Loudermilk (2017) s02e04 Episode Script

1 Hanky Klocko's dead, and our debt will be buried with him forever.
Guys, Tony didn't kill anybody.
- It was me.
- What was you? Killed him.
I did it for you guys.
I'm hoping this can stay in the room.
- You're calling the cops, right? - Absolutely.
[TIRES SCREECH.]
[SNIFFS.]
Have you been drinking, sir? What? No.
I'd like to see your papers.
Okay.
I'm just gonna go to my glove compartment and get them for you.
- [ENGINE STARTS.]
- [TIRES SCREECH.]
Hey! Hey! You! [CHUCKLING.]
[CLEARS THROAT.]
I mean, we we all heard that you'd been arrested.
It's really hard to prove a murder case without a body, and I hid it really well.
I don't get it.
How is it that this kid's still walking around free? He confessed to a murder in front of 12 people.
Yeah, well, pinning a murder rap on someone ain't that easy.
Yeah, it is! It's incredibly easy.
You have 12 people who will testify in court that he confessed.
Whoa, whoa.
11.
I don't want to get involved.
OFFICER: Yeah, right, but, I'm gonna be honest here.
You guys aren't the most credible witnesses.
What is that supposed to mean? Well, most of you have criminal records.
You're addicts and alcoholics or you've been arrested for prostitution.
What? Never! I ain't talking about you.
Sorry, but until we find a body or this guy walks into the station and confesses to us, this is just a missing persons case.
Officer Dreamy Eyes is right.
We've all had checkered pasts.
Our word isn't good enough to rest a murder case on.
What the hell are we gonna do? I can't sit in the room with ol' creepy-ass, dead-eyed killer Macaulay Culkin.
Mmm-mmm! Exactly.
We can't have some murderer looking at us.
It's going to fuck everything up.
Question is Who's gonna man up and deal with it? Well, I guess that's gonna fall on me.
So you're gonna let him know he's not welcome? No, I'm gonna switch up the meeting times and not tell him.
[FRANZ FERDINAND'S "STAND ON THE HORIZON" PLAYS.]
So, I want to thank you all for, uh, helping me with Dartgate, and, uh, since then, I've been I've been feeling pretty good.
Real good.
All right, good.
Next time, though, when you're thinking about picking up, reach out to somebody.
Get rid of the 99-pound phone, yeah? Uh, before we wrap this up, I just want to say this is the new meeting time going forward.
Thank you for being flexible about it.
I think it's important, we had a lot going on, but we need to pull together, and we need to focus on what we're trying [PHONE KEYS TAPPING.]
Hey.
Cisco.
- Present.
- Are you? 'Cause being present is about more than just your presence.
- That's a good one.
- [KEYS TAPPING.]
Did you hear what I said? Yeah.
You said, "Being present "is about more than just your presence.
" Are you taking notes? - Dude, that's assault.
- Really? What the fuck is "Loudermilk Says"? It's my Twitter account.
Why does it have my name on it? 'Cause I started it to document all the great things you say in group.
You're tweeting out shit that I say in here? Hey, that's a clear and present violation of our anonymity policy! I only use Loudermilk's name, and he's listed as the leader on the Sober Friend's website, so shut up, you little weasel.
No, little weasel's right.
This is a private meeting, okay? What's said in this room should stay in this room.
I'm not putting anybody's personal business, just tidbits of Loudermilk's wisdom.
Loudermilk wisdom? Now there's an oxymoron.
Last week's tweet had 800 retweets.
- Not so moronic.
- 800? What, is that a lot? CISCO: Yeah, it's not bad.
The account has almost 2,000 followers.
Yeah, Mugsy, just speak.
It's not homeroom.
You don't have to Okay, okay.
Listen.
I'm not an addiction psychiatric specialist doctor, but if it's helping more than the people that are in this room, that's a good thing, no? I mean, why not help Was it thousands? Rather than 12? Okay, well, I guess if nobody has a problem with it, and, uh, Cisco's not putting personal shit out there Though if it does come up, you can let them know I'm single, I have killer eyebrows, and I'm a huge Pittsburgh Penguins fan.
Dude, I just finished saying, there's no personal stuff on it.
It's about Loudermilk, and only Loudermilk.
[CHUCKLES.]
Why are you on my phone? Oh, I'm looking at Cisco's stupid Twitter thing.
I I never knew I said so many intelligent things.
"If you're an alky and you pick up a drink, "for all intensive purposes, you're a dumb fuck.
" You sure that's not Maya Angelou? Fuck me.
Cisco He wrote "for all intensive purposes.
" It's "intents and purposes.
