Lovesick (Scrotal Recall) (2014) s02e04 Episode Script
Liv
So how does this work? Should I just should I pop my trousers on the back of the chair? There's gonna be one ground rule with you.
I know we used to date, but there's to be no hitting on me when you're trying to avoid feelings of discomfort.
So, when you called me, you said there was a girl whose death had affected you.
Okay.
Truth missile I came because it was a good way to see you again.
Ideally, naked.
No.
That was easy.
I can charge you for that and then we can call it a day now that you've got your answer, right? Perfect.
Good.
Luke I'm actually all right at my job, if you wanted to use the rest of the time.
I am going to hate this.
- You don't have to be here.
- No, no.
I do, I I need to be here, but I am going to hate it.
- Hi.
I take it you're the other half.
- I, uh He's my other quarter.
Half would be a lot of pressure.
Thanks for coming.
I needed a second opinion.
Any questions, I'll be outside.
How was your day? - I've been cutting down trees.
- Why? For your job? Have you told me this already? You have.
Garden design.
I tell people where to put plants.
That's the one.
Oh, funny.
- What? - It's a girl I used to know.
She's just texted one word.
"No.
" I just told her she might wanna get tested for, you know She's one of the girls from your list.
I feel close to her already.
So wait, was that "no" as in she's refusing to get tested? Or "no" that she's had the test already and it came back negative? No idea.
Communication was never our strong point.
Whoo-hoo.
Now that is a very romantic-looking plate.
It's all very romantic.
It's difficult to tell.
It's not a conducive atmosphere, is it? Complimentary dinner for the bride, groom, plus four guests.
So, obviously you, me and our parents is the natural wedding six.
Is it, though? It's very ambiguous.
- Thanks for inviting us, anyway.
- Mmm.
Oh, it's our pleasure.
I'm only sorry you can't sample the bedrooms.
Not like that.
We'll just watch a film and get room service breakfast.
We'll probably just get a packet of crisps on the train back, won't we? Duck is a popular choice at weddings held here.
It's like chicken, yet somehow more celebratory.
- Mmm.
- Mmm.
This isn't a plate that says "best day of your life," is it? Not even "best day of the week.
" - Thoughts, Dylan? - Sorry, just, uh, trying Um, I'm meant to be on a date with Liv.
Completely forgot and she's just had some bad news about her dog.
- So just trying to - sort that out.
- Why don't you call her? - She doesn't pick up! Even though her phone's on, 'cause she's texting me those annoying faces.
It drives me mad.
You see, um, Dylan doesn't really do texting, Helen.
He's more of an analog guy.
Analog.
Okay.
Our favorite option had a ballroom for the dancing.
Apparently, this place has a spa.
Who would go for a sauna in the middle of a wedding? There.
"Sorry to hear that.
" Crying face.
And send.
Wish I'd known there was a spare place.
Would've invited her.
Should I just start accosting random waitresses to join us? Maybe have them be my bridesmaids? Definitely get the brunette who brought the starters over.
That is it.
They are off your list.
- Both of them? - Yes.
- Which list were we on? - Best man.
You were short-listed.
- Angus, we'd love to.
- A best man requires certain qualities.
- Which qualities do we lack? - All of them.
You can have my brother.
- I don't like your brother.
- He doesn't think much of you, but you'd do that for me, because I love you.
- At least that's something.
- What does that mean? Love.
You know, the love twixt you and Angus it's extremely moving.
They'll need to get a move on, or they'll miss the train.
They are grown-ups, love.
- Oh, snap! - Snap! More steam? The hotter the better.
"Hotter the better" happens to be my family motto.
It actually is.
Could you handle another ladle? Go for it.
- It's happened! Guys - You're gonna miss your train.
I am in love, okay? It has happened for me in a big way here, guys.
I'm not expecting it, and then bam! Cupid's little sniper shot right to the head.
Brains all over the walls, guys.
This girl is fantastic.
I'll order you a cab.
So, what's she like? She's gorgeous, man.
I mean, I'm talking like like, sweaty gorgeous.
But as a person? I don't know, but there was just a real connection.
