Mulligan (2023) s02e04 Episode Script

1
[patriotic music playing]
[Matty] Pretty sweet monument, huh, Luce?
The hands were my idea.
They're posed like the two most
powerful moves in rock, paper, scissors.
- But paper beats rock
- Okay, I've been in a lot of rock fights.
And you don't know jack one
about rock fights.
- [Fabia] Oops-a-the-daisy.
- Dude, my nose.
It's okay! I'm-a gonna fix it!
- Oops, too much.
- No, just stop.
- Now the hair's too big.
- Don't touch the hair!
- This eye no right.
- The eyes are fine!
- Now, I make-a the bocca nice and round.
- That's not what mouths look like!
Fabia, you ruined it! Forget it. Stupid
Honestly, I'm surprised
it came out as well as it did.
In Italy, I was in-a Parliament.
[Matty] Ah! I look like a monkey!
[chattering] Is that supposed to be me?!
[collar voice]
And is it doing sign language?
[chattering] Yes! It says "stupid ape"!
[screeches]
[collar voice] I'd like to rip
their faces and genitals off,
but that would be stooping to their level.
I'm so freaking mad I can barely talk!
Ook! Ook! Ook! Ook! Ook!
- [howling]
- [grunting]
You no talk-a to me that way. I quit.
She's the first Italian person
I've ever met,
but now I get why I hate them so much.
- [thuds]
- [yelps]
Oh my gosh. Matty, are you okay?
My whole life just flashed before my eyes.
- So much time on the toilet.
- [gentle music playing]
[theme music playing]
[chuckles] Oh.
It's showtime, beautiful.
[humming]
[whimsical music playing]
[indistinct chatter]
What in the devil's food cake?
What did I ask you to do?
Help you off the toilet 'cause you're too
skinny and fell in up to your shoulders?
Okay, context clues.
I'm asking about the focus group.
The Republican Party's dying,
even though we've always had
the best celebrities.
Like, oh I don't know, Jon Voight?
Yeah, from Karate Dog!
You don't remember a man who loses
a karate fight to a dog on a roof?
Listen, it's hard enough for me
to find a voter base in a city
with more lefties
than the 1965 Los Angeles Dodgers.
That was a lefty-heavy rotation,
know your white history.
You bring me a room
full of card-carrying women?
Well, the city was already mostly women,
and now that electricity is back,
the men keep dying from peeing on stuff.
Yes, I've seen the president's PSAs.
[infomercial music plays]
- [electricity crackling]
- Hey, sometimes you gotta go.
And obviously,
you wanna aim at something cool.
But be safe. Lick it first!
Now you know more ♪
I guess you gotta figure out
how to get women to vote for you.
But But that's not in here.
We've always relied on ladies
voting how their husbands tell them.
Like in the Bible.
But if there's no husbands left,
then then Cartwright LaMarr
is gonna have to turn on the charm.
[LaMarr clears throat]
"Guns. Hold for applause."
I I'm sorry, what is this?
I was told there would be a spread.
Yes, there will be Lunch ables.
[all groan]
- Snake throw!
- [snake hisses]
[clears throat] You are here today
because your Republican Party needs you.
We want to know what the voters think.
[sighs] Did you say our Republican Party?
Since when does the right wing
care about women's issues?
Well, we're, like,
obsessed with abortion
No, you're, like,
obsessed with binary gender.
I don't understand those words
enough to disagree,
but I don't care for your tone,
young lady.
"Lady"? You're making assumptions.
Sergeant Walter Cowherd. He, him, his!
- [all] Mm-hmm.
- Speak your truth.
I've never voted Republican.
Except for Mitt Romney. Mmm!
Because that is one hot glass of milk.
[dramatic music playing]
Guys, I almost died today.
I mean, what would America
even do without its president?
It'd be like when my little league coach
got a DUI on the way to a game.
It was chaos. Everyone played shortstop.
Well, the Constitution dictates
a clear line of succession.
We've been over this.
Do you not you listen to me?
Ah, just push-ups mostly.
Thanks for noticing.
Remember, Matty? If the president dies,
the vice president takes over.
Then, if he dies,
his vice president takes over,
- and so on and so forth.
- [groans]
Wait, if you die, Mr. LaMarr takes over?
So why hasn't he killed you yet?
No one would ever kill the president.
He's, like, America's favorite guy.
What?
Why are you all looking at me like that?
Even I know that a bunch of presidents
have been shot. Isn't JFK your hero?
JFK didn't get shot. In Boston schools,
we learned that he went to live on a farm
in Vermont with his brother. Right? Right?
- Guys?
- I'm afraid he was assassinated.
