Lopez vs. Lopez (2022) s02e04 Episode Script

1
[UPBEAT SAXOPHONE MUSIC]
- [PHONE RINGS]
- Lop-EZ Movers.
Me hablo español if you speak slowly.
Oh, you want to reschedule
your Wednesday move?
Yeah, we can do Thursday.
Oh, great. Oh.
You're rescheduling
because your mother died?
- So not great.
- [DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES]
When am I getting my paycheck?
Friday. Oh, no, not you.
Friday's booked.
I need socks.
Mommy, catch!
Ow! Mother oh!
No, no, no, no, no, not your mother.
May her memory be a blessing.
Mayan, help me open this tape.
I can't use my nails.
They stopped growing two years ago.
Find someone else.
No, no, no, no, not you.
Damn it!
No pay till Friday.
No ball in the house.
- Come on.
- And no more talking.
[HUFFS]
- Okay.
- Okay.
[MUMBLES]
[SIGHS]
What a day.
You have no idea what it's like
managing the Apple Store.
You got kids running around,
employees wanting paychecks,
helpless old people.
It's just
I'm hungry. What's for dinner?
Oh, I got so busy,
I forgot to ask you
to defrost the chicken.
I got so busy,
I forgot to buy the chicken.
Well, I remembered to be hungry.
I'm sorry, buddy.
Mommy and Daddy are still
adjusting to our new jobs.
We've got a lot going on,
but we'll figure it out.
I already figured it out.
I'm ordering pizza.
Large pepperoni,
six-pack of Mountain Dew,
cookie pie.
You guys want anything?
I'm here.
Not as often as the Domino's guy.
Pizza again?
This is the fourth time this week.
[EXCITEDLY] Pizza again?
This is the fourth time this week!
I can't believe
I'm actually saying this,
but I could use a salad.
Oh, this pizza has a hair on it.
Oh, that's mine.
It's fine. We'll save
the rest for tomorrow.
What about that dinner plan
you said you'd figure out?
I said we'd figure it out.
Babe, I told you how stressful work is.
I just thought you would start doing
a little more around the house, since
you're around the house all day.
Trouble in paradise.
If there was a ghost in this house,
he'd be right here, "Woooo."
I may be home, but I'm still at work.
My job is a little more
demanding than asking people,
"Have you tried turning your
phone off and back on again?"
Oh, shots fired.
Plus, you have a staff of Geniuses.
I work with
Not geniuses.
Hey, I'm Alberto Einstein.
Híjoleequals MC es-squared.
Chut up! You chut up, es-stupid!
I can see how the long commute
from the bedroom to the living room
makes it hard to boil some noodles.
Ooh. No, he didn't!
If you want noodles,
then boil them yourself.
I don't have time or energy
to do any more
than what I'm already doing.
Well, neither do I.
So I guess nothing's getting done.
- Fine.
- Fine.
This hair actually isn't mine.
Whoa.
What are you doing with that?
I'm gonna scale the Shanghai Bank Tower
and pull off the heist of the century.
The toilet's clogged, man.
No, no, no, no, no.
That is a home problem.
Mayan works at home.
She should plunge it.
So I will put this in her office.
Ooh. What are you doing?
A little game I like to call
Passive-Aggressive Jenga.
If Quinten wants clean dishes,
he can deal with them.
So don't wash them.
Finally, a promise I can keep.
Since Mayan and Quinten
started fighting,
there's no one here doing the cooking.
There's no cleaning.
I miss my maid and my chef.
Now it's just like
I'm living with family.
You know, you can always go
to that spa on Figueroa
where, for $4, you can shower
and wash your clothes.
That's a car wash.
Only if you have a car.
- I gotta go grocery shopping.
- [DOORBELL RINGS]
Excuse me, miss, where do
you keep the frozen pizza?
[CHUCKLES]
George, this isn't a good time.
- I have someone over.
- What do you mean?
- A male someone.
- What?
Liar. Let me see.
The lady said it's not a good time.
What are you doing in here, Chance?
Mommy dropped me off
so she could fight with Daddy
while still protecting my innocence.
And Nana's doing my laundry.
Is that why his chone-chones
are drying in the kitchen?
My dryer's broken.
My bedazzled bra got stuck
in the gears
again.
Can I stay here?
I mean, I tried to help them over there,
but Quinten took away
my favorite plunger, Chupacaca.
I tried to clean. Mayan took my broom.
Then how did you get home? [LAUGHS]
Magic.
The same way I'm about
to make you disappear.
[GROANING] No, no, no, no!
Come on, Rosie.
I'm sorry, Rosie, I'm sorry. All right?
Can I stay? We can all hide out here.
It'll be great.
You fix me breakfast,
I'll fix the dryer.
