Las Vegas s02e04 Episode Script
Catch of the Day
Hit me! Big ten! Double down! Little one.
Yes! $50,000 a hand on two tables for the last 12 hours.
You gotta love Big Willie.
How are the plans going for his daughter's wedding? Great.
The east ballroom, decked out with Show me some good love! Sam's wrangled up 1,000 live Maine lobsters, arriving within the hour.
Lobster! Okay.
The man loves his shellfish.
I've booked Michael Bublé to sing at the reception.
Who? Trust me, he's great.
Big Willie's daughter is a huge fan.
She's going to have one hell of a wedding.
Yeah, nothing but the best for Sam's number one client.
Blackjack! No change the dealer.
Mary, hi.
Hi.
We were just wondering about the soap in our rooms.
Yes.
Certified organic.
No tallow or animal testing.
I promise you, your convention will not only be enjoyable, it'll be cruelty-free.
Michael, hi.
Thanks.
Hi.
Hi.
I'm Mary Connell.
I am so happy that you're able to make it.
I didn't have much of a choice.
I was all set to play London and the next thing I know my agent and manager arrive on a Montecito jet and drag me down here.
So, you're not upset? No, I just haven't played a private party in years.
I was thinking maybe I could try something new for Big Willie and his daughter.
You know, keep things fresh.
Fresh is good.
Good.
I got some ideas.
I'll run them by you later? That sounds great.
Okay.
Bye.
I'm sorry, I'm not in the business of looking after out-of-town guests.
That's Sam's job.
You don't have to entertain him, just keep him company for a few hours.
I'm buried at work.
Believe me, you won't regret it.
Still trying to pawn off your ninth grade boyfriend? He wasn't just my boyfriend.
When I met Jay, we had just moved for the third time in a year.
My 14th school in all.
No one would talk to me.
God, girls can be so mean.
I just needed someone to talk to.
I needed a friend.
And that's when I met Jay.
He was always there for me, no matter what.
Didn't you break his nose? Only after he tried to kiss me.
That doesn't sound like you at all.
I used to be a tomboy.
That's quite a change.
Promise me both of you, you'll be nice.
Dee? Please.
I promise I'll be nice.
Me, too.
Mike? Hey.
What's new? Three drunks, two card counters and a guy who insisted he was Elvis demanded a free room.
Really? I mean, was it him? Was it the King? More like the queen, he was wearing a dress.
Surveillance.
What? When? Thanks.
Someone just stole a lobster delivery truck.
Where's Danny? Yeah? Yeah, I'm way ahead of you on this one, Ed.
Nothing to worry.
I'll get back to you.
So, why Vegas? The last items on my to-do list.
To-do list? I have four more to go.
Witness a desert sunrise, sing over the canals of Venice and skydive over Sin City.
That's only three.
You always save the best for last.
Make love to the first girl I ever kissed.
That's so sweet.
Delinda, you were the first girl I ever kissed.
That last one might take you some time.
I hope not.
I only have a month to live.
I'm dying of cancer.
So, you guys let us know if you find anything, okay? Traffic control followed the truck over the 15 but by the time Metro had any cars in the area, it was long gone.
I need you to find the son of a bitch who stole the truck, all right? Ed, with all due respect, they stole lobsters.
Yeah, lobsters for Big Willie Chen.
On his last visit, he dropped $10 million.
Stay! Double down! Inoperable and untreatable.
Doctors gave me six months to live five months ago.
What kind of cancer? I don't want to talk about it.
It just bums me out.
If you were really sick, wouldn't you be in a hospital? If there's nothing they can do for you, lying around in a cancer ward is depressing, not to mention a total waste of time.
Yeah, and trying to sleep with me isn't? Not if there's a chance you'll say yes.
You forget I've known you since the ninth grade and still remember all those pranks you used to pull.
Pranks? Me? Like at graduation, you had all the diplomas printed in invisible ink.
Saying you have cancer just to get me into bed would be right up your alley.
Except this time it's not funny.
That's because it's not a joke.
This is all we have.
It looks like a foot.
I was thinking foot, too.
Well, then I guess our work is done here today, boys.
We were robbed by a foot.
I can't believe you lost my lobsters.
Nobody lost your lobsters.
They were stolen.
Ed, Big Willie invited his closest, dearest Okay, richest friends to his daughter's wedding.
I planned on harpooning a few stray whales before they migrated out of town.
I need my lobsters.
Well, then, Captain Ahab, I suggest you hunt some more down.
Yes, sir.
Hit me again! Yes! Hit! Desert sunrise, sing in front of thousands, or skydive over the city? I'm definitely not jumping out of a plane.
So then it's decided.
We're skydiving.
I don't think you heard me.
I said no.
Okay.
Then sleep with me.
I'm not doing that either.
Nessa, some of the best memories I have are because I did things that I swore I never would do.
Like running with the bulls in Pamplona.
Let's stick with skydiving.
Okay.
Okay.
What if my chute doesn't open and I crater at 200 miles an hour? That's not going to be fun.
Come on.
Don't be silly.
That could never happen.
Really? And you wouldn't crater, you'd bounce.
Bounce? So, you want to fool around before or after we skydive? I don't want to sound like a star-struck teenager or anything but, God, I just love hearing you sing.
You are like Frank Sinatra and Bobby Darin all rolled into one.
Mime.
Yeah, I don't know him.
Does he sing, too? No, I want to do mime.
You're kidding.
Mime has always been my first love.
But Big Willie hired you to sing.
No, Big Willie hired me to perform.
It says so in the contract.
What I do is up to me.
Come on, you can't give up singing now.
Your career is just taking off.
Just watch.
I call this one "Bublé in the Bubble.
" Okay, then, Michael? Michael.
Mary, you don't have to yell.
Mimes can hear, they just can't talk.
Yeah.
So, let me get this straight.
You want 1,000 of my lobster? Yes.
You stole my boyfriend.
Yeah, but he had a little At our engagement party.
He didn't tell me who he was.
Sweetie, that guy was a jerk.
So if you think about it, I actually saved you years of pain and suffering.
I mean, I think that you and I could possibly be best girlfriends.
Why would you even come to me? Because of your incredible reputation.
Everybody knows about you: Wendy, freshest seafood in Vegas.