- Where did you meet her? - In the sauna just now.
When you say connection, do you actually mean that you were both just nearly naked? Was it like a soul connection? Did it feel like, "Wow, this person really understands me, and I feel the same.
I could really love this person"? - You're confusing me.
- What do you think was going on? Look, all I know is I need to see her again.
- That sounds like love.
- I need to take that bikini off.
That still could be love? Do you even know her name, Luke? No, but she looks good in a bikini and she can handle some serious heat.
Pop all that into LinkedIn, you'll probably track her down.
- Do you think I should stay and find her? - The hotel's booked out.
What if I feel about this girl the way Dylan feels about every girl? - Hey! - I'm in love, guys, all right? I think I'm in love with her! Or I really wanna have sex with her.
You know, I'm confused, look at me.
For the love of God, will you go and get in that taxi? I don't think I want to do that.
I've put our underwear in the top drawer, which is cramped and sticks a little.
- Can you write that down? - Yeah.
I think the hotel with the ballroom will be closest for most people.
Oh, well, that's that decision made.
I'm sorry I've been such a nightmare.
You can have whoever you want as your best man.
No, you make a good point.
Oh.
Daddy ordered two room service orange juices.
Freshly squeezed.
Ooh, nice.
- You've missed your train.
- Ah, we really nearly caught it.
Well, what are you gonna do now? You can't stay here.
I wouldn't sleep a wink.
Can't you sleep? Wide awake.
You want me to help? How? I could rub you.
Where? Which bits of you aren't asleep? All of me.
Okay, that's where I'll start.
What about the others? Try to stay quiet.
Oh, my God.
Holy fuck.
Say what? What are you doing? Can't sleep knowing she's out there, Evelyn.
- All the things that were left unsaid.
- Like what? Mostly innuendos about steam, to be honest.
But good ones, you know.
Why don't you just find her at breakfast? Then it'll look like I bumped into her.
No, this girl needs to know I sought her out.
Yeah, but it's too late for soughting girls, Luke.
This is destiny, mere Evie.
I'm like King Arthur pulling the sword out of the stone.
Only in this case, the sword is actually my penis, and the Yeah, got it.
the stone is her vagina.
Hi, can I help? I sincerely hope so.
I am trying to track down one of your guests.
- Yep.
Do you have a name? - No.
But what I can tell you is, she is gorgeous and boy, does that girl like steam.
Steam generally or Uh, we met in the sauna.
Shall I make a note to have it cleaned? - Woof.
- Sorry.
Inappropriate.
No, no.
Actually, entirely on point with my hopes and expectations.
So, can you help me? Uh, we don't keep photos of guests.
We really do rely on the names.
Fuck! I mean, come on, lady, this is the 21st century! I know.
All right.
Thanks, anyway.
- Can't sleep now.
- Nothing to be done.
Back to bed I come, Helen.
I've spread out.
Get in with Dylan.
Are you after a drink? Well, what I'd really like is to sleep.
Shall I make it a really big drink then? - Sounds good.
- What's keeping you up? Mmm actually, I just had a sex dream about my best mate.
Right, and how was that? He was lying next to me at the time.
Just stop me if I'm asking too many questions, but is it someone you want to sleep with? Ah, well, we we slept together ages ago and now we're friends.
Sort of avoided the question.
Now I'm just pointing that out - in case it's helpful.
- Yep, very helpful.
- Thanks for the catch.
- I'm sorry for prying.
It's been a slow night.
Apart from one guy who came in asking for help stalking people.
The thing about this guy, I just I don't know if he's the type to go from being a friend to something else.
He's just so about the big fireworks and being blown away by the new big thing.
I'm probably not the expert here.
I'm sleeping with a guy where we were friends first, then lovers, but have somehow managed to completely miss there being any kind of spark.
Dylan.
Dylan.
Dylan.
Dylan.
Dyl.
Dylan.
Dylan.
Dylan.
Dyl.
Dylan.
- What's happening? - Fire! Is there a fire? There's no fire.
- Why did someone scream? - It was Luke, in my face.
You startle very easily.
