Monty Python's Flying Circus (1969) s02e04 Episode Script
The Buzz Aldrin Show
1 (simple, cheery tune plays) (humming) (door closes) (humming) (snoring) (clock ticking) (snoring and ticking continue) (alarm clock rings) (dramatic inspirational music plays) (audience laughter) (propellers whirring) AND NOW FOR SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT.
IT'S (Sousa's "Liberty Bell March" playing) MONTY PYTHON'S FLYING CIRCUS.
U.
S.
DEPARTMENT OF EDUCATION and A&E TELEVISION NETWORKS.]
(music ends with raspberry) (not in unison): HELLO, AND WELCOME TO THE SHOW.
WITHOUT MORE ADO THE FIRST ITEM IS A SKETCH ABOUT ARCHITECTS CALLED "THE ARCHITECTS SKETCH.
" THE ARCHITECTS SKETCH! THE ARCHITECTS SKETCH! THE ARCHITECTS SKETCH! UP THERE! UP THERE! UP THERE! (shouting continues) GENTLEMEN, WE HAVE TWO BASIC SUGGESTIONS FOR THE DESIGN OF THIS (shouting continues outside) (laughter) GENTLEMEN, WE HAVE TWO BASIC SUGGESTIONS FOR THE DESIGN OF THIS (shouting continues) SHUT UP! (shouting stops) GENTLEMEN, WE HAVE TWO BASIC SUGGESTIONS (men shouting "Sorry") (laughter) GENTLEMEN, WE HAVE TWO BASIC SUGGESTIONS FOR THE DESIGN OF THIS ARCHITECTURAL BLOCK THE RESIDENTIAL BLOCK.
AND I THOUGHT IT BEST THA THE ARCHITECTS THEMSELVES CAME IN TO EXPLAIN THE ADVANTAGES OF BOTH DESIGNS.
(knock at door) THAT MUST BE THE FIRST ARCHITECT NOW.
AH, YES, IT'S MR.
WIGGIN OF IRONSIDE AND MALONE.
GOOD MORNING, GENTLEMEN.
THIS IS A 12-STORY BLOCK COMBINING CLASSICAL NEO-GEORGIAN FEATURES WITH ALL THE ADVANTAGES OF MODERN DESIGN.
THE TENANTS ARRIVE IN THE ENTRANCE HALL HERE ARE CARRIED ALONG THE CORRIDOR ON A CONVEYOR BEL IN EXTREME COMFORT, AND PAST MURALS DEPICTING MEDITERRANEAN SCENES TOWARDS THE ROTATING KNIVES.
THE LAST 20 FEET OF THE CORRIDOR ARE HEAVILY SOUNDPROOFED.
THE BLOOD POURS DOWN THESE CHUTES AND THE MANGLED FLESH SLURPS INTO THESE EXCUSE ME.
HMM? DID YOU SAY KNIVES? ROTATING KNIVES, YES.
ARE YOU PROPOSING TO SLAUGHTER OUR TENANTS? DOES THAT NOT FIT IN WITH YOUR PLANS? NO, WE WANTED A SIMPLE BLOCK OF FLATS.
AH! I SEE.
I HADN'T CORRECTLY DIVINED YOUR ATTITUDE TOWARDS YOUR TENANTS.
SEE, I MAINLY DESIGN SLAUGHTERHOUSES, YES, PITY.
MIND YOU, THIS IS A REAL BEAUT.
I MEAN, NONE OF YOUR BLOOD CAKED ON THE WALLS AND FLESH FLYING OU OF THE WINDOWS INCONVENIENCING PASSERSBY WITH THIS ONE.
I MEAN, MY LIFE HAS BEEN BUILDING UP TO THIS.
YES, AND WELL DONE.
BUT WE DID WAN A BLOCK OF FLATS.
WELL, MAY I ASK YOU TO RECONSIDER? I MEAN, YOU WOULDN'T REGRET IT.
THINK OF THE TOURIST TRADE.
NO, IT'S JUST THAT WE WANTED A BLOCK OF FLATS AND NOT AN ABATTOIR.
YES, WELL, OF COURSE, THAT'S JUST THE SOR OF BLINKERED PHILISTINE PIG IGNORANCE I'VE COME TO EXPEC FROM YOU NON-CREATIVE GARBAGE.
YOU SIT THERE ON YOUR LOATHSOME, SPOTTY BEHINDS SQUEEZING BLACKHEADS NOT CARING A TINKER'S CUSS ABOUT THE STRUGGLING ARTIST.
YOU EXCREMENT! YOU LOUSY, HYPOCRITICAL, WHINING TOADIES WITH YOUR LOUSY COLOR TV SETS AND YOUR TONY JACKLIN GOLF CLUBS AND YOUR BLEEDING MASONIC HANDSHAKES.
YOU WOULDN'T LET ME JOIN, WOULD YOU YOU BLACKBALLING BASTARDS! WELL, I WOULDN'T BECOME A FREEMASON NOW IF YOU WENT DOWN ON YOUR LOUSY, STINKING, PURULENT KNEES AND BEGGED ME! WELL, WE'RE SORRY YOU FEEL LIKE THA BUT WE DID WAN A BLOCK OF FLATS NICE THOUGH THE ABATTOIR IS.
OH (blows raspberry) THE ABATTOIR.
THAT'S NOT IMPORTANT.
BUT IF ONE OF YOU COULD PUT IN A WORD FOR ME I'D LOVE TO BE A FREEMASON.
FREEMASONRY OPENS DOORS.
I MEAN, I WAS I WAS A BI ON EDGE JUST NOW BUT IF I WAS A MASON I'D JUST SIT AT THE BACK AND NOT GET IN ANYONE'S WAY.
THANK YOU.
I'VE GO A SECONDHAND APRON.
THANK YOU.
I NEARLY GOT IN AT HENDON.
THANK YOU.
I'M SORRY ABOUT THAT, GENTLEMEN.
THE SECOND ARCHITECT IS A MR.
LEAVEY OF WYMIS AND DIBBLE.
GOOD MORNING, GENTLEMEN.
THIS IS A SCALE MODEL OF THE BLOCK.
THERE ARE 28 STORIES WITH 280 MODERN APARTMENTS.
THERE ARE THREE MAIN LIFTS AND TWO SERVICE LIFTS.
ACCESS WOULD BE FROM DIBBINGLEY ROAD.
(laughter) THE STRUCTURE IS BUIL ON A CENTRAL PILLAR SYSTEM WITH CANTILEVERED FLOORS IN PRE-STRESSED STEEL AND CONCRETE.
THE DIVIDING WALLS ON EACH FLOOR SECTION ARE FIXED WITH RECESSED MAGNALLIUM FLANGED GR (laughter) BY AVOIDING WOOD AND TIMBER DERIVATIVES AND ALL OTHER INFLAMMABLES WE'VE ALMOST TOTALLY REMOVED THE RISK OF (laughter) QUITE FRANKLY, I THINK THE CENTRAL PILLAR SYSTEM MAY NEED STRENGTHENING A BIT.
ISN'T THAT GOING TO PUT THE COST UP? IT MIGHT.
WELL, I DON'T KNOW WHETHER I'D WORRY ABOUT STRENGTHENING THAT MUCH.
AFTER ALL, THEY'RE NO MEANT TO BE LUXURY FLATS.
NO, I QUITE AGREE.
I MEAN, PROVIDED THE TENANTS ARE OF LIGHT BUILD AND RELATIVELY SEDENTARY AND GIVEN A SPO OF GOOD WEATHER I THINK WE'RE ONTO A WINNER HERE.
OH, THANK YOU.
(crack) QUITE AGREE, QUITE AGREE.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
THANK YOU.
IT OPENS DOORS, I'M TELLING YOU.