And everyone in town already said no.
What are you talking about? You're my first choice.
What's it worth to you? How much do you charge for a lobster dinner? $85.
I'll take 1,000 lobster dinners to go.
I'll even round it out to a cool $100,000.
Cash or check? Make it $200,000 and you got a deal.
What's with the additional $100,000? Pain and suffering.
Deal.
Let me see one of those bad boys.
Wait.
Where are his Claws? Yeah.
They're Pacific lobster.
No claws.
Enjoy the pain and suffering.
Okay, sure.
Hey.
Hey.
I need a favor.
Favor? That's great.
Last time you asked me for a favor, it cost me $1,900 in parking tickets.
You didn't want the police to boot my beemer, did you? Your beemer.
No, sweetheart, of course I didn't.
Did you get some more tickets? Yes, but we'll deal with that later.
I need you to pull someone's medical records.
That's against the law.
Only technically.
No, there's also a privacy issue.
Details.
I need Jay Ross' medical files.
The pimply-faced boyfriend you had in the ninth grade? That Jay Ross? He lost the pimples.
Yeah.
What's the matter with the kid? Cancer.
So he says.
Jeez, honey, I'm sorry to hear that.
Yeah, I was sorry, too, until I realized he was probably lying.
Why would somebody lie about something like that? If I told you, you'd kill him quicker than his cancer ever could.
Delinda said you're the cheery one.
That was before my musical act decided to become a mime.
Mimes are funny.
Sort of.
My life is over.
Yeah, there's a lot of that going on.
You know what you need? A gun, to shoot myself? You need to karaoke.
No, I don't need to sing.
I need my musical act to sing.
No, you need to karaoke with me.
Come on, I'm only asking because I'm dying of cancer.
Yeah, nice try, Jay.
But Delinda told me you'd say that.
That's because Delinda didn't believe me.
It's true? Cross my heart, hope to die.
Double down! So, Big Willie, how's everything? Up $700,000.
Nice.
Sam, I do not like to be bothered when I'm playing, especially when I'm winning.
Of course not.
I just wanted to let you know that your daughter's wedding is set.
The decorations, the flowers, the pyrotechnics are amazing.
Is Bublé here? He's here! I want Bublé! Yeah! So you got him! However, I am concerned a little about your choice in food.
Lobster is fine, sir, but I may have something that could make your evening even more special.
I just got the word that I can get my hands on 800 pounds of Kobe beef.
Kobe beef? The $300-a-pound, Japanese-raised Kobe beef.
The kind that's massaged daily by hand, perfectly marbled served with just a touch of soy.
Sir.
I have to think about it.
Okay, well, you think about it.
No pressure.
I'll be waiting over here.
Hey.
Think he's gonna go for it? 2-to-1 against.
I want lobster! Okay.
I want the jet.
Hit me! Yeah! I'm gonna let you in on a little secret.
Just when you think you got everything under control something will come along and throw your plans for a loop.
Don't I know it.
Hey.
I'm so sorry.
I've got no right to complain, you know, considering everything.
You know, everyone told me that once you know you're dying you'll stop sweating the small stuff.
But they're wrong.
No, it's the small stuff that makes life worth living.
So you're saying I should enjoy my failure? No.
But you shouldn't let it stop you from singing.
You're kidding.
Karaoke in Vegas with Venice as a backdrop.
It's pretty cool, huh? How many people get to say they did this? I think we'd be the first.
How did you do all this? I gave them a note from my doctor.
Jay, I don't sing.
Karaoke is not about how good you are, it's about how much fun you have.
No, you don't understand, I can't sing in front of all these people.
It's easy.
Just pretend we're 5,000 miles away, staring at the piazza.
The one without the 5,000-room hotel.
Okay, not a problem.
How is this going to help? You're never gonna see these people again.
Do you take requests? Of course.
Make love to me.
I'm sorry, but I'm wearing this.
It's not a problem, as long as you're not wearing anything else.
Yup.
That's right, 1,000 Maine lobster.
I'll be there within the hour.
Craig, you just told me an hour ago that you had the lobster.
I know, I'm sorry, Sam.
My shipment didn't come in, on account of Hurricane Ruth.
It kicked up a wicked swell as far north as Halifax.
None of the lobstermen will leave dock.
I don't think you understand the desperate nature of my situation.
I understand the situation.
I just don't have any lobster.
We're old friends, right? If you knew where to get the lobster, you'd tell me.
Sam.
Yes.
You dumped me.
I was ready to propose.
No, I didn't think you were serious.
I showed you the ring.
I'll marry you if you give me 1,000 lobsters.
Very funny.
No, I'm serious.
I'm madly in love with you.
I can't live without you, let's spend the rest of our lives together.
This is a proposal? Abso-frigging-lutely.
As long as I get you the lobster? Yes.
Sam.
Yes.
Even if I thought you were serious, I don't have any lobster.
All right.
No one does.
You blew it again.
How about dinner and a movie for 500 pounds of Pacific salmon? Figures.
If you want to go skydiving, why don't you ask Danny? He's a Marine.
They do that Superman stuff in their sleep, right? Tell Nessa skydiving is not that dangerous.
It's not.
Unless someone's shooting at you.
There you go.
It's not the jumping I'm afraid of.
It's the landing.
That's not a real healthy way to live.
It is if you want to live a long time.
I pride myself on almost rarely, if ever, trying to kill myself.
You like to go swimming in the ocean? Yeah.
Did you know that the ocean is home to the great white shark one of the most violent, bloodthirsty predators on the planet.
And if you get bit by one, besides the mind-blowing pain your blood actually chums the water which leads to a feeding frenzy with a whole bunch of other sharks.
Yeah, it's a long Slow Painful, painful death.
That's great.
I'm never going in the ocean again.
Anything else? No! All right.
What's your point? My point is life is all about risk.
We could die at any moment.
If it's your time to go, you might as well go quick.
And if you eat it skydiving, you won't feel a thing.
Mary? Yeah? Mary, hi.
Excuse me.
Hi.
I hate to bother you and I don't mean to seem ungrateful but we have these passes, to the buffet Yes, our cooking staff has marked all vegan dishes with gold stars and two soy entrées have been prepared by Gunther, just for you.
It's amazing.
Larry, don't you worry about a thing.
