Masters of Sex s02e04 Episode Script
Dirty Jobs
Previously on Masters Of Sex Because I wasn't sure when I would be starting at Memorial, I haven't yet told Lillian.
Greathouse feels it may not be possible for you to come over to Memorial.
Great to see you, Bill.
I hope you're treating him right, Barbara.
Because this one, he's got a bigger following than "Gunsmoke.
" You, my dear, are not married to a saint.
You are to keep 100 miles away from that study.
Unofficially, I am very interested in what happens behind closed doors-- very, very interested.
Metastasis was always a possibility.
I know what to research now.
I'm going to have to hand the work off to someone who can fight the fight.
You're sterile and yet engaging in fertility treatments? It's not my problem.
Last I looked, your new job came with all the zeroes on that check my husband wrote.
Attention all hospital staff.
Dr.
Austin Langham has spent the last two months fornicating with his sister-in-law.
Thought he would do the trick.
Having our son.
I know my husband was reticent about children.
Who ever heard of a grown man being afraid of his own child? I think you might have misunderstood what happened between us.
Of course we're not having an affair, Virginia.
We never were.
I'm a happily married man.
Continuing the work is a good idea but only if you understand the terms.
I agree.
If sex is merely a vehicle for procreation, then clearly, the end of fertility marks the end of sexual desire.
Yet Freud believed that menopause led to an increase in female libido.
As usual, Dr.
Freud presents no empirical evidence to substantiate his claim.
He wasn't all wrong, though.
The data does show certain physiological changes in women over 50-- a longer period of foreplay needed for lubrication, fewer vaginal contractions in the orgasm phase.
When did you see all of these participants? Oh, those are only a small sampling.
So you've resumed the study.
- Yes, of course.
- Without me.
I did everything I could, Virginia.
The board just wasn't impressed by your application.
Uh, I-I don't understand.
Try to see it from their perspective-- Limited experience, no higher education.
I tried to go back to school.
You tried, but you didn't see it through.
- You chose me instead.
- I chose the work.
Virginia, you thought it was about the work.
I always knew the truth.
And that became apparent in your application, so I'm sorry, but you really only have yourself to blame.
Because? For starters? Under "Current occupation," you wrote, "Mistress.
" You're up.
How long was I? An hour, maybe.
An hour? Why didn't you wake me? You looked like you needed to sleep.
Did you know you sleep with your mouth open, like a little baby bird? You don't sleep here.
Or read.
This isn't vacation.
I told the sitter I'd be home by 10:00.
It's only 9:15.
We still have-- Please get dressed.
You still need to get the study files out of my trunk.
Oh, goodbye, Silky.
And don't wait for me to write another story about you.
Drop in anytime.
Goodbye, Mr.
Thompson.
Aren't you gonna escort me to the door? Mr.
Thompson, my wife didn't mean anything.
We've been married for 25 years.
You're not gonna shoot me.
Why should I? If you want to get out of it, shoot yourself.
It's a mess, but it's all there-- Intake forms, instrument readings, sexual histories.
I could have used these the other day.
Barbara tried to make fliers for the study riddled with typos.
Any response yet? Oh, the phone hasn't stopped ringing.
I have seven interviews with prospective participants tomorrow, six the next day.
I meant any response from Greathouse about my position in the study.
Uh, why, h-he can't authorize me to hire you until the board signs off.
Has he even brought it up to them? I'm gonna make sure he does.
You should pull your car around so we can start loading these.
Well, m-maybe you should hold on to them.
Someone has to put them back into some kind of order.
I was under the impression that someone was called your secretary.
Oh, Barbara can barely alphabetize.
Besides, you know better than anyone how all the pieces fit together.
I-I want you to stay connected to the work.
So I-I'm not qualified as a researcher, but it's fine for me to play secretary in my free time.
Virginia, I'm as unhappy with this situation as you are.
Are you-- Are you taking diet pills? I'm selling them.
You're holding on to them for a friend.
No, I'm selling them.
Without the extra money from the study, I can barely afford to pay my rent.
I need to make a living, Bill.
This morning we're driving in, and the parking attendant says, "Morning, Mrs.
Moretti.
" And it takes me a solid minute to realize he meant me.
I mean, your whole life, you're walking around as Betty Dimello and the next day, you're married and someone's calling you some other lady's name.
It's like if, all of a sudden, I started calling you Dr.
Lipschitz.
Mrs.
Moretti.
You know, it makes me feel like I'm pretending to be somebody I'm not.
Know what I mean? They had a free subscription offer, so I figured, "Why not?" But then I stumbled on this article.
Turns out a new baby is very traumatic for a man, as though his home has been transformed into an oversized playpen.
Messy, noisy.
There are smells.
Which explains why the moment Bill walks through the door, the first thing he does is take out the diaper pail.
It also explains why Bill needs to feel things are calm at home, orderly, unchanged.
No bottles on the counters, no pacifiers stuck between cushions.
It's also why today is important.
I mean, I know it seems like just a silly luncheon, but these are the wives of Bill's new colleagues.
If things go well here, they report as much back to their husbands.
That helps Bill at work as well as at home.
Is that a Dixie cup on his? It's a trick I learned from changing my brother's diapers.
You'll lose your eyes if you're not careful with boys.
Maybe I should have axed you before I put it on.
Asked me before you put it on.
We talked about this before, remember? Don't worry.
You'll get it.
We should have a sample pap smear kit for Dr.
Papanikolau to bring to Florida with him.
I put one together last week.
Several sample kits.
At least three or four, even, to be safe.
Four seems reasonable, don't you think? He's only in St.
Louis once a year for the Thalberg conference.
Does he prefer coffee or tea? Tea with cream and a little with a little the little squares and the sugar's in-- Sugar cubes.
You're just nervous about tomorrow.
They did name the pap smear after Dr.
Papanikolau, after all.
It makes sense that you would want to impress him.
I'm not trying to impress anyone.
Dr.
Papanikolau happens to be a very respected figure in the field.
That's all.
His support for our program would be enormously useful.
Especially to you, as you continue with our work.
DePaul, Lillian? Save my seat.
How long have you worked here? Three years in March.
I'm over at Maternity.
Oh, my girlfriend Peggy used to work there.
How do you like it? Truthfully? The stress of working in a hospital-- Some days I just want to curl up with a piece of chocolate cake.
I know what you mean.
We're supposed to give these to patients for nausea.
I can imagine it's tough being surrounded by so much suffering every day.
Especially when everyone's so skinny.
I did try the grapefruit diet, but all it did was give me cavities.
That is the problem with fad diets.
T-they promise you the moon and the stars, but you just end up feeling hungry all the time.
That's why I started using Cal-o-Metric.
We'll be following the exact same protocol as you did when you participated in the study at Washington University.
But what would I tell my husband? What did you tell him before? That there were two doctors, and one of them was a lady.
That's the only reason he let me do it, Dr.
Masters.
I'm sorry, but if it's just going to be you here, alone, watching I'm sorry.
Part of the study? Not anymore.
Oh, shame.
Yes, and without Mrs.
Johnson, we can look forward to a lot more qualified volunteers declining to participate.
Mrs.
Johnson is instrumental in this part of the process.
Nobody else puts people at their ease-- Bill, I get it.
You and I-- we've been at this a long time.
You reach a certain point in your career-- same routine day in and day out.
It's like if you never see another torn perineum again, it'll be too soon.
So, you start a sex study, get a research assistant.
Mrs.
Johnson is indispensable to this study.
She may seem indispensable to you, but to the board, she's, uh, a little press secretary.
Things aren't always what they seem, are they? For instance, Barbara doesn't seem to know the first thing about secretarial work, and yet, apparently, she's essential to you.
I'm simply asking that Mrs.
Johnson be brought on to this study because she is essential to the work.
I'll float the idea at tomorrow's board meeting, see what they think.
What? They're out of ambrosia? You know, last year, when you left the study, I thought to myself, "Why? Why would Virginia leave the work she loves to go back to typing memos?" Not to mention, "Why would Bill let her go?" What are you talking about, Austin? Now I'm thinking, "What complicates every relationship? What splits two people up?" Elise is now staying at her mother's across the river in Alton.
So when it's my turn for an overnight with the kids, I drive to Alton, where I pick them up, then take them to the Chancery Park Plaza Hotel.
