Little Britain (UK) s02e04 Episode Script

Britain, Britain, Britain! Recently awarded the OBE.
But why? Not just because we won all those wars or invented the scone.
No, it's because of the people of Britain, the British, Brits, or scum, as we are affectionately known around the world.
Let's take a trip around this fragrant isle, and find out just who are they and what are their doings.
Bring it on! The police, or pigs, as they are affectionately known, are always busy solving crimes.
Popular crimes include armed robbery, GBH and my particular favourite, murder.
Perhaps the next time you try to steal a horse, you'll think again.
Don't tut! I'm letting you off with a warning.
You're lucky.
All right! Who do you think you are, the law or something? Ten hundred thousand pounds? So, Vicky, you say you witnessed the robbery.
No but, yeah but, no, because this robbery happened because this thief robbed this bank.
- It was a jeweller's.
- Yeah, and I saw the man who's done it.
He was so guilty because it was him and I done a drawing and he looks like that.
Can I have ten hundred thousand pounds? - You didn't see anything, did you? - Oh, my God! I so can't believe you said that! He tried to nick my Reebok trainers, so I should get ''consempation'' for that as well.
You know it's an offence to waste police time? No, but yeah, but no, but yeah, but no, but yeah, because I'm not wasting police time because Misha saw the whole thing because she was going to get off with Luke Griffiths, only she never because he's been growing a moustache but it looks like pubes, only don't tell Bethany because she flashed her fanny at him during Home Ec.
- What has this got to do with it? - I'm getting there.
This whole other thing happened because Ellie Barnes said that Craig Wiltshire's brother left a rubber Johnny on Miss Turner's desk.
We're just interested in the robbery.
Robbery? I ain't done no robbery.
This is like the time Samina said I threw a tampon at Ian.
She was well out of order to say that.
I would so never do that.
It was a panty-pad.
- You have no idea who committed this crime.
- My God, I so can't believe you said that! I was well just about to tell you who, like, the whole robber was, and everything.
- Are you all finished in here? - Yeah.
She done it.
Oh, my God, did you see that? She well just gave me guilties.
The people of Pox are enjoying light refreshments after their annual carol service.
I love Carols, though I do prefer Barbaras.
- Lovely service, Vicar.
- Yes, Vicar.
- Thank you, ladies.
- To hear the children sing all those carols.
- That is the true meaning of Christmas.
- Yes, they did do well.
- But it's all down to the choirmaster.
- Oh, thank you, Vicar.
Mince pie, ladies? Oh, thank you.
Oh, they're still hot.
Mmm - Lovely.
Did you make these? - Yes, with my partner, Stephen.
By the way, I thought the solo in ''Silent Night'' was divine.
Thank you.
It's five to Jackie S, not Jackie P, and in the northern town of Dirty Boy lies this sublime newsagent's.
Hello.
- Thirsty? - Yeah.
Hungry? Looking to catch up on the day's news and sport? Hoping to write letter to friend or relative? Planning a wank? Just these.
- Can I take your order, sir? - Yes.
I'll have the foie gras to start.
- And for your main course, sir? - The poached guinea fowl.
- Would you like vegetables with that, sir? - Just dauphinoise potatoes.
Excellent choice, sir.
And a Double Decker.
Today, Emily is taking Florence to the ballet.
Emily, you're sure this is what ladies wear when they go down the ballet? Trust me, my dear Florence.
All the best ladies dress like this.
Now, just do as I do, and no one will suspect a thing.
I love to slip into a tutu.
Bishop Desmond Tutu.
Good evening.
Two ladies' tickets for the ballet, s'il vous plaît.
They're all the same price, sir.
Where would you like to sit? - In a seat, please.
- Yes, facing the stage.
- We love the ballet, you see.
- Yes, we're just two ladies who love the ballet.
Florence was very nearly a ballerina herself.
- Yes Was I? - Yes.
She dreamed of being a prima ballerina.
Oh, yes, but then I became a hod carrier.
I am definitely a lady, and I have been coming to the ballet now for many a year.
I've seen all the finest companies.
The Rambert, the Bolshoi.
Legs and Co.
That's two tickets in the stalls at £50 each.
How would you like to pay? Switch.
- Mr Edward Howard.
- Oh, my husband's card.
Silly me.
(GIRLY LAUGHTER) - Do you have any cash, Florence, my dear? - I should have some in here somewhere.