The next couple of days, I will take care of everything.
We gotta make this quick, Luis wants us out in 20 minutes.
Not that I'm being picky, but isn't this considered tampering with evidence? CSI didn't find anything, so how can it hurt? I just don't want a felony seafood conviction on my record.
Come on.
Why do we got close it? You gotta keep this thing a secret.
I promised Ed we wouldn't show anybody.
A Radiant Spectrometer! I just read an article about this in Theoretical Science.
Yes.
By lacing radioactive isotopes into a laser matrix it can retrieve material residue from surface strata for up to three days after contact even if cleaned by phosphate-based cleaners.
So, we can dust for prints that aren't there? Right.
Why don't you just say that? The only downside is if you're exposed to the radiation your nads will glow green for two months.
Check this out.
Now, I agree with you that mime is poised to come back in a big way.
I'm just not sure that you're the guy to bring it back.
Mary, lighten up.
Yeah, but it's a wedding reception.
And people, they want to hear you sing.
My voice is my instrument.
Exactly.
Maybe I should show how versatile my instrument is.
Now you're talking.
You think I'm funny, right? For a musician, you're pretty funny.
Good.
Then that's what I'll do.
Stand-up.
Just stand-up.
Stand-up.
Big Willie wants to hear you sing.
I want to hear you sing.
Then buy one of my CDs.
Okay, the lights dim, I take the stage.
How many of you hate to fly? I know I do.
Mr.
Nelson? Yeah.
James L.
Nelson, at your service.
You must be Samantha Jane Marquez.
Yes, I am.
Talking to you on the phone, I thought you'd be bigger.
Sort of burly, you know? More facial hair.
Right.
I need some lobster.
Yeah.
I know what you need.
The only problem is I can't deliver on account of Hurricane Ruth And the wicked swell.
Yeah, I heard.
Listen, money's no object.
Okay.
For $1 million me and my buddies will go on out there.
We'll pick you up some lobster.
So $1,000 a lobster? And worth every penny.
Money's now an object.
That's too bad.
It was nice meeting you, Ms.
Marquez.
Mr.
Nelson? What if I were to give you something? Something that money can't buy.
Something very valuable.
Yeah! Pisser! I'm busy, and you're still full of crap.
Look, I'm sorry you don't believe me, but I see a white light.
Jackass! Come on! How's it going? Pretty good.
Can't complain.
Thanks.
I gotta ask you, does that whole "I'm dying of cancer" line really work? Like a charm.
You okay? Absolutely wonderful.
Michael Bublé now wants to be a stand-up comic.
And? And he's horrible.
And you're happy because I have nothing to feed my wedding guests and my musical act is no longer musical but I'm not sweating the small stuff.
You were with Jay, weren't you? Yeah.
How'd you know? Daddy, I need you to kick Jay out of the hotel.
Right.
Why don't you sit down for a second? I don't want to sit down.
Look, I just got a copy of Jay's medical records from his doctor so sit down for one second.
Daddy, I don't want to sit down.
Stop with the "daddy" stuff and sit down.
I'm sorry.
But Jay is telling the truth.
Sure he is.
Remember when he reassembled the principal's car on top of the gym? Are you sure you talked to his doctor? I mean Jay's dying, honey.
Man, you look beat.
Thank you.
I've just crossed the country twice, and in 12 hours I'm throwing a wedding.
So, I figure I have about three hours to eat, sleep, and shower before I have to be back to work.
I know what you need.
What's that? You need to get laid.
You must be Delinda's friend.
Yes.
Here's the thing, Jocko.
Jay.
Whatever.
"Getting laid" can only lead to "will you marry me?" Then I'm going to have to dump you Actually, I'm dying of cancer.
Which means no long-term commitment, no emotional aftermath and no one's ever going to know because "Dead men tell no tales.
" So, you're the perfect one-night stand.
Exactly.
Almost done.
Nothing.
I'll run it again, but I compared our footprint with every major shoe manufacturer in the world.
Not a single match.
Either this guy's a real pro Or the luckiest son of a bitch in history.
You were right.
That was exactly what I needed.
Is there any chance we could cuddle? Don't ruin the moment.
I don't know about you, but my brain is fried.
Yeah.
After two days in the surveillance room, it's nice to be outside.
Getting in touch with the real world.
Nothing more real than a chlorinated ocean with a concrete bottom.
No natural predators.
Completely safe.
No natural predators, completely safe.
I've been talking to some doctors at UNLV about experimental treatments gene therapy.
They want to set up an appointment for tomorrow afternoon for some additional tests.
Don't you think Jay's been through all this? Jay will be fine.
I'll make sure of it.
Maybe I should call his doctor in Houston again? You know, there were lots of times when we just didn't think we'd ever make it home.
And no matter what we did, we were not going to make it.
This is different.
No.
No, it's not.
Not really, because when you reach that point you know, you can fight you can cry, you can pray.
But ultimately, you have to accept what happens.
Yeah, but he's not fighting.
He's on vacation.
We all fight in different ways, you know? So you're telling me just to give up? No, I didn't say that.
I didn't say that at all.
I'm saying you say your goodbyes, and you make your peace.
How about you? Did you ever have to make your peace? I just, you know I didn't have to.
I had something a lot stronger.
I had this little girl back home who needed me.
Just made me feel like I was bulletproof.
I love you.
You want to sit with me for a little while? We can talk about it? No? You're a mess.
I know.
Ed? Yo.
We checked the shoe tread with every shoe manufacturer in the database.
But we never checked the print against specialty lines.
Specialty? Vegan shoes? I'll order you a pair if you're interested.
No.
I don't believe in walking on vegetables.
Got a match.
Where are these veg-heads now? They're meeting in Bella Sera.
Yo, Larry? Where are my lobsters? What are those for? Pain pills.
I'd offer you one, but in two minutes you'd be passed out and your head would be in a puddle of your own drool.
Look, I want to apologize.
For what? For not listening, not believing.
Happens all the time.
I have to admit, it's the most original come-on line I've ever heard.
You'd be surprised how well it works.
Come on.
Why didn't you stay in the hospital? My body "failed to respond to any accepted therapeutic modalities.
" And they could only promise me a few extra weeks than I already had.
So where are you going to go after Vegas? I don't know.
