Master of None (2015) s02e04 Episode Script

1 Crispen Caruthers was a beloved son, brother and uncle.
His love for his family was only matched by his insatiable love of model trains.
He was a noble man.
And I believe that Crispen, the conductor, as he liked to call himself, is all aboard a big train - Oh, fuck it, why not? - with the tracks leading straight to Heaven.
Hello.
Nope.
Okay, next up Dev, 33.
Hmm.
- Mm-hmm.
- Mm, okay.
Think he likes pasta much? What a clown.
- Can I see your phone for a second? - Yeah.
Just want to What the fuck? - That was so rude.
- Oh, come on.
I got a match! Boom.
- Dev? - Christine? - Christine.
- Hey, good to meet you.
Hey, and good to meet you.
Oh, wait.
Oh, you got something on your jacket.
- Oh.
- Is this fur? Yeah, I work at a dog hotel.
Wait.
What? A dog hotel? Yep.
It's, um, called Chateau Marmutt.
We just opened.
Can we not talk about this, please? - Sure, sure.
Oh, I know that place.
- Okay.
It's over on 52nd and Bark Avenue.
Wow.
Okay, that was your one dog pun.
- Okay, are you happy? - Yes, I am.
All right, let's go.
- Thanks.
- Yeah.
It was really weird seeing you on the app.
Last I saw you, you'd just gotten fired from that Garden Depot commercial, right? I know.
You want to sit over there? - Yeah.
- Yeah, go.
It's always weird when you see friends on these things, 'cause it's like, all right, are we swiping right 'cause we're friends, or is it a possible boning situation? Right.
Let's be clear, we're both here as dates, yes? Yes.
Let's avoid the phrase "possible boning situation," though, right? Oh, for sure.
Poor choice of words.
I meant to say, um "potential for romance and/or magic.
" Yeah, okay.
Mm-hmm.
Hey, Andrea, can I get a glass of that light red you poured me the other day? - You want to try this? - Yeah, sure.
So what's the deal with it? Is it special? Um hmm, well, apparently, the winemaker loves '90s R&B, and he plays it throughout the vineyards, and it really helps open up the depth of flavor within the grapes.
I don't know anything about wine.
It's from France.
Oh.
So how's work going? Everything well? I'm kind of "fun-employed" right now.
Just going out a lot, having a good time.
Oh, so just going to clubs and getting drunk a lot? Mm-hmm.
Plus, my parents are, like, super rich, so it's like, why get a job, right? Yeah, just keep using their money, right? After I left LA, I moved to New York, and for the last couple years, I've been working as a lawyer, mostly in the tech industry.
- Cool.
- What do you do? I host a competitive cupcake show called Clash of the Cupcakes.
Cool.
Um I'm out of stuff to say, so I think I'll probably head out.
Okay, well, that was a really fun five minutes.
I think I'll just, uh, grab these drinks, then.
- All right, bye.
- Bye.
So the original Chateau Marmutt is in LA, but they just opened up the branch in New York and that's where I work now.
- Is it fun? - No, it's horrible.
There's dogs everywhere going crazy.
Whoa.
All right, last question.
Have any famous dogs stayed there? Maybe that dog from The Artist might have stayed there once.
What? Hey, guys, a table just opened up if you want to grab it.
- Sure.
- Cool.
Hey, so what was that pup like? Ugh, huge asshole.
Pissed everywhere.
- Never tipped the staff.
- Mm.
I heard that dog from Frasier is a real prick, too.
So, yeah, after I got out of art school, I started working in galleries.
Oh, where'd you go to school? - Oh, me too.
- Oh, cool.
All right, bathroom break.
Is she going to the bathroom or going to do coke? Sorry I had to cancel on Sunday.
I had to tune in for that WWE SummerSlam.
Pay-Per-View.
You watch? Uh, no, I missed it.
How was it? Amazing.
Dean Ambrose wrestled Samoa Joe for the WWE Championship.
And Samoa Joe is about to hit him with the muscle buster, but then Ambrose put him into a crossface chickenwing.
Then Samoa Joe reversed into his submission finisher, the Coquina Clutch.
Okay, I-I'm not sure I follow, but that sounds entertaining.
You think if I was a wrestler my name could be Samosa Joe? Samosa Joe? Like the savory Indian snack? Just a play on Samoa Joe? No, it's Samoa Joe like, from the Isle of Samoa.
Can I ask you a question that you might find a little offensive? Mm, I'm intrigued.
Do you just date Indian girls? No, I date people of different ethnicities, skin tones.