I am trying to get to sleep! I have not managed to sleep yet! Actually, Helen, you have managed to get to sleep, and you snore like a All right! I was trying to wake you quietly.
So, like, shake my arm or something.
Don't loom up into my face.
It's sinister.
This is all besides the point.
I need to find her.
I can't sleep knowing that she's somewhere close by, and not having sex with me.
It's Liv.
"What the hell is wrong with you?" What does that mean? She's asking, "What the hell is wrong with you?" She sounds really pissed off.
There isn't even one of those little, uh, face pictures.
They're called emoticons, Dylan.
It's stressing me out just listening to you.
- Do you even like this girl? - Yeah, I do, actually.
You'll find she's no sauna girl.
I'm putting, "Did I do something wrong?" Sad crying face.
I am negotiating for your reentry as best I can.
I'm not coming back in.
No way.
I've got to find out whether me and this girl have chemistry with clothes on.
- But how? - The old-fashioned way, baby.
Door to door.
I'm gonna smoke her out.
No, no, no, no, no.
- So he's romantic.
- Yes.
- And when you slept together - A long time ago.
But it was good? Mmm really good.
- So, then why don't you just - I don't know.
I don't know.
He used to be so annoying and now he's just not as annoying.
I don't know how that happened.
Is that for room service? No, it's for you.
- Was that - Yeah.
He seems nice.
It's the neck smell, ultimately, isn't it? Either it makes you feel something, or it's just someone's neck.
- What's his like? - A bit stubbly.
Mmm, but he's really nice.
- But you can't invent a spark? - Right.
- So, I should say something.
- Well, is it going to change? I don't think so.
Not for the better.
Yeah, you should probably say something then.
Okay, thanks, number eight.
Cheers.
Please, stop.
The hotel has my credit card.
How else do you suggest I do this? I suggest you don't do it at all! Dylan! She's just written, "Fuck you.
" Luke, what's the emoticon for feeling hurt, but also a bit confused? God, this is exhausting.
Dylan, tell Luke to stop it! Kind of busy here, Angus.
Anyway, what if sauna girl's the one? How many rooms in this hotel? All right, Angus, you're right.
When you're right, you're right.
I'm still doing it.
What? What? Hello, sir.
Sorry to disturb and all that.
- I'm looking for a girl about yea high.
- Are you the police? Mmm, for now let's just say I'm an interested party.
- Is she in your room? - Why would she be in my room? She's not in my room, and I'm trying to narrow things down a bit.
If she was in your room, wouldn't you have arrested her? Believe me, sir, nobody wants to see this girl in handcuffs more than I do.
Oh, well.
I think that went pretty well.
- Let's do it.
- No, no, no, no, no.
Just consider the odds.
Every single room in this massive hotel.
But what are the odds of finding your soulmate? - And if Luke thinks she could be the one - Luke thinks she looks hot in a bikini.
I know that one of you chaps will end up being right about this.
I just honestly couldn't tell you which.
That is why I need to try and find her.
- No, no, no.
- Could you come with me, lads? We've had a complaint.
Already? And then she says to me, "Yes, I could handle another scoop of water.
" Do you see do you see what I'm dealing with here, hotel guy? Crazy.
Hey, okay, so we've established that you've got CCTV.
How do you feel about me reviewing the tapes, see if we can track her down to a specific floor? I don't mind doing the lion's share of the leg work.
Obvs.
- Go to bed! - Yeah.
- And stay in bed! - Bed.
Bed.
I might go to bed, boys, actually.
We were friends and then we were a bit more.
This is really just us taking a step back again to where we were.
We're breaking up? You're a lovely guy, but I'm sorry, I just don't feel that way about you.
There's no spark.
Well, I've got an order for late-night sandwiches I should get on with.
- Steve - I said, "sandwiches.
" Sorry.
I don't think he'll be baking me a birthday cake this year.
- Anyway, over to you.
- How do you mean over to me? I feel like I should return the stop-bullshitting-yourself favor.
What about this friend of yours? Oh - Sorry, look, have you seen Steve? - Uh, yeah, he's around.
He's gone AWOL and we've got room service orders.