" Now someone's going to think I'm an idiot.
[KNOCK ON DOOR.]
Check it out.
I got you some Shinola headphones.
How can you afford Shinola headphones? I can't, but, uh, I know you like them so much because you got that turntable, and did you know they're made in Detroit, and they pay their employees pretty well, so I thought this would be something There you go.
Hey! I see you got the Vitamix I sent you.
You know what that is, right? That is the Cadillac of blenders right there, sir.
Look, if this is some kind of feeble attempt to make amends, why don't you focus on somebody else? I'm not interested.
Well, everybody else has already accepted my amends es.
Who did you make amends to? Lots of people.
Look, here.
I made a list.
Okay, me and your mom is not a "list.
" And I don't know how you managed that because she's been dead for six years.
Prayer.
How come I'm not on there? Uh, 'cause I didn't do anything to you.
No? You made this a very unstable environment for me when I was in the beginning of my recovery.
- Oh, really? - Yeah.
Yeah? I also gave you a free place to stay.
You know, Loudermilk wanted to kick your scrawny ass out on the street.
Fine.
Apology accepted.
[SIGHS.]
Sam, come on.
Everybody I've apologized to has accepted except for you.
How about the guy you ran over when you were drunk? - What guy? - The homeless guy.
[SCOFFS.]
I hit his shopping cart.
You want me to make amends for that? Yeah.
Well He's a vagrant.
I mean, they live a nomadic lifestyle.
I wouldn't be able to know where to find him if I tried.
Why don't you try the spot where you hit him? It's not like he's a migrating buffalo.
They tend to stick in one area.
But he's a crazy person.
He thought his shopping cart was a car.
I mean, if I make amends for that, he's going to think I'm inviting him to the prom.
Better pick out a nice corsage.
Okay.
I'm going to get going back to my storage unit where I no longer I have a roommate and my neighbor is a hooker who I'm pretty sure stabbed a guy last night - for short-changing her.
- Girl's got to get paid! [SNEEZES.]
[COUGHS.]
Excuse me.
Hey, how's it going? My name's Ben, and I just came here to apologize to you for something that actually happened a while back.
Of course.
Mr.
Hit-and-Run.
Wow.
Great memory.
You don't forget something like that.
You know my vehicle was in the shop for a week.
And I feel awful, which is why I came here to apologize to you.
I I had actually just relapsed at the time.
I'm sure you know what that's like.
Not really, no, but I can empathize.
My brother struggles with addiction.
Messed up his whole life.
Every family's got one, I guess.
Yeah, okay.
Well, if we're done here, I'll let you get back to it.
What if I'd been pushing a stroller that day with my toddler son inside? Do you even have a son? Oh, my God.
Do you have no decency, sir? How the heck would I know? How cruel of you to torment me with the fact that I am barren? Jesus Christ.
But if I did have a son, his lifeless, little body would have been broken on the hood of your fancy gold car.
Silver.
Silver.
Oh, so sorry, Mr.
Gatsby.
Sometimes I get my precious metals confused.
- [SNEEZES.]
- Oh, motherfucker! So my boss Hal [MOCKINGLY.]
"I'm Hal" screams at me in front of the entire receiving department, for no reason, zero reason.
No reason? He screamed at you for absolutely no reason? What would your boss say if he were sitting here right now? Okay.
Well, he'd probably come in here and go, "Mugsy, Mugsy, what the fuck are you doing here in this church rec room when you're still on the clock?" - Wait, you're still on the clock? - Yeah, yeah.
I slip out all the time.
Nobody knows.
But when I'm working, I'm working.
I don't slack off.
Okay.
Um Just an observation, Mugsy, but I've noticed that you tend to lash out at people even when you're often in the wrong.
Fuck you, ass-chin! What's your point? I'm just saying Maybe you should stop externalizing every time something goes wrong in your life.
LOUDERMILK: Yeah, ass-chin does have a point, okay? There's a reason that externalize ends in "lies.
" What's going on, Cisco? You haven't written anything down the whole meeting.
Just waiting for something good.
What about that "externalize" thing I just said? It's a little confusing.
Jesus, Loudermilk, not everything you say is tweet-tastic.
- "Tweet-tastic.
" Oh.
- [KEYS TAPPING.]
Oh, come on.
You're going to write that down? Yeah, it's funny and, like, kind of profound if you think about it.
You know, Cisco, I also say a lot of insightful things from time to time.
Maybe you can quote me.
Like what? Okay, well, uh, life is like an onion.
You peel one layer at a time, and, uh Sometimes it makes you weep.
Okay.