Vegas was the end of my to-do list.
The last time the doctors checked, the cancer was pretty much everywhere.
I guess that's kind of weird, actually.
I mean, outside I look okay, but on the inside, I'm pretty much a mess.
You're going to go back into the hospital? No.
I don't want to spend my last few days on a hospital bed with a tube down my throat, all pumped up on morphine.
Part of how you live is how you die, and that's definitely not for me.
Besides, I still have two unfinished items on my list and one of them is skydiving.
I have compared every woman I've ever met to you.
Jay, we were in the ninth grade.
You were my first love.
I'll think about it.
You better think quick.
It's a limited-time offer.
Jay Dee you're my dying wish.
You're in a lot of trouble, Larry.
Felony robbery.
Grand theft, auto well, technically grand theft truck.
I can't tell you where they are.
Even if you put them on ice, they're not going to last much longer.
They'll be fine.
Why'd you do it? Why? Yeah.
Las Vegas is like the Killing Fields.
200,000 new people a day satisfying their bloodlust by gnawing on the flesh of fried, and baked, and broiled and grilled animals.
And does anyone even blink an eye? No.
Instead, they pay homage to Vegas' Murderer's Row: Emeril, Wolfgang Puck, Gunther and Bobby Flay.
When I got word that the Montecito was going to put to death 1,000 lobster right under my nose, I knew that it was a call to action.
Have you ever heard a lobster scream? Personally, no.
But I have dipped their tails in warm butter.
And it's quite tasty.
Murderer.
Where are my lobsters, Larry? I can't tell you.
You know, Larry, where you're going, I have a feeling that they're gonna make a meat-eater out of you.
I'll see you later guys.
They're safe.
That's all that matters.
Yeah, I know his list: Singing, skydiving, sunrise.
Jay thought I might be able to help him with another one.
That's good.
Tying up loose ends is an important part of dying.
Yeah.
It's this particular loose end that has me a little concerned.
He's didn't ask you to do anything illegal, did he? No, of course not.
Good.
Because that's where I would draw the line.
Any other lines? He asked you to sleep with him, didn't he? He's been in love with me since the ninth grade.
I'm his dying wish.
How'd you know? Apparently, he's got a lot of dying wishes because he also asked me and Sam and Nessa to sleep with him, too.
You're leaving? I'm going skydiving.
So, have you made your decision? I've given it a lot of thought.
And the answer is no.
But don't you want to know why? Not particularly.
You keep telling me how much you love me, how much you want to sleep with me.
I do.
But you never once asked me how I felt about you.
You were my best friend.
Friends do anything for each other, right? Yeah, but don't you think a going-away lay would change what we had? And cheapen it? I don't want to get laid.
I want to make love to the most beautiful woman in the world.
Is that what you said to Sam, Mary, and Nessa? I don't know, these painkillers really do a number on my head.
Oh, God.
Oh, God! All right.
Come on.
Just hear me out.
I'm dying, and I'm desperate.
Want to do everything while I'm still alive.
I just don't want to die with any regrets.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, too.
Delinda, I We could always talk.
And I think that's really why I came here.
I just wanted someone to talk to like we did when we were kids.
If this is just another line of Delinda, I'm scared.
You're not going to break my nose again, are you? My first kiss, and my last.
Sam! Come quick.
The wedding was perfect.
And the lobster? Delicious.
So fresh.
Oh, good.
You have no idea.
Hit me! What's Big Willie's chip count? Down $600,000 and not a care in the world.
Really? How do you do it? We have some new VIPs.
And here they are: Eight of my most favorite lobster fishermen from Harpswell, Maine.
And all you had to do is comp their stay? That's not all I had to do.
You didn't.
We're gonna hear Michael Bublé sing.
Bublé! Bublé! They're fans.
Go figure.
Whatever happened to the I have no idea.
Larry this is Mr.
Glenn Schaeffer.
He's CEO of the Mandalay Group.
He owns this hotel.
And these are my sharks.
It seems that somebody dumped 1,000 lobsters into his million-gallon aquarium.
Are they okay? It's not a matter of the lobsters being okay.
I can't afford to have my sharks die.
You see, Larry, everything that goes into this tank including the food, is screened for bacteria and disease.
So, what you did here was endanger Mr.
Schaeffer's sharks.
I didn't know that they were It's okay.
We came up with a pretty great idea, I think.
More my idea.
Okay, Glenn, it was your idea.
"The Mandalay Bay and the Montecito Resort bring you "Lobsterfest, all you can eat.
" Mikey! Hey, Ed, you ready for the show? I'm ready.
Sure, I'm ready.
How about you? You ready? I'm ready.
Of course, yeah.
Listen, how did it go with her? Did it work out or what? Oh, man.
You were right.
She is the nicest person on the planet.
She didn't say no to anything.
The plate.
Did you The plate? Eight of them.
I did the mime.
The "Bublé in a Bubble.
" She just laughed at me from the audience.
Pay up, sucker.
There you go.
This was all a bet? Yeah, but no.
Listen, we talk a lot, you know, we talk a lot.
And this one time I was telling him I know the coolest, coolest girl.
And he doubted that, because that's the way he is.
And so we made a bet.
I said, "I'll bet there's nothing you could do that would make this girl "lose her temper.
" And there you go.
I hope it's okay.
I signed it to Jillian.
Sure.
She listens to this thing every day for three months.
I know the whole act.
How're you? Good.
Can't wait to see you after the show.
Good luck.
I believe that is my cue.
He's a great kid.
All this for a CD? No, he also promised to come back next summer during his national tour.
This kid's gonna be huge.
What if you'd lost? Would have given him one of my CDs.
Nessa! If your chute doesn't open hold up your left hand! Why? In case anybody on the ground wants your watch.
Oh, ha-ha.
Time to go.
Ready.
Hey! Thanks for everything.
It's been one hell of a trip.
No! Jay! Look, sweetie, he did everything he wanted to do.
Apparently everyone he wanted to do.
You didn't? Me? No.
You? No.
Of course not.
Mary? He's hot and he's dying.
Of course I did him.
I guess he went out in style.
How was it? Fine.
I can't believe he jumped.
I bet he smiled the whole way down.
I'm guessing there was a point where he had to quit smiling.
Dad! I'm sorry.
