Lunch Monkeys (2009) s02e04 Episode Script

Ken-dog where are you? He'll be back in time.
He knows not to be late for work.
What if he's run off or been sold into slavery? You hear these stories.
My friend's cousin got eaten by a whale.
Or was that a dream? And then I was sick on Brian May's face.
THEY LAUGH Oh, God Sorry about that.
No worries, Kensington.
Maybe just try not to dribble so much next time.
Sorry, I don't normally, erm So, the flyers 300 copies by lunchtime, yeah? The last one was wicked.
Er, yeah, yeah.
Of course.
Yeah.
Oh-oh-oh-oh! Asif, you need to calm down.
He's only been on tour a week.
Oh, look at you, Mrs Cool, as if you've not missed him.
To be honest, I've been so busy, I've barely even noticed he's not been there.
KENNY! Oh, Kenny, I've missed you! Wow, Kenny's girlfriend's weird-looking.
THEY LAUGH ♪ Ba-ba-ba, ba-ba ♪ Ba-ba, ba-ba.
Ba-ba, ba-ba ♪ Ba-ba-ba, ba-ba ♪ Ba-ba-ba, ba-ba ♪ So, these thinking hats will help us think about who we want to be in the workplace.
To be more responsible and motivated Darrel, what is it? Darrel stinks! Shelley's being mean.
I'm white hat.
I state facts.
That's not a This is a stupid game.
Stop getting so upset.
Er Red hat, Tania.
Feelings and emotions.
Right, Can anyone remember why I'm wearing the blue hat? Are you a Smurf? No.
Aw, I love those little blue guys.
Is it something to do with nits? No.
It is because it is my job to calmly organise the team.
Now, where is Kenny? Toilet.
Well, can you go and get him, please? Sorry, Tania, but a man can't disturb another man about his business.
He's right.
There's a code.
and Tania's getting angry, and people are getting less motivated, so Tania's getting more angry.
It's just a vicious circle.
I'm just finishing this.
Man, I've missed you.
Last week was so dull, I imagined what it'd be like if you'd died.
Like in a car crash, or hit by a truck.
All mangled and your guts everywhere.
Man, I'd be so bored.
I'm sure you'd get through it.
Mmm, I would.
I would get through it.
They might recruit someone else and they might be a laugh.
Maybe even better than you! See.
Every cloud.
Mmm.
We need to go for lunch, man.
I can't.
There's a new game at the arcade - Zombie Hellraisers.
I'm the best at it.
Even better than you, even though you've not played it yet.
Not bad, Kensington, not bad at all.
Wow, she's fit! Is she the one you were seeing before Tania? I was never really seeing her.
As I understand it, Kenny, you made love to her at least once.
Yeah Well, I wasn't counting, so So, why have you got a picture of her then? Because she's in the band.
Hence the guitar.
You left me, and Tania, to go on tour with this sexy lady?! Man, that's bad.
I bet Tania's not happy about it either.
Tania's fine.
You've not told her, have you? No.
Look, Kenny, I'm a simple man, but if there's one thing I do know, it's that lying is sometimes bad.
I didn't lie.
Come with me.
OK, team, I hope you've all done your homework.
Remember we were going to be talking about your dreams, your ambitions.
So, who wants to go first? Pink hat.
Asif.
This is really freaky.
Last night, I dreamed that I had Corn Flakes in a bowl with a tiger on it.
And guess what? This morning, I did! It's all coming true, but you'd better watch out because at the end, the office was invaded by crocodiles from the future.
Asif Wow, crocodiles from the future! What were they like? Scaly.
Er Long tail and big teeth.
So they're pretty much like the crocodiles we have now? Yeah.
Did they eat you? No, they were really friendly.
They helped collect the post.
I wanted you to think about your ambitions.
Your goals.
To be honest, I think those ARE his goals.
I have a recurring dream.
Oh, can we keep to the training? This is going to be mad.
Proper mental.
Get this right.
I'm in the flat Our flat.
I've been there! I'm doing the ironing.
Wicked! Kinky.
I do some shirts.
Move on to the trousers.
Do a little jumper.
Turn the temperature down so I don't damage it, and finish off with the hankies.
Not quite as exciting as what I imagined.
I liked the bit about the jumper.
I wanted your dreams for the future.
Not future crocodiles and ironing.