As was Lincoln, just a couple blocks
from here at Ford's Theatre.
But I don't have to worry about that.
Everyone loves me.
Except maybe the family of that guy
who was helping Fabia on my statue.
[grunting]
[yells]
Maybe the best way to make sure
no one gets mad enough to shoot you
is by doing stuff they want
instead of building monuments to yourself.
Oh, like saving all their lives twice?
Yeah, I can do that. Wait, I already did.
I don't get this vice president thing.
If I were LaMarr,
I'd have definitely killed you by now.
I can do that thing from Jurassic Park
where they spit goo
like that one did to Newman.
Yeah, why hasn't LaMarr killed me?
LaMarr?
I can't really do that.
I'd probably just hit him with a shovel.
[sighs] It's so nice to have TOD-209 back.
I feel much safer
from the Mole People now.
[both chuckling]
- [TOD-209] Very funny.
- I know.
Mole attack!
Oh, TOD. [chuckles]
Hey. I didn't know you were back.
It's Urgmel. King of the Mole People.
Ah, would you look at the time!
Ah!
I'm really glad you didn't blow up TOD
with that missile.
Right, not my finest moment.
- And I've returned every dog I ever had.
- Like, to their owners?
Sure. And, look,
I feel terrible about TOD.
He has a human brain
with all our dumb human feelings,
and he deserves to be happy.
Ooh, maybe get him a gift card?
They're great for relatives
you can't give cash
because they're addicted to poker.
I just want to encourage his interests.
He likes music,
so I got us tickets to a matinee of Annie.
- You remind me of my mom.
- Cool, I love where this is going.
She was supportive of everything I did.
Cheer squad, tap lessons.
When I started getting interested in boys,
she kidnapped J.C. Chasez for me.
Who are you people? My agent
said this was a Make-A-Wish thing.
Okay, sweetie, I'm going to the store.
Do whatever you want to J.C. Chasez.
Love you.
Oh! [chuckles]
Well, I'm not TOD's mom.
I'm his work friend.
And he's been through a lot,
so it's the least I can do.
The very least!
Because what happened to him
is all your fault.
- Have fun at Annie, TOD.
- [Tod-209] TOD going to Annie?
Excitement protocol engaged.
[boy] Ooh!
Oh. Okay.
[TOD-209] It okay. TOD catch.
[LaMarr] Nope, nope. He's long dead.
Ooh! This is a good one,
"cancel culture." Eek.
- Oh my God, you people
- I thought we couldn't say that.
were out of touch before.
Yeah, we got bigger problems now.
I go to bed hungry every night.
I brought Lunchables.
- I know.
- Oh no.
LaMarr, if you kill me,
I'm gonna haunt the crap out of you.
I'll do that thing where you start normal,
and then it's like [yells]
Now that is a classic ghost move,
but murdering one's president
is a young veep's game.
And you're wicked old. Okay, phew.
Now if you'll excuse me,
I'm in the middle of a little focus group.
I did one of those once.
I'm the reason they briefly made
a clam chowder flavor of Gatorade.
Actually, Mr. LaMarr,
I think we're done here.
There's nothing you can do
to make us like you.
But what about me? What can I do?
What What makes people like a president?
So you wouldn't wanna shoot him.
Or poison him.
Or introduce him to some sexy chick,
but then when they're alone, it turns out
she's dynamites with a wig on it.
I like a president
who seems like a regular guy.
You know, someone you can see yourself
having a beer with.
Brews, yes!
You ever done the Sam Adams tour?
Everyone gets a free sample,
so what you do is
you bring a bag full of mustaches
[slurring] What are you,
the mustache police?
Gimme my sample.
Ooh, I like it
when the president has a pet.
Like Bo Obama or that Tamagotchi
George W. Bush kept killing.
And when they play an instrument.
Like Bill Clinton on Arsenio.
That was cool
because everyone was stupider in the '90s!
Well, I guess this is y'all's office now.
I'll just mumble to myself on the way out.
Oh bother, I mistimed it.
I'm nowhere near the door,
and I've run out of things to mumbulate.
What else?
I hate it when someone hands you a coffee,
and it's just too hot.
Okay, that should do it.
Tall.
Hmm. I'm already pretty tall.
But I can do better.
I just want a president who stands up
for the little guy for once.
Little. Guy.
I'd like it if this country
would finally elect a woman.
Duly noted.
Now this isn't about presidents,
but I like it in the movies
when a fellow walks away from an explosion
and he's so cool
he doesn't even look back.
- Oh-ho-ho, yes.
- [whimsical music plays]
Now your locket
has found its missing half, Annie.