I couldn't It's not funny.
I'm sorry.
Yes! $50,000 a hand on two tables for the last 12 hours.
You gotta love Big Willie.
How are the plans going for his daughter's wedding? Great.
The east ballroom, decked out with Show me some good love! Sam's wrangled up 1,000 live Maine lobsters, arriving within the hour.
Lobster! Okay.
The man loves his shellfish.
I've booked Michael Bublé to sing at the reception.
Who? Trust me, he's great.
Big Willie's daughter is a huge fan.
She's going to have one hell of a wedding.
Yeah, nothing but the best for Sam's number one client.
Blackjack! No change the dealer.
Mary, hi.
Hi.
We were just wondering about the soap in our rooms.
Yes.
Certified organic.
No tallow or animal testing.
I promise you, your convention will not only be enjoyable, it'll be cruelty-free.
Michael, hi.
Thanks.
Hi.
Hi.
I'm Mary Connell.
I am so happy that you're able to make it.
I didn't have much of a choice.
I was all set to play London and the next thing I know my agent and manager arrive on a Montecito jet and drag me down here.
So, you're not upset? No, I just haven't played a private party in years.
I was thinking maybe I could try something new for Big Willie and his daughter.
You know, keep things fresh.
Fresh is good.
Good.
I got some ideas.
I'll run them by you later? That sounds great.
Okay.
Bye.
I'm sorry, I'm not in the business of looking after out-of-town guests.
That's Sam's job.
You don't have to entertain him, just keep him company for a few hours.
I'm buried at work.
Believe me, you won't regret it.
Still trying to pawn off your ninth grade boyfriend? He wasn't just my boyfriend.
When I met Jay, we had just moved for the third time in a year.
My 14th school in all.
No one would talk to me.
God, girls can be so mean.
I just needed someone to talk to.
I needed a friend.
And that's when I met Jay.
He was always there for me, no matter what.
Didn't you break his nose? Only after he tried to kiss me.
That doesn't sound like you at all.
I used to be a tomboy.
That's quite a change.
Promise me both of you, you'll be nice.
Dee? Please.
I promise I'll be nice.
Me, too.
Mike? Hey.
What's new? Three drunks, two card counters and a guy who insisted he was Elvis demanded a free room.
Really? I mean, was it him? Was it the King? More like the queen, he was wearing a dress.
Surveillance.
What? When? Thanks.
Someone just stole a lobster delivery truck.
Where's Danny? Yeah? Yeah, I'm way ahead of you on this one, Ed.
Nothing to worry.
I'll get back to you.
So, why Vegas? The last items on my to-do list.
To-do list? I have four more to go.
Witness a desert sunrise, sing over the canals of Venice and skydive over Sin City.
That's only three.
You always save the best for last.
Make love to the first girl I ever kissed.
That's so sweet.
Delinda, you were the first girl I ever kissed.
That last one might take you some time.
I hope not.
I only have a month to live.
I'm dying of cancer.
So, you guys let us know if you find anything, okay? Traffic control followed the truck over the 15 but by the time Metro had any cars in the area, it was long gone.
I need you to find the son of a bitch who stole the truck, all right? Ed, with all due respect, they stole lobsters.
Yeah, lobsters for Big Willie Chen.
On his last visit, he dropped $10 million.
Stay! Double down! Inoperable and untreatable.
Doctors gave me six months to live five months ago.
What kind of cancer? I don't want to talk about it.
It just bums me out.
If you were really sick, wouldn't you be in a hospital? If there's nothing they can do for you, lying around in a cancer ward is depressing, not to mention a total waste of time.
Yeah, and trying to sleep with me isn't? Not if there's a chance you'll say yes.
You forget I've known you since the ninth grade and still remember all those pranks you used to pull.
Pranks? Me? Like at graduation, you had all the diplomas printed in invisible ink.
Saying you have cancer just to get me into bed would be right up your alley.
Except this time it's not funny.
That's because it's not a joke.
This is all we have.
It looks like a foot.
I was thinking foot, too.
Well, then I guess our work is done here today, boys.
We were robbed by a foot.
I can't believe you lost my lobsters.
Nobody lost your lobsters.
They were stolen.
Ed, Big Willie invited his closest, dearest Okay, richest friends to his daughter's wedding.
I planned on harpooning a few stray whales before they migrated out of town.
I need my lobsters.
Well, then, Captain Ahab, I suggest you hunt some more down.
Yes, sir.
Hit me again! Yes! Hit! Desert sunrise, sing in front of thousands, or skydive over the city? I'm definitely not jumping out of a plane.
So then it's decided.
We're skydiving.
I don't think you heard me.
I said no.
Okay.
Then sleep with me.
I'm not doing that either.
Nessa, some of the best memories I have are because I did things that I swore I never would do.
Like running with the bulls in Pamplona.
Let's stick with skydiving.
Okay.
Okay.
What if my chute doesn't open and I crater at 200 miles an hour? That's not going to be fun.
Come on.
Don't be silly.
That could never happen.
Really? And you wouldn't crater, you'd bounce.
Bounce? So, you want to fool around before or after we skydive? I don't want to sound like a star-struck teenager or anything but, God, I just love hearing you sing.
You are like Frank Sinatra and Bobby Darin all rolled into one.
Mime.
Yeah, I don't know him.
Does he sing, too? No, I want to do mime.
You're kidding.
Mime has always been my first love.
But Big Willie hired you to sing.
No, Big Willie hired me to perform.
It says so in the contract.
What I do is up to me.
Come on, you can't give up singing now.
Your career is just taking off.
Just watch.
I call this one "Bublé in the Bubble.
" Okay, then, Michael? Michael.
Mary, you don't have to yell.
Mimes can hear, they just can't talk.
Yeah.
So, let me get this straight.
You want 1,000 of my lobster? Yes.
You stole my boyfriend.
Yeah, but he had a little At our engagement party.
He didn't tell me who he was.
Sweetie, that guy was a jerk.
So if you think about it, I actually saved you years of pain and suffering.
I mean, I think that you and I could possibly be best girlfriends.
Why would you even come to me? Because of your incredible reputation.
Everybody knows about you: Wendy, freshest seafood in Vegas.
And everyone in town already said no.
What are you talking about? You're my first choice.
