My Family (2000) s02e04 Episode Script

Probe.
Typical.
- Hand me the probe, please.
- That's just how it starts.
- "The probe.
" - I'm sorry? Next thing you'll want is the mirror.
Yes, you're right.
You dentists are all the same.
Sorry, do you have some sort of problem with dentists? - You don't want to know.
- Yep, you're right there.
My ex-husband was a dentist.
I worked alongside him faithfully for 15 years.
Only to be discarded like a used swab.
That reminds me.
Swab, please.
You're all alike, you dentists, with your fast cars and your fast women.
Which dental school did your ex-husband actually go to? You're just after one thing.
Yep.
The swab.
Thank you.
Now, would you just be quiet and do as you're told.
That's just what he said.
Just before he ran off with his young, attractive dental assistant.
Well, there's no danger of that happening here.
Are you saying I'm not good enough for you? I'm sorry what may have happened in your past but you have a job to do here and now.
Oh, right.
Next you'll be saying it's not me, it's you.
Nope, it's definitely you.
There are two in this relationship.
(Phone) Yes? Who is this? (Laughs) I don't think so.
- Who was that? - She said she was a patient.
But I know she was another assistant.
Ah.
Look, I'm sorry about this.
I've really tried but I'm afraid this isn't working, is it? That's what he said.
Janey! Janey, what the hell are you doing in there? (Janey) Flossing, like you always tell us to.
Yes but recent tests prove that flossing can be harmful to your health when your father wants to get in the bathroom! - Oh, Dad.
- I've got to go to work! - I've got to go to school! - You hate school.
- You hate work.
It's a draw.
- You're not being clever.
So how come I'm in here and you're not? - Hello, Dad.
- Is it? - Mind if I nip in first? - Yes, I do mind.
- Oh, is there a queue? - Yes, and this is a V.
Why don't you use your own loo? - You know very well why.
- I'll take another look at it.
It was you taking a look at it that broke the bloody thing in the first place.
Is there anything that still works after you've looked at it? The TV.
Can I go in first? No.
You've got nothing else to do all day.
I have.
I'm waiting in for the plumber.
(Janey) I'd be out quicker if you two stopped talking.
What does she mean by that? No.
Don't answer.
- Ben? - What? May I have a word? In the bedroom? - But I - It's private.
I'm Thanks, Dad.
Oh, Janey! What? Look.
Janey's diary.
- Where did you get that? - I found it.
You found it? In what sense, found? Found as in fine-tooth comb search of her possessions? No, found in the sense that Fleming discovered penicillin.
He was looking for something else.
What were you looking for? What was Fleming looking for? The point is I found it.
Eureka! Now put it back before all hell breaks loose.
You don't want Janey to think you You've read it! Yes, I did.
And it's it's horrible.
Why? What, erm what's it say? She says, "Mum doesn't trust me.
" - And? - Isn't that enough? Well, you don't trust her! You've read her diary! The point is she's noticed.
How can we have the sort of honest, open relationship that allows confidences between mother and daughter? What the hell do you want to do that for? So I know what she's up to, of course.
Well? What is she up to? - Oh, the usual stuff.
- What? What usual stuff? I can't tell you that.
It's private.
Yeah but I mean, does she You know, erm What? - Er you know.
Nothing.
- OK.
- What does she say about me? - Nothing.
- Nothing? - Yes, nothing.
- But I'm her father! - Look for yourself.
I don't want to get involved.
Maybe that's why Janey doesn't mention you.
Oh, great.
What a wonderful sense of achievement.
Yep.
Goodbye, brooding resentment.
Hello, total indifference.
Oh, for Nick! Nick! I'd leave it for a couple of minutes if I were you.
Why? Because I'm next.
Michael! - Wavy lines.
- No.
Wavy lines.
No.
Wavy lines? No.
- Wavy lines.
- No.
- Wavy lines.
- No.
- Wavy lines.
- Yes! Wow! Mum, I'm telepathic.
Then you'll know what I'm thinking.
Mum wants you to lay the table while I get a beer.
- Hello, dear.
- Nice day at work? I won't answer that but I appreciate the question.
- So did the plumber turn up? - No, he did not.
It's always the way.
You take a whole day off and what happens? You tell me.
You're the expert.