Now Oh, yes.
20, 40, 60, 80, a ton.
- Merci beaucoup.
- Excuse me.
Where's the bogs? Où est la chambrede pee-pee? Through there, but the performance is about to start.
- Merci.
- Ta very much.
Two ladies having a pee.
(HUMMING) Oops-a-daisy.
Christmas was first celebrated in Britain in 1986 to commemorate the birth of Lord Martin Christmas.
(REVVING ENGINES ON TV) - You're going to be reading in church today.
- Yeah, I know.
What do you want to wear? I'll put the iron on.
- Baby Jesus.
- What about the baby Jesus? I wanna go dressed as the baby Jesus.
Hmm.
I'm not really sure that's a good idea.
I know you like the baby Jesus.
- I love the baby Jesus.
- I'm not sure dressing as him will go down well.
It's gonna be a right kerfuffle, making you up a baby Jesus outfit at such short notice.
Baby Jesus.
And now Andrew Pipkin is going to read for us from the Gospel according to Saint Matthew.
Andrew.
''And so it came to pass that Mary and Joseph made their way to the city of Bethlehem.
''They sought high and low for refuge, but there was no room at the inn.
'' I look a pillock.
So that you can have In Kidney, Dr Lawrence has taken Dr Beagrie along to see one of his patients take part in ''The Importance Of Being Earnest''.
But you must be serious.
I hate people who are not serious about meals.
Such a funny play, isn't it? Anne's worked very hard on it.
I think she'll be fantastic.
Lady Bracknell.
Oh, this'll be her now.
- Good afternoon, Lady Bracknell.
- Eh! Eh! Ehhh! - May I offer you a cucumber sandwich? - Eh! Eh! Ehhh! The handbag line.
I'm dying to see how she does it.
I was just telling Algernon how I was found in the cloakroom at Victoria Station, in a handbag.
- Eh eh-eh? - Brilliant.
Yes, Lady Bracknell.
I was in a handbag.
A large, leather handbag with handles on it.
Eh! Eh! Ehhh! - In the cloakroom at Victoria Station.
- Ah, the Brighton line.
Yes, so I need hardly I need hardly say I don't remember this bit.
I'd love to see her do some Shakespeare.
Eh! Eh Every Christmas, Marjorie Dawes takes her FatFighters group out for a meal.
The best meal I ever had was in Rome, off the beaten track in a backstreet.
Chicken McNuggets and chips.
I asked for a corner table because it's not fair on other diners to have to watch fat people eat.
- I don't know what to have.
- It's Christmas.
You can order what you like.
You've got to have a night off, ain't you? We're not FatFighters now, are we? I'm not sure they do curry here, Moira.
Why don't you order English food? Spag bol.
- Everyone ready? - I think so.
By the way, we're all from FatFighters.
Aren't we, gang? Hey-hey! In case you're wondering why I'm with them, I'm the leader.
- Yes, what would you like? - I'll have garlic bread to start.
- I don't think you should be having a starter.
- Oh, OK, then.
In that case, the chicken Kiev.
- Do you want anything on the side? - No.
I'll have the steak and chips, please.
No, just give him a salad, without the dressing.
- Can I have lasagne ? - What is best is if you point at what you want.
Yeah? All right, Pat, your turn.
Seeing as you're ordering for us, just a salad.
Cancel that.
Do you have any dust? Little bit of dust? No? Dust? Dust? No? Dust? Little bit of dust? No? Dust? No? Dust? Little bit of dust? No? Dust? No? - No.
- Well, in that case, give her a glass of water.
- Anything for you? - Nothing for me.
I wanna keep my figure.
I never eat after six.
- Everyone finished their Christmas shopping? - No, I haven't done any of it yet.
Oh, I just dropped my fork.
Excuse me.
Yeah, go on.
(SLOBBERING) (CHOMPING) Sowhat's everyone doing for Christmas? In Llandewi Breffi, gay boy Dafydd Thomas is taking a stand against his local library.
- Morning, Dafydd.
- We're taking action, Mrs Jones.
Oh, right.
- Is there something the matter? - ''Naked Civil Servant.
'' ''The Joe Orton Diaries.
'' ''My Struggle'', Dale Winton.
- Oh, right.
- It's not easy being the only gay in the village.
- Books like this have been a lifeline to me.
- Oh, Will Young.