Your five-year life plans.
Like mine.
Colour-coded.
Erm Qualify as paralegal.
Get Law degree.
Er, UK city break with Kenny.
Meet Kenny's mum.
Cos we've not done that yet.
Kind of think we should have by now.
Get a flat.
Just renting.
Oh, foreign holiday.
Probably Lanzarote.
BABY CRIES I want more chocolate milk! CRYING CONTINUES What? I want more chocolate milk.
Yellow hatKenny? Have you done your plan? I did text you about it.
I have no future.
What?! Yeah, you do! I've done mine.
Ah.
Red hat Darrel.
Well done.
Star pupil.
.
.
At least someone's listening to me.
What have you got for your goals? Goal number one.
Post-room supervisor.
That's MY job.
Yeah.
After you've left.
Oh.
OK.
Well, we'll put that down for mid-to-long-term then, shall we? It's short-term.
Er OK, maybe just tell me what you've got for mid-term then.
Gloria's job.
Hiya.
Hi, Gloria.
.
.
Don't say anything.
Sorry, Tania, you're going to have to rearrange.
Massive panic.
Auditors are in.
How come? Wild guess.
To do an audit? Mike's going loopy.
Someone forgot to put it in his diary.
Huh Aren't YOU in charge of his diary? It's not as simple as that, Tania.
So, erm, how did your silly little session go? I completely got it.
If I wear this hat, I work hard.
Take it off, nothing.
It's all coming true.
Those bushes were in my dream! There are bushes in my dreams too.
I bet there are, you filthy get! What are they about? Some sixth sense tells me it's unpleasant.
It's in the woods.
Told you.
Disgusting.
Probably dogging.
There are no dogs, there's animals Urgh, sick.
Stop it! Keep going.
I don't want to talk about it.
It's too embarrassing.
Bloody hell, it must be bad! It's so unfair, why can't I have exciting dreams? I'm always ironing.
I know the secret of controlling dreams.
Whatever food you eat at bedtime decides what kind of dreams you have.
No way! Apples, happy dreams.
Toast, happy dreams.
Biscuits and sweets, happy dreams.
You want exciting dreams? Candles You can't eat candles.
All right, cheese.
I've heard that.
Really strong cheese though.
Like that stuff Gloria has.
Gloria's stinky cheese.
She gave me some once.
The things I dreamed about that night do not even exist.
Oi! What the hell are you doing out here? Come on, We've got auditors to worry about.
When I'm in charge, we'll have assistants doing it for us.
Would they be monkeys, Darrel? Possibly.
Monkey assistants.
Wow! He's got it all planned.
I have.
I've got your future all mapped out.
Not you as well.
I'm not going on a city break with you.
Vote for Darrel.
Vote for change.
Vote for a knobhead.
Bloody caught you! What are you doing? What are YOU doing? Just a spot of copying.
300 copies? More than a spot.
Yeah, well, it's a big trial.
Bloody big.
Like my balls.
Get out of my way.
Phwoar! That's fit.
Yeah, bit of an ex, actually.
Name? Becky.
You won't believe this, but I don't actually have a B or a R.
Or is it a R? Hmmm What? Tell me you've played Alphabetti-shaggetti? What are you, some kind of sweaty homo? Yeah.
Tell you what, give me her numberand we'll forget all this copying your personal shit thing.
Man of your age, I don't think you could handle it.
How's your missus going to feel when she finds out you've been printing sexy pics for your delicious ex? On her management code, I presume? She'll be fine.
I doubt it.
And I'll tell you something Florence And The Machine I've got some files in a right old mess and I need some clown to sort them out for me before the auditors get me.
Look after your Uncle Charlie, and I'll make sure the T woman never knows about these sordid details.
I'm not doing it.
Ah, Tania.
How delightful to see you.
What are you doing up here, babes? I've just, er, come up here to ermhelp Charlie with his filing for the audit.
What?! We're bombed out in that post room.
I need you down there, not helping this Loveable rogue? Cock.
Why don't you just take her out for lunch somewhere posh? Always worked for me Oh! I have had just about enough of you, you slimy git! Get away from me! MOBILE PHONE BLEEPS Who's that? Oh, it's no-one.
Right You CAN take me for lunch.
But that's just the start.
I've not forgiven you yet.
