Nero Wolfe (2001) s02e04 Episode Script
Die Like a Dog
(Nero Wolfe) and take your sordid affairs with you! (Archie griffin) Richard meegan had made the mistake of asking Wolfe to find his wife.
Another mistake.
He took my raincoat instead of his.
I had started to return it, but when i got to his apartment, i didn't enter it.
There was a party going on outside.
(man) Come on, give me a break.
Just give me a little information.
One story's all i need.
Can i get a photographer? Whose dog is this? Hey! Whose dog is this? Give us some information (Archie) The presence of Purley Stebbins made it a cinch that there was a corpse inside the building.
Sure that's not your dog? Huh? No, no, the wife's allergic.
And my presence at the scene of a homicide arouses all of Purley's worst instincts.
I decided to get my raincoat back some other time.
(barks) What? I'm not your pal.
Go on.
Go on.
(barks) Stay.
I am not your pal.
Now, you must go back to where you were.
My idea was to call the a.
s.
p.
c.
a.
For help, but there was no sense in passing up an opportunity to annoy Wolfe.
Where the devil have you been? We were supposed to go over the orchid list.
What's that? Uh, it's a dog.
I'm in no temper for buffoonery, get it out of here.
No, sir, you have your orchids, Fritz has his turtle.
Theodore has his parakeets why shouldn't i have a dog? We'll have to change his name, of course, 'cause i wouldn't want us to confuse the two of you.
Ebony would do, or jet, or inky, or stop babbling! It's not a hound, it's a labrador retriever.
Well, i say hound because it would be natural for a private detective to have a hound.
Labradors have a wider skull than any other dog for brain room.
A dog i had when i was a boy in montenegro had a rather narrow skull, but i did not regard that as a defect, i do not recall thinking that the dog had a defect.
So, when, when you smuggled that creaturere, did you take into account the disruption it might cause in this household? Don't worry, don't worry, i will get rid of the dog.
I do feel the need for a pet.
Perhaps i'll try a chameleon.
No.
No? No, i do not wish to interfere with the commitment that you've made.
I haven't made a commitment.
Then where did it come from? Followed me home.
All right, look, i'm gonna call an animal shelter, and i'll, uh no! No? No! Why? Call someone from the police department and give them the license number and locate the owner.
And then you will call the owner directly.
No no, i don't think so, because, you see, if the owner is dead or in jail, you'll take the position that i have committed myself by bringing the dog home.
Well, it would be dishonorable for you to renege.
Yeah, you'd enjoy having a dog around, provided you could blame it on me.
I think that name that you suggested jet would be acceptable for this dog.
I like inky.
It's a stupid name.
It's a name that would demean, even demean a dog.
Jet is the dog's name.
I wasn't being serious when i said jet.
Dinner is served, sir.
(bark) Is the animal dining with you? Phooey! That's ebony, Fritz.
Jet.
Fritz, this animal, this hound, uh, is named inky.
No, his name is jet.
Jet? Well, his manners seem to be adequate, but i would prefer to test them in the kitchen.
Ah, bien sur.
Come.
That's loyalty for you.
(Archie) The squabs were absolutely edible, but other phenomena of that evening were not so pleasing.
The basenji is the oldest breed on earth, originating in central africa, 5000 b.
c.
Of course, there was no trace of the afghan hound before 4000 b.
c.
Fritz.
Fritz.
Ated a capacity for restraint, vis-a-vis food? For a dog he has remarkable control.
You wouldn't find him to be an incorrigible nuisance as a cohabitant? No.
Of course, uh, they need time.
They must be walked and fed, but for such a noble beast, i suppose we, uh, could make the sacrifice.
Well, we must suffer him, in any case, for Archie's sake.
Yeah, yeah, right, for my sake.
Ah.
Clearly, they were prepared to become charter members of the canine canonization league.
Next thing you know, we'd have box seats at the westminster dog show.
(Fritz) Jet! Put down that squab! Jet! Drop it! Drop it, jet! (barking, crashing) (doorbell rings) You never come after dinner.
Cut the crap, goodwin, and tell me where the dog is.
The owner of t?? Dog was murdered this afternoon.
The officer at the scene recognized you and said you enticed the dog to go off with you! I did not entice.
Oh, the dog just followed you.
Hey, dogs follow me, girls follow me.
Skip the comedy! The dog belonged to the victim of the murder.
And you removed it from the murder scene.
To top it off, one of the tenants from 29 arbor street was by here today to talk to you richard meegan.
What the hell was that all about? That's not your business.
Go on.
This the last people i want near a homicide scene is you or goodwin.
But i knew you were there.
And i wanna know how and why, and what and when and who? You're wasting your time.
In mr.
Meegan's first breath, he mentioned his wife.
Yeah, yeah my vanity bristles at the thought of taking a job like that.
Yeah, i know, Wolfe and i stopped him, my bluntness enraged him, and he stormed off with mr.
Goodwin's raincoat.
M, so that's why you went there.
Why'd you take the dog? What dog? Hey, he had my raincoat, i had his.
I was just gonna go and swap them.
Look, i will admit, if pressed, that i should not have patted the dog, but let me ask you this.
If there was a dodge on my part about the dog, why did i call the precinct to get the name of the owner of the dog? I don't know! With you and Wolfe, i never know! Look, i'm gonna open the bag here.
Ah, he's come for some free advice.
Oh, shut up! The man who was killed was philip kampf.
He lived on perry street, a few blocks from arbor.
He lived alone, with the dog no family.
Olson, the janitor, sees him arrive with the dog on a leash at 5:20 this afternoon.
15 minutes later, the dog comes out with a tenant named victor talento.
He says he saw the dog in the vestibule, thought it was a stray and chase somebody starts yelling.
(barking) Olsos down and sees two men in the foyer, one live, one dead.
The live one was Ross Chaffee, an artist who had a studio on the top floor.
The dead one is philip kampf.
We got onto the dog because Stebbins found the leash in the pocket of kampf's raincoat.
The lab says he was strangled with the leash.
All four tenants of the house were home when kampf arrived.
Victor talento, a lawyer who lived on the ground floor, had left, but the rest of them Chaffee, meegan and Jerome Aland, a night club performer were still there.
Of course, none of them heard or saw a thing, but kampf went there to see one of those four men, and he had his dog with him.
So my theory is, that dog is my witness.
Well, the animal seems quite intelligent, but i doubt he's up to answeriestions.
Yeah, but he saw and heard it all.
And it's possible he was actually there when kampf was killed.
That's why we're gonna take it there to see which door he goes to.
And we're gonna do that now.
I got a guy out in my car who knows dogs.
Ah.
Archie, go to your room.
Go to my room? Go up to your room.
Theodore has put the parakeet in your room.
Go up and see that he's all right.
Parakeet? Wolfe, let's get back to the dogs.
Go to your room.
Now! Lock yourself up! I want the dog.
I went.
It was either that or quit my job on the spot, and i resign only when we haven't got company.
Jet was waiting patiently where i left him.