Put that down! It's a gay book, for gays.
There we go.
This library now has a Gay and Lesbian and Bisexual section.
Another step forward for the Llandewi Breffi Gay Liberation Front - me.
Actually, Dafydd, I don't know whether you've ever been past Travel, but we do have quite a popular Gay section.
- What? - Come with me.
- What the hell is? - Ssh! - Have you decided what you're having yet, sir? - No.
- The oysters are very good today, sir.
- All right, half a dozen oysters to start.
- And for your main course? - The liver with baby onions and savoy cabbage.
- Excellent choice, sir.
- And a Lion bar and a Peperami.
This is Number 10 Downing Street.
The Prime Minister and his wife are preparing to make an announcement.
I don't want to spoil it, but basically they're having a baby.
- (KNOCKING) - Come.
Morning, Prime Minister.
- Morning, Sebastian.
You know my wife.
- Hello.
Hi.
Maybe I should just go.
No, no, no, no.
Please sit down.
We've something to tell you.
I'd like you to issue a statement confirming that Sarah is pregnant.
What?! I'm three months gone, and the bump's beginning to show.
Actually, you're the first person on the staff to know.
Great news, isn't it? Whatever.
So, is that it, or is there something important you need to discuss? Well, it'll be a big story and I'd like you to handle it.
- (PHONE RINGS) - Oh, Chief Whip.
Excuse me.
So, it's definitely his, is it? Of course it is.
We need to compose this statement.
- Very clever.
- Excuse me? - What you've done.
Very clever.
- I'm sorry? Got yourself up the duff.
Did you say you were on the pill? Tricked him into it? No.
We've been married for twelve years, trying for children for two.
You've worked it, girl.
I'll give you that.
- What? - You've got him.
You've won.
But let me tell you this, girlfriend.
While you're piling on the pounds, he'll be looking elsewhere.
How dare you?! Oh.
Is she all right? Yeah, women's problems.
Ershall we get on with this statement? Yep.
Erm ''We regret to announce''? ''She's done it.
The bitch has done it.
'' Explain.
Sorry, Prime Minister.
You know, we could have adopted.
People in Britain like to keep their money safe by putting it in a bank or by nailing it to the door.
- It's 80,000, which is cheap for round here.
- Oh, yeah.
Estate agent reckons we can get it down to 75.
Sounds great.
The best mortgage for you is the MidWest First-Time Buyer Plus.
- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.
There's a fixed rate of 4.
9% over five years, and an instant cashback of £10,000.
- Right.
- Sounds good.
- We'll go for that, please.
- It's going to be brilliant.
- I can't wait.
- I know.
Computer says no.
(COUGHS) This upper-class family are meeting their wedding caterer.
If you're not sure which class you are, pull back your foreskin, where you'll find the word ''lower'', ''middle'' or ''upper''.
For the starter, I was thinking of wild asparagus tips with hollandaise sauce.
I'm very open to suggestions.
If there's anything you particularly like, it's your wedding, just say.
- Bitty.
- Sorry? What was that? - Not now, Harvey.
- I don't like asparagus.
Well, maybe smoked salmon for my mother? - Bitty.
- No, Harvey.
- Bitty.
- You've just had bitty.
- Please.
- Well, for the main, I was going to suggest breast of pigeon with wild mushroom risotto.
- That sounds lovely.
- Sounds a bit rich.
- I don't like risotto.
- What would you prefer? - Bitty.
- Come on, Harvey.
We will, of course, offer a vegetarian option.
Oh, bloody vegetarians.
String up the lot of them, I say.
Bitty, bitty.
We went to a wedding in the spring, and we had these wonderful roasted artichoke hearts.
And a lot of people went for them over the beef Wellington.
Yes, that doesquite often happen.
- Ow! You're biting.
- Nothing left.
I'm not surprised.
You're greedy this morning.
- Bitty.
- Don't worry, dear.
I should have some.
Nana bitty.
Any ideas on pudding? At a supermarket in Slaughter, stage hypnotist Kenny Craig has just finished his shopping.
Supermarkets were introduced into Britain to destroy small businesses and create a sense of social alienation.
(CRASH) Excuse me! Are you going to leave your insurance details? - Didn't hit the car.
- I saw you do it.
Look into my eyes.
The eyes.
Not around the eyes.
Look into my eyes.
You're under.
