Marlon (2017) s02e04 Episode Script
Divorce Counseling
1 What's up, party people? Welcome to "The Marlon Way.
" You know what doesn't make sense to me? Couples counseling.
It don't work.
See, women like it because if they have a problem with they man, they get to let out all they feelings to a total stranger and pay him a grip of money for some psychobabble.
See, men, we ain't like that.
If we got a problem with our woman, all we do is go to the barbershop, drop $20 on a dope-ass fade and some sound advice.
Yeah, dawg.
She's trippin'.
All right, hold your head still, boy.
Do a cheek out.
All right.
Next.
Marlon, Marlon, Marlon, Marlon, Marlon, Marlon Marlo Marlon, Marlon, Marlon, Marlon, Marlon Marlon, Marlon, Marlon, Marlon, Marlon, Marlon [hip-hop music.]
Ashley, are we gonna eat these tacos any time soon? Or should I just fill up on wine? We're waiting on Daddy, as usual.
That's why I keep a Snicker bar on deck.
Well, I did send him a text and tell him that dinner was an hour earlier, but he must have caught on.
He's smarter than you think.
He'd have to be.
Kids, why don't you go upstairs and get ready for dinner, please? Okay.
Why did we divorce Marlon if we still have to put up with his obnoxious ass? He's not always obnoxious.
[bellowing.]
¿Qué pasa, mi amigos? [in Spanish accent.]
Are you ready for family taco night? Did you bring the taco shells? No hablo inglés.
Yvette, can you get the bread? Looks like we're having "Sloppy Josés" again.
It'd be more accurate to call a Mexican sandwich a "torta.
" But I get it.
We're having fun.
You need a job.
You got way too many fun facts.
This fool's an hour late and forgets to bring the one thing that makes a taco a taco.
Turned my damn dinner into an after-school snack.
Well, you know you don't live here, right? Neither do you.
That's what I've been trying to tell her.
Girl, you're lonelier than the first black Barbie.
- Get your behind over - Okay, okay! All right, you two.
All right.
Marlon, did you at least get my texts about signing Zack up for basketball camp? Well, when I got your first text trying to trick me about what time dinner was [chuckles.]
I immediately assumed the next 15 texts was full of lies and deceit.
Well, Marlon, remember, those camps fill up fast.
Last year, you waited too long and Zack wound up at magic camp.
Yes, but it was a very progressive step in the whole black magic movement.
You see, sister, we opening doors.
Trapdoors.
Yeah, we're having fun.
All right, fine, Marlon.
I'll take care of it.
See, Ashley, there you go letting him get away with murder like you used to.
I know you ain't talking with your old Snapchat-filter face.
And if I could get away with murder, I would kill that thing on top of your head.
You know, Ashley, I'd offer to help, but these days I got my hands full.
Yep, ole schedule's pretty packed.
[chuckles.]
Biz-ee.
Okay, Stevie, is there something that you would like to get off your underdeveloped chest? Well, if you must know, I started moonlighting as a massage therapist.
"Moonlighting"? [scoffs.]
How you gonna moonlight when you ain't got a job in the daylight? I can give a massage any time of day via Rub-A-Dub-Dub.
It's like Uber for massages, without all that pesky legitimacy.
No one's interested in you rubbing your stubby nubs all over them.
[laughs.]
[gasps.]
Oh! A little lower, Stubby.
Mm.
All I'm saying is, it seems like you two have fallen into the same pattern as your marriage.
And that's an observation from an impartial third party who hates Marlon.
"An impartial third party" whose life partner runs on AAA batteries And speaks the language of [blows raspberry.]
- Come on.
- Wait, no! - Listen, stop.
- Not today, Marlon.
- Stop it! - What you gonna do? Both of you stop! Stop.
Okay.
Yvette.
Marlon and I are fine, okay? I allow him to be late and a jackass, and he helps me out in a lot of ways.
Preach! The other day, he killed a spider in my shower.
- Chee-urch! - And he gets my car detailed.