[vocalizing]
Away! ♪
Day away! ♪
[TOD-209] That was magic.
Well, I'm glad you liked it.
The story's a little weird though, right?
I mean, Warbucks has an orphan sleep over
at his mansion one night a year
to get good press?
[TOD-209] TOD jealous of people on stage.
Do they ever do musicals with robots?
Hey, you're not a robot.
You could be on that stage if you wanted.
With other people.
[TOD-209] Really?
So will you talk to them?
Oh, like, for this? Now?
You betcha. If it'll make you happy.
[TOD-209] Doctor is the best.
Would you two mind?
We're doing a curtain call.
[scattered applause]
What's up, fellow Americans?
Yeah, it's me, your president.
Taller in person, right? Plus a dog.
And I'm wearing a dress
like a woman president would.
It's all your favorite stuff,
what a coincidence.
Bah, bah, bah, bah, jazz!
You know, as president,
I've always stood up for the little guy.
- And here he is.
- Hi, I'm Lester.
Wow. Simon, you're afraid of him
just because he's unnaturally small?
I expected better from you,
my minority friend.
Okay. First of all, Black people
are actually the majority in D.C.
And I'm not a prop.
I have a Ph.D.
I know how to spell "food," Simon.
And I don't want any.
It could be poisoned.
Is that why you made me
eat all those Moon Pies?
It started that way, but then it was like,
"How many will he eat?" [laughs]
What the hell are you doing?
We're hungry and living in tents
while our president is, what?
Engaging in a Harry Styles-ian exploration
of the boundaries of gender?
No, no, no, don't get all disgruntled.
Stay gruntled.
Don't shoot anyone.
Oh, oh! Check this out.
[dramatic music playing]
[loud explosion]
Aah! So loud and hot!
[groans]
How are we supposed to know
what women want when they don't?
You've been to dinner with Mother.
How can a person not know
if she's in the mood for chicken or fish?
They're opposites.
[sighs]
- [LaMarr moans]
- [Irstenkay] I need one.
There aren't any more.
You ladies need something?
Well, maybe I can help.
Um, you wouldn't have one.
It's, like, a female thing.
Like precious silks and dyes
from the Orient?
What? No.
Or is it those creams you endlessly
rub on your hands in the movies?
- She needs a [mumbles]
- [groans]
- You need a poster of Rock Hudson?
- Oh my God.
A documentary
about other ladies getting murdered?
- That means you're smart for being alive.
- It's a tampon! I need a tampon!
- [dramatic sting]
- [groans]
[heart beating]
Muh Vuh Preh? Yoo kay?
Dih yoo heah uh? Tammon?
[dramatic swell]
How dare you?
Never in 50 years of public service
have I been spoken to in that way.
Asking for a government handout.
And for that?
This is still America,
not the socialist island
Wonder Woman was from.
Good day to you, sirs.
[TOD-209] TOD got part.
Well, that's wonderful.
I never doubted it.
[TOD-209] TOD is playing Annie.
The girl named Annie.
In the musical Annie.
[pipe organ music plays]
- I got the organ working again.
- Hi. You're the director, right?
Thank you so much
for letting my friend audition,
but I think you've made a mistake.
Chuncey does not do mistakes.
He does hot takes!
For example,
Yadda the bridge troll can get it!
Sure. But isn't Annie kind of a big part
for a first-time performer
who is also a robot
without the ability to modulate his voice?
Are you kidding? If so, tell me.
I hate being left out of the joke.
If not, you're crazy. TOD is a dream.
He is neither a child, nor a dog,
he does exactly what he's told,
and his robot brain
has already memorized all his lines.
But he can't exactly sing.
[laughs] I directed Pierce Brosnan
in Les Miz.
I'll make it work. Exit, Chuncey!
[whimsical music plays]
I don't get it, man.
I did everything they wanted,
and no one would drink a beer with me.
- So I had to drink them all myself.
- You really didn't.
Everyone hates me now.
- I'm totally gonna get shot.
- Sir, maybe just eat something.
- Not unless you eat it first.
- Please, I'm so full.
I mean, maybe one more Moon Pie.
- Matty, hey, we've gotta get dressed.
- For what?
It's TOD's first performance as Annie
in Annie. He's playing Annie.
You want me to go to a theater?
The site of half of all presidential
assassinations that I know about?
Oh for goodness' sake. Go get cleaned up,
and I'll meet you outside in 15 minutes.
Oh, sure, just tell the assassins
where I'll be and when.
I'm going to Pizza Hut now!
Yeah, nice try, Lucy.
You probably want me dead
so you can get my job
in the limeade sex session.
Is that what you heard
when I said "line of succession"?