(door shuts) All clear? (Wolfe) No, wait until i bolt it.
All right! Now, you stay here.
That's it, jet.
A pretty mess! You sneak a dog in here to badger me, and now this.
Forget it, you're the one who bollucksed this up.
And all because you felt sorry for an orphan.
I thought that my disinclination to permit a policeman to storm in here and commandeer any person or object that struck his fancy was shared by you! Well, it is, within reason.
Don't be ambiguous.
Clearly, the simplest way to settle this matter is to find out who killed mr.
Kampf.
Oh! Of course, that follows, yes.
And right now we have the prime witness sitting upstairs.
Yes, a witness who can't testify.
We must do better than that.
Luckily, we have a pretext for an immediate exploration.
You can go there to get your raincoat.
Right now? Yes.
Well, i'll be damned.
No client, no fee, no nothing except for a dog with a wide skull for brain room.
I will be damned.
(Archie) Very sloppy.
I would have waited 10 more paces before i started.
Victor talento.
No comment.
I'm not a reporter.
I'm not interested.
Okay, well, if you're out for a midnight stroll, forget it, sorry i interrupted.
But if you're heading for something you wanna keep private, you oughta know, you got a homicide dick on your tail.
Now look, uh, don't look around or scream or anything like that or he'll know i'm telling you.
This your good deed for the day? No, i'm Archie goodwin.
I'm out for Nero Wolfe.
Who hired Wolfe to investigate? I don't know, good question.
He says he needs the practice.
So i'm out just trying to gather a seam.
I can't help you.
A woman phoned me, and i arranged to meet her.
But she has nothing to do with this business.
And i have i have no right to expose her to any embarrassment.
Damn it! Can't be sure of shaking that man off.
Or me.
You mean you'd follow me too? Sure, i need practice myself.
Too bad you won't reciprocate.
I see you've earned your reputation as scum, goodwin.
You are the one who is about to expose your lady friend.
I'm supposed to meet her three blocks from here.
You might be willing to go tell her i'm not coming.
Sure, where's the appointment? The wo the woman's name is Jewel Jones.
She's extremely pretty and she'll be at the southeast corner of christopher and grove at midnight.
Tell her i'll get in touch with her tomorrow.
Right.
Uh, you see, the problem is, how would i know i'm not shaking hands with a murderer? Have a nice night.
Miss Jones.
Victor.
Who are you? Victor sent me with a message.
Now, i have anted up half of his name, half of your name now it's your turn.
But who are you? I'm gonna count to 10.
One, two-three, four my name is jewel Jones.
His name is victor talento.
That's better.
There's some things i need to tell you.
Give me your right ear.
I gave her the whole crop.
And by the time i finished, she'd developed a healthy frown.
Damn it! Come and put me in a taxi.
That's fine, but we get in a taxi, we're gonna go straight to Nero Wolfe's place.
We? Are you crazy? Well, it's either that, or i can take you to a homicide detective named Stebbins, and you can discuss with him why it is that you and victor talento did not wanna be seen together.
We could always do that, it's your choice, of course.
Oh, i'll discuss it with you.
I wouldn't mind that.
We'll go somewhere.
See, i know you're the kind of man i could talk to, you'd understand.
I have the feeling you could thaw me in about four or five hours, and your voice could thaw a refrigerator, but we don't have time for that now.
Of course, that didn't stop her from trying.
And i was feeling quite brotherly by the time we got to the brownstone on 35th street.
(knocking) Good evening, mr.
Goodwin.
Good evening, mr.
Brenner.
Miss Jones? She's here to marry mr.
Wolfe.
Ah, well i see you've made some advances withmydog.
The creature was alone and whining in your room and hungry.
I brought company, but before i introduce you to miss jewel Jones nts of 29 but before i introduce you to miss jewarbor street are men.
Can't deny that.
Yet you produce a female.
I can chase her out if you'd like, but, well, i would've grilled her myself, but let me tell you something, it would've been far too risky.
Confound it.
Bring her! I see.
Can you tell us what the dog's name is? That's funny.
Phooey, obviously, he knows you well.
And he belonged to mr.
Kampf.
And he belonged mr.
Kampf well.
What is the dog's name? Bootsy.
Bootsy? Oh, heavens.
No other name? Not that i know of.
And your name is jewel Jones.
Yes, i sing in a night club.
But i'm not working right now.
Believe me, mr.
Wolfe, if i knew anything that could help i'd be perfectly willing to tell you, because i'm sure you're the kind of man that understands.
(sneezes) Go on, don't mind me.
I try to understand.
So, you knew mr.
Kampf intimately? Not lately.
Not for the past two months.
But, for nearly a year we were, as you say.
When did you see him last? Intimately? At all.
Intimately? At all.
T a month ago he came to the club and spoke to me there.
There was no quarrel? What was there to quarrel about? W what was there mr.
Talento intimately? About? I used to live there.
With mr.
Talento? No, i never live with a man.
I had the second-floor apartment.
But about two months ago i got a little apartment on east 49th street.
So, you knew the others too mr.
Meegan, mr.
Chaffee and mr.
Aland? Well, i know Ross and jerry.
But who's meegan? He's a tenant at 29 arbor street, second floor.
Oh, well, sure, that's the floor i had.
I hope ttable for him.
I just hate furnished apartments, don't you? Yes, in principle, yes i do.
I take it now, that you have your own furniture.
Supplied by mr kampf? I see you didn't know phil kampf.
Not supplied by him, then? A great big no.
By mr.
Chaffee? Mr.
Aland? No and no.
Look, mr.
Wolfe, a friend of mine was mighty nice about that furniture, and we'll just leave it at that.
I could report the rest of it, but it wouldn't get you any further than it did Wolfe.
Around 1:30, i took her to 10th avenue and put her in a taxi.
Ah where's bootsy? Huh? No.
Ah, where's jet? Down in Fritz's room.
Why? You don't like him, do you? Oh, that's not true.
But if it means you can't blame him on me, fine.
Cramer will be here tomorrow with a writ to take him away anyway.
No.
Yeah, i offer up 20 to 1 he'll be here before noon.
That was roughly my own estimate of the probability.
It seemed an unfair manner to settle this obligation that you have brought upon us, so i phoned inspector cramer and arranged for you to be there throughout this fatuous performance the police have in mind.
While there, you may flush out, perhaps, someone more contributive than that volatile demirep! Well, i'll have to look that up, but i resent it on principle.
Oh, what a beautiful boy, what's his name? Ah, bootsy.
Oh no, what a hell of a name.
Who did that to you, boy? He should've bit you when you kidnapped him.
You got it wrong there, Purley, it's women who bite me.
You know, i've often wondered, who bites you, what bites you, where do they bite you? Wouldn't where is the body? The bottom of the stairs.
In his apartment, m then used the leash to finish him.
Took a lot of nerve to carry the body down the stairs to the lower hall.
Of the dog was outside at the time on the street.
Talento had chased him out.
Uh, so talento's clean? No, nobody's clean.
