M*A*S*H (MASH) s02e04 Episode Script

[Blake.]
Adjust the drip on that I.
V.
[Houlihan.]
Nurse, when you get a chance, come here.
- Get me a bottle of O-positive blood.
- Yes, sir.
- Okay, okay, suture scissors.
- Scissors.
- Four-oh silk.
- Four-oh silk.
- Beautiful stitching, Frank.
- Thanks.
You used to do baseball gloves, right? Just ignore him, Frank.
[Chattering Continues.]
Got enough shrapnel here to make a nine iron.
That's 12 fragments so far.
This guy's a walking junkyard too.
Hey, are all these people Koreans? Now that you mention it If you'd read the surgery schedule, you'd know they were.
The village ofTai-Dong was shelled this morning.
Well, they were probably asking for it washing their babies, having breakfast, committing other acts of aggression.
Hey, I was in Tai-Dong last week.
Forceps.
There's no enemy artillery anywhere near that place.
I insist on quiet in here! Will someone please turn the war down for Frank? Hey, Trap.
Look at this.
Here we are, and here's the village of Tai-Dong, about eight kilometers south - Henry? - Eight kilometers south of us.
I'm listening.
- You mind looking at Korea? - Every single morning.
You know, I've been here all these months, and sometimes I still wake up and wonder, "What has my wife done to the bedroom?" Henry, this morning the village ofTai-Dong was shelled, and the only artillery unit anywhere near it was the 348th.
Which of them are they? It is not "they" and it is not "them.
" It is "us.
" The good guys.
We clobbered 'em.
- Oops! - At least.
You wanna dig out the "oops" forms and tell the whole class about it? - Radar - Sir? Instant corporal.
- You wanna get me the forms - Pierce, hold it.
Look, this is a very serious charge.
You've got to have some proof.
Let's not go off half-cocked.
Well, then let's go off all-cocked, but let's go off.
- Get me the forms, will you? - What forms am I getting? - The ones he wants.
- Oh, that Tai-Dong thing.
Hey.
Just what we thought.
I checked with a guy in Artillery.
These fragments are as American as apple pie and napalm.
Uh, what was that about proof, Henry? I just want to remind you how thrilled the army is about people who rock the boat.
Women and colonels first, Henry.
Anyway, were not in the army.
That is, were in the army, but we're not "Army.
" Little "A" as opposed to big "A.
" Uh-huh.
Well, you file that report, and the army's gonna put your big "A" and your little "A" in a sling.
- Radar, if you want me, I won't be anywhere.
- Yes, sir.
- Hawkeye? Here you go.
- Is that everything? You got all the forms? There's enough red tape in there to keep anybody happy.
We want the army to take responsibility for the shelling.
And full compensation for the village.
- Are you guys making this report together? - Why not? Then afterwards, hand-in-hand, we're jumping off Lovers' Leap.
Boy, you sure got guts, sirs.
If we don't, we know where to get 'em.
We're doctors.
Well, I mean, you're the first officers I ever saw who would stick by their principles no matter what.
Except for that colonel who reported the P.
X.
Kickbacks.
- What colonel? - You know.
PrivateJohnson? [Man On P.
A.
.]
Attention, all personnel.
Due to circumstances beyond our control, lunch will be served today.
Before we get to work on these, how about a wee drop of the creature? I'm driving, so I'll just have a double.
- This a new batch? - The newest.
- Dry enough for you? - Is what dry enough? I'm trying a new filter system: Charcoal and sweat socks.
Okay, let's see here.
"Type of engagement: Air strike, armored attack, artillery, atomic.
" - Nice, huh? Multiple choice disasters.
- Listen to this.
"In completing attached form 2759, stroke 6-J-12, delete printed reference to World War II and substitute 'Korean Police Action.
"' This is surplus.
The least they could do is give our war its own stationery.
- Well, what have we gotta do here? - [Door Opens.]
Well, I see the bar is open again, hmm? Pigpen.
Brothel.
- Here, sir.
- Yo! - Where's my razor? - Shaving your legs again, Frank? I don't think it's so all-fired sophisticated to walk around with a beard.
You ought to try it sometime, Frank.
Women love it.
- Oh, I'll bet.
- Really.
Come here.
Kiss me.
[Laughing.]
- Caught you! - At what? Making one of your obscene gestures behind my back.
- Which one? - You know, the one that Frank.
- Truce, okay? Truce? - Hah! Last time we had a truce, I found peanut butter in my stethoscope.
Frank, we're gonna submit a report to Seoul about the shelling ofTai-Dong.
We were the three surgeons on duty, Frank.
We all should sign it.
Are you guys loony? I'm not getting involved.
I'm not signing anything.
And I never knock any team I'm on.
Frank, I'm sorry, all right? - For what? - Everything.