If you see him, tell him that either room 504 gets its omelet or he's fired.
I have had it with today.
See how you like this, lady.
What - Fire! - What are you doing? I was just adjusting you.
- Why were you touching me? - You were snoring.
- Is there a fire? - No, I don't think so.
It's just Luke.
- Why do you keep shouting "fire"? - Well, it's the biggest fear, isn't it? Building ablaze, corridors of people trampling all over you, and then you get cold while you wait outside.
You, sir, have just had a brilliant idea.
You, Luke, are banned from the wedding.
Officially! I have had it! Hold that thought.
They're going to fire you! You have to come out of the fridge, Steve! Cheese omelet.
Maybe I could do that.
- We can still be friends.
- You don't need my friendship! You've got your writing and your ambitions.
All I've got is a fridge full of duck fillets and a black hole where my heart used to be.
Chefs, they're emotional people.
Shit! Was that me? You have to come out now, Steve! You can't hide in the fridge in a fire! It's very cold in there.
He might actually be all right.
What do you think? Oh, it's rather comforting when you know it's not for real.
Oh! Thanks, sausage.
Steve? - You have to come out now, Steve! - You're wrong! We did have a spark.
- Any ideas? - Steve? Who's that? Uh, I'm one of the hotel guests.
Oh.
Is this about room service? There's a bit of a backlog at the minute.
No, no, look, um, I just wanted to say that I really feel for you.
It's just two people not really feeling the same way about each other.
Look, now the alarm's going off and she is here instead of going outside because she does care about you.
She just doesn't love you.
And you're one of the guests here? Steve, I wish I felt differently.
I mean, you can't fake it, can you? I mean, it's either not there at all, or it is there even if you don't want it to be.
And you find yourself thinking about them, and the idea of it not working out just makes you feel so What if it goes wrong? What if it doesn't? I never thought I'd feel this way.
You should have said something.
I thought it was me.
You're not the first lesbians to break my heart, you know.
- Have you spotted her yet? - No.
There you are.
We were wondering where you were.
There she is.
Hi, there.
All right? Fire alarm, eh? Maybe someone tried that fourth scoop of water, pushed it too far.
Yeah.
Maybe.
Yeah.
Fuck.
Yeah, probably, actually.
It's probably what happened, isn't it? Okay, then.
- No.
- No what? No connection, no chemistry, nothing special.
She's not the one? No, no, I think it was just the fact we were both nearly naked, but, uh, good to have that cleared up, though.
You have got to be joking.
Oh, good, should we head in and get some shut eye? I am absolutely pooped.
Goodness.
What? She says she never wants to talk to me again.
What the hell is her problem? Mmm.
Your last text message to her was, "Did I do something wrong?" Laughing face.
What? No, no, no.
That's a crying face.
Look at the tears.
Yeah, no, those are tears of joy, dude.
The little fella's He's crying with laughter.
So so when she said, "My dog's sick.
" You found it hysterical.
Yeah.
Where does this leave me? What does it mean? Do you care? You know what, I I don't think I do.
There you are, then.
That's what it means.
She's right.
It's just the drinks.
The room was complimentary.
Oh, thank you.
We enjoyed it very much.
Would you be happy to sign a contract for the venue hire now? Oh, I think that would be a bit premature.
We have CCTV footage of one of your friends triggering the alarm last night.
It's a ã2,000 fine.
- And you have - Your credit card details, yes.
And that ã2,000 fine Can all go away when you sign up for our deluxe wedding package.
- Deluxe? - With all the trimmings.
- Expensive trimmings? - Better value than the fine.
Do you have a pen? Hi, can I leave my e-mail for the girl behind the bar last night? Of course.
Finished? - Thanks.
- Thanks.
- Shall we go? - Hope you enjoyed your visit! Well the hour's nearly up.
How was it? Pretty much about as bad as I thought it would be, actually.
Yeah, so it's nice to have my expectations met.
I know you seem like you're more comfortable with surface feelings, but when you just slow down and talk you've got a lot more to offer than just a pretty face, Luke.
I'll see you next week.
I can see me living here.
- What do you think? - I can see you living here, too.