LET'S HAVE A LOOK AT THAT HANDSHAKE AGAIN IN SLOWMOTION.
(laughter) WHAT OTHER WAYS ARE THERE OF RECOGNIZING A MASON? (laughter) HAVING ONCE IDENTIFIED A MASON, IMMEDIATE STEPS MUST BE TAKEN TO ISOLATE HIM FROM THE GENERAL PUBLIC.
HAVING ACCOMPLISHED THA IT IS NOW POSSIBLE TO CURE HIM OF THESE UNFORTUNATE MASONIC TENDENCIES THROUGH THE USE OF BEHAVIORAL PSYCHOTHERAPY.
IN THIS TREATMEN THE PATIENT IS REWARDED FOR THE CORRECT RESPONSE AND PUNISHED FOR THE WRONG ONE.
LET US BEGIN.
WOULD YOU LIKE TO GIVE UP BEING A MASON? THINK CAREFULLY.
THINK.
THINK.
NO.
NO?! THAT'S WRONG! WRONG! WRONG! WRONG! WRONG! NO! NO! BAD! BAD DOG! BAD! THE BBC WOULD LIKE TO APOLOGIZE FOR THE FOLLOWING ANNOUNCEMENT.
(Gumbys moaning) (in unison): OH! AND THE NEXT ITEM IS A SKETCH ABOUT INSURANCE CALLED "INSURANCE SKETCH.
" INSURANCE SKETCH! INSURANCE SKETCH! WHAT DO YOU WANT? WELL, I'VE COME ABOUT YOUR SPECIAL, FULLY COMPREHENSIVE MOTOR INSURANCE POLICY OFFER.
WHAT WAS THAT? FULLY COMPREHENSIVE MOTOR INSURANCE FOR ONE AND EIGHT PENCE.
OH! OH, YEAH.
YEAH.
WELL, UNFORTUNATELY, GUV THAT OFFER'S NO LONGER VALID.
YOU SEE, IT TURNED OU NOT TO BE ECONOMICALLY VIABLE SO WE NOW HAVE A TOTALLY NEW OFFER.
WHAT'S THAT? A NUDE LADY.
NUDE LADY? YES, YOU GET A NUDE LADY WITH A FULLY COMPREHENSIVE MOTOR INSURANCE.
IF YOU JUST WANT THIRD PARTY, SHE HAS TO KEEP HER BRA ON AND IF IT'S JUST THEFT NO, NO, I DON'T REALLY WAN THAT, MISTER MISTER DEVIOUS.
MR.
DEVIOUS, I JUST WANT TO KNOW WHAT IT WOULD COST ME TO HAVE A FULLY COMPREHENSIVE INSURANCE ON A 1970 ASTON MARTIN.
ASTON MARTIN? YEAH.
500 QUID.
500 QUID? 40 QUID.
40 QUID? 40 QUID AND A NUDE LADY.
NO, NO, I'M NOT INTERESTED IN A NUDE LADY.
DIRTY BOOKS? NO, NO, NO, LOOK, I'M NO INTERESTED IN ANY OF THAT.
I JUST WANT TO KNOW WHAT IT WOULD COST ME TO HAVE A FULLY COMPREHENSIVE INSURANCE ON A 1970 ASTON MARTIN.
CAN YOU PLEASE QUOTE ME YOUR PRICE? KNOCK, KNOCK.
WHO'S THERE? THE REVEREND.
THE REVEREND WHO? THE REVEREND MORRISON.
OH, COME IN.
NOW, THEN, VIC, WHAT'S THE TROUBLE? WELL, IT'S ABOUT THIS LETTER YOU SENT ME.
EXCUSE ME.
DO I HAVE ANY MORE LINES? I DON'T KNOW, MUSH.
I'LL HAVE A LOOK IN THE SCRIPT.
WHERE ARE WE? SHOW EIGHT.
ARE YOU "MAN"? YEAH MAN.
NO NO, YOU'VE FINISHED.
WELL, I'LL BE OFF, THEN.
RIGHT.
(laughter) "THE VICAR SITS.
" IT'S ABOUT THIS LETTER YOU SENT ME REGARDING MY INSURANCE CLAIM.
OH, YEAH.
YEAH, WELL, YOU SEE IT'S JUST THAT WE'RE NOT AS YE TOTALLY SATISFIED WITH THE GROUNDS OF YOUR CLAIM.
BUT IT SAYS SOMETHING ABOU FILLING MY MOUTH IN WITH CEMENT.
OH, WELL, THAT'S JUS INSURANCE JARGON, YOU KNOW.
MY CAR WAS HI BY A LORRY WHILE STANDING IN THE GARAGE AND YOU REFUSE TO PAY MY CLAIM.
OH, WELL, REVEREND MORRISON IN YOUR POLICY IN YOUR POLICY HERE WE ARE.
IT STATES QUITE CLEARLY THAT NO CLAIM YOU MAKE WILL BE PAID.
(laughter) OH, DEAR.
YOU SEE YOU UNFORTUNATELY PLUMPED FOR OUR "NEVERPAY" POLICY WHICH, YOU KNOW, IF YOU NEVER CLAIM, IS VERY WORTHWHILE BUT YOU HAD TO CLAIM, AND, WELL, THERE IT IS.
OH, DEAR, OH, DEAR.
STILL, NEVER MIND, COULD BE WORSE.
HOW'S THE NUDE LADY? OH, SHE'S FINE.
(sobbing) LOOK, REV, I HATE TO SEE A MAN CRY SO SHOVE OFF, OUT THE OFFICE, THAT'S A GOOD CHAP.
(laughter) OKAY, DEVIOUS! DON'T MOVE.
THE BISHOP! (crime-series-type music plays) (laughter) (choir singing) (engine roaring) (laughter) I TAKE AS MY TEXT FOR TODAY THE TEXT, VIC! DON'T SAY THE TEXT! LEVITICUS 3-14.
(explosion) (congregation squeals) WE WAS TOO LATE.
THE REVEREND GRUNDY BI THE CEILING.
(buzzing) HELLO? WHAT? WE'LL BE RIGHT OVER.
(bells tolling) (organ playing hymn) AND IT IS FOR THIS REASON THAT THE CHRISTIAN CHURCH LAYS UPON YOU, THE GODPARENTS (ticking) THE OBLIGATION OF SEEING THIS CHILD IS BROUGHT UP IN THE CHRISTIAN FAITH.
THEREFORE, I NAME THIS CHILD DON'T SAY THE KID'S NAME, VIC! FRANCESCO LUIGI (explosion) WE WAS TOO LATE.
THE REVEREND NEUK SAW THE LIGHT.
THE RING, VIC DON'T TOUCH THE RING! (laughter) (bell tolling) (bell tolls, man chokes) HEY, VIC (snaps) DEARLY DEPARTED, DUST TO DUST, ASHES TO ASHES.
(creaking) (gulps) (cannon booms) (brakes screech) ("Peter Gunn Theme" plays) (laughter) Reverend Morrison: HELP, HELP! HELP, HELP! HELP, HELP! HELP, HELP! COME ON.
(laughter) OKAY, DEVIOUS, DON'T MOVE! THE BISHOP! (crime-series-type music plays) (laughter) THIS IS WHERE WE CAME IN.
YEAH.
OH, IT'S NICE TO BE HOME.
(laughter) BUILDERS HAVEN' BEEN, THEN.
NO.
THESE TWO OLD PEOPLE ARE TYPICAL OF THE HOUSING PROBLEM FACING BRITAIN'S AGED.
HERE! DON' YOU START DOING A DOCUMENTARY ON US, YOUNG MAN.
OH, PLEASE.
NO, LEAVE US ALONE.
OH, JUST A LITTLE ONE ABOUT THE APPALLING CONDITIONS UNDER WHICH YOU LIVE? NO, GET OU OF OUR HOUSE! GO ON.