What's up with you? I feel really under appreciated in my job, Gloria.
Tell me about it.
You work your fingers to the bone.
Literally.
You get in to work early every day, ten to nine.
Do I ask for any thanks? No.
You forget one little audit, and suddenly, you're mud.
He'd be completely lost without me.
He thinks he runs this place, but he doesn't.
You know who does, don't ya? Is it you? Of course it's me! He may be the wheel, but I'm the grease.
That's exactly how I feel.
I'm grease too.
But I want to be a wheel.
I'd be a much better wheel than Tania.
SHE LAUGHS Dyslexic Denise? She may be a bike, but she's certainly no wheel.
You need to get on, Darrel.
On Tania's bike? No, push yourself forward.
Fight dirty, Darrel.
I didn't get all this without stabbing a few Tania MacGuires in the back.
Ooh, I'm not stabbing anyone.
No Auditors are in today, to see a select few personnel.
I could have a little word.
You could have a big word.
Gather some evidence.
Bob's your uncle.
And all thanks to your Auntie Gloria.
Oh And I suppose you'd want a little something in return? That's right, Darrel.
Tuna baguette, extra mayo.
Now.
Right.
Baguette.
Right, it's in here.
I'll keep a look out.
How will I know which cheese is Gloria's? Oh, you'll know.
Oh, my God! That cannot be food.
Aw, I can smell that from here! That'll sort you some wicked dreams out.
Can't wait to get stuck in.
Can't wait to get stuck into what? Fridges.
Er, cleaning out the fridges.
Yes.
Why? You know, just in case the auditors check them, so Mm.
About time somebody did.
Fridges in this place are a right disgrace.
What's that smell? Sorry.
Oh! Nice one, look-out! Cheers.
What?! Forget the fridges, Shelley.
They're not doing a milk audit.
Just get back here as quick as you can.
.
.
I cannot believe she's messing around with fridges when we've got all this to do.
Yeah.
That's bad.
What's the worst thing about Shelley? She's unreliable.
Why today? She knows how busy we are.
And what's the worst thing about Asif? He's childish.
No concentration.
You ask him to do filing, he'll be up on the roof playing Jackie Chan.
And that's a breach of Health and Safety.
Yeah.
Yup.
And what's the worst thing about Kenny? He dribbles in his sleep.
It's mingin'.
I can't help that! Darrel, what ya doing? Just trying to help.
God! You're always having a go, aren't you? You're so aggressive.
HE MOUTHS MOBILE PHONE BLEEPS Oi! Where do you think you're going, shaggy? I need to deliver my flyers.
Ah, dirty band girl.
Brilliant, I'll come with you.
You can introduce me and together, we can find a rare groove.
I don't think that's a good idea.
Well, get back to work then.
Listen, Charles, I know you're a solicitor, but you can't stop me from going on my lunch, so Yo, Ken-dog! It's about time! I hope you got a lot of coins.
I'm going to whoop your skinny ass.
What? I need those files sorted, otherwise, I'm yesterday's toast.
Do you understand? Listen, I'm not doing it.
I've had enough and you can't make me.
An hour of raising hell with zombies.
Gonna be wicked.
I can't.
What? You promised me! If you don't, I will never Hush baby girl.
Daddy's talking.
Will the pair of you MOBILE RINGS Hello! Hiya Becky.
Yeah, look, yeah, I've done the flyers.
Yeah, I'm on my way.
I'm on Listen, I can't.
I'll have to come later.
I've gotta go to the arcade.
Yep, yeah, well, it's a long story.
Ah.
Look who it is.
Yeah, look, I've gotta go.
I've gotta go! Yeah! Why don't you show her what's in the bag, post boy? Listen.
If you say anything, she'll only hit you again.
It's worth the risk.
Ho! Tania! Come and see what Kenny's got.
All right, I'll do your filing when I get back.
What an excellent choice, knobber.
Bastard.
What've you got? Just erm Just a little kiss.
I am really looking forward to our romantic lunch.
I've had a nightmare morning.
You can tell me about your trip.
But if there were any girls, I'll cut your balls off! I'm only messing.
Zombie Hellraiser.
Listen, let's go out tonight, if your proper tied up with your audit.
No, it's fine.
I have worked my bollocks off this morning so we get lunch.
Talk about the life plan.
Have you done yours yet? I don't think so, lady.