What about you? Is it Indian dudes only? - No, no, I'll date anyone.
- Well, now I feel special.
But I did, uh, date this white guy once, and then I found out later that he dated four Indian girls before me.
What? Four? That's fetish territory.
That's what I said.
But, like, where's the line, right? Like, what if a girl dated two Indian dudes? Hmm Two's okay, but it can't be back to back, 'cause then it's like, "Mm, fetish is brewing.
" It's like this lady just realized she's really into Indian dudes.
Right.
But what about 20 in a row? Mm that lady is definitely an Indian-dude serial killer.
Like, she for sure has an Indian guy in her freezer.
There's, like, a head.
Like, maybe a hairy arm.
Right by a box of Toaster Strudels.
Oh, my God, this place is so cool.
Okay, so you host a cupcake show.
That's amazing.
I really like cupcakes.
My favorite kind of cupcakes vanilla frosted, but I also like strawberry frosting, too.
Okay, so I know your job.
Siblings, tell me.
How many do you have? One little brother.
You? Only child.
Younger sister.
Five brothers.
Nine? That's a lot.
I said five.
Still kind of a lot, though.
Sorry.
Work stuff.
Um so I get the impression that you're not really, like, a clique-ish kind of Indian.
What does that mean? You know, like an Indian person who just hangs out with Indian people.
No.
I mean, I got my Indian buds, though.
You know, Ravi, Tanvi, got our jacked guy, Anush.
I used to be in one of those Indian cliques in college.
You know what's weird? Is there's always one white person in those groups.
Yes.
I was in one also.
And there was this white girl, Marissa, and we were out one time, and I said, "Hey, Marissa, do you want a drink?" And this is what she did.
No! She can't do that.
She did the head bob.
- That's Indian use only.
- That's what I'm saying.
- I could not believe that.
- Yeah, that's Ridiculous.
I've never seen a white person do that.
I've n It's It should be off limits, right? It definitely should be.
Oh, gosh, I'm so sorry.
I really need to get this.
- I'll be right back.
- All right.
So I got to give you props.
I really enjoyed your opening message to me.
- Oh, thanks.
- Be honest, though.
- Is that a line you send to everyone? - What? No.
I would never do such a thing.
I don't believe you.
All right, you show me your messages, I'll show you mine.
Mm I don't know.
- Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
- Okay.
- Don't back out of this, though.
- I won't.
I won't.
I'm here.
All right, I send it to everyone, but everything else is custom charming stuff just for you.
All right, all right, fair enough, fair enough.
- Let's see yours.
- All right.
Okay, here it is.
Whoa! - There's so many guys.
- I know.
I know.
It just keeps going! I know.
I've pretty much stopped responding to most of it.
See, that's why the Whole Foods line is key.
It breaks through the clutter.
- No, it's true.
- Is that what most guys say? Just "Hey," "Hey," "Hey," "Hi," "Hi," "Hey," "Hey," "Hi," "Hey," "Hi"? Yes, yes, but, I mean, I also get that, like, really gross, like, disgusting stuff, too, a lot.
Like what? Well, like, there was the guy who was like, "Hey, just come on over, and we'll fuck on my hammock.
" A guy sent me his penis and was like, "This is my penis.
" Fetish-y Indian stuff.
Fetish-y Latina stuff.
Fetish-y short Filipino girl stuff.
One guy texted me a picture of a handwritten letter.
That seems nice.
It just said, "What up with them big old titties?" In permanent marker.
Mm, that's not as nice.
And then he drew two big old titties.
Oh, being a black woman on these apps completely different situation.
I mean, compared to my white friends, I get way less activity.
I also find that I rarely match with guys outside of my race.
Same for me.
A lot of my matches are Indian women.
I did read somewhere that the people that do worst on the apps are Asian men and black women.
Well, it's great white people finally have an advantage somewhere.
- Cheers to them.
- To white people.
I am so sorry.
Was that long? Yeah, it was about 15 minutes.
Yeah, that's really bad.
I'm really sorry.
Um, let me buy us a nice bottle to make up for it? All right.
What'd you do over the weekend? Uh, nothing much.
Some friends and I went to the Guggenheim.
What about you? I got hammered all weekend.
There's this French guy.
His name's Hubert.
He's, like, this super-rich guy who does nice stuff for me 'cause he thinks I'm gonna fuck him, and, like, I'm never gonna fuck him.
I mean, I, like, fucked him once, but I'm never gonna fuck him again.
Anyway, he flew us out to the Hamptons.
It was completely insane.
You would not believe it.