I was going to say "sometimes it makes your fingers stink," but, yeah, six of one, half a dozen of another.
Cisco, write this down.
I relate everything to Tetris.
If one thing that game's taught me anything about life, it's that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
Whoa! Fuck, yeah.
I believe it was St.
Thomas Aquinas who said, "The things we love define who we are.
" Hm, I think that was actually Flaubert that said that.
Flaubert.
Are y'all kidding me? Flaubert? St.
Thomas Aquinas? Man, you all are a bunch of motherfucking posers! Thank you, Stevie.
Thank you.
There's a lot of ego in this room right now.
Way too much ego.
It's concerning.
And let's not lose sight of the fact that this is "Loudermilk Says.
" Holy shit! We just hit 3,000 followers.
How is that even possible? A lot of people retweeted yesterday's tweet.
- Which one? - Um.
"If the past calls, let it go to voicemail.
"It has nothing new to say to you.
" You know what I love about what I did there is Loudermilk changed the meeting time! I thought I told you about that, though, right? I did call you.
It doesn't matter.
We've got a couple minutes left.
Uh, so if you have something that you do want to say, just jump right in.
The time is all yours now.
Um, you know, so I'm sure you have a lot on your mind.
Hmm.
No.
Okay.
Good meeting.
Um, just leave the chairs where they are 'cause I think we're we're gonna be back.
BEN: Go away! Is there a Ben in there with you? Oh, great.
What are you? Slumming? Uh, no.
We wanted to stop by, see if you were doing okay.
What happened to your eye? Funny story The homeless gentleman that you had me make amends with? - He spat in it.
- Oh, God.
You must've been pissed.
- Hey, Ben.
- Hey.
How's it going, Eugene? He claims it was a sneeze, but, uh, there was no build-up or warning, just right in my eye.
- Do most sneezes have a warning? - Yeah, they do.
It's the "Ah, ah" part of the "Ah-choo.
" This was just "Choo!" Just bang.
Man, that really doesn't look good.
I mean, I think you might have some kind of, like, flesh-eating thing.
You know, when you share spit with a bum, you're sharing every Dumpster gumbo he's ever slurped down.
Oh, geez.
It really itches bad.
- It's like - Well, stop rubbing it.
You're making it worse.
Thanks, buddy.
That's really sweet of you.
I have an appointment with a doctor later today, so Well, you should bring that homeless guy.
Have him tested, too.
- Seriously? - Yeah.
Whatever he gave you might not show up in your blood for months, but they can test him now, and you can get a beat on it.
That makes sense.
Jesus.
[SIGHS.]
You guys want to come in? - No.
- No.
Thank you.
Hey, man.
Hey.
Ah.
[CHUCKLES.]
Well, well, look who's back.
You come to give me another half-baked apology? No, but I got to thinking to myself.
I got to do something nice for this gentlemen, you know, just to make up for that half-assed apology.
Can you get to the point, sir? I'm trying to work here.
Hey.
Ooh.
Look, as I was walking up the street, I was thinking maybe I could take the gentleman for a cup of coffee, and then you don't need that.
And then, I thought, oh, how about I buy some more window cleaner? But looks like you're pretty well topped up.
And then it hit me.
How about a medical checkup? - Medical checkup? - Yeah, a medical checkup.
Yeah, I can't imagine you get those very often.
[SCOFFS.]
And why, pray tell would you think I don't get proper medical care? Well, be because You know, you're homeless.
Excuse me, sir? I have a home.
- You do? - Yeah.
Right there.
You know, not everyone has a "traditional" brick-and-mortar dwelling, sir.
- Yeah? - I don't need much room, and I like the fact that my carbon footprint is small.
Right.
So what do you say, huh? Are you going to let me take you to an appointment? 'Cause if you don't, I'll tell you what.
I'm going to come right back down here every day and pester you until you say "yes.
" - Really? - No, this is your only shot.
Hmm.
Well, you know, there are a couple things I wouldn't mind getting looked at.
I do have a curious nodule on my undercarriage.
Hunh.
You know, "Case of the Curious Nodule" is my favorite Sherlock Holmes mystery.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
Hey, hey, there you go! Come on.
Look, I already made an appointment, and it's on me.
What do you say? - All right.
- There we go.
That's a guy.
Gentlemen, who should I talk to first? Ben or Barrington? Uh, you can talk to both of us.
Barrington? Really? What? I ran a full battery of tests, and all the blood-work came back clean.
Oh! Thank the lucky stars.
Okay, cool.
So this This thing where he sneezed in my eye? - This is nothing? - Just a sty.
It'll go away if you stop rubbing it.