Kenny's going to lunch with me.
What? I have been looking forward to this lunch all morning and I'm not letting you ruin my plans.
Kenny, you gotta choose.
Who do you like more, me or Tania? TEXT ALERT TONE So, did I tell you, Susan went to Newcastle for Coach trip, brilliant.
We could go to the footy! Asif! We're talking about our UK city break! UK city breaks are boring! Kenny said so.
I never said that.
You never let him do anything he wants.
What you mean is, I don't let him do anything you want.
But you see, Kenny is not a child any more.
He's a grown up.
Apparently, I'm still not allowed to speak for myself.
Zombie Hellraisers is free.
Let's go! Asif, we're talking.
About life plans? Hmmm.
And coaches.
Yeah.
Talking's boring.
Let's play.
Why don't you go and play? He's not finished his food yet.
He can multitask.
You taught us that! Apparently, men can't actually multitask.
Hurry up, Kenny.
We're running out of lunch hour.
I don't want to rush, I'll get indigestion.
TEXT ALERT TONE Will you put your phone away? I have to go.
You've not finished your food and I paid for that.
You'll get indigestion.
This is the worst romantic lunch I have ever been on.
Worst Zombie Hellraising I've ever done.
Right, I'm off! All right, Kensington? Got the flyers? Hope you didn't get in trouble with your boss.
Oh, my God, you've made me look so cool! He's so talented.
Check it out.
So So Becky Becky's in Brian's band? Your ex-girlfriend is in Brian's band.
The same band you've just been on tour with.
She's not my ex.
Kenny! Why would you keep that from me? I said she'd be mad when she found out.
What? You knew? Urgh This had better work.
One more dream about ironing and, swear to God, I'll kill someone.
Tania? Shut up, Darrel.
When I'm post room supervisor and living in a palace with Mike, you'll still be robbing cheese from the office fridges.
I've gotta do something.
All right, come on.
Tell us about your dream.
I can take it.
Really? OK, so, I'm in a field and I've got a blanket and I'm with you lot.
All of us? Hmmm, worse than I thought.
Only you're not you.
You're all bears.
Little teddy bears, but with your faces.
And I'm serving you tea and we eat some cake.
I'm sorry, it's just weird, isn't it? I shouldn't have said.
It's quite sweet.
Yeah.
Hang on.
Do you have sex with the bears? Yeah.
So, where's Kenny? Don't know.
Don't care.
He's ran away.
She wouldn't let him play Zombie Hellraisers.
I'd have let him play Zombie Hellraisers.
Even if he'd been on tour with his ex-girlfriend and not told you? Yep.
You know, there is an alternative to the iron fist of Tania's dictatorship.
Tania's got an iron fist? If I was supervisor, I would buy you sweets every day.
Seriously? When the signal comes, be ready to join the revolution.
That's the signal.
Cool.
Excuse me.
Sorry to interrupt, but we're here for the audit.
Just need to speak to a member of the team.
Pick me! I'm sorry, that person is chosen at random.
That is so unfair.
Tuna baguette for nothing.
We're looking for a Darrel Wadsworth.
Yes! Get in! And so it begins.
Would you like to come this way? Oh, yes.
So very, very much.
Do I get my sweets now? Are you sure this is all right? Yes, absolutely standard business practice.
You see files gather paper mites.
Nasty little blighters.
You have to get rid of them, give them an airing.
I thought we were doing it so you don't get in the shit.
Shut up, hippy.
What's wrong with you, anyway? You look as if you've had your cock eaten by ants.
What does that even mean? Miserable.
Like you've had your cock had been eaten by ants.
Romantic lunch not go to plan? That's private.
Listen to your Uncle Charlie.
Remember, I've been there, I feel your pain, but if there's one thing that's guaranteed cast iron to melt their simple little hearts Jelly Babies.
Jelly Babies? Satisfies all their primal instincts.
Sweets and babies.
Can't go wrong.
Down! You hiding from the paper mites? Thank you for your time, Mr Wadsworth.
This should only take a minute.
Just a few standard Ho-ho! Au contraire, Monsieur Auditeure.
Methinks it'll take a little longer than that.
I can't believe he never told me he went on tour with her.
That is pretty bad.
And then he takes me for a romantic meal with Asif.
How disrespectful is that? Yeah.