If it was talento who did it, he'd just put the dog in the vestibule first, drag the body down, then let him out when he left.
Wow, that required a lot of thinking there, Purley.
Anything wrong with it? Depends on the dog and how the dog responds.
There wasn't any blood.
Then that's how i'm buying it.
Come on, i've already prepped the tenants.
About time! Hello, bootsy.
Ohhh! Goddamn it, i told you not to speak.
Ah, so you did.
I'm sorry, i forgot.
Do you want to try it again? No, that's all, come on.
Uh, you said in your statement that you didn't know the dog.
What? Yeah, you said that you thought it was a stray so you chased it away.
I was in a hurry, i'm in a hurry now.
The district attorney wants to see me downtown.
Yes, but (Purley) Goodwin! Take a look at the dog.
Now pat it.
Pat it yourself.
You ever seen it before? No.
A labrador can't be expected to go for a man's throat.
They're not that kind of dog.
Thanks, i'll remember that.
(knocking) Come on, Aland! The dog don't like me! The dog's on a leash! (barking) Once at a party at phil kampf's i didn't try to hurt it, but it thought i did.
(barking) What are you trying to do, frame me? We're making the rounds here, mr.
Aland.
We just wanted to include you, okay? (barking) (Purley) Okay? Pat him, then.
Hello, beautiful.
Huh? Do you know your master's gone? Gone for good? Anything else? Come on, i'm working.
I like to use the morning light.
That's all, thanks.
Come on.
Loftus, give him the damn dog.
I'm willing to give a detailed analysis of the dog's conduct.
It will take about a week.
Go to hell.
Take the other dumb mutt with you.
(whistles) Here we are.
Gee, thanks.
For what? Down payment on my cab? Ah, you'll earn it, brother.
No, no, ahh! Come on, you're not serious? For five bucks? I'll come back and get him and i'll be very reasonable.
Theey came from.
I'll be right back there, jet.
What are you doing, pooch? (Archie) Getting information was gonna be very tricky.
My plan was to let the tenants assume after seeing me with the dog and Purley Stebbins that i worked with the homicide division.
But that meant i couldn't bring up jewel Jones i've told you a dozen all right, all right, who was the previous tenant before him? I've told you, a girl had it.
I've told you, she was a fine artist.
I told you she was the girl that gave me the job at the night club where i work.
Died like a dog, that's what he did.
Poor phil.
Died like a dog.
Did she know philip kampf? Who, jewel? I guess so.
Sure she did.
Poor phil he died like a dog.
Like a dog, i tell you.
Ah, mr.
Meegan, yes.
Sorry, i just need to go over, i need to recheck haven't i seen you before? Yeah, when i was in Nero Wolfe's office, yeah? Uh, ye there on business, uh right now i'm here on business.
Say, how did you come to take this apartment? Ah, mr.
Meegan, you know, you might have omitted something important.
I'm a commercial photographer from pittsburgh.
Two years ago i married a girl, margaret ryan.
Seven months later she left me.
She left pittsburgh, too.
Anyway, i couldn't find her and her family didn't hear from her.
Ah, did you go to the police? No, i didn't want to.
You want a better reason, but that's mine.
Ah, skip it, go on.
Three weeks ago i go to a show at the art institute.
There was an oil, a big one.
"Three mares in a pasture".
There were three women in it.
And one of them was my wife.
I recognized her right away.
What did you do? The artist's signature said Ross Chaffee.
The catalog said he lives in new york.
And so, i came here.
He fed me this line that he used so many different models in his pictures that he couldn't remember which was which.
It was so phony i got a little tactless with him.
I'm a photographer.
I might forget a model who sits with me for a day, she sat with him for at least a month.
And so he was a phony.
Coming in the apartment, i seen a sign that said there was an apartment for let, so i rented it.
I wanted to be as close to Chaffee as i could and all the people that came to see him.
There were models, of course, talento, Aland.
(chuckles) And some guy that Chaffee says buys his stuff, a mr.
Braunstein.
Uh-huh, mm-hmm.
Well, what did you learn from philip kampf? Nothin'.
I've already told you that i've never seen or heard of him.
I've told you that t hmm, all right.
Uh, what would you say if i said to you that you have been seen with him? Yo i'd say? You're a dirty liar.
My dear sir, do you mean to say you think i'm lying? There are those who find it hard to believe, mr.
Chaffee, that you couldn't remember who modelled for such an important painting.
To what end? What deep design am i cherishing? Look, mr.
Chaffee, i don't expect a man like you to pass out dirt just for the hell of it.
But any dirt connected with this murder is coming out.
And if you're keeping any for yourself, well then, you're a bigger fool than you look.
Quite a speech.
Thanks.
Now you make one.
You have my opinion of kampf, whom i knew quite well.
He was, in some respects, admirable, but he had his full share of faults.
Yes, i gather, uh, despite his inheritance, he was not free with a buck? Yes, that.
And he had a peculiar well, a cruel sense of humor.
But that's hardly a reason to be killed.
A tragedy, really.
Uh, guys, sorry, how many days? I see.
Address? Well, thank you very much, you've been most helpful.
(clears throat) Satisfactory, little man.
Heh, shake my hand.
(sighs) (muttering) Did you say something? Uh, no, i did not, no.
Ah, well then, proceed.
Sorry, i thought your interests were elsewhere.
I went down to 29 arbor street (Archie) I reported.
When i came to the end, he asked no questions.
Instead, he opened his eyes and started giving orders.
Instead, he opened his eyes and started giving orders.
Call the way ahead of you.
I called the art institute of pittsburgh.
The show that was seen by meegan ended a week yesterday.
The picture was lent by a herman braunstein of new york, the same herman braunstein that mr.
Meegan saw at 29 arbor street.
The picture was sent back by express four days ago.
Well, so, get him.
No, i don't think so, he may be a poop.
Why don't i go to the residence without phoning? The picture's probably there now.
If i can't get in, you could always fire me.
I'm thinking of resigning anyway, so.
Oh, were you? Since it was my idea, he had his doubts, but he bought it.
I explained to mrs.
Braunstein that a client of mine wanted to photograph "three mares and a pasture" for his collection.
Whnvented all the identification she required, she led me through the arch into a room she led me through the arch into a room yes! not quite as big as madison square garden.
(phone rings) Speak.
Oh, that's a hell of a way to answer the phone.
Yes or no? I've seen the picture i wouldn't have thought the stallion had it in him.
How it glows with color and light.
It's as if you can feel and see the blood pulsate under the warm skin.
Shut up! Yes or no? Yes, yes, you've met mrs.
Meegan, would you like to meet her again? I would.
Oh, Archie.
You know, i ee you, but i couldn't resist.
Cut it, doll.
I just came from herr braunstein's apartment where i saw the most interesting painting.
What? Yes.
Well come in and tell.
Well, sorry, but i'm not so sure i should.
See, i'm afraid of young mares.
I was kicked by one once.
So i'll wait here while you get dressed.
Wear something yellow, Wolfe dislikes red.
But l go on or i'll go get richard meegan! Don't call me mrs.