Mmm.
You smell of grass clippings.
- Yeah, sorry about that.
- No.
I like it.
I know we used to date, but there's to be no hitting on me when you're trying to avoid feelings of discomfort.
So, when you called me, you said there was a girl whose death had affected you.
Okay.
Truth missile I came because it was a good way to see you again.
Ideally, naked.
No.
That was easy.
I can charge you for that and then we can call it a day now that you've got your answer, right? Perfect.
Good.
Luke I'm actually all right at my job, if you wanted to use the rest of the time.
I am going to hate this.
- You don't have to be here.
- No, no.
I do, I I need to be here, but I am going to hate it.
- Hi.
I take it you're the other half.
- I, uh He's my other quarter.
Half would be a lot of pressure.
Thanks for coming.
I needed a second opinion.
Any questions, I'll be outside.
How was your day? - I've been cutting down trees.
- Why? For your job? Have you told me this already? You have.
Garden design.
I tell people where to put plants.
That's the one.
Oh, funny.
- What? - It's a girl I used to know.
She's just texted one word.
"No.
" I just told her she might wanna get tested for, you know She's one of the girls from your list.
I feel close to her already.
So wait, was that "no" as in she's refusing to get tested? Or "no" that she's had the test already and it came back negative? No idea.
Communication was never our strong point.
Whoo-hoo.
Now that is a very romantic-looking plate.
It's all very romantic.
It's difficult to tell.
It's not a conducive atmosphere, is it? Complimentary dinner for the bride, groom, plus four guests.
So, obviously you, me and our parents is the natural wedding six.
Is it, though? It's very ambiguous.
- Thanks for inviting us, anyway.
- Mmm.
Oh, it's our pleasure.
I'm only sorry you can't sample the bedrooms.
Not like that.
We'll just watch a film and get room service breakfast.
We'll probably just get a packet of crisps on the train back, won't we? Duck is a popular choice at weddings held here.
It's like chicken, yet somehow more celebratory.
- Mmm.
- Mmm.
This isn't a plate that says "best day of your life," is it? Not even "best day of the week.
" - Thoughts, Dylan? - Sorry, just, uh, trying Um, I'm meant to be on a date with Liv.
Completely forgot and she's just had some bad news about her dog.
- So just trying to - sort that out.
- Why don't you call her? - She doesn't pick up! Even though her phone's on, 'cause she's texting me those annoying faces.
It drives me mad.
You see, um, Dylan doesn't really do texting, Helen.
He's more of an analog guy.
Analog.
Okay.
Our favorite option had a ballroom for the dancing.
Apparently, this place has a spa.
Who would go for a sauna in the middle of a wedding? There.
"Sorry to hear that.
" Crying face.
And send.
Wish I'd known there was a spare place.
Would've invited her.
Should I just start accosting random waitresses to join us? Maybe have them be my bridesmaids? Definitely get the brunette who brought the starters over.
That is it.
They are off your list.
- Both of them? - Yes.
- Which list were we on? - Best man.
You were short-listed.
- Angus, we'd love to.
- A best man requires certain qualities.
- Which qualities do we lack? - All of them.
You can have my brother.
- I don't like your brother.
- He doesn't think much of you, but you'd do that for me, because I love you.
- At least that's something.
- What does that mean? Love.
You know, the love twixt you and Angus it's extremely moving.
They'll need to get a move on, or they'll miss the train.
They are grown-ups, love.
- Oh, snap! - Snap! More steam? The hotter the better.
"Hotter the better" happens to be my family motto.
It actually is.
Could you handle another ladle? Go for it.
- It's happened! Guys - You're gonna miss your train.
I am in love, okay? It has happened for me in a big way here, guys.
I'm not expecting it, and then bam! Cupid's little sniper shot right to the head.
Brains all over the walls, guys.
This girl is fantastic.
I'll order you a cab.
So, what's she like? She's gorgeous, man.
I mean, I'm talking like like, sweaty gorgeous.
But as a person? I don't know, but there was just a real connection.
- Where did you meet her? - In the sauna just now.