I saw you there last night with Bill.
Well, you should have said something.
We could have all gotten a drink.
Bill and I have decided to go ahead and publish the study.
Now, it's still in the early stages-- Compiling the data, drafting the texts.
Bill's not welcome here, obviously.
I'm not welcome at his hospital.
And we can't work late hours at his house with the new baby.
We can't exactly discuss sex research at my house with my kids there, so we work out of the hotel.
Then why did you two stop working together? Bill thought that we were ready to present to the faculty, and I said we had not done enough to prepare them for what they were about to hear, let alone the site of a pulsating vagina on a projection screen.
So we had a terrible fight, and in the end, I quit.
And then after the debacle with the presentation, Bill admitted that he was wrong and he apologized and he asked me to come back.
So that's it? Yes, that's it.
And we took the children to see The Music Man with Robert Preston.
Oh, I hear that is fabulous! - It's fabulous.
- Ohh! Oh, I couldn't drag Bill to a Broadway musical.
He'd probably bring a journal on uterine fibroids to read during the slow parts.
So, how does he like the new hospital? Oh, he couldn't be happier.
And that study of his-- Is that still happening, too? I bet you know all the secrets.
- Uh - Libby, do tell us the most delicious thing you've learned from all of his experiments.
Uh, well, um I actually worked on the study myself for a bit in his office, where I got to see firsthand just how boring it all is.
The charts and the graphs and the incomprehensible diagram.
Someone had a nice long nap.
Oh, my goodness.
Has that adorable creature been here this whole time? Oh, he is gorgeous, Libby.
And she is so wonderful with him.
- Can I hold? - Mm-hmm.
Ahh.
Where did you learn to be so great with children? You're so young.
Oh, well my mama passed when I was 10, and Mm-hmm.
I had to bring up my brothers and sisters.
But even before that, you know, I had baby cousins in Joplin-- Coral, she doesn't want your family history.
She was just being polite.
She axed.
Either I'm-- I'm losing my mind, or I'm-- His hair.
Is there something crawling in it? All my sales reports are there.
I sold over $40 worth of products this week.
It's almost double what I did the week before.
Hmm.
Be still my heart.
I did all of that without using your sales script, by the way.
No wonder your numbers stink.
I don't-- I don't feel comfortable reading from a script that deliberately makes women feel bad about themselves.
And yet women who feel great about themselves don't buy diet products, which leaves us with a conundrum.
Listen, if you really want to get good at this-- - Oh, I don't.
- Oh.
I don't want to get good at this.
Selling diet pills may be enough for most housewives that walk through your door, but I already have a career.
Oh, you're following your dreams.
Yes.
At the moment, I need something to supplement my income, but-- Have you ever heard of William Elvis Sloan? He invented Cal-o-Metric? He came up with how to make a toilet flush.
Was that his calling? Did he wake up every morning tickled pink and skipping off to work? Probably not.
But he died a very rich man.
So, sure, follow your dreams.
It's a lovely slogan for a life most people can't afford to live.
But who knows? Maybe you're special.
I just asked for the check.
I assumed you weren't coming.
I had to turn in my sales report.
Of course.
I wouldn't want our work to interfere with your diet pills.
Austin saw us last night leaving our room together.
A-apparently, his wife is staying with her mother in Alton, so when he takes the kids, he stays at this hotel.
Jesus.
It's not a problem.
I handled it.
Says who? If someone like Austin can walk through here, that means anyone can.
So luckily, there's nothing strange about two colleagues having a drink in a hotel lobby.
Virginia, I am a married man.
You do understand what it would mean if this were to get out.
I do.
Which means it would probably be imprudent for us to head upstairs, wouldn't it? It's a mess, I know.
I wasn't expecting you home until late.
I, uh-- I hope you ate something.
I haven't made a thing for dinner.
Everything's fine.
We found lice in Johnny's hair, but I got a book from the library, and we just need to wash everything-- all the fabric in the house-- and it shouldn't be a problem.
The baby's crying.
I know the baby's crying.
The baby has been crying all day.
I can't get the baby to stop crying.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
You have enough to worry about.
Now the girl brings in lice.
- Coral? - Who else? I've never had lice.
You've never had lice.
No one that we know has ever had lice.
You don't have to wash everything.
Libby, just the baby's clothes and his blankets, then tomorrow, you can scrub his hair with the medicated shampoo they sell at the supermarket.
These are just a few harmless insects.
They'll be gone in a day or two.
See? It's so much nicer when we can sort these things out together.
I'll, uh, take out the diaper pail.
Initial aim of the program is to expand access to early screening through a systematic outreach effort to physicians and to to Hospitals.
And eventually, we hope to establish a research facility at Washington University to develop new methods of detection and treatments of cervical cancer.
But that's still years in the future.
I am creating a research center of my own at the University of Miami.
- Are you really? - Mm-hmm.
How very interesting.
Oh.
This is the prototype for the testing kit we'll be sending out.
We've included a skort frim slip.
Pardon? A skort frim slip.
There's a short film strip.
Yes.
It is short.
Do you have any questions? Hey, uh, Doc? Do you time it so we arrive at the exact same moment every morning, or is it just the heavens conspiring against me? Actually, uh, we wait till we see your car pull in.
Morning! Gene came to give a donation.
Well, you've been more than generous already.
Not that kind of donation.
Uh, poor Gene's been getting antsy with all this testing we're doing.
He's been asking when we're gonna move on.
Move on to? Well, Betts says you're good on her end, but you just need a sample of my, uh swimmers.
Pardon my French.
- Ready, Moretti? - Yeah.
Good morning, Dr.
Masters.
Betty, I-- Betty, I think it's best if you wait-- Don't worry.
I can take care of this.
If I could just have a-- You really know your way around here, don't you, honey? - I'm very observant.
- I really must insist.
All right, reading material.
Here.
You always had a thing for Ava Gardner.
Dr.
Masters, could I just-- All right, don't have too much fun in there.
Could I just have just a-- Barbara, what is it?! Dr.
Greathouse would like to know what time tonight's study's starting.
He would like to be there.
But make sure he knows this evening's area of focus, please.
Uh, uh, yes.
We'll be looking at men with enlarged prostates, primarily elderly men engaged in auto manipulation.
Auto I'm-- I'm sorry.
Old men masturbating! I know you're gonna say-- - In my office.
- Mm-hmm.
Uh, I'm almost done in here.
So maybe I could take the baby now? Actually, there's something that I would like to speak to you about.
Uh, I need you to use this tonight.
What is it? It's a special shampoo.
It, um It gets rid of anything that's The eggs, or, um Everyone that you live with-- your family-- they should use it, too.
I don't have lice, Mrs.
Masters.
They didn't come from me.
I never said that they did.
All you have to do is look in there and tell him he's got bum sperm.
And-- and this I would divine somehow by staring into a cup.
Put it under a magnifying glass.
It's a shame you didn't pursue a career in medicine because you obviously have a head for it.
He won't know the difference.
I know, and I will not tell a patient he is sterile when I know for a fact that the only reason he can't have children is because his wife underwent a tubal ligation.
You want to get all high and mighty? Fine.
Let's end it now.
You tell him I'm infertile.
Tell him the truth.
You tell him.
Hey.
Sorry to interrupt.
I, uh I crossed the finish line.
It's all just Well, it's cruel.
Ohh, you're out there in the john making baby batter, while in here, the doc gets the results from my very last test, and it turns out I'm the culprit.
I don't even know what to say.
Nobody does.
Only Betty knows.
You know, your whole life, you think all you got to do is find the right fella.
Getting knocked up, that's the easy part.
Then to find out your body's just not cut out for it.
Doc.
Is there anything that we can do? I'm afraid not.
Nothing at all? Uh, this is a real blow.
I Uh, thank you for trying.
I didn't do anything.
Really.
I think it's only right that, uh, you dispose of this, Betty.
Hey.
You okay? 'Cause I'm not sure I am.
Uh, I'm, you know devastated.
Hey.
But at least we still got each other.
Ah, hell.
Cashier.
Need to settle up the bill.
No.
Um, Dr.
Masters isn't gonna charge us for this morning.
No, we got to pay for all the fertility tests and the treatments that you had.