I had another go at fixing your toilet.
- Oh, God.
- No, no, no, Dad.
It's all right.
It's just a bit cracked in half.
- But we're getting a new one.
- You idiot.
- I knew you'd say that.
- He's telepathic today.
Dad.
Language.
- Hi, Mum.
- Hello, dear.
- Hi, Janey.
- Mum, I got an A for my French project.
That's wonderful! Well done! - You got an A? - Thanks, Mum.
- Are you sure? - If she says she did, she did.
It's a matter of trust.
I've always felt one should trust one's children.
Where did you read this, then? - I didn't read it.
- You just found it? I simply engage with my children, and in return, they notice me.
What are you doing in there? There's a bit of old pizza stuck to the back wall.
Got it.
That's the most revolting thing I've ever seen.
That's because you're out all day.
Mum, can I have a party because I got an A for French? That's how it works, is it? A for French, P for party.
- N for no.
- Course you can have a party.
Doesn't anyone listen to me? How about next Saturday? Your father and I are staying in Oxford.
- Are you mad? - You'd let me have a party? - While you're not here? - Why not? You don't want your stuffy old parents checking up on you.
Hello! Do I exist? What sort of party will it be? I'll tell you.
Ear-splitting music, stains on the carpet, peeing in the shrubbery, groping in the bedrooms.
- Should I be taking notes? - Don't worry, I'll keep an eye on things.
- Yeah, like you're invited.
- I know lots of boys.
Nick will keep an eye on things.
Great.
All my fears have vanished as the morning dew.
- I'll be there as well.
- You'll be staying at Colin's.
Colin's? I don't like Colin.
Start liking him or I'll tell kids you still wet the bed.
- I don't still wet the bed.
- Who are they gonna believe? Fine.
I'll put your passport photo on the Internet.
Michael! - So that's agreed.
- No, it's not.
I'm sorry.
No.
I'm not happy about this.
I've said my piece.
You know how I feel.
But if you want to go ahead with this party, go ahead.
Go on.
It's fine.
Just trample over the tattered remnants of my dignity.
- Thanks, Dad! - Yay! Party! No.
Stop it.
We made our decision.
We've got to stick to it.
- You made our decision.
- And I'm happy with it.
Really? Good.
You're happy that our teenage daughter and her airhead friends are alone with a bunch of spotty herberts high on testosterone.
Good.
- Be like a monkey house.
- Oh, for God's sake.
Could you suffer in silence? - Let it eat away inside me? - That's what I'm doing.
Try lying to yourself.
Life's much easier that way.
So when you said you were happy, you were lying to yourself? No, I was lying to you.
I knew I should have kept that manual when I married you.
Mrs Norton's got my mobile number.
If anything goes wrong, she'll call us.
We've done all we can.
We might as well enjoy the evening.
And you believe that? Course not.
I'm lying.
Oh, boy.
It's going to be a really long journey, this one.
There's an off-licence.
We'd better get a bottle.
Considering your mood, we'd better get a crate.
- Is there anything else? - There just has to be.
Somewhere.
- Whassup! - Whassup! Going to a party in London tonight.
- It's a long way to go.
- This one is gonna be wild.
Some girl has been given the run of her house.
- Parents gone away overnight.
- Idiots! They'll be left with every drunken yob within miles.
Too right! Do you want to come, mate? It is gonna be wall-to-wall totty.
(Both) Wicked! Get there early while there's something left to trash.
What will we tell the Patersons? That we had to prevent the four horsemen of the apocalypse from trashing our house and we may be a bit late.
You're being ridiculous.
There are thousands of parties in London.
- It won't be our house.
- Course it is.
They said the girl's parents were idiots.
We'll have a quick look round, that's all.
- What if Janey sees us? - We'll say we've forgotten something.
Oh, right.
Like the fact that we trust her.
It's our house.
They're our children.
Why shouldn't we go back and - Spy on them.
- Yeah.
No.
If we're open about it.
You know.
Just show them that we care.
See if everything's hunky-dory.
What else can they do but respect our frankness? Honesty.
- Best if we park round the corner.
- Yeah.
Can't hear anything.
Can you? - No.
- That's good.
- No, that's bad.
- Hm? If there's no music, they're not dancing.