When you say connection, do you actually mean that you were both just nearly naked? Was it like a soul connection? Did it feel like, "Wow, this person really understands me, and I feel the same.
I could really love this person"? - You're confusing me.
- What do you think was going on? Look, all I know is I need to see her again.
- That sounds like love.
- I need to take that bikini off.
That still could be love? Do you even know her name, Luke? No, but she looks good in a bikini and she can handle some serious heat.
Pop all that into LinkedIn, you'll probably track her down.
- Do you think I should stay and find her? - The hotel's booked out.
What if I feel about this girl the way Dylan feels about every girl? - Hey! - I'm in love, guys, all right? I think I'm in love with her! Or I really wanna have sex with her.
You know, I'm confused, look at me.
For the love of God, will you go and get in that taxi? I don't think I want to do that.
I've put our underwear in the top drawer, which is cramped and sticks a little.
- Can you write that down? - Yeah.
I think the hotel with the ballroom will be closest for most people.
Oh, well, that's that decision made.
I'm sorry I've been such a nightmare.
You can have whoever you want as your best man.
No, you make a good point.
Oh.
Daddy ordered two room service orange juices.
Freshly squeezed.
Ooh, nice.
- You've missed your train.
- Ah, we really nearly caught it.
Well, what are you gonna do now? You can't stay here.
I wouldn't sleep a wink.
Can't you sleep? Wide awake.
You want me to help? How? I could rub you.
Where? Which bits of you aren't asleep? All of me.
Okay, that's where I'll start.
What about the others? Try to stay quiet.
Oh, my God.
Holy fuck.
Say what? What are you doing? Can't sleep knowing she's out there, Evelyn.
- All the things that were left unsaid.
- Like what? Mostly innuendos about steam, to be honest.
But good ones, you know.
Why don't you just find her at breakfast? Then it'll look like I bumped into her.
No, this girl needs to know I sought her out.
Yeah, but it's too late for soughting girls, Luke.
This is destiny, mere Evie.
I'm like King Arthur pulling the sword out of the stone.
Only in this case, the sword is actually my penis, and the Yeah, got it.
the stone is her vagina.
Hi, can I help? I sincerely hope so.
I am trying to track down one of your guests.
- Yep.
Do you have a name? - No.
But what I can tell you is, she is gorgeous and boy, does that girl like steam.
Steam generally or Uh, we met in the sauna.
Shall I make a note to have it cleaned? - Woof.
- Sorry.
Inappropriate.
No, no.
Actually, entirely on point with my hopes and expectations.
So, can you help me? Uh, we don't keep photos of guests.
We really do rely on the names.
Fuck! I mean, come on, lady, this is the 21st century! I know.
All right.
Thanks, anyway.
- Can't sleep now.
- Nothing to be done.
Back to bed I come, Helen.
I've spread out.
Get in with Dylan.
Are you after a drink? Well, what I'd really like is to sleep.
Shall I make it a really big drink then? - Sounds good.
- What's keeping you up? Mmm actually, I just had a sex dream about my best mate.
Right, and how was that? He was lying next to me at the time.
Just stop me if I'm asking too many questions, but is it someone you want to sleep with? Ah, well, we we slept together ages ago and now we're friends.
Sort of avoided the question.
Now I'm just pointing that out - in case it's helpful.
- Yep, very helpful.
- Thanks for the catch.
- I'm sorry for prying.
It's been a slow night.
Apart from one guy who came in asking for help stalking people.
The thing about this guy, I just I don't know if he's the type to go from being a friend to something else.
He's just so about the big fireworks and being blown away by the new big thing.
I'm probably not the expert here.
I'm sleeping with a guy where we were friends first, then lovers, but have somehow managed to completely miss there being any kind of spark.
Dylan.
Dylan.
Dylan.
Dylan.
Dyl.
Dylan.
Dylan.
Dylan.
Dyl.
Dylan.
- What's happening? - Fire! Is there a fire? There's no fire.
- Why did someone scream? - It was Luke, in my face.
You startle very easily.
I am trying to get to sleep! I have not managed to sleep yet! Actually, Helen, you have managed to get to sleep, and you snore like a All right! I was trying to wake you quietly.