All of it.
The The peanut butter in your stethoscope.
- The ether in your aftershave.
- And autographing my mother's picture? "Dear Frank, Dad was not your father.
- Love, Mom.
" - We'll give you a blanket "sorry.
" - Just sign this for old times' sake.
- For new times' sake.
I'm not making any waves.
Mm-mm.
Frank, come on, listen.
You can't turn your back on those people.
- You operated on some of them.
- I don't remember operating on anyone.
Oh, really? What about all this iron confetti you're saving for a souvenir? Oh, give me those fragments! You guys are not gonna get me in Dutch! Frank, one decent act.
If you don't like it, you don't have to do it again.
Oh, go fish! [Man On P.
A.
.]
Attention.
P.
F.
C.
Lester Pasco will pay five dollars for a hot letter from home.
- [Knocking.]
Colonel Blake? - I don't start till 9:00.
Leave your name with my service.
Sir, this is your service.
There's someone important here to see you.
- How do you know? - He has a briefcase.
Come in.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
Sir, I'll take this stuff back to the laundry that made this terrible mistake.
- Thank you.
- Colonel, this is Major Stoner, adjutant inspector general.
Oh, my.
This is somewhat of a frightening honor.
I'm here because our office received a form 2759, stroke 6-J-12.
Oh, I can well imagine.
- Look, why don't you just sit down here, Major? - Thank you.
Make yourself down there.
Uh, just exactly what is a 2759, stroke whatever? I know it's too big for a shoe size.
This 2759 is what? It's a request for an investigation filed by two of your surgeons.
Uh, Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce? Hawkeye.
Captain John Mclntyre? Trapper.
- Colonel? - Hmm? Uh, this matter is highly classified.
- Classified? - Not for everyone's ears? Oh.
Sure.
Well, the corporal's been thoroughly cleared.
I did it myself.
I beg your pardon? Radar, didn't you fill out those top secret forms on yourself? - Yes, sir.
- And didn't I sign where you told me to? - Oh, yes, sir.
- Well, there you go.
Clear as mother's milk.
Uh, are you clear, Colonel? Uh, well, didn't we clear each other? - Corporal? - Yes, sir? - Try "ma'am" once! - Yes, ma'am.
Sorry.
- Where's Colonel Blake? - He went off with Major Stoner.
- Major Stoner? - Yes, sir.
- You stand up when you address an officer! - Yes, sir! Now, do I know anything about this Major Stoner? I don't know that you know anything at all, sir.
Where is Major Stoner? - He's gone off with Colonel Blake.
- I wonder where he's from.
- Bloomington, Illinois.
- What? The colonel's from Bloomington.
It's a town.
I'm from Iowa myself, which is quite a coincidence when you think about it.
Where the Major is from.
Oh, he's from the inspector general's office.
Tai-Dong.
Let's go.
You will continue to stand till I leave your sight! - It'll be a pleasure, ma'am.
- Sir! Uh, yes, sir, ma'am.
Change the dressing, Ginger, and then she can go back to whatever's left of her home.
- Orders on the other two? - Yeah, discontinue I.
V.
, start 'em on clear liquids.
Ah.
Pierce? Uh, Pierce, this is Major Stoner, inspector general's office.
- Oh.
How are you? - Captain, I'm here about your request.
- An investigation of the alleged shelling at Tai-Dong.
- Alleged? - Pierce.
- These patients look alleged to you? - This woman was almost alleged to death.
- Oh, now, Captain, hold it.
Oh! Oh, one of those "hold it" fellas, huh? I'm going ahead with this.
I don't care how much you threaten me.
You never threatened him, Major.
Pierce, don't start that "threatening" talk.
I'm warning you! Captain, I'm here to get this investigation rolling, and I'm counting on your cooperation.
I should tell you I admire the courage it took to report this incident.
Antipersonnel fragments.
Ours.
Full set of X rays.
Complete medical profiles on all the victims.
- Complete.
- Gentlemen, this is a hospital.
Well, these shrapnel fragments should be the clincher.
There could even be a commendation in it for you, Pierce.
Oh, no, just a simple honorable discharge and, say, 50,000 a year, tax free.
- But that's negotiable.
- Colonel Blake? Oh, Major Houlihan, Major Stoner.
- Major.
- Major.
Major, Major Burns, Major Stoner.
- Major.
- Major.
- Major Pierce.
- Major.
Well, I think we've made a major breakthrough here.
I was on duty that day with Pierce and Mclntyre.
I was ranking surgeon.
Then you should have filed the report.
He was involved with a case.
It takes a long time to filet a patient.
Where do I sign? The report's already been processed.
Needless to say, this is very sensitive material.
Top secret.
Total silence must be observed.
