Melissa & Joey s02e04 Episode Script

"Melissa & Joey" is recorded in front of a live studio audience.
I'm leaving, if anyone needs me.
- Hey, Aunt Mel.
- Oh, jeez.
- Can I talk to you? - Yeah, sure, my door is always open.
Except right now.
I'm slamming it shut behind me.
Bye.
Wait.
What? No, but this is an emergency.
My friend Scarlett got A boyfriend.
Oh, my God.
I thought you were gonna say implants.
Because you're beautiful just the way you are, and those things are expensive.
No, look, I don't know what to do.
Her boyfriend is always with her and he acts so strange around me.
Okay, well, invite them both over and make nice with the guy.
'Cause boyfriends come and go, but friendships last for months.
See ya.
Aunt Mel, I need you.
Holly's birthday is in three days and I haven't gotten her a present yet.
Get her one of those edible bouquets with the chocolate covered fruit.
Yeah, she'll love it.
And if she doesn't, I'll eat it, 'cause those things are great.
- I need a real idea.
- Okay, come back when you have a real problem.
She's helping me right now.
Okay, so what do I when they come over? You know what? The most important thing is that you go away- I mean, go upstairs and call Scarlett quick quick quick.
Yeah.
Okay.
Back to me.
What do I get Holly? You know, that is a very important thing I need to think about because it's a critical decision.
It's gonna take a lot of thought.
Burke, I don't ask for much.
It'd just be so nice, after I work out, if I could maybe get one, two gallons of hot water.
Somebody needs attention.
Somebody needs some hot water.
I bet this has something to do with that call from the gas company.
What call from the gas company? The really angry-sounding one.
I wrote it down on a piece of paper and everything.
Burke, I cannot believe you forgot to pay the gas bill.
I didn't forget.
I pay them when I see them.
People keep moving stuff.
People.
There's a bunch of mail in here.
And oh, look- a note that says, "Gas co.
called, urge.
" See? I told you I wrote it down.
You guys cannot pin any of this on me.
Oh, my God, there's a ton of these overdue notices in here.
That's it, from now on, I am taking over all the bill-paying responsibilities.
Fine, Joe, you can handle my money.
Just don't get swindled out of billions of dollars and lead us into financial ruin.
Oh, that's so funny 'cause that's what happened to me.
And if you go to the store, can you get some much bigger towels? Much.
You do know that's not an insult, right? - It's all good - All good - it's okay - Okay - it's all right - All right as far as I can see - it's all good - All good - it's okay - Okay - it's all right - All right I guess you're stuck with me.
All right, everybody, before we decide our position on the food truck ban, we're gonna have to do a little more research.
Thank you.
Stewart, wait, I have one more legal issue to discuss with you privately.
I look forward to that, councilwoman.
Do you know what food trucks are out there today? Please tell me it's the bacon-wrapped taco truck.
I'm starving.
I don't know.
I mean, can we really eat at the bacon-wrapped taco truck and remain impartial on this issue? I don't care if it's wrong.
If it's wrapped in bacon, it's right.
Very convincing argument.
Let's eat.
Burke, hey, look, do me a favor.
Talk to my friend Steve here in India.
Let him know I'm authorized to talk about your credit card account, please.
Why didn't you just tell him you're Mel Burke? Because I'm an honest person.
And I already tried that.
Fine.
I authorize Joe Longo to- and we're on hold.
I don't think I've ever heard "I like big butts" sung in hindi.
So look, I was going through your bills.
We need to do some serious streamlining.
Joe, this is not a good time.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Am I interrupting? Yeah, but at least you're wearing pants.
Stewart, this is Joe, my nanny.
- Domestic manager.
- Hi.
- Nice to meet you.
- Yep.
You know what? Let me grab this and I'll be back to grab you for lunch.
I'll be ready to be grabbed.
Oh, yes, Steve, that is the year I was born, or with a margin of error.
Hey, honey.
Yeah, sure, I can pick up the kids.
No, I can't talk right now.
I'm working.
Steve, I've gotta go.
Okay, I can't hear you over the sound of my growling stomach.
What are you still doing here? You have my phone.
Don't worry.
All right? I'm gonna help you trim the fat out of your bills.
