Legit (2013) s02e04 Episode Script

What do you think you're doing? Grew this out just for tonight.
Well, I wouldn't do that.
That doesn't look good.
Good comb-overs you don't even know they're there.
Oh, people will notice.
Well, Georgia's gonna be there tonight.
I want to put my best foot forward.
Well, probably not with that comb-over.
How do I look? Like Stephen Hawking at a charity event or something.
You look fantastic.
So, why are you going, Billy? It's not even your class.
I go to everything.
You never know what's gonna happen.
Rodney, you going home? No.
"The Apprentice" is on next with Gary Busey.
I think it's entertaining to watch mentally handicapped people on television.
I'm gonna get in there and make a good impression on Georgia and just get out.
You know, I mean, high school was a great time in my life.
Yeah, I'm looking forward to this.
American women they love the Australian accent.
Do they, mate? It's what got me Katie Knox.
Yeah, and it also got you dumped by her.
She'll be kicking herself that she broke up with me.
- Really? - Yeah, yeah.
I'm a comedian.
I've been on TV.
"Three times.
" Yeah, three times more than you.
Oh, my God! Jim Jefferies! Hi! - Hey.
- Hey Judy.
You are so funny acting like you don't remember me.
I don't, so - I do.
- Okay.
Well, here is your name tag.
I have somebody who is dying to see you.
- Of course you do.
- Come on.
You're gonna love this.
Remember Judy? - No.
- Oh, man.
All right, let's get in and get out of here.
And you made that look so hard.
Oh, my God.
Nicole.
Hi! Hi, Judy! - Do you remember Jim? - Of course.
- Do you remember Nicole? - Don't remember you.
Oh, no, no.
It's nothing.
He's doing that to everybody.
He's so funny.
Aw, Jesus! Come on, Jim! He said he RSVP'd me.
What an asshole.
Hey, grab one of those leftover name tags.
I'm not gonna pretend like I'm somebody else.
No, I am.
Oh, good one.
Look who I found.
Kate.
Jim.
Hi.
Hi.
Um How are you? I'm good.
You? I'm good.
Okay you guys, I want you in the photo booth right now.
- No, no, no.
- Come on.
- Just one picture.
- Judy, Judy, Judy.
Let's go, let's go.
Please.
Just for me.
Right here.
Oh, you are so pretty.
Jim, brown is your color.
Okay, um, closer together, please.
Oh, you two were such an item.
Smile for me.
You guys look so good together.
Michelle klein, I have somebody who wants to see you.
Judy said you were dying to see me? Um No.
You know how Judy is.
If you steal my sunshine Ouch.
Yeah, she's totally kicking herself.
I'm gonna make a lap.
What? Don't go.
If you steal my sunshine My sunshine Hey, Jim.
How are you? - If you steal my sunshine - Cool.
This is ours - Oh, God.
- What? It's one of The Mays Twins.
- Oh, my God.
- Hey, man.
- Hey.
- Cade Mays? Are you kidding me? My God.
He is dreamy.
I spent half of freshman year stuffed into a locker because of those two.
You're right.
It was the best time of your life.
I have like 10 people who are dying to see you.
I'm gonna go talk to him.
I'm gonna get a beer See who else I know.
- Rachel? - Jim.
You look amazing.
You look all professional and shit.
Well done, Tubbs.
Tubbs? I'm a prosecutor in Chicago Family law.
Wow.
Family law.
Well, I need one.
Just beat my wife.
No? Don't have a wife, so that's the joke.
Um Geez, we used to have fun back in school, didn't we? Yeah.
So, what are you doing now? - Oh, you haven't heard? - No.
I'm a comedian.
Yeah, I've been on TV three times.
Wow.
No, 'cause I watch a ton of comedy.
Um, do you go by your real name? Yeah Um Yeah, Jim Jim Jefferies.
- Huh.
- Same same name.
Oh! Oh, shit! I'm sorry.
I'm in a wheelchair.
Randall? Do I know you? Oh, my God.
Randall, what happened? I'm sorry.
I-I don't remember much after the accident.
It's me Nicole.
Nicole.
Oh, my God.
It's so good to see you.
You look different.
So, where are you living? Oh, I still live around here.
Um, I live with, uh, Steve.