Man: COME ON, GEORGE, PICK IT UP.
WHY DON'T YOU DO A DOCUMENTARY 'BOUT THE DRUG PROBLEM ROUND IN WALTON STREET? (laughter) OH, I'LL GO AND HAVE A BATH.
(declaiming): THE SPLENDOR FALLS ON CASTLE WALLS AND SNOWY SUMMITS OLD IN STORY HERE! THERE'S ALFRED LORD TENNYSON IN THE BATHROOM! WELL, AT LEAST THE POET'S BEEN INSTALLED, THEN.
YES, A POET IS ESSENTIAL FOR COMPLETE HOME COMFOR AND ALL-YEAR-ROUND RELIABILITY AT LOW COST.
WE IN THE EAST MIDLANDS POET BOARD HOPE TO HAVE A POET IN EVERY HOME BY THE END OF NEXT YEAR.
POETS ARE BOTH CLEAN AND WARM AND MOST ARE FAR ABOVE THE NORM WHETHER HERE OR ON THE ROAM HAVE A POET IN EVERY HOME! Man (intoning): I WANDERED LONELY AS A CLOUD (doorbell rings) THAT FLOATS ON HIGH OR VALE GOOD MORNING, MADAM.
I'VE COME TO READ YOUR POET.
OH, YES, IT'S IN THE CUPBOARD UNDER THE STAIRS.
(coughs) WHAT IS IT A SWINBURNE? SHELLEY? NO, IT'S A WORDSWORTH.
OH, BLOODY DAFFODILS.
Wordsworth: BENEATH THE TREES FLUTTERING AND DANCING IN THE BREEZE CONTINUOUS AS THE STARS THAT SHINE AND TWINKLE ON THE MILKY WAY (coughing): RIGHT, THANK YOU, MADAM.
OH, NOT AT ALL.
THANK YOU.
(grunts) IT'S A NICE DAY, ISN'T IT? YES, YES, THE WEATHER SITUATION IS GENERALLY FAVORABLE.
THERE'S A RIDGE OF HIGH PRESSURE CENTERED OVER IRELAND WHICH IS MOVING STEADILY EASTWARDS BRINGING CLOUDY WEATHER TO PARTS OF THE WEST COUNTRY, WALES AND AREAS WES OF THE PENNINES.
ON TOMORROW'S CHART (loud laughter) THE SITUATION'S MUCH THE SAME.
WITH THIS OCCLUDED FRON BRINGING DRIER, WARMER WEATHER TEMPERATURES ABOUT AVERAGE FOR THE TIME OF YEAR.
THAT'S THREE DEGREES CENTIGRADE, 44 DEGREES FAHRENHEI SO DON'T FORGET TO WRAP UP WELL.
THAT'S ALL FROM ME.
GOOD NIGHT.
NOW ON BBC TELEVISION, A CHOICE OF VIEWING.
ON BBC 2, A DISCUSSION ON CENSORSHIP BETWEEN DEREK HART, THE BISHOP OF WOOLWICH AND A NUDE MAN.
AND ON BBC 1, ME TELLING YOU THIS.
AND NOW Woman: WE DON'T WANT THAT, DO WE? DO YOU REALLY WAN THAT CHERRY IN YOUR TEA? DO YOU LIKE DOING THIS JOB? WELL, IT'S A LIVING, ISN'T IT? I MEAN, DON' YOU GET BORED READING PEOPLE'S POETS ALL DAY? WELL YOU KNOW SOMETIMES, YEAH.
ANYWAY, I THINK I'LL BETTER BE GOING.
YOU'VE GOT A NICE TORCH, HAVEN'T YOU? (laughter) UH, YEAH, YEAH.
IT'S A I GOES, UH, ON AND OFF.
HOW MANY VOLTS IS IT? OH, UH WELL, I'LL HAVE A LOOK AT THE BATTERIES.
OH, YES, YES.
IT'S, UH 4½ VOLTS.
MMM, THAT'S WONDERFUL.
DO YOU WANT ANOTHER LOOK AT THE POET? NO, NO, I MUS BE OFF, REALLY.
I'VE GOT THOMAS HARDY IN THE BEDROOM.
I'D LIKE YOU TO LOOK AT HIM.
OH, WELL, I CAN'T TOUCH HIM; HE'S A NOVELIST.
OH, HE KEEPS MUMBLING ALL NIGHT.
AH, WELL, NOVELISTS DO, YOU SEE.
OH, FORGET HIM! WHAT'S YOUR NAME, DEARY? HARNESS.
NO, NO YOUR FIRST NAME, SILLY.
WOMBAT.
OH, WOMBAT! WOMBAT HARNESS! TAKE ME TO THE PLACE WHERE ETERNITY KNOWS NO BOUNDS WHERE THE GARDEN OF LOVE ENCLOSES US ROUND.
OH, HARNESS ALL RIGHT, I'LL HAVE A QUICK LOOK AT YOUR THOMAS HARDY.
NUDE MAN, WHAT DID YOU MAKE OF THAT? WELL, DON'T YOU SEE THAT WAS EXACTLY THE KIND OF EXPLICIT SEXUAL REFERENCE I'M OBJECTING TO.
IT IS TITILLATION FOR THE SAKE OF I A DELIBERATE ATTEMP AT CHEAP SENSATIONALISM.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE SO-CALLED AVANT-GARDE, LEFT-WING INTELLECTUAL NAMBY-PAMBIES SAY.
IT IS FILTH! BISHOP.
OKAY, DON'T ANYBODY MOVE! (crime-series-type music plays) THE BBC WOULD LIKE TO APOLOGIZE FOR THE CONSTAN REPETITION IN THIS SHOW.
THE BBC WOULD LIKE TO APOLOGIZE FOR THE CONSTAN REPETITION IN THIS SHOW.
Man: WHEE, WHOOPS! Man 2: OH, WHOOPS-A-DAISY! (men whooping) (sproinging) (laughter) (whimpers) (thumping) (gruffly): SHUT UP, ALL OF YOU UP THERE.
WHAT? CAN'T A GUY GE SOME SLEEP AROUND HERE? A LITTLE PEACE AND QUIET'S ALL I WANT.
SHUT UP RIGHT NOW OR I'M COMING UP.
(chicken clucking) I HOPE YOU'RE EN JOY ING THIS! Dispatcher: ATTENTION.
THERE'S BEEN A NASTY FIVE-FROG CURSE NEAR THE M4.
PROCEED IMMEDIATELY TO THE AREA.
(siren wails, frogs croak) Man: OH, DEAR.
Man 2: LOOKS BAD.
Man 3: MMM, VERY BAD.
Man 4: QUITE AGREED.
Man 1: ONLY WAY THING TO DO WITH A MULTIPLE FROG CURSE LIKE THIS.
Man 4: RIGHTO, GET THE MAGIC WAND.
Man 3: CLEAR THE AREA.
FIRE! (explosion) (in loud, slow unison): THANK YOU! AND NOW A SKETCH ABOUT A CHEMIS CALLED "THE CHEMIST SKETCH"! RIGHT, I'VE GOT SOME OF YOUR PRESCRIPTIONS HERE.
UH, WHO'S GOT THE POX? (laughter) COME ON, WHO'S GOT THE POX? COME ON! COME (laughter) CATCH.
WHO'S GOT A BOIL ON THE BUM? BOIL ON THE BOTTY.
WHO'S GOT THE CHEST RASH? HAVE TO GET A BIGGER BOTTLE.
(laughter) WHO'S GOT WHO'S GOT WIND? CATCH.
THE BBC WOULD LIKE TO APOLOGIZE FOR THE POOR QUALITY OF THE WRITING IN THAT SKETCH.
