Mid Morning Matters with Alan Partridge (2010) s02e04 Episode Script

1 And today's dedication comes from the Allsop family.
They say, "Alan, please can you play Bright Eyes "by Art Garfunkel? In memory of our beloved Isobel, "who died earlier this week, aged just nine.
" Oh.
"And is buried in the back garden.
" (SIGHS) She's a dog, she's a dog.
This is, uh Sorry, it's quite confusing.
It's the It's the "she".
That is why animals should always be referred to as "it".
Yeah.
I mean, absolutely.
I couldn't agree more.
I mean, can you even bury humans in your back garden? Fred West did.
Oh.
That man.
What a Dilbert.
(CHUCKLES) - You're listening to - MAN ON RECORDING: Colossal Questions.
- Formerly known as - MAN ON RECORDING: Large Questions.
We're talking bathroom routines and asking in what order do you perform your ablutions? Oh, we've got a text in from Helen in Diss.
She says, "I go to the toilet straightaway, "get rid of it as quickly as possible, then I can enjoy my wash, once empty.
" Makes a hell of a lot of sense, Helen, I'm with you on that one.
Er On the line we have Donald in King's Lynn.
DONALD: Hi, Alan, erm I clean my teeth and shave whilst simultaneously going to the toilet in order to save time.
Hmm.
And then wash afterwards? Er Yeah.
Good.
And Samuel in Yarmouth.
"I don't need a bath.
"I just crouch on a strong sink.
"And then it's teeth, face, pits, hands, then backside.
" Neat.
And here's a group who'd love a bit of face, hands and backside.
It's the Fine Young Cannibals.
Mmm Hello, you.
We met once before actually.
I think it was at the, er Are all your phone-ins like that? Ah Yeah.
We cover a range of topics, but that's That's the tone we aim for.
All right.
It's remarkable.
Thank you.
Although that can have two meanings, can't it? (CHUCKLES) Yes, it can, yeah.
It's up to you to choose.
(LAUGHS) Gold! Gold! Save it though, save it.
This is Mid-Mor-Mat, and I'm excited to say that I'm joined by a man from the more outspoken end of the speaking spectrum.
He's here to promote his new book, the irascible, the inimitable, the incorrigible Jasper Jones.
You're often described as the attack dog of the anti-establishment.
A kind of lone wolf, er, prowling the corridors of power.
Mmm.
So, I'm a cross between a wolf and a dog.
- Yeah.
- A dolf.
Yeah, or a wog.
Sorry, I take that back.
Erm Er Jasper is, erm Very much Well, he's white.
Now, Jasper is here to promote his new book.
Er, it's called Free Speech.
He's got this sort of devil's tail sticking out of his shoulder there and a couple of horns.
Erm, is that because people think you're a bit controversial? I presume so.
- Right, but you must have had approval? - I did, yeah.
Right.
Erm, and the sort of tape over his mouth, er, there once again.
Er, presumably that's because, erm, to stop your mouth talking because they'd like to shut you up? - Oh, they would love to shut me up.
- They would, wouldn't they? - Yes.
- Who are "they", by the way? - Well, they're the naysayers.
- Right, I see.
I didn't know.
Okay.
Here's your vanilla frothy coffee, Mr Partridge.
Thank you, Angela.
Come on, I've got - I've got to go back to the desk - Oh, look out.
ALAN: Simon doesn't mind.
Fuck him.
Mmm I'll see you later.
(MOANS) ANGELA: Not if I see you first.
ALAN: You drive me barmy! ANGELA: Don't be silly.
(GROWLING) Ah! (SIGHS) I'll tell you what, if I was a dog right now, I'd be chewing a slipper.
Now, you want to sell lots of copies, don't you? Mmm, yeah, well, assuming the placarded plebs don't run me out of town.
Yeah.
I used to dish out smack downs to the fusspots - but the station manager - It's bog-standard naysaying from the usual crowd.
If I could harness all that huffiness, I would start my own wind farm, I think.
(CHUCKLES) That's good.