No, Gene, honey, let's just go home and start the healing process.
Bets.
We're here.
Let's just get it over with now.
Your taxi should be here any minute.
Dr.
Papanikolau, if I may speak frankly, you chair the committee for the Williams Prize, correct? I do.
Well, Dr.
DePaul would never say this, but that kind of endorsement-- it would be invaluable to our program, not to mention what it would mean to Dr.
DePaul on a more personal level coming from you.
You see, nobody has stood behind this program.
The administration had to be strongarmed into offering even a modicum of support.
Everything that Dr.
DePaul has accomplished here, she has had to do on her own with no help, no guidance.
I did not expect to be impressed this morning.
To be honest, I did not even remember Dr DePaul.
But I am always pleased years later to hear that a student considered me their mentor.
No, I didn't say "Mentor.
" And neither did Dr.
DePaul.
She says she never had a mentor, since mentors, I believe, were reserved for the male students.
And you may not have remembered her, but I guarantee you you will remember her now because what she has done here-- this program, all on her own-- it is remarkable.
Yes.
You are right about that.
Well, then, I hope you will take that into consideration as you make your selections for the Williams Prize.
Now, uh, you control the device yourself The speed, intensity, depth.
Ah, it's freezing.
Oh, uh, my partner usually warms it with a hot towel.
I-I've completely forgotten.
Well, uh The friction between the device and the vaginal wall should, uh, gradually increase the temperature.
Oh, I thought we were doing prostates.
Last-minute scheduling change.
I see you opted for old and fat instead.
Hmm.
Post-menopausal, actually.
Oh.
Well, pretend I'm not here.
I'll be invisible.
Fly on the wall.
Thar she blows.
Sorry, uh, no comments from the peanut gallery.
I know.
Have you spoken to the board yet about my assistant? Uh, yes, I did, actually.
I spoke to them at length about Mrs.
Johnson just this morning, and, uh, they haven't made a decision yet, obviously, but, uh, they seem open to it.
Well, I'm happy to speak to them myself to answer any questions.
Steady on, pal.
It's a process.
It takes time.
But trust me.
We'll get there.
Knock, knock.
I noticed you were burning the midnight oil.
Thought I'd say hello.
Hello.
Do you know what the worst part about this divorce is? It's not fighting with lawyers or driving a half an hour to see your kids or watching your wife of 12 years turn into some kind of a she-wolf.
It's eating potato chips for dinner.
I just keep fantasizing about Elise's cooking.
Beef Stroganoff, tuna noodle casserole, jiffy corn casserole, cheeseburger casserole.
Are you just going to sit there, talking? Because if so, I need a drink.
I didn't even know that water polo was a sport, let alone that it was my favorite sport.
Mm, I have a stack of exams to grade.
Give Virginia the answer sheet.
Let her do it.
One more.
To Virginia.
Virginia.
Funny.
The second I met Virginia, I thought I had her pegged.
Just another one of these women unwilling to do the hard work.
Ready to latch on to the first man that can take them to the next rung of the ladder.
Well, then, that just proves you are a good judge of character.
She's closer to you than-- than anyone.
How long have you known? So long.
Very long.
I saw them last night leaving the hotel.
Virginia, God bless her, tried-- tried to give me some baloney story about how they're publishing the study, working out of the hotel.
She used to do this thing every once in a while in the lab.
She would lean in and fix Bill's bow tie, just sort of straighten it out, you know? There is a fence around Bill Masters-- chain link with barbed wire.
Nobody gets through that.
Nobody gets close.
But Virginia-- Virginia would just waltz right through.
I think back now.
I mean, how could I have missed something so obvious? How could I not have known that they were sleeping together the entire time? Tatti Greathouse gave me a recipe for osso bucco.
She says it's better than the one at Bella Rossa.
I may not be home until after 9:00.
Oh.
I thought we could have a late supper.
We can close our eyes, pretend we're in Florence.
Here, I'll take that.
Good morning, Mrs.
Masters.
Good morning, Dr.
Masters.
Good morning.
Hello, Coral.
I see, um Well, I see that your hair is the same as it was yesterday.
Oh.
Yes, Mrs.
Masters.
I feel like it suits me.
I'm referring to the shampoo that I gave you.
Did you use it? My brother checked.
He didn't find nothing.
Anything.
He didn't find anything.
It costs me $4 to get my hair done every week.
I can't afford to mess it up.
So you didn't use the shampoo, even though you told me-- you promised me that you would.
Dr.
Masters, I don't have lice.
I swear I don't.
My brother said negroes can't even get it.
Coral, this conversation is between you and me.
Her brother is right.
Negroes do have tightly coiled, low-density hair, which makes it very inhospitable for lice.
I read about it in the, uh, Wellford Journal of Medicine.
So it does seem unlikely she would have them.
Unlikely is not impossible.
I don't see why we need to involve Dr.
Masters in this discussion at all.
I'll go get him.
Is everything all right? I cheated in college.
Calculus.
I could never get my head around calculus.
No matter how many hours I studied, I couldn't crack a B+.
And I was a straight A student.
I figured medical schools couldn't turn away a straight A student, even if she were a woman.
So I bought the final exam from the previous year from a rather unscrupulous graduate student named Marvin for $10.
I'm impressed.
Lillian DePaul breaks the rules.
It was a shortcut.
That's all.
Does it negate the work I've done since? Does one shortcut diminish everything that comes after? So? So that's my secret.
What's yours? My secret? I don't-- I don't have any secrets.
I don't believe you.
Virginia, you've seen me at my worst-- lying naked on a hospital sheet, limping to the car after radiation.
I've shared nearly everything with you-- too much, even.
It seems only right that you should share with me.
I Honestly, Lillian I'm not that interesting.
Coral, could you come here, please? This relationship is about trust.
I leave you in my house every day with my child, - and if I can't trust you-- - Mrs.
Masters.
What if something, God forbid, happened to Johnny? How do I know that you would tell me the truth? How can I trust anything that you say to me anymore? I'm sorry.
I need you to sit down, please.
Mrs.
Masters, I'll use the shampoo.
No, Coral, that is the point.
I can't trust you anymore to do it yourself.
If you don't sit down, Coral, you'll have to leave, and you will not be welcome back.
Put your head back, please.
The water warm enough? We need to be on the same side.
If you have a problem with something, you come to me.
Dr.
Masters is a busy man, and we don't need to involve him.
He's not a part of this.
You and I-- we need to stick together, okay? I hope you can understand that.
Please.
To get your hair redone.
It's my treat.
I appreciate you meeting me on such short notice, Dr.
Papanikolau.
I don't have much time.
My plane leaves in one hour.
This won't take long.
I called because I would like to ask you to take my program with you to Miami, to your new research center.
I'm sorry if there's been a misunderstanding, Lillian, but my staff is already in place.
No, I'm not asking for a job.
After some consideration I've come to the conclusion that this university simply doesn't have the proper personnel to fully realize the program.
You understand that if I were to oversee this, I would keep you informed of any major decisions, of course.
But in terms of the day-to-day management Once I give you the program, my role in it will be finished.
I understand.
Ah.
Bill.
So? So, what? So, uh, what's on the menu tonight? You know, actually, I was looking for you, Doug, uh, since I haven't had a chance to apologize yet for last night.
I realized afterwards I had completely forgotten to warn you about the transference effect.
Does, uh, transference involve attractive women? Well, yes, it can, but not necessarily.
Observation of sexual activity can produce a kind of, um, tension in the observers.
The researchers can find themselves experiencing certain uninvited erotic sensations.
Now, this can happen between a man and a woman.
It can also happen between a man and another man.
I'm not quite sure I understand.
Well, I've been doing this for a long time, Doug, so I'm immune to, uh, the transference effect myself, but I have seen other men in that small, confined space.
Well, the danger is high, and for those male observers that do get drawn in, well they often don't come out the other side.
At least not the same way they, uh, went in.
You mean like in wrestling.
Something like that.
You're nervous.
How can you tell? Slight generalized vasocongestion in your face and chest, mild fasciculation in the hands, feet.
You're flushed and trembling.
Is that bad? Uh Honest to God, Bill, this is better than my bachelor party.
Step outside, Doug.
Sure.
Yes? This is a scientific study, not a-a stag film in a frat house.