IT IS NOT BBC POLICY TO GET EASY LAUGHS WITH WORDS LIKE "BUM," "KNICKERS," "BOTTY" OR "WEE-WEES"SHH! (laughter) THESE ARE THE WORDS WHICH ARE NOT TO BE USED AGAIN ON THIS PROGRAM.
(light laughter) (laughter) SEMPRINI!? OUT! RIGHT, WHO'S GOT A BOIL ON HIS SEMPRINI, THEN? (laughter) GOOD MORNING.
GOOD MORNING, SIR.
GOOD MORNING, I'D LIKE SOME AFTERSHAVE, PLEASE.
CERTAINLY, SIR, WALK THIS WAY, PLEASE.
IF I COULD WALK THAT WAY I WOULDN'T NEED AFTERSHAVE.
(laughter) GOOD MORNING.
GOOD MORNING, SIR.
CAN I HELP YOU? YES, I'D LIKE SOME AFTERSHAVE.
AH, A TOILE REQUISIT-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T.
WOULD YOU LIKE TO TRY THIS, SIR? IT'S OUR VERY LATEST.
IT'S CALLED "SEA MIST.
" (dubiously): MMM, I QUITE LIKE IT.
HOW ABOUT SOMETHING A LITTLE MORE MUSKY? THIS ONE'S CALLED "MIMMO.
" MMM, NOT REALLY, NO.
HAVE YOU ANYTHING A LITTLE FISHIER? FISHIER? FISHIER.
FISH, FISH, FISH.
A FISHY REQUISIT-T-T-T-T-T-T-T.
LIKE HALIBUT OR SEA BASS.
OR BREAM? YES.
NO, WE HAVEN' GOT ANY OF THAT.
UH, I'VE GOT MACKEREL OR COD OR HAKE.
YOU HAVEN' GOT ANYTHING A LITTLE MORE HALIBUTISH? UH PARROT? (laughter) WHAT'S THA DOING THERE? OR SKATE WITH JUS A HINT OF PRAWN.
OR CRAB, TIGER AND ALMONDS VERY UNUSUAL.
I REALLY HAD MY HEAR SET ON HALIBUT.
WELL, SIR, WE HAD A FISHY CONSIGNMENT IN THIS MORNING SO I COULD NIP DOWN TO THE BASEMEN AND SEE IF I CAN COME UP TRUMPS WITH THIS PARTICULAR REQUISIT-T-T-T-T-T-T-T.
SO IT WAS HALIBUT OR? SEA BASS.
SEA BASS! WON'T BE A MOMENT-T-T-T-T-T.
SORRY ABOUT THIS.
(hums) NORMALLY WE TRY AND AVOID THESE LITTLE PAUSES "LONGEURS" ONLY DRAMATICALLY HE'S GONE DOWN TO THE BASEMENT, YOU SEE.
COURSE, THERE ISN' REALLY A BASEMENT.
BUT HE JUST GOES OFF AND WE PRETEND.
(laughter) ACTUALLY WHAT HAPPENS IS HE JUST GOES OFF THERE OFF-CAMERA AND JUST WAITS THERE SO IT LOOKS AS THOUGH HE'S GONE DOWN TO THE BASEMENT.
(laughter) ACTUALLY I THINK HE'S RATHER OVERDOING IT.
AH! (laughter) (panting) AH, SORRY, SIR.
A LOT OF STEPS.
WELL, I'M AFRAID IT DIDN' COME IN THIS MORNING, SIR BUT WE HAVE GOT SOME DOWN AT OUR KENSINGTON BRANCH.
I'LL JUST NIP DOWN THERE AND GET IT FOR YOU.
HOW LONG WILL THAT BE? TWENTY MINUTES.
TWENTY MINUTES!? (hums) PSST! OH, I WONDER WHAT OTHER PEOPLE USE FOR AFTERSHAVE LOTION.
(loudly): I USE A BODY RUB CALLED "HALITOSIS"! IT MAKES MY BREATH SEEM SWEET! I USE AN AFTERSHAVE CALLED "SEMPRINI"! (laughter) UH, SORRY, SORRY, CAN'T STOP NOW.
I'VE GOT TO GET TO KENSINGTON.
I USE TWO KINDS OF AFTERSHAVE LOTION: FRANKINCENSE, MYRRH THREE KINDS OF AFTERSHAVE LOTION: FRANKINCENSE, MYRRH, SAN FOUR KINDS OF AFTERSHAVE LOTION: FRANKINCENSE I HAVE A COLD SHOWER EVERY MORNING JUST BEFORE I GO MAD AND THEN I GO MAD ONE, MAD TWO, MAD THREE, MAD FOUR I USE RANCID POLECAT NUMBER TWO.
IT KEEPS MY SKIN NICE AND SCALY.
UH, SORRY AGAIN.
CAN'T STOP.
GOT TO GET BACK.
(laughter) (panting): WHOO! WELL, I'M AFRAID THEY DON'T HAVE ANY IN OUR KENSINGTON BRANCH BUT WE HAVE GOT SOME DOWN IN THE DEPOT.
WHERE'S THAT? ABERDEEN.
ABERDEEN!? IT'S ALL RIGHT; YOU WAIT HERE.
I'VE GOT A CAR.
NO, NO, NO, I'LL TAKE THE OTHER THE CRAB, TIGER AND ALMOND REQUISIT-T-T-T-T-T? I'LL TAKE IT.
(humming) (laughter) (whistles loudly) RIGHT! RIGHT! RIGHT! NOW, THEN, NOW, THEN! YOUR TURN.
AREN'T YOU GOING TO SAY "WHAT'S ALL THIS, THEN?" OH, RIGHT WHAT'S ALL THIS, THEN? THIS MAN HAS BEEN SHOPLIFTING, OFFICER.
OH, YES? YES.
ARE YOU TRYING TO TELL ME MY JOB? UH, NO, BUT HE'S BEEN SHOPLIFTING.
LOOK, I MUST WARN YOU THAT ANYTHING YOU MAY SAY WILL BE IGNORED.
AND FURTHERMORE, GIVEN HALF A CHANCE I'LL PUT MY FIST THROUGH YOUR TEETH F'TANG! F'TANG! BUT OFFICER, THIS MAN HERE LOOK, I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU.
YOU'RE UNDER ARREST.
(imitates airplane zooming and firing) OFFICER, IT WASN'T HIM; HE'S THE SHOPLIFTER.
NO, I'M NOT.
HE'S NOT; I'M A WITNESS.
LOOK, ONE MORE PEEP OUT OF YOU AND I'LL DO YOU FOR HERESY.
HERESY!? BLIMEY, I DIDN'T EXPEC THE SPANISH INQUISITION.
SHUT UP! F'TANG, F'TANG! OOH, THAT'S NICE.
RIGHT! I'M TAKING YOU ALONG TO THE STATION.
WHAT FOR? I'M CHARGING YOU WITH ILLEGAL POSSESSION OF WHATEVER WE HAPPEN TO HAVE DOWN THERE RIGHT! LUNAR MODULE CALLING BUZZ ALDRIN.
COME IN.
(imitates plane) RAINDROPS KEEP FALLING ON MY HEAD BUT THAT DOESN' MEAN THAT THE BBC WOULD LIKE TO APOLOGIZE TO THE POLICE ABOUT THE CHARACTER OF POLICE CONSTABLE PAN AM.
HE WAS NOT MEANT TO REPRESEN THE A VERAGE POLICE OFFICER.
SIMILARLY, THE REFERENCE TO BUZZ ALDRIN, THE ASTRONAU WAS THE PRODUC OF A DISORDERED MIND AND SHOULD NOT BE CONSTRUED AS HAVING ANY OTHER SIGNIFICANCE.