I did not hit that car.
You're back in the room.
- You didn't see who hit that car, did you? - I did.
It was him.
I saw you do it.
Look into my eyes.
The eyes.
Not around the eyes.
You're under.
You did not see me hit that car.
Nor did you.
Three, two, one What's happened to my car? - Look into my eyes.
My eyes.
- Me? - No, not you.
Him.
- Oh, right.
Look into my eyes.
The eyes.
Not around the eyes.
Look into my eyes.
You're under.
I never done it.
Moanwheel, in Throttle, a lunch order is being taken.
- Can I take your order, sir? - Yes, I'll have wild truffle and Roquefort salad.
- Very good, sir.
- Then scallops with artichoke hearts.
- Will that be all? - Yes.
And a bag of Monster Munch.
- And to drink? - Um Bongo.
It's nought o'clock, and at this shop in Phlegm, Mr Man is looking for a book.
I read a book once.
It was called ''Who On Earth Is Tom Baker?'' Hello.
I did not know you liked books.
Hello.
Yes, I like books very much.
- Looking for anything in particular? - Not really.
Have you any books on mediaeval English music between the dates 1356 and 1390? Erm I can't see anything here.
Margaret knows all the books.
One moment.
Margaret! Margaret! Yes? A gentleman wants to know if we've any books on mediaeval English music from 1356 to 1390.
- Paperback or hardback? - Paperback or hardback? Oh, you know me.
I'm easy.
He says he is easy.
There should be one, over by the Mike Gatting autobiography.
Oh, yes, here we are.
''A History Of Mediaeval Music, 1356 To 1390.
'' Sorry, I didn't grip in time.
Sorry, I gripped too soon that time.
You may have to hold it.
Right.
Well, what do you reckon? How many pages does it have? Oh.
I was hoping for something more along the 306 mark.
Right.
Do you think the author might be interested in rewriting his work to cut it down? If you cut out all the ''O''s, you might lose six pages there.
I I don't think so, no.
- Maybe I'm being too specific.
- You are being a little specific, yes.
OK.
Have you got any books? - Ha Have I got any books? - Yes.
Well, yes, we've got hundreds of them.
I'll take them, please.
Oh, right.
Oh.
You, er You must really like reading.
Oh, no.
Unfortunately, I'm blind.
It's five to Pamela, and at this health spa in Trump, the guests are working hard.
And turn the page.
And rest.
Consequently, here at Hill Grange there is a need for some restructuring.
- You know Jacqueline is leaving us? - Yes.
- So from Monday - (KNOCKING) Come in.
- Hello, darling.
- Oh.
Hello, Mrs DeVere.
Call me Bubbles.
Everybody does.
- Mrs DeVere, I'm in the middle of something.
- Darling, be a darling and leave us alone.
Thank you, darling.
Not a word of this to anyone.
- We're alone.
- Have you got the cheque? It's all here, darling.
All the treatments, all the food.
Bed and board for five months.
- Great.
- £17,300, darling.
- Thank you.
- But we don't need the cheque, do we, darling? - Yes, we do.
- No, we don't.
Because (HUMMING: ''THE STRIPPER'') - (SMASH) - Sorry.
Be quick, Mr Hutton.
I have a colonic at three.
Lou Todd has bought two ice creams, both for his friend Andy.
Andy! Andy! Where are you? I'm up here.
- How did you get up there? - I fell.
Careful, careful.
Oh, thank you so much.
Thank you.
Oh, I was worried sick.
What a kerfuffle.
- How did he get up there? - Well, I've absolutely no idea.
As you can see, he's not the most able-bodied person there is.
He's confined to a wheelchair, and I push that.
I'm not even sure he's got the strength in his arms to get up a tree.
It's a mystery.
Something for Arthur C Clarke's ''Mysterious World'', or for Toyah Willcox to sing about in ''It's A Mystery''.
I think the best thing to do now is get him home.
Early bath, early to bed.
And a good idea is a nice, hot, warm, milky drink, like a cup of cocoa or something.
- OK, we'd better get you home, young man.
- Yeah, I know.
Thank you.
Oh, did they bring the ball down as well? - Yeah.
- That was kind of them.
And so our visit to Little Britain has come to an end.
I must go now, because a man has come into the room and he's trying to pull my clothes off.
I must just find out what he wants.
Good tie! (ANDY) Where's my funny foot?