Your colleagues are very interested in your work.
I-I think you should appreciate that.
Get them out of here.
Look, I know that Bart Scully treated you like the second coming, but here, in this hospital, you're my employee.
And you have grossly misjudged me if you think I'm gonna allow those baboons to sit in my exam room slurping chop suey, mocking my work.
The terms of my employment, the terms between you and me are changing now.
You will clear my exam room, and you will never get near it again.
And you will authorize Mrs.
Johnson's hiring starting tomorrow morning.
Now, let me tell you how it works with secretaries.
You don't promote them to lofty positions above their pay grade or give them titles like "Research Assistant.
" I didn't even mention your assistant to the board, and you should thank me for that because I'm keeping you from being perceived as a man that only thinks with his cock and not with his head.
Now, as far as your study goes, your colleagues are on your side.
So relax.
You care for one, Bill? They're delicious.
Not that spicy.
- Hey! - Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, What the hell?! - Ohh! - What the fuck?! Uhh! Take it easy.
By the time I'm off the phone tomorrow morning, there's not gonna be a single hospital in the Midwest that's gonna let you so much as step through their doors! These need to be mimeographed and sent to Dr.
Papanikolau's office at Cornell as soon as possible.
He requested the files for our program? Maybe he wants to share them with the committee for the Williams Prize.
Actually, Dr.
Papanikolau will be bringing the program with him to his new research center in Miami.
What do you mean? You'll need to speak to someone in the audiovisual department to make duplicates of the film strip.
You gave him the program? Why didn't you tell me about this? I'm telling you right now.
After you've made your decision? I don't need to consult you about the course of my research.
Your research?! We're partners.
I-I believed it.
I worked like a dog to get this program off the ground! I recommended you for the Williams Prize! I didn't ask you to do that.
Well, I did it anyway! For you! Papanikolau-- he'll put his name on your work! You won't even be a footnote! I didn't go into medicine to see my name on a study, Virginia.
Loraine.
Virginia Johnson.
We met last summer at the block party.
Of course.
Are you still at Maternity? I am.
Although I've recently begun transitioning to a new line of work.
I'm the new neighborhood ambassador for Cal-o-Metric.
Oh.
This isn't one of those fad diets, is it? My sister tried the cabbage-soup one.
She ended up so bloated, we called her The Hindenburg.
No, I can assure you, Cal-o-Metric is not a fad at all.
No, our trademark nutritional formula is based on only the most cutting-edge science.
Well, good luck with it.
Let me ask you something, Loraine.
When you see yourself in the mirror, how do you feel? How do you feel? I feel great.
Well, you're lucky, then.
I don't know many women that do.
Well, I'll tell you who does.
A woman who's confident in her figure.
A woman like that feels great.
In fact, a woman like that feels fantastic.
But a woman who's not so sure? Who's maybe put on a pound or two over the years or noticed the slightest sag here and there, wonders why her husband doesn't look at her quite the way he used to.
Or even the checkout boy who used to stare openly, but now just looks straight past her as if she's not even there.
You know, a woman like that-- a woman like that doesn't feel fantastic at all.
This could be the start of a brand-new you.
I know it was for me.
Bill.
I need to talk to you.
I hate to tell you guys this, but your kid's got a bad case of the cutes! Dr.
Langham decided to drop by.
Isn't that nice? I'm in major need of advice, Bill.
I got this new patient, real head-scratcher, right up your alley.
Well, the skeletal system is not exactly my-- Libby also invited me to dinner.
She said the two magic words-- veal and shanks.
How could I resist? Plus I picked up a few Montecristos this weekend.
You care to join me outside? I don't smoke.
Why don't you join me, Bill? Do you want to go see mommy? I know.
There.
Aw.
Okay.
I did try to make the heavenly ham loaf first.
It was a Betty Crocker recipe and everything.
Oh, who, by the way, is a phony.
Did you know that? Betty Crocker is some advertising idea dreamed up by some suits sitting in a fancy boardroom.
Not a real person at all.
It was a woman.
A woman came up with Betty Crocker.
Well, you would know being in the food business.
And I guess you would be the expert on phony Bettys.
Okay.
I deserve that.
But just so you know, I'm not going anywhere.
So when you're done extracting your pound of flesh, I'll be here.
You knew you couldn't have kids.
You knew before we married, before we met.
Why didn't you just tell me? Because you never would have married me - if you knew the truth.
- You know that?! I know what you saw when you first met me-- a good Christian girl at church who'd have good Christian babies.
I didn't meet you at church.
Of course you did.
Remember? It was Palm Sunday potluck and I bumped into you and your coleslaw fell into my pocketbook and I-- It was before that.
I have always been shy with girls.
Always had trouble talking to them.
So I thought, you know go to a-- go to a-a brothel.
You know, maybe there I could learn, you know? I never met a girl who was nice to me like that.
And I didn't want to leave.
I was so scared that I would never see you again.
And then when I walked into that church that morning, you were standing right there, and I knew we were meant to be.
I never thought you were a good Christian girl.
I just thought you were the love of my life.
I will admit it's an acquired taste.
I've always liked the way it looks.
Gives me sort of a Hemingway air, I think.
So, what advice can I give you? Actually, Bill, there's some advice I'd like to give you.
Do you know why I married Elise? I thought it would cure me.
No more wandering eye.
No more chasing ass like a teenager.
It would be like magic, you know? As soon as I put the ring on my finger, abracadabra, all that stuff would disappear, and, well, it would just be me and her.
I screwed a dental hygienist named Gerty three months later.
Hated myself for it, too.
Then I spent the next 12 years hating myself over and over again.
Most people, when they get burned, they don't touch the stove again, so what the hell's the matter with me that I can't stop touching it? You don't know how many times I've asked myself, "Why can't you just be more like Bill?" And then the other night at the hotel, I-I realized that I've been punishing myself for no reason, that you and me-- we're the same.
Two men trying our best.
How about that? I'm no better or worse than Bill Masters.
I thought Virginia explained we're starting up the study again.
Come on, Bill.
Look who you're talking to here.
I don't know what you mean by that.
Just don't do it the way that I did.
You have got to keep this thing under wraps.
I mean, I am not the only one who knows.
Lillian DePaul has been wise to it from the beginning.
Take it from me-- This bachelor life is not all it's cracked up to be.
And don't get me wrong.
There are some days when it feels like, literally, I've died and gone to heaven literally.
But I can't walk by the nursery anymore because when I do see those little bundles all I can think is how much I want to see my kids.
All I'm saying is whatever this is you have with Virginia, you-- you've got to weigh it against all of this.
Is it worth it? Tatti Greathouse just called.
She told me the most outlandish story.
She said that you were fired.
That you assaulted her husband.
I-I-I did lose my temper, Libby, but you would have, too.
The man is an utter philistine.
Why do I have to hear everything about my husband third hand?! I was gonna tell you last night, but then Austin was here.
This is the second job in two months, Bill! Soon there won't be a hospital left for you to storm out of! Lib.
Why are you doing this to me?! Is this our life now-- you going from one job to another, always finding some reason why it's not good enough?! It's not about "good enough," Libby.
It's about-- Your study? They didn't understand your study?! Well, they didn't understand it at Maternity, either! That doesn't mean that things won't work out.
They will.
Everything will be fine.
When, Bill? When, exactly, will everything be fine? How many more opportunities do you have to squander before you make this work?! You-- you have a wife and a child who depend on you! Doesn't that mean anything? Y-yes.
Yes, of c-- of course.
That's all I think about-- How to do right by you, the baby.
You j-- you just have to trust me right now, okay? I'm gonna take care of you.
Whatever happens, I will always take care of you.
You just have to believe that.
Please, Libby.
I ju-- I just-- I just I nee-- I need-- All right, all right, all right, all right.
You'll find the right job.
And we'll be okay.
Everything will be okay.
What's 6 plus 4 equal? What's 6 plus 12? Tessa.
Your brother can't do your homework for you.
He does it better, though.
And what happens when he isn't there? Hmm? When the teacher calls on you in class, what are you going to do then? You can't count on anybody else to do your work for you.
You can only count on yourself.
Everything that is worth doing you have to do on your own.
Did you do everything on your own? No, I didn't.
But I do now.
From now on.
