Motherland (2016) s02e04 Episode Script

Wait for me.
- What's your excuse for being late? - Oh, God, I forgot.
- You? - Planning meeting overran for the Dublin 2032 Olympic bid.
Whoa.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
- Do I smell of wine? - No.
Do I? - No.
So, as I say, forgive me if I'm moving too fast.
- You've got the bullet points up here.
- Budge up.
All the information you need can be found online.
Have I missed anything? What? Kidnapping.
Self-harm.
Abduction.
Rape.
Incest.
Molestation.
Torture.
Murder.
We, as guardians, strive to protect our children as best we can, and yet these dangers are only ever a click away.
Hands up who has a home computer or personal device.
Good.
Now, which of you, with your hands up, has at some point viewed adult material on your device.
Parental locks or not, kids are tech savvy.
I can guarantee that every one of your kids will have been exposed to hardcore pornography.
Jesus Christ.
Ah, apologies.
Crossed wires.
I didn't realise that this is a primary school.
The actual figure among this age group is much, much lower.
Moving on.
Let's talk about where and how your child can purchase Class A drugs.
- Are you trick or treating later? - Oh, yeah.
God, I love celebrating all the American traditions.
Hosting Thanksgiving this year.
I might throw a Super Bowl party.
Is that a no, then? Yes, it's a no, Liz.
I hate Halloween.
Isn't Kevin giving a party? I'll drop my kids off there.
- Oi-oi, hags.
- All right? - Oh, there she is, in all her glory.
Hey, maybe I should dress up as her tonight.
Scare the shit out of all the parents.
God, Lamb, she's really got it in for me.
Did you see her eyeballing me during that safety chat last night? Especially round that bit leaving kids in cars.
Is that cos you leave your kids in cars? No, I don't leave them in cars! God, no, yeah, if I'm getting the petrol or I'm popping into the chemist or, I don't know, paying a cheque - into the bank or something.
- Who pays you in cheques, babes? - Martin Chuzzlewit? - Oh, for God's sake.
All this bloody helicopter parenting.
They need to learn some independence.
Break Break free.
Party.
We need to get our independence back.
Got to start weaning ourselves off them, too.
I just tag my kids with a key ring that bleeps when I clap.
That's what I like about you, Liz.
You're just the right side of give-a-fuck.
When I was a kid, we used to roam round the streets all the time.
You know, a stranger offered me a sweet once.
- You know what I did? - What? - I took it, Liz.
I took it and I ate it.
Bet Kev's been offered sweets before.
Oi, Kev.
- Do you want to come and see some puppies later? - Oh, yes, please.
I've gotta get off to work now, but, er, maybe later.
- What's up with your eyes? - Oh.
Oh, yes, my eyes.
Um, we're not having a party this year, so we had a spooky brekkie this morning instead.
I can't I can't actually get these out, though.
I love it.
It's like a zombie Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall.
God, he gives me the horn.
- Er, no.
- You're not .
.
having a Halloween party, Kevin? Oh, no.
Flipping work means there's no time to prep.
Oh, but you're the king of Halloween.
He won best Halloween house last year.
He had gravestones for him and the kids in his front garden.
Er, that that was Jill's idea.
- Hey, Meg, I bet you give good Halloween, yeah? - Oh, no, mate.
I've got the night off.
Bill's taking the kids to his mum's.
I know, right? She must be about 103.
Happy Halloween.
Right, er, see you later for trick or treating? Kevin, are you sure you're not going to have a Halloween party? I mean, the kids really love it.
But All Hallows E'en takes such planning.
You've got to hire a smoke machine, fill the toilet cisterns full of fake blood, inflate the zombie army, nail witches to the roof.
No, just spray some cobwebs and get a bag of apples or something.
Yeah, well, I I guess I could scale it back a bit.
Dust off last year's decs.
- Oh, why not? - Yay! - You only live once.