And he doesn't care about my motivational exercises.
He hasn't even asked me about my five-year life plan.
I don't know what to think.
Tania! You've given your boyfriend a colour-coded timetable, planning out his whole frigging life.
Have you any idea how mental that is? You don't need all that crap.
You're a good girlfriend and a super visor.
You just need to be yourself.
Actually, don't.
Just try and chill out a bit, instead.
In fact, why don't you pencil it in, eh? Chi-i-i-i-i-ill out.
You know, maybe your right.
Thanks, Shelley.
Is there anything I can do for you? Have you got any Rennies? I think I've had too much cheese.
And that was the moment the crocodiles hatched.
Are you even listening to me? That's Webbo and Rizzler and that's Alan.
Hello, Kenny! I am going to set you on fire.
Comrades, can I have your attention, please? The moment of truth is upon us.
Asif.
Sorry.
Kenny, why are you being such a knob? You've upset Tania and now you're ignoring Asif? I'm not.
I'm ignoring Darrel.
What you doing up there, Darrel? I'm trying to offer an end to oppression.
Great, count me in.
Right, thank you! So, I, Darrel, who was chosen by the auditors to speak out against the bullying and the mismanagement of the current regime, yes, that's you, Tania, has produced a list of demands.
Here we go.
One Kenny, you've been ignoring me all day.
You're not even listening to my dream.
This is the best bit.
Of course I'm listening.
A post room free from rotas.
What was he jabbering on about? I wasn't.
Two - unlimited cigarette leave for all.
What was I dreaming about? A pig on a bus? That was two weeks ago! And finally, ergonomic chairs.
It means comfy.
Who's with me? OK, everyone, I know it's been a bit hard today and we've been dead busy and the whole hat thing was a bit crap, so I got you these.
Sweets! Free sweets! Over here, people! Revolution this way.
Asif? Sorry Darrel, she's got sweets.
Fizzy ones.
We'll have sweets every day in my world! Don't be deceived.
Choose Darrel Wadsworth.
Choose life.
Tania.
I'm really sorry.
And I've been a complete tool.
I shouldn't have gone on tour and I won't see Becky or the band again.
And to say sorry, I got you these.
Jelly Babies? I wonder who gave you that idea.
Kenny, you're an idiot.
I don't want you to stop doing the band stuff and I don't want your stupid Jelly Babies.
I'll have 'em.
What I want is for you to be honest with me.
See I thought you were better than Charlie, but you know what? I think I was wrong.
You can't reason with a tyrant.
Join with me, brother.
Solidarity! Well, maybe I was wrong to go out with somebody whose got a colour-coded life plan.
What is wrong with a colour-coded life plan? Tania, what's RIGHT about them?! I wish someone would give me a colour-coded life plan.
Asif! Don't listen to the traitor.
Judas.
Everyone shut up! I have had enough.
Right.
In an effort to resolve our disputes and to make sure the post gets out before five, we need to sort our differences, once and for all.
And so to the issue of compensation.
Tania has already given us sweets.
So Darrel, Kenny, you need to make good, to Asif and Tania.
I want a trip to a spa.
Not the shop.
I want treatments and massages and I want to stay over, for two nights.
Sounds good.
As long as we get facials.
That'll cost a fortune.
Oh, I see.
And we're not worth that? Running naked through the office, it is.
Seems fair.
No way.
Wait a minute.
I think I've got a better idea.
Ahhh Satisfied? Yeah.
Very.
Yeah, I can't believe your dream came true.
Kenny, say it.
We are crocodiles from the future.
We are here to help you with your post.
Raaagh.
Darrel? He's.
.
Do it.
Raaaagh! Tania, the auditors mentioned one of your team seems to be suffering from psychological problems.
Some sort of personality disorder.
Any ideas? Well, I can narrow it down to two.
SQUEALING Get off! Ha-ha! You know, I think we should celebrate our first proper argument.
How about a chippy tea? Nah, I can't.
I'm going out.
Oh, Kenny! That's just We're going out.
To me mam's, for tea.
Thank you.
Oh, don't worry - it's all up here.
So, go and get changed.
No, I'll just go like this.
Go on.
Raaaaghh! MUSIC: THE TEDDY BEARS' PICNIC by John Bratton Eugh! Oh.
I am never eating that stinky cheese again.