[as gospel singer.]
You name it And last week, I didn't have enough time to the post office, so I gave Marlon a very important stack of mail, and he mailed it for me.
Oh, Lord - Marlon? - Yes, sister? You did remember to send that stuff off for me? 'Cause there were very important things in that stack, like my health insurance payment, the kids' tuition, the power bill.
Come on, Ash.
[laughing.]
It's it's it's me.
Come on, you can I think the Lord is sending us signals.
Baby girl, I been watching the same show for years.
Marlon acts like Marlon until you get mad, he smoothes you over with an expensive gift, and the whole thing starts all over again.
Y'all need a therapist.
Ash.
My Ash.
You know, when I left yesterday, I felt so bad after subjecting you to Sloppy Josés by the candlelight.
And even though it was a really chill vibe, I still wanna own up to my mistakes, so I got you a little something.
Booyah.
Well, Ashley, I guess he's real sorry, as he just smoothed over his behavior with an expensive gift.
Yvette, hey, good lookin' out! Man, you know, I thought for sure I was gonna have to hit you with a troll comment.
Marlon, Yvette's right.
I mean, we are falling into the same cycle that ended our marriage.
We need couples counseling.
Damn you, troll.
No, Marlon, I think this'll be good for us.
If we want our cool divorce to last, - then we gotta work on it.
- Ashley, black people don't go to couples counseling.
Listen, Uncle Phil and Aunt Viv didn't go the first one or the second one.
Cliff and Clair didn't go although, maybe they should have.
And I'm telling you, Barack and Michelle didn't go, and I know after he took that selfie with the South African lady, she keyed "Air Force One" at least once.
Y'all need to see my girl Kamala Shabazz.
She's a relationship expert.
[gasps.]
Oh, she's the one that's on Oprah's "SuperSoul Sunday.
" Yup.
You know, I'm gonna give her a call so you two can work out all your issues.
"Issues"? We only got one issue, and, uh, it's you! Marlon! I'm serious.
I begged you to go when we were married and you refused, and you see how that ended up.
We gonna go see someone.
Ash, you should know me by now.
Nobody runs me but me.
I'm not going to no couples therapy.
And on this, I will not be swayed.
So, what brings you in to see Dr.
Shabazz? For the last year, we've had an amazing divorce, but lately, I feel like we're sliding back into old habits.
I'm here because I don't wanna end up in that place again.
Stand in your light, daughter! Marlon, why are you here? [sighs.]
She's trippin'.
Stand in my light now.
[knocking.]
You care to explain this? You tried to dab and got stuck? "Oh no!" [laughs.]
No, Rub-A-Dub-dummy.
You better fix this! Listening is an art that requires patience and practice.
"Power of the Pen!" Trademark Shabazz Enterprises, 2012.
Whoever holds the pen shall speak their grievances.
Well, I've always found it frustrating to communicate with Marlon, because whenever I try, he scoffs.
- [scoffs.]
- Marlon, listen.
I am.
I can [scoffs.]
and listen at the same time.
Toward the end of our marriage, I just felt like Marlon did his thing his way.
Mm-hmm.
For example, I asked him to get some flip-flops - for Zack for the beach - Oh, oh, really? - But he refused because - Yeah, okay.
Because they are corny as hell.
Ain't no self-respecting black boy put his foot in no damn open-toed shoes.
What the hell is he? Jesus? - Reclaiming my time - You can reclaim - want you want - Reclaiming my time.
- My Uncle Ray Ray had a pair - Reclaiming my time.
- Of open-toed shoes - Reclaiming my time.
- Busted his foot on a can - Reclaiming my time.
- He got a zombie toe now.
- Reclaiming my time.
- Look like an old, dead - Reclaiming my time! - Or the last sunflower seed! - Reclaim [intercom beeps.]
Yasss, queen? Andre, clear the rest of my day.
We gonna be here for a while.
Exercises like "The Power of the Pen" only work when people follow the rules.
Look her, Dr.
Shazz-bot.