Hey, Tubbs! Looking good, baby! I see you guys really have moved on.
Wow.
You used to tease me relentlessly.
Yeah.
Yeah, I always used to make fun of everyone.
You know, we had a lot of laughs, good times, really.
Good times.
You were mean to me, Jim.
Oh, come on, Tubbs.
I wasn't mean to you.
We were friends.
It was Jim and Tubbs, Tubbs and Jimmy.
I see that you have put on some weight.
Whoa! Geez, that's hurtful.
Yeah! Cake and beer.
Hey, Steve.
Hey, man.
- Mark.
- Mark.
Sorry, man.
I don't remember you.
Well, I remember you.
Uh, you hung out with Gary.
You had a mullet.
Wow.
Thought I had a good memory.
What have you been up to? Quit drinking seven years ago after some major surgery.
Whoa! That's got to be tough.
The drinking or the surgery? Both, but the drinking.
- Yeah.
- Holy crap.
Well, the surgery fixed a long-time problem.
I had to quit to get it done, but, yeah, the drinking I do kind of miss.
If you want a beer, just tell me.
I'll go get you a beer, man.
Steve, I'm good, thank you.
I went home every night junior year and cried because of the things that you said to me.
You did? Yeah.
Ah, um I-I'm sorry, Rachel.
I thought I was being funny.
I had such a huge crush on you.
I would have sat on nails.
You know what? I should thank you because in my line of work, having a tough skin it really helps.
Well, glad to have helped.
Uh You look great.
And and if it means anything, I'll have sex with you now.
Oh.
- No? - No, no.
No.
The people here are a bunch of Hey, I remember you.
You're a crazy guy.
- Mark.
- Jim.
Yeah, mark was just thanking me for getting in the face of The Mays Twins.
- He never did that.
- No, he did.
It was it was it was very cool.
It was a very nice thing to do.
Yeah, see? See? High school was great! Yeah, it was great.
What happened with Katie? She, uh she shoot you down? I don't know what I'm gonna do with it.
Where the hell's Mary Fulcher? We'd see that beast if she was walking around.
Hey! She was sweet.
I-I don't think she's gonna be here.
This group was never very nice to her.
Yeah, it's a shame.
Mary was the best.
Her nipples were, like, strawberry-colored.
Oh, man.
- Mary was my first.
- Oh, God.
She was.
Then you started dating Georgia, and then those those Mays guys started calling her "Atlanta Georgia" 'cause her ass was the size of Atlanta.
Very smart, those Mays guys.
Oh, God! I married her.
We made a daughter together.
- Oh, congratulations.
- No.
I didn't know that.
Great.
Steve.
Oh, Atlanta.
We're divorced now.
So, Steve, do you still want to take Emily to the park tomorrow? Oh, Georgia, may I? May I take my own daughter out to celebrate her birthday, please, three weeks late? - Steve.
- I would have done it on time, Mark, you see, except that my wife - Georgia, new hairdo? - Yes.
- Looks great.
- Thanks, Jim.
Great job accepting it, mate.
It's a process, like photosynthesis.
Hey, George, we had some good times in this gym, didn't we? - Oh, Steve, please.
- Come on.
Remember back by the door when I was giving you the fingers? Oh, my God.
That is so inappropriate.
Screw you, you fingering slut.
Ugh! Let me know if you find my class ring.
Hey, Kate.
Hi, Jim.
- You want to have a dance? - No.
- Can we talk? - We are talking.
Yeah, um, just alone, like, the two of us outside.
I really I'd like to, um, have a talk.
Jim, you really hurt me.
I hurt you? Yeah.
Yep.
I just need five minutes.
I just All you bitches can go to hell! Shit.
I think you should go help your friend.
What are you gonna tell me? You're gonna tell me how you got so damn tall, dude? Then on the Hillary steps, without oxygen, my sherpa fell.
My choice take the blow from his body with my own or watch him fall thousands of feet off the face of Everest.
Oh, my God.
So, I took the blow.
There is no question that you have been blessed.
And I think we should pray.
Thank you, little lord Jesus for sending Katie.
What, Jim? Why are you being such a dick to me? I'm being a dick? You're being a dick.
You really hurt me, and now you don't have the common courtesy to talk to me all these years on? Really? I-I hurt you? Yeah, just moved away, didn't even tell me.