Sounds completely insane.
And then when I got home, I watched that movie Mortal Kombat: Annihilation.
And then I watched it again.
It's a horrible movie.
They kill Johnny Cage in the first scene.
Like, really? Uh, yeah, I agree.
That's an odd story move.
All right, now try this.
I think you'll really love it.
All right.
Mmm! That is good.
Good.
Okay, good.
I have friends who are super into wine that turned me on to it.
But I'm glad you like it.
Yeah.
Now it feels like you were gone for five minutes instead of 15.
My anger is subsiding.
Okay, good.
Phew.
Cheers.
Cheers.
Ahh.
Excuse me.
Can you please refill my water? Okay.
Thank you.
What a bitch.
Is horrible service the thing here? I don't think so.
You want to get one more? No, I-I'm pretty tired.
I think I'm gonna head home.
Yeah.
Me too.
Mm, this weed pen is really awesome.
- I know, right? - Yeah.
- See how it lights up? - I know.
It's so pretty.
It's like we're in the future.
Um, hold up.
Did you just see that older Asian businessman licking a giant lollipop? - Yes! What is his story? - I don't know.
Maybe he's really into lollipops, and he's tired of housing six at a time? Maybe he was a giant, and someone hit him with a shrinking ray but they missed the lollipop.
- Ooh, that's why it's still giant.
- Exactly.
Oh, shit, those two white guys are fighting! Oh, God.
All right, I ain't stepping in, but I'm gonna call 911.
I'm sorry.
Can you be quiet? I'm trying to Snap this.
- What the fuck? - Sona! - Hey.
Oh, my God.
- Patrick! It is so good to see you.
What's going on? Uh, not much.
I just moved back to the city.
- Oh.
- Are you still at The Times? Yeah, yeah.
Just grinding away.
I just got back into town.
I was in Syria.
- Hey, I'm Dev.
- Oh, hey.
Patrick.
Patrick's a war photographer.
Uh, this is Dev.
He hosts Clash of the Cupcakes.
Oh.
Kind of a different war we're fighting on our set.
So, uh, Syria? That must have been really intense.
Yeah, last week we were in this tiny village.
We thought we were in a safe zone, but out of nowhere, this car explodes, and I had to get dragged out of there by my security detail.
It was harrowing.
Oh, God, I can't even imagine.
Last week, uh, Mario Lopez was on Clash of the Cupcakes.
That was pretty harrowing, too.
To be clear, I was joking, but I mean, Mario Lopez was on the show, but he's a pretty nice guy.
Right.
Well, Sona It's so great to see you.
I-I'd love to catch up sometime or Yeah, I'd love that.
Bye.
See you.
I go everywhere on my bike.
It's the best.
Aren't you scared you'll get hit by a car and die? Mm, nah, I've been hit, like, five times.
This arm is completely metal.
Whoa.
So you're like the Winter Soldier? - Who's that? - Captain America's best friend! The Winter Soldier? He's a super assassin? Also has a metal arm? Real name Bucky Barnes? Fun fact my ex-girlfriend nicknamed my belly Bucky.
Oh, so to be clear, on our first date, we're gonna talk about your ex-girlfriend and comic books? And my belly.
So, um, how's the acting stuff going? Keeping busy.
Um, I actually just wrapped.
I was filming a airline safety video.
Oh, who'd you play? I was the bad example of a woman who puts on the child's mask before her own.
Juicy role.
Excuse me, guys.
I don't mean to interrupt, but are you Dev from Clash of the Cupcakes? Um yeah.
That's me.
Oh, man, uh I don't want to freak you out, but your show helped me through a tough time.
My friend was going through chemo, and we would watch Clash of the Cupcakes together, and your upbeat attitude, it got us through, man.
She's totally healthy now, and I think you had a big part to do with that.
Wow.
Uh, I'm really flattered.
You know, I was just doing the gig, hosting the show.
Not to me, man.
Not to me.
What's the craziest thing you've ever done? Ever? I don't know.
I'll tell you mine.
This one time I went on a date, and, somehow, I wind up in the bathroom giving the bartender a hand job.
- Whoa.
- I mean, he was hot.
I totally wanted to fuck, but I figured I'd go back to my date 'cause he got me a nice dinner.
You know So I come back, and my date was like, "Uh, what's up?" And I was like, "Not much.
" Want to get another round? I'll go get it.
- I-I'm good.
- Are you sure? Yeah.
So I'm sitting in front of the PS4, look at the clock, realize I'm eight hours deep into an Overwatch sesh.