Think you may have spoken over me there.
I do love your withering, er, put downs.
It's a sort of - acerbic - Maybe Sorry.
Maybe your next book should be called Withering Slights.
That's good! Simon's our, sort of, regional equivalent of you.
He sort of takes a wry, sideways look at the week's news.
- Does he? - Yes.
I mean, I can't do it the way he does it, or you do it, but he sort of says things like, "I've heard of such and such, but this is ridiculous.
" - Or, yeah - (SIMON CHUCKLES) "Putting him in charge of X "is like putting someone silly in charge of Y.
" And there's another one? Yeah, well, I'll just say, "If they're doing that today, "then by tomorrow they'll be doing, you know, something daft.
" - Yeah.
(CHUCKLES) - Yeah.
Lovely stuff! I mean, he's, sort of, Batman to my Robin.
You wouldn't want Robin on his own.
If the people of Gotham were in trouble, they wouldn't call Robin.
They'd phone the police, but - Batman likes Robin and I like Simon.
- Thank you.
Yes, well, he's certainly not the Joker.
No, he's Robin.
Yes, I'd like a compact excavator with a rotating platform and a knuckle boom.
Yes, for the whole weekend.
360, please.
No, just the tilting bucket.
Well, that's okay, I won't require the driver.
(EXHALES) I'll be operating it.
I know, I know.
No, I I I want to drive the digger.
Yeah, I know, I'm aware I'm aware of that.
I just I know, I'm I'm I'm going to be spending this weekend driving a digger.
Now, Jasper, I've got a confession.
I used to keep your book in the downstairs toilet.
- Oh.
- I was about two chapters in and I thought this is not a toilet book.
So he moved it to the coffee table.
So I moved it to the coffee table! - Well, I'm flattered, Alan.
- Yeah.
Quick spray of Dettol.
Well, I hope that wasn't because of the content? No, it's for germs 'cause it had been in the toilet.
But what I love about it, what I love about you, is that you speak your mind.
It really is refreshing.
It's like a big gulp of mouthwash or, you know, driving dead fast with all the windows down.
Well, I'm of the view that there are certain truths that are self-evident.
So what is wrong with talking about them? The black community does have a problem with gun crime, gay activism does upset some people Israelis are rude at airports.
- Well, I'm not sure about that.
- Okay.
Japanese people always take photos of, erm, signposts.
What is that all about? What Are you asking us? No, that's a joke.
Oh, right.
Hang on, they do, don't they? (LAUGHS) Yeah, what is all that about? Maybe you should do a phone in? (STAMMERING) No, no, that we will, that we will We will do that, definitely, yeah.
Okay, here's a guy who's got a mouth like a snare and a voice like a cat trapped in one.
It's Shane MacGowan and the Pogues.
(DIRTY OLD TOWN PLAYS) - (SIGHS) Love the glasses, by the way.
- Thank you.
And the hair.
Although, it looks messy but it's actually quite hard, like you've put lacquer in it.
Hmm.
When did you touch my hair? Er Er Er SIMON: More of your texts on bathroom routines.
Enid in Docking says anyone who claims they don't wee in the shower is a liar.
Oh, bolshy lady.
And an email from Barbara in Diss.
She says, "When I'm sitting in the bath, "people outside can see my head through the window, "but when I stand, they can see my fanny.
"So I have a choice between drawing the curtain "or crawling to the bath.
" The time is 40 years after The Battle of Hastings, 11:06, Maurice in Holt, you want to take issue with Jasper.
MAURICE: Yeah.
I mean, it's this knee-jerk rubbish he wrote about the Bloody Sunday inquiry.
Yeah, you hang around with terrorists, you might get shot.
His truth, his truth.
Erm, although Gerry Adams, to be fair, has softened as his beard's got greyer.
- Erm, when it was dark and thick - So was he.
- (LAUGHS) - Ha, yeah! Yes.
Normally, he does loads like that.
Seriously.
ALAN: You're just as bad, Alan, ain't ya? Criticising the working class.