So, like, shake my arm or something.
Don't loom up into my face.
It's sinister.
This is all besides the point.
I need to find her.
I can't sleep knowing that she's somewhere close by, and not having sex with me.
It's Liv.
"What the hell is wrong with you?" What does that mean? She's asking, "What the hell is wrong with you?" She sounds really pissed off.
There isn't even one of those little, uh, face pictures.
They're called emoticons, Dylan.
It's stressing me out just listening to you.
- Do you even like this girl? - Yeah, I do, actually.
You'll find she's no sauna girl.
I'm putting, "Did I do something wrong?" Sad crying face.
I am negotiating for your reentry as best I can.
I'm not coming back in.
No way.
I've got to find out whether me and this girl have chemistry with clothes on.
- But how? - The old-fashioned way, baby.
Door to door.
I'm gonna smoke her out.
No, no, no, no, no.
- So he's romantic.
- Yes.
- And when you slept together - A long time ago.
But it was good? Mmm really good.
- So, then why don't you just - I don't know.
I don't know.
He used to be so annoying and now he's just not as annoying.
I don't know how that happened.
Is that for room service? No, it's for you.
- Was that - Yeah.
He seems nice.
It's the neck smell, ultimately, isn't it? Either it makes you feel something, or it's just someone's neck.
- What's his like? - A bit stubbly.
Mmm, but he's really nice.
- But you can't invent a spark? - Right.
- So, I should say something.
- Well, is it going to change? I don't think so.
Not for the better.
Yeah, you should probably say something then.
Okay, thanks, number eight.
Cheers.
Please, stop.
The hotel has my credit card.
How else do you suggest I do this? I suggest you don't do it at all! Dylan! She's just written, "Fuck you.
" Luke, what's the emoticon for feeling hurt, but also a bit confused? God, this is exhausting.
Dylan, tell Luke to stop it! Kind of busy here, Angus.
Anyway, what if sauna girl's the one? How many rooms in this hotel? All right, Angus, you're right.
When you're right, you're right.
I'm still doing it.
What? What? Hello, sir.
Sorry to disturb and all that.
- I'm looking for a girl about yea high.
- Are you the police? Mmm, for now let's just say I'm an interested party.
- Is she in your room? - Why would she be in my room? She's not in my room, and I'm trying to narrow things down a bit.
If she was in your room, wouldn't you have arrested her? Believe me, sir, nobody wants to see this girl in handcuffs more than I do.
Oh, well.
I think that went pretty well.
- Let's do it.
- No, no, no, no, no.
Just consider the odds.
Every single room in this massive hotel.
But what are the odds of finding your soulmate? - And if Luke thinks she could be the one - Luke thinks she looks hot in a bikini.
I know that one of you chaps will end up being right about this.
I just honestly couldn't tell you which.
That is why I need to try and find her.
- No, no, no.
- Could you come with me, lads? We've had a complaint.
Already? And then she says to me, "Yes, I could handle another scoop of water.
" Do you see do you see what I'm dealing with here, hotel guy? Crazy.
Hey, okay, so we've established that you've got CCTV.
How do you feel about me reviewing the tapes, see if we can track her down to a specific floor? I don't mind doing the lion's share of the leg work.
Obvs.
- Go to bed! - Yeah.
- And stay in bed! - Bed.
Bed.
I might go to bed, boys, actually.
We were friends and then we were a bit more.
This is really just us taking a step back again to where we were.
We're breaking up? You're a lovely guy, but I'm sorry, I just don't feel that way about you.
There's no spark.
Well, I've got an order for late-night sandwiches I should get on with.
- Steve - I said, "sandwiches.
" Sorry.
I don't think he'll be baking me a birthday cake this year.
- Anyway, over to you.
- How do you mean over to me? I feel like I should return the stop-bullshitting-yourself favor.
What about this friend of yours? Oh - Sorry, look, have you seen Steve? - Uh, yeah, he's around.
He's gone AWOL and we've got room service orders.
If you see him, tell him that either room 504 gets its omelet or he's fired.
I have had it with today.
See how you like this, lady.