- Shall we? - Definitely.
Fine, trim.
But remember, wine and shoes are never fat.
Do not touch them.
What is this, my first day? Scarlett.
And here's Haskell, too.
Yay, Haskell.
Hey.
- Thanks for inviting us over.
- Sure.
Anything for my friends.
So what are the three of us gonna do? Well, right now I'm gonna pee and you two talk amongst yourselves.
So it looks like you've been growing your hair out.
Yeah, not sure if I should cut it or keep it.
One of life's big decisions.
Yep.
I'm sorry, but I'm trying to see if we can have a regular conversation you know, with, like, eye contact and everything.
All right.
Well, there must be something we can connect on.
Tell me your likes and dislikes.
Okay.
I like hip-hop, and I'm afraid of sharks.
That's so weird because I like sharks, but I'm afraid of hip-hop.
You know, you're not so bad.
Really? So you think you might actually like me? I'll give it a try.
I have a confession to make.
I hope this doesn't make me sound weird.
Weird.
I like weird.
Let's hear it.
I kind of sit behind you in math class, and I look at your neck a lot.
You have the cutest neck I've ever seen.
Okay, maybe I don't like weird.
Hey, Scarlett, you done peeing yet? 'Cause we need you out here.
Wait, I'm sorry.
I shouldn't have said anything.
I feel like such an idiot.
Look at you two best buds hanging out.
So where are we going? I was thinking laser tag.
Great.
Let me get my scarf.
My big old scarf.
- How's the bill paying going? - It's going fine.
I got a quick question for you.
I'm gonna cancel one of your three gym memberships here.
So which one of these do you not go to the most? Ooh, it's hard to say.
Yeah, just like I thought.
Okay, all gone.
By the way, how was your business lunch with Mr.
Armani suit? His name is Stewart, and he's the assistant city attorney.
- Very nice guy.
- Oh, is he nice? Yeah, he seems nice.
And the two of you guys seemed real chummy.
'Cause you're always, I'm sure, chumming it up down there at work, you know? Well, people like me, and I smell good.
And no one down there at the office was concerned about a married man having lunch with an attractive single woman? You think I'm attractive? Let's stay on topic here, okay? Joe, single people are allowed to talk to married people.
I know.
I'm just saying it looks a little funky, you know, a little hinky.
It is neither funky nor hinky, but let's get back to what's most important here.
So on your attractiveness scale, where am I? Like 8, 9, 11? I gotta go pay bills.
Ha ha.
11.
$80 for a Brazilian wax? What, did she go to Rio to get this thing done? "Wil-grnd-inc.
Wil-grnd-inc.
" What the heck are all these charges on here for wil-grnd-inc? Wilton Grand Hotel, the Jewel of Downtown Toledo.
How may I brighten your day? I'm sorry, did you just say "hotel"? I said, "Wilton Grand Hotel, Jewel of Downtown Toledo.
" - How may I brighten your day?" - I got it.
Thank you.
Yes, I'm actually calling on behalf of a Mel Burke.
I'm calling about these recurring charges on Ms.
Burke's credit card statement.
We know Ms.
Burke very well.
I'm happy to check for you, sir.
Thank you very much.
So what kind of lunches are these? All the lobster you can put in your purse? No, sir, these are all room charges.
Room charges? That's impossible.
She didn't have any overnight stays on these days.
Ms.
Burke never stays the night.
She always checks out after a few hours.
Thank you for the evidence- assistance.
Uh Lennox.
I know, I know.
I look ridiculous.
But apparently my neck has stirred up a lot of bad feelings.
So it's better for everyone if I keep it under wraps.
Great, good thinking, listen, I want you to check out what I bought for Holly.
I need a woman's opinion and you're the closest thing I've got.
If you're so worried about it, why don't you just get her a gift card? A gift card? Seriously? Why don't I just break my own nose? All right, all right, let's see it.
It's cute.
I hope so.
I really want Holly to be happy because when Holly's not happy, nobody's happy.
She's a lucky girl.
You know that? 'Cause you'd never look at another girl's neck, would you? Holly doesn't even let me look at her neck.
You're sweet.
And goofy.
Keep working that.
Oh! Why are you so jumpy? 'Cause you just appeared out of nowhere like a really creepy waiter.