(DISCONNECTS LINE) I bet he hates fracking.
Probably always standing on picket lines.
Well, don't they all? Fingerless gloves around the brazier.
Spare me.
- Yeah, striking - And we indulge them.
- Yeah.
- Everybody out! Everyone says though, "Shouldn't we try, start arbitration?" You know, that would be one way.
The other way would be to take them outside and shoot them in front of their kids.
Ooh! He went there.
"Kneel down there, turn your head away.
" "Turn your head away!" And just empty the clip in to the back of his skull.
That'll do it.
The silence, just Broken just by the sound of the, the, the widow and his sons quietly weeping.
(SIGHS) No, but they shouldn't strike.
I liked your book.
Well, don't nick anything.
No, I won't.
I've got a little book of ideas.
Just Sorry.
That was Berlin with Take my Breath Away, er, which I'm dedicating to my partner, Angela, who's got asthma.
I'll tell you what takes my breath away.
The number of calls and texts we've had about Jasper.
It's not been like this since we had the chat about Ramadan - (CHUCKLES) - Although, on our message board, a few people have let themselves down with some pretty ugly vitriol.
- There's a surprise.
- Yeah, I won't go into detail, but lots of F's, a smattering of effing C's, some d-heads, and various T's and a couple of S for brains.
- Yes.
Right.
- Erm, okay.
- Time once again Shut up! - It sometimes seems to me that - Time once again for - A thousand apologies.
For our Local Hero of the week.
MAN ON RECORDING: Sponsored by Benson & Hedges And you'll remember last week, it went to Andy Deacon, a father of three who was on a school roof retrieving a football and found the body of a cat which he returned to its owner, very thoughtfully, in a silk-lined shoebox.
Aah, once again you've been calling with your tales of public spirit, heroism and derring-do.
I'm sure it's what Alexander Graham Bell had in mind when he invented the telephone.
Good humour.
Every week, we ask you, - our listeners - I do sometimes think we set too much to put store in hearing forward someone in your life as many opinions as possible.
who you feel is worthy - As Andrew Neil of the title "Hero".
once said to me, "Opinions - It doesn't have to be hero - "are like bottoms.
in the traditional sense.
- "Everyone has one - I.
e.
, a soldier in Iraq - "and if they had any sense but someone you feel - "they'd keep it hidden.
" has gone out of their way to do - If it's not Twitter, something for someone else.
it's online polls or - That's what we're looking for.
corporate focus groups.
- It really is that simple.
- It does makes one - crave a little bit of silence.
- Unbelievable.
Hello, June? - JUNE: Hello? - It's Alan Partridge from North Norfolk Digital's Local Hero.
MAN ON RECORDING: Sponsored by Benson & Hedges.
- JUNE: Who was that? - Your friend Maggie tells us that you've been recently knitting some luminous bibs for the car park attendants at your office.
- Oh, I did, yeah.
- Well, I'm pleased to say that you've been named as this week's Local Hero.
ROBOT VOICE: You are a hero.
JUNE: Who was that? By way of a prize, er, you should be able to see a man outside dressed as a clown with £100 cash in his pocket.
JUNE: Oh.
Is he smoking a cigarette? - He might be.
- (LAUGHS) Simon, who'd be your local hero? Er Probably my newsagent.
Erm, at the end of the day, each day he gives away all the leftover sandwiches to homeless people.
- That's a hero.
- He's a hero.
He's a hero.
What about you, Jasper? - Oh, no, I couldn't possibly comment.
- Oh, go on.
Oh, well, I'll tell you who I wouldn't nominate We can all do that.
Hitler.
Tell us who you would nominate.
Well, I've always admired Not someone who works in the media or London.
God forbid.
Making one of them a hero would be a like Don't do one of those.
Just tell us who's your hero.
Well, er, there was a history teacher at my school.
Er, Mr Rigg.
- Now that's Sorry.
- So he'd be mine - You were saying? - No, please do go on, I insist.
Just, he'd be, er He didn't have to take me under his wing.