You know me. You give me 20 minutes,
I can remove a bra.
Those 20 minutes were
the only foreplay I ever got.
Would be nice to have
my dryer working again.
Great. And, you know,
my chone-chones could use a wash too.
Ta-da!
How did you do that?
I got magic too, bruja.
[UPBEAT SAXOPHONE MUSIC]
Really?
You're not gonna make
my side of the bed?
Sorry, can't.
Too busy with work.
Whatever.
- [GASPS]
- I need to fold my laundry.
Your laundry?
Yeah. Yours is still in the hamper.
Oops, I accidentally washed
a pair of your socks.
Well, thank you. I'll put 'em away.
No, I got it.
My prayers have been answered!
What are we doing? This is not fun.
No, you're right.
Maybe we should just sit down,
spend an hour,
and just really talk
through our feelings.
I think that's a good idea.
Ha! You have an hour.
You could be cooking dinner.
You set a trap and baited it
with healthy communication?
It doesn't make sense
for me to cook dinner.
You're the one that's good at it.
Yeah, but you can become good at it too.
Okay, I found a video,
and I swear to you,
it's gonna help.
To boil water, you need four things.
You don't get it.
I didn't just lose my job,
I'm starting a whole new career.
It would be nice if you cared.
No, I I do care.
But I have been working
twice as many hours,
and I am managing
an entire store of people.
And it feels like that just
doesn't matter to you.
Shall I carve the roast?
Not until after the spinning salad.
All those years wasted
eating motionless salad.
It's like "Wheel of Fortune."
I'd like to buy a crouton. Thank you.
Thank you for fixing the dryer,
changing that light bulb,
and finishing my crucifix wall.
I was happy to help.
Although using all those nails
around Jesus,
I felt a little insensitive. [CHUCKLES]
[LAUGHS] Chance, would you
like to say grace?
Dearest God,
what if this was the family?
- Ah!
- [CHUCKLES] Aww.
May I be excused?
I'd like to wash my hands before dinner.
Claro que sí, mi Gordo.
I can't believe we're not fighting.
Why do you think that is?
Isn't it obvious?
We're no longer tormented
by a relentless,
disruptive presence in our lives.
- Mayan.
- Alcohol.
- Ah!
- [BOTH LAUGH]
- [CELL PHONE CHIMES]
- Oh, speaking of Mayan,
whenever she fights with Quinten,
she asks for my advice,
I fix everything,
and love returns
to their unmarried, sinful,
common-law whatever.
So then, uh, what?
This all goes away?
Those two really love each other.
And I'm glad
their fights don't last long.
Yeah, me too, but
what if we could make this one
last just a little bit longer?
What are you saying?
You want to sabotage their relationship?
"Sabotage" is a strong word.
It's also the right one, but
I'm here.
What are you doing?
I thought you were
proving a point to Quinten
by being a cochina.
I miss him.
I miss cuddling him.
Do you know how hard it is
to be your own spoon?
You're asking the wrong person.
I'm very flexible.
I realized that Quinten has
always been there for me.
It's only fair that I do more
around the house.
Oh, Mayan, that's so sweet.
So sweet and so stupid.
What? What do you mean?
You already do so much.
You do the shopping,
pay the bills, do the laundry.
And let's not forget
that you carried Quinten's baby
for nine months and ruined your body.
- I wouldn't say
- Ruined!
I do think that I do a lot around here.
And all Quinten does is complain.
Clearly he doesn't appreciate you.
Don't let him get away with that
for at least three more days.
You're right.
He doesn't appreciate me.
And I'm not gonna do
anything else around here
until he does.
Lord, forgive me.
But before you say anything,
remember that we both
sacrificed our only child
for the greater good.
[UPBEAT SAXOPHONE MUSIC]
All relationships require compromise.
You need to ask yourself,
do you want to be right,
or do you want to be happy?
You have a point.
I'm gonna apologize to Mayan.
Estás loco, apologize to Mayan.
That's a huge mistake.
Hey, trust me, okay?
I'm an expert in relationships.
How are you an expert in relationships?
When I was married,
sometimes I was in, uh,
two, three, or four at the same time.
Well, Oscar has been giving
me some pretty sage advice.
I will always be here for you.
Are those my socks?
They were a gift from God.
I've been so wrapped up in my own stuff,
I forgot about what Mayan needs.
And starting a new career
can't be easy for her.
Career?
She mostly just answers my prank calls.
Okay, well,
until she feels more settled,
I'm gonna go back
to helping around the house.
Are you crazy?
You already do too much.
You cook. You clean.
And, by the way,
you spoon her every night,
making you sweat
and get chest acne, all right?
She's ruined your body.
You're right.