("Star Spangled Banner" plays) (in slow, loud unison): AND NOW FOR SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT! (tittering) (audience laughter) OH! THAT WAS FUN! AND NOW (not in unison): THE END! THE END!
IT'S (Sousa's "Liberty Bell March" playing) MONTY PYTHON'S FLYING CIRCUS.
U.
S.
DEPARTMENT OF EDUCATION and A&E TELEVISION NETWORKS.]
(music ends with raspberry) (not in unison): HELLO, AND WELCOME TO THE SHOW.
WITHOUT MORE ADO THE FIRST ITEM IS A SKETCH ABOUT ARCHITECTS CALLED "THE ARCHITECTS SKETCH.
" THE ARCHITECTS SKETCH! THE ARCHITECTS SKETCH! THE ARCHITECTS SKETCH! UP THERE! UP THERE! UP THERE! (shouting continues) GENTLEMEN, WE HAVE TWO BASIC SUGGESTIONS FOR THE DESIGN OF THIS (shouting continues outside) (laughter) GENTLEMEN, WE HAVE TWO BASIC SUGGESTIONS FOR THE DESIGN OF THIS (shouting continues) SHUT UP! (shouting stops) GENTLEMEN, WE HAVE TWO BASIC SUGGESTIONS (men shouting "Sorry") (laughter) GENTLEMEN, WE HAVE TWO BASIC SUGGESTIONS FOR THE DESIGN OF THIS ARCHITECTURAL BLOCK THE RESIDENTIAL BLOCK.
AND I THOUGHT IT BEST THA THE ARCHITECTS THEMSELVES CAME IN TO EXPLAIN THE ADVANTAGES OF BOTH DESIGNS.
(knock at door) THAT MUST BE THE FIRST ARCHITECT NOW.
AH, YES, IT'S MR.
WIGGIN OF IRONSIDE AND MALONE.
GOOD MORNING, GENTLEMEN.
THIS IS A 12-STORY BLOCK COMBINING CLASSICAL NEO-GEORGIAN FEATURES WITH ALL THE ADVANTAGES OF MODERN DESIGN.
THE TENANTS ARRIVE IN THE ENTRANCE HALL HERE ARE CARRIED ALONG THE CORRIDOR ON A CONVEYOR BEL IN EXTREME COMFORT, AND PAST MURALS DEPICTING MEDITERRANEAN SCENES TOWARDS THE ROTATING KNIVES.
THE LAST 20 FEET OF THE CORRIDOR ARE HEAVILY SOUNDPROOFED.
THE BLOOD POURS DOWN THESE CHUTES AND THE MANGLED FLESH SLURPS INTO THESE EXCUSE ME.
HMM? DID YOU SAY KNIVES? ROTATING KNIVES, YES.
ARE YOU PROPOSING TO SLAUGHTER OUR TENANTS? DOES THAT NOT FIT IN WITH YOUR PLANS? NO, WE WANTED A SIMPLE BLOCK OF FLATS.
AH! I SEE.
I HADN'T CORRECTLY DIVINED YOUR ATTITUDE TOWARDS YOUR TENANTS.
SEE, I MAINLY DESIGN SLAUGHTERHOUSES, YES, PITY.
MIND YOU, THIS IS A REAL BEAUT.
I MEAN, NONE OF YOUR BLOOD CAKED ON THE WALLS AND FLESH FLYING OU OF THE WINDOWS INCONVENIENCING PASSERSBY WITH THIS ONE.
I MEAN, MY LIFE HAS BEEN BUILDING UP TO THIS.
YES, AND WELL DONE.
BUT WE DID WAN A BLOCK OF FLATS.
WELL, MAY I ASK YOU TO RECONSIDER? I MEAN, YOU WOULDN'T REGRET IT.
THINK OF THE TOURIST TRADE.
NO, IT'S JUST THAT WE WANTED A BLOCK OF FLATS AND NOT AN ABATTOIR.
YES, WELL, OF COURSE, THAT'S JUST THE SOR OF BLINKERED PHILISTINE PIG IGNORANCE I'VE COME TO EXPEC FROM YOU NON-CREATIVE GARBAGE.
YOU SIT THERE ON YOUR LOATHSOME, SPOTTY BEHINDS SQUEEZING BLACKHEADS NOT CARING A TINKER'S CUSS ABOUT THE STRUGGLING ARTIST.
YOU EXCREMENT! YOU LOUSY, HYPOCRITICAL, WHINING TOADIES WITH YOUR LOUSY COLOR TV SETS AND YOUR TONY JACKLIN GOLF CLUBS AND YOUR BLEEDING MASONIC HANDSHAKES.
YOU WOULDN'T LET ME JOIN, WOULD YOU YOU BLACKBALLING BASTARDS! WELL, I WOULDN'T BECOME A FREEMASON NOW IF YOU WENT DOWN ON YOUR LOUSY, STINKING, PURULENT KNEES AND BEGGED ME! WELL, WE'RE SORRY YOU FEEL LIKE THA BUT WE DID WAN A BLOCK OF FLATS NICE THOUGH THE ABATTOIR IS.
OH (blows raspberry) THE ABATTOIR.
THAT'S NOT IMPORTANT.
BUT IF ONE OF YOU COULD PUT IN A WORD FOR ME I'D LOVE TO BE A FREEMASON.
FREEMASONRY OPENS DOORS.
I MEAN, I WAS I WAS A BI ON EDGE JUST NOW BUT IF I WAS A MASON I'D JUST SIT AT THE BACK AND NOT GET IN ANYONE'S WAY.
THANK YOU.
I'VE GO A SECONDHAND APRON.
THANK YOU.
I NEARLY GOT IN AT HENDON.
THANK YOU.
I'M SORRY ABOUT THAT, GENTLEMEN.
THE SECOND ARCHITECT IS A MR.
LEAVEY OF WYMIS AND DIBBLE.
GOOD MORNING, GENTLEMEN.
THIS IS A SCALE MODEL OF THE BLOCK.
THERE ARE 28 STORIES WITH 280 MODERN APARTMENTS.
THERE ARE THREE MAIN LIFTS AND TWO SERVICE LIFTS.
ACCESS WOULD BE FROM DIBBINGLEY ROAD.
(laughter) THE STRUCTURE IS BUIL ON A CENTRAL PILLAR SYSTEM WITH CANTILEVERED FLOORS IN PRE-STRESSED STEEL AND CONCRETE.
THE DIVIDING WALLS ON EACH FLOOR SECTION ARE FIXED WITH RECESSED MAGNALLIUM FLANGED GR (laughter) BY AVOIDING WOOD AND TIMBER DERIVATIVES AND ALL OTHER INFLAMMABLES WE'VE ALMOST TOTALLY REMOVED THE RISK OF (laughter) QUITE FRANKLY, I THINK THE CENTRAL PILLAR SYSTEM MAY NEED STRENGTHENING A BIT.
ISN'T THAT GOING TO PUT THE COST UP? IT MIGHT.
WELL, I DON'T KNOW WHETHER I'D WORRY ABOUT STRENGTHENING THAT MUCH.
AFTER ALL, THEY'RE NO MEANT TO BE LUXURY FLATS.
NO, I QUITE AGREE.
I MEAN, PROVIDED THE TENANTS ARE OF LIGHT BUILD AND RELATIVELY SEDENTARY AND GIVEN A SPO OF GOOD WEATHER I THINK WE'RE ONTO A WINNER HERE.
OH, THANK YOU.
(crack) QUITE AGREE, QUITE AGREE.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
THANK YOU.
IT OPENS DOORS, I'M TELLING YOU.
LET'S HAVE A LOOK AT THAT HANDSHAKE AGAIN IN SLOWMOTION.