Meegan.
Mrs.
Meegan, l don'tcall me mrs.
Meegan! I am only stressing the fact that your, your identity is not ussion.
Anymore! You are legally mrs.
Richard meegan.
Now, sit down, please! Wolfe was in as bad a humor as she was he had been compelled to tell Fritz to postpone lunch.
You are a mpetent liar, madam.
And your offhand denial last night of knowing mr.
Meegan was more than competent.
When did mr.
Chaffee tell you that your husband was in town looking for you? I didn't say he had.
When the police learn that it was you they don't have to learn about me, do they? Phooey! Well, wait why didn't i think of this before? You're a detective.
You help people in trouble, and i'm in trouble.
I'll pay you to help me.
Not now, not ever, miss Jones.
Now, when did mr.
Chaffee tell you that your husband was looking for you? Well, you won't even listen to me! Well, if you say something intelligent, i might! (sighs) My husband was jealous about me before we got married.
And after, he got worse.
It got bad really bad.
Finally, it got so bad, i left.
I came to new york, found a job and made friends.
I modelled for Ross, and phil kampf found me a job singing.
I modelled for Ross, and phil i thought i was safe.
Singing.
And then, all of a sudden, Ross phones me and tells me that my husband is here.
I begged him not to tell.
An idiotic strategy.
The only reason my husband wants to find me is so he can kill me.
Has he ever killed anyone? I didn't say "anyone", i said me.
I don't know what it is, men just go for me.
Did mr.
Aland go for you? Mr.
Talento, did he go for you? They're friends of mine.
They said they wouldn't tell and they didn't.
Now i can pay you $40 to start well, that's just to start.
I'm not just in trouble, i'm in danger of my life, really i am.
You're not listening! Get mr.
Chaffee.
No, i don't want him to know.
Nonsense, everyone will have to know everything.
Ah, yes, mr.
Chaffee? Yes, mr.
Wolfe would like to speak to you.
Mr.
Chaffee, i need to speak to you and the other tenants of 29 arbor street as soon as possible.
Of course it's important! Well, if you want to take less time, then round them up and get them all together and bring them here.
All at once, yes! How should i know how you are going to do that? Well, i could suggest that if mr.
Eegan is balking, that you tell him that his wife is here.
No! Ross! Don't tell him, don't! (barking) Don't bring him here, Ross, don't! As soon as possible.
Don't tell him! Take it easy, take it easy.
Truly an affecting sight.
Greetings.
Before you ask, i will be happy to discuss my split personality as a homicide dick and a private eye after you've spoken with mr.
Wolfe.
(clamoring) You go climb a rope.
What with miss Jones' theory that her husband might kill her right on the spot, and the fact that one of youdidkill poor phil, i've taken a precaution.
Now, the gun is loaded, as you can see.
It's just a precaution, one never knows.
Please, right this way.
(Archie) I kept miss Jones in the front room until i had them seated in the office.
(Archie) Anywhere but the red chair, that's it.
(sighs) Yeah? Yeah.
You little whore.
No, don't touch me! (barking) (Aland) See what you've done, goodwin? She had the damsel-in-distress bit down to a science.
On the other hand, i had begun to believe that she had a reason.
(Archie) Right this way right here.
Well, ahem, now that this hubbub is over, i'll proceed.
I've not been hired to work on this case.
The only client i have is a dog.
And he came to my office by inadvertence.
(clears throat) Inspector cramer, sir.
I suppose this was to be expected.
Luckily, mr.
Cramer, your usual chair is unoccupied.
You know the gentlemen, of course, but not the lady.
Her current name is jewel Jones.
Her legal name is mrs.
Richard meegan.
Meegan? Meegan's wife? The one in the picture? How did you get her? That can wait.
No interruptions.
No demands for 30 minutes.
No, i don't have to if you interrupt again, by heaven, you can take all these people down to your headquarters, or whatever, and you can hash it out yourself! Ahh but before i come to that, one point: I offer no comment to your guile with mr.
Meegan.
I will even concede that there was a flavor of gallantry in it.
But what you could not know was that mr.
Meegan had been to see me that morning.
(Chaffee) What? Meegan hired you? I knew something wasn't right.
I refused the job, of course, and he stormed out in a temper, taking mr.
Goodwin's raincoat instead of his own.
Oh, we know all that, what i want to know is hackneyed and dull.
Mr.
Meegan, some two hours ago, i learned that you maintain that you have never met philip kampf.
I would like to hear it straight from you.
Did you ever meet philip kampf? No.
You don't wish to qualify that? No.
Then whose raincoat hangs on the rack in that hallway? About? Then whose raincoat hangs on the rack in that hallway? G the raincoat that you brought into this house is in the hall now, there on the rack.
I've heard of your tricks, Wolfe.
What, did you plant something on it? I will now ask the question that no one has had the wit to ask in this whole investigation.
Why did the dog follow mr.
Goodwin through the turmoil of the city? That he is irresistible both to dogs and women.
And doubtless his vanity impeded his intellect, or he would have reached the same conclusion that i did.
The dog did n the dog followed the coat.
(cramer) Oh, that smells.
How do you account for kampf's dog following meegan's coat? I couldn't, i can't.
However, it was unquestionably mr.
Kampf's dog, therefore, it couldn't have been mr.
Meegan's coat.
It is better than a conjecture that it was mr.
Kampf's coat.
What are you talking about, Wolfe? Where did you get it, mr.
Meegan? Come on, come on! This is a dirty frame.
That it is mr.
Kampf's can be readily established by examining it, sir.
You can't prove that's the coat that i left here, Wolfe.
I warn you, sir, you are in deadly peril.
It was she, huh? Huh? It was she that put you against me, huh?! Have you any explanation of how mr.
Kampf's coat came into your possession? No!! And i don'u big blob! Then you are done for, sir.
For your own coat must be somewhere, and i think i know where it is.
In the police laboratory.
If you won't explain how you got mr.
Kampf's coat, then explain how he came to wearing yours! (jewel) I knew it, i knew it! He wanted to kill me, so he killed phil! (screaming) That's enough.
Now, sit down! Sit down, sit down! How do you know that, madam? Because phil told me he wanted me to come back to him and i wouldn't.
You (cramer) That's enough! Then he comes and tells me that if i don't come back and be with him, he'll tell dick how to find me.
So, i promised i would, and he laughed.
He said he had to go see dick again anyway because dick had gone off with his raincoat.
Phil thought it was funny that dick had his raincoat and he had dick's wife.
I'll bet that's just what he told you, huh? I bet he told you that i was coming back to him and he thought that was a good trade a raincoat for a wife! A raincoat a raincoat for a, for a wife.
(laughing) Come on, buddy, let's go, let's go.
Come on, get up! (sobbing) (Aland) Sweetheart, don't cry.
(cramer) Oh, cheese and rice.
All right, i want everybody down at the station, everybody including you, Wolfe! If there's one thing on earth Nero Wolfe will not be in the room with, it's a woman in eruption.
Is it over? Don't leave me.
