trust is broken.
I know she's seen that Marcus guy again.
I can't even tell when she's telling the truth anymore.
I may as well be dead.
It'd probably make things easier for her.
And Zach.
What? Well, then you'd be the only one.
The sole survivor.
No, no, no-one wants that.
No-one wants that, do they? Or do they? You're not dead.
You're a survivor.
I'm on the way out though, aren't I? I'm stuffed.
All I know is, I'm not making her happy.
If Roo's going to lie to me, shut me out.
Maybe I should just let her be.
Just Disappear.
Should we get a banana split? Now you listen here, you.
I know exactly who you are and what it is you do with your bits.
I want no part of it for my daughter.
It's not really your call.
She's a grown woman.
She's still my little girl.
Not in bra size, she's not.
My guess is she was an early bloomer, by the look of those chesticles.
Are you always so crude? I'm a straight talker, Graham.
I call it as I see it.
I thought someone in your position would appreciate that.
Marriage crumbling due to too many half-spoken truths.
Bunking down on the couch of your grown daughter, trying to hold onto a connection that perhaps doesn't exist anymore.
Sometimes straight-talking is all men like you and I have left.
It worked Alright, couples.
Let me see you drop and give me 20 yoni push-ups.
Let's go! Yoni? I thought a yoni was a mythical creature.
No, that's a yowie.
And up.
And down, and up and down, and up and down.
You! That's good.
Yes, you! Give me 12 labial lunges.
I beg I beg your pardon? Hup one! Hup two! Don't make me come over there, pervert.
Now that's a bit judgemental.
Oh, move it or lose it! Lose what, my vagina? At least we'll leave here with really strong pelvic floor muscles.
And nightmares.
And the desire to never have sex again.
Not with you.
Nice.
Lunge! You're not lunging far enough! Lunge! What? So this is her netball trophy from year seven.
Oh, you're gonna love this.
You're gonna love this.
This is her favourite nightie.
She looks so cute when she wears it.
Like Little Orphan Annie, but a lady.
Listen, will she be home soon? It's not the sort of place you'd bring up kids.
Too drafty.
Do you feel the cold, Marcus? No.
But it's a lovely house though, for a rental.
Lovely hot-water system.
Fascinating.
Roo has such eclectic tastes in furnishings.
And blokes too, sometimes.
Don't tell her I told you that.
You know, Marcus, to start with you come over as a bit of a character, but you grow on a bloke.
Bet you get that all the time.
Do ya? I bet you get that all the time.
I'm an acquired taste.
Oh, I bet you are.
I bet you are.
Would you like a mango lassi? That's good, Roo.
Very good.
Now EJ, why don't you tell Roo something you've never told her before.
OK.
Um let me think.
Um at Uni, when Michael McCarthy with the calligraphy said he wanted to marry you but then changed his mind, it was because I told him you were a furry, and your ultimate sexual fantasy involved Sonic the Hedgehog and Azrael from the Smurfs.
What? No judgement, Roo.
Just open ears.
He was a jerk and you were being nice to him.
If you'd kept going out with him, he'd be dead now.
Don't you think I could have handled that myself? Not really.
I always wondered why he gave me a Garfield when he dumped me.
See, I did you a favour.
Helping.
Excellent.
Building a bridge of healing.
How would you feel if I sabotaged your wedding? Too late.
Mine's off.
What? Wedding.
Relationship.
Everything, really.
- He took the terrarium.
- What's a terrarium? He took the terrarium? When did this happen? Just after Marcus came over.
I felt that Zach and I Marcus came to our house? What does it matter? I thought he was dead to you.
What'd he want? What'd he say? Why do you care? The guy's a cocktard.
I told him not to come back.
I'm sure he got the message.
You what? I'm fine about my cancelled wedding, by the way.
You did that? You said that's what you wanted.
I didn't know he'd come to our house! That's great.
Let us let the ovaries of truth set us free.
Harder.
Harder.
Bit more.
Give me more.
More, more, more.
More.
Come on, harder.
Hit with the left.
Harder.
Harder.
Harder.
No, give me more.
Give me more! Harder! Way to punch a vagina.
Hoo.
This is Roo.
I'm obviously trying to find my phone at the bottom of my bag at the moment, so leave a message.
Roo, it's me.
I just I just wanted to say that Well, I guess I wanted to say that I'm sorry things have been shit between us.
Even though you've seemed really unhappy lately, you know, I'm still really glad we met.
OK, bye.
You said you were over him.
I am.
I am over him.
You haven't looked at me since I told you I got rid of him.
I just like being across visitors who comes to our house.
That's all.
Charlie's dying.
That's why I want to see him.
Roo, I'm not the enemy.
I never said you were.
If you want to see that idiot, then it's your funeral.
Really? Great.
I didn't mean Since when is 'it's your funeral' great? You want to go right now? There's Reproductive Soul Food in the morning.
It's not as though I don't appreciate that Marion and I are different people.
I'm a lover, she's a fighter.
I'm a rock, she's an island.
But as you said, perhaps straight-talking is what's needed to break down the walls that have grown up between us, to break them down with a battering ram, made of words.
What time did you say Little Orphan Annie and friend would be home? Oh, they're not coming back tonight.
EJ's taken them off on a little trip to a healing centre.
Where are you going? What's the rush? I I've got Chocolate Wheatens! How was the retreat? Don't ask.
You know, they only gave us half a show bag because we only half graduated.
It's a pity.
These little gummy vulvas are good.
Mango lassi.
Don't tell me you've been entertaining.
Might've been.
The ladies? The opposite.
What, sluts? No, no, men.
A man.
A very special man.
Oh? I know what you're going to say, but he has some very, very interesting ideas on intercourse which I can't say I've I've considered before, and I'm very open-minded, as well you know.
Marcus was here again? You can sometimes get the wrong idea from first impressions.
Just because someone looks like they've dragged themselves up out of a bin full of sputum doesn't mean that they don't have genuine charm and life skills.
Shit.
You have three new messages.
Charlie, thank God you're OK! What happened? What were you thinking? I don't know.
I wasn't I just wanted to make things right.
By jumping off a bridge? My belt got caught on a bit of wire.
A fireman had to get me down.
I was hanging there for ages.
Why did you do it? I just wanted to stop all this craziness.
Stay with me.
That's how we end the craziness.
Alright? You really should change your mind about Marcus.
Why? Marcus is a nut job who's trying to take us all for a ride, and I want more for Roo than that.
I want her to focus on the one guy who's important to her, who's good to her.
Her daddy? Charlie.
Well, what if you're wrong about Marcus? I'm not.
I know what I saw.
You think I want to go on retreats and punch vaginas? Well, I don't know No, I want to sit in the bath and eat Barbecue Shapes.
But if it means giving Roo some semblance of hope, I'll do it.
That's how much I'm against the idea.
But it's worth a shot, isn't it? Are you serious? Well, I could probably put in a good word, get him thinking about changing his mind.
We had a real connection, a kind of father-figure thing going on.
What? Graham, not you too.
Roo? Sorry to wake you.
There's been a phone call.
It's bad news I'm afraid.
Roo? Roo?