Real talk people trying to make me play these janky-ass games ain't gonna work with me.
I mean, it's just not how I roll.
Ashley, you should know this by now.
So you're saying that Ashley doesn't see you? I ain't saying nothing.
Well, then let me say a little something.
"Other People's Shoes"! Trademark Shabazz Enterprises, 2009.
Now, this is a role-playing exercise.
If you can see yourself through your partner's eyes, you might learn something.
Ashley, you'll be Marlon.
Marlon, you'll be Ashley.
Begin.
Yo, what's up? I'm Marlon, and I know I'm mad late, but I'll make up for it on the back end, as I tend to overstay my welcome.
[laughs.]
I do do that.
[laughing.]
That was pretty good.
And divorce should've been a wake-up call for me, but I haven't changed at all.
I still drop over her house, leave her my laundry.
And stank up her bathroom.
A'ight, my turn? Okay.
Hi, I'm Ashley, and I'm a black white girl, which means I'm super articulate and I love to curse people out.
And I still complain about all the things that you are that I knew you were before I even married you.
Oh, my God.
He's right.
Thank you.
Game over.
I won therapy.
Whoo-hoo.
I enable all of his behavior.
"Breakthrough, New You"! Trademark Shabazz Enterprises soon as I file the paperwork.
- Thank you.
- Uh [stutters.]
'Scuse me, did I miss something? I I thought I won therapy.
Why is y'all sitting here having black girl magic? See, your problem probably isn't even in your neck.
You're right.
My problems in a tweed jacket and glasses.
Nerve endings in the feet connect to the entire body, serving as a road map of sorts.
For example, the heel of the foot interacts with the lower back.
Actually that's not so bad.
Mm-hmm, while this little piggy connects to the neck.
Oh, wow.
And this is your spine, and I can't remember what this is.
Girl! Marlon, now it's your turn.
"Final Flight"! Hah! Ooh! Tuh-trademark! Shabazz Enterprizes, 2004.
You're on a plane that's going down.
Call Ashley.
Tell her everything you never said.
Put yourself in this, Marlon.
Go! Okay.
Hello? Hello, Ashley? I'm on a plane, and it's going down.
And I have so many regrets, and - You do? - Yes.
But I'll tell you when I land, because right now, I have to save all these people on the plane! [imitates heroic music.]
'Scuse me, 'scuse me.
'Scuse me.
[grunts.]
Damn window seats.
[grunts.]
'Scuse me.
Ah, ah.
Gotta make it to the cockpit.
Hiyah! Pow! [pants.]
Captain! Oh, he's unconscious.
[grunts.]
[struggling.]
He's a lot heavier than I thought.
[grunting.]
Come on, I'm gonna drag your ass like they dragged that Chinese guy on United Airline.
Come on.
Get your get your ass up here.
[pants.]
All right, he needs mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.
Don't worry.
I'm not gonna let society's prejudices stop me from saving another man's life.
Oh, damn, that's a cold sore.
Sorry, Captain.
You gonna die today.
[shouting.]
It's terrorists! Watch out, everybody! Get down! The terrorists got me! [grunting.]
Gotta break free! [grunts.]
I'll hit 'em with this itchy blanket.
Come here.
The itchy airline blanket! [grunts.]
I'll hide in this first-class curtain.
Welcome to coach.
[shouts.]
[shouts, grunts.]
Hiyah! Pow! Hiyah! Hiyah! Pow! [shouts.]
[panting.]
You're all in trouble now.
You know why? Hah! 'Cause I'm "Passenger 57.
" "Always bet on black.
" [imitating impacts.]
Everybody! Fasten your seatbelts! Put your tray tables up! Put your oxygen mask on! Wait, those aren't oxygen masks.
Those are snakes! I've had it with these mickey-ficky snakes on this mickey-ficky plane! Hiyah! [struggling.]
If I could just make it to the cock pit must fight the gravi tational pull of the airplane! [grunts.]
[panting.]
If I could just get to the cockpit Everybody, be calm.