And, er (CLEARS THROAT) He did.
He was very kind to me when I was When I was vulnerable, and, er And I miss him.
And I don't mind saying that.
You should talk more like that.
Because when you did, you can see in your face that deep down you're a cracking fella.
Mmm.
Thank you.
(AS SCHWARZENEGGER) Forget about it.
Forget about it.
(LAUGHS) Love that.
Okay, time for some music.
Here's a chap who's permanently high while his mates sell blubber for cash.
- It's Bob Marley and the Wailers.
- (REGGAE MUSIC PLAYING) ALAN AND PIPPA: All the other kids With the pumped up kicks Better run, better run Outrun my gun All the other kids With the pumped up kicks Better run, better run Faster than my bullet Is that better, does that feel a bit better? PIPPA: Yeah, a bit.
Well, I hope that helps.
I know you You've got to talk to someone professional.
It's not really I'm not equipped for, er - Singing songs? for, er, for you, Pippa.
You really need to, er The number's in the book, you know, so I'll talk to you, call again soon, I'll I'll always talk to you.
Thanks a lot, love.
Got to go.
Bye.
You're listening to Mid Morning Matters with Alan Partridge.
Today is Valentine Day! WOMAN ON RECORDING: Alan, Alan.
Alan.
Oh! Alan! MAN ON RECORDING: Happy Valentine.
Er Without further ado, he's sitting right next to me.
If I was blind I'd know he was here because being hungover as he is, he smells like a ruddy, ruddy brewery staffed by tramps.
None other than the Sidekick Simon.
MAN: Sidekick Simon, Sidekick Simon Seriously, you stink.
Sidekick Simon, Sidekick Simon Yep, I've got some dedications here, Alan.
Erm, Andy would like to say hello to his darling wife, Beverley.
They met 12 years ago in some woods.
She was walking her dog and he was just looking for something.
And they married very soon afterwards.
The time is 11:17.
That sounds like an early '80s synth band.
11.
17, you should have said that.
Er, coming up, Jill Reynolds will be giving us both a good, old-fashioned nosh.
Er, the local top chef will be preparing some Valentine's fare.
- I wonder what will be on the menu.
- (CHUCKLES) You don't want to think about it? - No.
- (BOTH LAUGH) Goblins, er, meat pud in a tin, cold, eaten with a fork? Tinned goblins beef burgers in brine, again cold, eaten with a fork? Fray Bentos pie filling? No pie, just the filling? Eaten with a table spoon so you have to stretch your mouth to get it in.
Erm Er, semolina skins, some warm, some cold, eaten with a fork in a warm bathroom.
This is the enormous Barry White, singing a song about how he somehow makes love to a woman.
Does not bear thinking about.
Jill, Valentine's Day.
Unfortunately, not something the whole world can celebrate.
No, that's right, Alan.
And if you're single on Valentine's Day, it can be very hard.
But good food will always lift the spirits.
Absolutely.
I couldn't agree more.
I think really the message is, to anyone who is lonely out there, on a day like today, throw caution to the wind and eat yourself giddy.
I think on Valentine's day particularly, it would be a cold heart that wouldn't let you use food as a crutch.
Well, the thing is, Alan, it's called comfort food for a reason.
It is, it is.
Although I would say that if you are going to do that, please introduce roughage at some point along the way.
Forward planning always pays off.
You don't want the 15th to be the more depressing day than the 14th.
Although for me it always is.
Unfortunately, that's the day my ruddy dad died.
So, yeah, but, er, mixed feelings.
Not all bad.
Well, a good plate of comfort food can really work wonders In a nutshell, I got a bit of that, but I loved him, so (SIGHS) Ah.
Well, a good plate of comfort food can do wonders for a broken heart.
- If not for the waistline.
- Off.
Let me ask you about comfort food.
We've all been there.
You come home from another god-awful day at work, with people you hate.
There's no one at home.
The lights are all on, the sink's full of dishes.
You flop down on the sofa, don't even take your coat off.
Who are you trying to impress? There's no one there.