Listen, I was going through your credit card statement here.
I couldn't help but notice this recurring charge at the Wilton Grand Hotel.
That must be some other Mel Burke.
That's not how credit cards work.
Oh, yeah.
You know what? Sometimes, I go there for lunch.
And I tip, like, No, these are in fact room charges, which is kind of strange because you live here, so there's no reason you'd have to go someplace else that has a bed and a shower for afterwards.
- That's ridiculous.
- It's that Armani suit guy, isn't it? - What are you suggesting? - What am I suggesting? I'm suggesting that you're sneaking off to this hotel - to do something you're ashamed of.
- What? What? I'll tell you what- it.
You know, man, woman.
It.
It? We're all the way to it? So now he and I are it-ing? You know what? You're right.
That's a crazy theory.
Let's just go back to the big tip story.
What was it, 400%? Can I get a tip like that? Okay, I got a tip for you.
How about you pay the bills and stop asking questions? You know who says stuff like that? Guilty people.
I'm not even gonna dignify your accusation with a response.
That little eye roll thing you just did, that was a response.
Okay, look, I can handle my own affairs.
Affairs! You just said "Affairs," baby.
It was a word, Longo, a slip of the tongue.
Spare me the filthy details.
- I was just going to- - Yeah, I don't wanna know.
Have fun.
Who says I'm having fun? No one, but if you're not gonna have fun, then what's the point? Just go.
Fun your brains out.
Was that Aunt Mel? I need to talk to her.
She left.
So here's a novel idea- why don't you talk to me? All right? I got a ton of life experience.
Plus I'm right like 90% of the time.
Well, okay.
You know my friend Scarlett? I tried to make friends with her boyfriend and then he tried to make more-than-friends with me.
Trying to stretch a single into a double, huh? Yeah, guys are gonna do that.
Did you tell Scarlett? No, she'll think I'm trying to break 'em up.
Yeah, but you can't just let her stick with somebody that she shouldn't be with.
I mean, sure, maybe she gets mad at you.
Maybe she lies to you about over-tipping and then runs off to do her skeezy business somewhere in a hotel nearby.
But the point is, you're gonna be able to know that you tried to stop her, all right, and that you did the right thing.
Okay, that got a little confusing in the middle there, but I think you're saying I should tell her.
Is that what you would do? Yeah, yeah, I might.
I mean- no, you know what? I would right now.
I got here as quick as I could.
What's up? Scarlett, I have something to say, and I'm not quite sure how to say it.
So just hang in there with me while I try to find the right words to tell you that Haskell hit on me.
Hey, that was easy.
What? Really? I can't believe this.
I know.
He hit on me.
He wants to get all up in my neck.
No, I can't believe he hit on you.
I was only trying to be friendly and- what do you mean "on you," like I'm a hairless cat or something? It's just you're not his type.
- Meaning? - Haskell's into girls like me.
You know, smokin' hot.
Wow! I have been torturing myself over how to tell you about this because I actually care how you feel, but you don't care how I feel at all.
Well, you know what? I am hot.
Crazy hot.
This neck? Irresistible.
Okay.
Yeah, you wish you had a neck like this.
It goes all the way up to my ears.
Hi, Holly.
You're right on time.
Of course.
Punctuality is one of my special skills.
Oh, shirt! I mean- When did you get that? This? Oh, I bought it yesterday.
Do you like it? Love it.
It's great.
It's the second best shirt I've ever seen.
Ryder, I'm ready to receive my present now.
What present? This one right here in your hands.
The one with the tag on it that says, "to my scary bear," you silly squeaky mouse.
Holly, wait.
Is this the same shirt that I'm wearing? No.
No.
Yeah, it's exactly the same.
Are you sure? It looks totally different.
I mean, night and day.
Ryder.
I love it.
Love it? You've already got it.
Yeah, you know exactly what I like.
And now I'm going to give you that thing you like.
I do like that thing.
Who is it? Room service.
I definitely did not order this.
Longo, what are you doing here? What am I doing here? I'm not standing idly by.
That's what I'm doing here, okay? 'Cause friends look out for friends.
And I know I'm your bill-paying-guy and your domestic manager- - Can't you just say nanny? - No, I cannot, no.