Please don't leave.
Jet.
Come on.
I just want to get a full report at te station.
Captionin a&e television netwo rks soundwriters™
Another mistake.
He took my raincoat instead of his.
I had started to return it, but when i got to his apartment, i didn't enter it.
There was a party going on outside.
(man) Come on, give me a break.
Just give me a little information.
One story's all i need.
Can i get a photographer? Whose dog is this? Hey! Whose dog is this? Give us some information (Archie) The presence of Purley Stebbins made it a cinch that there was a corpse inside the building.
Sure that's not your dog? Huh? No, no, the wife's allergic.
And my presence at the scene of a homicide arouses all of Purley's worst instincts.
I decided to get my raincoat back some other time.
(barks) What? I'm not your pal.
Go on.
Go on.
(barks) Stay.
I am not your pal.
Now, you must go back to where you were.
My idea was to call the a.
s.
p.
c.
a.
For help, but there was no sense in passing up an opportunity to annoy Wolfe.
Where the devil have you been? We were supposed to go over the orchid list.
What's that? Uh, it's a dog.
I'm in no temper for buffoonery, get it out of here.
No, sir, you have your orchids, Fritz has his turtle.
Theodore has his parakeets why shouldn't i have a dog? We'll have to change his name, of course, 'cause i wouldn't want us to confuse the two of you.
Ebony would do, or jet, or inky, or stop babbling! It's not a hound, it's a labrador retriever.
Well, i say hound because it would be natural for a private detective to have a hound.
Labradors have a wider skull than any other dog for brain room.
A dog i had when i was a boy in montenegro had a rather narrow skull, but i did not regard that as a defect, i do not recall thinking that the dog had a defect.
So, when, when you smuggled that creaturere, did you take into account the disruption it might cause in this household? Don't worry, don't worry, i will get rid of the dog.
I do feel the need for a pet.
Perhaps i'll try a chameleon.
No.
No? No, i do not wish to interfere with the commitment that you've made.
I haven't made a commitment.
Then where did it come from? Followed me home.
All right, look, i'm gonna call an animal shelter, and i'll, uh no! No? No! Why? Call someone from the police department and give them the license number and locate the owner.
And then you will call the owner directly.
No no, i don't think so, because, you see, if the owner is dead or in jail, you'll take the position that i have committed myself by bringing the dog home.
Well, it would be dishonorable for you to renege.
Yeah, you'd enjoy having a dog around, provided you could blame it on me.
I think that name that you suggested jet would be acceptable for this dog.
I like inky.
It's a stupid name.
It's a name that would demean, even demean a dog.
Jet is the dog's name.
I wasn't being serious when i said jet.
Dinner is served, sir.
(bark) Is the animal dining with you? Phooey! That's ebony, Fritz.
Jet.
Fritz, this animal, this hound, uh, is named inky.
No, his name is jet.
Jet? Well, his manners seem to be adequate, but i would prefer to test them in the kitchen.
Ah, bien sur.
Come.
That's loyalty for you.
(Archie) The squabs were absolutely edible, but other phenomena of that evening were not so pleasing.
The basenji is the oldest breed on earth, originating in central africa, 5000 b.
c.
Of course, there was no trace of the afghan hound before 4000 b.
c.
Fritz.
Fritz.
Ated a capacity for restraint, vis-a-vis food? For a dog he has remarkable control.
You wouldn't find him to be an incorrigible nuisance as a cohabitant? No.
Of course, uh, they need time.
They must be walked and fed, but for such a noble beast, i suppose we, uh, could make the sacrifice.
Well, we must suffer him, in any case, for Archie's sake.
Yeah, yeah, right, for my sake.
Ah.
Clearly, they were prepared to become charter members of the canine canonization league.
Next thing you know, we'd have box seats at the westminster dog show.
(Fritz) Jet! Put down that squab! Jet! Drop it! Drop it, jet! (barking, crashing) (doorbell rings) You never come after dinner.
Cut the crap, goodwin, and tell me where the dog is.
The owner of t?? Dog was murdered this afternoon.
The officer at the scene recognized you and said you enticed the dog to go off with you! I did not entice.
Oh, the dog just followed you.
Hey, dogs follow me, girls follow me.
Skip the comedy! The dog belonged to the victim of the murder.
And you removed it from the murder scene.
To top it off, one of the tenants from 29 arbor street was by here today to talk to you richard meegan.
What the hell was that all about? That's not your business.
Go on.
This the last people i want near a homicide scene is you or goodwin.
But i knew you were there.
And i wanna know how and why, and what and when and who? You're wasting your time.
In mr.
Meegan's first breath, he mentioned his wife.
Yeah, yeah my vanity bristles at the thought of taking a job like that.
Yeah, i know, Wolfe and i stopped him, my bluntness enraged him, and he stormed off with mr.
Goodwin's raincoat.
M, so that's why you went there.
Why'd you take the dog? What dog? Hey, he had my raincoat, i had his.
I was just gonna go and swap them.
Look, i will admit, if pressed, that i should not have patted the dog, but let me ask you this.
If there was a dodge on my part about the dog, why did i call the precinct to get the name of the owner of the dog? I don't know! With you and Wolfe, i never know! Look, i'm gonna open the bag here.
Ah, he's come for some free advice.
Oh, shut up! The man who was killed was philip kampf.
He lived on perry street, a few blocks from arbor.
He lived alone, with the dog no family.
Olson, the janitor, sees him arrive with the dog on a leash at 5:20 this afternoon.
15 minutes later, the dog comes out with a tenant named victor talento.
He says he saw the dog in the vestibule, thought it was a stray and chase somebody starts yelling.
(barking) Olsos down and sees two men in the foyer, one live, one dead.
The live one was Ross Chaffee, an artist who had a studio on the top floor.
The dead one is philip kampf.
We got onto the dog because Stebbins found the leash in the pocket of kampf's raincoat.
The lab says he was strangled with the leash.
All four tenants of the house were home when kampf arrived.
Victor talento, a lawyer who lived on the ground floor, had left, but the rest of them Chaffee, meegan and Jerome Aland, a night club performer were still there.
Of course, none of them heard or saw a thing, but kampf went there to see one of those four men, and he had his dog with him.
So my theory is, that dog is my witness.
Well, the animal seems quite intelligent, but i doubt he's up to answeriestions.
Yeah, but he saw and heard it all.
And it's possible he was actually there when kampf was killed.
That's why we're gonna take it there to see which door he goes to.
And we're gonna do that now.
I got a guy out in my car who knows dogs.
Ah.
Archie, go to your room.
Go to my room? Go up to your room.
Theodore has put the parakeet in your room.
Go up and see that he's all right.
Parakeet? Wolfe, let's get back to the dogs.
Go to your room.
Now! Lock yourself up! I want the dog.
I went.
It was either that or quit my job on the spot, and i resign only when we haven't got company.
Jet was waiting patiently where i left him.
(door shuts) All clear? (Wolfe) No, wait until i bolt it.
All right! Now, you stay here.