So I'll drop the kids off about 4:30, yeah? - Er, um, 5:30? - Yeah, let's split the diff, 4:45.
- Now, for catering purposes, I won't stay.
- I'm so late, I'm sorry.
I've got to go, got to go.
See ya.
Did you make Kevin have a party so you can dump your kids on him? Liz! Yeah.
Opening late.
Late opening, tonight.
Opening late.
Yeah.
Late opening.
That's a creepy smile.
Got another date with Rav.
Ooh, the Rav who you met on Monday? Yeah.
We made a date when we were on our date.
- Oh, that's promising, babe.
- Yeah.
You know when you just know? I feel like I can be myself.
But, like, the best part of myself.
Oh, hey! Guess who Amanda saw jogging past this morning? That dishy nurse from Holby City.
Your man with the curly top.
- Very handsome.
- What? Lee Mead? - Yeah! Seriously? Lofty from Holby? Lofty? Lee Mead? Lofty from Holby? Are you kidding? Lee Mead?! You better not be shitting me, Anne.
Excuse me, who? - You haven't You don't watch Holby? - No.
He's Joseph of the Technicolour Dreamcoat.
- Oh, Jason Donovan? - No, Lee Mead.
- No, Lee Mead.
Not really who I usually go for, but he is a hottie fo' sho'.
Holby, Liz! Am I the only person who hasn't watched bloody Holby? Yes, you, the Amish and anyone in a coma.
It's actually great for the area.
When, um, Paul Hollywood moved to Willow Crescent, - house prices went up 20 thou.
- I've heard of him.
Don't trust him.
I bet Lee Mead's bought that house at the end of Ranulph Road.
- They've been doing it up for ages.
- Which one, Anne? It's got security gates and a stained-glass window.
Yeah, that'd make a lot of sense that he'd move to Acton cos then he's just up the road to Borehamwood where they film Holby.
- Plus he's got family out Oxford way.
- Do you work for GCHQ? God, listen to you with all the intel.
Someone's got a crush.
No, Amanda, I just appreciate talent.
- I'm pretty sure he's single.
- Er, you're not, Anne.
- But you are.
- Oh, stop.
Like he'd give this little old mum a second look.
Oh, right, yeah.
Er, no, sure, God, why wouldn't he, um? You're very well groomed and you've got lovely teeth.
I'm not a horse, Anne.
I saw Tim Henman in Carluccio's once.
Yeah, I sent a chocolate torte over to his table.
I was going to ask for a selfie but then, um, I got all sweaty and I I I backed out.
- Hey, Siri.
- Yes? Where does Lee Mead live? There's no-one in your contacts matching Liam Eve.
No, no, I want to know where Lee Mead lives.
Here's what I found on the web for "I want to know early made lives.
" - No, no, I want to see Lee Mead.
- I'm not sure I understand.
OK, forget it.
Ranulph Road, yes! [.
.
get me another beer and we'll say no more about it.
.]
- You've forgotten, haven't you? - What? No.
What? - Halloween! - That's not tonight.
- Yes, it is.
- No, no, I'm pretty sure that's tomorrow.
Oh, oh, right.
Oh, great.
Yeah, we've got it wrong.
We've all got the date wrong except Lee.
It's tomorrow.
No wonder you never remembered our anniversary.
I've got plans, so you better get trick or bloody treating.
- What was that? - It's supposed to be a horrific scream but the batteries must have gone flat.
I'll change them.
- In you go.
- The guys are upstairs.
You look nice.
- Thanks.
What are you? A vivisection rabbit? Those lenses are good.
They're They're just my eyes.
I peeled the lenses out.
Oh, this is last year's White Rabbit but I can't find the furry shorts.
I think Jill used them to line the cat basket.
These are my pirate pants.
Still works though, I think.
I thought you were just dropping off? No, no, I thought I'd give it a go this year.
You know, knock on a few doors.
Maybe check out Ranulph Road.
- It smells of damp, Kevin.