If Kevin Hart's career could survive "Soul Plane," we gonna be all right! [panting.]
Come on.
I will not leave my wingman! [shouts.]
[exhales.]
The plane's leveled out.
Hello, ladies and gentlemen.
This is your captain speaking.
We are now cruising at a altitude of 30,000 feet.
We will be landing in Vegas, where I'll be hosting a dope-ass after party at the Bellagio.
Will the flight attendants please meet me in the galley way by the bathrooms? You're joining the Mile-High Club.
I should've seen that coming.
Okay.
Dr.
Shabazz doesn't need to see any more.
Your marriage was doomed, and I'm sorry to say, so is your divorce.
"Doomed"? Ashley, she don't know.
Tell her.
Marlon, she has three master's and a PhD, and I feel how I felt in the middle of our marriage: like I'm doing this by myself.
And I won't do that again.
I need a divorce from our divorce.
Come on, Ash, you can't believe her just 'cause she got a PhD.
Look, my cousin Dougie got a PhD and his mama still gotta pin his gloves to his damn coat sleeves.
I also have six best-selling relationship books.
Not to mention, I've been married five times.
I think I know when something's done.
Five times? What's your PhD in? Driving brothers crazy? Hold up, Mickey Ficky.
You can talk sideways to Ashley, but I ain't the one.
See now, you dragged your sorry ass up into my office, talking about "she trippin'.
" No, Negro, she was trying! And you're running around here talking about some damn snakes on a plane and busting up my office like the damn LAPD.
And now she's gone.
She'll be a'ight.
Really? Where's she at? Ashley! Ashley! She under the table? Hmm? Maybe the gravitational pull pulled her out the damn window.
You had an opportunity to save this.
Ashley asked you to come here and participate, but you refused.
Why? 'Cause I do what I wanna do.
[scoffing.]
That's just how I roll.
I know that's how you roll.
I'm asking you why do you roll like that? Because I don't like people telling me what to do! All right? I'm the youngest of ten kids, and I got bossed around my whole life.
You know what it's like being the youngest of ten kids? Huh? You got you got a brother teaching you how to cross the street at, damn, four years old? What the hell he gonna teach a three-year-old? We both got hit by the damn car.
So I just like doing what I wanna do.
I'm a grown-ass man.
And if Ashley don't like it, well, she ain't gotta be here.
Marlon, Ashley doesn't wanna change you or how you roll.
All she's asking you to do is Try.
She wants me to try.
Breakthrough.
New you.
Marlon, relationships only work when both people try.
And I didn't learn that from any PhD.
I learned that from my own five failed [voice breaking.]
Marriages.
[straining.]
Now there's a bunch of people out there who I love who don't love me.
[soothing.]
Okay.
Okay, okay.
- [sobs.]
- Okay.
Hey.
Hey, "breakthrough.
New you.
" [cell phone rings.]
Ash, pick up.
- Marlon, I'm not in the mood.
- Ash, please.
It's an emergency.
[sighs.]
Ashley, I'm on a plane, and it's going down.
And I have a lot of regrets.
I regret that I could never palm a basketball.
I regret that I never banged Apollonia.
Enjoy your flight.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Listen, I have real regrets too.
I regret that I never tried.
But if I had another chance I would try.
I would try in our divorce the way I didn't try in our marriage.
Now I can't 'cause I'm stuck on this busted-ass plane full of regrets.
- Marlon.
- Hmm? [whispering.]
Pick up.
Um listen.
I really appreciate this call.
And I'll tell you what.
If you're, um willing to kick in that cockpit door and save all the people on the plane and make your way back to me and the kids then I'm willing to give you another chance.
Okay.
Bet.
I'll be home soon.
You know why? I'm Passenger 57! "Always bet on black.
" Hiyah! Hi-yah! [woman screams.]
Oh, snap.
You scared me.
I'm so sorry.
Ah! You know, Stevie, in my mind right now you're a big-booty Brazilian with twerking skills.