What you're doing here is not only gonna hurt your career, but it's gonna hurt a lot of other people.
And I think that you deserve to be more than some guy's hotel candy.
So I just wanted to come here and tell you that.
You know what, Joe? I'm done sneaking around.
Come on in.
- What? No, no, no.
I don't wanna see.
- Yeah, you do.
Okay, all right.
I'm coming in, man.
Make sure everything's back in its holster.
So where's the guy? Oh, the guy I'm slutting around with? Yeah, he's right in there.
Huh? It's time to come clean and reveal my big secret.
It's true.
I get a room here once a week.
First, I soak in the jacuzzi tub with the ginger-scented bubble bath.
Then, I put on this big, soft, velvety robe, and I lie back on sheets that are like a million thread-count.
And then, I watch a chick flick.
You know, the kind of movie that makes men's eyes bleed, and I love every minute of it.
I don't get it.
You were right, Joe.
I'm having an affair With myself.
Wait a minute.
You check into a hotel to watch a DVD? - Why? - Every day at work, I'm swarmed by people wanting me to solve problems and answer questions.
And then I come home, and I'm swarmed by you and the kids, with more problems and more questions.
It's not that I don't love my job or my family.
It's just I never get a moment to myself, you know, to just take a breath and relax.
And room 1208 is my oasis.
And I just bum-rushed your oasis.
Totally stomped it.
I didn't know what was going on.
All right.
I tell you what.
I'm gonna get out of here, okay? And I promise I'm not gonna mention your secret hideaway to anybody.
But you gotta promise me you're not gonna mention that my 90% being right average took a major hit today.
- Deal.
- Thank you.
Oh, one last thing.
You know this nice hotel chocolate here? Please tell me you're not getting this out of the minibar, 'cause they mark things up like crazy in a hotel.
Joe, if you don't leave, I'm gonna open my robe and flash you.
No, thanks.
I'll see you at home.
Lennox.
I'm sorry I freaked you out.
I was out of line the other day, and it sort of set off a chain reaction.
What do you mean? Scarlett and I broke up.
I'm sorry, Haskell, but I had to tell her.
No, we didn't break up because of what you said.
Okay, then I'm lost.
I've wanted to ask you out forever, but I didn't have the courage to talk to you, so I put a note in your locker.
I never got a note.
Yeah, turned out it was Scarlett's locker.
So I kind of had to follow through and be her boyfriend for a while.
And when I told her that I've been dating her by accident, she dumped me.
Yeah, I can see how that would happen.
So now that we're broken up, if I waited the standard three months, would it be okay to ask you out? Um no.
I totally get it.
Two months.
That should do it.
Great.
You keep smiling like that, and it'll be a week.
Hey, guys, I'm home.
- Hey.
- Hey.
So, Ryder, I thought of a great gift for Holly.
Already taken care of.
I gave her a shirt she already had, and she gave me a kiss that I'm pretty sure included tongue.
Sure it wasn't gum this time? I choose to believe it was tongue.
Great.
So, Lennox, how did it go with you? Did you make friends with Scarlett's boyfriend? I have to say I did.
Great, then I am all caught up with my stories.
Where were you tonight? And what's up with the bags? Hey, enough with the questions.
Let's go.
Get of here, give your aunt a little privacy, okay? Beat it.
Let's go, scram.
It's all yours, Burke.
A quiet, empty living room.
- Well, thank you, Joe.
- Sure, just you and me and 22 guys wearing football helmets.
Move over.
- What? - What? Come on, it's the playoffs.
Say you love football.
Hey, what's this? Oh, that's for you from me.
It's a super soft velvety robe like the one at the hotel and thousand thread-count sheets? Yeah, well, the lady in the department store said it's the closest thing they got to a million.
Yeah, and here's some of that fancy hotel chocolate you like.
I figure you could eat it while you're watching your DVD.
Joe, that is so thoughtful.
Now you can have the hotel experience in the privacy of your own room at a fraction of the cost.
So that's all you care about, my bottom line? Yeah, pretty much.
Enjoy.
- Hey, Joe.
- Yeah.
Do you wanna- Sure.
put the other half of this in the fridge for me?