- Oh, yeah, sorry.
The bats went a bit mouldy in the cellar.
There we go.
Happy Halloween! Ooh, someone's all dolled up for your man from Holby.
No, Anne, I was always coming as a slutty nurse.
And it's Holby City.
Manus! Anne's come to take you trick or treating.
Georgie's at Sophia's, so it's just Manus.
Jesus.
Look at you! Um, will Manus want any of Darius' carob treats? I give them out to other people to give to him - so he doesn't feel left out.
- Oh, is Darius allergic? Probably.
It's just not worth taking the risk to find out.
Manus, would you like one of Anne's carobby blobs? No.
No, thank you, Anne.
Here you go, Manus.
Oh, I know.
Not exactly the image I want for my store.
Sure, I'd dress like a cat if I had that figure.
What are you supposed to be? Pea pod! Me and Darius, we're two peas in a pod.
Well, Anne, you look like a massive green vagina.
Oh, shit! Oh, no! - I've burnt the lot! - It's fine.
We can buy something when we're out on the street.
Let's just go, Kevin.
These are my signature treats! My short-deads.
I'll do another batch.
I've got to change those batteries.
Oh, hi, Liz.
You look lovely.
You look like an albino Ronald McDonald.
Oh, sorry to do this to you, Kev, but Lee's forgotten Halloween.
- Do you mind? - No, no, of course not.
Upstairs, boys.
How can he forget All Hallows E'en? It's every year.
- Stinks in here.
- I know.
I just burnt my skulls.
Oh-ho-ho! What's this? Sexy witch? No, no, it's nothing.
I just thought I'd see what - all this Halloween fuss is about.
- Nice pumpkins.
- Thanks.
Is that Trump? Trumpkin? It's brilliant, Kevin.
No, no, not Not brilliant, not brilliant.
It's supposed to be Justin Bieber.
Don't worry.
No-one's judging you, love.
Apart from the judges of the best Halloween house competition.
God, God! It's not going well at all this year.
I shouldn't have gone on half-cocked.
I can't treat without treats.
We haven't even got any tea lights for the pumpkins.
Jill used them all in her bath last night and they burnt to nothing! - Nothing! - Kev! Focus.
You can do this.
Kids don't care! Don't worry about your biscuits.
Hand out individual Maltesers, if need be.
Right, I'm off to get some tongue.
See you later.
Oh, you .
.
knob-end! - Oh! - Oh! So sorry! I'm sorry.
- Shit! - Er, are you OK? - Ah, great! Nice one, mate! I'm such a dick.
Did Did I burn you? I've got I've got some napkins.
- Shall I? - Get off.
- Do you want some money for dry cleaning? - No, it's only Primark.
- Come on, kids.
Trick or treating! - Whoa, whoa, wait, I just need - ten more mins to do some finishing touches.
- Kevin, why don't you stay - here and get back on track and I'll take them out? - Really? No, I just don't think your adult-to-child ratio is safe.
Kevin, chill out, mate.
It's gonna be fine.
What doesn't kill 'em makes 'em stronger.
Come on, guys! - Not if they fall under a bus, Julia.
- I'll go with her.
- What happened to your jacket? - What happened to your date? He's back with his ex.
- You only saw him two days ago.
- I know.
Shaved my bloody toes for him.
Ooh, Liz.
Can we do anything? Want me to send Kevin round dressed like that to duff him up? I hate this feeling.
I'm done with men.
As God is my witness, I will never bother with men again.
- Oh, babe.
- Don't touch me.
- OK.
Right, let's go! No, no, no, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Kids, kids, huddle in, huddle in.
Remember, think like a paedophile.
Stick together and don't accept sweets from strangers.
Except the ones whose doors you're knocking on.
OK, be safe out there.
OK, let's move.
Move out, move out, let's go, let's go! Right, we have bled these streets dry.
Let's head up to Ranulph Road.
Oh, that's miles away.
And it's uphill.