(laughter) WHAT OTHER WAYS ARE THERE OF RECOGNIZING A MASON? (laughter) HAVING ONCE IDENTIFIED A MASON, IMMEDIATE STEPS MUST BE TAKEN TO ISOLATE HIM FROM THE GENERAL PUBLIC.
HAVING ACCOMPLISHED THA IT IS NOW POSSIBLE TO CURE HIM OF THESE UNFORTUNATE MASONIC TENDENCIES THROUGH THE USE OF BEHAVIORAL PSYCHOTHERAPY.
IN THIS TREATMEN THE PATIENT IS REWARDED FOR THE CORRECT RESPONSE AND PUNISHED FOR THE WRONG ONE.
LET US BEGIN.
WOULD YOU LIKE TO GIVE UP BEING A MASON? THINK CAREFULLY.
THINK.
THINK.
NO.
NO?! THAT'S WRONG! WRONG! WRONG! WRONG! WRONG! NO! NO! BAD! BAD DOG! BAD! THE BBC WOULD LIKE TO APOLOGIZE FOR THE FOLLOWING ANNOUNCEMENT.
(Gumbys moaning) (in unison): OH! AND THE NEXT ITEM IS A SKETCH ABOUT INSURANCE CALLED "INSURANCE SKETCH.
" INSURANCE SKETCH! INSURANCE SKETCH! WHAT DO YOU WANT? WELL, I'VE COME ABOUT YOUR SPECIAL, FULLY COMPREHENSIVE MOTOR INSURANCE POLICY OFFER.
WHAT WAS THAT? FULLY COMPREHENSIVE MOTOR INSURANCE FOR ONE AND EIGHT PENCE.
OH! OH, YEAH.
YEAH.
WELL, UNFORTUNATELY, GUV THAT OFFER'S NO LONGER VALID.
YOU SEE, IT TURNED OU NOT TO BE ECONOMICALLY VIABLE SO WE NOW HAVE A TOTALLY NEW OFFER.
WHAT'S THAT? A NUDE LADY.
NUDE LADY? YES, YOU GET A NUDE LADY WITH A FULLY COMPREHENSIVE MOTOR INSURANCE.
IF YOU JUST WANT THIRD PARTY, SHE HAS TO KEEP HER BRA ON AND IF IT'S JUST THEFT NO, NO, I DON'T REALLY WAN THAT, MISTER MISTER DEVIOUS.
MR.
DEVIOUS, I JUST WANT TO KNOW WHAT IT WOULD COST ME TO HAVE A FULLY COMPREHENSIVE INSURANCE ON A 1970 ASTON MARTIN.
ASTON MARTIN? YEAH.
500 QUID.
500 QUID? 40 QUID.
40 QUID? 40 QUID AND A NUDE LADY.
NO, NO, I'M NOT INTERESTED IN A NUDE LADY.
DIRTY BOOKS? NO, NO, NO, LOOK, I'M NO INTERESTED IN ANY OF THAT.
I JUST WANT TO KNOW WHAT IT WOULD COST ME TO HAVE A FULLY COMPREHENSIVE INSURANCE ON A 1970 ASTON MARTIN.
CAN YOU PLEASE QUOTE ME YOUR PRICE? KNOCK, KNOCK.
WHO'S THERE? THE REVEREND.
THE REVEREND WHO? THE REVEREND MORRISON.
OH, COME IN.
NOW, THEN, VIC, WHAT'S THE TROUBLE? WELL, IT'S ABOUT THIS LETTER YOU SENT ME.
EXCUSE ME.
DO I HAVE ANY MORE LINES? I DON'T KNOW, MUSH.
I'LL HAVE A LOOK IN THE SCRIPT.
WHERE ARE WE? SHOW EIGHT.
ARE YOU "MAN"? YEAH MAN.
NO NO, YOU'VE FINISHED.
WELL, I'LL BE OFF, THEN.
RIGHT.
(laughter) "THE VICAR SITS.
" IT'S ABOUT THIS LETTER YOU SENT ME REGARDING MY INSURANCE CLAIM.
OH, YEAH.
YEAH, WELL, YOU SEE IT'S JUST THAT WE'RE NOT AS YE TOTALLY SATISFIED WITH THE GROUNDS OF YOUR CLAIM.
BUT IT SAYS SOMETHING ABOU FILLING MY MOUTH IN WITH CEMENT.
OH, WELL, THAT'S JUS INSURANCE JARGON, YOU KNOW.
MY CAR WAS HI BY A LORRY WHILE STANDING IN THE GARAGE AND YOU REFUSE TO PAY MY CLAIM.
OH, WELL, REVEREND MORRISON IN YOUR POLICY IN YOUR POLICY HERE WE ARE.
IT STATES QUITE CLEARLY THAT NO CLAIM YOU MAKE WILL BE PAID.
(laughter) OH, DEAR.
YOU SEE YOU UNFORTUNATELY PLUMPED FOR OUR "NEVERPAY" POLICY WHICH, YOU KNOW, IF YOU NEVER CLAIM, IS VERY WORTHWHILE BUT YOU HAD TO CLAIM, AND, WELL, THERE IT IS.
OH, DEAR, OH, DEAR.
STILL, NEVER MIND, COULD BE WORSE.
HOW'S THE NUDE LADY? OH, SHE'S FINE.
(sobbing) LOOK, REV, I HATE TO SEE A MAN CRY SO SHOVE OFF, OUT THE OFFICE, THAT'S A GOOD CHAP.
(laughter) OKAY, DEVIOUS! DON'T MOVE.
THE BISHOP! (crime-series-type music plays) (laughter) (choir singing) (engine roaring) (laughter) I TAKE AS MY TEXT FOR TODAY THE TEXT, VIC! DON'T SAY THE TEXT! LEVITICUS 3-14.
(explosion) (congregation squeals) WE WAS TOO LATE.
THE REVEREND GRUNDY BI THE CEILING.
(buzzing) HELLO? WHAT? WE'LL BE RIGHT OVER.
(bells tolling) (organ playing hymn) AND IT IS FOR THIS REASON THAT THE CHRISTIAN CHURCH LAYS UPON YOU, THE GODPARENTS (ticking) THE OBLIGATION OF SEEING THIS CHILD IS BROUGHT UP IN THE CHRISTIAN FAITH.
THEREFORE, I NAME THIS CHILD DON'T SAY THE KID'S NAME, VIC! FRANCESCO LUIGI (explosion) WE WAS TOO LATE.
THE REVEREND NEUK SAW THE LIGHT.
THE RING, VIC DON'T TOUCH THE RING! (laughter) (bell tolling) (bell tolls, man chokes) HEY, VIC (snaps) DEARLY DEPARTED, DUST TO DUST, ASHES TO ASHES.
(creaking) (gulps) (cannon booms) (brakes screech) ("Peter Gunn Theme" plays) (laughter) Reverend Morrison: HELP, HELP! HELP, HELP! HELP, HELP! HELP, HELP! COME ON.
(laughter) OKAY, DEVIOUS, DON'T MOVE! THE BISHOP! (crime-series-type music plays) (laughter) THIS IS WHERE WE CAME IN.
YEAH.
OH, IT'S NICE TO BE HOME.
(laughter) BUILDERS HAVEN' BEEN, THEN.
NO.
THESE TWO OLD PEOPLE ARE TYPICAL OF THE HOUSING PROBLEM FACING BRITAIN'S AGED.
HERE! DON' YOU START DOING A DOCUMENTARY ON US, YOUNG MAN.
OH, PLEASE.
NO, LEAVE US ALONE.
OH, JUST A LITTLE ONE ABOUT THE APPALLING CONDITIONS UNDER WHICH YOU LIVE? NO, GET OU OF OUR HOUSE! GO ON.
Man: COME ON, GEORGE, PICK IT UP.