The TV's blaring out, you can't find the remote, it's been on ITV for a month.
You're vaguely aware of some policeman talking to a drunk teenager with a blurry face and you think, "So help me God, I need to be comforted by food.
" What do you cook? Fried egg sandwiches.
Yeah.
Three fried eggs on Mother's Pride white bread, with lots of butter.
Er Ah Right.
You're a chef, right? - Yeah, but even chefs need comforting.
- Yeah, all right.
- Alan, can I ask you something? - You may.
What makes you feel sexy? Sitting in a leather chair in my underpants.
- No, I mean food-wise.
- Oh, erm, blue cheese.
- Oh, that's nightmares.
- Because for a lot of people, it means Italian food.
The food of love.
And so, today, I'm going to be making a dish from Naples.
- SIMON: Nipples.
- What? Staggering.
He was out on the town last night.
- No, I wasn't.
- Of course, you were.
I wasn't, I was at home.
I was drinking on my own.
- Where do you live? A drop-in centre? - Back off! I'm having a tough time at the moment.
- Here's, er, Traffic and Truffle.
- (HORNS HONKING) MAN ON RECORDING: Traffic and Travel sponsored by Castrol.
Alan, can I just use the loo? What for? I mean, yeah, sure.
Just, er, use the disabled.
He's only in on Wednesdays.
They've designed the whole building around him.
You'd think he was some sort of evil genius.
He's not.
He's just knows a lot about jazz.
Lynn, I haven't got Angela a Valentine's present so you've got until noon to scour Norfolk for a competitively priced baby doll nightie.
That's exactly what I said, Lynn.
Then wrap a bow on it and put it in bubble wrap.
I know it won't smash, Lynn, just wrap it in bubble wrap! (SIGHS) To recap, that's three wagon wheels, a whole pack of butter into a pan of hot PG Tips.
Defrost an Aunt Bessie's Yorkshire pud, pour in the solution quickly.
Take some broken Easter eggs.
I got mine round the back of Rowntree Mackintosh.
Smear it round the circumference, add the Jaffa lid.
Boom, you've got yourself a giant Rolo.
Well, I do admire your creativity, Alan.
I really do.
And, you know, I like a man who likes his puds! Off! Who's hungry? MAN ON RECORDING: I'm hungry, I'm famished.
Give me something to eat.
Please, I'm starving.
Please give me something to eat.
Anything.
I need some food.
I'm starving, please! I've got malnutrition! (LAUGHS) I love that.
I offered it to Comic Relief, they didn't want it.
Their loss.
Anyway, time for our Valentine gobble-off.
Whatcha got, Jill? It's a dish that's very popular in the southern part of Italy.
And it's linguine con sarde.
Which is BOTH: Linguine - With something - Sardines.
Precisely.
Fish pasta.
But with the fish being, in this instance, sardines.
- Yeah.
- Got it.
So, we take our lovely fresh sardines.
We've also got pine nuts, red chillies, fennel and onion.
Okay, but do it without the fennel because I don't like fennel and I don't want fennel in it.
Oh, I wouldn't have put you down as a fussy eater, Alan.
I just don't like fennel.
No, but honestly, you won't notice it, but it will make all the difference.
It just lifts the whole thing.
If you put fennel in there, we're going to fall out.
- Okay.
- Mmm.
So, first of all we're going to chop up our red chillies and our onion.
Some people have them ready chopped, but we're not gonna do that.
We're gonna chop them ourselves.
Simon, when you snapped before, the reason I didn't slap you is because I'm concerned.
Sorry, I'm just feeling a bit down at the moment.
What you down for, buddy bo? Hmm.
When I first met you in that pub and you were coming up with funny words for a woman's period, I was on the floor.
And just as I tried to get up, you capped it all off with your penguin walk.
Where's that guy gone? Where's penguin period man gone? Literally, I just feel a bit down at the moment.
To the point where I almost - didn't come in today.
- Why don't you go and sit in my car? Okay.
There's half a Double Decker in the glove box.