We are so very pleased that you've decided to join us, Dr.
Masters.
The pleasure is all mine.
Greathouse feels it may not be possible for you to come over to Memorial.
Great to see you, Bill.
I hope you're treating him right, Barbara.
Because this one, he's got a bigger following than "Gunsmoke.
" You, my dear, are not married to a saint.
You are to keep 100 miles away from that study.
Unofficially, I am very interested in what happens behind closed doors-- very, very interested.
Metastasis was always a possibility.
I know what to research now.
I'm going to have to hand the work off to someone who can fight the fight.
You're sterile and yet engaging in fertility treatments? It's not my problem.
Last I looked, your new job came with all the zeroes on that check my husband wrote.
Attention all hospital staff.
Dr.
Austin Langham has spent the last two months fornicating with his sister-in-law.
Thought he would do the trick.
Having our son.
I know my husband was reticent about children.
Who ever heard of a grown man being afraid of his own child? I think you might have misunderstood what happened between us.
Of course we're not having an affair, Virginia.
We never were.
I'm a happily married man.
Continuing the work is a good idea but only if you understand the terms.
I agree.
If sex is merely a vehicle for procreation, then clearly, the end of fertility marks the end of sexual desire.
Yet Freud believed that menopause led to an increase in female libido.
As usual, Dr.
Freud presents no empirical evidence to substantiate his claim.
He wasn't all wrong, though.
The data does show certain physiological changes in women over 50-- a longer period of foreplay needed for lubrication, fewer vaginal contractions in the orgasm phase.
When did you see all of these participants? Oh, those are only a small sampling.
So you've resumed the study.
- Yes, of course.
- Without me.
I did everything I could, Virginia.
The board just wasn't impressed by your application.
Uh, I-I don't understand.
Try to see it from their perspective-- Limited experience, no higher education.
I tried to go back to school.
You tried, but you didn't see it through.
- You chose me instead.
- I chose the work.
Virginia, you thought it was about the work.
I always knew the truth.
And that became apparent in your application, so I'm sorry, but you really only have yourself to blame.
Because? For starters? Under "Current occupation," you wrote, "Mistress.
" You're up.
How long was I? An hour, maybe.
An hour? Why didn't you wake me? You looked like you needed to sleep.
Did you know you sleep with your mouth open, like a little baby bird? You don't sleep here.
Or read.
This isn't vacation.
I told the sitter I'd be home by 10:00.
It's only 9:15.
We still have-- Please get dressed.
You still need to get the study files out of my trunk.
Oh, goodbye, Silky.
And don't wait for me to write another story about you.
Drop in anytime.
Goodbye, Mr.
Thompson.
Aren't you gonna escort me to the door? Mr.
Thompson, my wife didn't mean anything.
We've been married for 25 years.
You're not gonna shoot me.
Why should I? If you want to get out of it, shoot yourself.
It's a mess, but it's all there-- Intake forms, instrument readings, sexual histories.
I could have used these the other day.
Barbara tried to make fliers for the study riddled with typos.
Any response yet? Oh, the phone hasn't stopped ringing.
I have seven interviews with prospective participants tomorrow, six the next day.
I meant any response from Greathouse about my position in the study.
Uh, why, h-he can't authorize me to hire you until the board signs off.
Has he even brought it up to them? I'm gonna make sure he does.
You should pull your car around so we can start loading these.
Well, m-maybe you should hold on to them.
Someone has to put them back into some kind of order.
I was under the impression that someone was called your secretary.
Oh, Barbara can barely alphabetize.
Besides, you know better than anyone how all the pieces fit together.
I-I want you to stay connected to the work.
So I-I'm not qualified as a researcher, but it's fine for me to play secretary in my free time.
Virginia, I'm as unhappy with this situation as you are.
Are you-- Are you taking diet pills? I'm selling them.
You're holding on to them for a friend.
No, I'm selling them.
Without the extra money from the study, I can barely afford to pay my rent.
I need to make a living, Bill.
This morning we're driving in, and the parking attendant says, "Morning, Mrs.
Moretti.
" And it takes me a solid minute to realize he meant me.
I mean, your whole life, you're walking around as Betty Dimello and the next day, you're married and someone's calling you some other lady's name.
It's like if, all of a sudden, I started calling you Dr.
Lipschitz.
Mrs.
Moretti.
You know, it makes me feel like I'm pretending to be somebody I'm not.
Know what I mean? They had a free subscription offer, so I figured, "Why not?" But then I stumbled on this article.
Turns out a new baby is very traumatic for a man, as though his home has been transformed into an oversized playpen.
Messy, noisy.
There are smells.
Which explains why the moment Bill walks through the door, the first thing he does is take out the diaper pail.
It also explains why Bill needs to feel things are calm at home, orderly, unchanged.
No bottles on the counters, no pacifiers stuck between cushions.
It's also why today is important.
I mean, I know it seems like just a silly luncheon, but these are the wives of Bill's new colleagues.
If things go well here, they report as much back to their husbands.
That helps Bill at work as well as at home.
Is that a Dixie cup on his? It's a trick I learned from changing my brother's diapers.
You'll lose your eyes if you're not careful with boys.
Maybe I should have axed you before I put it on.
Asked me before you put it on.
We talked about this before, remember? Don't worry.
You'll get it.
We should have a sample pap smear kit for Dr.
Papanikolau to bring to Florida with him.
I put one together last week.
Several sample kits.
At least three or four, even, to be safe.
Four seems reasonable, don't you think? He's only in St.
Louis once a year for the Thalberg conference.
Does he prefer coffee or tea? Tea with cream and a little with a little the little squares and the sugar's in-- Sugar cubes.
You're just nervous about tomorrow.
They did name the pap smear after Dr.
Papanikolau, after all.
It makes sense that you would want to impress him.
I'm not trying to impress anyone.
Dr.
Papanikolau happens to be a very respected figure in the field.
That's all.
His support for our program would be enormously useful.
Especially to you, as you continue with our work.
DePaul, Lillian? Save my seat.
How long have you worked here? Three years in March.
I'm over at Maternity.
Oh, my girlfriend Peggy used to work there.
How do you like it? Truthfully? The stress of working in a hospital-- Some days I just want to curl up with a piece of chocolate cake.
I know what you mean.
We're supposed to give these to patients for nausea.
I can imagine it's tough being surrounded by so much suffering every day.
Especially when everyone's so skinny.
I did try the grapefruit diet, but all it did was give me cavities.
That is the problem with fad diets.
T-they promise you the moon and the stars, but you just end up feeling hungry all the time.
That's why I started using Cal-o-Metric.
We'll be following the exact same protocol as you did when you participated in the study at Washington University.
But what would I tell my husband? What did you tell him before? That there were two doctors, and one of them was a lady.
That's the only reason he let me do it, Dr.
Masters.
I'm sorry, but if it's just going to be you here, alone, watching I'm sorry.
Part of the study? Not anymore.
Oh, shame.
Yes, and without Mrs.
Johnson, we can look forward to a lot more qualified volunteers declining to participate.
Mrs.
Johnson is instrumental in this part of the process.
Nobody else puts people at their ease-- Bill, I get it.
You and I-- we've been at this a long time.
You reach a certain point in your career-- same routine day in and day out.
It's like if you never see another torn perineum again, it'll be too soon.
So, you start a sex study, get a research assistant.
Mrs.
Johnson is indispensable to this study.
She may seem indispensable to you, but to the board, she's, uh, a little press secretary.
Things aren't always what they seem, are they? For instance, Barbara doesn't seem to know the first thing about secretarial work, and yet, apparently, she's essential to you.
I'm simply asking that Mrs.
Johnson be brought on to this study because she is essential to the work.
I'll float the idea at tomorrow's board meeting, see what they think.
What? They're out of ambrosia? You know, last year, when you left the study, I thought to myself, "Why? Why would Virginia leave the work she loves to go back to typing memos?" Not to mention, "Why would Bill let her go?" What are you talking about, Austin? Now I'm thinking, "What complicates every relationship? What splits two people up?" Elise is now staying at her mother's across the river in Alton.
So when it's my turn for an overnight with the kids, I drive to Alton, where I pick them up, then take them to the Chancery Park Plaza Hotel.
I saw you there last night with Bill.