What's it worth to you? How much do you charge for a lobster dinner? $85.
I'll take 1,000 lobster dinners to go.
I'll even round it out to a cool $100,000.
Cash or check? Make it $200,000 and you got a deal.
What's with the additional $100,000? Pain and suffering.
Deal.
Let me see one of those bad boys.
Wait.
Where are his Claws? Yeah.
They're Pacific lobster.
No claws.
Enjoy the pain and suffering.
Okay, sure.
Hey.
Hey.
I need a favor.
Favor? That's great.
Last time you asked me for a favor, it cost me $1,900 in parking tickets.
You didn't want the police to boot my beemer, did you? Your beemer.
No, sweetheart, of course I didn't.
Did you get some more tickets? Yes, but we'll deal with that later.
I need you to pull someone's medical records.
That's against the law.
Only technically.
No, there's also a privacy issue.
Details.
I need Jay Ross' medical files.
The pimply-faced boyfriend you had in the ninth grade? That Jay Ross? He lost the pimples.
Yeah.
What's the matter with the kid? Cancer.
So he says.
Jeez, honey, I'm sorry to hear that.
Yeah, I was sorry, too, until I realized he was probably lying.
Why would somebody lie about something like that? If I told you, you'd kill him quicker than his cancer ever could.
Delinda said you're the cheery one.
That was before my musical act decided to become a mime.
Mimes are funny.
Sort of.
My life is over.
Yeah, there's a lot of that going on.
You know what you need? A gun, to shoot myself? You need to karaoke.
No, I don't need to sing.
I need my musical act to sing.
No, you need to karaoke with me.
Come on, I'm only asking because I'm dying of cancer.
Yeah, nice try, Jay.
But Delinda told me you'd say that.
That's because Delinda didn't believe me.
It's true? Cross my heart, hope to die.
Double down! So, Big Willie, how's everything? Up $700,000.
Nice.
Sam, I do not like to be bothered when I'm playing, especially when I'm winning.
Of course not.
I just wanted to let you know that your daughter's wedding is set.
The decorations, the flowers, the pyrotechnics are amazing.
Is Bublé here? He's here! I want Bublé! Yeah! So you got him! However, I am concerned a little about your choice in food.
Lobster is fine, sir, but I may have something that could make your evening even more special.
I just got the word that I can get my hands on 800 pounds of Kobe beef.
Kobe beef? The $300-a-pound, Japanese-raised Kobe beef.
The kind that's massaged daily by hand, perfectly marbled served with just a touch of soy.
Sir.
I have to think about it.
Okay, well, you think about it.
No pressure.
I'll be waiting over here.
Hey.
Think he's gonna go for it? 2-to-1 against.
I want lobster! Okay.
I want the jet.
Hit me! Yeah! I'm gonna let you in on a little secret.
Just when you think you got everything under control something will come along and throw your plans for a loop.
Don't I know it.
Hey.
I'm so sorry.
I've got no right to complain, you know, considering everything.
You know, everyone told me that once you know you're dying you'll stop sweating the small stuff.
But they're wrong.
No, it's the small stuff that makes life worth living.
So you're saying I should enjoy my failure? No.
But you shouldn't let it stop you from singing.
You're kidding.
Karaoke in Vegas with Venice as a backdrop.
It's pretty cool, huh? How many people get to say they did this? I think we'd be the first.
How did you do all this? I gave them a note from my doctor.
Jay, I don't sing.
Karaoke is not about how good you are, it's about how much fun you have.
No, you don't understand, I can't sing in front of all these people.
It's easy.
Just pretend we're 5,000 miles away, staring at the piazza.
The one without the 5,000-room hotel.
Okay, not a problem.
How is this going to help? You're never gonna see these people again.
Do you take requests? Of course.
Make love to me.
I'm sorry, but I'm wearing this.
It's not a problem, as long as you're not wearing anything else.
Yup.
That's right, 1,000 Maine lobster.
I'll be there within the hour.
Craig, you just told me an hour ago that you had the lobster.
I know, I'm sorry, Sam.
My shipment didn't come in, on account of Hurricane Ruth.
It kicked up a wicked swell as far north as Halifax.
None of the lobstermen will leave dock.
I don't think you understand the desperate nature of my situation.
I understand the situation.
I just don't have any lobster.
We're old friends, right? If you knew where to get the lobster, you'd tell me.
Sam.
Yes.
You dumped me.
I was ready to propose.
No, I didn't think you were serious.
I showed you the ring.
I'll marry you if you give me 1,000 lobsters.
Very funny.
No, I'm serious.
I'm madly in love with you.
I can't live without you, let's spend the rest of our lives together.
This is a proposal? Abso-frigging-lutely.
As long as I get you the lobster? Yes.
Sam.
Yes.
Even if I thought you were serious, I don't have any lobster.
All right.
No one does.
You blew it again.
How about dinner and a movie for 500 pounds of Pacific salmon? Figures.
If you want to go skydiving, why don't you ask Danny? He's a Marine.
They do that Superman stuff in their sleep, right? Tell Nessa skydiving is not that dangerous.
It's not.
Unless someone's shooting at you.
There you go.
It's not the jumping I'm afraid of.
It's the landing.
That's not a real healthy way to live.
It is if you want to live a long time.
I pride myself on almost rarely, if ever, trying to kill myself.
You like to go swimming in the ocean? Yeah.
Did you know that the ocean is home to the great white shark one of the most violent, bloodthirsty predators on the planet.
And if you get bit by one, besides the mind-blowing pain your blood actually chums the water which leads to a feeding frenzy with a whole bunch of other sharks.
Yeah, it's a long Slow Painful, painful death.
That's great.
I'm never going in the ocean again.
Anything else? No! All right.
What's your point? My point is life is all about risk.
We could die at any moment.
If it's your time to go, you might as well go quick.
And if you eat it skydiving, you won't feel a thing.
Mary? Yeah? Mary, hi.
Excuse me.
Hi.
I hate to bother you and I don't mean to seem ungrateful but we have these passes, to the buffet Yes, our cooking staff has marked all vegan dishes with gold stars and two soy entrées have been prepared by Gunther, just for you.
It's amazing.
Larry, don't you worry about a thing.
The next couple of days, I will take care of everything.