One out of three ain't bad.
Hey, tell me where you feel this.
Girl!
" You know what doesn't make sense to me? Couples counseling.
It don't work.
See, women like it because if they have a problem with they man, they get to let out all they feelings to a total stranger and pay him a grip of money for some psychobabble.
See, men, we ain't like that.
If we got a problem with our woman, all we do is go to the barbershop, drop $20 on a dope-ass fade and some sound advice.
Yeah, dawg.
She's trippin'.
All right, hold your head still, boy.
Do a cheek out.
All right.
Next.
Marlon, Marlon, Marlon, Marlon, Marlon, Marlon Marlo Marlon, Marlon, Marlon, Marlon, Marlon Marlon, Marlon, Marlon, Marlon, Marlon, Marlon [hip-hop music.]
Ashley, are we gonna eat these tacos any time soon? Or should I just fill up on wine? We're waiting on Daddy, as usual.
That's why I keep a Snicker bar on deck.
Well, I did send him a text and tell him that dinner was an hour earlier, but he must have caught on.
He's smarter than you think.
He'd have to be.
Kids, why don't you go upstairs and get ready for dinner, please? Okay.
Why did we divorce Marlon if we still have to put up with his obnoxious ass? He's not always obnoxious.
[bellowing.]
¿Qué pasa, mi amigos? [in Spanish accent.]
Are you ready for family taco night? Did you bring the taco shells? No hablo inglés.
Yvette, can you get the bread? Looks like we're having "Sloppy Josés" again.
It'd be more accurate to call a Mexican sandwich a "torta.
" But I get it.
We're having fun.
You need a job.
You got way too many fun facts.
This fool's an hour late and forgets to bring the one thing that makes a taco a taco.
Turned my damn dinner into an after-school snack.
Well, you know you don't live here, right? Neither do you.
That's what I've been trying to tell her.
Girl, you're lonelier than the first black Barbie.
- Get your behind over - Okay, okay! All right, you two.
All right.
Marlon, did you at least get my texts about signing Zack up for basketball camp? Well, when I got your first text trying to trick me about what time dinner was [chuckles.]
I immediately assumed the next 15 texts was full of lies and deceit.
Well, Marlon, remember, those camps fill up fast.
Last year, you waited too long and Zack wound up at magic camp.
Yes, but it was a very progressive step in the whole black magic movement.
You see, sister, we opening doors.
Trapdoors.
Yeah, we're having fun.
All right, fine, Marlon.
I'll take care of it.
See, Ashley, there you go letting him get away with murder like you used to.
I know you ain't talking with your old Snapchat-filter face.
And if I could get away with murder, I would kill that thing on top of your head.
You know, Ashley, I'd offer to help, but these days I got my hands full.
Yep, ole schedule's pretty packed.
[chuckles.]
Biz-ee.
Okay, Stevie, is there something that you would like to get off your underdeveloped chest? Well, if you must know, I started moonlighting as a massage therapist.
"Moonlighting"? [scoffs.]
How you gonna moonlight when you ain't got a job in the daylight? I can give a massage any time of day via Rub-A-Dub-Dub.
It's like Uber for massages, without all that pesky legitimacy.
No one's interested in you rubbing your stubby nubs all over them.
[laughs.]
[gasps.]
Oh! A little lower, Stubby.
Mm.
All I'm saying is, it seems like you two have fallen into the same pattern as your marriage.
And that's an observation from an impartial third party who hates Marlon.
"An impartial third party" whose life partner runs on AAA batteries And speaks the language of [blows raspberry.]
- Come on.
- Wait, no! - Listen, stop.
- Not today, Marlon.
- Stop it! - What you gonna do? Both of you stop! Stop.
Okay.
Yvette.
Marlon and I are fine, okay? I allow him to be late and a jackass, and he helps me out in a lot of ways.
Preach! The other day, he killed a spider in my shower.
- Chee-urch! - And he gets my car detailed.
[as gospel singer.]