- I'm not trudging up there.
- Where's your sense of adventure, Liz? This isn't supposed to be a Duke of Edinburgh hike.
Oh! I bought these stupid knickers for my date and they keep disappearing up my crack.
Come on, it'll be fun.
You know, think about all those sexy house CLASSY houses.
Come on.
No, Lime Avenue's the best street for treats.
- Last year, someone gave out Ferrero Rochers.
- OK, fine.
Fine, fine, fine.
But, after that, we are definitely going to Ranulph Road, OK? Yes, yes.
OK, right.
I'll go first.
You stay close, and don't make eye contact.
- Hi.
Can I see some ID, please? - Sorry? Driver's license, passport, preferably something with a photograph.
- Trick or treat! - Holy mother, you gave me a fright.
You know you're supposed to dress up for Halloween, Anne.
I did, I'm a pea pod.
Look, peas.
- Oh, that's very satisfying.
- It's quite sweaty.
Can you stop touching my peas, please? Darius, no! Would you mind giving him these, please? Thanks.
Thank you.
Hold on, Manus.
OK, damaged packaging.
No.
Nothing home-made, could be poisoned.
- Who'd want to poison a bunch of kids, Anne? - Child molesters.
I wouldn't mind getting poisoned.
Go into hospital for while, have a bit of a rest.
Anne, it's the one time of the year when the kids can just, you know, - binge, go feral.
That's why they love it.
- Where's Charlie? - Oh, God, Oh, God, Oh, God.
- It's all right, he's got his fob on.
There you are.
Don't chug 'em all, mate, you'll get diabetes.
Come on.
[Trick or treat!.]
Change those batteries.
Coming, hold on! No, guys.
Whoa, whoa, guys! Just One each.
Only one each, please! Leave some Leave some for the other Enough! Stop that, stop that! Guys! Guys! Guys! Honestly! [Trick or treat!.]
Trick or treat.
I'm afraid I've just been cleaned out.
Oh, I've got some short-deads in the oven.
That'll be another 16 mins, give or take.
Er, well, we were really here to see the decorations.
- Didn't you win best-dressed house last year? - Yes, yes.
But it It was a good six weeks in the planning though, and this year, it hasn't been possible cos, you know, personal stuff.
My wife wanted me to go back to work and, yeah, that's a longer story.
Oh, oh, did you hear the bell? I I just need to change those batteries.
Come on, love.
OK, guys, guys.
OK, hang on, hang on, headcount, please.
One, two, three, four, five.
Leave it, Anne, we're nearly at Ranulph Road.
I'm just being vigilant! You know what they say -- you're never more than a metre away from a pervert.
Takes one to know one.
Trick or treat! Trick or treat! - Granny! - Granny! - Mum? Hello! How lovely! Happy Halloween! Don't "Happy Halloween" me, you're supposed to be in Leatherhead! - No, kids, don't take those sweets.
- Oh, I'm house sitting for Gloria - while she's having her hip replaced.
- Oh, whoop-de-doo for you.
- I texted.
I was hoping to call in tomorrow.
- Oh! Yeah, no No, text.
Maybe it didn't send or or maybe you didn't write it.
- What time tomorrow? - Well, I've seen you now, so Unbelievable.
- Goodbye, Julia.
- Unbelievable.
Bye, Marion.
Oh, I feel sick.
OK, our guys, gather round, headcount.
One, two, three, four, - five, six - Anne, we know how many children we have! - Can we just get on?! - We should turn back.
- No! - It's starting to get a bit spicy.
I just saw a grown-up Hannibal Lecter and two Driller Killers.
Oi-oi.
Waitress in a coffin! I am a nurse! Idiots.
- Hey, you left your stethoscope in the toilet.
- Oh, thank you.
Er, excuse me! Not you, waitress.
The cat.
Hey, #MeToo, time's up.
Go and put a jumper on, Rose.