Uh, yeah, 'cause I kind of had to.
I kind of had to get on a bus for 14 hours with a bunch of flowers just so I could get to the door, and your dad answers it and tells me you never want to speak to me again.
Wait.
He did? Yeah.
I'm sorry.
I-I Sorry? What what was that? You're sorry.
What, you're sorry that you, uh, broke my heart? You're sorry that you, uh, pretty much destroy You ruined me! I'm 16 years old.
I'm just crying my eyes out.
Please please don't laugh.
- Sorry.
- Please.
I felt like I lost an arm.
You know, you you were the first girl I-I waited to sleep with.
And you're the last girl I ever waited to sleep with.
Well, you pretty much ruined my 20s, so Good.
I'm listening.
It was just one bad relationship after another, and I live in Sacramento, for Christ's sakes.
Sacramento that's the worst bit of that story.
Oh, excuse me.
Everybody, uh, we have a little slide-show presentation for you.
First up, "Where are they now?" Class clown and most likely to be arrested Jim Jefferies.
Jim has been on TV three times.
Wait.
Where is Jim now? Probably out back trying to bang Katie Knox again! I was the You know I'm I'm a comedian now.
I'm happy with that.
I've been on TV like six times.
- Oh, that's - No, Um It's three.
I just wanted to I've been on TV three times.
Every time you come to the bay area, I go.
Well, I've played in some pretty small crowds.
I think I would have Um, why didn't you ever say hi? I was mad, dumb-ass.
Biggest change Mary Fulcher Mary Mary! Yeah! Pay attention, Georgia.
This is what a real woman looks like.
Uh, who is now Mark Fulcher.
Huh? So handsome, right? Oh, my God! Are you kidding me?! I was trying to find the right moment to tell you.
Oh! Mmm! The night just keeps getting better.
As you know, some of our classmates couldn't be here tonight, but they are here via YouTube.
Greetings, everybody, from here in Africa.
- Shit! - I am at a Christian orphanage.
I just wanted to say hello to everybody, especially Lisanne and the Bible-study group.
- You guys are - We got to go.
Hey, did you know my first sexual encounter is now a man? Yeah, I knew that.
And, uh, you didn't bother to tell me? I didn't want to embarrass him.
Do you remember the the last time we had sex? - Uh No.
- Let me let me paint a picture.
Uh, your house.
There was some music playing in the background Guns N' Roses' "Appetite for Destruction.
" You had the hair.
I remember a lot of crying is what I remember.
But you were crying.
I-I never well, yes, it was me, yes.
I was the one who cried.
And now it is time for "In Memoriam.
" Ooh, I love this part.
Amazing grace - What?! - How sweet the sound That's awesome.
That's it! No! Hey, it's spelled with a "v," not "p-h"! And it's not Nuggett! It's Nugent, you assholes! Please! You got my birth date wrong! You know I was held back two years because of biology! I was born in '75! You know, I can't say I've ever met the right girl.
And why was that? Sanity.
Uh, um Your dad's a really convincing guy.
He was.
Mary, Mark, whatever it is over there I got to tell you something, Mary.
I'm so proud of you.
I'm so proud of you 'cause you had the balls or the vagina or whatever to become who you really wanted to be.
Thank you.
You can all just suck my dick or Mary's new dick.
Brand-spanking-new dick.
Got that new-dick smell.
It's new.
Jim! Jim! Dude.
What, Billy? Remember when we told them that Steve was dead? Well, it's getting out of hand.
He's probably gonna get his ass kicked.
- I - All right.
- I'm gonna go watch.
- It's okay.
Sorry.
Shit! There's only two people in this whole room I give a shit about, anyway.
That's right.
That's Mary Fulcher and Gary Trusdale.
Gary! You know what? I'm proud to say that I hit that.
Steven, please.
Oh, please yourself, Georgia.
Go please yourself.
Right by that door.
Okay, buddy.
That's enough.
Yeah, whoa.
"Enough, enough," Cade, Wade, or whatever the hell your name is.
Where's your twin brother? I want to I got something I want to say to both of you.
Bring that dickhead out here.
He died.
He was beaten to death.