I'm not risking it.
I'm gonna lock myself somewhere safe
with the only person
I can trust around here, me!
Ow! Dammit! Even you, me?
Are you serious?
Why would I tell TOD not to do Annie?
Someone's gotta do it,
and you're very suggestible.
[barks]
I've asked you to stop doing that.
And maybe I'm a bad doggy,
but this is TOD's dream.
But it's gonna be a disaster.
Chuncey said they sold a bunch of tickets
now that there's an actual Annie.
TOD is going to be humiliated.
You've been on stage a lot.
Tell him acting isn't as easy as it looks.
But it is easy.
The dumbest people on Earth
are the ones that are best at it.
Or maybe I won't have to disappoint him
if no one even shows up.
Back in my lab,
I have a prototype neurotoxin
that makes audiences afraid of theaters.
It was developed
to try to stop George W. Bush
from going to the Garfield movie
over and over.
Ugh, you're exactly like my mom, Farrah!
When I didn't get a song
in my church's highschool production
of the VeggieTales version of Oklahoma!
Two Americas, got it.
she took matters into her own hands.
[playful music playing]
I'm just a girl who always says no ♪
God is my only boyfriend ♪
- [all gasp]
- Make the broccoli the tomato.
Or I'm gonna splatter J.C. Chasez
all over this goddamn stage!
Just switch. Do what she says!
Oh my God. You're right.
That's why
this is all completely assed up.
Because it is me trying to be a mom,
and I suck at that.
- I'm sure it'll be fine. You'll see.
- No, I can't watch this train wreck.
I've done enough damage
to that poor robot man.
- I'm not going.
- But I already bought you a ticket.
And Chuncey wouldn't accept my kisses,
so I had to pay him in fierce lewks!
[somber music plays]
I let you down, sir.
But you would not believe
what they actually want.
I'd rather let the party wither
on the vine than kowtow to feminazism.
Oh, you don't know about feminists
or Nazis. They're both very silly
- Are you talking to me?
- Sputter!
What are you doing desecrating the lap
of the daddy of the Republican Party?
I like it when a big man
makes me feel small.
[grunts]
But I'm surprised you like this guy.
I read his speeches.
"Malice toward none"?
"All men are created equal"?
- That doesn't sound like you.
- Well, no.
The Republican Party
was, uh, different back then.
But folks seem to like ol' Pennyhead,
so we use him as our mascot,
even though we actually hate him.
So he's a mascot.
Kind of like Gritty for the Flyers
or the Phanatic for the Phillies.
They've nothing to do
with the sport or the city.
What is up with Philadelphia?
And what is up with your party?
What do you stand for
if you can totally flip sides like that?
Well, there's an elephant and, uh
Huh.
When the country moved left, we evolved
Sorry, creationed,
to give big business, evangelicals,
and people who are sexually attracted
to guns under one big, goofy tent.
We did a complete switch-a-magoo
just to stay in power.
So what's to stop us from doing it again?
- Huzzah!
- [whimsical music playing]
Hope you kept that lap
warm for me, big boy.
[grunts]
[in baby voice] Oh no, I'm so widdle.
[rumbling]
[suspenseful music playing]
Just try getting in here, assassins.
I got everything I need.
More beer, no food,
and a Sega with all the best Sega games.
Dunk Master Basketball, Moon Racer,
Punchfight.
Hey, who took all the air?
[gasps, groans]
- [grunts]
- [thuds]
[ethereal music playing]
JFK's ghost.
Yes, eh, guilty as charged.
Oh, and, uh, by the way
[screams]
[laughs]
Such a sweet move.
Nice, uh, sex cube.
What? No, I'm locked in here
so I don't end up like you, bro.
You know Plegh! Splat!
Hold up, everyone loved you.
I mean, you kicked ass.
So how come you got
Plegh! Splat! Gurgle!
Please stop doing that.
And you got it all wrong.
I got shot because I kicked ass.
And got my share of it.
Man, you are so goddamn cool.
The stuff that made me awesome,
civil rights,
taking down my good friends the mob,
threatening the moon,
made a lot of people and Moonians mad.
But I didn't do it because it was easy.
I did it because it was hard.
- That's what she said. Nice.
- That's what she said. Nice.
You know what happened after I got shot?
They named a freakin' airport after me.
- It's a good one too. There's a Kiehl's.
- I wanna be an airport.
Well, no president ever achieved greatness
by being a scared [bleep]
who locked himself in a box.
Dude, I I know you're from Boston
and a long time ago,
but you can't call people that anymore.
That's completely [bleep]ed.
I can say that one
because my dad lobotomized my sister.
Listen, the only thing
you have to fear is fear itself.