And for the record, I did not sneeze in your eye.
I sneezed in your eye's general direction.
Yeah? Well, it felt like I was sitting in the first row at SeaWorld.
[SCOFFS.]
Figures.
You would go to SeaWorld.
- Oh, great.
Okay.
- This is insulting.
- Take me home.
- Not so fast.
It's not all good.
Barrington, you have serious coronary issues.
- How serious? - You need a triple by-pass.
What? Wow.
Yeah, that is certainly serious.
You know, I'm gonna let you two sort this out.
- And, uh, hey, good luck.
- [DOOR OPENS.]
You're leaving? You said this was on you? Well, yeah, I mean, yeah, when I thought they were going to give you, you know, like a tube of Lotrimin or a tetanus shot, not open-heart surgery.
I mean I get it.
Great.
[SIGHS.]
All right.
Look.
How much is this going to cost? It's like triple by-pass, so that's what? 1, 2, $300? It's a bit more than that.
We've got people who can talk about a payment plan.
Super.
Excellent.
That makes sense.
Or, you know, if we're smart, and since he's probably headed in that direction anyway, we can wait until he needs a quadruple by-pass, then we'll just knock them all out at the same time.
- How about that? - Let me state this as clearly as I can.
If Barrington doesn't have heart surgery ASAP, he's a ticking time bomb.
Mm-hmm.
Okay, now, when you say "time bomb," how long or short is that fuse? A time bomb don't have a fuse.
It just blows.
WOMAN ON PA: Dr.
Ross, Maternity.
Dr.
Ross, Maternity.
Wow.
Am I ever glad you talked me into coming here today.
You saved my life, brother.
Happy to help.
I'll tell you what.
You work my corner while I'm laid up in here and put the money towards my medical bills, we'll call it even.
You want me to wash windshields on the street? Uh, no.
Look, don't worry about it.
I'll figure out another way to get the money.
No, it's not just about the money, sir.
It's taken me years to claim that little chunk of real estate and build up my clientele.
Clientele? Look, I'm not hanging out in your corner for the next two or three weeks.
- That's insane.
- Fine.
- Then I'm out of here.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Hey, come on.
Get back down there.
Look, I've been hanging out in the finance office for the past three hours, filling out papers for you.
Blood has been spilled defending that corner from interlopers, sir.
If I'm laid up here, even for a couple days, someone will claim it.
And the thought of that is stressing me out! Oh, boy, oh, wow, there it is.
Nurse! It really does feel like an elephant's on your chest.
Okay.
Look, look, look.
I'll do I'll do it, okay? I'll do it.
- Where is everybody? - Don't worry about them.
I need to talk to you alone.
Why don't you have a seat? [SIGHS.]
Listen.
I know you've had a tough life.
You mentioned that your dad was a bad man.
I'm guessing he had his own substance-abuse issues Probably beat on you and your mom? No, no, no.
No.
Nothing like that.
Okay, well, whatever he did He said I had to be out of his place by my 25th birthday.
That seems pretty reasonable But hey, I I wasn't there.
He didn't tell me until my 24th birthday.
It was my birthday, man.
Hmm.
Yeah, I can s I'm just gonna say it, okay? You got to confess to the police.
You got to tell them everything.
You got to tell them where the body is.
Why would I do that? Because this program, these meetings that you've been attending regularly for the last couple of months - Two years.
- Two years.
It's all about rigorous honesty, okay? And trying to live with a thing like this, it's going to eat your ass up, man.
It's going to send you back to the bottle, to the H, to whatever your drug of choice was.
- Pot.
- To the pot.
Really.
It Pot.
Yeah.
Pot is bad.
Pot is is It's really bad.
- Um, it was just pot? - Mmm-hmm.
Yeah.
Pot's a gateway to more pot.
[SIGHS.]
If I tell the cops what I did, they'll lock me up.
Well, we don't know that.
You didn't kill that guy until after he threatened us, right? So that's like self-defense.
Were you the one who called the cops on me? [SIGHS.]
[EXHALES DEEPLY.]
Yeah.
Yeah, that was me.
I Rigorous honesty, right? I was looking out for my group and for you.
Look Here's the deal.
You got to pay the price for the things you do in this life, and you can pay it now and get it over with or you're going to pay it later.
Later's always worse.
I know it seems crazy, but this this is the easiest way.
[SIGHS.]
Okay.
Okay what? I'll turn myself in.
You're making the right decision.
I am really proud of you, um - Walter.
- Walter.
Walter.
Really, really proud.
How about I take you to the station, make sure they treat you right.
- All right.
- Yeah.