I'm starving by then, so I go over to my ramen place, Mr.
Taka.
I know Mr.
Taka.
That place is good.
Oh, it's delicious.
I love their chicken ramen.
It has these really nice yuzu lemon notes.
Big fan of yuzu.
I wrote this whole article about it for my blog.
Wait.
I read that article.
Are you the Ramaniac? Yeah.
Keep it on the DL, man.
I got to protect my secret identity to have integrity for my blog.
Yeah, yeah.
I can't go to ramen restaurants, have people start recognizing me.
The chef's gonna come out asking for my photo.
I don't know.
It's a whole thing.
I get it, sure.
I am a fan.
I-I read all the reviews.
I have it on my bookmarks toolbar.
Oh, that's nice.
It's great to meet a fan.
Uh, you know, we should go get ramen together sometime.
Yeah, that'd be fun.
I'll come clean, I always assumed the Ramaniac was a man.
Oh, I get that.
I've been told my writing style has a masculine energy to it, you know, like Hemingway or Bukowski.
By the way, you may have heard of my dad, John Larkin.
Uh sorry.
I don't know him.
Ba-da-ba-da-ba-bee, Ba-ba-ba-da-bo Ba-ba-ba-da-bo - Fucking Scatman? You're the son of Scatman? Yeah, I am.
Here, I ordered these shots for the three of us.
- Wow.
- Thank you.
Hey, to the Scatman.
To the Scatman! Is everything okay? Oh, yeah, sorry.
It's kind of an emergency.
Oh, no problem.
Wait.
Are you on the app? Oh.
Yeah.
Well, that's not an emergency.
That's just kind of shitty, right? We're on a date.
Kind of.
Sorry.
It's just it's only ten o'clock, and I might be able to meet someone later.
Plus, I really like swiping.
What do you think of that guy? Let's see the rest of his profile.
Um, sir, do you mind if I put some music on? - Yeah, sure.
- What are you throwing on? Um, I think you might be familiar with it.
Yes! Bee, ba-ba-ba-da-bo Ba-ba-ba-ba, ba-da-ba Oh, wait.
I can't.
Sorry.
I have a boyfriend.
What? Then why are you on the app? I like to use it to make friends.
No, that's not what it's for.
It's a dating app.
It's called Love At First Sight.
Well, maybe they should make one for friends, then.
I'm having a hard time sympathizing with this problem.
Well, do you want to hang out next week as friends? - You could meet Rod.
- Who's that? That's my boyfriend.
Sure.
How'd you meet Rod? On the app.
Oh.
Oh - It's not happening.
- I'm so sorry.
No, it's fine.
I, you know I-I was just riding the high from the whole "Scatman" thing.
- And so I thought - Yeah.
- it was gonna go that way.
- Yeah, uh But I guess not.
I'm sorry.
It's not I-I had a lot of fun.
I-I just think it's best if we're just friends, though, you know? Sure, yeah.
You know what? I think I might go ahead and turn off "Scatman.
" Okay.
So, um, how much further is your place? It's about 30 blocks away from here.
Ah.
Thirty blocks.
Um, this is me.
All right.
Do you want to come over to my place and maybe have a drink? Uh, yes, but I can't 'cause I just met you.
So Fair enough.
I mean, I wasn't implying No, no, of course not.
I was thinking we'd have a drink, maybe play Seinfeld Monopoly.
Never played, but sounds fun.
It is fun.
Sometime.
Maybe maybe we could do something next week.
Yeah, I'm around.
I'll give you a ring.
Okay.
- All right, bye.
- All right, cool, bye.
Mm, do you do you want to grab a condom from that jar? - Yeah.
- Yeah.
Hey, sorry I can't have you sleep over.
I have to be at Chateau Marmutt so early tomorrow.
Oh, I understand.
It's no problem.
Um hey, random question.
Um, what's up with the jar? Mm, it's, um, just a gift that a friend gave me.
Isn't it a little racist? Racist? You can't use that shade of black to depict African-American people.
No one else has ever been offended by it.
Have any black people seen it? Uh, I haven't had any African-American guests.
So I'm the person with the darkest skin tone that's seen it, and I'm the most offended.
Don't you see a correlation there? So you think I'm racist now, but you still had sex with me? Y-yeah.
I did.
I mean, I was kind of caught up in the moment.
Don't you think that's hypocritical? It definitely doesn't reflect well on my principles, no.
I think you should go.
Well just just show it to a black person sometime.
That's all I'm asking.
This was all coming from a good place.
- I-I don't know what else to - Get get out of my apartment.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
All right.