We gotta make this quick, Luis wants us out in 20 minutes.
Not that I'm being picky, but isn't this considered tampering with evidence? CSI didn't find anything, so how can it hurt? I just don't want a felony seafood conviction on my record.
Come on.
Why do we got close it? You gotta keep this thing a secret.
I promised Ed we wouldn't show anybody.
A Radiant Spectrometer! I just read an article about this in Theoretical Science.
Yes.
By lacing radioactive isotopes into a laser matrix it can retrieve material residue from surface strata for up to three days after contact even if cleaned by phosphate-based cleaners.
So, we can dust for prints that aren't there? Right.
Why don't you just say that? The only downside is if you're exposed to the radiation your nads will glow green for two months.
Check this out.
Now, I agree with you that mime is poised to come back in a big way.
I'm just not sure that you're the guy to bring it back.
Mary, lighten up.
Yeah, but it's a wedding reception.
And people, they want to hear you sing.
My voice is my instrument.
Exactly.
Maybe I should show how versatile my instrument is.
Now you're talking.
You think I'm funny, right? For a musician, you're pretty funny.
Good.
Then that's what I'll do.
Stand-up.
Just stand-up.
Stand-up.
Big Willie wants to hear you sing.
I want to hear you sing.
Then buy one of my CDs.
Okay, the lights dim, I take the stage.
How many of you hate to fly? I know I do.
Mr.
Nelson? Yeah.
James L.
Nelson, at your service.
You must be Samantha Jane Marquez.
Yes, I am.
Talking to you on the phone, I thought you'd be bigger.
Sort of burly, you know? More facial hair.
Right.
I need some lobster.
Yeah.
I know what you need.
The only problem is I can't deliver on account of Hurricane Ruth And the wicked swell.
Yeah, I heard.
Listen, money's no object.
Okay.
For $1 million me and my buddies will go on out there.
We'll pick you up some lobster.
So $1,000 a lobster? And worth every penny.
Money's now an object.
That's too bad.
It was nice meeting you, Ms.
Marquez.
Mr.
Nelson? What if I were to give you something? Something that money can't buy.
Something very valuable.
Yeah! Pisser! I'm busy, and you're still full of crap.
Look, I'm sorry you don't believe me, but I see a white light.
Jackass! Come on! How's it going? Pretty good.
Can't complain.
Thanks.
I gotta ask you, does that whole "I'm dying of cancer" line really work? Like a charm.
You okay? Absolutely wonderful.
Michael Bublé now wants to be a stand-up comic.
And? And he's horrible.
And you're happy because I have nothing to feed my wedding guests and my musical act is no longer musical but I'm not sweating the small stuff.
You were with Jay, weren't you? Yeah.
How'd you know? Daddy, I need you to kick Jay out of the hotel.
Right.
Why don't you sit down for a second? I don't want to sit down.
Look, I just got a copy of Jay's medical records from his doctor so sit down for one second.
Daddy, I don't want to sit down.
Stop with the "daddy" stuff and sit down.
I'm sorry.
But Jay is telling the truth.
Sure he is.
Remember when he reassembled the principal's car on top of the gym? Are you sure you talked to his doctor? I mean Jay's dying, honey.
Man, you look beat.
Thank you.
I've just crossed the country twice, and in 12 hours I'm throwing a wedding.
So, I figure I have about three hours to eat, sleep, and shower before I have to be back to work.
I know what you need.
What's that? You need to get laid.
You must be Delinda's friend.
Yes.
Here's the thing, Jocko.
Jay.
Whatever.
"Getting laid" can only lead to "will you marry me?" Then I'm going to have to dump you Actually, I'm dying of cancer.
Which means no long-term commitment, no emotional aftermath and no one's ever going to know because "Dead men tell no tales.
" So, you're the perfect one-night stand.
Exactly.
Almost done.
Nothing.
I'll run it again, but I compared our footprint with every major shoe manufacturer in the world.
Not a single match.
Either this guy's a real pro Or the luckiest son of a bitch in history.
You were right.
That was exactly what I needed.
Is there any chance we could cuddle? Don't ruin the moment.
I don't know about you, but my brain is fried.
Yeah.
After two days in the surveillance room, it's nice to be outside.
Getting in touch with the real world.
Nothing more real than a chlorinated ocean with a concrete bottom.
No natural predators.
Completely safe.
No natural predators, completely safe.
I've been talking to some doctors at UNLV about experimental treatments gene therapy.
They want to set up an appointment for tomorrow afternoon for some additional tests.
Don't you think Jay's been through all this? Jay will be fine.
I'll make sure of it.
Maybe I should call his doctor in Houston again? You know, there were lots of times when we just didn't think we'd ever make it home.
And no matter what we did, we were not going to make it.
This is different.
No.
No, it's not.
Not really, because when you reach that point you know, you can fight you can cry, you can pray.
But ultimately, you have to accept what happens.
Yeah, but he's not fighting.
He's on vacation.
We all fight in different ways, you know? So you're telling me just to give up? No, I didn't say that.
I didn't say that at all.
I'm saying you say your goodbyes, and you make your peace.
How about you? Did you ever have to make your peace? I just, you know I didn't have to.
I had something a lot stronger.
I had this little girl back home who needed me.
Just made me feel like I was bulletproof.
I love you.
You want to sit with me for a little while? We can talk about it? No? You're a mess.
I know.
Ed? Yo.
We checked the shoe tread with every shoe manufacturer in the database.
But we never checked the print against specialty lines.
Specialty? Vegan shoes? I'll order you a pair if you're interested.
No.
I don't believe in walking on vegetables.
Got a match.
Where are these veg-heads now? They're meeting in Bella Sera.
Yo, Larry? Where are my lobsters? What are those for? Pain pills.
I'd offer you one, but in two minutes you'd be passed out and your head would be in a puddle of your own drool.
Look, I want to apologize.
For what? For not listening, not believing.
Happens all the time.
I have to admit, it's the most original come-on line I've ever heard.
You'd be surprised how well it works.
Come on.
Why didn't you stay in the hospital? My body "failed to respond to any accepted therapeutic modalities.
" And they could only promise me a few extra weeks than I already had.
So where are you going to go after Vegas? I don't know.
Vegas was the end of my to-do list.