That's it, jet.
A pretty mess! You sneak a dog in here to badger me, and now this.
Forget it, you're the one who bollucksed this up.
And all because you felt sorry for an orphan.
I thought that my disinclination to permit a policeman to storm in here and commandeer any person or object that struck his fancy was shared by you! Well, it is, within reason.
Don't be ambiguous.
Clearly, the simplest way to settle this matter is to find out who killed mr.
Kampf.
Oh! Of course, that follows, yes.
And right now we have the prime witness sitting upstairs.
Yes, a witness who can't testify.
We must do better than that.
Luckily, we have a pretext for an immediate exploration.
You can go there to get your raincoat.
Right now? Yes.
Well, i'll be damned.
No client, no fee, no nothing except for a dog with a wide skull for brain room.
I will be damned.
(Archie) Very sloppy.
I would have waited 10 more paces before i started.
Victor talento.
No comment.
I'm not a reporter.
I'm not interested.
Okay, well, if you're out for a midnight stroll, forget it, sorry i interrupted.
But if you're heading for something you wanna keep private, you oughta know, you got a homicide dick on your tail.
Now look, uh, don't look around or scream or anything like that or he'll know i'm telling you.
This your good deed for the day? No, i'm Archie goodwin.
I'm out for Nero Wolfe.
Who hired Wolfe to investigate? I don't know, good question.
He says he needs the practice.
So i'm out just trying to gather a seam.
I can't help you.
A woman phoned me, and i arranged to meet her.
But she has nothing to do with this business.
And i have i have no right to expose her to any embarrassment.
Damn it! Can't be sure of shaking that man off.
Or me.
You mean you'd follow me too? Sure, i need practice myself.
Too bad you won't reciprocate.
I see you've earned your reputation as scum, goodwin.
You are the one who is about to expose your lady friend.
I'm supposed to meet her three blocks from here.
You might be willing to go tell her i'm not coming.
Sure, where's the appointment? The wo the woman's name is Jewel Jones.
She's extremely pretty and she'll be at the southeast corner of christopher and grove at midnight.
Tell her i'll get in touch with her tomorrow.
Right.
Uh, you see, the problem is, how would i know i'm not shaking hands with a murderer? Have a nice night.
Miss Jones.
Victor.
Who are you? Victor sent me with a message.
Now, i have anted up half of his name, half of your name now it's your turn.
But who are you? I'm gonna count to 10.
One, two-three, four my name is jewel Jones.
His name is victor talento.
That's better.
There's some things i need to tell you.
Give me your right ear.
I gave her the whole crop.
And by the time i finished, she'd developed a healthy frown.
Damn it! Come and put me in a taxi.
That's fine, but we get in a taxi, we're gonna go straight to Nero Wolfe's place.
We? Are you crazy? Well, it's either that, or i can take you to a homicide detective named Stebbins, and you can discuss with him why it is that you and victor talento did not wanna be seen together.
We could always do that, it's your choice, of course.
Oh, i'll discuss it with you.
I wouldn't mind that.
We'll go somewhere.
See, i know you're the kind of man i could talk to, you'd understand.
I have the feeling you could thaw me in about four or five hours, and your voice could thaw a refrigerator, but we don't have time for that now.
Of course, that didn't stop her from trying.
And i was feeling quite brotherly by the time we got to the brownstone on 35th street.
(knocking) Good evening, mr.
Goodwin.
Good evening, mr.
Brenner.
Miss Jones? She's here to marry mr.
Wolfe.
Ah, well i see you've made some advances withmydog.
The creature was alone and whining in your room and hungry.
I brought company, but before i introduce you to miss jewel Jones nts of 29 but before i introduce you to miss jewarbor street are men.
Can't deny that.
Yet you produce a female.
I can chase her out if you'd like, but, well, i would've grilled her myself, but let me tell you something, it would've been far too risky.
Confound it.
Bring her! I see.
Can you tell us what the dog's name is? That's funny.
Phooey, obviously, he knows you well.
And he belonged to mr.
Kampf.
And he belonged mr.
Kampf well.
What is the dog's name? Bootsy.
Bootsy? Oh, heavens.
No other name? Not that i know of.
And your name is jewel Jones.
Yes, i sing in a night club.
But i'm not working right now.
Believe me, mr.
Wolfe, if i knew anything that could help i'd be perfectly willing to tell you, because i'm sure you're the kind of man that understands.
(sneezes) Go on, don't mind me.
I try to understand.
So, you knew mr.
Kampf intimately? Not lately.
Not for the past two months.
But, for nearly a year we were, as you say.
When did you see him last? Intimately? At all.
Intimately? At all.
T a month ago he came to the club and spoke to me there.
There was no quarrel? What was there to quarrel about? W what was there mr.
Talento intimately? About? I used to live there.
With mr.
Talento? No, i never live with a man.
I had the second-floor apartment.
But about two months ago i got a little apartment on east 49th street.
So, you knew the others too mr.
Meegan, mr.
Chaffee and mr.
Aland? Well, i know Ross and jerry.
But who's meegan? He's a tenant at 29 arbor street, second floor.
Oh, well, sure, that's the floor i had.
I hope ttable for him.
I just hate furnished apartments, don't you? Yes, in principle, yes i do.
I take it now, that you have your own furniture.
Supplied by mr kampf? I see you didn't know phil kampf.
Not supplied by him, then? A great big no.
By mr.
Chaffee? Mr.
Aland? No and no.
Look, mr.
Wolfe, a friend of mine was mighty nice about that furniture, and we'll just leave it at that.
I could report the rest of it, but it wouldn't get you any further than it did Wolfe.
Around 1:30, i took her to 10th avenue and put her in a taxi.
Ah where's bootsy? Huh? No.
Ah, where's jet? Down in Fritz's room.
Why? You don't like him, do you? Oh, that's not true.
But if it means you can't blame him on me, fine.
Cramer will be here tomorrow with a writ to take him away anyway.
No.
Yeah, i offer up 20 to 1 he'll be here before noon.
That was roughly my own estimate of the probability.
It seemed an unfair manner to settle this obligation that you have brought upon us, so i phoned inspector cramer and arranged for you to be there throughout this fatuous performance the police have in mind.
While there, you may flush out, perhaps, someone more contributive than that volatile demirep! Well, i'll have to look that up, but i resent it on principle.
Oh, what a beautiful boy, what's his name? Ah, bootsy.
Oh no, what a hell of a name.
Who did that to you, boy? He should've bit you when you kidnapped him.
You got it wrong there, Purley, it's women who bite me.
You know, i've often wondered, who bites you, what bites you, where do they bite you? Wouldn't where is the body? The bottom of the stairs.
In his apartment, m then used the leash to finish him.
Took a lot of nerve to carry the body down the stairs to the lower hall.
Of the dog was outside at the time on the street.
Talento had chased him out.
Uh, so talento's clean? No, nobody's clean.
If it was talento who did it, he'd just put the dog in the vestibule first, drag the body down, then let him out when he left.
Wow, that required a lot of thinking there, Purley.