If they're not dancing, what are they doing? Conducting a satanic ritual? I hadn't thought of that.
- Are you insane? - Just one little look.
- Lot's wife said the same.
- Come on.
Don't fight it.
This could be your only chance to find out what your kids get up to when you're not there.
What's the harm in one little look? You know you want to.
Strange.
No Janey, no Michael, no Nick.
Under any other circumstances, that would be my idea of paradise.
- Where is everybody? - You remember teenage parties.
I know where they'll be.
- The pub.
- The bedrooms.
We've got to get out of here before the guests arrive.
Come in, guys.
The drinks are in the kitchen.
Where's the wrinklies? Nice gaff.
Look what you've done.
We're stuck.
Calm down! We just go down and explain what we're doing here then walk out, heads high.
Over my dead body.
It was a figure of speech.
- It's only Janey.
- Who already thinks I don't trust her.
If she catches me here, she'll lose any respect for me she had and all the responsibility of keeping her in line will be on your head.
Yep, you're right.
We're stuck here.
- Oh, God.
This is awful.
- It's not that bad.
I can't stand the Patersons.
We're all alone, aren't we? In our bedroom.
It's a nice bit of peace and quiet.
(# Drumbeat thumping) - Oh, God.
- Oh, please.
It's all right.
I've got a way out of this.
- Drink! - We can't start drinking wine! We haven't got a corkscrew.
Fear not, fair lady.
The pen is mightier than the sword.
- That's a pencil.
- Whatever.
- Just push the cork in like so and - (Phone) Hello? Hello, Mrs Norton.
It's Mrs Norton.
I thought I better let you know that the music is a bit loud.
- Is it? - You can't hear it from there? It would be odd if we could hear it in Oxford.
- Because that's where we are.
- Yes, I know that.
Well, I'll tell Janey to turn it down.
On the phone.
From Oxford.
- Are you all right? - Yes.
It sounds pretty noisy where you are, too.
Yes.
A car radio.
(Stuttering) Ooh, I'm losing you.
We're going into a tunnel.
Tunnel? In Oxford? You've got it.
Look at this.
Easy as Just as you predicted - ear-splitting music, stains on the carpet.
What was next on the list? Ah, yes.
Groping in the bedroom.
- I give good list.
- So I believe.
- Red or white? - White.
- Cheers.
- Cheers.
(Giggles) I feel like a naughty teenager! I could pop downstairs and get you one.
(Door opens) You can put your things in here.
Cheers.
Thanks.
You know, if you want, you could put your things in my room.
Is it true that you still wet the bed? Janey! (# Thumping dance music) Who'd have thought a kid would bring food to a party? Kids today are ready for anything.
- Oh, God.
- What? When you start saying "kids today" you're getting old.
You are mistaken in mistakenly thinking you are getting old.
You say the nicest things in the most convoluted way.
I'm so glad to hear it.
I fancy a bit of dessert.
So, I wonder if the kid's got any fruit.
Oh, yeah.
Strawberry-flavoured You're so right.
Kids today don't forget anything, do they? That's good.
They're being sensible.
No, that's bad.
He should have taken them with him.
Look out! - That was close.
- This is ridiculous, Susan.
We're in our own bed, we're married, and we're afraid of getting caught? I know.
Exciting, isn't it? Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
- What are you doing? - Let's just see what turns up.
- Come on, Kevin.
- It's Declan.
Yeah, whatever.
Oi! This is my parents' room! What are you doing? - What does it look like? - Get out.
You'll probably break the bed.
No one's had sex in it for years.
Bloody pigs! This is awful.
It's you who got us back here.
And all for nothing.
She's being perfectly responsible.
Now we're stuck in our own bedroom being groped by randy teenagers and listening to jokes about our waning sexual powers.
- Things couldn't get worse.
- Yeah, they could.
I want to go toilet.
(# Dance music) So.
Looks like it's just you and me, then.
No.
Just you.
Ben, you cannot use that bathroom.
The water's turned off and the toilet's got a great crack in it.
- You can't use that one either! - Why not? - If Janey sees you? - She'll get over it.
Well, I won't! It's 11:30.
The party will be over by 3:00.
- It's only another four hours.
- All right, fine.
- So what do you do? - I'm at school.
Yeah? Did that once.