Well, you should have said something.
We could have all gotten a drink.
Bill and I have decided to go ahead and publish the study.
Now, it's still in the early stages-- Compiling the data, drafting the texts.
Bill's not welcome here, obviously.
I'm not welcome at his hospital.
And we can't work late hours at his house with the new baby.
We can't exactly discuss sex research at my house with my kids there, so we work out of the hotel.
Then why did you two stop working together? Bill thought that we were ready to present to the faculty, and I said we had not done enough to prepare them for what they were about to hear, let alone the site of a pulsating vagina on a projection screen.
So we had a terrible fight, and in the end, I quit.
And then after the debacle with the presentation, Bill admitted that he was wrong and he apologized and he asked me to come back.
So that's it? Yes, that's it.
And we took the children to see The Music Man with Robert Preston.
Oh, I hear that is fabulous! - It's fabulous.
- Ohh! Oh, I couldn't drag Bill to a Broadway musical.
He'd probably bring a journal on uterine fibroids to read during the slow parts.
So, how does he like the new hospital? Oh, he couldn't be happier.
And that study of his-- Is that still happening, too? I bet you know all the secrets.
- Uh - Libby, do tell us the most delicious thing you've learned from all of his experiments.
Uh, well, um I actually worked on the study myself for a bit in his office, where I got to see firsthand just how boring it all is.
The charts and the graphs and the incomprehensible diagram.
Someone had a nice long nap.
Oh, my goodness.
Has that adorable creature been here this whole time? Oh, he is gorgeous, Libby.
And she is so wonderful with him.
- Can I hold? - Mm-hmm.
Ahh.
Where did you learn to be so great with children? You're so young.
Oh, well my mama passed when I was 10, and Mm-hmm.
I had to bring up my brothers and sisters.
But even before that, you know, I had baby cousins in Joplin-- Coral, she doesn't want your family history.
She was just being polite.
She axed.
Either I'm-- I'm losing my mind, or I'm-- His hair.
Is there something crawling in it? All my sales reports are there.
I sold over $40 worth of products this week.
It's almost double what I did the week before.
Hmm.
Be still my heart.
I did all of that without using your sales script, by the way.
No wonder your numbers stink.
I don't-- I don't feel comfortable reading from a script that deliberately makes women feel bad about themselves.
And yet women who feel great about themselves don't buy diet products, which leaves us with a conundrum.
Listen, if you really want to get good at this-- - Oh, I don't.
- Oh.
I don't want to get good at this.
Selling diet pills may be enough for most housewives that walk through your door, but I already have a career.
Oh, you're following your dreams.
Yes.
At the moment, I need something to supplement my income, but-- Have you ever heard of William Elvis Sloan? He invented Cal-o-Metric? He came up with how to make a toilet flush.
Was that his calling? Did he wake up every morning tickled pink and skipping off to work? Probably not.
But he died a very rich man.
So, sure, follow your dreams.
It's a lovely slogan for a life most people can't afford to live.
But who knows? Maybe you're special.
I just asked for the check.
I assumed you weren't coming.
I had to turn in my sales report.
Of course.
I wouldn't want our work to interfere with your diet pills.
Austin saw us last night leaving our room together.
A-apparently, his wife is staying with her mother in Alton, so when he takes the kids, he stays at this hotel.
Jesus.
It's not a problem.
I handled it.
Says who? If someone like Austin can walk through here, that means anyone can.
So luckily, there's nothing strange about two colleagues having a drink in a hotel lobby.
Virginia, I am a married man.
You do understand what it would mean if this were to get out.
I do.
Which means it would probably be imprudent for us to head upstairs, wouldn't it? It's a mess, I know.
I wasn't expecting you home until late.
I, uh-- I hope you ate something.
I haven't made a thing for dinner.
Everything's fine.
We found lice in Johnny's hair, but I got a book from the library, and we just need to wash everything-- all the fabric in the house-- and it shouldn't be a problem.
The baby's crying.
I know the baby's crying.
The baby has been crying all day.
I can't get the baby to stop crying.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
You have enough to worry about.
Now the girl brings in lice.
- Coral? - Who else? I've never had lice.
You've never had lice.
No one that we know has ever had lice.
You don't have to wash everything.
Libby, just the baby's clothes and his blankets, then tomorrow, you can scrub his hair with the medicated shampoo they sell at the supermarket.
These are just a few harmless insects.
They'll be gone in a day or two.
See? It's so much nicer when we can sort these things out together.
I'll, uh, take out the diaper pail.
Initial aim of the program is to expand access to early screening through a systematic outreach effort to physicians and to to Hospitals.
And eventually, we hope to establish a research facility at Washington University to develop new methods of detection and treatments of cervical cancer.
But that's still years in the future.
I am creating a research center of my own at the University of Miami.
- Are you really? - Mm-hmm.
How very interesting.
Oh.
This is the prototype for the testing kit we'll be sending out.
We've included a skort frim slip.
Pardon? A skort frim slip.
There's a short film strip.
Yes.
It is short.
Do you have any questions? Hey, uh, Doc? Do you time it so we arrive at the exact same moment every morning, or is it just the heavens conspiring against me? Actually, uh, we wait till we see your car pull in.
Morning! Gene came to give a donation.
Well, you've been more than generous already.
Not that kind of donation.
Uh, poor Gene's been getting antsy with all this testing we're doing.
He's been asking when we're gonna move on.
Move on to? Well, Betts says you're good on her end, but you just need a sample of my, uh swimmers.
Pardon my French.
- Ready, Moretti? - Yeah.
Good morning, Dr.
Masters.
Betty, I-- Betty, I think it's best if you wait-- Don't worry.
I can take care of this.
If I could just have a-- You really know your way around here, don't you, honey? - I'm very observant.
- I really must insist.
All right, reading material.
Here.
You always had a thing for Ava Gardner.
Dr.
Masters, could I just-- All right, don't have too much fun in there.
Could I just have just a-- Barbara, what is it?! Dr.
Greathouse would like to know what time tonight's study's starting.
He would like to be there.
But make sure he knows this evening's area of focus, please.
Uh, uh, yes.
We'll be looking at men with enlarged prostates, primarily elderly men engaged in auto manipulation.
Auto I'm-- I'm sorry.
Old men masturbating! I know you're gonna say-- - In my office.
- Mm-hmm.
Uh, I'm almost done in here.
So maybe I could take the baby now? Actually, there's something that I would like to speak to you about.
Uh, I need you to use this tonight.
What is it? It's a special shampoo.
It, um It gets rid of anything that's The eggs, or, um Everyone that you live with-- your family-- they should use it, too.
I don't have lice, Mrs.
Masters.
They didn't come from me.
I never said that they did.
All you have to do is look in there and tell him he's got bum sperm.
And-- and this I would divine somehow by staring into a cup.
Put it under a magnifying glass.
It's a shame you didn't pursue a career in medicine because you obviously have a head for it.
He won't know the difference.
I know, and I will not tell a patient he is sterile when I know for a fact that the only reason he can't have children is because his wife underwent a tubal ligation.
You want to get all high and mighty? Fine.
Let's end it now.
You tell him I'm infertile.
Tell him the truth.
You tell him.
Hey.
Sorry to interrupt.
I, uh I crossed the finish line.
It's all just Well, it's cruel.
Ohh, you're out there in the john making baby batter, while in here, the doc gets the results from my very last test, and it turns out I'm the culprit.
I don't even know what to say.
Nobody does.
Only Betty knows.
You know, your whole life, you think all you got to do is find the right fella.
Getting knocked up, that's the easy part.
Then to find out your body's just not cut out for it.
Doc.
Is there anything that we can do? I'm afraid not.
Nothing at all? Uh, this is a real blow.
I Uh, thank you for trying.
I didn't do anything.
Really.
I think it's only right that, uh, you dispose of this, Betty.
Hey.
You okay? 'Cause I'm not sure I am.
Uh, I'm, you know devastated.
Hey.
But at least we still got each other.
Ah, hell.
Cashier.
Need to settle up the bill.
No.
Um, Dr.
Masters isn't gonna charge us for this morning.
No, we got to pay for all the fertility tests and the treatments that you had.
No, Gene, honey, let's just go home and start the healing process.
Bets.
We're here.