Anything wrong with it? Depends on the dog and how the dog responds.
There wasn't any blood.
Then that's how i'm buying it.
Come on, i've already prepped the tenants.
About time! Hello, bootsy.
Ohhh! Goddamn it, i told you not to speak.
Ah, so you did.
I'm sorry, i forgot.
Do you want to try it again? No, that's all, come on.
Uh, you said in your statement that you didn't know the dog.
What? Yeah, you said that you thought it was a stray so you chased it away.
I was in a hurry, i'm in a hurry now.
The district attorney wants to see me downtown.
Yes, but (Purley) Goodwin! Take a look at the dog.
Now pat it.
Pat it yourself.
You ever seen it before? No.
A labrador can't be expected to go for a man's throat.
They're not that kind of dog.
Thanks, i'll remember that.
(knocking) Come on, Aland! The dog don't like me! The dog's on a leash! (barking) Once at a party at phil kampf's i didn't try to hurt it, but it thought i did.
(barking) What are you trying to do, frame me? We're making the rounds here, mr.
Aland.
We just wanted to include you, okay? (barking) (Purley) Okay? Pat him, then.
Hello, beautiful.
Huh? Do you know your master's gone? Gone for good? Anything else? Come on, i'm working.
I like to use the morning light.
That's all, thanks.
Come on.
Loftus, give him the damn dog.
I'm willing to give a detailed analysis of the dog's conduct.
It will take about a week.
Go to hell.
Take the other dumb mutt with you.
(whistles) Here we are.
Gee, thanks.
For what? Down payment on my cab? Ah, you'll earn it, brother.
No, no, ahh! Come on, you're not serious? For five bucks? I'll come back and get him and i'll be very reasonable.
Theey came from.
I'll be right back there, jet.
What are you doing, pooch? (Archie) Getting information was gonna be very tricky.
My plan was to let the tenants assume after seeing me with the dog and Purley Stebbins that i worked with the homicide division.
But that meant i couldn't bring up jewel Jones i've told you a dozen all right, all right, who was the previous tenant before him? I've told you, a girl had it.
I've told you, she was a fine artist.
I told you she was the girl that gave me the job at the night club where i work.
Died like a dog, that's what he did.
Poor phil.
Died like a dog.
Did she know philip kampf? Who, jewel? I guess so.
Sure she did.
Poor phil he died like a dog.
Like a dog, i tell you.
Ah, mr.
Meegan, yes.
Sorry, i just need to go over, i need to recheck haven't i seen you before? Yeah, when i was in Nero Wolfe's office, yeah? Uh, ye there on business, uh right now i'm here on business.
Say, how did you come to take this apartment? Ah, mr.
Meegan, you know, you might have omitted something important.
I'm a commercial photographer from pittsburgh.
Two years ago i married a girl, margaret ryan.
Seven months later she left me.
She left pittsburgh, too.
Anyway, i couldn't find her and her family didn't hear from her.
Ah, did you go to the police? No, i didn't want to.
You want a better reason, but that's mine.
Ah, skip it, go on.
Three weeks ago i go to a show at the art institute.
There was an oil, a big one.
"Three mares in a pasture".
There were three women in it.
And one of them was my wife.
I recognized her right away.
What did you do? The artist's signature said Ross Chaffee.
The catalog said he lives in new york.
And so, i came here.
He fed me this line that he used so many different models in his pictures that he couldn't remember which was which.
It was so phony i got a little tactless with him.
I'm a photographer.
I might forget a model who sits with me for a day, she sat with him for at least a month.
And so he was a phony.
Coming in the apartment, i seen a sign that said there was an apartment for let, so i rented it.
I wanted to be as close to Chaffee as i could and all the people that came to see him.
There were models, of course, talento, Aland.
(chuckles) And some guy that Chaffee says buys his stuff, a mr.
Braunstein.
Uh-huh, mm-hmm.
Well, what did you learn from philip kampf? Nothin'.
I've already told you that i've never seen or heard of him.
I've told you that t hmm, all right.
Uh, what would you say if i said to you that you have been seen with him? Yo i'd say? You're a dirty liar.
My dear sir, do you mean to say you think i'm lying? There are those who find it hard to believe, mr.
Chaffee, that you couldn't remember who modelled for such an important painting.
To what end? What deep design am i cherishing? Look, mr.
Chaffee, i don't expect a man like you to pass out dirt just for the hell of it.
But any dirt connected with this murder is coming out.
And if you're keeping any for yourself, well then, you're a bigger fool than you look.
Quite a speech.
Thanks.
Now you make one.
You have my opinion of kampf, whom i knew quite well.
He was, in some respects, admirable, but he had his full share of faults.
Yes, i gather, uh, despite his inheritance, he was not free with a buck? Yes, that.
And he had a peculiar well, a cruel sense of humor.
But that's hardly a reason to be killed.
A tragedy, really.
Uh, guys, sorry, how many days? I see.
Address? Well, thank you very much, you've been most helpful.
(clears throat) Satisfactory, little man.
Heh, shake my hand.
(sighs) (muttering) Did you say something? Uh, no, i did not, no.
Ah, well then, proceed.
Sorry, i thought your interests were elsewhere.
I went down to 29 arbor street (Archie) I reported.
When i came to the end, he asked no questions.
Instead, he opened his eyes and started giving orders.
Instead, he opened his eyes and started giving orders.
Call the way ahead of you.
I called the art institute of pittsburgh.
The show that was seen by meegan ended a week yesterday.
The picture was lent by a herman braunstein of new york, the same herman braunstein that mr.
Meegan saw at 29 arbor street.
The picture was sent back by express four days ago.
Well, so, get him.
No, i don't think so, he may be a poop.
Why don't i go to the residence without phoning? The picture's probably there now.
If i can't get in, you could always fire me.
I'm thinking of resigning anyway, so.
Oh, were you? Since it was my idea, he had his doubts, but he bought it.
I explained to mrs.
Braunstein that a client of mine wanted to photograph "three mares and a pasture" for his collection.
Whnvented all the identification she required, she led me through the arch into a room she led me through the arch into a room yes! not quite as big as madison square garden.
(phone rings) Speak.
Oh, that's a hell of a way to answer the phone.
Yes or no? I've seen the picture i wouldn't have thought the stallion had it in him.
How it glows with color and light.
It's as if you can feel and see the blood pulsate under the warm skin.
Shut up! Yes or no? Yes, yes, you've met mrs.
Meegan, would you like to meet her again? I would.
Oh, Archie.
You know, i ee you, but i couldn't resist.
Cut it, doll.
I just came from herr braunstein's apartment where i saw the most interesting painting.
What? Yes.
Well come in and tell.
Well, sorry, but i'm not so sure i should.
See, i'm afraid of young mares.
I was kicked by one once.
So i'll wait here while you get dressed.
Wear something yellow, Wolfe dislikes red.
But l go on or i'll go get richard meegan! Don't call me mrs.
Meegan.
Mrs.
Meegan, l don'tcall me mrs.