The last time the doctors checked, the cancer was pretty much everywhere.
I guess that's kind of weird, actually.
I mean, outside I look okay, but on the inside, I'm pretty much a mess.
You're going to go back into the hospital? No.
I don't want to spend my last few days on a hospital bed with a tube down my throat, all pumped up on morphine.
Part of how you live is how you die, and that's definitely not for me.
Besides, I still have two unfinished items on my list and one of them is skydiving.
I have compared every woman I've ever met to you.
Jay, we were in the ninth grade.
You were my first love.
I'll think about it.
You better think quick.
It's a limited-time offer.
Jay Dee you're my dying wish.
You're in a lot of trouble, Larry.
Felony robbery.
Grand theft, auto well, technically grand theft truck.
I can't tell you where they are.
Even if you put them on ice, they're not going to last much longer.
They'll be fine.
Why'd you do it? Why? Yeah.
Las Vegas is like the Killing Fields.
200,000 new people a day satisfying their bloodlust by gnawing on the flesh of fried, and baked, and broiled and grilled animals.
And does anyone even blink an eye? No.
Instead, they pay homage to Vegas' Murderer's Row: Emeril, Wolfgang Puck, Gunther and Bobby Flay.
When I got word that the Montecito was going to put to death 1,000 lobster right under my nose, I knew that it was a call to action.
Have you ever heard a lobster scream? Personally, no.
But I have dipped their tails in warm butter.
And it's quite tasty.
Murderer.
Where are my lobsters, Larry? I can't tell you.
You know, Larry, where you're going, I have a feeling that they're gonna make a meat-eater out of you.
I'll see you later guys.
They're safe.
That's all that matters.
Yeah, I know his list: Singing, skydiving, sunrise.
Jay thought I might be able to help him with another one.
That's good.
Tying up loose ends is an important part of dying.
Yeah.
It's this particular loose end that has me a little concerned.
He's didn't ask you to do anything illegal, did he? No, of course not.
Good.
Because that's where I would draw the line.
Any other lines? He asked you to sleep with him, didn't he? He's been in love with me since the ninth grade.
I'm his dying wish.
How'd you know? Apparently, he's got a lot of dying wishes because he also asked me and Sam and Nessa to sleep with him, too.
You're leaving? I'm going skydiving.
So, have you made your decision? I've given it a lot of thought.
And the answer is no.
But don't you want to know why? Not particularly.
You keep telling me how much you love me, how much you want to sleep with me.
I do.
But you never once asked me how I felt about you.
You were my best friend.
Friends do anything for each other, right? Yeah, but don't you think a going-away lay would change what we had? And cheapen it? I don't want to get laid.
I want to make love to the most beautiful woman in the world.
Is that what you said to Sam, Mary, and Nessa? I don't know, these painkillers really do a number on my head.
Oh, God.
Oh, God! All right.
Come on.
Just hear me out.
I'm dying, and I'm desperate.
Want to do everything while I'm still alive.
I just don't want to die with any regrets.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, too.
Delinda, I We could always talk.
And I think that's really why I came here.
I just wanted someone to talk to like we did when we were kids.
If this is just another line of Delinda, I'm scared.
You're not going to break my nose again, are you? My first kiss, and my last.
Sam! Come quick.
The wedding was perfect.
And the lobster? Delicious.
So fresh.
Oh, good.
You have no idea.
Hit me! What's Big Willie's chip count? Down $600,000 and not a care in the world.
Really? How do you do it? We have some new VIPs.
And here they are: Eight of my most favorite lobster fishermen from Harpswell, Maine.
And all you had to do is comp their stay? That's not all I had to do.
You didn't.
We're gonna hear Michael Bublé sing.
Bublé! Bublé! They're fans.
Go figure.
Whatever happened to the I have no idea.
Larry this is Mr.
Glenn Schaeffer.
He's CEO of the Mandalay Group.
He owns this hotel.
And these are my sharks.
It seems that somebody dumped 1,000 lobsters into his million-gallon aquarium.
Are they okay? It's not a matter of the lobsters being okay.
I can't afford to have my sharks die.
You see, Larry, everything that goes into this tank including the food, is screened for bacteria and disease.
So, what you did here was endanger Mr.
Schaeffer's sharks.
I didn't know that they were It's okay.
We came up with a pretty great idea, I think.
More my idea.
Okay, Glenn, it was your idea.
"The Mandalay Bay and the Montecito Resort bring you "Lobsterfest, all you can eat.
" Mikey! Hey, Ed, you ready for the show? I'm ready.
Sure, I'm ready.
How about you? You ready? I'm ready.
Of course, yeah.
Listen, how did it go with her? Did it work out or what? Oh, man.
You were right.
She is the nicest person on the planet.
She didn't say no to anything.
The plate.
Did you The plate? Eight of them.
I did the mime.
The "Bublé in a Bubble.
" She just laughed at me from the audience.
Pay up, sucker.
There you go.
This was all a bet? Yeah, but no.
Listen, we talk a lot, you know, we talk a lot.
And this one time I was telling him I know the coolest, coolest girl.
And he doubted that, because that's the way he is.
And so we made a bet.
I said, "I'll bet there's nothing you could do that would make this girl "lose her temper.
" And there you go.
I hope it's okay.
I signed it to Jillian.
Sure.
She listens to this thing every day for three months.
I know the whole act.
How're you? Good.
Can't wait to see you after the show.
Good luck.
I believe that is my cue.
He's a great kid.
All this for a CD? No, he also promised to come back next summer during his national tour.
This kid's gonna be huge.
What if you'd lost? Would have given him one of my CDs.
Nessa! If your chute doesn't open hold up your left hand! Why? In case anybody on the ground wants your watch.
Oh, ha-ha.
Time to go.
Ready.
Hey! Thanks for everything.
It's been one hell of a trip.
No! Jay! Look, sweetie, he did everything he wanted to do.
Apparently everyone he wanted to do.
You didn't? Me? No.
You? No.
Of course not.
Mary? He's hot and he's dying.
Of course I did him.
I guess he went out in style.
How was it? Fine.
I can't believe he jumped.
I bet he smiled the whole way down.
I'm guessing there was a point where he had to quit smiling.
Dad! I'm sorry.
I couldn't It's not funny.
I'm sorry.