Let's just get it over with now.
Your taxi should be here any minute.
Dr.
Papanikolau, if I may speak frankly, you chair the committee for the Williams Prize, correct? I do.
Well, Dr.
DePaul would never say this, but that kind of endorsement-- it would be invaluable to our program, not to mention what it would mean to Dr.
DePaul on a more personal level coming from you.
You see, nobody has stood behind this program.
The administration had to be strongarmed into offering even a modicum of support.
Everything that Dr.
DePaul has accomplished here, she has had to do on her own with no help, no guidance.
I did not expect to be impressed this morning.
To be honest, I did not even remember Dr DePaul.
But I am always pleased years later to hear that a student considered me their mentor.
No, I didn't say "Mentor.
" And neither did Dr.
DePaul.
She says she never had a mentor, since mentors, I believe, were reserved for the male students.
And you may not have remembered her, but I guarantee you you will remember her now because what she has done here-- this program, all on her own-- it is remarkable.
Yes.
You are right about that.
Well, then, I hope you will take that into consideration as you make your selections for the Williams Prize.
Now, uh, you control the device yourself The speed, intensity, depth.
Ah, it's freezing.
Oh, uh, my partner usually warms it with a hot towel.
I-I've completely forgotten.
Well, uh The friction between the device and the vaginal wall should, uh, gradually increase the temperature.
Oh, I thought we were doing prostates.
Last-minute scheduling change.
I see you opted for old and fat instead.
Hmm.
Post-menopausal, actually.
Oh.
Well, pretend I'm not here.
I'll be invisible.
Fly on the wall.
Thar she blows.
Sorry, uh, no comments from the peanut gallery.
I know.
Have you spoken to the board yet about my assistant? Uh, yes, I did, actually.
I spoke to them at length about Mrs.
Johnson just this morning, and, uh, they haven't made a decision yet, obviously, but, uh, they seem open to it.
Well, I'm happy to speak to them myself to answer any questions.
Steady on, pal.
It's a process.
It takes time.
But trust me.
We'll get there.
Knock, knock.
I noticed you were burning the midnight oil.
Thought I'd say hello.
Hello.
Do you know what the worst part about this divorce is? It's not fighting with lawyers or driving a half an hour to see your kids or watching your wife of 12 years turn into some kind of a she-wolf.
It's eating potato chips for dinner.
I just keep fantasizing about Elise's cooking.
Beef Stroganoff, tuna noodle casserole, jiffy corn casserole, cheeseburger casserole.
Are you just going to sit there, talking? Because if so, I need a drink.
I didn't even know that water polo was a sport, let alone that it was my favorite sport.
Mm, I have a stack of exams to grade.
Give Virginia the answer sheet.
Let her do it.
One more.
To Virginia.
Virginia.
Funny.
The second I met Virginia, I thought I had her pegged.
Just another one of these women unwilling to do the hard work.
Ready to latch on to the first man that can take them to the next rung of the ladder.
Well, then, that just proves you are a good judge of character.
She's closer to you than-- than anyone.
How long have you known? So long.
Very long.
I saw them last night leaving the hotel.
Virginia, God bless her, tried-- tried to give me some baloney story about how they're publishing the study, working out of the hotel.
She used to do this thing every once in a while in the lab.
She would lean in and fix Bill's bow tie, just sort of straighten it out, you know? There is a fence around Bill Masters-- chain link with barbed wire.
Nobody gets through that.
Nobody gets close.
But Virginia-- Virginia would just waltz right through.
I think back now.
I mean, how could I have missed something so obvious? How could I not have known that they were sleeping together the entire time? Tatti Greathouse gave me a recipe for osso bucco.
She says it's better than the one at Bella Rossa.
I may not be home until after 9:00.
Oh.
I thought we could have a late supper.
We can close our eyes, pretend we're in Florence.
Here, I'll take that.
Good morning, Mrs.
Masters.
Good morning, Dr.
Masters.
Good morning.
Hello, Coral.
I see, um Well, I see that your hair is the same as it was yesterday.
Oh.
Yes, Mrs.
Masters.
I feel like it suits me.
I'm referring to the shampoo that I gave you.
Did you use it? My brother checked.
He didn't find nothing.
Anything.
He didn't find anything.
It costs me $4 to get my hair done every week.
I can't afford to mess it up.
So you didn't use the shampoo, even though you told me-- you promised me that you would.
Dr.
Masters, I don't have lice.
I swear I don't.
My brother said negroes can't even get it.
Coral, this conversation is between you and me.
Her brother is right.
Negroes do have tightly coiled, low-density hair, which makes it very inhospitable for lice.
I read about it in the, uh, Wellford Journal of Medicine.
So it does seem unlikely she would have them.
Unlikely is not impossible.
I don't see why we need to involve Dr.
Masters in this discussion at all.
I'll go get him.
Is everything all right? I cheated in college.
Calculus.
I could never get my head around calculus.
No matter how many hours I studied, I couldn't crack a B+.
And I was a straight A student.
I figured medical schools couldn't turn away a straight A student, even if she were a woman.
So I bought the final exam from the previous year from a rather unscrupulous graduate student named Marvin for $10.
I'm impressed.
Lillian DePaul breaks the rules.
It was a shortcut.
That's all.
Does it negate the work I've done since? Does one shortcut diminish everything that comes after? So? So that's my secret.
What's yours? My secret? I don't-- I don't have any secrets.
I don't believe you.
Virginia, you've seen me at my worst-- lying naked on a hospital sheet, limping to the car after radiation.
I've shared nearly everything with you-- too much, even.
It seems only right that you should share with me.
I Honestly, Lillian I'm not that interesting.
Coral, could you come here, please? This relationship is about trust.
I leave you in my house every day with my child, - and if I can't trust you-- - Mrs.
Masters.
What if something, God forbid, happened to Johnny? How do I know that you would tell me the truth? How can I trust anything that you say to me anymore? I'm sorry.
I need you to sit down, please.
Mrs.
Masters, I'll use the shampoo.
No, Coral, that is the point.
I can't trust you anymore to do it yourself.
If you don't sit down, Coral, you'll have to leave, and you will not be welcome back.
Put your head back, please.
The water warm enough? We need to be on the same side.
If you have a problem with something, you come to me.
Dr.
Masters is a busy man, and we don't need to involve him.
He's not a part of this.
You and I-- we need to stick together, okay? I hope you can understand that.
Please.
To get your hair redone.
It's my treat.
I appreciate you meeting me on such short notice, Dr.
Papanikolau.
I don't have much time.
My plane leaves in one hour.
This won't take long.
I called because I would like to ask you to take my program with you to Miami, to your new research center.
I'm sorry if there's been a misunderstanding, Lillian, but my staff is already in place.
No, I'm not asking for a job.
After some consideration I've come to the conclusion that this university simply doesn't have the proper personnel to fully realize the program.
You understand that if I were to oversee this, I would keep you informed of any major decisions, of course.
But in terms of the day-to-day management Once I give you the program, my role in it will be finished.
I understand.
Ah.
Bill.
So? So, what? So, uh, what's on the menu tonight? You know, actually, I was looking for you, Doug, uh, since I haven't had a chance to apologize yet for last night.
I realized afterwards I had completely forgotten to warn you about the transference effect.
Does, uh, transference involve attractive women? Well, yes, it can, but not necessarily.
Observation of sexual activity can produce a kind of, um, tension in the observers.
The researchers can find themselves experiencing certain uninvited erotic sensations.
Now, this can happen between a man and a woman.
It can also happen between a man and another man.
I'm not quite sure I understand.
Well, I've been doing this for a long time, Doug, so I'm immune to, uh, the transference effect myself, but I have seen other men in that small, confined space.
Well, the danger is high, and for those male observers that do get drawn in, well they often don't come out the other side.
At least not the same way they, uh, went in.
You mean like in wrestling.
Something like that.
You're nervous.
How can you tell? Slight generalized vasocongestion in your face and chest, mild fasciculation in the hands, feet.
You're flushed and trembling.
Is that bad? Uh Honest to God, Bill, this is better than my bachelor party.
Step outside, Doug.
Sure.
Yes? This is a scientific study, not a-a stag film in a frat house.
Your colleagues are very interested in your work.
I-I think you should appreciate that.