So, what's the trick? Does anybody ever trick? I've heard people pour petrol through your letterbox - and set a fire.
- That's arson, Anne.
Kids, a headcount, please.
- Come on.
One, two, three - Right, whoa, whoa, whoa, that's it.
- What are you doing? - Oh, kids need their freedom, Anne, that's how they learn responsibility.
You need to chill out.
They're feeding off your nerves, love.
Manus, you'll trip on your costume.
Just wait, wait, wait, wait.
Oh, my God, Oh, my God.
Look! This is the house, this is the house with the pillars! Oh, I get it.
This is about that bloke off Casualty, isn't it? What? Holby, but, yeah, he did start in Casualty first.
- No, no, no, no.
- What do you think's going to happen? He's going to take one look and fall in love with you? Whisk you off to the TV Quick Awards? Life doesn't work like that, Julia.
Anne, do you think this is the one? Is that the same one? Oh, yeah, yeah, they're definitely the same pillars.
Yeah.
Do you think we should trick or treat him? Has he got a pumpkin out? - I can't see one, but, um - I'm sure he meant to put one out.
Lee Mead! - Don't think your doctor's in the house.
- Nurse, Liz.
Nurse Lofty.
Lee Mead! Oh, jeepers, look at the time.
We need to be getting back.
What?! No, Anne, Anne, Anne, this is our perfect excuse to call on THE Lee Mead.
We just need to pretend one of the children - wants to puke and has to use his toilet.
- Oh, yeah.
"Hello, man who plays a famous nurse, I'm Julia.
- "My kids want to vomit in your bidet.
" - Anne! - I don't want to be out after eight.
- She's right.
In about 50 minutes' time, it's going to be carnage.
- I've just seen a skinhead.
- OK, kids.
All back to Kevin's for more sweets.
Oh, you go on ahead.
They've gone back in.
Oh, I hate that.
I used to get a wedgie whatever the knickers so now I just go commando.
I hope that's not a hire costume.
Hi.
Hello, I'm the guy who spilt coffee down you.
Say this about you, you certainly pick your moments.
Yeah, um, look, can I make it up to you? Are you local? I've just moved to the area.
You're all right, mate.
Excuse me.
Yes, yes, yes, yes.
[Trick or treat!.]
Lovely.
One moment! Lucky you, guys, I baked a fresh b Oh, hi.
Short-dead, anyone? They're They're gluten free.
Careful, might be a bit hot.
- Do you have any money, though? - Um, no, no.
I don't think you're supposed to ask for money.
Um, I might have some loose change in the in the coin pot but, um, Jill, my wife, she often uses that for parking.
Look, I got chocolate milk buttons.
Nice one, you You got me.
Ow, ow, ow! Oh, hi! How was it? Everyone safe and well? Do you get lots of nice goodies? No, they were all kidnapped, Kevin.
One, two, three, four, five Five, 12, one, two, seven.
One, two, three, four, five, six, seven.
There's one missing.
Oh, my God.
- Oh, no, wait.
Georgie's at Sophia's.
It's OK.
- Where's Manus? Manus.
Manus? Manus, it's Manus.
Manus is missing.
- What? - No.
- Course, it'd have to be bloody Manus.
I told ya.
I knew it.
We have to tell Amanda.
He's fine, he's probably just hiding somewhere.
Manus? Manus, mate.
Manus? I'm calling the police.
We'll end up on the Social Services register for neglect.
We won't! She will.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Sorry to nit-pick, - but actually he was Anne's responsibility.
- I know.
That's why I was fecking counting the kids the whole time until you made me stop because you were in such a hurry to get up - to sexy feckin' Nurse Holby's house! - Why don't you calm down, dear? A child is missing.
A child is missing.
A child is missing! Sorry, I had to do that.
Listen, everyone stay calm.
Kids, kids, huddle round.
Huddle round.
Look into my eyes.
Think, where was the last place you saw Manus? Was it Lime Avenue with the Ferrero Rochers? - No.