What - Fire! - What are you doing? I was just adjusting you.
- Why were you touching me? - You were snoring.
- Is there a fire? - No, I don't think so.
It's just Luke.
- Why do you keep shouting "fire"? - Well, it's the biggest fear, isn't it? Building ablaze, corridors of people trampling all over you, and then you get cold while you wait outside.
You, sir, have just had a brilliant idea.
You, Luke, are banned from the wedding.
Officially! I have had it! Hold that thought.
They're going to fire you! You have to come out of the fridge, Steve! Cheese omelet.
Maybe I could do that.
- We can still be friends.
- You don't need my friendship! You've got your writing and your ambitions.
All I've got is a fridge full of duck fillets and a black hole where my heart used to be.
Chefs, they're emotional people.
Shit! Was that me? You have to come out now, Steve! You can't hide in the fridge in a fire! It's very cold in there.
He might actually be all right.
What do you think? Oh, it's rather comforting when you know it's not for real.
Oh! Thanks, sausage.
Steve? - You have to come out now, Steve! - You're wrong! We did have a spark.
- Any ideas? - Steve? Who's that? Uh, I'm one of the hotel guests.
Oh.
Is this about room service? There's a bit of a backlog at the minute.
No, no, look, um, I just wanted to say that I really feel for you.
It's just two people not really feeling the same way about each other.
Look, now the alarm's going off and she is here instead of going outside because she does care about you.
She just doesn't love you.
And you're one of the guests here? Steve, I wish I felt differently.
I mean, you can't fake it, can you? I mean, it's either not there at all, or it is there even if you don't want it to be.
And you find yourself thinking about them, and the idea of it not working out just makes you feel so What if it goes wrong? What if it doesn't? I never thought I'd feel this way.
You should have said something.
I thought it was me.
You're not the first lesbians to break my heart, you know.
- Have you spotted her yet? - No.
There you are.
We were wondering where you were.
There she is.
Hi, there.
All right? Fire alarm, eh? Maybe someone tried that fourth scoop of water, pushed it too far.
Yeah.
Maybe.
Yeah.
Fuck.
Yeah, probably, actually.
It's probably what happened, isn't it? Okay, then.
- No.
- No what? No connection, no chemistry, nothing special.
She's not the one? No, no, I think it was just the fact we were both nearly naked, but, uh, good to have that cleared up, though.
You have got to be joking.
Oh, good, should we head in and get some shut eye? I am absolutely pooped.
Goodness.
What? She says she never wants to talk to me again.
What the hell is her problem? Mmm.
Your last text message to her was, "Did I do something wrong?" Laughing face.
What? No, no, no.
That's a crying face.
Look at the tears.
Yeah, no, those are tears of joy, dude.
The little fella's He's crying with laughter.
So so when she said, "My dog's sick.
" You found it hysterical.
Yeah.
Where does this leave me? What does it mean? Do you care? You know what, I I don't think I do.
There you are, then.
That's what it means.
She's right.
It's just the drinks.
The room was complimentary.
Oh, thank you.
We enjoyed it very much.
Would you be happy to sign a contract for the venue hire now? Oh, I think that would be a bit premature.
We have CCTV footage of one of your friends triggering the alarm last night.
It's a ã2,000 fine.
- And you have - Your credit card details, yes.
And that ã2,000 fine Can all go away when you sign up for our deluxe wedding package.
- Deluxe? - With all the trimmings.
- Expensive trimmings? - Better value than the fine.
Do you have a pen? Hi, can I leave my e-mail for the girl behind the bar last night? Of course.
Finished? - Thanks.
- Thanks.
- Shall we go? - Hope you enjoyed your visit! Well the hour's nearly up.
How was it? Pretty much about as bad as I thought it would be, actually.
Yeah, so it's nice to have my expectations met.
I know you seem like you're more comfortable with surface feelings, but when you just slow down and talk you've got a lot more to offer than just a pretty face, Luke.
I'll see you next week.
I can see me living here.
- What do you think? - I can see you living here, too.
Mmm.
You smell of grass clippings.
- Yeah, sorry about that.
- No.
I like it.