You name it And last week, I didn't have enough time to the post office, so I gave Marlon a very important stack of mail, and he mailed it for me.
Oh, Lord - Marlon? - Yes, sister? You did remember to send that stuff off for me? 'Cause there were very important things in that stack, like my health insurance payment, the kids' tuition, the power bill.
Come on, Ash.
[laughing.]
It's it's it's me.
Come on, you can I think the Lord is sending us signals.
Baby girl, I been watching the same show for years.
Marlon acts like Marlon until you get mad, he smoothes you over with an expensive gift, and the whole thing starts all over again.
Y'all need a therapist.
Ash.
My Ash.
You know, when I left yesterday, I felt so bad after subjecting you to Sloppy Josés by the candlelight.
And even though it was a really chill vibe, I still wanna own up to my mistakes, so I got you a little something.
Booyah.
Well, Ashley, I guess he's real sorry, as he just smoothed over his behavior with an expensive gift.
Yvette, hey, good lookin' out! Man, you know, I thought for sure I was gonna have to hit you with a troll comment.
Marlon, Yvette's right.
I mean, we are falling into the same cycle that ended our marriage.
We need couples counseling.
Damn you, troll.
No, Marlon, I think this'll be good for us.
If we want our cool divorce to last, - then we gotta work on it.
- Ashley, black people don't go to couples counseling.
Listen, Uncle Phil and Aunt Viv didn't go the first one or the second one.
Cliff and Clair didn't go although, maybe they should have.
And I'm telling you, Barack and Michelle didn't go, and I know after he took that selfie with the South African lady, she keyed "Air Force One" at least once.
Y'all need to see my girl Kamala Shabazz.
She's a relationship expert.
[gasps.]
Oh, she's the one that's on Oprah's "SuperSoul Sunday.
" Yup.
You know, I'm gonna give her a call so you two can work out all your issues.
"Issues"? We only got one issue, and, uh, it's you! Marlon! I'm serious.
I begged you to go when we were married and you refused, and you see how that ended up.
We gonna go see someone.
Ash, you should know me by now.
Nobody runs me but me.
I'm not going to no couples therapy.
And on this, I will not be swayed.
So, what brings you in to see Dr.
Shabazz? For the last year, we've had an amazing divorce, but lately, I feel like we're sliding back into old habits.
I'm here because I don't wanna end up in that place again.
Stand in your light, daughter! Marlon, why are you here? [sighs.]
She's trippin'.
Stand in my light now.
[knocking.]
You care to explain this? You tried to dab and got stuck? "Oh no!" [laughs.]
No, Rub-A-Dub-dummy.
You better fix this! Listening is an art that requires patience and practice.
"Power of the Pen!" Trademark Shabazz Enterprises, 2012.
Whoever holds the pen shall speak their grievances.
Well, I've always found it frustrating to communicate with Marlon, because whenever I try, he scoffs.
- [scoffs.]
- Marlon, listen.
I am.
I can [scoffs.]
and listen at the same time.
Toward the end of our marriage, I just felt like Marlon did his thing his way.
Mm-hmm.
For example, I asked him to get some flip-flops - for Zack for the beach - Oh, oh, really? - But he refused because - Yeah, okay.
Because they are corny as hell.
Ain't no self-respecting black boy put his foot in no damn open-toed shoes.
What the hell is he? Jesus? - Reclaiming my time - You can reclaim - want you want - Reclaiming my time.
- My Uncle Ray Ray had a pair - Reclaiming my time.
- Of open-toed shoes - Reclaiming my time.
- Busted his foot on a can - Reclaiming my time.
- He got a zombie toe now.
- Reclaiming my time.
- Look like an old, dead - Reclaiming my time! - Or the last sunflower seed! - Reclaim [intercom beeps.]
Yasss, queen? Andre, clear the rest of my day.
We gonna be here for a while.
Exercises like "The Power of the Pen" only work when people follow the rules.
Look her, Dr.
Shazz-bot.
Real talk people trying to make me play these janky-ass games ain't gonna work with me.