Get them out of here.
Look, I know that Bart Scully treated you like the second coming, but here, in this hospital, you're my employee.
And you have grossly misjudged me if you think I'm gonna allow those baboons to sit in my exam room slurping chop suey, mocking my work.
The terms of my employment, the terms between you and me are changing now.
You will clear my exam room, and you will never get near it again.
And you will authorize Mrs.
Johnson's hiring starting tomorrow morning.
Now, let me tell you how it works with secretaries.
You don't promote them to lofty positions above their pay grade or give them titles like "Research Assistant.
" I didn't even mention your assistant to the board, and you should thank me for that because I'm keeping you from being perceived as a man that only thinks with his cock and not with his head.
Now, as far as your study goes, your colleagues are on your side.
So relax.
You care for one, Bill? They're delicious.
Not that spicy.
- Hey! - Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, What the hell?! - Ohh! - What the fuck?! Uhh! Take it easy.
By the time I'm off the phone tomorrow morning, there's not gonna be a single hospital in the Midwest that's gonna let you so much as step through their doors! These need to be mimeographed and sent to Dr.
Papanikolau's office at Cornell as soon as possible.
He requested the files for our program? Maybe he wants to share them with the committee for the Williams Prize.
Actually, Dr.
Papanikolau will be bringing the program with him to his new research center in Miami.
What do you mean? You'll need to speak to someone in the audiovisual department to make duplicates of the film strip.
You gave him the program? Why didn't you tell me about this? I'm telling you right now.
After you've made your decision? I don't need to consult you about the course of my research.
Your research?! We're partners.
I-I believed it.
I worked like a dog to get this program off the ground! I recommended you for the Williams Prize! I didn't ask you to do that.
Well, I did it anyway! For you! Papanikolau-- he'll put his name on your work! You won't even be a footnote! I didn't go into medicine to see my name on a study, Virginia.
Loraine.
Virginia Johnson.
We met last summer at the block party.
Of course.
Are you still at Maternity? I am.
Although I've recently begun transitioning to a new line of work.
I'm the new neighborhood ambassador for Cal-o-Metric.
Oh.
This isn't one of those fad diets, is it? My sister tried the cabbage-soup one.
She ended up so bloated, we called her The Hindenburg.
No, I can assure you, Cal-o-Metric is not a fad at all.
No, our trademark nutritional formula is based on only the most cutting-edge science.
Well, good luck with it.
Let me ask you something, Loraine.
When you see yourself in the mirror, how do you feel? How do you feel? I feel great.
Well, you're lucky, then.
I don't know many women that do.
Well, I'll tell you who does.
A woman who's confident in her figure.
A woman like that feels great.
In fact, a woman like that feels fantastic.
But a woman who's not so sure? Who's maybe put on a pound or two over the years or noticed the slightest sag here and there, wonders why her husband doesn't look at her quite the way he used to.
Or even the checkout boy who used to stare openly, but now just looks straight past her as if she's not even there.
You know, a woman like that-- a woman like that doesn't feel fantastic at all.
This could be the start of a brand-new you.
I know it was for me.
Bill.
I need to talk to you.
I hate to tell you guys this, but your kid's got a bad case of the cutes! Dr.
Langham decided to drop by.
Isn't that nice? I'm in major need of advice, Bill.
I got this new patient, real head-scratcher, right up your alley.
Well, the skeletal system is not exactly my-- Libby also invited me to dinner.
She said the two magic words-- veal and shanks.
How could I resist? Plus I picked up a few Montecristos this weekend.
You care to join me outside? I don't smoke.
Why don't you join me, Bill? Do you want to go see mommy? I know.
There.
Aw.
Okay.
I did try to make the heavenly ham loaf first.
It was a Betty Crocker recipe and everything.
Oh, who, by the way, is a phony.
Did you know that? Betty Crocker is some advertising idea dreamed up by some suits sitting in a fancy boardroom.
Not a real person at all.
It was a woman.
A woman came up with Betty Crocker.
Well, you would know being in the food business.
And I guess you would be the expert on phony Bettys.
Okay.
I deserve that.
But just so you know, I'm not going anywhere.
So when you're done extracting your pound of flesh, I'll be here.
You knew you couldn't have kids.
You knew before we married, before we met.
Why didn't you just tell me? Because you never would have married me - if you knew the truth.
- You know that?! I know what you saw when you first met me-- a good Christian girl at church who'd have good Christian babies.
I didn't meet you at church.
Of course you did.
Remember? It was Palm Sunday potluck and I bumped into you and your coleslaw fell into my pocketbook and I-- It was before that.
I have always been shy with girls.
Always had trouble talking to them.
So I thought, you know go to a-- go to a-a brothel.
You know, maybe there I could learn, you know? I never met a girl who was nice to me like that.
And I didn't want to leave.
I was so scared that I would never see you again.
And then when I walked into that church that morning, you were standing right there, and I knew we were meant to be.
I never thought you were a good Christian girl.
I just thought you were the love of my life.
I will admit it's an acquired taste.
I've always liked the way it looks.
Gives me sort of a Hemingway air, I think.
So, what advice can I give you? Actually, Bill, there's some advice I'd like to give you.
Do you know why I married Elise? I thought it would cure me.
No more wandering eye.
No more chasing ass like a teenager.
It would be like magic, you know? As soon as I put the ring on my finger, abracadabra, all that stuff would disappear, and, well, it would just be me and her.
I screwed a dental hygienist named Gerty three months later.
Hated myself for it, too.
Then I spent the next 12 years hating myself over and over again.
Most people, when they get burned, they don't touch the stove again, so what the hell's the matter with me that I can't stop touching it? You don't know how many times I've asked myself, "Why can't you just be more like Bill?" And then the other night at the hotel, I-I realized that I've been punishing myself for no reason, that you and me-- we're the same.
Two men trying our best.
How about that? I'm no better or worse than Bill Masters.
I thought Virginia explained we're starting up the study again.
Come on, Bill.
Look who you're talking to here.
I don't know what you mean by that.
Just don't do it the way that I did.
You have got to keep this thing under wraps.
I mean, I am not the only one who knows.
Lillian DePaul has been wise to it from the beginning.
Take it from me-- This bachelor life is not all it's cracked up to be.
And don't get me wrong.
There are some days when it feels like, literally, I've died and gone to heaven literally.
But I can't walk by the nursery anymore because when I do see those little bundles all I can think is how much I want to see my kids.
All I'm saying is whatever this is you have with Virginia, you-- you've got to weigh it against all of this.
Is it worth it? Tatti Greathouse just called.
She told me the most outlandish story.
She said that you were fired.
That you assaulted her husband.
I-I-I did lose my temper, Libby, but you would have, too.
The man is an utter philistine.
Why do I have to hear everything about my husband third hand?! I was gonna tell you last night, but then Austin was here.
This is the second job in two months, Bill! Soon there won't be a hospital left for you to storm out of! Lib.
Why are you doing this to me?! Is this our life now-- you going from one job to another, always finding some reason why it's not good enough?! It's not about "good enough," Libby.
It's about-- Your study? They didn't understand your study?! Well, they didn't understand it at Maternity, either! That doesn't mean that things won't work out.
They will.
Everything will be fine.
When, Bill? When, exactly, will everything be fine? How many more opportunities do you have to squander before you make this work?! You-- you have a wife and a child who depend on you! Doesn't that mean anything? Y-yes.
Yes, of c-- of course.
That's all I think about-- How to do right by you, the baby.
You j-- you just have to trust me right now, okay? I'm gonna take care of you.
Whatever happens, I will always take care of you.
You just have to believe that.
Please, Libby.
I ju-- I just-- I just I nee-- I need-- All right, all right, all right, all right.
You'll find the right job.
And we'll be okay.
Everything will be okay.
What's 6 plus 4 equal? What's 6 plus 12? Tessa.
Your brother can't do your homework for you.
He does it better, though.
And what happens when he isn't there? Hmm? When the teacher calls on you in class, what are you going to do then? You can't count on anybody else to do your work for you.
You can only count on yourself.
Everything that is worth doing you have to do on your own.
Did you do everything on your own? No, I didn't.
But I do now.
From now on.
We are so very pleased that you've decided to join us, Dr.
Masters.
The pleasure is all mine.