Understood, Colonel? Oh, uh, cross my heart.
And, uh, Pierce, you'll be hearing from us.
- Good enough.
- Shall we? Why didn't you let him sign? Let him? We begged him to.
We begged him to do the decent thing.
- Frank? - Well, how do I know what the decent thing is? Clever, the way the cook sculpts grease into the shape of lamb chops.
- What are we eating? - Don't ask me.
I only had a year of postmortem.
- Can I get a few details from you? - About that? The Tai-Dong business.
I'm filing my own report on the number of wounded and mutilated.
I feel the more, the merrier, don't you? - Has a nice Genghis Khan feeling.
- What does that mean? - Nothing.
Welcome aboard.
- Thanks.
- Now, I send this right to Stoner, right? - If you can reach him.
A week and a half, he hasn't come to the phone.
That's a long time to spend in the bathroom.
Well, he is an officer.
Hey, we made the papers.
"Tai-Dong shelled.
"The army revealed that the South Korean village ofTai-Dong "sustained damage and casualties as a result of enemy artillery attack.
" Enemy artillery? [Sighs.]
Any questions? Well, I'm certainly glad the army straightened that out.
Now we know how Dreyfus felt when he read his story in Stars and Stripes.
Uh, Major Stoner? Yes.
This is the 4077 th MASH calling.
Hold on for Colonel Henry Blake.
You're on.
- [Stoner.]
Colonel, how are you? - Not too good, actually.
I just read your story in Stars and Stripes and my bellybutton fell out.
Who is this? Captain Pierce? No.
Sucker Pierce and his sidekick, Huckleberry Dumbbell.
Oh, well, look, Captain, I just got back from Okinawa, and the first thing that hit me was that copy of Stars and Stripes.
- Frankly, I was shocked.
- I would think you would be.
Well, look, Pierce, I promise you, heads will roll.
I'm going to the top on this one.
You'll get your satisfaction.
The people ofTai-Dong will be taken care of.
- You have my word.
- Okay, Major.
Good-bye.
Bye.
Nu? The Major happens to be the Korean distributor for crapola.
Gentlemen, I believe the ball is in our court.
## [Pierce's Voice.]
"Dear Dad, "you always said Senator Baxter was good for a favor "because of all your work in the primaries.
"Well, I got a favor that needs doing.
There's a little village over here called Tai-Dong or at least there was.
" - Want to play sardines tonight? - Sardines? My tent.
I'll bring the oil.
- Hawkeye, can I see you for a second? - One second.
What's up, Radar? Well, I have this problem.
Radar, Radar, we give you these lectures, show you these training films.
No, no, come on, listen, I'm seri Uh, if a certain M.
D.
Doctor around here sent off a certain letter to a certain male parent, not his mother, to get in touch with a certain senator about a certain favor, he shouldn't be too certain that that letter didn't end up in a certain whole other place.
I didn't do it! Your mail's being stopped at Division H.
Q.
! That letter was between me and my father, damn it! Hey! I just got her! - Now I've gotta glue the arm.
- Ah, glue you, Henry! Whatever happened to personal liberty around here? Why am I bothering to ask? Maybe I better go to Seoul and tell this to the papers.
Or to Edward R.
Murrow, if he's in town.
- Pierce.
- What is it? What? - I wouldn't try to leave camp.
- What, I'm under arrest? I didn't say that.
You're restricted.
- That means I'm under arrest.
- Not at all.
You're only restricted up to the point where you're uh, where you're, uh You're under arrest.
Henry, what's happened to you? You sneak off behind our backs and enlist? - You regular army now? - Sit down, Pierce! That's an order! - You're forcing me to stand.
- Please sit down! - That's an order I can take.
- Now, just hold your bladder, Pierce.
This poop sheet's just come in from General Clayton's office down in Seoul.
The army has started rebuilding Tai-Dong.
It's gonna be better than it ever was.
All-new housing, a temple, a town hall with inside toilets, a shopping center and they're getting the first soft ice cream stand in all of East Asia.
- Well? - That's terrific.
I'm glad.
Now what about rebuilding the truth? The what? This is compensation.
Where's their admission of responsibility? Well, soft ice cream is a pretty good admission! - Who are you calling? - I'm going over your fly to General Clayton.
- Radar? - Wait.
What do you want to call the general for? - You've got one out of two.
You're batting.
500! - Radar! The general's on his way here, Hawkeye.
I begged you not to call the general! Now he's on his way! - You broke the other arm.
- And I broke the other arm! I broke Here's the glue, sir.
You can't get arms.
Ah, Pierce, Mclntyre.
Nice to see you taking it easy.
- No wounded, huh? - Except for us.
[Laughs.]
That sense of humor.
Disgusting! Look at them, sucking up to the general.
- Henry.
- General.