It's yours.
Erm, there's an unopened Crunchie.
I'd ask you to leave that.
I'm driving to Banbury later.
Thanks.
"Ask your butcher where the lamb is sourced from.
"Ask your butcher if the mince is sustainable.
"Ask your butcher the best way to bone a carcass.
" Leave the guy alone! If he was good with people, he wouldn't be a butcher.
I know what you mean, love.
I mean, some of these top celebrity chefs, they're just trying too hard.
- Simple, uncomplicated food is the best.
- Couldn't agree more.
- Yeah.
- Do you know what my favourite food is? - Faggots.
- No, a good pie.
- Mine, too.
- There you are.
I love a good pie.
And what would be your favourite filling? Your dream filling, your ideal filling? Do you mean foodstuff? Erm, not necessarily.
What were you thinking of? Julia Bradbury.
- Ooh! - (LAUGHS) Ooh.
The TV presenter? Yeah, the presenter of Countryfile and Canal Walks and Wainright Walks and other shows.
I Yeah.
I'd put her in a big oven.
I wouldn't want to break her up.
Erm, I'd baste her with hot butter using the empty butter pack as a kind of cream glove.
Then, erm, pop on a pastry lid, two hours on a low heat.
Er Done.
- Add chopped cabbage.
- (LAUGHS) How did you come up with that idea? I don't know, I have this dream where Julia and I are walking along, er, a lakeland fell when the heavens open and I've lost my compass, literally, and we don't know which direction to go in, so we have to pitch this tent, which we crawl inside, cuddle each other and start crying and then, and I have to be honest with you, Jill, we have a kiss.
A Julia Bradbury pie.
Well, that's a new one on me! You're like Heston Blumenthal there with his egg-and-bacon ice cream.
(BOTH LAUGHING) I am like Heston.
"Heston Blumenthal.
" - (IN GERMAN ACCENT) "Heston Blumenthal.
- (LAUGHING) "I'm going to take ze egg and bacon and cross zem mit und ice cream.
" "But, sir, zat is not natural.
" "Silence! "The experiments will begin at dawn.
Soon we will have ice cream "which will rule the menu for a thousand years.
" "Heston Blumenthal neither endorses (NORMALLY) "nor is affiliated with extreme" Shh.
"Extreme right-wing groups or their activities.
" Apologise for any connotations there.
That's fair enough.
Okay, erm, this is side two of Mike Oldfield, Tubular Bells.
See you in 20 minutes.
Right.
I'm off for a shower.
Jill, thanks ever so much for coming in.
Erm, you've given me food, and you've given my listeners food for thought.
Bye, Norfolk.
That was great, lovely.
Really.
Oh, thank you and I do hope that one day you get your walk with Julia Bradbury.
Hmm, I think that's unlikely after what I said on air.
Oh, no, surely not.
I think she would want She would only, probably, countenance it with a group of ramblers.
Or, at the very least, with some sort of heavy supervision.
SIMON: Look what the cat dragged in.
- Oh, hiya.
- Hello.
Hi.
Everything all right? Yeah, just had a bit of a cry.
Boo-hoo.
- No, I meant the car.
- Yeah, no, it's fine.
Yeah, right.
Erm, and you're good? I mean, you don't have to talk about it.
Well, my girlfriend has been texting her ex.
And, erm, I know that they were friends before they went out and so she says that they're friends When you get upset, what you should try and do is bottle it up.
Erm, in the short term at least.
You're not a member of a gun club, are you? - No.
- Great.
Yeah, then just bottle it up and when you find an appropriate venue, let off steam.
I go to Thetford Forest once every other Sunday - and scream myself a hoarse.
- At a horse? No, I scream myself hoarse.
I have screamed at a horse, but that was That was for a different thing.
- Bye.
- Don't cry.
Nobody likes a cry-baby.
Women like a real man who doesn't take any shit.
So, pull yourself together and be a fucking man.
Ta-rah.
Bye.
That was weird.
What's the fish pasta like? Er It's missing something.