I am going to continue
to do absolutely nothing
until Mayan learns to appreciate me.
I'm sorry, God.
But I did it in the name
of the Father and the Son
and the spinning salad
with the little croutons.
Amen.
I would say good night, but
that would be doing something.
And I'm not doing anything.
I'm not doing anything either.
Reminder: it is Tuesday
night, sex night.
We've never missed a Tuesday.
You know our rule.
BOTH: Never go to bed horny.
Fine. But I'm doing this for me.
And I'm doing it for me.
- If you want to be there, fine.
- Okay.
- Let's do it.
- Let's go.
What are you doing?
What are youdoing?
It's sex night. You heard the lady.
- Get on top.
- [GRUNTS]
[LAUGHS DRYLY]
I am not doing any of the work,
so youget on top.
- [BOTH GRUNT]
- Oh-ho-hoh.
No. I do enough around here.
Youget on top.
- [BOTH SCREAM]
- Oh!
[BOTH GROAN]
Alexa, put Advil on the shopping list.
[UPBEAT SAXOPHONE MUSIC]
It's a dessert and a show.
Unlike Mayan,
- when my food burns, it's on purpose.
- [BOTH LAUGH]
[SIGHS] Were we wrong to stir the pot?
No, you have to, or the bananas shrivel.
Oh, George,
I mean between Mayan and Quinten.
Rosie, if they wanted to make up,
we wouldn't have been able
to stop them so easily.
Right. Their arguments
are so dumb anyway.
- Not like us. We knew how to fight.
- [LAUGHS]
Doors slamming, paella pans flying.
Neighbors putting up "For Sale" signs.
[LAUGHS]
Ay, but those two
[WHINY VOICE]
"You should buy groceries."
"No, youshould buy groceries."
[BOTH LAUGH]
Speaking of groceries, uh,
what's for dinner?
I made lunch and the banana thing.
I thought it would be nice
if you tried making dinner tonight.
Oh, me? Well, you know,
that's not my job, that's your job.
No. I have an actual job.
Yeah, we just talked
about it making dinner.
Selling insurance!
You don't become la reina
of insurance overnight.
Insurance is one
of those optional things,
like taxes or condoms.
I move boxes. I've ruined my body.
You ruined your body before that.
Where is my paella pan?
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Hey, hey! Don't you dare!
I don't have my plunger
to defend myself!
Well, this was fun while it lasted.
You're leaving?
If I'm gonna live in a house
where people are fighting,
it might as well be the one
where all my toys are.
Help! Fire! Fire!
- Where's the fire?
- Exactly.
Where isthe fire?
You two have lost your spark.
Welcome to Chez Chance. Table for two?
You did all this for us?
Yeah, I got tired of
you fighting about everything.
I mean, last night,
I even heard you arguing
about who should be on top
Which is crazy because
you don't even have a bunk bed.
- Here are your menus.
- Oh.
I would like to try the "meat."
I will also have the "meat."
[SUCKS TEETH] We're out of the meat.
- A little waiter humor.
- [BOTH CHUCKLE]
Two meats coming right up.
- [LAUGHS]
- I can't believe Chance did this.
This is so sweet.
We raised a pretty good kid, huh?
It helps that you're always
looking out for him.
And reading to him, helping him
get his homework done.
You've done such a great job
making sure he eats healthy
and has a strong male role model.
I think. I don't know.
I've never had one.
I should thank you more often.
And I should appreciate
everything you do.
'Cause this family works
because we work together.
And we'll make it work again
because we
We're sick of pizza.
- We love each other.
- We love each other, yeah.
That's I didn't think
I had to say that
because it's so obvious.
You know, it should be easy
now that we've got
- a kid who can cook and clean.
- Yeah.
- [SCOFFS]
- [CLICKS TONGUE]
This meat is not cooked.
Ooh, and this plate is not clean.
You know what, I'll order the pizza.
I opened a whole pack of meat,
and this is the thanks I get?
Now we're in a fight!
Don't worry.
I'll get Mayan and Quinten
back together again.
Wow, I work fast.
You guys made up?
Well, I guess it's back
to fighting raccoons
in the trash for a pear.
Yeah. I wanted to apologize yesterday,
but my mom told me not to.
I wanted to apologize yesterday too,
but George got in my head.
In my defense, my good advice
probably would have been
just as harmful.
Why would you do that to us?
Obviously, my marriage to George
had its ups and downs.
And downs and downs.
But there were still some good times
- sprinkled here and there.
- Heh.
A light dusting of pleasure,
if you will.
Being together
and getting along this week
felt like those times again.
I guess I just wanted to hold onto
this a little longer.
And I thought if I could just hold on
for a couple more days,
I might be able to ride that
[WHISTLES BREATHILY] Whoo-ha