WHY DON'T YOU DO A DOCUMENTARY 'BOUT THE DRUG PROBLEM ROUND IN WALTON STREET? (laughter) OH, I'LL GO AND HAVE A BATH.
(declaiming): THE SPLENDOR FALLS ON CASTLE WALLS AND SNOWY SUMMITS OLD IN STORY HERE! THERE'S ALFRED LORD TENNYSON IN THE BATHROOM! WELL, AT LEAST THE POET'S BEEN INSTALLED, THEN.
YES, A POET IS ESSENTIAL FOR COMPLETE HOME COMFOR AND ALL-YEAR-ROUND RELIABILITY AT LOW COST.
WE IN THE EAST MIDLANDS POET BOARD HOPE TO HAVE A POET IN EVERY HOME BY THE END OF NEXT YEAR.
POETS ARE BOTH CLEAN AND WARM AND MOST ARE FAR ABOVE THE NORM WHETHER HERE OR ON THE ROAM HAVE A POET IN EVERY HOME! Man (intoning): I WANDERED LONELY AS A CLOUD (doorbell rings) THAT FLOATS ON HIGH OR VALE GOOD MORNING, MADAM.
I'VE COME TO READ YOUR POET.
OH, YES, IT'S IN THE CUPBOARD UNDER THE STAIRS.
(coughs) WHAT IS IT A SWINBURNE? SHELLEY? NO, IT'S A WORDSWORTH.
OH, BLOODY DAFFODILS.
Wordsworth: BENEATH THE TREES FLUTTERING AND DANCING IN THE BREEZE CONTINUOUS AS THE STARS THAT SHINE AND TWINKLE ON THE MILKY WAY (coughing): RIGHT, THANK YOU, MADAM.
OH, NOT AT ALL.
THANK YOU.
(grunts) IT'S A NICE DAY, ISN'T IT? YES, YES, THE WEATHER SITUATION IS GENERALLY FAVORABLE.
THERE'S A RIDGE OF HIGH PRESSURE CENTERED OVER IRELAND WHICH IS MOVING STEADILY EASTWARDS BRINGING CLOUDY WEATHER TO PARTS OF THE WEST COUNTRY, WALES AND AREAS WES OF THE PENNINES.
ON TOMORROW'S CHART (loud laughter) THE SITUATION'S MUCH THE SAME.
WITH THIS OCCLUDED FRON BRINGING DRIER, WARMER WEATHER TEMPERATURES ABOUT AVERAGE FOR THE TIME OF YEAR.
THAT'S THREE DEGREES CENTIGRADE, 44 DEGREES FAHRENHEI SO DON'T FORGET TO WRAP UP WELL.
THAT'S ALL FROM ME.
GOOD NIGHT.
NOW ON BBC TELEVISION, A CHOICE OF VIEWING.
ON BBC 2, A DISCUSSION ON CENSORSHIP BETWEEN DEREK HART, THE BISHOP OF WOOLWICH AND A NUDE MAN.
AND ON BBC 1, ME TELLING YOU THIS.
AND NOW Woman: WE DON'T WANT THAT, DO WE? DO YOU REALLY WAN THAT CHERRY IN YOUR TEA? DO YOU LIKE DOING THIS JOB? WELL, IT'S A LIVING, ISN'T IT? I MEAN, DON' YOU GET BORED READING PEOPLE'S POETS ALL DAY? WELL YOU KNOW SOMETIMES, YEAH.
ANYWAY, I THINK I'LL BETTER BE GOING.
YOU'VE GOT A NICE TORCH, HAVEN'T YOU? (laughter) UH, YEAH, YEAH.
IT'S A I GOES, UH, ON AND OFF.
HOW MANY VOLTS IS IT? OH, UH WELL, I'LL HAVE A LOOK AT THE BATTERIES.
OH, YES, YES.
IT'S, UH 4½ VOLTS.
MMM, THAT'S WONDERFUL.
DO YOU WANT ANOTHER LOOK AT THE POET? NO, NO, I MUS BE OFF, REALLY.
I'VE GOT THOMAS HARDY IN THE BEDROOM.
I'D LIKE YOU TO LOOK AT HIM.
OH, WELL, I CAN'T TOUCH HIM; HE'S A NOVELIST.
OH, HE KEEPS MUMBLING ALL NIGHT.
AH, WELL, NOVELISTS DO, YOU SEE.
OH, FORGET HIM! WHAT'S YOUR NAME, DEARY? HARNESS.
NO, NO YOUR FIRST NAME, SILLY.
WOMBAT.
OH, WOMBAT! WOMBAT HARNESS! TAKE ME TO THE PLACE WHERE ETERNITY KNOWS NO BOUNDS WHERE THE GARDEN OF LOVE ENCLOSES US ROUND.
OH, HARNESS ALL RIGHT, I'LL HAVE A QUICK LOOK AT YOUR THOMAS HARDY.
NUDE MAN, WHAT DID YOU MAKE OF THAT? WELL, DON'T YOU SEE THAT WAS EXACTLY THE KIND OF EXPLICIT SEXUAL REFERENCE I'M OBJECTING TO.
IT IS TITILLATION FOR THE SAKE OF I A DELIBERATE ATTEMP AT CHEAP SENSATIONALISM.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE SO-CALLED AVANT-GARDE, LEFT-WING INTELLECTUAL NAMBY-PAMBIES SAY.
IT IS FILTH! BISHOP.
OKAY, DON'T ANYBODY MOVE! (crime-series-type music plays) THE BBC WOULD LIKE TO APOLOGIZE FOR THE CONSTAN REPETITION IN THIS SHOW.
THE BBC WOULD LIKE TO APOLOGIZE FOR THE CONSTAN REPETITION IN THIS SHOW.
Man: WHEE, WHOOPS! Man 2: OH, WHOOPS-A-DAISY! (men whooping) (sproinging) (laughter) (whimpers) (thumping) (gruffly): SHUT UP, ALL OF YOU UP THERE.
WHAT? CAN'T A GUY GE SOME SLEEP AROUND HERE? A LITTLE PEACE AND QUIET'S ALL I WANT.
SHUT UP RIGHT NOW OR I'M COMING UP.
(chicken clucking) I HOPE YOU'RE EN JOY ING THIS! Dispatcher: ATTENTION.
THERE'S BEEN A NASTY FIVE-FROG CURSE NEAR THE M4.
PROCEED IMMEDIATELY TO THE AREA.
(siren wails, frogs croak) Man: OH, DEAR.
Man 2: LOOKS BAD.
Man 3: MMM, VERY BAD.
Man 4: QUITE AGREED.
Man 1: ONLY WAY THING TO DO WITH A MULTIPLE FROG CURSE LIKE THIS.
Man 4: RIGHTO, GET THE MAGIC WAND.
Man 3: CLEAR THE AREA.
FIRE! (explosion) (in loud, slow unison): THANK YOU! AND NOW A SKETCH ABOUT A CHEMIS CALLED "THE CHEMIST SKETCH"! RIGHT, I'VE GOT SOME OF YOUR PRESCRIPTIONS HERE.
UH, WHO'S GOT THE POX? (laughter) COME ON, WHO'S GOT THE POX? COME ON! COME (laughter) CATCH.
WHO'S GOT A BOIL ON THE BUM? BOIL ON THE BOTTY.
WHO'S GOT THE CHEST RASH? HAVE TO GET A BIGGER BOTTLE.
(laughter) WHO'S GOT WHO'S GOT WIND? CATCH.
THE BBC WOULD LIKE TO APOLOGIZE FOR THE POOR QUALITY OF THE WRITING IN THAT SKETCH.
IT IS NOT BBC POLICY TO GET EASY LAUGHS WITH WORDS LIKE "BUM," "KNICKERS," "BOTTY" OR "WEE-WEES"SHH! (laughter) THESE ARE THE WORDS WHICH ARE NOT TO BE USED AGAIN ON THIS PROGRAM.