Meegan! I am only stressing the fact that your, your identity is not ussion.
Anymore! You are legally mrs.
Richard meegan.
Now, sit down, please! Wolfe was in as bad a humor as she was he had been compelled to tell Fritz to postpone lunch.
You are a mpetent liar, madam.
And your offhand denial last night of knowing mr.
Meegan was more than competent.
When did mr.
Chaffee tell you that your husband was in town looking for you? I didn't say he had.
When the police learn that it was you they don't have to learn about me, do they? Phooey! Well, wait why didn't i think of this before? You're a detective.
You help people in trouble, and i'm in trouble.
I'll pay you to help me.
Not now, not ever, miss Jones.
Now, when did mr.
Chaffee tell you that your husband was looking for you? Well, you won't even listen to me! Well, if you say something intelligent, i might! (sighs) My husband was jealous about me before we got married.
And after, he got worse.
It got bad really bad.
Finally, it got so bad, i left.
I came to new york, found a job and made friends.
I modelled for Ross, and phil kampf found me a job singing.
I modelled for Ross, and phil i thought i was safe.
Singing.
And then, all of a sudden, Ross phones me and tells me that my husband is here.
I begged him not to tell.
An idiotic strategy.
The only reason my husband wants to find me is so he can kill me.
Has he ever killed anyone? I didn't say "anyone", i said me.
I don't know what it is, men just go for me.
Did mr.
Aland go for you? Mr.
Talento, did he go for you? They're friends of mine.
They said they wouldn't tell and they didn't.
Now i can pay you $40 to start well, that's just to start.
I'm not just in trouble, i'm in danger of my life, really i am.
You're not listening! Get mr.
Chaffee.
No, i don't want him to know.
Nonsense, everyone will have to know everything.
Ah, yes, mr.
Chaffee? Yes, mr.
Wolfe would like to speak to you.
Mr.
Chaffee, i need to speak to you and the other tenants of 29 arbor street as soon as possible.
Of course it's important! Well, if you want to take less time, then round them up and get them all together and bring them here.
All at once, yes! How should i know how you are going to do that? Well, i could suggest that if mr.
Eegan is balking, that you tell him that his wife is here.
No! Ross! Don't tell him, don't! (barking) Don't bring him here, Ross, don't! As soon as possible.
Don't tell him! Take it easy, take it easy.
Truly an affecting sight.
Greetings.
Before you ask, i will be happy to discuss my split personality as a homicide dick and a private eye after you've spoken with mr.
Wolfe.
(clamoring) You go climb a rope.
What with miss Jones' theory that her husband might kill her right on the spot, and the fact that one of youdidkill poor phil, i've taken a precaution.
Now, the gun is loaded, as you can see.
It's just a precaution, one never knows.
Please, right this way.
(Archie) I kept miss Jones in the front room until i had them seated in the office.
(Archie) Anywhere but the red chair, that's it.
(sighs) Yeah? Yeah.
You little whore.
No, don't touch me! (barking) (Aland) See what you've done, goodwin? She had the damsel-in-distress bit down to a science.
On the other hand, i had begun to believe that she had a reason.
(Archie) Right this way right here.
Well, ahem, now that this hubbub is over, i'll proceed.
I've not been hired to work on this case.
The only client i have is a dog.
And he came to my office by inadvertence.
(clears throat) Inspector cramer, sir.
I suppose this was to be expected.
Luckily, mr.
Cramer, your usual chair is unoccupied.
You know the gentlemen, of course, but not the lady.
Her current name is jewel Jones.
Her legal name is mrs.
Richard meegan.
Meegan? Meegan's wife? The one in the picture? How did you get her? That can wait.
No interruptions.
No demands for 30 minutes.
No, i don't have to if you interrupt again, by heaven, you can take all these people down to your headquarters, or whatever, and you can hash it out yourself! Ahh but before i come to that, one point: I offer no comment to your guile with mr.
Meegan.
I will even concede that there was a flavor of gallantry in it.
But what you could not know was that mr.
Meegan had been to see me that morning.
(Chaffee) What? Meegan hired you? I knew something wasn't right.
I refused the job, of course, and he stormed out in a temper, taking mr.
Goodwin's raincoat instead of his own.
Oh, we know all that, what i want to know is hackneyed and dull.
Mr.
Meegan, some two hours ago, i learned that you maintain that you have never met philip kampf.
I would like to hear it straight from you.
Did you ever meet philip kampf? No.
You don't wish to qualify that? No.
Then whose raincoat hangs on the rack in that hallway? About? Then whose raincoat hangs on the rack in that hallway? G the raincoat that you brought into this house is in the hall now, there on the rack.
I've heard of your tricks, Wolfe.
What, did you plant something on it? I will now ask the question that no one has had the wit to ask in this whole investigation.
Why did the dog follow mr.
Goodwin through the turmoil of the city? That he is irresistible both to dogs and women.
And doubtless his vanity impeded his intellect, or he would have reached the same conclusion that i did.
The dog did n the dog followed the coat.
(cramer) Oh, that smells.
How do you account for kampf's dog following meegan's coat? I couldn't, i can't.
However, it was unquestionably mr.
Kampf's dog, therefore, it couldn't have been mr.
Meegan's coat.
It is better than a conjecture that it was mr.
Kampf's coat.
What are you talking about, Wolfe? Where did you get it, mr.
Meegan? Come on, come on! This is a dirty frame.
That it is mr.
Kampf's can be readily established by examining it, sir.
You can't prove that's the coat that i left here, Wolfe.
I warn you, sir, you are in deadly peril.
It was she, huh? Huh? It was she that put you against me, huh?! Have you any explanation of how mr.
Kampf's coat came into your possession? No!! And i don'u big blob! Then you are done for, sir.
For your own coat must be somewhere, and i think i know where it is.
In the police laboratory.
If you won't explain how you got mr.
Kampf's coat, then explain how he came to wearing yours! (jewel) I knew it, i knew it! He wanted to kill me, so he killed phil! (screaming) That's enough.
Now, sit down! Sit down, sit down! How do you know that, madam? Because phil told me he wanted me to come back to him and i wouldn't.
You (cramer) That's enough! Then he comes and tells me that if i don't come back and be with him, he'll tell dick how to find me.
So, i promised i would, and he laughed.
He said he had to go see dick again anyway because dick had gone off with his raincoat.
Phil thought it was funny that dick had his raincoat and he had dick's wife.
I'll bet that's just what he told you, huh? I bet he told you that i was coming back to him and he thought that was a good trade a raincoat for a wife! A raincoat a raincoat for a, for a wife.
(laughing) Come on, buddy, let's go, let's go.
Come on, get up! (sobbing) (Aland) Sweetheart, don't cry.
(cramer) Oh, cheese and rice.
All right, i want everybody down at the station, everybody including you, Wolfe! If there's one thing on earth Nero Wolfe will not be in the room with, it's a woman in eruption.
Is it over? Don't leave me.
Please don't leave.
Jet.
Come on.
I just want to get a full report at te station.
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