I said that. As far as you know.
This is all in your own brain.
I'm tall.
So presidents are great
because they dare to do great things.
And that's why they get killed.
Well, I've done more great stuff
than any president ever.
- I saved Earth. Twice.
- You're so awesome.
You should be on the million-dollar bill.
Please stop making me say this stuff.
And I know the perfect place
for some chowderhead to take a shot at me.
[whimsical music plays]
[crickets chirping]
[indistinct chatter]
I sure hope
no one in this theater shoots me
because of my extraordinary
but at times controversial achievements,
thus cementing my place in history.
Matty, this isn't about you.
Our robot friend
is about to realize his dream
of being a little girl
in front of everybody.
- No one's gonna shoot you, okay?
- [Matty groans]
After all I've done for this country,
one of these jagweeds better try.
Mmm. Mmm.
Uh-oh, looks like somebody just pulled
a fresh batch of frownies out of the oven.
Well, if you're upset,
I've got just the prescription.
I'll take it, but only because
you can't find these anywhere.
Also, my periods
have gotten real weird since the attack
Uh-huh! Good to hear.
There's plenty more where that came from.
Just remember,
the Republican Party cares about women
and all their peculiarities.
So, um
[chuckles]
let's talk about your feelings and such.
Why aren't you at TOD's
big debut as Annie?
TOD's better off without me.
I've given up on trying to help him.
Oh, don't say that. I know you care
about that Godless metal abomination.
Just like I care about
the conservative movement in this country.
And I would do anything for it.
Even this. 'Cause the GOP and TOD,
they're like our chilluns.
I get it, I'm TOD's mom. Sucks to be him.
Look, the world's gonna throw
a lot at your little baby.
Just like a tampon. But like a tampon,
they'll deal with it and absorb it.
It'll just make 'em grow.
Boy, that analogy worked out a lot better
than I thought it would when I started.
So whether it's a baby,
one of your talking trash cans,
or the greatest political party
on God's coal-covered Earth,
the one thing you can't do
is give up on them.
Because you know what?
They will surely surprise you.
Huh.
That actually makes sense.
I guess I've got a play to get to.
[mascot] Hey, asshole!
I heard you have a problem with mascots!
[TOD-209 in monotone] ♪you, tomorrow ♪
You're always a day away ♪
[audience cheering, applauding]
Bravo!
- Wait, are they clapping for real?
- And how!
TOD-209 is an Annie
for our desperate, hopeless times.
A man with no past
and an uncertain future,
he speaks for all of us when he says
that our happy tomorrow may never come.
It really is always a day away.
Mind blown.
Your chilluns sure will surprise you.
[whimsical music playing]
I told you she's weird.
- [woman] Can I get an autograph?
- [indistinct chatter]
Wait, now you want to get killed?
No, but they could at least try.
I mean, I would've dodged it.
It's just [sighs]
all the great presidents get shot.
How am I not great?
Well, McKinley and Garfield
were both assassinated,
and they were hardly memorable
commanders-in-chief.
Thanks for making up
those obviously fake presidents,
but it's not gonna make me feel better.
I'll never be an airport.
Hey, come on.
It took those other guys years
to do enough stuff to get shot, right?
- Well, no, actually, Garfield
- Garfield was a cat, dude.
Yup, years, whatever.
So you've still got time.
I know you, Matty Mulligan.
And someday,
someone's gonna want to kill you.
Thanks, Luce.
I hope someone tries to kill you too.
Because you're a really great friend.
Oh my gosh. Your head is bleeding.
Like, a lot!
[thuds]
[weapon firing]
[explodes]
Great presidents get monuments, Luce.
And so far, I'm only amazing.
Sure. But one day,
you'll be up on Mount Rushmore
next to George Washington
and Christopher Columbus,
and who's the one with the mustache?
I think it's Trebek.
- My lady?
- Oh, thanks.
Vote Republican.
[firing continues]
[explodes]
[foreboding music playing]
[dramatic music playing]
- [chattering]
- [screeching]
[collar voice] I had the shot.
[chattering] Look!
Humans destroy mean statue.
We are not doing war.
[screeches]
[collar voice] We're not?
Did you tell Urgmel?
[dramatic sting]
[screeches]
So Mount Rushmore is George Washington,
Christopher Columbus, Alex Trebek,
and the music dude
who married Julia Roberts.
And then on the backs of their heads,
it's four Voldemorts.
- Man, that's a weird mount.
- [Lucy] Matty, your head's bleeding again.
[Matty] I know, I feel cold.
Oh, hey, JFK.
[patriotic music playing]
[whimsical music playing]
[music fades]