[EXHALES SHARPLY.]
Hey, um, Loudermilk Yeah? You think I can come back to the group when I get out? Absolutely, Walter.
You can always come back.
There we go.
All right.
Okay.
Nice.
Thank you very much! Hey, come again! Shit! Hey, buddy! Hey! This is my corner! All right? I'm a big, crazy mama dog with eight swollen nipples! And nobody's gonna take my babies! Take it easy there, big fella.
I own the cafe down the street.
I just wanted to give you some of our day-old bread.
Oh.
Oh, what a lovely gesture.
I'm sorry for hollering.
Thank you very much.
I'm actually doing the no-carb thing right now, but it's my cheat day, so I appreciate it.
Thanks.
Hey, mama dog.
Need some water? Oh, water would be great.
Yeah.
No way this bread is just one-day old.
How'd you know where I was? One of the group guys saw you and was worried.
I'm just making amends, you know.
The homeless guy, he's, uh he's in the hospital, so I'm just watching his corner until he gets out.
Oh, okay.
Anyway, it's, uh, rush hour, so I should probably get back to the grind.
But, uh, thank you.
Thanks for coming by, Sam.
Hey, Ben.
Um Listen, I've been thinking Maybe when you're done here, why don't you spend the night on the couch tonight? - Really? - Yeah, but only if you get back going to meetings.
Cool, cool.
Yeah.
I'll get back in touch with my group.
Oh, the group that let you drink all last year? No.
Uh-uh, uh-uh.
You're coming to my meetings.
I don't know, Loudermilk.
I mean, you know, I went to your meeting once.
Those guys are all a bunch of fucking wackos.
You're wearing two different shoes, and you have a fucking turkey on your he You know, f Eh.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Sam? Sam? That sounds good.
I'll do it.
- All right.
- Okay.
See ya.
Okay.
I'll see you tonight.
All right, everybody.
- Let's, uh, let's sit down.
- [INDISTINCT CONVERSATION.]
Listen up.
I have some good news.
I took Walter in today to the police station to turn himself in for the murder.
Who the fuck is Walter? How many murderers do we have in here, dipshit? How how'd you get him to do it? I just had a heart to heart with the kid about the value of doing the right thing.
And, you know, to his credit, he did it.
See, that's the kind of shit why "Loudermilk Says" just cracked 10,000 followers, baby! Shut up.
Really? Hey, hey, hey.
Wait.
What's this? "Loudermilk says Papa John's is the best pizza in town"? I never said that.
Yeah, I think you said that last week.
Why would I say that in a meeting? I don't know.
Maybe you were hungry.
There's also one for a DUI law firm and a doggy day care.
Okay.
Look, man.
Now that we have this many followers, I was able to get some companies to pay for advertising.
Pay who? Pay pay us? Yeah.
I'll give you 40%.
No, I want 50%, and I want approval over the sponsors.
No more fucking Papa John's, and if Red Lobster calls, that's a hard no.
- Deal.
- Hang on there.
I think we should all get a cut, like 10% each or something.
Yeah, all 12 of us should get 10%.
Yeah.
That sounds fair.
Yeah, we're all part of the creative process here.
No, no, no, no, no.
This is our jam.
Is it? "The miserable have no other medicine but hope "and tequila.
" That was mine.
It was a play on a Shakespeare quote.
You've posted things from all of us.
Okay, so I sample from the group, but none of it's copyrightable.
Well, then, maybe you should call it "Cool Things I Heard in Group," so nobody here feels slighted.
If I changed the name, I'd have to get a new account.
I'd lose all my followers.
If that's how you feel, please don't quote me anymore.
That's fine.
You're blacklisted anyways.
I got into a lot of shit for that Tetris quote.
Why? That was a solid quote.
From Bill Murray.
You plagiarized Bill Murray? It's called parallel thinking.
Sometimes two people can have the same idea almost simultaneously.
Yeah, except he said it ten years ago.
Not cool, Tony.
Not cool.
Well, you know, I'm pretty sure the thing you said about the voicemail wasn't yours either.
Uh, there's a small chance that maybe I heard that or I read it and it lodged in my in my subconscious, but I wouldn't Okay, you know what? Forget it.
Forget it.
New rule.
Put the phones away.
All right? No more phones in the meetings.
That's it.
We're here to get sober, not famous.
- Oh, that's a good quote.
- Yeah, get that in there.
But that's the last one! Step out Step out of our cages Step out Of our paper cages Step out Step out of our cages We're living our lives in paper cages Step out Come on! Living our lives in paper cages Living our lives in paper cages Living our lives in paper cages Step out