I mean, it's just not how I roll.
Ashley, you should know this by now.
So you're saying that Ashley doesn't see you? I ain't saying nothing.
Well, then let me say a little something.
"Other People's Shoes"! Trademark Shabazz Enterprises, 2009.
Now, this is a role-playing exercise.
If you can see yourself through your partner's eyes, you might learn something.
Ashley, you'll be Marlon.
Marlon, you'll be Ashley.
Begin.
Yo, what's up? I'm Marlon, and I know I'm mad late, but I'll make up for it on the back end, as I tend to overstay my welcome.
[laughs.]
I do do that.
[laughing.]
That was pretty good.
And divorce should've been a wake-up call for me, but I haven't changed at all.
I still drop over her house, leave her my laundry.
And stank up her bathroom.
A'ight, my turn? Okay.
Hi, I'm Ashley, and I'm a black white girl, which means I'm super articulate and I love to curse people out.
And I still complain about all the things that you are that I knew you were before I even married you.
Oh, my God.
He's right.
Thank you.
Game over.
I won therapy.
Whoo-hoo.
I enable all of his behavior.
"Breakthrough, New You"! Trademark Shabazz Enterprises soon as I file the paperwork.
- Thank you.
- Uh [stutters.]
'Scuse me, did I miss something? I I thought I won therapy.
Why is y'all sitting here having black girl magic? See, your problem probably isn't even in your neck.
You're right.
My problems in a tweed jacket and glasses.
Nerve endings in the feet connect to the entire body, serving as a road map of sorts.
For example, the heel of the foot interacts with the lower back.
Actually that's not so bad.
Mm-hmm, while this little piggy connects to the neck.
Oh, wow.
And this is your spine, and I can't remember what this is.
Girl! Marlon, now it's your turn.
"Final Flight"! Hah! Ooh! Tuh-trademark! Shabazz Enterprizes, 2004.
You're on a plane that's going down.
Call Ashley.
Tell her everything you never said.
Put yourself in this, Marlon.
Go! Okay.
Hello? Hello, Ashley? I'm on a plane, and it's going down.
And I have so many regrets, and - You do? - Yes.
But I'll tell you when I land, because right now, I have to save all these people on the plane! [imitates heroic music.]
'Scuse me, 'scuse me.
'Scuse me.
[grunts.]
Damn window seats.
[grunts.]
'Scuse me.
Ah, ah.
Gotta make it to the cockpit.
Hiyah! Pow! [pants.]
Captain! Oh, he's unconscious.
[grunts.]
[struggling.]
He's a lot heavier than I thought.
[grunting.]
Come on, I'm gonna drag your ass like they dragged that Chinese guy on United Airline.
Come on.
Get your get your ass up here.
[pants.]
All right, he needs mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.
Don't worry.
I'm not gonna let society's prejudices stop me from saving another man's life.
Oh, damn, that's a cold sore.
Sorry, Captain.
You gonna die today.
[shouting.]
It's terrorists! Watch out, everybody! Get down! The terrorists got me! [grunting.]
Gotta break free! [grunts.]
I'll hit 'em with this itchy blanket.
Come here.
The itchy airline blanket! [grunts.]
I'll hide in this first-class curtain.
Welcome to coach.
[shouts.]
[shouts, grunts.]
Hiyah! Pow! Hiyah! Hiyah! Pow! [shouts.]
[panting.]
You're all in trouble now.
You know why? Hah! 'Cause I'm "Passenger 57.
" "Always bet on black.
" [imitating impacts.]
Everybody! Fasten your seatbelts! Put your tray tables up! Put your oxygen mask on! Wait, those aren't oxygen masks.
Those are snakes! I've had it with these mickey-ficky snakes on this mickey-ficky plane! Hiyah! [struggling.]
If I could just make it to the cock pit must fight the gravi tational pull of the airplane! [grunts.]
[panting.]
If I could just get to the cockpit Everybody, be calm.
If Kevin Hart's career could survive "Soul Plane," we gonna be all right! [panting.]