(light laughter) (laughter) SEMPRINI!? OUT! RIGHT, WHO'S GOT A BOIL ON HIS SEMPRINI, THEN? (laughter) GOOD MORNING.
GOOD MORNING, SIR.
GOOD MORNING, I'D LIKE SOME AFTERSHAVE, PLEASE.
CERTAINLY, SIR, WALK THIS WAY, PLEASE.
IF I COULD WALK THAT WAY I WOULDN'T NEED AFTERSHAVE.
(laughter) GOOD MORNING.
GOOD MORNING, SIR.
CAN I HELP YOU? YES, I'D LIKE SOME AFTERSHAVE.
AH, A TOILE REQUISIT-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T.
WOULD YOU LIKE TO TRY THIS, SIR? IT'S OUR VERY LATEST.
IT'S CALLED "SEA MIST.
" (dubiously): MMM, I QUITE LIKE IT.
HOW ABOUT SOMETHING A LITTLE MORE MUSKY? THIS ONE'S CALLED "MIMMO.
" MMM, NOT REALLY, NO.
HAVE YOU ANYTHING A LITTLE FISHIER? FISHIER? FISHIER.
FISH, FISH, FISH.
A FISHY REQUISIT-T-T-T-T-T-T-T.
LIKE HALIBUT OR SEA BASS.
OR BREAM? YES.
NO, WE HAVEN' GOT ANY OF THAT.
UH, I'VE GOT MACKEREL OR COD OR HAKE.
YOU HAVEN' GOT ANYTHING A LITTLE MORE HALIBUTISH? UH PARROT? (laughter) WHAT'S THA DOING THERE? OR SKATE WITH JUS A HINT OF PRAWN.
OR CRAB, TIGER AND ALMONDS VERY UNUSUAL.
I REALLY HAD MY HEAR SET ON HALIBUT.
WELL, SIR, WE HAD A FISHY CONSIGNMENT IN THIS MORNING SO I COULD NIP DOWN TO THE BASEMEN AND SEE IF I CAN COME UP TRUMPS WITH THIS PARTICULAR REQUISIT-T-T-T-T-T-T-T.
SO IT WAS HALIBUT OR? SEA BASS.
SEA BASS! WON'T BE A MOMENT-T-T-T-T-T.
SORRY ABOUT THIS.
(hums) NORMALLY WE TRY AND AVOID THESE LITTLE PAUSES "LONGEURS" ONLY DRAMATICALLY HE'S GONE DOWN TO THE BASEMENT, YOU SEE.
COURSE, THERE ISN' REALLY A BASEMENT.
BUT HE JUST GOES OFF AND WE PRETEND.
(laughter) ACTUALLY WHAT HAPPENS IS HE JUST GOES OFF THERE OFF-CAMERA AND JUST WAITS THERE SO IT LOOKS AS THOUGH HE'S GONE DOWN TO THE BASEMENT.
(laughter) ACTUALLY I THINK HE'S RATHER OVERDOING IT.
AH! (laughter) (panting) AH, SORRY, SIR.
A LOT OF STEPS.
WELL, I'M AFRAID IT DIDN' COME IN THIS MORNING, SIR BUT WE HAVE GOT SOME DOWN AT OUR KENSINGTON BRANCH.
I'LL JUST NIP DOWN THERE AND GET IT FOR YOU.
HOW LONG WILL THAT BE? TWENTY MINUTES.
TWENTY MINUTES!? (hums) PSST! OH, I WONDER WHAT OTHER PEOPLE USE FOR AFTERSHAVE LOTION.
(loudly): I USE A BODY RUB CALLED "HALITOSIS"! IT MAKES MY BREATH SEEM SWEET! I USE AN AFTERSHAVE CALLED "SEMPRINI"! (laughter) UH, SORRY, SORRY, CAN'T STOP NOW.
I'VE GOT TO GET TO KENSINGTON.
I USE TWO KINDS OF AFTERSHAVE LOTION: FRANKINCENSE, MYRRH THREE KINDS OF AFTERSHAVE LOTION: FRANKINCENSE, MYRRH, SAN FOUR KINDS OF AFTERSHAVE LOTION: FRANKINCENSE I HAVE A COLD SHOWER EVERY MORNING JUST BEFORE I GO MAD AND THEN I GO MAD ONE, MAD TWO, MAD THREE, MAD FOUR I USE RANCID POLECAT NUMBER TWO.
IT KEEPS MY SKIN NICE AND SCALY.
UH, SORRY AGAIN.
CAN'T STOP.
GOT TO GET BACK.
(laughter) (panting): WHOO! WELL, I'M AFRAID THEY DON'T HAVE ANY IN OUR KENSINGTON BRANCH BUT WE HAVE GOT SOME DOWN IN THE DEPOT.
WHERE'S THAT? ABERDEEN.
ABERDEEN!? IT'S ALL RIGHT; YOU WAIT HERE.
I'VE GOT A CAR.
NO, NO, NO, I'LL TAKE THE OTHER THE CRAB, TIGER AND ALMOND REQUISIT-T-T-T-T-T? I'LL TAKE IT.
(humming) (laughter) (whistles loudly) RIGHT! RIGHT! RIGHT! NOW, THEN, NOW, THEN! YOUR TURN.
AREN'T YOU GOING TO SAY "WHAT'S ALL THIS, THEN?" OH, RIGHT WHAT'S ALL THIS, THEN? THIS MAN HAS BEEN SHOPLIFTING, OFFICER.
OH, YES? YES.
ARE YOU TRYING TO TELL ME MY JOB? UH, NO, BUT HE'S BEEN SHOPLIFTING.
LOOK, I MUST WARN YOU THAT ANYTHING YOU MAY SAY WILL BE IGNORED.
AND FURTHERMORE, GIVEN HALF A CHANCE I'LL PUT MY FIST THROUGH YOUR TEETH F'TANG! F'TANG! BUT OFFICER, THIS MAN HERE LOOK, I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU.
YOU'RE UNDER ARREST.
(imitates airplane zooming and firing) OFFICER, IT WASN'T HIM; HE'S THE SHOPLIFTER.
NO, I'M NOT.
HE'S NOT; I'M A WITNESS.
LOOK, ONE MORE PEEP OUT OF YOU AND I'LL DO YOU FOR HERESY.
HERESY!? BLIMEY, I DIDN'T EXPEC THE SPANISH INQUISITION.
SHUT UP! F'TANG, F'TANG! OOH, THAT'S NICE.
RIGHT! I'M TAKING YOU ALONG TO THE STATION.
WHAT FOR? I'M CHARGING YOU WITH ILLEGAL POSSESSION OF WHATEVER WE HAPPEN TO HAVE DOWN THERE RIGHT! LUNAR MODULE CALLING BUZZ ALDRIN.
COME IN.
(imitates plane) RAINDROPS KEEP FALLING ON MY HEAD BUT THAT DOESN' MEAN THAT THE BBC WOULD LIKE TO APOLOGIZE TO THE POLICE ABOUT THE CHARACTER OF POLICE CONSTABLE PAN AM.
HE WAS NOT MEANT TO REPRESEN THE A VERAGE POLICE OFFICER.
SIMILARLY, THE REFERENCE TO BUZZ ALDRIN, THE ASTRONAU WAS THE PRODUC OF A DISORDERED MIND AND SHOULD NOT BE CONSTRUED AS HAVING ANY OTHER SIGNIFICANCE.
("Star Spangled Banner" plays) (in slow, loud unison): AND NOW FOR SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT! (tittering) (audience laughter) OH! THAT WAS FUN! AND NOW (not in unison): THE END! THE END!