Say, how would you, just to get it started, like a little refreshment? You want to slip into your barbecue apron, Henry? No, I mean a drink.
How would you like a drink? - You know, as an icebreaker? - I don't think that'll be necessary.
Well, I don't either.
It was just a thought.
What'll you have? - My usual.
- Comin' up.
One sherry and ginger ale.
All right, men.
Let's talk Tai-Dong.
We get the impression that your people have been pouring manure on this whole thing in the hope that something beautiful will grow.
Oh, Pierce, I don't think you should say "manure" to the general.
- If the shoe fits - Well, there is that.
- We've been getting double-talk in triplicate.
- Unanswered calls.
I've seen the plans for the rebuilding, General.
- Censored mail.
- Inside toilets, soft ice cream.
Makes you feel the whole war is worthwhile.
- Hope that's okay.
Little more ginger ale? - Mmm.
Look, that's fine.
Just bring the check.
We're doing everything we can for these people.
We've awarded a contractor a $6 million rebuilding deal.
Oh, that's a fair price for a $2 million job.
- About $100,000 per head we knocked off.
- Now, hold it, fella.
The other guy did that.
It was a North Korean attack.
It was in all the papers.
Look, General, we operated on a lot of those casualties.
We got X rays, medical records.
We even got shrapnel fragments.
- You've got 'em all.
- We gave them to Major Stoner.
Stoner? Stoner? Oh, yes, yes, uh He's doing a bang-up job for COMSERVPAC in Honolulu.
Uh-oh.
Put all your fragments in your COMSERVPAC and smile, smile, smile.
Look, boys, a little fatherly advice, huh? You're not regular army.
You think you're gonna leave here and pick up your civilian practice and that's that.
Listen, everything they put on your record like "agitator," "boat-rocker" is gonna follow you.
The army's got mighty long arms.
- Oh, come on.
- Let me finish, Captain.
I was just gonna suggest that.
You find your work here difficult, distasteful.
But you are back here, behind the lines.
It's relatively calm.
Oh, definitely.
I was thinking of building a house here after the war.
You could easily find yourself assigned to a first-aid station, right where it's happening.
You serious? I'm getting pressure from above.
Now, look, let's play ball, huh? For the good of the outfit.
You don't wanna give the Red, White and Blue a black eye, do you? Boy, that gets ya right where ya live, sir.
I've got to hand it to you, General.
You buried the evidence, you got rid of the guy who knew the evidence, and now if we press this, you'll take away our breathing privileges.
- Well done, General.
- Take another star out of petty cash.
- General Clayton, we'd like to see you, sir.
- Not now, ladies.
- I've got a stake in this, and I won't be left out.
- Fair is fair.
- Major Burns was on duty that day.
- Indeed, I was.
I pulled American shrapnel out of those poor villagers myself.
- Luckily, he saved some of the fragments.
- Under my pillow.
The fragment fairy will reward you.
Go on, Frank.
Uh, no need to.
This matter is closed.
They're getting a brand-new temple.
It's never even been prayed in.
I also have these X rays and completely documented medical records.
- Go, Frank, go.
- Now, commendation never entered my mind when I decided to report this terrible but very human mistake made by a few of our own brutal but well-meaning fighting men.
The signed affidavits are by Major Burns and by myself, who was also there.
This requires a little rethink and reevaluation.
We re-agree with you, General.
- Henry, get me a driver.
- Certainly.
The general's driver's waiting, sir.
Hell, even the army has to take its lumps.
I guess this is one of those times.
- Sir, um - We'll send this to you after we read our story in Stars and Stripes.
- Page one this time.
- Not back on page 14 under pro station addresses.
All right, I'll tell you what.
You write it up, I'll get it printed.
Your gun, sir.
Oh, you forgot your driver! - Are they something? - I love 'em.
Take her.
He's mine.
- Stop it! Frank! Frank! - You leave her alone! - You leave me alone! - You know you love it! [Screaming.]
Pierce, you are a degenerate person! Uh, Hawkeye? Hawkeye, you busy? Just changing a tire.
What is it? Uh, this letter came special delivery.
I thought it might be important.
- With your luck, you've been drafted.
- Hold this, Nurse.
Hold your own nurse.
I'm busy.
[Laughing.]
Read the letter.
I'm gonna close the peritoneum.
Give me three-oh chromi G.
I.
- Are you ready? - Yeah.
Uh, "May 24, 1951.
Dear Son" - It's from your father.
- Good guess.
Uh, "I'm afraid Senator Baxter can't be of much help to you.
"It seems he was just indicted for influence peddling and faces 20 years in the pokey.
" [Laughing.]
Uh, there's more.
"Sure makes me sorry I stuffed the ballot box for him.
Love, Dad.
" [Laughing.]