Come on.
I will not leave my wingman! [shouts.]
[exhales.]
The plane's leveled out.
Hello, ladies and gentlemen.
This is your captain speaking.
We are now cruising at a altitude of 30,000 feet.
We will be landing in Vegas, where I'll be hosting a dope-ass after party at the Bellagio.
Will the flight attendants please meet me in the galley way by the bathrooms? You're joining the Mile-High Club.
I should've seen that coming.
Okay.
Dr.
Shabazz doesn't need to see any more.
Your marriage was doomed, and I'm sorry to say, so is your divorce.
"Doomed"? Ashley, she don't know.
Tell her.
Marlon, she has three master's and a PhD, and I feel how I felt in the middle of our marriage: like I'm doing this by myself.
And I won't do that again.
I need a divorce from our divorce.
Come on, Ash, you can't believe her just 'cause she got a PhD.
Look, my cousin Dougie got a PhD and his mama still gotta pin his gloves to his damn coat sleeves.
I also have six best-selling relationship books.
Not to mention, I've been married five times.
I think I know when something's done.
Five times? What's your PhD in? Driving brothers crazy? Hold up, Mickey Ficky.
You can talk sideways to Ashley, but I ain't the one.
See now, you dragged your sorry ass up into my office, talking about "she trippin'.
" No, Negro, she was trying! And you're running around here talking about some damn snakes on a plane and busting up my office like the damn LAPD.
And now she's gone.
She'll be a'ight.
Really? Where's she at? Ashley! Ashley! She under the table? Hmm? Maybe the gravitational pull pulled her out the damn window.
You had an opportunity to save this.
Ashley asked you to come here and participate, but you refused.
Why? 'Cause I do what I wanna do.
[scoffing.]
That's just how I roll.
I know that's how you roll.
I'm asking you why do you roll like that? Because I don't like people telling me what to do! All right? I'm the youngest of ten kids, and I got bossed around my whole life.
You know what it's like being the youngest of ten kids? Huh? You got you got a brother teaching you how to cross the street at, damn, four years old? What the hell he gonna teach a three-year-old? We both got hit by the damn car.
So I just like doing what I wanna do.
I'm a grown-ass man.
And if Ashley don't like it, well, she ain't gotta be here.
Marlon, Ashley doesn't wanna change you or how you roll.
All she's asking you to do is Try.
She wants me to try.
Breakthrough.
New you.
Marlon, relationships only work when both people try.
And I didn't learn that from any PhD.
I learned that from my own five failed [voice breaking.]
Marriages.
[straining.]
Now there's a bunch of people out there who I love who don't love me.
[soothing.]
Okay.
Okay, okay.
- [sobs.]
- Okay.
Hey.
Hey, "breakthrough.
New you.
" [cell phone rings.]
Ash, pick up.
- Marlon, I'm not in the mood.
- Ash, please.
It's an emergency.
[sighs.]
Ashley, I'm on a plane, and it's going down.
And I have a lot of regrets.
I regret that I could never palm a basketball.
I regret that I never banged Apollonia.
Enjoy your flight.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Listen, I have real regrets too.
I regret that I never tried.
But if I had another chance I would try.
I would try in our divorce the way I didn't try in our marriage.
Now I can't 'cause I'm stuck on this busted-ass plane full of regrets.
- Marlon.
- Hmm? [whispering.]
Pick up.
Um listen.
I really appreciate this call.
And I'll tell you what.
If you're, um willing to kick in that cockpit door and save all the people on the plane and make your way back to me and the kids then I'm willing to give you another chance.
Okay.
Bet.
I'll be home soon.
You know why? I'm Passenger 57! "Always bet on black.
" Hiyah! Hi-yah! [woman screams.]
Oh, snap.
You scared me.
I'm so sorry.
Ah! You know, Stevie, in my mind right now you're a big-booty Brazilian with twerking skills.
One out of three ain't bad.
Hey, tell me where you feel this.
Girl!