- So what do you do? - I'm an astronaut.
We don't have astronauts here.
Yeah, we do.
There's that European Space thingy.
Uh-huh.
So how many times have you been into space? It's kind of top secret and I don't like to brag.
Too bad.
That would really turn me on.
Seven.
In fact, I'm going up tomorrow.
Tonight is my last night on Earth.
This isn't some sort of bad chat-up line, is it? Time will tell.
So, do you really want to sleep with me? Because Janey told me you were gay.
I just haven't met the right woman yet.
Maybe in space.
Or down here with you.
Was I even close? I could use the basin.
Why not the basin? No.
This isn't the Young Conservatives dinner dance.
Susan, just work with me on this, OK? These are desperate times.
The water's off.
The toilet's broken.
Live with it.
- Ben! - I'm just looking for a vase.
(Phone) Hello? Oh, hello, Mrs Norton.
Everything all right? Oh, dear.
Is it still too loud? Well, I wouldn't know, being in Oxford.
Yes, that's all very well but I Oh.
That is disgraceful! There's somebody upstairs.
He's He's He's urinating out of the window.
Ben! Argh! There's a woman there now.
She's slammed the window on him! He looks jolly angry.
And now they're having a blazing row.
- I can't stop me in the middle! - You upset people.
- I don't care what they think.
- That's why I had to do it.
I'm going to use the other bathroom because I have to do it.
- You can't! - You just watch me! Ben! No, Ben! You all right, Declan? (Vomits) That is marvellous.
Just great.
Soaked to the skin.
- (Knocking) - (Girl) Hello! Anyone in there? Janey, the door's locked and I don't think anyone's in there.
It's always happening.
Here.
Let me.
- That's disgusting! - Oh, God! All yours.
- (Knocking) - Come in.
- All right? - You all right? You pulled yet? - Yeah.
Kevin.
And Declan.
- Oh.
Nice.
Someone's twisted my bra strap.
Would you have a look? Sure.
When will they learn? It's not like opening a can of lager.
- Are there any towels in here? - I don't know.
- Hello.
- Enjoying the party? - Yeah, it's great.
- Except for Declan.
- Have you seen his piercing? - No.
Where? - On his you know.
- Oh, my God.
Why? So you can find it! Janey, I can't find any soap.
There'll be some by the bath.
Hang on.
Does anyone mind if I use the toilet? It's only a number one.
- Hello, girls.
- Oh, in your dreams.
Yes! Nick! Oh, hi, Dad.
Nick, I need your help.
- Pardon? - I need your help, Nick.
- Once more? - Oh, for God's sake.
Sorry.
I was enjoying that.
Janey has taken all my clothes and then all these girls started, you know Dad, we've all been there.
Nick, just get me a towel.
Oh, good.
Are you doing this deliberately? - Yeah.
- Get me a towel, Nick.
Come on! You've got to get me back to my bedroom without Janey noticing.
- What's in it for me? - Someone's life is at stake.
- Oh, yeah? Whose? - Yours! - (Knocking) - Nick! Hurry up! Declan's about to be sick! He's a bottomless pit! Won't be a second! - What do I do now? - Just a minute.
- Aren't you supposed to be in Oxford? - (Groans) All right.
All you do is climb out the window, shimmy up the drainpipe, keep a firm grip on the guttering above, slide, swing your left leg across and there you are at your bedroom window.
- What? - It always works for me.
- Yeah.
- (Knocking) - Nick, I have to come in! - Dad, just trust me! That's it.
I'm staying.
(Janey) Nick, I'm gonna let him puke in your room! - Just a minute! - Come on.
Let's go.
OK.
Let's go.
Let's go.
I've got it.
Yep.
- Dad, stay there.
- You're gonna have to pull me back.
- Pull me back! - OK, Dad.
I've got you.
I've got you.
Oh, dear.
Sorry about that, Dad.
Hi, darling.
(Phone) Hello, Mrs Norton.
Oh, hello, Janey.
How's it Your father's where? He's doing what? How extraordinary.
Yes, I can see why you're upset.
Don't worry.
I'll come and sort it out at once.
Except I can't.
Because I'm in Oxford.
And your father's taken the car.
So I'll see you in the morning.
Give my love to Dad.
(Sighs)