Well, that's a bit of good news, isn't it? Oh! Got nothing to say now, huh? What? What's that? No! Gary's dead?! - Nobody told me that! - Steve, stop.
I didn't know that Gary was dead! You didn't tell me Gary died! Steve Nugent, everyone.
Play "Free Bird"! Okay, uh, I think what Steve here was trying to say is that, um, we've all had our trials and problems.
Maybe there's a there's a love that we lost and, uh, missed.
We all make mistakes.
I think Steve would be the first here to say that he's probably made more mistakes than most.
You don't speak for me! But we're all human.
And, uh, Wade, I'm I'm sorry about your loss, mate.
I'm Cade.
Either way.
We got to get going, buddy.
Yeah, I told them.
Yeah, you did.
Well, that was not very funny.
Hey, I'm sorry I told everyone you were dead.
Why'd you do that? Billy thought it'd be funny.
Oh! And it was! Steve, I'm embarrassed.
You make me so hard.
Hey, see you in five years.
Who's that? - George Zimmerman.
- Oh, really? No, a different one.
Steve.
Give me a call.
Mark, Mark, you're a good guy, man.
And this is the weirdest night of my life.
But I want you to come home with me.
If you ever want to stop drinking, just give me a call.
- I don't have a drinking problem, dickhead! - Hey.
- I got to carry him home.
- Let me help you.
Katie's here, Jim.
Jim talks about you Oh! - Okay, come on.
- Oh, man.
Come on.
Do you know my first girlfriend has a dick now? - Yeah.
- Everyone knows but me.
- Hey, Billy.
- Oh, hey.
Is that your name? Yeah.
Sorry about that.
I forgive you.
And if you ever want to find the love of Christ, call me.
I've died like seven times.
Trust me there's nothing there.
What's that look for? I don't know.
I-I, uh I can't remember wanting someone to stay after sex.
Oh, I'll go.
No! You have to stay.
It's it's important that I learn.
When's the last time you felt not alone? Uh, the last time I had sex with you.
Wow, Jim.
You're good.
No, no.
That was please.
Come on.
I was serious.
Really? Yeah.
You you really should have tried with us, Katie? Why why didn't you try with us? My dad hated you, Jim.
He said you used me.
My family sent me to Utah.
Why? To have an abortion.
Um Uh It was, uh, with me? - W-was that - You know what? I got I got to go.
I-I have a plane to catch.
No, you can't go now.
- You've got to just stay, please.
- I can't.
Jim, this was a one-off, okay? - I needed closure.
- Yeah, but But what, Jim? I can't have a train wreck in my life.
I This was amazing.
Really, I did not expect this to happen.
And you were really brave for telling me how bad it hurt you.
It has haunted me.
Hello there When my dad said that you didn't call and that you didn't care, and now I know you did.
It means so much.
We can live like Jack and Sally if we want Thank you.
And we'll have Halloween on Christmas And in the night, we'll wish this never ends We'll wish this never ends Get up.
You've got to go see Em.
No.
She's all you've got left except for me and Billy, and he's gonna die.
Oh, don't say that.
Jim! Where are you? Get in the shower, Steve! I cannot sleep I cannot dream tonight I need somebody and always You know, I'm really glad I went.
It was nice being Randall for a while.
God, Jim! Jesus, Billy.
What about her present, man? Got it covered.
- Was last night bad? - Well, it wasn't good.
We told everyone that you were dead 'cause we thought it was funny.
That is kind of funny.
I wish I remembered.
How was your night? Turns out that my life could have been very different.
Yeah, what about mine? Mary Fulcher's a man? I love you, daddy.
Yeah, I love you, too, kid.
Happy Birthday.
I got you a gift.
Ooh! - Rip it open.
- Okay.
- I love it! - Yeah.
- 'Cause it gets cold in Cincinnati.
- Yep.
Here.
Got it? I love it.
Look at it, daddy! I grew! Yeah, you did.
I'm an airplane! Whoo! Airplane! I'm an airplane! Airplane! Airplane! Airplane! - Don't be sad, dad.
- I'm not sad.
I'm happy.
I'm just happy you're here.
- That's all.
- Me too.
Bye, daddy! Bye, kid.
I love you.
I love you, too! What's your dwarf friend's name? Brad.
Think Brad needs a jacket?