- Was it near the old people's home? - Where it smells like soup? - No.
This is what we're going to do.
Liz, head to the high street.
Check all the gardens, bins.
Er, Anne, Anne, Anne, Anne! You check all the streets around the park up to the avenues.
- Julia - I'll take Ranulph Road.
- Right.
Everyone got their phones? We need to stay in contact.
Great.
Kids, stay close, you're coming with me.
Let's go.
Trick or treating! Hello? Hello?! Go! Manus! - Manus! - Manus! Manus! Right, no, no, that's enough.
Stay here.
Come here, kids.
Liz, I've got to take the little ones home.
Check the avenues again.
He might be coming up the other way.
Stay on your phone.
- Stay on your phone.
Keep in constant comms.
- All right, Ross Kemp.
Manus! This way, kids.
- Go! Go, go, go, go! - Manus! Go, go, go! Go! Go! - Hi, Mum.
- Hello, again.
Are you still tricky-treating? Yeah, no, no, um, I just wondered if you might have seen, um, - maybe he snuck in.
Manus? - Oh, God, have you lost Amanda's little boy? - No.
- Bloody hell, have you contacted the police? No, I haven't contacted the police! This is a load of fuss about nothing! It's a lost child.
When did you lose him? I didn't! I I I didn't lose him! This Halloween shit-storm lost him! You know, if they're going to give kids one annual sniff of freedom and enough sugar to fell an elephant, you know, what do they think is going to happen?! It's all very well being contrary, Julia, but when the safety of a child is at stake Oh, God, you can't talk, Mother.
You used to leave me in the pram outside Safeway's.
Well, things were different then! - There were less weirdos about.
- Fewer weirdos, Mother, not less.
And there are no more weirdos than there were then.
Yes, OK, granted, there is more traffic, more drugs, more stabbings.
Oh, God, Mum, where is he? Have you checked Amanda's shop? Oh, come on.
Run, vagina, run! - Any sign? - Nothing.
Oh, Christ! This is ridiculous.
We should call the police.
It's OK, it was It was just an egg.
About Manus! Excuse me.
Oh, fuck me! Let's get home, quick as you can, come on.
Watch out.
Everybody inside.
Inside.
Excuse me.
Come on, this way, this way.
Right, let me through.
Inside, that's it, come on.
Here we go, up, up, up.
Come on.
All safe.
Back in a sec.
- Oi.
- Not big, not funny, not clever.
- Give it back.
- No, not till you say sorry.
- Are you serious, bruv? Give it back.
No, bruv.
I'm going to ask one more time, yeah.
Give it back.
Oh, shit.
- He's not here.
- Oh, God, that is it! I am never doing Halloween, ever again.
Someone has to tell Amanda.
Julia.
What? Why me? Because you're good at putting a spin on things.
Amanda, you know how it's been scientifically proven that the, um, overprotection of children stunts their development and, and can lead to depression, er, obesity? Well, tonight, Amanda, I thought it would benefit Manus if - To what? - Sorry, sorry, one sec.
Kevin? - I found Manus.
He was in the toilet all along! - Oh, Manus is there.
- Manus is where? - Oh, God.
Thank God.
- Julia, where's Manus? Um, Manus is, um, at Kevin's after having had a lovely trick or treating.
You've found Manus? Is he all right? What? What do you mean "Have you found Manus"? Where is he? - It was Julia.
- No.
- She did it.
- No.
- What?! - She untied the safety reins.
- Where is he?! - No! Manus is absolutely fine.
Anne is completely misrepresenting the situation.
- Where's my baby, Anne? - Oh, hi! Hi! Er, I was hoping to bump into you again.
Third time lucky.
I wondered if I could buy you an apology pint.
Look, mate, even if I didn't think it was a bit creepy, your following me, you've caught me at the worst time.
I'm over all this.
I'm officially off the market.
So, no, offence, but .
.
sling your hook.
What? What?!